Negative

Up at 7 am with a bad feeling. My temperature dropped back down to just above the cover line. I tested anyway. Negative..clear as day.

It's weird though because the one thing that stuck in my head is my CP. I was so unsure about those faint lines. I didn't want to believe them and I stressed over them for 48 hours. I NEVER felt the joy, the excitement. That' makes me sad because even though it didn't stick, I feel that was my last chance to feel such true joyful hope. Would it have hurt more when it went away? maybe, but looking back, I didn't even thank my body for trying. Now, negative after negative I feel the despair creep in that I'll never get that leap of excitement back, even for a moment. That's depressing me.

But I'll keep plugging on searching for it. Like that elusive lottery winning ticket. I'll keep playing the odds every month (no, I don't actually PLAY the lottery...LOL)and trying for the jackpot. Monday, I will call the Dr. and see what we do from here. I found out last night that my husbands company is dropping our insurance. They are looking for another provider that is cheaper but we have till the end of June. The insurance through my company SHOULD start in a few weeks so hopefully we don't have to worry about it but MAYBE it wasn't meant to be this month so that we didn't get screwed with a preexisting condition...though many insurance companies stipulate you have to have the service for a year before they cover maternity so we may be screwed anyway. I just have a really bad feeling all the way around right now.

It's a black cloud hanging over my head and squeezing my heart. I have no choice but to just keep going. If I stop, I wallow and where would that get me? Nowhere, so I have to find joy in the other areas of my life and just ignore the pain for now.

I've already finished the laundry and dishes this morning. I need to jump in the shower and hit the Farmer's Market before the Dachshund Festival. Hopefully we don't get rained out. It's pretty gray today. This afternoon will be filled with pounding in fence posts and stringing beans and weeding...that will definately work off frustration and give me a nice sore body so I can feel alive. I've got about 50 steel posts to pound into the ground by hand.....that's plenty of soreness and feeling alive for the lot of us....don't you think? Yea, so maybe I'm just sadistic enough to punish my body...sue me.

All my love ladies. Thank you for thinking of me and sending good vibes. Maybe next time.

POAS 2010 is Over

I'm calling it this morning. BFN. I swear there was a trace of brown blood in my urine this morning but I tested anyway with the pink dye FRER. Nothing to interpret. Negative. Couple all that with the drop in temp and its over.

I honestly do not know what happened. There is no denying THREE faint positive tests, a thermal shift or the insanely long LP that should have resulted in a pregnancy. I don't know if you could call this a CP without a Dr.'s confirmation and I don't know if I want to know.

When I throw these peesticks away, I will also be throwing away our last dreams of a 2010 baby.

The best I can hope for this morning is to go to church and pray that god gives me peace with this, because right now, I'm not okay with it.

Ultimate disappointment

It wasn't even three days ago I laughed at a commercial that said "1 in 4 women can mis-read a pregnancy test". Apparently, everyone I know, including myself can misread a pregnancy test.

I admit it. I took two last night. The uber cheap store brand pink dye tests. There was no mistaking a faint plus sign. We both saw it. I took pictures and texted it to several of my BOTB girls for second (third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc.) opinions. They all saw it. Around me, there was giddyness and celebration while I tried to maintain some composure. My heart was leaping, I could hardly breathe. My head was still saying "PROCEED WITH CAUTION!"

I hardly slept. About two hours in, I got up and collected my pee and took my temp. My temp had fallen below the cover line and I cried. Then I realized I had not even been asleep for two hours or so. When I got up like normal this morning, my temp was 97.9 so I poured out the other pee and peed again.

I was on the way out the door but discovered my sick old dog had exploded her bowels all over my livingroom carpet. She hasn't used the bathroom in the house in over 12 years. She's a very sick girl. I spent the next two hours gagging and cleaning up poop and steam cleaning my carpets with Resolve. I still have work to do but for now, my carpet has to dry.

So I took a shower and raced to Walgreens. I got not only a digital but a regular pink dye FRER. I used the FMU and got a big FAT NEGATIVE with the digital. My heart fell to the floor and I thought I was going to stop breathing. I did the pink dye. Negative though I swear I could see a faint shadow of a line.

But you know what? A line isn't always a line. Sometimes its just a shadow. I'm like 18 dpo. There is no way a digital could not detect HSG in FMU at 18 dpo. I am not pregnant. And I just wasted $45.00 on what I knew to be true yesterday.

The lesson here, is do not buy cheap tests. Do not look at shadows and do not get excited until you see a fucking ultrasound. Listen to your gut. When you know what your body does, believe your instinct, not the little hopeful voices that say "there is always a first time for everything." No. Not in the world of my broken uterus.

Excuse me while I go back to cleaning up the dog shit that is both literally and metaphorically my life today.

Official BFN

I couldn't sleep this morning, I'm not sure why. I just had a wierd feeling. Hope had sprung anew. Today was the day AF would show her dirtywhore face which means today would be my temperature drop. I knew if my temperature did not plummet I was digging out that HPT and testing. I was excited. I took my temp. It dropped from yesterday but was still high and right in line with the rest of my temps for the past week. So I took the HPT. I turned it this way and that, nothing, nada, zip. It might as well had a big glaring Neon sign that said "LOSER" or "No Chance in Hell, Bitch."

I plastered a groggy before coffee smile on my face, chuncked the little pink and white plastic bastard in the trash and trotted out of the bathroom to start my day. All of this time I have calmly known that I was not pregnant this month. I accepted it. I emotionally crashed and moved on. Somehow, I still set myself up at the last minute for utter failure and rejection by my own body. I'm pissed at myself for doing that to myself. I knew better. As I sat on the bed with the cat at my feet and my dog in my lap, watching the morning news, drinking my bitter half caff coffee with no sugar (as I am trying to make my body a habital environment for a fetus), I realized, WTF am I doing this to myself for? Is my life so bad without children? DH asked me what was wrong but I told him nothing.

Nothing is wrong, besides the same old shit that my body hates me, but we have established that and there is absolutely no point in discussing it at 6:30 a.m. when I have had very little coffee. My life is not a bad life. There are things I need to do to improve it (pay off debt, downsize some of our obligations and responsibilities to alleviate stress) but its not a bad life. It just feels empty and as if we are not progressing. My future feels wrong, lonely and bleak if I try to imagine it without children.

I have not learned the art of patience very well. I've been forced into limbo by not succeeding but that doesn't mean I'm patient. That is definately a lesson I need to learn as my age creeps up and my life ticks by, its hard to learn patience.

I guess tonight will come the discussion with my husband on what we do from here and tomorrow will be the call to my Dr. to verify what our options are for the next cycle. Do we want to bother with Clomid again since my Right ovary has shown no signs of cooperation or give the Clomid a break and just do Metformin this month? Do we try Clomid again the next cycle or are we giving up for awhile. These are decisions I am faced with yet again but its not just my decision which is both comforting and bothersome. I don't have to blame myself solely for giving up if it is a joint decision but at the same time if I'm too tired to continue, I don't have the total say if DH wants to try One more month etc. This is ultimately the part I hate. The end of a cycle, decision time.

BFN

What a crappy start to my morning. I know its possibly too early..but that was an instantaneous BFN with no possibility of a faint line whatsoever. I can honestly say I'm upset about it.

I've had to take very few tests in the past year but each one of them was a let down even when I KNEW it was negative (like the one they make you take before you start progesterone from a long period).

Due to temps etc. and hope in general, this BFN was a punch to the gut. It fuckin sucks. I'll wait and see what happens temp wise etc. Fortunately, I have a Dr.'s appt in a week so I can verify through bloodwork everything and see whats going on. The last few days were long..this week is going to SUCKASS.