Hello, My name is Demeter

I'm not quite sure which is harder? The mornings or the nights or the time in between. Yesterday was rough for me. No particular reason. I felt stress because I was way behind at work for missing those three days. I felt pressure from a client to find her a house meeting severe restrictions (price, location, land quantity) because she wants it under contract ASAP to get the tax credit. All of this work drowning me as I just try to make it through one more day. One day closer to the "physical event." One more day experiencing increasing physical pain that is unexplained. Possibly miscarry but no blood yet.

Hours go by, where I'm normal and functioning and living. I make plans, I look toward the holidays and being with people. Then something happens. A reminder, a picture, a commercial, a kind word sent from a friend to let me know they are thinking of me. And I lose it. The tears come and I become motionless and my mind goes to so many places and I have to WORK to get myself under control.

I go to bed early at night because I'm physically exhausted after fighting myself inside all day. I wake up early in the morning and the house is quiet and I'm alone. Alone with my thoughts and my fully caffienated coffee, the wind howling at the door sending the leaves raining down upon my world. Winter is coming.

Greek mythology tells us that the seasons were developed due to the abduction of Demeter's daughter Persephone by Hades. He whisked the fair maiden off to the underworld and in Demeter's grief the world died as she was the embodiment of mother nature. When Demeter grieved over her child, the world literally grieved with her.When Persephone was returned to her by decree of Zues, the world bloomed again and became living, but Persephone had been tricked by Hades to eat the food of the underworld dooming her to spend a season each year there for eternity and so she had to split her time among the living and the dead. When Persephone came to be with her mother every year, the world begin to live thus Spring and Summer as Demeter became happy. When Persephone went to spend time in her forced imprisonment, Demeter became sad thus we have Fall and Winter.

I am reminded of this story as I sit here and the leaves fall with my tears. Soon the trees will be bare, the air will be cold, there will be no color in the world but the bright lights of christmas as joyful music fills the air and I will go on living and celebrating and loving but I will never forget these moments. These moments of crumbling color and sadness. The feel of the wind whisking away my tears. Like the season, the month, the year, this too shall pass. This will be yet another memory, another story, I share in my life. Time is fleeting, pain eases, but memories return like the seasons as the world keeps spinning.