Hurricane Season-HLB

For some reason, we apparently have a bug fetish in our house (which is pretty odd considering I despise insects). When we found out we were pregnant this time, DH and I started dreaming about STUFF again. Surprisingly we were drawn to all the ladybug bedding. We looked at boy stuff but every time either of us came across a ladybug pattern we immediately became all soft and gooey. (and we had always planned to do a girl’s nursery in fairies!)

After our sonogram that found the sac in the right place, my mother (who knew nothing of our ladybug fetish) said the sonogram looked like a ladybug. So I started with the nickname Ladybug (even though I feel bad if it turns out to be a boy sticking him with a ladybug nickname in the womb. LOL). DH’s Dad called after seeing the sonogram and said it looked like a Hurricane…which it does.

Thus HLB (Hurricane Ladybug) came into existence. I consider it kind of fitting that DH and I are taking a short vacation (if you can call visiting the in-laws a vacation) to the coast with two hurricanes coming in this weekend! It’s been well over a year and a half since we have been anywhere. Of COURSE, hurricanes have to threaten the coast EXACTLY where we are headed. Fortunately, the first one should hit Thursday night/Friday morning if it comes ashore at all and we won’t be down there till Friday evening. The second one is not predicted to be very strong but may come in Sunday night/Monday. Due to our high pressure systems, they are predicting they will hook out into the ocean like Hurricane Danielle did but Earl (what a redneck hurricane name) may graze us.

We are keeping an eye on them. We would never put our baby in harms way even if we are both accustomed to hurricanes having been through a few ourselves. I just find it completely ironic that we are heading into them with another little hurricane in tow!

I am planning to do very little except sofa surf. DH has several home repair projects to complete for his parents but I’m taking a good book, a bathing suit and my cuddly dogs. I plan on sitting on the beach, visiting my nephews and seeing my SIL’s new house. That’s about it.

What are your plans for the upcoming Labor Day weekend (or regular weekend for you Canadians!)?

Menu Monday

I was a complete slackass this week. Let's just get that out of the way. I officially have carrots, butternut squash and spaghetti squash rotting in boxes in my kitchen floor because I was too tired to get to any of this week. I didn't swim, I didn't even pick my own garden. This weekend was insane: birthday parties, bridal showers, girl's luncheon and the list goes on. This coming week? yea, its pretty busy too, to the point, I'm eating out of the freezer just to avoid taking the time to go to the store.

This week:
Beef tips and gravy over biscuits with a side of broccoli and cheese (don't fool yourself, its straight up SCHWANN's all the way. I'm only making the biscuits).

Chicken Enchiladas (again Schwann's)

Baked Spaghetti (okay, this one is me)

Chicken salad sammies.

Whiney Poor Pitiful Me Monday

I’m hoping it’s just the Monday blues but I’m back to being a doubting Debbie. I woke up this morning with full intention of having a good day. I dressed the part, took time to curl my hair and ran out the door only a few minutes behind schedule. Then nothing.

My car wouldn’t start. No clicking, no groaning, nothing. Silence. Completely dead. So I saw one neighbor’s car still there, and I trotted across the just cut dewey grass to knock on their door. They didn’t answer. Their dog didn’t even bark so I have no idea where they were. I do know, I was now, not getting to work, my sandals and feet were caked in wet cut grass, my pants were wet and I had ripped my hem.

I finally got hold of my husband who graciously said I’ll be home in 10 to jump it, so there I sat dejected on the front porch steps waiting while the humidity made my hair frizz and sweat started rolling down my face. TWENTY-FIVE minutes later he rolled in. He was loading his work truck for the day to go out on a job site and so he finished and just drove the work truck by the house on his way so it wouldn’t delay him any. I can’t blame him for that, I would have done the same thing in his situation.

My car fired right up as soon as he connected them. So off I went to Auto Zone for a new battery. I wasn’t even that upset with my car. It’s a good car. That battery has lasted for 8 years and the car had warned me on occasion with the battery light showing that it was getting time to get a new one. Seriously, 8 years and 85,000 miles later, I need a new battery. Big whoop. It was just inconvenient to have to do it first thing on a Monday morning and be an hour late to work!

I did make it though. Wet grassy shoes, ripped hem, frizzy hair and all. Whew. Maybe the worst of today is over. Well, no. Then I get to check my bank account and realize thanks to a $100.00 battery that was not planned into the budget, a labor day weekend trip and eating out twice because of a hectic schedule that was not planned either, we are going to be short this pay period and have to dip slightly into savings rather than contributing to it.

Okay. So now I’m at work, with an achy upset stomach, my pants are not only ripped and wet but they are falling off my butt because my bloat went away. I’m feeling very discouraged and NOT pregnant. That fear is creeping in and its two weeks till my next appt. This week marks the week (in the timeline) that I found out we had miscarried. I never made it past this mark. So even though my baby had a heartbeat measuring past when we lost the other one, this is still a milestone for us. I won’t even know if we made it past the milestone for two more weeks!

My mom told me to call the Dr. but what am I supposed to say? “I know you are busy and trying to fit everything in before labor day but I would really like a sonogram because I don’t feel pregnant?...No I’ve had no pain, or bleeding but my cat’s not being as snuggly over the weekend and my m/s is practically non existent now.” Yea, that will go over well, I’m sure. I still have heartburn and gas. I’m still pretty exhausted though I’m getting bursts of energy where I clean like crazy. (During one of those yesterday, I did four loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, cooked dinner, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen.) I’m just back to “not feeling it.” I know, if it weren’t for morning sickness, I probably wouldn’t even know I was at this stage of the game. I’m thankful I haven’t gained weight (okay, two pounds) and the bloat is gone so my pants are back to falling off but I wish I could find some sign of pregnancy that would reassure me on days like today. Is that too much to ask for?

Solving the National Gas Shortage Crisis

America will not have a gas shortage in the next 7 months. How do I know this? Because I can guarantee my body can make up any differences in the gas department. The heartburn may be easing a tad bit, but the gas has bloomed in full force.

I lay awake most of the night last night with my stomach doing somersaults and passing some of the longest winded, loudly obnoxious gas of my life. I think the only thing that comes remotely close is the time DH ran me out of the bedroom after eating 6 bowls of chili. At one point, I scared the cat off the bed and woke DH up with it. I’m so glad after 6 years of being together we have moved beyond the point where I run into another room if I have to poot or burp.

It is insane ya’ll. I have to admit too, after yesterday, when my body flushed every bit of fluid out the exit (I lost two pounds in less than four hours yo), I feared sharting. I can’t believe I’m even saying that because proper Southern women don’t speak of such things, but let’s be real here. When you experience fluid release on short notice with a grumbling of stomach, the fear of pooting liquid becomes a very real and tangible thing. So half the night I was running to the bathroom to release gas into the toilet, just in case.

Needless to say, it was a very restless night. At one point, I contemplated getting up and cleaning the house but I was torn between being noisy and waking DH up and trying to get any sleep I could even if it meant washing the sheets in the a.m.

Please don’t think I’m complaining. I will gladly take sleepless gas filled nights, heartburn and nausea in exchange for a healthy baby. I am however, fascinated at all these changes my body is going through. New symptoms seem to crop up daily. Some I have experienced before and some are just a little bit “more” this time around.

For now though, I’m just happy to know that my baby will never leave me stranded as we can fill the tank with the never-ending supply of gas. I feel sorry for the poor bloke who walks behind me and tries to light a cigarette. It may have an atomic effect on NC.

I fought the spider, and the spider won.

I was terrorized in the bathroom today. Imagine, if you will, sitting there, minding my business, innocently browsing the internet on my phone while my stomach performed acrobatic feats of amazement. When suddenly, under the stall door scuttled the biggest spider I’ve seen in quite some time. As big as my fist (counting legs) and brown with black stripes, he walked in as nonchalantly as you please. I froze. I held my breath. I was trapped on a toilet. He was too far away to stomp with the element of surprise. So I finally braced myself and jerked my foot towards him. He jumped backwards (and man can he jump into the air) but did not leave. He planted himself outside the door like a guard waiting to pounce. I quickly pulled myself together and prepared to make a running sissy girl exit from the bathroom with a scream lodged in the back of my throat. (I do not deal well with spiders, especially ones of gigantic proportions).

When I opened the bathroom door, it startled him enough to go flying into the middle of the room. OMG, I almost passed out at the sight of him moving so fast in that creepy multilegged run. I breathed deeply and kept my back to the wall as I worked my way slowly around the room towards the door. It was like a wild west shootout. There we stood in the blazing flourescent lights and dusty tile waiting to see who would draw first. He did circles in the center waiting to attack but I made it to the door and out with amazing speed. I hiked through the building to the farthest bathroom to finish my business.

On my way back, I headed off one of my co-workers who was headed that way and told her about the ginormous attack spider lurking in the bathroom. Being more level headed than I (as I planned to just avoid that bathroom on a permanent basis) she grabbed one of the big strapping men that are rampant in this joint, to go in and spider hunt. He found him lurking behind the trashcan just inside the door waiting to take a poor innocent female by surprise. Man of the big feet effectively stomped said attack spider and the women’s bathroom is safe once again. I highly doubt I will be spending any time in there soon though as I am effectively CREEPED out!

Rover knows best...

Animals know. You know how I know? I know because my animals have lost their ever loving minds.

I have furbabies, even though I know some people cringe at that word, there really is no other way to describe it. You can say my dog is just a dog, but it doesn’t make it true. My female Dachshund, Scarlett, who is prone to shivering in winter and likes to snuggle, has an extensive wardrobe. She will dive into a sweater quicker than you can say “dogs don’t wear clothes.” My girl, Tedda, has personality plus. She’s a half chow, half german shepherd mix who I have babied for the past 13 years. She’s lazy and obnoxiously stubborn and we haven’t decided if she really is going blind and deaf or just using it as an excuse to do what she wants in her old age. My little boy Dachshund, he is a character all on his own, obsessed with stuffed squirrels, we have a rodent problem littering our living room at all times. Cody was a Daddy’s boy from the first moment we got him, while all the other animals are predominantly mamma’s girls.

Then there is THE CAT. She surreptitiously rules the house, lording it over the dogs that she can come and go while they are barred from entering the bedroom area by that pesky iron baby gate. She perches high on our bed and stretches and yawns as they glare at her through the bars while I get dressed in the morning. She sneaks under sofas and reaches out and swats them as they pass by. She knows she is queen. She has at least five pounds on poor little Scarlett who is determined no cat is going to get the best of her. Truffles has been THE CAT and Queen for 7 years. I think she still holds resentment that I not only brought a man into our bed, but two more dogs. She rubs up against Tedda and glares at me like “see, THIS DOG and I are family. Those two munchkin rats do not belong.”

So how did they lose their minds? Every single one of them have become obsessed with me to the point I can hardly function. If I’m in the kitchen, so are they. Tedda lies in the middle of the floor watching me with deep sighs and huffs. The two little dogs move under my feet every time I do. The cat becomes a statue in the barstool watching me with those unblinking eyes. If I’m on the sofa? So are they. Tedda lays in the floor (as she’s never been one to climb on the furniture which would require hefting her old 65lb self up which is way too much energy for her to expend), Cody curls up behind my legs, Scarlett takes roost up against my stomach or back, and the Cat tries to balance on my hip while glaring at the dogs.

At night, the dogs have taken to whining in their crates because they can’t be with me. The cat tries to sleep on my stomach and if I throw her off enough times she settles with wrapping herself around my head and whacking me in the face with her plumed tail. And occasionally if DH tries to cuddle she attacks him or at minimum tries to butt her head up under his hand to move it or divert his attention.

My animals have always been loving, but now they are just suffocating me. They are ignoring DH, and shoved so far up my ass they can probably keep visual tabs on the baby. I distinctly remember Cody and the Cat acting different last time. We had actually suspected I was pregnant this time from some of the animals’ actions before we got the BFP (but were still shocked because of all the cyst issues we were dealing with). So you can be a naysayer about the intuitive nature of animals all you want, but I KNOW that my ANIMALS know. Maybe they are just smarter than yours, but they know. ::shrugs::

I know. I'm MIA. I'm really not. I spent most of last week canning 21 quarts of tomatoes and stringing a gallon of green beans. We decided against putting in a fall garden due to personal reasons, so I'm just finishing up with whats planted and what my parents have given me. I'm starting to get it under control and hoping to be able to make some apple butter and pear preserves soon.

As far as cooking goes, I'm still in a rut. I'm fixing quick and tried and true favorites so there really is nothing to post. Fall is coming though. My favorite time of year for the food blog as I start to bake again and prepare for holiday dishes etc.

Up this week:

Goulash
Hamburgers
Baked chicken and Greenbean casserole
Biscuits, hashbrowns and eggs
Sweet potatoes with cinnamon and sugar
Sandwiches

Dr. Update!

I don’t even know where to begin. Friday, we had the first official OB appointment, blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound went well. It was the first ultrasound that was completely good news actually. I was so dazed I had trouble taking it all in. There was a little peanut on the screen with a beautiful heartbeat at 162bpm. When she measured, it measured exactly 8 weeks 2 days which is perfectly in line with my ovulation. I was stunned. The happiness didn’t really set in but pure overwhelming relief did. I felt like I could breathe. I’ve been holding my breath for weeks and I suddenly could breathe.

I was filled with such wonder and peacefulness that I didn’t want to ruin my little bubble of joy by going to work. So I didn’t. (It would have been 2 before I got there anyway). I went and picked up Panera Bread and fell asleep on the sofa with the dogs curled around me. I slept so well. It was a peaceful sleep because I knew everything was okay. I think it’s the first time I’ve slept decently in weeks as well. (No breathing, no sleeping, no wonder I’ve been a wreck).

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. We had friends over both days and relaxed in the pool. DH helped me clean the house Saturday morning and ran errands with me Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was spent with him helping me, friends relaxing, cuddling and napping with my husband. It was a much needed weekend.

I also found out this morning at work, that I get 12 weeks maternity leave. I’m very excited. So I’m going to be optimistic that things are going to go more smoothly now and the months are going to FLY by as fall is a very busy time of year for us. We have a beach trip coming up (the first time in three years we have traveled at all even to his family’s), followed shortly by my Dad’s big 60th birthday party hosted by yours truly, decorating the house for the fall and Halloween holidays. A few weeks after that is our annual Halloween Chili party which to us kicks off the holidays as the few weeks after that is spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping (and of course this year our big ultrasound will garner lots of excitement before Thanksgiving) and on to the marathon of Christmas events with a full weeks vacation which I will use for nursery decorating.

Then its only three short months till baby! By the time I return from Maternity leave 2011 will be half over! Do you see how I am already panicky because the time is just going to whiz right by me! At the same time, a busy and fast moving time span is very appealing after three years of “waiting.” I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant but I also want to be busy and get to the next thing. The In between times especially this early when I can’t feel anything, is killer.

I guess its safe to start the weekly updates and belly pics now huh?

Happy Butt what..

I think my Prentals may truly be miracle pills. Every other day I am racked by a stomach ache. From the gut gurgling pain you would expect constipation and while there is often a considerable amount of pushing and vomit inducing gorans of pain, the consistency stays on the softer side and once started usually exits with some ease. Were it not for these brown horse pills, I'm pretty sure I would be screaming for an enima by now.

I distinctly remember my first bout of pregnancy induced constipation. It was miserable. I have been very lucky thus far in that these pills seem to be preventing the scales tipping over into hardcore realm of constipation.

I must thank my new insurance here. Last year, I loved teh sample of PreNexa so much I tried to fill the prescription to the tune of $200.00 per month. Apparently, Blue Cross and Blue Shield has something against pregnant women having comfortable bowels.

This time, with the new insurance it is only $35.00 per month. Much more reasonable and budget friendly. So I am in a $35.00 per month prenatal pill bliss with happy bowels and butt.

I'm sure you wanted to know all that.

It's a new dance: The Fester and Rot

I can feel anger and impatience festering up inside of me and I can’t stop it. I knew this morning that I was going to be in a bad mood today. I’m snappish and pissy. There is so much negativity that wants to spew that I’m choking on it in my throat. I don’t know why.

I’ve always thought that women who blame everything negative they do on pregnancy were frauds and couldn’t own up to having emotions or faults. I have plenty of faults. Mood swings have always been one of them. I can’t blame this on pregnancy because I’ve had days like this long before I ever got pregnant. Can I blame my effed up hormone imbalance? Maybe, but it’s me. It’s just the way I am, have always been.

I, like everyone else in the world, have bad days. I have bad things that all conspire together to hit me at once and make my day worse. I take things wrong and I also sometimes just see them clearly because I don’t have it in me to make excuses for them. When I’m in these moods I don’t try and justify other’s reasons because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Trying to always rationalize all sides and walk a middle ground is exhausting. Sometimes I just need to throw in the towel and quit being strong and quit appeasing people and let them deal with the real me since I have to deal with them on a daily basis. Today is that day.

Maybe it all started from the dream I woke up from this morning. I dreamed we were at the ultrasound and there were two little sacs that had not grown past 5 weeks. No babies. No heartbeats. They also found cancer on my brain and my sister was happy about it. What kind of fucked up dream is that on top of a restless night? Strike 1.

I’m trying to wade through a pile of paperwork and things to do. I’ve faxed in my Certification of coverage from my previous insurance so my new insurance will quit denying everything as “preexisting condition.” I noticed that the termination date was two pay periods BEFORE they quit taking the $150.00 from DH’s check which pissed me the hell off. That’s $300.00 we are short that the company is denying giving back to us. Strike 2.

I’m having really sharp pains on either side of my lower abdomen with strong smelling dark urine. That scares me. Everything to do with my body scares me right now. I really just want to hide away from the world, scream at everyone to leave me alone, and not resurface until after Friday morning. Strike 3.

This doesn’t even include some other thoughts in my head over other situations and people in my life.

I’m out. I’m over this day and its not even 10:30 a.m. How in the hell am I supposed to make it through the rest of this week?

Happy Birthday Landon!

One year ago, today, a very dear friend of mine gave birth. We rejoiced, we were flooded with love for a new little boy. Consequently I was so giddy and excited I jumped my husband and concieved Bumblebee. Ofcourse on this day, i didn't know I had concieved. (I'm not one of those lucky ones that can feel the sperm and egg meet *wink).

Today started a whirlwind of events that changed my life forever. A day I can never forget. A day marked in the history of my life.

It's been a year and look how far we've come. Landon is so big and increasingly adorable. Bumblebee is playing in heaven.

Nestled in my tummy is Hurricane Ladybug who is brewing up to be a mighty storm in my life as well.

Here we all are, continuing our journey's but touching each other in ways that just over a year ago, we could not imagine much less comprehend.

Landon,
I am wishing you a life full of joy, love and happiness. I hope you achieve everything you set your heart on and remember to be kind to other's along the way. Make friends, no matter how far away, because they will be your rocks. Cling tight to your family and live. Live to the fullest. Grab hold of life and run with it.
Love,
E-auntie K

AW I'm a Fruity Person anyway ;)

Despite my hesitancy over this pregnancy coming to “fruition”, I have wanted to keep up with the early stages. Ways to commemorate the process no matter how it ends this time. It’s been weird doing this but at the same time gives me hope. I took inspiration from my friend jcam’s fruited belly pics and from thebump’s progress ticker that compares each week with a fruit/veggie size for baby.

With the help of my dear friend Beth, we embarked on a weekly photography journey starting at five weeks. (sorry folks I missed the poppy seed stage). I’ll try and post each picture weekly but just to catch you up, following are the first three pics, in reverse order.

Week 7: Blueberry
Week 6: Sweet Pea
Week 5: Appleseed

I hope we don’t run out of ideas before the end! Once I start showing I will try and do more belly pics as well but for now, I’m digging the “fruitful” artistic expressions. Don’t hold your breathe to catch an elusive sighting of my husband though. We’ll be lucky if we can even get him to participate in maternity photo’s much less weekly food art! LOL

The See Saw goes up and down

So I did what I didn’t think I would let myself do last night and I’m not sure it was a good thing. I dug out “The Pregnancy Bible” from where I had it stashed away with all the baby books, onesies etc that people had given me or been purchased during Bumblebee’s pregnancy.

I had told myself that I would only pull it out and start looking at the progression of baby etc. when baby made it PAST where Bumblebee did. I didn’t want to go through the same weeks again, only to fail again and have to put everything away AGAIN. I want to share with this baby uncharted territory without any painful memories. I couldn’t resist trying to get an idea of where baby might be and how far apart the growth rate is between where ultrasound said I should be and where my dates tell me I should be (again with the overanalyzing, sheesh!)

I’m trying to prepare myself for what I MAY see on the ultrasound and rationalize how far off measurements can be. I’m starting to obsess. I’ve done pretty well keeping my mind off of it up till now, but I can’t seem to help myself. I tried focusing on the stuff that we would pick out and need, but after a few days of that, I gave up because its too depressing thinking I won’t get to actually BUY anything this time around either.

It’s hard feeling that everything is going along fine because I don’t FEEL pregnant. I don’t have morning sickness or nausea or anything like last time. (yes, I know, I’ve been over this already on the blog.) Stephen tried to give me a laundry list of things that are different:
• I’ve gotten dizzy a few times standing up (what like twice? I did that once in a blue moon before pregnancy).
• I’m tired all the time (I went through phases of exhaustion before pregnancy too when I try to do so much or am not eating or sleeping well).
• I have heartburn (yea, I don’t really have a rebuttal for that one as I don’t have heartburn on a daily basis as norm)
• My boobs are tender (but they get tender occasionally during pms as well)
• My boobs are bigger (yea I can’t argue that one either. I’m falling out of my bra and he’s become even more obsessive about them because they are visibly larger and IN YOUR FACE).

Even when he calmly and rationally tried to make this list for me, I still can’t convince myself that I am indeed pregnant with a progressing and growing baby. I fight this fear of what we will see (or rather won’t see). Some days are better than others but they are still there. There are still days, like last night and today that I can’t wrap my brain around the possibility that this won’t turn out bad.

There are some days where I see myself pregnant at each holiday, and the things I will do, and when the milestones are. Those are happy days, where I rub my stomach and smile at the things to come.

It’s the days like today that are tough to get through. I’m a fairly strong person. I’m a scrapper. I try to fight myself to remain calm and peaceful and I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it, but lord have mercy, these days are tough.

I expect everyone who has experienced loss, will never be the same when it comes to pregnancy. No matter how far you get or how many successes you have, we forever will carry the scars of the pain of that one loss. That one time that even though its not our fault, we failed. We failed at the first task of being a good mother. It’s not something I care to repeat. I don’t know if I can handle losing another and I don’t want to find out how “strong” I am.

Just to get it out

So today is a hard day and it doesn't have that much to do with me. I'm not my normal happy self though I'm not a debbie downer either. I'm just uncomfortable. I'm having a lot of back pain but I'm dealing. Afterall, any day make it work WITH makeup, showered, and jewelry on then I most likely can make it through. LOL

No today is hard because my mind is in so many places. My mind is on my friends who are struggling today. One is in pain with a bad cycle and an elusive AF being heralded by cramps from hell. Another is experiencing what no woman should ever have to: a D & C for a baby who just couldn't make it. Another is holding her hand and being brave and strong for her. And yet another is spotting after experiencing IF for so long at 10 weeks.

My heart is breaking for everyone of them. I'm trying to focus on them and send positive energy out into the world today but there are so many directions, I keep jumping back and forth. This isn't about me. This is about how many people suffer at any given time with their own battles that so many other things (like someone complaining because they are behind on their bills and might have things turned off by the companies) just seem so unimportant. I want to shake someone and I want to scream. I want to cry for everyone.

There really is no point to this. I don't even have eloquent words to express myself. Today, I just am, and hoping they have what they need to get through these trying times. May the lord be with you all today.

Menu Monday

Okay. It's hard for me to believe that it's been a month since I've posted anything but the weekly menues. That is bad. Really bad. You are permitted to beat me with a sugar cane (or candy cane ;) for being such a bad blogger. The garden is failing on me. My producing plants are getting old and the rest of the garden has really taken a hit from the heat. This coming weekend will be my last attempt at doing anything on it this year. I'm going to pull up the scorched old cucumber plants and zuchini and squash. I'm going to plant fall crops: spinach, cabbage, greens, radishes. After that, I'm going to rely on the farmer's market to provide me with goods. I probably won't even can a whole lot since I'm going to be buying the food anyway, I might as well just buy it when I need it. ::sigh::

I'm ready for fall. I'm ready to not have so much to do outdoors so I can keep a clean house and cook again.

This week:
Soft tacos

Spaghetti

Cheesy chicken cups

Turkey Melts

Nothing very exciting. I need to get on the ball!

Not Really a McFatty Monday but kinda sorta ;)

I know I said I wouldn’t really do any more McFatty Monday updates but I feel it is very important to mention here that I am back down to my pregnancy start weight. The week after I found out I was pregnant, my weight ballooned up almost 8 pounds overnight. I realized it was probably bloat but as the time passed, I panicked that the bloat wasn’t going away. Because I’m already overweight, I have to watch my weight during pregnancy very carefully so I don’t gain too much.

Last week, it finally left. I was back down to my start weight. I have been trying to eat healthy but there are some days I just don’t care. It’s not like I have had cravings, or food aversions, or even morning sickness (Praise the Lord!) but sometimes I just WANT or don’t want something. So far this pregnancy, the most prevalent food choice is Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. I should buy stock in that company for the next 7 months. I don’t always get my water in, like yesterday though most of the time I’m very good about it. I’m still trying to stay away from soft drinks but the fizzy sweet goodness really hit the spot the past week, so ginger ale has become my carbonated drink of choice. I figure it is slightly better for me than mountain dew at least and I try to limit myself to one if any.

After this weekend, I pretty much let myself have what I want as we did a LOT of walking at the zoo. We had a blast, I was sore for days (still am). So I didn’t really limit my intake because I felt dehydrated and run down energy wise when it was over. I am happy to report that my weight has not gone up again! YAY! So I guess what I ate balanced out with all that exercise! LOL

I’m starting to get a tiny bit nervous now that the ultrasound is getting close. It’s NEXT week. Granted its next FRIDAY so its practically two weeks away but its still NEXT week. I’m praying so hard that everything is great. According to my O date, I will be 8 weeks and 3 days which I believe is older than BB made it (though we didn’t find out till 10 weeks). According to my last ultrasound I will be 7 weeks 4 days so just under that mark. I am really hoping we have a strong heart beat and are measuring with my O date. That would make me feel a lot better! Until then, I guess the only thing I can do is keep trucking along, trying to get my water in, eating well and taking my vitamins.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is going into this week feeling positive and upbeat. I am for the most part.

For all my girls

It’s odd. In my little internet world, BFP’s come in waves. I’ve watched for years as beloved members/friends of our group have joined the ranks of pregnancy in envy. Last year, I joined one of the babyplosions. I rejoiced, as did many people at my success. They mourned with me with my M/C. I watched them continue on with a mix of joy and sadness.

I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.

I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.

There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”

Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.

I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.

I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.

I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.

But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.

I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.

Thankful on Thursday

Since my last post was all about being ill and irrational and such a blight on life's party, I decided I NEEDED to write this post more than anything today.

So what am I thankful for:

1) Good family- not just immediate, but the ones who understand me and stick by me even when I'm a hornet

2) A growing baby

3) My husband- who is so loving (albeit annoying) and optimistic about this pregnancy

4) Cuddly dogs- even though they are just as annoying as their father and have a tendency to go after kitty crunchies (aka be turd herders) if I forget to close the baby gate that keeps them out of the back of the house.

5) Good friends- who keep me motivated to be social and work out.

6) Caffeine- I know, I KNOW, but one cup of coffee in the morning is how I make it out the door.

Ode to a Wilted Southern Flower

I’m struggling today. I feel like one of my little red petunias in my porch planter that has wilted in this horrid NC heat wave. It’s a struggle to bloom and be colorful when your leaves are dragging the ground, your earth is parched and cracked and the sun is beating you down. Not even the bees are attracted to your pollen.

Southern belles are never supposed to look wilted and weak. We are proud women who even in a heat wave sip our sweet iced tea and fan ourselves with big cartwheel hats while saying things like “fiddle dee dee” and “bless your heart.” (Okay, I don’t say the first one but I do say the second). We serve up fried chicken, grit casserole and coleslaw in the blink of an eye and always have some type of pie and casserole fixings on hand for emergency rations (new neighbors, babies, funerals). We are garden warriors, over the fence rail gossipers, flower mavens, and manipulative maidens disguised as sweet maple syrup and fresh honey. We do not WILT or fail.

My southern belle card is going to be revoked soon. I can feel it. I’m still not sleeping. I do not know what the deal is. Besides being up 20 times last night to relieve my bladder and intestines (oh what, I said we were polite in the South, I didn’t say we didn’t blab about our bodily functions on the internet!) I lay there all night, tossing and turning, uncomfortable and mad. I’m mad at the world today. I woke up that way this morning. I was ticked off at the alarm clock which went off a total of 5 times every 9 minutes before my husband woke up enough to sit up and turn it off. After the fourth time I threw the covers back and stomped to the dining room to take the dogs out. I was furious. I don’t even know why. The alarm did what it does every day, as did my husband. Nothing changed either of them. It was ME that was exhausted, ill and irate.

I worked out yesterday: walked and swam. I went to bed at the normal time with a glass of milk. I was tired from not sleeping the past few nights. By all standards, I SHOULD have slept last night. Oh nooooo, I apparently don’t follow logical standards. So today I’m alternating between being deliriously spastic and a walking zombie hugging my cup of green tea.

I’m not stressed or worried per say. I’m on a rather even and calm ground yesterday and today. I’m a little irritated as they scheduled my second interview for August 19th at 9am so I had to reschedule my ultrasound YET AGAIN to the 20th. My Dr’s office and my husband are getting irritated on having to work around my job. This is the second time I’ve rescheduled and just a few minutes ago the meeting for the 18th got cancelled so if I had never started rescheduling, I would have been fine. Very frustrating, but yet none of that has any bearing on not sleeping last night or waking up ill as a hornet this morning as all of that happened AFTER the fact.

So here I am, irrationally ill, exhausted and deciding if I want more apple juice bad enough to stop by the store on the way home. Apple juice and I have become great friends this past week. ::ponders whether that may have something to do with my nighttime bathroom trips and sleeplessness:: I actually think I may choose apple juice over sleep. Interesting.

Worthy of Praise

A dear friend of mine, Isha, sent me this passage yesterday during my inner turmoil. It really spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let our requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8

I try to be a positive and supportive person. I have my moments of pure bitchdom (Who doesn’t?) I have my moments of wallowing in the negative (I’m not perfect.) I occasionally get into funks (sometimes a good funk is rejuvenating). Overall though I like to think I don’t dwell too long on bad things and I try to turn them into ways I can be a strong supporter and leader of those who are going through the same issue because I’ve already been there (holy run-on sentence batman). That’s how I deal with things. I turn them around and use them to help others. At least I try to. The past few weeks have been rather difficult because every time I think I have myself under control and calm, I get more news that doesn’t, well let’s just say, sit well.

This passage means the world to me because it speaks volumes about who I am. Who I TRULY am most of the time. I try to rejoice in the good, the blessings, the pure. I focus on that when some people want to smack me because they aren’t done wallowing. What’s more than that though, is it tells me not to be anxious; to let the peace of God guard our hearts and minds. We’ve always known to cast our burdens upon him but it’s easier said then done.

I know I can not change the outcome of this pregnancy. If it’s good, none of these numbers or questions will matter. If it’s bad, there’s nothing I can do to save it by gathering all this information. I have to wait and see. I have to pray that it is God’s will and whatever happens, he makes me okay with that will. I have to be strong.

I can’t promise I won’t grab a reservation for a pity party of one again, but for today, I’m resilient and I’m at peace. I’m dwelling on the fact that I’m pregnant, and the sac looks good, my husband is happy and excited, and I don’t have morning sickness so far. Those are definitely excellent things. Thank you God! (and Thank You Isha!)

Shut The Eff Up Fat Lady

Let’s talk about Roller Coasters. My life has been one since this pregnancy began. Heck since BEFORE this pregnancy began when I was dealing with what I thought was just a cyst issue and a break in TTC. Day after day, week after week, I’ve had more disturbing/unsettling news. I haven’t had a break yet. I’m tired. I’m exhausted both physically and mentally. I try not to be a negative person. At least not for too long a period of time. I always try to turn things around and focus on the positive or chant “what will be will be.” I don’t want to bring other’s down because life goes on all around me and no matter how bad it gets, my life continues too and I have to fight until the day I die.

After my emotional crying jag this morning when the Dr. called with the new Beta numbers, I do what I do best. I research. (I really loved research in school and should have become some type of research analyst.) I posted to the bump board “PAL” and got some good information.

I Googled, I cried, I analyzed. This is what I’ve come up with: My HCG numbers are still well within the five week range (not the 4 week like its measuring but whatever). While my numbers were doubling every 48 hours, they still doubled every 64 hours (give or take) so its still within the 48-72 hour range though it has slowed down. According to some resources, once the HSG levels are over 1200 the doubling time slows and can still be acceptable from 72-96 hours at that point.

My Dr. is not too concerned as the sac looked really good and the numbers are still within an “acceptable rise.” Of course there is nothing to do but wait and they don’t feel that moving up the ultrasound will give us any more information than waiting will. So I have two and a half weeks to get through before I can find out more information. Two and a half weeks of pure hellish torture. I can’t be depressed for two more weeks. I’m not built that way. I have to throw myself into a billion projects. There are two cooking contests coming up, fall crops to be planted, a beach trip to plan for, a church group starting (even though right now I’m thoroughly disgusted with how its progressing) and maybe even some giveaways to do on this blog to distract me. I’m looking into that.

I have to focus on the positives: Sac looks good, it’s in the ute, the numbers are still doubling within an acceptable range even if they have slowed. It may be okay. I’m a neurotic worry wart. I know this. Embrace this and love me anyway. God has the power to make this okay. The only thing I can do is stay busy and pray. Even though I have soreness and cramps, I have only seen one teeny tiny spot of blood that was almost microscopic.

I’m sorry I’m so wishy washy and that I can’t keep my head on straight about this pregnancy. My plans for being calm and enjoying every minute went out the window when the Dr. said he was worried about ectopic. I don’t think I’ve quite put myself back on an even ground with all the other news that keeps coming my way. And of course I have nothing but to spill it to my friends and the interwebz to keep myself from going completely insane. Or more so than apparently I already am.

::stuffs a sock in the fat lady's mouth:: choke on that bitch.

I hear the fat lady singing

IT didn't take long did it? Before she warmed up her voice. The Dr. called to give me my Beta results. At 24dpo they are 4539. Nearly 120 hours after the last beta draw which was 1252. So they aren't doubling anymore. Combine that with measuring a week behind on the ultrasound and its a clear sign this pregnancy is doomed. I don't think I can even hold out hope anymore.

I think at this point I just want it to be over so I have less risk of having to have a D & C. Something has to be wrong. I can get pregnant with meds but not carry. I don't understand.

I had actually settled into a calmer place this morning. I had even written a positie blog post about letting it be in God's hands...and then the Dr. called. So much for that peaceful shit.

Now I'm sitting at work trying to figure out how to get through an entire day knowing my child is basically dying inside me as I sit here.

Menu Monday

There has been a lot going on at the home of this gardener this week. A lot of personal things I'm not ready to share yet. So cooking has been blase at best. Not exactly whats been on my mind and admittedly I had to throw quite a few veggies out as I just didn't get to them.

This weekend I did weed the garden and tie up the tomatoes and pull out dead plants. I lost a lot of my eggplants for some reason and I have no clue why. I've never seen the plant just rot with a half grown eggplant on it...but that's what half my plants did.

Dinner over the weekend, consisted of mostly Chicken noodle soup. I'm going to try and do a little better this week as I really can't handle that much sodium (the canned kind...gasp).

Last night i made Country Fried Steak, gravy, mashed potatoes and peas and carrots. (Not exactly better for me).

Tonight is Spinach Lasagna (heavy on the cheese but I am using wheat pasta)

Hamburgers on the grill

Baked chicken (probably some kind of casserole)

Either fried cabbage or brussell sprouts with perogies.

chicken enchiladas (for him) and leftovers for me.

Peach Sonker

It's never simple or easy is it?

I wish for once, I could have complete good news when I visit the Dr. This is why I don’t ever want to go alone again because I always get some kind of negative news. This morning, I had an ultrasound. The good news is: the sac is in the uterus. No ectopic and there wasn’t as much fluid. Unfortunately, we couldn’t just leave it there. No, we had to measure the sac and tell me it was 4 weeks 6 days. Well NO I had an ultrasound at that point in my pregnancy and they couldn’t even FIND the sac which is why I came back today…at 5 weeks 5days. So now you are telling me this baby is measuring a week behind already. And all I can think of is: “Exactly like bumblebee.”

Looking back I always felt I should have known bumblebee wouldn’t make it because he was measuring behind from the get go. But I didn’t let it worry me. Now with this one it has been one worry after another. I’m trying so hard to enjoy being pregnant because of that deep fear that it won’t last, but how can I help it when I am constantly getting news like this?

I feel numb and broken. Everyone keeps saying: “it’s great news, don’t worry!” but all I want to do is cry because I have such a sick feeling in my gut. So I’m pretending to everyone that I’m fine and I’m not worried when all I want to do is throw up.