It’s amazing what happens to your blog once you have something to talk about. All of a sudden there are new worries, new stresses, and new excitement to chronicle for the world to read. Your fingers fly everyday to record for posterity every ache, every thought, and every symptom. What once was a weak attempt to continue writing once a week through the fog of bitterness and defeat, has become an effort in reigning yourself in not to blab the constant state of your bowels and heartburn. (Yea, as if I really edit that out!)
In an age of technology, I think many of us have forgotten the simple things though. Like journaling the old fashioned way. You know, writing to yourself in a small book, way back before we became so narcissistic that we assume EVERYONE wants to read our innermost personal thoughts? I found an almost blank journal on the bookshelves at home. Apparently I had decided two or three years ago to keep a gardening journal. I have started writing in it daily at work to record the most random thoughts, quotes, fears, symptoms etc. It’s rather ugly, like someone’s 80’s wallpaper threw up all over it. I can’t imagine I ever chose it for myself, but I’m a little to thrifty to buy something new (or impatient when I had words ready to bleed across a page, take your pick)
It’s very therapeutic. There is no pressure to make a cohesive sentence or edit my sometimes horrible spelling. I do not have to pretend to be able to make a descriptive sentence full of spelling bee adjectives. It’s just me and my thoughts in a quiet moment of reflection during a hectic day.
Don’t get me wrong, I do end up smearing the blog with some of the same things that fall on those pages. Consider that journal a rough draft of the blog. The point is, it makes me appreciate myself and the simple things in life. It helps me to calm down and breathe.
I’ve never been good at keeping a journal going for long periods of time and I don’t expect to start now. I’ve done them on and off for years both electronically and via paper. I challenge you to spend a week chronicling your thoughts for just yourself though. Not on a blog, not with the intent of it to be read but just for you and then go back and read it at the end of the week.
Are you a person you would want to be around? What would you say to yourself if you read those words on a blog?
Some psychiatrists say that talking to yourself means you’re crazy. I say if you don’t even like talking to yourself, then how can you expect someone else to?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Gossip Ladder
I had an interview this morning for a job that has become available in my company. I’m unsure whether I want the job but it never hurts to interview and find out more information on it since it is potentially a pay raise. Unfortunately, I don’t need the added stress at this time on top of the family/pregnancy issues but I’m managing. I hope the added stress does not adversely affect my pregnancy because that is the most important thing in my life right now. I don’t need any more complications in that department.
What I find humorous is how much of a gossip mill this place is. I do not work with the women up in the offices. I work with the men out in the plant in a dirty non luxurious office so I do not get in on the interoffice politics and gossip. However, today, since my interview was in the main offices, I was let in on some of the gossip. There is an intern who has applied for the job as well. Apparently she doesn’t like the competition and the back stabbing and gossiping has begun because it was obvious what I was there for. I had no sooner sat down at my desk after the interview before the receptionist had called to inform me of what was being said that I had “looked at her crossly and she had glared back at me.” W.T.F. She hasn’t even finished her college degree. I noticed she was dressed up when I walked by her but that was about it.
I find it laughable because A) If she’s my only competition (which she’s not, there are candidates from other facilities in both the US and Canada), she doesn’t stand a chance in hell. I have far superior qualifications and a superb resume not to mention a decade on her in age. B) I am not intimidated by her at all and actually feel rather sorry for her from the few opportunities I’ve had to deal with her C) her ego and self-inflated worth is hysterical.
It’s definitely making me reconsider the job even more since I would have to move to that office environment should I accept the job. I’ve always worked with men, now I remember why. If these people only knew how petty that is to me, and that I have far more important things on my plate that surpass this by a mile, they would be ashamed of themselves.
It begs the question as to why human nature, especially in women, is so petty. That whole “high school” mentality never really goes away for a large majority of the population. Its nature to be competitive and many people pull themselves ahead by trying to demean or cause emotional harm etc. to others. I can’t even say that I’m not guilty as I definitely am. I demean stupidity. Stupidity is one of my pet peeves. It’s not a pretty trait in me. I have also acted in a group mentality before. I admit it. The older I get and the more struggle in life I have, the less I do it and maybe that is the key is what life hands you and how your defense mechanisms react. So maybe its part genetics, part society and part experience. I just find it interesting the various forms it takes and in what circumstances.
On the matters of real importance, I’m nervous about having another blood draw this afternoon (okay more nervous about the results) and also excited to get it behind me. I have a good feeling that it will be positive outcome but the fear is there trying to creep in on me. I can’t help it. This constant waiting on information is driving me insane! You always think that the feeling of limbo will pass once pregnancy is achieved, but its just a different waiting period. I’m not sleeping, at all. I’m trying not to stress but that isn’t working. I’m exhausted. I’m going to try and clean my house tonight as the stress of a messy home is taking its toll; I just haven’t had the energy to do anything constructive about it.
What I find humorous is how much of a gossip mill this place is. I do not work with the women up in the offices. I work with the men out in the plant in a dirty non luxurious office so I do not get in on the interoffice politics and gossip. However, today, since my interview was in the main offices, I was let in on some of the gossip. There is an intern who has applied for the job as well. Apparently she doesn’t like the competition and the back stabbing and gossiping has begun because it was obvious what I was there for. I had no sooner sat down at my desk after the interview before the receptionist had called to inform me of what was being said that I had “looked at her crossly and she had glared back at me.” W.T.F. She hasn’t even finished her college degree. I noticed she was dressed up when I walked by her but that was about it.
I find it laughable because A) If she’s my only competition (which she’s not, there are candidates from other facilities in both the US and Canada), she doesn’t stand a chance in hell. I have far superior qualifications and a superb resume not to mention a decade on her in age. B) I am not intimidated by her at all and actually feel rather sorry for her from the few opportunities I’ve had to deal with her C) her ego and self-inflated worth is hysterical.
It’s definitely making me reconsider the job even more since I would have to move to that office environment should I accept the job. I’ve always worked with men, now I remember why. If these people only knew how petty that is to me, and that I have far more important things on my plate that surpass this by a mile, they would be ashamed of themselves.
It begs the question as to why human nature, especially in women, is so petty. That whole “high school” mentality never really goes away for a large majority of the population. Its nature to be competitive and many people pull themselves ahead by trying to demean or cause emotional harm etc. to others. I can’t even say that I’m not guilty as I definitely am. I demean stupidity. Stupidity is one of my pet peeves. It’s not a pretty trait in me. I have also acted in a group mentality before. I admit it. The older I get and the more struggle in life I have, the less I do it and maybe that is the key is what life hands you and how your defense mechanisms react. So maybe its part genetics, part society and part experience. I just find it interesting the various forms it takes and in what circumstances.
On the matters of real importance, I’m nervous about having another blood draw this afternoon (okay more nervous about the results) and also excited to get it behind me. I have a good feeling that it will be positive outcome but the fear is there trying to creep in on me. I can’t help it. This constant waiting on information is driving me insane! You always think that the feeling of limbo will pass once pregnancy is achieved, but its just a different waiting period. I’m not sleeping, at all. I’m trying not to stress but that isn’t working. I’m exhausted. I’m going to try and clean my house tonight as the stress of a messy home is taking its toll; I just haven’t had the energy to do anything constructive about it.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday Series: The Impossible
I know many of you are not very religious or have varying religions. That’s Okay. I am not here to preach to you. I have long questioned my faith and my faith has been tested and found lacking during my struggles. I’ve had run ins with the hypocrisy and politics of the Southern Baptist church and run screaming from overzealous churches where people jumped up in the aisle’s and went into trance like states. I have explored Wicca and other pagan religions and even married a practicing Druid (who has a Mormon upbringing and an Anglican minister for a father that also holds a master’s in psychology- it’s a wonder he’s even sane much less confused). I am NOT one to preach to anyone. However, I have come back to faith, not religion. I’m being a more faithful person and have found a non-denominational church that really speaks to me. Some lessons speak to me more than others and I want to share those portions of certain sermons that may speak to you or help you through this time. If you want to steer clear of those particular posts, have no fear, I will try and remember to label them Sunday Series so you have the choice.
The current series of sermons is referencing movies and how they can illustrate what the bible tells us. This past weekend’s movie was Alice In Wonderland (they showed clips from the Johnny Dep version. Seriously, who can NOT get on board with going to church when you get to see Johnny splashed up on three jumbo screens! YUMMY –Sorry God).
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe the impossible.” Charles Kingsley
That is my motto for the week because it really jumped out at me and I definitely need the impossible right now. Struggling with infertility and loss, things that are joyous and lighthearted for some, are scary and apprehensive for me, even though I want it really badly. Getting pregnant again is scary. I’m afraid of losing it. I’m afraid of complications. I’m afraid of not being a good mother.
After yesterday’s Dr.’s appointment, I’m afraid its ectopic and I will have to have surgery. My Dr., bless his heart, did wait on my lab results last night and called me at 8pm to let me know the hormone levels look good for a normal pregnancy so he feels the risk is smaller than before. He also studied my screen shots and feels there is a very good chance the fluid is from my cysts collapsing in on themselves, leaking the fluid out. He does not want to take chances though and ordered more blood work for Wednesday (a fourth beta draw) and an ultrasound for Monday. His hope is that Wednesday’s draw will show another progressive doubling which will trend for my levels being over 3000 by Monday which should give them a view of a sac (hopefully in the right spot!). Once they establish the sac is indeed within the uterus, they will no longer worry about ectopic and just monitor me for progression/miscarriage.
I feel like I have to conquer the impossible: remaining calm, keeping faith, believing my child is okay and everything will be fine, continuing to live daily with the unknown. To an infertile, the impossible is achieving that precious baby in our arms and remaining sane and strong through the process. BELIEVING we will achieve the impossible so that we actually can. That’s a large order. So for this week, BELIEVE the IMPOSSIBLE with me!
“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.” ~Luke 18:26-27
I have no control over what happens inside my body now. The fate of me and my child is in the hands of God. “I am the master of my faith, the captain of my soul” ~Nelson Mandella from the Movie Invictus. I have to believe in my faith and have faith that the impossible will come to pass.
It’s a struggle. I am struggling with this task but I’m moving forward and believing. I want this child and I’m not giving up.
The current series of sermons is referencing movies and how they can illustrate what the bible tells us. This past weekend’s movie was Alice In Wonderland (they showed clips from the Johnny Dep version. Seriously, who can NOT get on board with going to church when you get to see Johnny splashed up on three jumbo screens! YUMMY –Sorry God).
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe the impossible.” Charles Kingsley
That is my motto for the week because it really jumped out at me and I definitely need the impossible right now. Struggling with infertility and loss, things that are joyous and lighthearted for some, are scary and apprehensive for me, even though I want it really badly. Getting pregnant again is scary. I’m afraid of losing it. I’m afraid of complications. I’m afraid of not being a good mother.
After yesterday’s Dr.’s appointment, I’m afraid its ectopic and I will have to have surgery. My Dr., bless his heart, did wait on my lab results last night and called me at 8pm to let me know the hormone levels look good for a normal pregnancy so he feels the risk is smaller than before. He also studied my screen shots and feels there is a very good chance the fluid is from my cysts collapsing in on themselves, leaking the fluid out. He does not want to take chances though and ordered more blood work for Wednesday (a fourth beta draw) and an ultrasound for Monday. His hope is that Wednesday’s draw will show another progressive doubling which will trend for my levels being over 3000 by Monday which should give them a view of a sac (hopefully in the right spot!). Once they establish the sac is indeed within the uterus, they will no longer worry about ectopic and just monitor me for progression/miscarriage.
I feel like I have to conquer the impossible: remaining calm, keeping faith, believing my child is okay and everything will be fine, continuing to live daily with the unknown. To an infertile, the impossible is achieving that precious baby in our arms and remaining sane and strong through the process. BELIEVING we will achieve the impossible so that we actually can. That’s a large order. So for this week, BELIEVE the IMPOSSIBLE with me!
“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.” ~Luke 18:26-27
I have no control over what happens inside my body now. The fate of me and my child is in the hands of God. “I am the master of my faith, the captain of my soul” ~Nelson Mandella from the Movie Invictus. I have to believe in my faith and have faith that the impossible will come to pass.
It’s a struggle. I am struggling with this task but I’m moving forward and believing. I want this child and I’m not giving up.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Not my happy ending to the day
to make a long story short, there is about three times more fluid in my ute than a few weeks ago after the cyst rupture. They couldn't even see my left ovary for some reason tonight...they took a million sonogram pictures of the right one which had all the cysts last time.
Given the hormone levels and the fluid etc. he is worried about an ectopic. He did another Blood draw today and said he was going to try and wait on the results tonight and would call me. If the beta's have not doubled again and/or the progesterone levels have dropped or not risen then I have to come in on Wednesday for another draw and ultrasound.
As is, I already have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday. He wants to see/find the baby as soon as possible so if it is ectopic they can get me in to surgery immediately. He told me not to lose hope. The lining had thickened up, the betas were good so far so there is a possibility its fine and I just had some smaller cysts rupture and leaking fluid but they need to keep an eye on it.
I just don't even know what to feel right now. I'm really hoping he calls with good numbers tonight but I don't see how since the blood wasn't even drawn till 5:30pm.
Thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated.
Given the hormone levels and the fluid etc. he is worried about an ectopic. He did another Blood draw today and said he was going to try and wait on the results tonight and would call me. If the beta's have not doubled again and/or the progesterone levels have dropped or not risen then I have to come in on Wednesday for another draw and ultrasound.
As is, I already have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday. He wants to see/find the baby as soon as possible so if it is ectopic they can get me in to surgery immediately. He told me not to lose hope. The lining had thickened up, the betas were good so far so there is a possibility its fine and I just had some smaller cysts rupture and leaking fluid but they need to keep an eye on it.
I just don't even know what to feel right now. I'm really hoping he calls with good numbers tonight but I don't see how since the blood wasn't even drawn till 5:30pm.
Thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated.
Menu Monday
I’m pretty sure I’m going into this week with no idea what to have for dinner. I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants and my poor grocery budget is suffering for it despite the little bit I’m getting from the garden right now.
This has been a very weird and hectic past week despite my best efforts of maintaining control and routine. I will definitely have to scrounge as I won’t be letting myself go to the grocery store till the weekend. So based on what I can think of that is lurking around my fridge and pantry, my menu will probably look something like this:
Turkey Meatloaf, brown rice and green bean casserole
Chicken noodles soup
Turkey Bacon, eggs and toast
Grilled burgers with coleslaw
Fried cabbage, Perogies and brats (for him)
Okay, okay, so my menu really isn’t that bad. I suppose its lucky that I have quite a bit lurking around huh? I’ll throw in some fried okra somewhere and maybe even some squash fritters or zucchini bread.
I also need to make a peach and blueberry pie but I don’t have any flour or a store bought crust so that may be a problem.
I have an entire bushel of peaches to deal with and 3 pints of blueberries. I’m going to freeze at least 2. I still haven’t canned beets or made pickles. They are claiming we will have a few evenings of rain this week. I’m hoping I will get something done finally.
I did get the corn taken care of and I have a lovely bucket full of butternut squash and winter squash (which keeps for quite sometime so I don’t have to hurry on that.
This has been a very weird and hectic past week despite my best efforts of maintaining control and routine. I will definitely have to scrounge as I won’t be letting myself go to the grocery store till the weekend. So based on what I can think of that is lurking around my fridge and pantry, my menu will probably look something like this:
Turkey Meatloaf, brown rice and green bean casserole
Chicken noodles soup
Turkey Bacon, eggs and toast
Grilled burgers with coleslaw
Fried cabbage, Perogies and brats (for him)
Okay, okay, so my menu really isn’t that bad. I suppose its lucky that I have quite a bit lurking around huh? I’ll throw in some fried okra somewhere and maybe even some squash fritters or zucchini bread.
I also need to make a peach and blueberry pie but I don’t have any flour or a store bought crust so that may be a problem.
I have an entire bushel of peaches to deal with and 3 pints of blueberries. I’m going to freeze at least 2. I still haven’t canned beets or made pickles. They are claiming we will have a few evenings of rain this week. I’m hoping I will get something done finally.
I did get the corn taken care of and I have a lovely bucket full of butternut squash and winter squash (which keeps for quite sometime so I don’t have to hurry on that.
The Last McFatty Monday till 2011
This will probably be my last McFatty Monday update. Last week, we achieved pregnancy and I’m very ecstatic. Fearful but ecstatic. We got our first beta numbers in. At 14dpo- 155 with a progesterone level of 50.2. At 16dpo=320 with a progesterone level of 52.
My first OB appointment is this afternoon. While I will continue to follow everyone’s weightloss journeys, trying to exercise regularly and eat well, I will not be focused on LOSING weight during pregnancy of course so I will just be monitoring my weight gain (or hopefully lack thereof for awhile) during weekly pregnancy updates.
This is going to be quite difficult as I’ve been a starvin’ marvin for the past week. It’s quite bizarre. Even before I knew I was pregnant I was suddenly getting hungry (to the point of stomach twisting, almost gagging because I was so hungry) every few hours. It’s continued for a week. The odd thing was, I was losing weight. By Friday I had dropped four pounds (from Monday). Today I am back up three so it must have been a fluke caused by nerves or something (or else that steak I had this weekend packed on the pounds!)…oh wait….scratch that…steak and ICECREAM. I forgot I had a Bruster’s brownie sundae yesterday. (on top of homemade creamed corn over a buttermilk biscuit). Okay…OKAY..so I was a pig this weekend but it was so good. I would like to see the person that turns down southern creamed corn and fluffy biscuits OR a brownie sundae after a day of swimming in the insane heat and sun. I’ll be extra cautious this week.
Anyway, I’m very thankful that I participated in this and dropped the weight I did and look forward to participating again after a healthy baby is born. Fingers crossed! I wish lots of luck and love to all my girls who are still on the weight loss journey. Do not give up. I predict you will all be skinny minis by the time I’m a hugely pregnant woman begging to give birth soon so that I can see my feet once more.
My first OB appointment is this afternoon. While I will continue to follow everyone’s weightloss journeys, trying to exercise regularly and eat well, I will not be focused on LOSING weight during pregnancy of course so I will just be monitoring my weight gain (or hopefully lack thereof for awhile) during weekly pregnancy updates.
This is going to be quite difficult as I’ve been a starvin’ marvin for the past week. It’s quite bizarre. Even before I knew I was pregnant I was suddenly getting hungry (to the point of stomach twisting, almost gagging because I was so hungry) every few hours. It’s continued for a week. The odd thing was, I was losing weight. By Friday I had dropped four pounds (from Monday). Today I am back up three so it must have been a fluke caused by nerves or something (or else that steak I had this weekend packed on the pounds!)…oh wait….scratch that…steak and ICECREAM. I forgot I had a Bruster’s brownie sundae yesterday. (on top of homemade creamed corn over a buttermilk biscuit). Okay…OKAY..so I was a pig this weekend but it was so good. I would like to see the person that turns down southern creamed corn and fluffy biscuits OR a brownie sundae after a day of swimming in the insane heat and sun. I’ll be extra cautious this week.
Anyway, I’m very thankful that I participated in this and dropped the weight I did and look forward to participating again after a healthy baby is born. Fingers crossed! I wish lots of luck and love to all my girls who are still on the weight loss journey. Do not give up. I predict you will all be skinny minis by the time I’m a hugely pregnant woman begging to give birth soon so that I can see my feet once more.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
QUIT TEMPING PEOPLE
and remind me of that. I kept temping this weekend...and now I'm freaking out because the past two days my temp has steadily dropped. It's not supposed to do that during pregnancy right?
I know your temp can't continue to rise for 9 months, but does it settle back down once pregnancy is established or should it have stayed around the higher temp? I don't remember reading anything in the books about that when I was learning to chart?
I'll try and do some research later. Hopefully my lab reports I get back this afternoon will reassure me with great beta and progesterone numbers. Tomorrow's dr. appt seems a long way away!
That lurking fear is starting to get a foothold today.
I know your temp can't continue to rise for 9 months, but does it settle back down once pregnancy is established or should it have stayed around the higher temp? I don't remember reading anything in the books about that when I was learning to chart?
I'll try and do some research later. Hopefully my lab reports I get back this afternoon will reassure me with great beta and progesterone numbers. Tomorrow's dr. appt seems a long way away!
That lurking fear is starting to get a foothold today.
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