Breastfeeding vs. Formulafeeding

This post is not intended to start a debate between breastfeeders vs formula feeding. It is merely to express my emotional journey between the two. I have no problems with formula feeding (for other people), though I will admit that I side eye people who HAVE milk and CAN breastfeed but choose to formula feed for no medically necessary reason (boob jobs, medicines etc.) as well as those who give up because it hurts or is hard. Those opinions also are closely tied to my own journey though and I realize this.

Breastfeeding (especially in the first weeks-err months) is one of the hardest things I've done. There was a weekend that I resorted to exclusively pumping because of how painful it was, but I went back to it and gritted my teeth through the pain. I'm 4 months in and my nipples are still tender and sore but not to an unbearable degree. I can still enjoy the act of breastfeeding at this point and appreciate the bonding experience.

I have fought, cried, and emotionally abused myself to breastfeed. Thanks to PCOS, my body does not produce enough to meet my sons needs. In four months my supply has not increased at all. Period. When my milk came in, I could pump 2 ounces. Which was fine for a 3 day old. Not so much for a 3 month old. I have worked with Dr's, lactation consultants, gadgets, pumping regimens, natural remedies, foods and prescription drugs. To this day, I can still only get 2 ounces every few hours. Which means he gets 2-4 ounces of formula every few hours (except at night).

the first time I gave him formula he was 5 or 6 days old and I cried the entire time. I think I cried the whole first week while giving him a bottle. I felt like a failure as a mom and to this day, those emotions and that memory of that moment haunt me.

(Here's where formula feeding moms will really gnash their teeth.) I'm EMBARRASSED to BUY FORMULA. I won't look the cashier in the eye. It's like being a teenage girl buying a pregnancy test or condoms. I'm embarrassed to give my baby a bottle in public because people can see me mix the powder and water and know its formula. (On the other hand I won't breastfeed in public either. I will whip them out around female family members or in a public retail women's lounge or mother's room, or even in my car parked at the edge of a prking lot away from everyone but won't find me on a bench int he mall with my boob out flapping in the breeze for the world to see.) (So there I have offended both types of moms with my prudishness equally!).

I have a negative image of formula feeding (that I never had before) due to my own struggle and desire to breastfeed. I'm projecting my own fears, experiences etc. into this one act of parenting becaue of my own dissappointment. The studies and articles about the benefits of breastfeeding over formula swim through my subconcious brain to give me nightmares.

I KNOW its okay. The Dr's tell me his fine and healthy and I'm doing a good job. Everyone comments on how alert and strong he is; How good his disposition and behavior are; how clear his skin; how beautiful of a baby he is. He is getting the immunities and benefits of breastmilk and the intimate bonding of nursing two ounces at a time.

I can go on like this as long as my body produces. If I can make it to 6 months he will still have recieved a lot of benefit from my meager supply. I, however, need to reconcile with myself this negativity. I tell myself that my body sin't a failure. It gave me the most amazing little boy after years of struggle, but this is one more black mark against it. Maybe thats part of the scars of being a bitter infertile. We never quite learn how to love ourselves again (and forgive our bodies) and automatically self loathe when our bodies don't perform the way we want.

I will always struggle with breastfeeding, the way my birth went, and with my body but just as I haven't given up with breastfeeding, I won't give up on trying to forgive me, even while I die of shame when purchasing formula.

"Handing" out Information on CTS

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about pregnancy is pregnancy itself. You hear the horror stories from pregnant people about the aches and pains and exhaustion and morning sickness but you tend to brush it off because you want the end result so badly you can taste it.

I think we tend to rationalize in our minds that people are drama queens and things are not really as bad as they make them out to be. Then we get hit with one of those rare occurrences that you don’t hear so much about (or maybe not so rare but not as prevalently talked about). Is it the end of the world? No, of course not but it damn sure can effect your life, moods, outlook etc.

Pregnancy Carpal Tunnel. Not something you expect to get, think about getting, prepare for getting and it can seriously “cramp” your life. My pregnancy has been rather mild. It was traumatic in the beginning with the unsurity of it. There were a few weeks of some good bouts of Morning sickness but other than that and some typical exhaustion, it has not been too bad. I’ve watched my weight (slowly climb that is), tried to eat healthy and had this false idea that if I could just keep my weight down I could avoid some of the discomforts many people experience. (I’m so delusional). Then my body lost control of itself and that idea went out the window this past weekend with my sanity.

You don’t realize how much you use your hands until you can’t. When your wrists ache and your hands start going numb and swelling it seriously affects your quality of living. I can’t walk for long periods without this happening. I lasted 6 minutes on the treadmill last night before they got to the point of numbness they actually felt like they were dipped in hot water.

My desk job, which everyone assumes to be so easy during pregnancy? I grit my teeth and cry through part of it because the pain in my wrists is so bad. Flipping through stacks of paper to organize chronologically (flip, pull, insert, twist, flip) is excruciating. I can barely get the cap off my water bottle and forget about opening jars while cooking.

Last night, just so I could try and sleep, my husband had to massage my hands. This morning, before I could get out of bed, he had to rub the right one and physically open it as it was balled in a clawed fist with stabbing pain and numbness and I couldn’t seem to open it myself.

Sitting here typing is giving me tingly warm sensations through my fingers so I can foresee if this keeps up and/or gets worse as predicted, I will be forced into a blogging/internet break. So again, my one outlet will be taken away from me. Just another part of me being lost to myself.

Is the sacrifice worth it? Of course it is but I’m not going to lie. It’s damn sure hard to get through the day to day of it all happily through the pain and it is definitely taking a hand in my mental state.

So here’s what you need to know about Carpal Tunnel during pregnancy:
Symptoms:
• Tingling or numbness in part of the hand (thumb, index, middle or ring fingers)
• Sharp pains that shoot from the wrist up the arm
• Burning Sensations in the fingers
• Morning stiffness or cramping of hands
• Thumb weakness
• Frequently dropping objects
• Waking at night with hand pain and numbness
• Numbness in hand while driving

(Yea, I actually have ALL THAT...nice huh?)

Carpal Tunnel during pregnancy affects 28% of pregnant women but mostly in the age range of 29-62yo. (They need to check those figures. I know it’s been done with modern science but seriously how many fucking pregnant 62 year olds are there?)

What CTS is: The median nerve, traveling through the “tunnel” of the wrist bones, is compressed by the flexor tendons. The nerve responds by sending pain signals and not carrying normal sensory information. It is usually brought on by water retention. (Hmmm maybe this is why I gained 6 pounds in one weekend.)

Treatment Suggestions:
• Reduce Salt intake to aid in the water retention issues.
• Practice Yoga (yea...I’m having a hard time considering this one since that’s going to HURT)
• Wrists braces
• Try not to do repetitive wrist motion that will aggravate it
• B6 supplements (though clinical studies have shown that this really isn’t significantly effective)
• Massage
• Regular breaks and position changes
• In more serious cases: cortisone shots in the wrist (I’ll be avoiding that particular one unless absolutely necessary)
• In Extreme Cases if the symptoms to not improve after pregnancy there is a simple outpatient surgery (but this is an extreme rarity for pregnancy induced CTS).

Sources: www.pregnancytoday.com ; www.babycenter.com ; www.ehow.com .

Heating Pads During Pregnancy

I actually had to Google “heating pad during pregnancy.” Why? Because I have become addicted to mine and I got worried about using it on my lower back where my pain is centered today.

I’m happy to report that they are considered generally safe though not recommended to use on your abdomen. The largest concern is heating up your core body temperature which is the same reason Hot tubs are not recommended because it can cause birth defects and miscarriage according to the March of Dimes. (at least the few articles I scanned).

So it’s better to be safe than sorry even when you feel stupid wondering about such a mundane thing as a heating pad.

Of course there are probably safer heating pads to use than mine. It’s about 20 some years old, the cover is long gone and the cord is crinkled though no wiring is exposed. This sucker gets HOT! (I’ve had red welts on my skin for days because I fell asleep on it).

Since my back problems at work were not improved any when I fell on the concrete floors Friday thanks to lovely Armorall in front of the women’s restroom, my heating pad and chiropractor will be my sidekicks for at least another week.

Movement or lack thereof

On the 2nd Trimester Message Boards, they talk about feeling flutters, tickles, ghostly pokes, and what is described as a fish flipping over around 14 weeks. My book says nothing about feeling the baby yet, but many I know have mentioned these sensations around 15-16 weeks.

All I feel is pain and soreness, which I investigated via Google. In addition to RLP (round ligament Pain) the other twinges and constant soreness could not be explained until I found some information that said “Women with high hormone levels can experience feelings of soreness in the abdominal area through 18 weeks.” Well, we already know my progesterone level was through the roof (see stats to the left) and I have PCOS which makes my hormones batty anyway.

So am I not feeling the early signs of baby due to the soreness? Is the soreness more powerful than any flutter? Or am I not feeling the baby for some other reason?

I am not thinking there is something wrong, because I feel like my stomach is changing and firming up and rounding out. I wouldn’t be progressing like that if something was wrong. Right?

Last night, I looked in my book to see when it said I would start feeling movement and it actually said that “if you have had a baby before, you may start to feel movement around Week 17.”

So are these girls full of gas or is the Pregnancy Bible outdated and out of touch? All I know is that I can feel/see a difference in my stomach. I still have RLP occasionally, gas all the time, heartburn all the time, and abdominal tenderness/soreness quite frequently.

I think this period of Second Tri is a lull in pregnancy. You start feeling better after the “torture” of first tri ute stabs, puking and exhaustion but you aren’t feeling anything different quite yet.

Given HLB’s name, I’m considering this more of the Calm before the Storm. I have a feeling my little Hurricane is going to be a doozy and pack quite a punch once it becomes active.

Dr.'s Update

The General Practitioner felt that my abdominal pain was caused by a ruptured cyst but did blood and urine panels to rule out intestinal infections etc. She suggested transvaginal imaging but I would have had to go over the hospital for that. So I declined and promised to call my OB as they had the right equipment, which I did. The OB asked me to come in and I had a pelvic and a dildocam scan. they confirmed I had fluid most likely from a cyst rupture. They also found two more cysts on my right ovary: 1 inch in diameter and 1/2 inch in diameter.

I have to follow up on the 26th with my regular OB and this Dr. wanted me to not take the clomid next cycle which is so frustrating as it would be month four...which is the average conception month and our previous conception month. It will also be august which was when we concieved last time. I just want to cry.

So this morning my GP's assistant calls me and says "yea, so your white blood count is elevated to 13.3 so there could be some infection. We want you to have an abdominal scan" I explained to her that I already had one at my OB and what they found. She is speaking to the dr. and supposed to call me back.

The little hypochondriac that sits on my shoulder is freaking out right now. I'm having twinges on the right side (which could be all in my head now that I know the cysts are there) and I have noticed the past few days when I went to the potty there was a bit stronger smell when I wiped..so I'm worried I have an infection thanks to Mr. Cyst. URGH

I may be taking my SIL up on her offer to carry a child for me. If only I could afford the egg withdrawal/sperm withdrawal, implantation and insertion and all her medical bills that would not be covered by my insurance...oh wait..that's right...that's why we didn't move straight to IVF. Darn budget and economic recession.

Let's talk Insurance

Admittedly, I’m not good at this whole insurance thing. Most of my adult life I have either had insurance through employment or I haven’t. I never paid attention to what my coverage was because I didn’t have a choice. It was a set plan, they gave me a card, I handed it to the doctor and paid a co-pay. Then I lost insurance when I became an independent contractor and had a few medical mishaps that nearly killed me financially until I got married and DH was eligible for insurance through his company. Then I got insurance again and all of a sudden I was learning what was covered, what wasn’t, deductibles etc because honestly, the plan wasn’t great but it’s a small company and it was better than nothing. Now we have a choice, because both my company and my husbands company have insurance plans. His insurance plan still sucks (what we are already on) and they are raising the prices by 20% so his company is currently dropping them and searching for another provider. Panic attack ensues until I realize, wait, I’m eligible for insurance through my company NEXT WEEK. Problem solved, but I wanted to see what I’m getting into. Make sure it’s not WORSE then what we have now. It seems to be a pretty good plan. I have analyzed what parts of are real interest to me at the moment as outlined below. Also, it will only cost us $41.00 out of each paycheck (I’m paid every two weeks) compared to the almost 200.00 from each of my husbands paychecks that we are paying now. That’s a savings every two weeks of $159.00 which is $344.50 PER MONTH and $4134.00 per year. So it’s like we are getting a $4000.00 raise. HECK YEA. 401K here we come (which I’m also eligible for which DH doesn’t have at his company!). Plus the deductibles and co pays are A LOT Lower then our current plan so that should save us even more out of pocket.

Infertility

Care, supplies and services for the diagnosis of infertility and treatment of the Sickness or Injury which caused the Infertility.

Treatment must be rendered on an outpatient basis.

The Plan does not cover any service that provides assistance in achieving a Pregnancy, I.E., artificial insemination, in-vitro fertilization, in-vivo fertilization, gamete Inter-fallopian Transfer (GIFT), Zygote Inter-Fallopian Transfer (ZIFT) or similar procedures to achieve Pregnancy.

So that is both good news and bad news. The insurance will not assist us in getting pregnant but will cover the RE and the medications to treat the hormonal issue of PCOS which can also aid in getting pregnant. Since I’ve achieved pregnancy before addressing the hormonal aspects, fingers crossed that I can do so again.

All maternity related expenses are covered under the Plan.

Allergy Care

The Plan covers allergy treatment including, but not limited to, office visits, serum, scratch testing and laboratory testing.

Chiropractic Care

Covered except for maintenance or to PREVENT worsening. It is only covered if chiropractic therapy is administered directed at functional improvement (active treatment).

Mental Disorders and Outpatient Mental Health is covered according to the benefit payment Maximums.

In-Network Benefits
Deductible $500.00 per family
Max Out-of-Pocket Limit: $1500 per family

Out-of Network Benefits
Deductible: $1000 per family
Max Out-Of-Pocket Limit: $3000.00 per family

General Inpatient Hospital Services and Birthing Centers In Network: 90% Out of Network 70%.

ER: If patient is admitted no co pay. If patient is NOT admitted $50.00 co pay.

These are the basic items that apply to us in our current situation. There is a lot more in depth of course. We are required to get pre-certification (as in call first and approve our birthing facility etc so they are prepared for what their costs are going to be) but that’s not a big deal. It looks like perhaps my deposit won’t be as great this time around (like last pregnancy I had to fork out 1400 by the 7th month or my Dr. would not deliver me) since this insurance plan pays more than my current one.

So, I’m getting a little excited about it now that I’ve been investigating it. What do you think? What are your feelings about insurance? I think it sucks that very few plans cover getting pregnant if you are infertile and consider those procedures elective. One part of me sees why it would be considered elective because you don’t have to have children and many people ELECT not to, however, as an infertile it discriminates against me because I don’t have the CHOICE naturally and therefore if I CHOOSE to have children I HAVE To seek medical intervention, so I think there should at least be available riders for those programs. Since my company is self-insured though, riders do not exist so I’m at least pretty happy with what I’m going to get (that low price also covers dental and vision btw but my brain is focused solely on fertility and anything my body is psycho enough to pull currently that might effect that, like the allergies).

In other news, my Dr. has decided to keep me on the Clomid Metformin cocktail. I’ve only been on it one month this time around and it worked on the Fourth month (which is average results) last year. Interestingly enough, I realized I started it last year at the same time as this year. I honestly hope it doesn’t take four months. I really can’t handle getting pregnant the exact same time of year as I did last year, having the same due dates and everything. That would be excruciatingly hard I think, but I guess I need to take what I can get huh? Let’s just say I hope it works A LOT quicker than that for more than one reason.

Metformin

Since today has been a discussion of drugs, let's go ahead and speak of the other one. Metformin. Typically a drug used for Type II diabetes but has also been prescribed recently for PCOS sufferers as it helps regulate insulin levels and hormones which keep the body from ovulating correctly. It has its own side effects which can be attributed to my issues of late just as easily as clomid though I distinctly remember having a few issues on just the clomid last time, but the worst? was definately when I started the IF cocktail as I like to call it.

Another resource that specifically talks about the side effects? HERE. I definately have the gas. Lord Help me do I have the gas. The nausea, seems to be sporadic, thank the heavens.

There isn't really anything to say about monitoring on Met. My GP says that Metformin is one of the mildest drugs out there with the fewest side effects. (probably meaning severe) and I should feel comfortable taking it despite all my allergy issues. (that only made me feel slightly better and still took me two months before I made the commitment and popped a pill. Did I have success? Yes. I don't know WHICH med/method etc worked because on the fourth cycle of Clomid I was also on the second cycle of Metformin and then we added Preconcieve. Was it one or all of the above or coincidence? We will never know, so for now, I'm dealing with the side effects in all their plentiful glory, and praying that it works again and I dont' have to stay on it for a few more months. I want this to be our month, our cycle, our sticky egg meets sperm and hangs out for nine months. In the meantime? I'm passing on information.

Misery Loves Company

It hasn't been quite 48 hours since the Allergy attack stuck but I'm still suffering and this disturbs me more than I can tell you.

I have a red hot rash spreading across my chest and over my shoulders. My face feels like its been dipped in acid and is red, puffy, blotchy and swollen. My eyes are pink and sunk into my by smudgy thumbs. My lips feel slightly numb and my tongue still feels thick though the ER DR. assured me it did not appear to be swollen.

As if all that was not bad enough, i'm still shaking and freezing. I just don't feel like the Prednizone and benedryl are helping me. It may not be getting worse because of it but they are not helping me.

I have an allergist appt on the 19th, but I'm not sure I can wait that long. I think I may be heading to my GP here shortly because i know they will not advise me of anything till they see me since I haven't been in for over a year. FVCKIDY FVCK FVCK. This is the week that I do not get a paycheck due to being off for the holidays. Between the 150.00 ER copay, the meds, the Dr. Copay and next weeks Allergist Specialist copay, there goes the budget.