Since my last post was all about being ill and irrational and such a blight on life's party, I decided I NEEDED to write this post more than anything today.
So what am I thankful for:
1) Good family- not just immediate, but the ones who understand me and stick by me even when I'm a hornet
2) A growing baby
3) My husband- who is so loving (albeit annoying) and optimistic about this pregnancy
4) Cuddly dogs- even though they are just as annoying as their father and have a tendency to go after kitty crunchies (aka be turd herders) if I forget to close the baby gate that keeps them out of the back of the house.
5) Good friends- who keep me motivated to be social and work out.
6) Caffeine- I know, I KNOW, but one cup of coffee in the morning is how I make it out the door.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Ode to a Wilted Southern Flower
I’m struggling today. I feel like one of my little red petunias in my porch planter that has wilted in this horrid NC heat wave. It’s a struggle to bloom and be colorful when your leaves are dragging the ground, your earth is parched and cracked and the sun is beating you down. Not even the bees are attracted to your pollen.
Southern belles are never supposed to look wilted and weak. We are proud women who even in a heat wave sip our sweet iced tea and fan ourselves with big cartwheel hats while saying things like “fiddle dee dee” and “bless your heart.” (Okay, I don’t say the first one but I do say the second). We serve up fried chicken, grit casserole and coleslaw in the blink of an eye and always have some type of pie and casserole fixings on hand for emergency rations (new neighbors, babies, funerals). We are garden warriors, over the fence rail gossipers, flower mavens, and manipulative maidens disguised as sweet maple syrup and fresh honey. We do not WILT or fail.
My southern belle card is going to be revoked soon. I can feel it. I’m still not sleeping. I do not know what the deal is. Besides being up 20 times last night to relieve my bladder and intestines (oh what, I said we were polite in the South, I didn’t say we didn’t blab about our bodily functions on the internet!) I lay there all night, tossing and turning, uncomfortable and mad. I’m mad at the world today. I woke up that way this morning. I was ticked off at the alarm clock which went off a total of 5 times every 9 minutes before my husband woke up enough to sit up and turn it off. After the fourth time I threw the covers back and stomped to the dining room to take the dogs out. I was furious. I don’t even know why. The alarm did what it does every day, as did my husband. Nothing changed either of them. It was ME that was exhausted, ill and irate.
I worked out yesterday: walked and swam. I went to bed at the normal time with a glass of milk. I was tired from not sleeping the past few nights. By all standards, I SHOULD have slept last night. Oh nooooo, I apparently don’t follow logical standards. So today I’m alternating between being deliriously spastic and a walking zombie hugging my cup of green tea.
I’m not stressed or worried per say. I’m on a rather even and calm ground yesterday and today. I’m a little irritated as they scheduled my second interview for August 19th at 9am so I had to reschedule my ultrasound YET AGAIN to the 20th. My Dr’s office and my husband are getting irritated on having to work around my job. This is the second time I’ve rescheduled and just a few minutes ago the meeting for the 18th got cancelled so if I had never started rescheduling, I would have been fine. Very frustrating, but yet none of that has any bearing on not sleeping last night or waking up ill as a hornet this morning as all of that happened AFTER the fact.
So here I am, irrationally ill, exhausted and deciding if I want more apple juice bad enough to stop by the store on the way home. Apple juice and I have become great friends this past week. ::ponders whether that may have something to do with my nighttime bathroom trips and sleeplessness:: I actually think I may choose apple juice over sleep. Interesting.
Southern belles are never supposed to look wilted and weak. We are proud women who even in a heat wave sip our sweet iced tea and fan ourselves with big cartwheel hats while saying things like “fiddle dee dee” and “bless your heart.” (Okay, I don’t say the first one but I do say the second). We serve up fried chicken, grit casserole and coleslaw in the blink of an eye and always have some type of pie and casserole fixings on hand for emergency rations (new neighbors, babies, funerals). We are garden warriors, over the fence rail gossipers, flower mavens, and manipulative maidens disguised as sweet maple syrup and fresh honey. We do not WILT or fail.
My southern belle card is going to be revoked soon. I can feel it. I’m still not sleeping. I do not know what the deal is. Besides being up 20 times last night to relieve my bladder and intestines (oh what, I said we were polite in the South, I didn’t say we didn’t blab about our bodily functions on the internet!) I lay there all night, tossing and turning, uncomfortable and mad. I’m mad at the world today. I woke up that way this morning. I was ticked off at the alarm clock which went off a total of 5 times every 9 minutes before my husband woke up enough to sit up and turn it off. After the fourth time I threw the covers back and stomped to the dining room to take the dogs out. I was furious. I don’t even know why. The alarm did what it does every day, as did my husband. Nothing changed either of them. It was ME that was exhausted, ill and irate.
I worked out yesterday: walked and swam. I went to bed at the normal time with a glass of milk. I was tired from not sleeping the past few nights. By all standards, I SHOULD have slept last night. Oh nooooo, I apparently don’t follow logical standards. So today I’m alternating between being deliriously spastic and a walking zombie hugging my cup of green tea.
I’m not stressed or worried per say. I’m on a rather even and calm ground yesterday and today. I’m a little irritated as they scheduled my second interview for August 19th at 9am so I had to reschedule my ultrasound YET AGAIN to the 20th. My Dr’s office and my husband are getting irritated on having to work around my job. This is the second time I’ve rescheduled and just a few minutes ago the meeting for the 18th got cancelled so if I had never started rescheduling, I would have been fine. Very frustrating, but yet none of that has any bearing on not sleeping last night or waking up ill as a hornet this morning as all of that happened AFTER the fact.
So here I am, irrationally ill, exhausted and deciding if I want more apple juice bad enough to stop by the store on the way home. Apple juice and I have become great friends this past week. ::ponders whether that may have something to do with my nighttime bathroom trips and sleeplessness:: I actually think I may choose apple juice over sleep. Interesting.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Worthy of Praise
A dear friend of mine, Isha, sent me this passage yesterday during my inner turmoil. It really spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you.
I try to be a positive and supportive person. I have my moments of pure bitchdom (Who doesn’t?) I have my moments of wallowing in the negative (I’m not perfect.) I occasionally get into funks (sometimes a good funk is rejuvenating). Overall though I like to think I don’t dwell too long on bad things and I try to turn them into ways I can be a strong supporter and leader of those who are going through the same issue because I’ve already been there (holy run-on sentence batman). That’s how I deal with things. I turn them around and use them to help others. At least I try to. The past few weeks have been rather difficult because every time I think I have myself under control and calm, I get more news that doesn’t, well let’s just say, sit well.
This passage means the world to me because it speaks volumes about who I am. Who I TRULY am most of the time. I try to rejoice in the good, the blessings, the pure. I focus on that when some people want to smack me because they aren’t done wallowing. What’s more than that though, is it tells me not to be anxious; to let the peace of God guard our hearts and minds. We’ve always known to cast our burdens upon him but it’s easier said then done.
I know I can not change the outcome of this pregnancy. If it’s good, none of these numbers or questions will matter. If it’s bad, there’s nothing I can do to save it by gathering all this information. I have to wait and see. I have to pray that it is God’s will and whatever happens, he makes me okay with that will. I have to be strong.
I can’t promise I won’t grab a reservation for a pity party of one again, but for today, I’m resilient and I’m at peace. I’m dwelling on the fact that I’m pregnant, and the sac looks good, my husband is happy and excited, and I don’t have morning sickness so far. Those are definitely excellent things. Thank you God! (and Thank You Isha!)
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let our requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8
I try to be a positive and supportive person. I have my moments of pure bitchdom (Who doesn’t?) I have my moments of wallowing in the negative (I’m not perfect.) I occasionally get into funks (sometimes a good funk is rejuvenating). Overall though I like to think I don’t dwell too long on bad things and I try to turn them into ways I can be a strong supporter and leader of those who are going through the same issue because I’ve already been there (holy run-on sentence batman). That’s how I deal with things. I turn them around and use them to help others. At least I try to. The past few weeks have been rather difficult because every time I think I have myself under control and calm, I get more news that doesn’t, well let’s just say, sit well.
This passage means the world to me because it speaks volumes about who I am. Who I TRULY am most of the time. I try to rejoice in the good, the blessings, the pure. I focus on that when some people want to smack me because they aren’t done wallowing. What’s more than that though, is it tells me not to be anxious; to let the peace of God guard our hearts and minds. We’ve always known to cast our burdens upon him but it’s easier said then done.
I know I can not change the outcome of this pregnancy. If it’s good, none of these numbers or questions will matter. If it’s bad, there’s nothing I can do to save it by gathering all this information. I have to wait and see. I have to pray that it is God’s will and whatever happens, he makes me okay with that will. I have to be strong.
I can’t promise I won’t grab a reservation for a pity party of one again, but for today, I’m resilient and I’m at peace. I’m dwelling on the fact that I’m pregnant, and the sac looks good, my husband is happy and excited, and I don’t have morning sickness so far. Those are definitely excellent things. Thank you God! (and Thank You Isha!)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Shut The Eff Up Fat Lady
Let’s talk about Roller Coasters. My life has been one since this pregnancy began. Heck since BEFORE this pregnancy began when I was dealing with what I thought was just a cyst issue and a break in TTC. Day after day, week after week, I’ve had more disturbing/unsettling news. I haven’t had a break yet. I’m tired. I’m exhausted both physically and mentally. I try not to be a negative person. At least not for too long a period of time. I always try to turn things around and focus on the positive or chant “what will be will be.” I don’t want to bring other’s down because life goes on all around me and no matter how bad it gets, my life continues too and I have to fight until the day I die.
After my emotional crying jag this morning when the Dr. called with the new Beta numbers, I do what I do best. I research. (I really loved research in school and should have become some type of research analyst.) I posted to the bump board “PAL” and got some good information.
I Googled, I cried, I analyzed. This is what I’ve come up with: My HCG numbers are still well within the five week range (not the 4 week like its measuring but whatever). While my numbers were doubling every 48 hours, they still doubled every 64 hours (give or take) so its still within the 48-72 hour range though it has slowed down. According to some resources, once the HSG levels are over 1200 the doubling time slows and can still be acceptable from 72-96 hours at that point.
My Dr. is not too concerned as the sac looked really good and the numbers are still within an “acceptable rise.” Of course there is nothing to do but wait and they don’t feel that moving up the ultrasound will give us any more information than waiting will. So I have two and a half weeks to get through before I can find out more information. Two and a half weeks of pure hellish torture. I can’t be depressed for two more weeks. I’m not built that way. I have to throw myself into a billion projects. There are two cooking contests coming up, fall crops to be planted, a beach trip to plan for, a church group starting (even though right now I’m thoroughly disgusted with how its progressing) and maybe even some giveaways to do on this blog to distract me. I’m looking into that.
I have to focus on the positives: Sac looks good, it’s in the ute, the numbers are still doubling within an acceptable range even if they have slowed. It may be okay. I’m a neurotic worry wart. I know this. Embrace this and love me anyway. God has the power to make this okay. The only thing I can do is stay busy and pray. Even though I have soreness and cramps, I have only seen one teeny tiny spot of blood that was almost microscopic.
I’m sorry I’m so wishy washy and that I can’t keep my head on straight about this pregnancy. My plans for being calm and enjoying every minute went out the window when the Dr. said he was worried about ectopic. I don’t think I’ve quite put myself back on an even ground with all the other news that keeps coming my way. And of course I have nothing but to spill it to my friends and the interwebz to keep myself from going completely insane. Or more so than apparently I already am.
::stuffs a sock in the fat lady's mouth:: choke on that bitch.
After my emotional crying jag this morning when the Dr. called with the new Beta numbers, I do what I do best. I research. (I really loved research in school and should have become some type of research analyst.) I posted to the bump board “PAL” and got some good information.
I Googled, I cried, I analyzed. This is what I’ve come up with: My HCG numbers are still well within the five week range (not the 4 week like its measuring but whatever). While my numbers were doubling every 48 hours, they still doubled every 64 hours (give or take) so its still within the 48-72 hour range though it has slowed down. According to some resources, once the HSG levels are over 1200 the doubling time slows and can still be acceptable from 72-96 hours at that point.
My Dr. is not too concerned as the sac looked really good and the numbers are still within an “acceptable rise.” Of course there is nothing to do but wait and they don’t feel that moving up the ultrasound will give us any more information than waiting will. So I have two and a half weeks to get through before I can find out more information. Two and a half weeks of pure hellish torture. I can’t be depressed for two more weeks. I’m not built that way. I have to throw myself into a billion projects. There are two cooking contests coming up, fall crops to be planted, a beach trip to plan for, a church group starting (even though right now I’m thoroughly disgusted with how its progressing) and maybe even some giveaways to do on this blog to distract me. I’m looking into that.
I have to focus on the positives: Sac looks good, it’s in the ute, the numbers are still doubling within an acceptable range even if they have slowed. It may be okay. I’m a neurotic worry wart. I know this. Embrace this and love me anyway. God has the power to make this okay. The only thing I can do is stay busy and pray. Even though I have soreness and cramps, I have only seen one teeny tiny spot of blood that was almost microscopic.
I’m sorry I’m so wishy washy and that I can’t keep my head on straight about this pregnancy. My plans for being calm and enjoying every minute went out the window when the Dr. said he was worried about ectopic. I don’t think I’ve quite put myself back on an even ground with all the other news that keeps coming my way. And of course I have nothing but to spill it to my friends and the interwebz to keep myself from going completely insane. Or more so than apparently I already am.
::stuffs a sock in the fat lady's mouth:: choke on that bitch.
I hear the fat lady singing
IT didn't take long did it? Before she warmed up her voice. The Dr. called to give me my Beta results. At 24dpo they are 4539. Nearly 120 hours after the last beta draw which was 1252. So they aren't doubling anymore. Combine that with measuring a week behind on the ultrasound and its a clear sign this pregnancy is doomed. I don't think I can even hold out hope anymore.
I think at this point I just want it to be over so I have less risk of having to have a D & C. Something has to be wrong. I can get pregnant with meds but not carry. I don't understand.
I had actually settled into a calmer place this morning. I had even written a positie blog post about letting it be in God's hands...and then the Dr. called. So much for that peaceful shit.
Now I'm sitting at work trying to figure out how to get through an entire day knowing my child is basically dying inside me as I sit here.
I think at this point I just want it to be over so I have less risk of having to have a D & C. Something has to be wrong. I can get pregnant with meds but not carry. I don't understand.
I had actually settled into a calmer place this morning. I had even written a positie blog post about letting it be in God's hands...and then the Dr. called. So much for that peaceful shit.
Now I'm sitting at work trying to figure out how to get through an entire day knowing my child is basically dying inside me as I sit here.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Menu Monday
There has been a lot going on at the home of this gardener this week. A lot of personal things I'm not ready to share yet. So cooking has been blase at best. Not exactly whats been on my mind and admittedly I had to throw quite a few veggies out as I just didn't get to them.
This weekend I did weed the garden and tie up the tomatoes and pull out dead plants. I lost a lot of my eggplants for some reason and I have no clue why. I've never seen the plant just rot with a half grown eggplant on it...but that's what half my plants did.
Dinner over the weekend, consisted of mostly Chicken noodle soup. I'm going to try and do a little better this week as I really can't handle that much sodium (the canned kind...gasp).
Last night i made Country Fried Steak, gravy, mashed potatoes and peas and carrots. (Not exactly better for me).
Tonight is Spinach Lasagna (heavy on the cheese but I am using wheat pasta)
Hamburgers on the grill
Baked chicken (probably some kind of casserole)
Either fried cabbage or brussell sprouts with perogies.
chicken enchiladas (for him) and leftovers for me.
Peach Sonker
This weekend I did weed the garden and tie up the tomatoes and pull out dead plants. I lost a lot of my eggplants for some reason and I have no clue why. I've never seen the plant just rot with a half grown eggplant on it...but that's what half my plants did.
Dinner over the weekend, consisted of mostly Chicken noodle soup. I'm going to try and do a little better this week as I really can't handle that much sodium (the canned kind...gasp).
Last night i made Country Fried Steak, gravy, mashed potatoes and peas and carrots. (Not exactly better for me).
Tonight is Spinach Lasagna (heavy on the cheese but I am using wheat pasta)
Hamburgers on the grill
Baked chicken (probably some kind of casserole)
Either fried cabbage or brussell sprouts with perogies.
chicken enchiladas (for him) and leftovers for me.
Peach Sonker
It's never simple or easy is it?
I wish for once, I could have complete good news when I visit the Dr. This is why I don’t ever want to go alone again because I always get some kind of negative news. This morning, I had an ultrasound. The good news is: the sac is in the uterus. No ectopic and there wasn’t as much fluid. Unfortunately, we couldn’t just leave it there. No, we had to measure the sac and tell me it was 4 weeks 6 days. Well NO I had an ultrasound at that point in my pregnancy and they couldn’t even FIND the sac which is why I came back today…at 5 weeks 5days. So now you are telling me this baby is measuring a week behind already. And all I can think of is: “Exactly like bumblebee.”
Looking back I always felt I should have known bumblebee wouldn’t make it because he was measuring behind from the get go. But I didn’t let it worry me. Now with this one it has been one worry after another. I’m trying so hard to enjoy being pregnant because of that deep fear that it won’t last, but how can I help it when I am constantly getting news like this?
I feel numb and broken. Everyone keeps saying: “it’s great news, don’t worry!” but all I want to do is cry because I have such a sick feeling in my gut. So I’m pretending to everyone that I’m fine and I’m not worried when all I want to do is throw up.
Looking back I always felt I should have known bumblebee wouldn’t make it because he was measuring behind from the get go. But I didn’t let it worry me. Now with this one it has been one worry after another. I’m trying so hard to enjoy being pregnant because of that deep fear that it won’t last, but how can I help it when I am constantly getting news like this?
I feel numb and broken. Everyone keeps saying: “it’s great news, don’t worry!” but all I want to do is cry because I have such a sick feeling in my gut. So I’m pretending to everyone that I’m fine and I’m not worried when all I want to do is throw up.
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