the Mom Syndrome

I have a whole new appreciation for my mother now that I am one. Growing up there are aspects to a mother you can never understand.She baffles your brain.

She watches TV standing up, never quite having he rattention caught as she's cooking dinner/cleaning/wrangling children at the same time.

No matter how early you wake up, she's already awake (with coffee in her hand.)

While everyone is enjoying a lazy weekend, the mom is still working-making meals, cleaning up, washing the beach towels, etc. (probably nagging for a little help.)

She's almost always the last to bed, making sure dishes are done, food is put away, bags are packed for the morning, turning off lights.

If you ever get her to sit down to a movie, she falls asleep. She is always tired and carries a faint scent of coffee like its a fine perfume.

I have officially become my mother, and as much as I lamented this future as a teenager, its really not a bad place to be. It's exhausting and the work is never done, but I feel accomplished on a good day and the moments of snuggling, the smiles and joy and love on my child's face are worth every yawn & dust bunny, and evn worth becoming my mother, because, hey, I didn't turn out so bad!

Portrait Studios have Possibility

My MIL wanted family photos (with the entire family) as her birthday gift. How can I complain when I got this out of it? cheesy Portrait pictures? Yes please.



double cheese but whatevs.

Best Friends in the House of Smith

In a house full of animals, I envisioned my son romping around with a frisky dachshund at his heels (mostly our rambunctious boy doxie). I even imagined that our female would be very mothering and snuggling with him. So far our boy dog wants nothing to do with him and is acting out: peeing in the house, disobeying, getting into everything. Basically driving me insane. Our female acts like she has been beat when you say one negative word to her (like NO) and runs tail tucked to her crate as if the hounds of hell were after her. She is slowly coming around to listening to commands without being offended but she is still so desperate for attention that she goes stupid occasionally. She is coming along. Atleast she likes the baby she just wants to be in my lap and with him at all times.
Scarlett and Matt

What I didn't expect, was the cat to be the most behaved and attentive. She hangs out in Matthew's room. Sleeps in the drawer under his crib and on the daybed in his room. She is constantly hanging out whereever we are and acting like a gargoyle perched on the arm of the recliner. She gently sniffs the top of his head and licks the bottom of his feet at risk to life and limb as he is very ticklish and one day with deadly accuracy is bound to kick her in the head. When he's in his bouncy chair I've even caught her on her back underneath pulling herself over the top to pat him on his head and then darting off to come back and do it again. She's infatuated.
Truffles and Matt

I just wonder if she will still be the numero uno bestest bud when he can pull her fluffy tail.

Dear Matthew

Today is the last day I will write to you in utero. Tomorrow our dream comes true and we start the process of meeting you. I hope you come tomorrow and don't delay the process. I woke up this morning and had so many thoughts running through my head and I wrote to my friends with this message. It says everything I was feeling this morning.

"So I woke up this morning with the realization
that today is the last day as just a married couple. Everything we have worked towards for the past four years, that we started 7 years ago, is culminating now.

Tomorrow we become parents. We become a family of three (even though we already are). Tomorrow (or shortly thereafter as the process could take awhile) we have this much desired, long awaited squirmy little boy entirely dependent on the two of us. Tomorrow we wake up at 5am to head to the hospital to have a baby!

And I have to admit, as much as we have wanted this, and worked toward this, and are ready for this....I am scared out of my every loving effing mind.

It's kind of a wierd feeling, realization to know it all comes down to this...our last day, our last morning...as just the two of us. I'm excited, scared, overwhelmed, anxious and every other emotional adjective you can think of. I never thought I would feel ALL OF THIS."

Your daddy and I are so excited to meet you and start our life. We are overwhelmed and excited and scared. We love you so much and tomorrow is approaching so fast. I hope we are everything you need us to be and that we can give you the best life and everything you deserve.

Love,
Your Mama

The Simple Conversations that shouldn't be taken for granted

While reading "babyproofing your marriage," I ran across an interesting statistic: 21% of couples do not agree on the number of children to have. 47% only think they agree (I may have that one slightly off as I'm doing this from memory). The woman usually gets the swing vote much to the dissatisfaction of the man. Couples actually bargain over having another kid trading things like weekly sex and chores. (Really? W.T.F. It's a child not a stock certificate!)
I know I've changed my mind several times over the years about how many munchkins I wanted and we have spent so much time and effort to get THIS ONE that we haven't really talked about overall family goals. We've talked abotu having another in two years and DH has only half joked about getting me knocked up immediately but nothing really past that.
So as we lay in bed reading, I casually turn to him and ask "so how many kids do you want?" Having been with the man for 6 years i was expecting a definitive TWO. he managed to surprise me with "as many as we can have." Okay. Taking into age and fertility? "2 or 3 is probably what we'll be able to do."
Just for shits and giggles, what if age weren't a factor? "As many as we could have which would still probably only be 2 or 3 because of affordability but if we could, I'd have more." (when did we become quiverfulls?)
Perfect answer though. I want two with an option of a third (assuming single births). I can't imagine having more so I think its safe to say my husband and I are in the statistical category of being in agreement. God how I love that man.
The fact that we can even have this conversation so casually feeling secure in our success of it is a wonder and blessing in itself. A year ago, I couldn'nt imagine planning our future children out with so much assurance but I'm finally feeling the peace and security of knowing I'm a mom and can plan to be a mom in the future.
I finally feel secure that I can give my husband his dreams (okay, not the duggar household, he can forget that!) without doubt.
After so many years of fear, this casual conversation with my soulmate can not pass without recognition. I can not take for granted the amazing gift I've been given to experience such peace and normalcy in a simple thing. A moment of discussing our future children with an assurance and peace of dreams that will happen.
I hope everyone has that moment and recognizeds it. Holds it in their hearts.

Goodbye to an Era

An Era of longhair rebel love. Dramatic you say? Well yes. You see, when I met my husband he had long hair. He had spent four years in the Marines with a military cut so the day he got out (Feb. 14th) he vowed not to cut his hair for four years. He was two years into this when we met. The Valentines day AFTER we married he cut all his hair off and donated it to Locks of Love. (did I mention he has gorgeous blonde silky hair that would make a woman die of envy?)

So he decided to do it again. So the past four years he has been growing it out for the sole purpose of donating it. He decided due to his shortly changing career (he's in school now) and becoming a father, this would be the last time. In a way, it makes me sad, because for the majority of the time I have been with him, he has had long hair. Our children will never know this loose, laid back hippie guy as a father. They will only know this tall guy with the military cut (who is still handsome but seems so much sterner and less rock and roll.)

So for the sake of posterity, on Valentines Day, I recorded the transformation. The loss of our youthful marriage and the progression into full on adult hood. Enjoy.

Looking Back ...Looking Forward...Looking Beyond Myself

It's Happening Too Fast. Everything. It's just whizzing by like a speeding Amtrak Train and I can't slow it down. This past week has been crazy. Monday after the babyshower I woke feeling puny. Puny enough to stay home from work and sleep most of the day. Monday Afternoon was my first NonStress Test which stressed ME out after waiting in the waiting room for over an hour watching people come and go. (yea, they forgot about me).

Tuesday I found out my Uncle (and neighbor) died during the night. It hit me hard. He was like a grandfather to me, this giant presence always in my life. I spent the next few days in a haze of trying to finish up Thank You notes from the Shower, Dr's appointments, work during the day, and spending every night with my family next door at my cousins, taking food over, sharing stories and tears.

Thursday afternoon, at the second NonStress Test I had a melt down. For twenty minutes two different nurses could not pick up the heartbeat. Even though I had felt him move on the way there, I lost it. The stress came crashing in and I panicked. Everything was fine though. He was in a wierd position and the machine was having trouble keeping the heartbeat but once he started moving his test came back perfect. They left me hooked up longer because of that though and so I was stiff and uncomfortable by the time I was done. I rushed off to the Viewing Service at the funeral home and stayed till the very end spending time among my family.

Friday was one of the hardest days in a long long time. I had the day off work since the funeral was at 2 so I spent the morning running errands: hem tape for DH's suit pants, dress shoes for him (as this was the first time EVER my husband donned a suit. He didn't even wear one at our wedding!) the post office to mail out TY notes. I hemmed DH's pants and tried to clean the house to keep myself busy but as usual I overdid it. By the time the funeral rolled around I could barely stand but I made it through. It was one of the largest I have seen in a very long time and I cried my way through it. Silent tears streaming down my face, embracing my loved ones.

Nothing can prepare you for seeing your father cry though. My dad is such a strong man and I've seen him tear up but a few times but when he openly stood there staring at his brother's casket and loudly weeping, no one could take it. My sister, mother and I closed ranks and surrounded him and openly cried for him, with him and for the rest. Nothing prepares you for your family growing old. We have buried two uncles within the past three months. My father is the only brother left among his siblings. Two of my aunts are sick and on the other side of the family the numbers are dwindling. I wouldn't be surprised if before this year is over we are burying four more.

How do you make it through such upheavals of emotions in such short time periods? Elation and joy over family coming together to welcome my baby boy to sadness and grief a few days later over losing one of our own? Not to mention the stress in between with the Dr's etc.

Needless to say, I have not touched my blogs in a week or more. It's just been too much. I didn't know what to say, how to form the words. I missed my weekly update but I just couldn't bring myself to post it amidst everything going on.

And now we have return to normal, but I feel like I've forever been changed. My aloof self that was happy in my own little world with my husband and baby and dogs is gone. I'm clinging to my expanded family and I want Matthew to know them. To have those memories of cousins and crazy adventures and not just at funerals and reunions every other year. I want him to know vacations and holidays and all the frustration of leaving right on top of your family, the good, the bad and the irritating. I want him to be part of this craziness and tell stories to his children of yesteryear and days gone by.

Yesterday morning my parents met me at Babies R Us with an old car seat and highchair that they had tried to donate to Goodwill. We traded them in at the "Trade In Event" and even though Mom and Dad had just bought us our Pack N Play the weekend before for the shower, they shelled out the money for one of our carseats and a few small items. I took full advantage of the sale and coupons to pick up the other carseat, the baby tub set, hooded towels, several outfits and a boppy.

So even though the night before we had just celebrated the life and passing of family, the next morning we still looked to the future and prepared for Matthew. We cried for one and cooed over the cuteness of baby things and the circle continued. This morning I went to church, a church that my grandmother helped start and that my family still attends and I was welcomed with open arms by my aunts and the congregation and they spoke of my Uncle and his passing with fondness and admiration and I cried again. One life that has touched so many in his way, and I hope and pray that I can do the same and raise this precious little boy to make such an impact on his family and community.

I hope, I find the strength and the way to keep this generation tied so closely together and loving and supporting each other the way the generation before me did. We have a lot of stories to create, a lot of life to live to come anywhere close, but I've seen how important it is, and Matthew has led me to see the worth in trying.

I'm Dreaming of McFatty Mondays

I actually miss dieting. (I can’t believe I actually said those words aloud and put them in writing.) I miss the conscious effort of food to exercise ratio to results on a scale. Pregnancy counteracts that equation in every way. I eat well, watch my portions, do some exercise and the scale goes up. It’s a mind-fuck after years of it working the other way.

It is very difficult to find a balance between eating well for pregnancy and dieting in order to NOT gain weight by doctor’s orders. I don’t seem to be able to grasp the concept. So I’m focusing on all the ways I’m going to LOSE the weight after HLB is born.

For years, I had trouble losing weight for myself. I walked the line of trying and wanting to be that healthy version of me and then I started getting the hang of it and eating to suit my body with the new information I have. Now, it’s a whole different story.

I want to be everything I can be, as healthy as I can be for my son. I want to be an active pretty mom that sets a good example and has the energy to go to all his events and play in the yard even after a full day of work and housework. I’m already going to be an “old” mom (which hopefully in today’s society isn’t as noticeable) but I don’t want to be an ugly fat one on top of that.

I have new directions, new goals, new inspiration to be the absolute best and live a very full life so that my SON has the best childhood and experiences that I can give him and that includes being able to keep up with him and play in the yard, go hiking, go riding, and not pass out on the sofa as soon as I hit the door. Some people let themselves go as a mother blaming lack of time on the children.

I can’t imagine, because I want to take care of myself MORE now FOR my child.

Thankful for Children Loving Dogs

Somethings do not turn out like you wanted nor expected, like hosting Thanksgiving. There is only so much that you can control. The rest is out of your hands.

Then there are some things that turn out better than expected and brings joy to your heart and excitement for the future, like a mob of little blonde boys and two happy Dachshunds.

There is no denying that my three nephews are in the same family though they honestly look nothing like either my SIL or BIL, they still manage to look like each other (and favor my husband a little bit in his baby pictures). Those genes are strong in that family and there is a good chance my own son may get those strong traits despite my almost black hair and slightly olive skin tone. When you see these happy little faces with cuddly wiggly dogs though? The only thing you can do is smile to think it won't be long before my little boy will be surrounded by ecstatic pups whether he be blonde, brunette or even ginger.

Who couldn't fall in love with these sights to behold and be Thankful for these adorable pups and boys no matter how stressful the holiday turned out to be? My future with my son and dogs is bright indeed. :)

Gender Anxiety

I can’t believe tomorrow is the big day. It blows my mind. What happened to “this day will never get here?” I’m expecting today and tomorrow morning to move so slowly but so far it has sped along at a normal clip to spite me.

I know, the time is hurtling towards the ultrasound because I’m scared to death. I’m not scared my baby won’t be there but I’m scared of what will happen AFTER we find out the gender. Why you ask? Well let me be blunt.

We don’t care what we have. I am just as excited for a boy as a girl and vice versa as is my husband but we are both worried about our families’ relationship and reactions with our child.

We have tried for three almost four years for a child, long after our other siblings have had a few. (Each of our siblings has two children already). All of the grandchildren are boys. We have been put upon with so much pressure to have “THE girl.” Even when we were struggling with IF, insensitive comments were made constantly about its up to us, and we need to figure it out because we owe the family a girl etc. etc. It was very hurtful because all we wanted was a baby.

Since getting pregnant, more pressure has been put on us. “Make sure it’s a girl, we are putting our order in for a granddaughter etc.” to the point that it has taken all I had in me not to scream at them. Now that the time is here to find out, I’m scared to death. They have taken a lot of our joy and excitement away to be replaced by nerves and apprehension.

DH and I discussed it yesterday and he has the same fears that I do. We have been planning all along for either sex: picking out both names, picking out both sets of bedding and nursery ideas etc. We are both prepared for the fact that if HLB is a girl we will be inundated with gifts and clothes that we don’t even want but its already been established that if it’s a boy we will be getting hand me downs only as no one is excited to buy for another boy and I want to cry.

I want to cry for my son that I will love very much because he will be overlooked by his extended family and it breaks my heart. We are prepared for the comments. My husband is actually ready to end his relationship with his parents if they say one negative thing about our son being a boy. He was furious in his discussion yesterday because he knows them, and he knows what things will be said and he if it comes to pass like that, he will never again see his family and I know this.

We know my family will not be as bad though there are bound to be some stupid comments made (and have already been but I refrain from mentioning them here for many reasons) but my mother has already expressed excitement in having either sex so we are more apt to put them in their place over stupid comments then to end a relationship with them completely. Maybe its different as they only have TWO grandchildren where as the other side has FOUR. I don’t know. But it hurts me unbearably.

I want a little boy. I want a little girl too. I’m greedy. I want both and we fully intend to have a second child in 2-3 years. I feel that if this one is a boy though, I will be so full of anxiety waiting for the end of relationships, the inevitable comments, etc. that I won’t enjoy it. I feel that for my baby’s sake, it would be best if this first one is a girl, and THAT makes me feel like an absolutely horrible mother.

I have been living with this apprehension over the sex of my baby for a very long time. I can’t get it out of my head right now with it looming tomorrow. I side-eye people when they express gender disappointment because a baby is all I want but now that its here I’m so afraid I will have it simply because of family dynamics and I feel like a wretched person and a fraud. Maybe this is a Karmic lesson that I shouldn’t judge other’s because I don’t know what they are going through (though most of the time they give stupid reasons like they don’t want to clean a penis or simply want to decorate in pink and they still deserved side-eyeing).

It’s all I can do to type this out and put this giant fear into words. I feel physically sick to my stomach having written it but I don’t want it festering inside me. I’m hoping by getting it out that I can focus on the joy. We are so truly excited to give a name to our baby and go shopping and plan for this little One’s future and we will do so with or without our families but I so want this baby to be loved and know its grandparents and cousins. It DESERVES that no matter what is between its legs.

I know, that no matter what happens and who this baby turns out to be, that it will never want for love because his/her Daddy and Mommy love it to the moon and back and that will be enough it has to be.

Circle of Life- RIP Uncle Chuck

We often forget in our obsession with our babies and starting a family that there is an end. All life ends and we take it for granted. Those who have experienced infant loss, know intimately how quickly things end and carry with them a heavy dose of fear for the future.

When we finally get past a comfort point, we know that there are still things that can happen and we retain that apprehension through it all but we find a comfort level. It all floods back in when there is a loss of any kind.

Yesterday, my Uncle died. I’ve lost all my grandparents save one and a year ago I lost a Great Uncle but this is the closest family member to die in a long time. I was not close to him but he was family. I remember the big family holiday dinners when my grandmother was still alive when Uncle Chuck and his wife would come by. They were always
immaculately dressed and proper. I was always in awe of them because they were so put together. My dad respected his oldest brother. There was almost a 20 year difference.

While my father was in diapers, his brother was fighting the German’s in World War II. At a young age he was cleaning out concentration camps and seeing the evils of humanity, greed and power. Yet, he came home to be an upstanding family man and remained true and faithful to his church. He was married for 60 years and raised three children. He suffered losing a granddaughter at the age of 8 who was born with half a heart. He lived a long and productive life and in the end he was able to leave the pain of pancreatic cancer behind and go home to heaven.

Tomorrow will be hard. Tomorrow I have to be strong for my father who is upset and grieving. We lost my grandmother on Thanksgiving 7 years ago. I never met my grandfather. He died 37 years ago before I was born. I can only imagine what is going through my father’s head as his big family ages before his eyes. He just turned 60 (he’s the youngest of 6 children) and I can see the age wearing on him.

Times like this I wonder what the future holds. Will my children get a chance to know their grandparents and have a relationship with them that they can remember. Will they know the joys of a large extended family? Will they get to run wild in the woods playing hide and seek with their cousins?

I started late in life. I’m 32 having my first child. My parents are 58 and 60. Sometimes I wonder what kind of life and traditions my children will remember. They will be different from mine. They will hold things dear to their hearts but will they know the same joys, love, sorrow, I know? Sometimes the future scares me. I can’t imagine life without my parents, cousins, etc. That day is coming but its not today.

Today I have to remember the life of a great family man who was loved by many. Today I have to celebrate the continuance of the circle starting with HLB. There is joy even in the passing. There is a tomorrow even in the dawn of today.

Happy Anniversary to Us.

Yesterday was our Anniversary.

FOUR YEARS of marriage. Six years together. It’s almost hard to believe that I’ve been with him that long and at the same time it still feels new and exciting sometimes, like we’ve just moved in and are still newly weds.

Our life has changed quite a bit for this year though. Last year at this time we were suffering the physical and emotional effects of the miscarriage, clinging together, blocking out the world.

This year, we are celebrating my expanding waist line, struggling with exhaustion of his hectic schedule being in school and working full time, trying to get through and live life. We are doing our Annual Halloween Party this year that we cancelled last year. DH has been sick and exhausted, I’ve had the severe back pain this week etc.

So on our actual anniversary, we spend a giftless quiet night laying together on our sofa watching Halloween Sitcoms and eating a quick easy dinner of beef and cheese burritos (homemade of course) and Halloween mini chocolates.

It was quiet and humble and sweet. As much as I’m looking forward to cooking the party foods with my sister’s help tonight, and having people come and enjoy a fire, food and fun tomorrow, DH and I are in agreement that we are looking forward to a quiet relaxing Sunday doing NOTHING.

A day together, watching DVR’d tv shows and movies, munching on leftovers and candy in our pajamas.

The older we get, the crazier our life gets, the more we appreciate those rare days when we don’t have to think about yard work, house chores, budgets, commitments and errands. We get to cuddle, veg and look forward to getting through one more week of voting, chiro appts, and daily life before the BIG Ultra Sound. It’s SO CLOSE!

Through everything we’ve been through in the past 4 years: home, job layoffs, pay cuts, IF, miscarriage etc. I can honestly say that our relationship has stayed strong and grown. We are solid. We are still in love and looking forward to our family with our whole hearts. I still look forward to seeing him at the end of each day, a kiss on the top of my head still makes my knees week, he still makes me laugh, he’s still the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and grow old with. He’s still the man I want to present HLB to, and say “Look at what we did. Look at the perfection our love created.”

Being Self-aware and Self-centered

I may not be a smug pregnant woman, because I appreciate every moment I am pregnant (despite the occasional complaint about the cramps, back pain and sleeplessness LOL) but I can honestly say I am a self-centered one.

I think everyone needs to be honest with themselves and other’s and I am self-centered right now. I think, in a way, its justified. Pregnant women (and not just IFers and loss sufferers but pregnant women as a whole group) should be more aware of their bodies during this time. (Charters, IF sufferers, and Loss sufferers tend to be more aware than most people even before pregnancy and become hyper aware afterwards). Our bodies are these amazing natural machines that go through all these organic changes that can seem really crazy sometimes.

Not to mention we want and should keep our bodies absolutely healthy as possible, be even more conscious of what we put in our mouths, exercise, injury etc. because its no longer just us that we are screwing over, there’s another being in there dependent on our bodies. (Like a parasite, isn’t that a lovely thought?)

I’ve had my share of junk food. I’ve never done drugs nor been a heavy drinker but I have had my share of rough and tumble party nights and I was a smoker for 15 years. (a few off years here and there but most of that decade and a half I smoked.) I haven’t maintained a healthy lifestyle my whole life though is the point.

In the past few years, I have become a more self conscious person when it comes to how I live. I’ve been a non smoker for almost two years (yes, I know if you do the math, that means I smoked during the first year of TTC with the intentions of quitting the moment I found out…it was stupid of me.) I’ve made so many changes to my diet and lifestyle as I’ve actually discovered things about myself (my mortality, my allergies, my PCOS etc.) and have become a much healthier (and smaller!) version of me.

Now that I have finally made it some distance on a long awaited journey of actually bringing a child into the world, I am even more self centered. Everything we do, every place we go, everything we eat is first weighed and thought about in terms of “what about me and my baby?” Do I want to try a new restaurant that DH wants to go to and risk an allergy attack since I’m pregnant? Do I really want to get up early and go shopping all day and if I do are their baby stores nearby? Etc. etc. etc.

Do I want to go to the in-laws at Christmas when I am 7 months pregnant? (that would be a hell no by the way). I am completely absorbed by myself and this child. I day dream about cribs and bedding during work. I mark the passage of time by counting down days to my next events which bring me closer to the next baby appt.

I’ve let certain aspects of my life outside the home slide because I just don’t feel like putting in the effort anymore and that’s probably a little self centered too. But hey, at least I’m honest and I don’t act or pretend like the world revolves around me nor do I ask to be waited on hand and foot or be focused on at family events etc. But in my own head? Yea, I’m totally focused on me and my little family. I admit it freely.

The Family that plays together...

When I was young, I never needed anyone…oh wait, no, that was Celine Dion. Never mind. Seriously, family has always been important to me. Even when I was going through my college rebellious independent phase, I still had and relied on a strong family support system.
My family is amazing. We have our issues, like I can’t stand to be in the room with my mother and sister for more than 30 minutes without wanting to strangle someone, but each by themselves is totally okay. My mother and sister live beside each other and are together ALL the time. They have this unique bickering/nagging thing that is like the Gilmore Girls but more annoying and not half as cute. They don’t even notice but it drives the rest of us up the wall. I still love them immensely. My husband swears that my sister and I are equally as annoying as we have our own way of communicating that is half mind meld, half finished sentences, private smirks and shrill laughter. Oh and when we are all together, we get LOUD. Not just the immediate family but EVERYONE. The hazards of not only growing up on open land and yelling between the houses but of bad hearing, old age and trying to talk over each other results in loud conversations and voices. My poor husband escapes whenever possible. (Don’t feel too sorry for him though, because his family has equally annoying quirks that he just doesn’t pay attention to as much that drive me apeshitbatty.)

For my precious Dad’s 60th birthday, we through a surprise party for him at my house with a 1950’s sock hop theme (the year he was born). We invited his family and extended family over and had an old fashioned barbeque. We (and I mean my darling brother-in-law) literally fired the pig up at 5am in my backyard and smelled up the neighborhood all day long. Our neighbors woke up drooling all over their pillows with scented smoke drifting around their homes. They kept doing drive bys and walk by’s like swarming flies ready to pounce on us. LOL

Here are a few pictures (taken by Mrs.Beth who also made the awesome cake) of the party full of my family and friends who are always there to celebrate, to lift you up, and to help you out if you ever need it. I am so blessed to be bringing a child into such a strong family that knows how to be together and to show an abundance of strength, character and love. I grew up strong, safe and secure. I was taught love, understanding, and courage from these amazing people and I’m ready to pass that along to a new generation.

My Dad's Sister Sue came complete with homemade poodle skirt!


My sister and I


BIL and His Dad cooking up some amazing Barbeque in my backyard.

For all my girls

It’s odd. In my little internet world, BFP’s come in waves. I’ve watched for years as beloved members/friends of our group have joined the ranks of pregnancy in envy. Last year, I joined one of the babyplosions. I rejoiced, as did many people at my success. They mourned with me with my M/C. I watched them continue on with a mix of joy and sadness.

I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.

I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.

There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”

Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.

I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.

I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.

I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.

But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.

I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.

IF WisDUMB from My Mother

On the news both last night and this morning, they ran a segment on the Swine Flu Pandemic and the upcoming vaccines. In the segment they stated that among those more susceptible to death after contracting Swine Flu were pregnant women.

So on the phone with my mother this morning, she says "I saw this segment on Swine Flue (which I had already seen) and it said Pregnant Women were more susceptible to death due to swine flu then others, so see its a good thing you can't get pregnant. You should wait till all the vaccines are out and this pandemic is over."

I told her to STFU and don't say shit like that to me and hung up.

I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't want me to have children. She can't possibly have enough time and love for more grandchildren since she is so consumed with my sister and her two children so she looks at my IF as a blessing to her. I really hate the fact that I'm starting to have hateful feelings for my mother more and more frequently.

I really really need to quit talking to her. I do this to myself by continuing to look for affection and support from her. When will I learn this lesson? Apparently, I'm pretty thickheaded and dimwitted myself because I keep going back for more.

"Mother, will you kick me again please? I like it and am starving for affection." ::palmface::