Breastfeeding vs. Formulafeeding

This post is not intended to start a debate between breastfeeders vs formula feeding. It is merely to express my emotional journey between the two. I have no problems with formula feeding (for other people), though I will admit that I side eye people who HAVE milk and CAN breastfeed but choose to formula feed for no medically necessary reason (boob jobs, medicines etc.) as well as those who give up because it hurts or is hard. Those opinions also are closely tied to my own journey though and I realize this.

Breastfeeding (especially in the first weeks-err months) is one of the hardest things I've done. There was a weekend that I resorted to exclusively pumping because of how painful it was, but I went back to it and gritted my teeth through the pain. I'm 4 months in and my nipples are still tender and sore but not to an unbearable degree. I can still enjoy the act of breastfeeding at this point and appreciate the bonding experience.

I have fought, cried, and emotionally abused myself to breastfeed. Thanks to PCOS, my body does not produce enough to meet my sons needs. In four months my supply has not increased at all. Period. When my milk came in, I could pump 2 ounces. Which was fine for a 3 day old. Not so much for a 3 month old. I have worked with Dr's, lactation consultants, gadgets, pumping regimens, natural remedies, foods and prescription drugs. To this day, I can still only get 2 ounces every few hours. Which means he gets 2-4 ounces of formula every few hours (except at night).

the first time I gave him formula he was 5 or 6 days old and I cried the entire time. I think I cried the whole first week while giving him a bottle. I felt like a failure as a mom and to this day, those emotions and that memory of that moment haunt me.

(Here's where formula feeding moms will really gnash their teeth.) I'm EMBARRASSED to BUY FORMULA. I won't look the cashier in the eye. It's like being a teenage girl buying a pregnancy test or condoms. I'm embarrassed to give my baby a bottle in public because people can see me mix the powder and water and know its formula. (On the other hand I won't breastfeed in public either. I will whip them out around female family members or in a public retail women's lounge or mother's room, or even in my car parked at the edge of a prking lot away from everyone but won't find me on a bench int he mall with my boob out flapping in the breeze for the world to see.) (So there I have offended both types of moms with my prudishness equally!).

I have a negative image of formula feeding (that I never had before) due to my own struggle and desire to breastfeed. I'm projecting my own fears, experiences etc. into this one act of parenting becaue of my own dissappointment. The studies and articles about the benefits of breastfeeding over formula swim through my subconcious brain to give me nightmares.

I KNOW its okay. The Dr's tell me his fine and healthy and I'm doing a good job. Everyone comments on how alert and strong he is; How good his disposition and behavior are; how clear his skin; how beautiful of a baby he is. He is getting the immunities and benefits of breastmilk and the intimate bonding of nursing two ounces at a time.

I can go on like this as long as my body produces. If I can make it to 6 months he will still have recieved a lot of benefit from my meager supply. I, however, need to reconcile with myself this negativity. I tell myself that my body sin't a failure. It gave me the most amazing little boy after years of struggle, but this is one more black mark against it. Maybe thats part of the scars of being a bitter infertile. We never quite learn how to love ourselves again (and forgive our bodies) and automatically self loathe when our bodies don't perform the way we want.

I will always struggle with breastfeeding, the way my birth went, and with my body but just as I haven't given up with breastfeeding, I won't give up on trying to forgive me, even while I die of shame when purchasing formula.

Never say Never

I will Never...

...let my grandma keep my baby. She's getting frail.

...ask for help from anyone.

...leave my infant with someone other than his father.

...feed my child formula.

...co sleep. He has his own room.

...kiss my baby on the mouth.

...buy one of those hideously ugly bumbo seats.



A lesson in statements you make before becoming a parent...because you will obviously stick to them so well.

The Simple Conversations that shouldn't be taken for granted

While reading "babyproofing your marriage," I ran across an interesting statistic: 21% of couples do not agree on the number of children to have. 47% only think they agree (I may have that one slightly off as I'm doing this from memory). The woman usually gets the swing vote much to the dissatisfaction of the man. Couples actually bargain over having another kid trading things like weekly sex and chores. (Really? W.T.F. It's a child not a stock certificate!)
I know I've changed my mind several times over the years about how many munchkins I wanted and we have spent so much time and effort to get THIS ONE that we haven't really talked about overall family goals. We've talked abotu having another in two years and DH has only half joked about getting me knocked up immediately but nothing really past that.
So as we lay in bed reading, I casually turn to him and ask "so how many kids do you want?" Having been with the man for 6 years i was expecting a definitive TWO. he managed to surprise me with "as many as we can have." Okay. Taking into age and fertility? "2 or 3 is probably what we'll be able to do."
Just for shits and giggles, what if age weren't a factor? "As many as we could have which would still probably only be 2 or 3 because of affordability but if we could, I'd have more." (when did we become quiverfulls?)
Perfect answer though. I want two with an option of a third (assuming single births). I can't imagine having more so I think its safe to say my husband and I are in the statistical category of being in agreement. God how I love that man.
The fact that we can even have this conversation so casually feeling secure in our success of it is a wonder and blessing in itself. A year ago, I couldn'nt imagine planning our future children out with so much assurance but I'm finally feeling the peace and security of knowing I'm a mom and can plan to be a mom in the future.
I finally feel secure that I can give my husband his dreams (okay, not the duggar household, he can forget that!) without doubt.
After so many years of fear, this casual conversation with my soulmate can not pass without recognition. I can not take for granted the amazing gift I've been given to experience such peace and normalcy in a simple thing. A moment of discussing our future children with an assurance and peace of dreams that will happen.
I hope everyone has that moment and recognizeds it. Holds it in their hearts.

Loathing in Las Vegas....erm...North Carolina

Have I mentioned how much I hate maternity pants lately? Because I do. I'm not sure if it's because I'm plus sized, if they just aren't made right or what, but they are th emost uncomfortable and unattractive clothing items, I've ever put on my body. (and I've worn corsets, girdle's and a myriad of other contraptions that weren't deemed clothing). Why? Simply, they do not stay up!

the fit snugly in the hips and thighs, the length is good, but they have huge awkward belly panels that do not stay in place so when I walk the pants slide down leavin ghte crotch at my knees and my ass exposed because they take my underwear with them. There is possibly nothin on earth that makes you feeel more unattractive than exposing winter white flesh of the hip or dimpled butt crack while waddling through your place of employment or the grocery store doing the awkward heave/yank dance to keep your pants up. It's embarrassing.

By the end of the day I'm exhausted simply from maintainig my outfit and immediately slip on the nearest pair of sweatpants and tank top. I feel bad. I want to look cute and feel sexy for my husband but its kind of hard to do when you hate everything about your clothes. I may burn them after the baby is born. This is why I have squeezed into prepregnancy "fat" jeans for so long because the tightness in the waist was far more comfortable than the torture routine of maternity pants. 35 days to go though and I just can't squeeze anymore.

I'm "this" close to wearing yoga pants to work. I'm counting down and hoping that I can return to prepregnancy pants very quickly post partum. The day of would not be too soon but 2 weeks would suffice. My sweatpants can be worn till then!

Nursery Sneak Peak 1

So we have actually made way more progress on the nursery but I thought I would post a few of the beginning pictures. DH spent a lot of time painting the ceiling, the walls and putting up a new light fixture so I thought it only fair that I start at the beginning.

Color: is Bullfrog.

Crib: DaVinci Richmond

Metal Accents: Brushed Nickle

Trim: Dark Walnut

Floor: Red Oak Hardwoods with Dark Walnut Pegs

Because an Infant Needs Tonka Trunks

and Batman Toys and a Nerf sword/battle axe combo immediately upon exiting utero. At least that is what my husband told me when he went a little nuts with the scanner on the Target registry. Really honey? This is your idea of finishing a registry and taking the pressure off of me? 89 items, 30 of which are toys for boys over 3yo.

Uh huh. Maybe I don't know anything about boys and he in his all of his infinite wisdom and experience with his nephews and being a boy himself is on to something here, but I'm not seeing it. How are Tonka trucks and a 23 different bottles plus one pack of nipples supposed to give our son the perfect start in life?

My poor Matthew will have milk and toys. What more does a boy need right?

Because I'm a masochist at heart

I decided to torture myself further after the Registration failure and epic crying jag last night. My husband has laughed at me and officially taken over the Registration process. He came home to a sobbing/hiccuping melted down me curled on the sofa last night. Not one of my better pregnancy moments I can tell you.

So today, determined to be a better mother than yesterday indicated, I decided to accomplish something for my child's future.

I now have a list of classes, dates offered and fees required at the hospital including: beginner parents, Infant/child CPR certification and Breastfeeding. I will be going over those with my husband this weekend and making a decision on what/when to take them.

We are also pre-registered at the hospital as of today.

I still need to find a pediatrician but that is for another day I think. I have enough of a brain overload after dealing with the hospital and looking into 4 different daycare providers/facilities.

I am waiting to hear back about the In-home lady that was referred to me by a close friend. She has three children of her own, two of which are in school and she's looking for a child to keep during the day to bring in some money. She has kept other people's children and does a lot of short term day care/ babysitting for her church members but is looking for a full time child for extra income. She only lives about 2 miles from my house so that's a plus but I haven't met with her yet.

Daycare 1: Was hit by THE TORNADO last year and has been completely rebuilt and upgraded. The CLEANEST of all the facilities it offers new everything, passcoded door to get into the building as well as a computerized passcoded system to check your child in and out. They do provide formula and food but if you want specifics (which we will be doing breast milk if all goes well) you bring them in. They are not opposed to cloth diapering and just ask that you provide a pail for soiled items and empty it daily when you pick up the child. (YAY!) I met with the teachers and got to watch her interact with the babies which were all super content, clean and happy. In that whole place there wasn't a fussy baby anywhere and I dropped in unannounced so I know they didn't drug them for show..LOL. They just finished moving some children up to a new room and emptied their infant waiting list so I would be the first person on the waiting list and there are a few kids scheduled to move up in age around the time I am needing care. Clean and sanitize Everyday. The registration fee is $55.00 and will hold my spot for 6 months. Weekly fee is $139.00 and i have to pay even if my child won't be there for vacation etc to hold my spot. 2 miles from our house.

Daycare 2: Homestyle Atmosphere in a remodeled old home, older equipment, not as clean. More relaxed environment but they do not provide anything, no pass codes or security system. While I was there, friends of the teacher just came right in and picked up one of the kids to play with. Was not impressed with the facility though the owner was super nice and caring and definately worked hard at a friendly atmosphere. $150.00 per month with a $35.00 registration fee. No discounts for weeks you will be on vacation and not using services...you have to pay full amount to hold your spot. This one is definately out of the running. I was just not comfortable with the lay out and lack of security. 3 miles from our house but in the normal direction both of us take for work (though I can go a different route to go by Daycare 1).

Daycare 3: A well established facility that also provides afterschool care. It is on the older side and you can tell some things (carpet, paint) are worn but still has an essence of cleanliness. 4 star facility. Registration fee of $55.00 with a short waiting list. They were confident they would have a spot for me by the time I need it as they have kids moving up to a new room soon. Weekly Fee of $151.00. They do offer a discount if you will have your child out for a full week (for vacation etc). You only pay 1/3 of the weekly fee to hold your spot so that's nice. They do have a passcode to get into the door but nothing for checking your child in and out other than a teacher's sheet in the classroom. So some security. They are also not opposed to cloth diapering though they have not had anyone request that. They do not provide foods or cereals until toddler age. 4-5 miles from the house but on my normal route to work (half way between my home and work) and only a mile out of the way from DH's work route. They encourage parents to drop by and breastfeed during lunchtime. The main teacher for the infant room was like someone's grandma and the infants seemed very content and she was on the ball. One of the infants was a happy little boy with blue eyes and blonde hair who kept trying to hand me a block and grin at me. I wanted to smooch his little face but did good about keeping my hands off! LOL

All three facilities provide some type of daily sheet with changes, feeding, etc. information. The standard ratio is 5:1 apparently as all facilities claimed that. Until I hear from the In-home lady (and maybe even after) I am leaning toward Daycare 1 because of the ambience, security and overall feeling I got from there. All of them claimed Infant CPR training and state certifications for all their teachers. I'm going to go over the info with DH tonight and we will probably go back and visit Facility 1 and 3 if he wants to compare. I am not opposed to 3 if he prefers it because of location (since he wants to pick little man up every day) and because they have the discounted spot holder fees for weeks we have off (like me this week!) though I'm not sure if it would really save us that much money if any since its $11.00 higher per week then facility 1. There are other options a little further out/out of the way that we can look into but we were trying to stay as close to home/driving route as possible to increase time WITH him, reduce time away from him and in a car. All facilities will work with our schedules so no problem there.

UGH, decisions decisions! On one hand, I'm a little more comfortable now that I have visited with the idea of daycare and leaving my child somewhere but on the other it breaks my heart that I even have to make this decision right now before he is even here! I haven't even held him in my arms and i'm looking at these women who will cuddle him every day in my absence and I want to hate them for that but instead I'm searching their faces for love and compassion so I know they will care for my son.

I feel accomplished for having done all this and i feel like I have made great strides toward providing for my son but it sucks having to do all this "technical" planning when I just want to enjoy feeling him wiggle and dream of his sweet face. For now, I think I will enjoy my decaf Starbucks and relax. It was a fairly busy but productive morning!

Universal Truths: Target Registrations Suck and I'm a bad mother

I have attempted to Register four times at both Babies R' Us and then today Target because I've been told to register at two places. Babies R' Us is overwhelming. My biggest problem? Diapers. I haven't a clue. I have recommendations for cloth diapers but BRU doesn't carry them. I literally almost cry in the diaper area every time because I don't know what to register for but I need something to cover my baby's cute little powdered bottom.

So after a 45 minutes nightmare of dealing with crappy computers and broken scanners at Target I scanned a few different sizes and brands of diapers and said done. I'm just going to have to buy the cloth diapers I guess. In the baby section, EVERYTHING was on clearance and it won't let you scan the clearance items or any item with only a few left (limited availability). Well in the four shelf selection, that pretty much encompassed EVERYTHING. So when I was almost in tears, I called it a day with a grand whopping total of 21 items on my registry. There's no point in even telling anyone about it which means I've got to go and add things to the BRU one or my kid won't have any socks or diapers.

I avoided the bottle wall at both stores so we are praying my boobs work. At this point, I'm over the whole registry thing. It's not fun, its not sweet, its not exciting. It's a lesson in frustration and annoyance to the point I'd rather just buy everything as I need it. So I'll just hope my boobs are functional and someone gets me the car seat so I can bring my naked little boy home and figure the rest out later. Seriously. OVER IT.

I do not understand why I can't seem to be able to make a decision to save my life. My husband has pretty much had to hold my hand picking bedding, names, registering for things because I can't decide on anything. It's a big deal and I don't want to scar my child for life by giving him an ugly pacifier (rolls eyes at myself).

Before Pregnancy, I was a decisive person who was in control and had all the ideas organized and planned in my head. I could argue a stop sign to turning green and never gave in till I had a task done. I'm not sure what happened between that girl and the girl I am now who is conquered by a department store scan gun and reduced to a weeping sobbing mess who crawls home to my husband. Completely not me and I don't like this person or Target anymore.

So if you come to my baby shower, buy me useful things that you know I will need because I haven't a clue and my pathetic registry can not be trusted. kthanks.

NURSERY NEWSFLASH!

THE BEDDING IS HERE!

MY SON HAS CRIB BEDDING! OMG! He's not even here yet and he's already such a little boy I want to cry. It was all I could do to not blubber all over the bedding as I unpacked it but it made it so real. Now I get to pick paint colors! I adore the teal blue but I think its too dark. I'm thinking possibly doing half the wall in tan and half the wall in the avocado green with a chair rail or yellow stripe in the middle.

Decisions, decisions.

Early onset of Panic

When is it normal for the panic to set in? I feel like I have all the time in the world and milestones can’t get here fast enough. I feel like I should hold off buying anything or even registering till Christmas time (I have a week’s vacation then plus will know the sex.) For some reason though, I am feeling this little bubble of panic. I am RUNNING OUT OF TIME! There is too much to do! Too much to buy! Too much to get! I’m never going to be ready!

On the other hand I have TOO much to do outside of baby, to take the time to do anything FOR baby. I’m in panic mode getting ready for this big party at my house this weekend for my dad’s 60th birthday.

Then I have to throw all my energy into decorating for fall, getting the Halloween party set up. After that I will throw myself into Thanksgiving preperations and the excitement of finding out baby’s sex! Once I do though, I have to worry about getting through Christmas! Sometime in there I may actually need to buy maternity clothes!

All these wonderful things that I have planned to keep my occupied, focused and busy are suddenly drowning me! What switch flipped in my brain when I hit 13 weeks at the first day of fall, that sent me from “keep busy” to “oh crap, I’m screwed”. I was so afraid of focusing on this baby too much and fearing loss that I overbooked myself and now I may have taken away some of that time to not only ENJOY the baby in utero but to Prepare for this baby!

I can do this right? Is this normal to get a hopefully short term flash of panic at the onset of 2nd tri? Does anyone have a spare copy of Baby Bargains? ::breathes into paper bag::

HLB's Crib Yo (Recovered document YAY!)

My husband is obsessed with cribs. OBSESSED. He originally wanted this little cherry convertible number from BRU that had a detachable changing tray that becomes a side table. It progressed to looking at one in espresso and moved on from there.

At this point, I believe he has looked at every crib made by man in the past two years. We are limited by budget but also our desires. We are now leaning towards a convertible crib with a matching dresser that may or may not have a built in changing area on top of the dresser. Prefer black but cherry and maybe espresso are contenders. Beyond that, I pretty much have no say in the crib (at least that is what he thinks). Oh, he shows me the ones he likes and if I hate it, it’s a firm NO and he moves on but the ones he really loves (which are usually OKAY for me) he marks. I’m a stickler on price and I think that will be my ultimate downfall.

My darling husband, who has multiple holes in his pocket, and can’t save money at all, has been saving money behind my back. (We have a joint account and joint savings but he always takes money out before depositing the check for food/drinks/ incidentals as he travels daily to job sites.) I never know how much he keeps because he will work overtime here and there but he is consistent on the amount he deposits and keeps whatever is above that amount. In the short time we have known we are pregnant (so less than 7 weeks) he has managed to squirrel away $530 bucks from basically his LUNCH money. A) I’m extremely impressed at his commitment to buying the crib and dresser on his own. B) I’m starting to think I should see how much his checks are because he is obviously keeping way too much money –no wonder he’s gained so much weight! LOL (I kid, I kid, I’m not THAT controlling).

However, I have a feeling since he’s worked so hard to save this money (and skipped meals to do so) that if he falls in love with a crib, I’m going to have to live with it. I have mixed feelings on this. A) It’s my kid too, I should get some choice damn it B) Our tastes are actually pretty comparable when it comes to baby stuff so even if its not my favorite choice, I’m sure I will be okay with it C) He is so excited and into this one part of it that I kind of don’t want to take that from him. He is ADAMANT that we are buying the crib and that it will be a convertible so the furniture will be FROM us and GO WITH our child. I totally understand that sentiment. He is working so hard at the research (literally daily), the pricing, the saving, etc. that part of me wants it to be HIS thing. “Daddy picked out your furniture especially for you.”

So many guys are not into the baby thing, the nursery stuff etc. Even the infertility issues, I hear stories where the guy just doesn’t want to know. DH was blah about the fertility. He went to the appointments and wanted the info from the HSG etc. He stayed with me through the pain of miscarriage and sat at the hospital during the D&C. He would check my cervix when I asked (that whole long finger thing) and always perform on command. He even occasionally wanted to know what my chart looked like and where we were. He always made sure I took my meds. Now that we are pregnant? Whole new story. He is INTO IT man.

He researches STUFF and makes lists of things he likes and what he wants. HE talks about it all with me. He makes me chicken soup when I’m pukey and grudgingly changes the cat litter. He rubs my belly in the mornings when he wakes me up and tells all his coworkers the crazy things I do (like sit up at 2am and turn the light on, waking him up and saying everything is fine and falling right back asleep which I don’t really remember doing.) I just feel like I should let him have this furniture thing. I know he will take my preferences into consideration but if it comes down to a few choices and he really likes one and I’m just okay about it, I think I may give in. What do you think? Would you feel the same way or would you want to be involved in every little detail? (and have no fear, the bedding and paint and decorations will totally be my choice but so far he has agreed with me on all the girl bedding, we are at a bit of a standoff on the boy bedding though.) Maybe I can negotiate the boy bedding better if I give in on the furniture choice. LOL

Babies R Us-Trip 1

So I met Sarah out for lunch today and for fun, we took a browse through Babies R Us. My first trip in that story as a pregnant woman. I refrained from buying anything even though I was strongly attracted to the clearance little boy clothes with the cute skulls on them. DH would have loved them.

I also found a fabulous bath set that I love. Other than that, everything was just so darn overwhelming. I've never been a neutral person. It's blue or pink. I despise yellow baby clothes. Strangely EVERYTHING I liked was green and brown though. Completely neutral. I ofcourse loved the little girl clothes. How can you not? but everything else I went for was straight up boy stuff.

None of it means a darn thing, but I found the experience interesting and overwhelming.

I came home to a ticked off DH chasing horses again. The hauling of them to my Dad's was changed to tomorrow. He is very ready for them to go at this point. He also had cleaned the birds cage and moved it out of what will be the nursery into the dining room. We now have ONE very pissed off bird (he was allowed to fly around the entire bedroom versus being stuck in his cage) being stalked by a very interested cat who has not moved from the floor beneath the cage. (The cage is hanging from the ceiling in the corner). It did give me a little flutter to realize that one week in, and he's already cleaning out the nursery. AWW.

Sweetest Moment this week: DH came to bed last night after I was asleep. He didn't know he woke me up. He cuddled up against me and laid his hand and gently rubbed over my lower tummy as if he was saying good night/soothing the baby that is growing in there. I smiled in the dark.