Sunday Series: The Impossible

I know many of you are not very religious or have varying religions. That’s Okay. I am not here to preach to you. I have long questioned my faith and my faith has been tested and found lacking during my struggles. I’ve had run ins with the hypocrisy and politics of the Southern Baptist church and run screaming from overzealous churches where people jumped up in the aisle’s and went into trance like states. I have explored Wicca and other pagan religions and even married a practicing Druid (who has a Mormon upbringing and an Anglican minister for a father that also holds a master’s in psychology- it’s a wonder he’s even sane much less confused). I am NOT one to preach to anyone. However, I have come back to faith, not religion. I’m being a more faithful person and have found a non-denominational church that really speaks to me. Some lessons speak to me more than others and I want to share those portions of certain sermons that may speak to you or help you through this time. If you want to steer clear of those particular posts, have no fear, I will try and remember to label them Sunday Series so you have the choice.

The current series of sermons is referencing movies and how they can illustrate what the bible tells us. This past weekend’s movie was Alice In Wonderland (they showed clips from the Johnny Dep version. Seriously, who can NOT get on board with going to church when you get to see Johnny splashed up on three jumbo screens! YUMMY –Sorry God).

“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe the impossible.” Charles Kingsley

That is my motto for the week because it really jumped out at me and I definitely need the impossible right now. Struggling with infertility and loss, things that are joyous and lighthearted for some, are scary and apprehensive for me, even though I want it really badly. Getting pregnant again is scary. I’m afraid of losing it. I’m afraid of complications. I’m afraid of not being a good mother.

After yesterday’s Dr.’s appointment, I’m afraid its ectopic and I will have to have surgery. My Dr., bless his heart, did wait on my lab results last night and called me at 8pm to let me know the hormone levels look good for a normal pregnancy so he feels the risk is smaller than before. He also studied my screen shots and feels there is a very good chance the fluid is from my cysts collapsing in on themselves, leaking the fluid out. He does not want to take chances though and ordered more blood work for Wednesday (a fourth beta draw) and an ultrasound for Monday. His hope is that Wednesday’s draw will show another progressive doubling which will trend for my levels being over 3000 by Monday which should give them a view of a sac (hopefully in the right spot!). Once they establish the sac is indeed within the uterus, they will no longer worry about ectopic and just monitor me for progression/miscarriage.

I feel like I have to conquer the impossible: remaining calm, keeping faith, believing my child is okay and everything will be fine, continuing to live daily with the unknown. To an infertile, the impossible is achieving that precious baby in our arms and remaining sane and strong through the process. BELIEVING we will achieve the impossible so that we actually can. That’s a large order. So for this week, BELIEVE the IMPOSSIBLE with me!

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.” ~Luke 18:26-27

I have no control over what happens inside my body now. The fate of me and my child is in the hands of God. “I am the master of my faith, the captain of my soul” ~Nelson Mandella from the Movie Invictus. I have to believe in my faith and have faith that the impossible will come to pass.

It’s a struggle. I am struggling with this task but I’m moving forward and believing. I want this child and I’m not giving up.

Not my happy ending to the day

to make a long story short, there is about three times more fluid in my ute than a few weeks ago after the cyst rupture. They couldn't even see my left ovary for some reason tonight...they took a million sonogram pictures of the right one which had all the cysts last time.

Given the hormone levels and the fluid etc. he is worried about an ectopic. He did another Blood draw today and said he was going to try and wait on the results tonight and would call me. If the beta's have not doubled again and/or the progesterone levels have dropped or not risen then I have to come in on Wednesday for another draw and ultrasound.

As is, I already have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday. He wants to see/find the baby as soon as possible so if it is ectopic they can get me in to surgery immediately. He told me not to lose hope. The lining had thickened up, the betas were good so far so there is a possibility its fine and I just had some smaller cysts rupture and leaking fluid but they need to keep an eye on it.

I just don't even know what to feel right now. I'm really hoping he calls with good numbers tonight but I don't see how since the blood wasn't even drawn till 5:30pm.

Thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated.

How to Ruin a Digital Pregnancy Test

I can’t help but think about the Pregnancy Test Commercial that states “1 in 4 women can misread a traditional pregnancy test.”

I’ve always laughed at this commercial. Now I’m laughing at myself. I did fine with the “traditional” tests but failed miserably at the digital. In my bleary eyed attempt at providing DH with a digital confirmation (as pink lines apparently are not good enough for him nor is a Dr. doing a urine test) at 6:30 am, I became a bit overzealous and peed on the stupid stick before turning it on. I quickly redid but never got a reading. It didn’t say NO, but it wouldn’t stay on. It just kept turning off! ::headdesk::

I refuse to purchase another. I can’t get “more” pregnant because it digitally says so, and we will hopefully have our Beta numbers back from the lab today.

Now that I’m over peeing on things, I need to quit temping. There’s no point, which is a good thing.

Peestick Paradise

I’m calm. I’m surprised I’m calm. I POAS again this morning. The line was much darker and showed up right away. I smiled this time. My heart fluttered. The CP was there in the back of my mind and a little part of me feared the line would begin to fade.

My DH claimed he can actually see it now and wants me to pee on the digital so he can see the word pregnant. I assured him I will do that tomorrow. I want to tell my mom. I don’t know how I’ll see her tomorrow night and not tell her!

I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to curl up in the bed with my DH and snuggle. I want to jump out of my skin. I wasn’t expecting excitement. Given circumstances and past experiences, I was expecting to feel reserved fear. Today I feel calm, peace and happiness.

I want to soak up every minute of this child. Every moment I may have. I’ve dutifully called the OB to set up Beta’s and progesterone check. My GP declared me not to take the antibiotics and just follow up with the OB to see what he will have me do. My GP actually returned my call yesterday personally and squealed in my ear. She was so excited.

I didn’t sleep last night. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I vary from being giddily happy to an almost Zen like calmness. (Maybe the lack of sleep). I don’t need answers from the Beta. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this baby is growing. But I will go through the motions to make sure I do everything possible to keep it that way and prepare myself for what may come.

I want to ramble. I’ve written this twice. I can’t keep my thoughts together. I’m overwhelmed.

First beta draw and progesterone check is today at 1pm. Next Draw is Saturday morning at 9am. OB appt Monday at 3:30pm. ::chews nails:: Why am I nervous? I know I’m pregnant. I have two sticks that tell me so!

I heart Pink Dye Pee sticks at the moment.

UMM...BFP...For reals?

Just when you think you have jumped through the ringer, the world is against you and life is sucktastic, you are thrown a curveball that completely turns your world upside down.

I’ve become one of those that read every scrap of information that comes with medications. I want to know what could go wrong, what to do, where it comes from etc. I overanalyze every symptom for the first few days on the new meds looking for reactions etc. I think this stems from the experiences I had with the allergy attack and the prednisone they put me on.

So of course, I read the antibiotic pamphlet from cover to cover and it stood out to me “Do Not Take While Pregnant, Consult with your Doctor.” Okay, no biggie. I had a cyst rupture; I have an infection and two negative pregnancy tests (Day 8 and 9). So before I started taking them, I decided that if my temperature was still hovering I would test with FMU. I dutifully took my temp and PIAC this a.m. I was a little surprised that my temperature had jumped upward rather than gone down, but that could be an infection sign. So I dipped a stick.

Immediately I noticed a faint shadow along with the glaring control line but that could be a trick of the light so I walked away. I came back with my coffee and stared. There, as clear as day, was a second line. It’s faint, but its there, without any squinting or straining. Not as light as my chemical pregnancy lines, but not as dark as my line with Bumblebee (though I didn’t test until day 18 or something which could explain that!)

I’m lost. I was setting myself up for a negative and got the opposite for once. I didn’t even get excited. I was like a zombie walking into the bedroom clutching my coffee like a life vest and looked at my husband and said “Well, we’re pregnant,” in a dull voice and eyes that would rival Bambi’s in oncoming traffic. Bless his heart, he responded with “uh, okay.” We just stared at each other shell shocked as if a bomb had gone off and half our house was missing.

I immediately started taking pictures with my cell phone to get confirmation of my eyesight from some very trusted BOTB friends (though I didn’t send it because my west coast gals would yell at me for waking them up at 3:30 in the morning ::coughcoughishacoughcough::). DH asked me what I was doing and said “let’s not tell anyone until you have gone to the Dr.” I gnashed my teeth and glared at him and said “I’m not keeping this from my friends, they have been there for me through the last ones and its not fair to any of us to keep this to myself no matter how it turns out.” Which is probably not true but I know they would want to know and I cant’ keep this to myself. Now that EVERYONE knows our struggles and miscarriage, I promised I would not keep pregnancies from my close friends and family. We did that with bumblebee because we wanted to make sure things were good and do everything in person. The result was that my in-laws never knew until it was all over. They never got to experience any of the joy with us so it doesn’t feel real to them, like it does to my parents. I will not do that again. If we don’t make it to a baby, then we don’t. But I’m not keeping these precious lives to myself in fear. That feels worse than having to tell everyone I lost them, by not acknowledging them at all. They are real. They are part of me. They are mine, if only for a moment, a breath, a pink mark on a fading stick.

So for today, I am carrying life. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m freaking the fuck out. I’m calling the Dr. at lunch to find out what to do about the antibiotics and possibly get a beta. I have an already established appointment with my OB on Monday so I’m not going to call them since that’s only a few days away. (My OB is a 45 minute drive from work where as my GP is less than 10 and on my way home).

If it wouldn’t be too much to ask, could you pray for me and my baby? I would greatly appreciate it.

Ultimate disappointment

It wasn't even three days ago I laughed at a commercial that said "1 in 4 women can mis-read a pregnancy test". Apparently, everyone I know, including myself can misread a pregnancy test.

I admit it. I took two last night. The uber cheap store brand pink dye tests. There was no mistaking a faint plus sign. We both saw it. I took pictures and texted it to several of my BOTB girls for second (third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc.) opinions. They all saw it. Around me, there was giddyness and celebration while I tried to maintain some composure. My heart was leaping, I could hardly breathe. My head was still saying "PROCEED WITH CAUTION!"

I hardly slept. About two hours in, I got up and collected my pee and took my temp. My temp had fallen below the cover line and I cried. Then I realized I had not even been asleep for two hours or so. When I got up like normal this morning, my temp was 97.9 so I poured out the other pee and peed again.

I was on the way out the door but discovered my sick old dog had exploded her bowels all over my livingroom carpet. She hasn't used the bathroom in the house in over 12 years. She's a very sick girl. I spent the next two hours gagging and cleaning up poop and steam cleaning my carpets with Resolve. I still have work to do but for now, my carpet has to dry.

So I took a shower and raced to Walgreens. I got not only a digital but a regular pink dye FRER. I used the FMU and got a big FAT NEGATIVE with the digital. My heart fell to the floor and I thought I was going to stop breathing. I did the pink dye. Negative though I swear I could see a faint shadow of a line.

But you know what? A line isn't always a line. Sometimes its just a shadow. I'm like 18 dpo. There is no way a digital could not detect HSG in FMU at 18 dpo. I am not pregnant. And I just wasted $45.00 on what I knew to be true yesterday.

The lesson here, is do not buy cheap tests. Do not look at shadows and do not get excited until you see a fucking ultrasound. Listen to your gut. When you know what your body does, believe your instinct, not the little hopeful voices that say "there is always a first time for everything." No. Not in the world of my broken uterus.

Excuse me while I go back to cleaning up the dog shit that is both literally and metaphorically my life today.

BETA Draw #2

I got the results for my second Beta Draw. The first one was 48 hours before (exactly) at 149. The second was.......427!It pretty much TRIPLED in 48 hours.

Yep. I'm pregnant. I'm WAY KTFU! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Appointments

1st Beta Draw at 8:30am tomorrow!! Hopefully DH will find this proof enough that we are indeed pregnant.

1st ultrasound and appt: September 21st.

Because I'm neurotic

I took my temp again this morning: 97.7

I took the other HPT with FMU: still pregnant.

I didn't sleep last night. Every twinge or cramp, I panicked. My back is killing me and I didn't have tylenol but I didn't want to put one more IBprofen in my body so that made for a very uncomfortable night.

I am however eating my chef salad leftovers for lunch today with the deli meat on it. LOL

Crap. I have to go re-read everything because it has been so long of trying that I think I've forgotten EVERYTHING.

My main concern today: Call Dr. and make appt. Pick up Metformin prescription and tylenol.

HOLY EFFIN SHIT

I'm HAVING A BABY!!!!

B FUCKING P. After 2 years 6 months, 4 cycles of Clomid plus 2 cycles of Metformin, I got a BFP!

Right ovary, how I love thee.

So, apparently feeling like you were beat with a baseball bat IS a sign of pregnancy!

Holy shit, I'm pregnant.

May the panic begin!