McFatty Monday

Let’s just start out by saying I’m thoroughly disgusted. Last week, I reached a low point in my weight. A whopping 46lbs and one pound away from my goal. It was a relief after the struggling for a few weeks. This weekend I expended a LOT of energy and ate decently. I ate Late one night but I more than made up for it with the exercise department.

My biggest failure is I don’t think I got all my water in yesterday. Yesterday was an off day-stormy weather creating perfect conditions for an afternoon nap. But I did my chores and went grocery shopping, went to church and still took the dogs out etc. It was ONE NAP for heaven’s sake and I didn’t drink as much water as I should.

Is that really any reason to get on the scales this morning and have them FOUR pounds up from Friday? REALLY? How is that fair? I’m RIGHT back to where I have been the past month. I don’t understand. Yes I realize that I’m bloated. That my hateful body has plunged in a headfirst dive towards AF. I know I’m going to start any second now so a lot of this may be bloat and water, but my goodness, could it not have held off for a DAY so I could see my goal weight? That’s all I wanted.

I even filled out insurance paperwork this weekend and put that goal weight on there because it was one pound away. My body just made a complete and utter liar out of me. I have finally reached a point in my weightloss after 5 months and 40 something pounds of “What is the point when my hateful body is going to betray me everytime I turn around?” Can I never nap again? Can I never have an off day? Most people fluctuate a pound. Me? I fluctuate FOUR pounds at a time. I just want to cry and scream because I’m tired of perching on this plateau.

The logical side of me says “STOP (hammer time, just kidding). A four pound gain/loss over a month is nothing because you are maintaining with relative ease 40 some pounds LOWER than you have been in the past 3 years. You are wearing clothes that you wore before meeting your husband and they are even starting to show signs of bagginess. This is still an accomplishment.” But I don’t want to listen to me.

I want my bigger number drops back again. I want to see a remarkable difference and progress and see how that effects my fertility because I feel my ute progress is becoming static again. In my head everything is connected. I’m measuring my worth by my ability to lose weight AND get pregnant. Not a very healthy place to be mentally maybe, but I’m so wrapped up in myself or rather what my body is failing/accomplishing that I’m getting discouraged on both fronts because nothing is happening.

I’m sliding into a funk and trying really hard not to but it’s difficult when the numbers go up or stay stagnant for so long despite your best efforts. Back to the Special K and Slim Fast. Maybe I can kick start it again.