Friendships in my Life

It’s hard letting friends pull away and have their space, even when they need it. I’ve had many friendships in my life and I’ve lost very few. I’m one of those rare people who hold onto a friendship truly through thick and thin. I have had three best friends through most of my life. After college two of those moved away and for years we continued the friendships through email, occasional visits etc. One of them drifted and now we get the occasional email once a year when we one of us is thinking of the other but for the most part we don’t really know anything about the other’s life. She’s never met my husband and I don’t know if she has children.

The other friend moved back and we recently went through a very tough patch while I was dealing with the loss of my child and she was dealing with undiagnosed Post Partum Depression. Individually we moved on but the friendship is in a weird place right now but there have been tentative feelers thrown out from each party to see if the other is receptive. We are working on it.

When I married, I made a new friend and for years she was one of my rocks as I was hers, but through a bitter separation and even odder reunification within her own marriage, the friendship between us became forced and uneasy and we both let it become a casual comment on Facebook and a hug when we run into each other thing.

I’ve developed fabulous e-ships and a network of amazing women that share both online and offline moments with me. Babyshowers, tacky sweater parties, etc. Sometimes those friendships too hit a rocky place though. It’s very difficult when you share for so long a struggle with someone, a trait that binds you even in the most horrible circumstances, and then one of you “moves on.” I’ve watched and supported many women moving on and it was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I mourned the loss of my child every day that I saw the other girls progress in their pregnancies. I cried tears of happiness and mourning when another’s child was born when our due dates had been shared. I’ve watched these precious little beings grow and everyday it’s a reminder of what Bumblebee would be doing now, the milestones he/she would have passed. Even being pregnant and looking forward to this new life, it doesn’t take the pain away from what once was my future.

Now, I’m the one who has moved on. Everyday my fear and anxiety are still very real that something is going to go wrong but at the same time I’m also able to laugh about the small things (like craving apples) and enjoy some of these little moments. Some of my girls can’t share that with me and it breaks my heart for them. I have to let them have their space and I know that’s what they need. I’ve been there so I absolutely do not want to be “too much” by checking in too often but at the same time, I’m not always sure when its been too long and I should step in and say “hey, haven’t heard from you” or “you’ve been quiet lately.”

It’s such a fine line to walk between caring and sensitive to being a reminder of what they want. I know that they need their space and my condition can be difficult for them sometimes. Because I’ve been there, and I truly understand what they are going through both on the infertility front and the being left behind front, it plagues me that I can’t BE more support. If I could fix it for you all I would. I love you and empathize with you that much and I am continuing to hold a place on my friends list for you for when you “catch up” because I believe that you all will. Even to those e-friends who aren’t as close or are going through other trials in their life right now and have drifted for the moment, I’m always here to listen, to support and to love you. Whether it is the occasional cup of coffee and chat you need from me, or hours of Facebook conversation to take your mind off of a bad day.

I’m here and I just want to remind each of you (online and off) that I’ll never forget or move on from my past. From the years of struggle and heartache. They are with me forever and no matter where I am in life, I will always understand where you are coming from and love you no matter what. I will always be an advocate for fertility education. The women I have met and bonded with over the past few years will always be a part of me no matter where my journey takes me.