UMM...BFP...For reals?

Just when you think you have jumped through the ringer, the world is against you and life is sucktastic, you are thrown a curveball that completely turns your world upside down.

I’ve become one of those that read every scrap of information that comes with medications. I want to know what could go wrong, what to do, where it comes from etc. I overanalyze every symptom for the first few days on the new meds looking for reactions etc. I think this stems from the experiences I had with the allergy attack and the prednisone they put me on.

So of course, I read the antibiotic pamphlet from cover to cover and it stood out to me “Do Not Take While Pregnant, Consult with your Doctor.” Okay, no biggie. I had a cyst rupture; I have an infection and two negative pregnancy tests (Day 8 and 9). So before I started taking them, I decided that if my temperature was still hovering I would test with FMU. I dutifully took my temp and PIAC this a.m. I was a little surprised that my temperature had jumped upward rather than gone down, but that could be an infection sign. So I dipped a stick.

Immediately I noticed a faint shadow along with the glaring control line but that could be a trick of the light so I walked away. I came back with my coffee and stared. There, as clear as day, was a second line. It’s faint, but its there, without any squinting or straining. Not as light as my chemical pregnancy lines, but not as dark as my line with Bumblebee (though I didn’t test until day 18 or something which could explain that!)

I’m lost. I was setting myself up for a negative and got the opposite for once. I didn’t even get excited. I was like a zombie walking into the bedroom clutching my coffee like a life vest and looked at my husband and said “Well, we’re pregnant,” in a dull voice and eyes that would rival Bambi’s in oncoming traffic. Bless his heart, he responded with “uh, okay.” We just stared at each other shell shocked as if a bomb had gone off and half our house was missing.

I immediately started taking pictures with my cell phone to get confirmation of my eyesight from some very trusted BOTB friends (though I didn’t send it because my west coast gals would yell at me for waking them up at 3:30 in the morning ::coughcoughishacoughcough::). DH asked me what I was doing and said “let’s not tell anyone until you have gone to the Dr.” I gnashed my teeth and glared at him and said “I’m not keeping this from my friends, they have been there for me through the last ones and its not fair to any of us to keep this to myself no matter how it turns out.” Which is probably not true but I know they would want to know and I cant’ keep this to myself. Now that EVERYONE knows our struggles and miscarriage, I promised I would not keep pregnancies from my close friends and family. We did that with bumblebee because we wanted to make sure things were good and do everything in person. The result was that my in-laws never knew until it was all over. They never got to experience any of the joy with us so it doesn’t feel real to them, like it does to my parents. I will not do that again. If we don’t make it to a baby, then we don’t. But I’m not keeping these precious lives to myself in fear. That feels worse than having to tell everyone I lost them, by not acknowledging them at all. They are real. They are part of me. They are mine, if only for a moment, a breath, a pink mark on a fading stick.

So for today, I am carrying life. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m freaking the fuck out. I’m calling the Dr. at lunch to find out what to do about the antibiotics and possibly get a beta. I have an already established appointment with my OB on Monday so I’m not going to call them since that’s only a few days away. (My OB is a 45 minute drive from work where as my GP is less than 10 and on my way home).

If it wouldn’t be too much to ask, could you pray for me and my baby? I would greatly appreciate it.