8 Month Letter (a month late)

Because I'm backlogged on posts and pictures, I'm just now posting this one. OOPS.

Dear Matthew,

I can scarcely believe you are 8 months old. Day by day I watch you rush headlong into boyhood and leave the baby traits behind. I know it won’t be long before you no longer want to be rocked to sleep, cuddle into my neck and touch my face.
I wallow everyday in your sweetness; trying to store the memories up, for when you’d rather play in the dirt than sit in my lap. For now, you are content to interact with us but growing up too fast. You started crawling a few weeks ago and haven’t stopped or slowed down since. In the past few days you’ve been standing and pulling up. You have even walked while hanging on to my hands, the sofa, and the table.
I glow and encourage each new achievement and while I’m thrilled for each new phase my heart hurts at how fast you are going to leave me behind. Since becoming a crawler, you have graduated to the big boy tub where you crawl and splash and giggle happily every night.
You are enjoying a whole world of new foods and blends, cookies, snacks and crackers. You are still sensitive to textures so you are not crazy about even coarsely mashed adult food, though you are glutton for Thanksgiving Pumpkin Pie and my coffee.
You have started sleeping in your own bed for at least part of the night on most occasions. While I know you need your own space and our bed is quickly growing too small for all three of us, I still enjoy your warm body curled into mine, your breath on my cheek and your little hand gripping me as you dream limitless possibilities.
I love you so much, words can not even say. It seems impossible but my love grows everyday, and while I know you are going to be a great toddler, I can wait for you to get there if you’d like to slow down and be a baby for just a little longer.

For now, you are splish splash baths, frozen waffles, stuffed tree frogs, chasing Truffles the cat, giggles under blankets, open mouth slobbery kisses, toothy grins, and deep hugs.

You are dreams come true, magic and snuggles, peace and Christmas spirit. You are everything good that daddy and I can give you. You have the best of us always in your heart.

All my love,

Momma

Unsoothable

Last night, I was going to post about my great disappointment in my lack of popularity preventing my child from getting invites to birthday parties. It hurt my feelings that my impression on other parents would inhibit my child’s dance card so to speak. (He was not invited to a birthday party for his classmates 1st birthday when other kids were). I realize this is me projecting my fear and is completely shallow but I have this deep seated fear that parents will ostracize my child because they don't like me.

Then amidst the normal hectic evening schedule, my child had a complete and utter emotional breakdown. He didn’t want to sleep, he didn’t want to eat, and he didn’t want a bath. He didn’t know what he wanted. Daddy couldn’t pacify him. Momma couldn’t pacify him. He screamed and cried hysterically for almost three hours.

At first I was a little angry with the situation. His meltdown coincided with dinner and I just wanted him to eat so I could eat and go to bed. I had come home from a long day at work after three nights of not sleeping due to his whining/teething/congestion and I desperately wanted to sleep. So when he got fussy and refused to eat, I got frustrated. Then I got mad at myself and started tearing up because I got frustrated with him. I had to do deep breaths. Stephen took over so I could eat but I had lost my appetite.

From there, it went into full melt down mode and emotionally I was drained. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong. Nothing worked. I rocked, I walked, I sang. I even offered him THE BOOBS which pacified him until I couldn’t take the pain of empty sucking anymore, which prompted him to scream more. Apparently this weekend wasn’t the most opportune time to go dry and wean him but my body made that choice, I didn’t and now he (and all of us) must suffer for it.

Those three hours were by far the worst three hours of his life to date. I can’t imagine what it must be like for new moms with colicky babes hours and days on end with unsolvable crying.

He finally wore himself out and went to sleep. It’s amazing how draining just a few hours of tending an upset child can be. All the emotions going through my head: Why can’t I comfort him? I’m a terrible mother! What if there is something seriously wrong that I’m not recognizing. I’m a terrible mother! I’m so tired, baby please go to sleep. I can’t do this all night. I’m a terrible mother!

We gave him Tylenol for teething pain, his amber necklace is on, Vick’s vaporizer steaming up his room, Child’s vapor rub on his chest, Gas Medicine. The combination plus the crying at least lulled him into one of his best nights in a long time. Granted he didn’t stay in his crib but an hour or two but he settled right down curled into me in the twin daybed in his room…and that’s where we slept ALL night.

That bed hurts my back lately but a stiff back is a small price to pay for a night of quiet sleep after the ordeal we have been through.

His top two teeth have come in simultaneously (just as his bottom two did) and they are completely through the skin now. His fourth bottom tooth is showing but not through yet. I’m hoping we are on the down swing of the teething trauma and get a reprieve for a few days.

It pains me unbearably to see my baby unhappy. It rips my heart out when I can’t soothe him. It makes me question my ability to parent, my emotional state, my everything. Why am I not good enough to make him happy? I know, logically, that I’m doing fine. I may not be perfect. I may not be the trendiest or have all this new fangled research under my belt to prepare for the happiest/healthiest/trendiest/hippest kid of this decade but I love my son. I do my best and sometimes that means just slugging through a workday in order to get 5 minutes of precious hugs and smooches and baby giggles before going through the nighttime routine. I give him all of me and that’s the best I can do.

Maybe all of me isn’t always good enough and maybe some parents will look down on me for whatever reasons: because I drive a Chevy Impala instead of a Lexus SUV and my kids dinosaur shirt that we both love has a slight blue tinge to it because it was washed with my brand new Dark rinse Calvin Klein jeans but I send him to daycare in it anyway. Maybe because I bake for his daycare teachers and give them Cashmere scarves for Christmas or because I wear jeans and workboots instead of suits and heels most days. Maybe just maybe, I do fear that because I don’t meet the standards of some parents, my kid will be outcast by his peer group but that is my insecurity, not his.

When you peek in the door at daycare he is usually in the thick of things, with his besties, crawling, passing toys, butting heads etc. He has friends already and everyone loves him. I can’t worry about his peers’ parents and their opinions of me. I can only be me and hope that by doing my best by my babe; it will be good enough, whether that’s making impressions on peers’ parents or soothing his aches and pains through endless nights.

I am only a mother, but I am his and after everything we went through last night, his peer group popularity at 8 months old seems completely frivolous and unimportant so why bother with a blog post solely dedicated to my insecurity over the issue. I will worry about that in a few years….when he’s not teething and is out of diapers. For now, I just hope to have a happy baby and no repeats of last night any time soon.

Dear Matthew

How is it possible that you are four weeks old today? It seems only yesterday that I got my first glimpse of your precious face and a month has passed already. You are growing so fast that I can't keep up. You are holding your head up and aware of things. You are focusing on the animals on your mobiles, cooing, smiling, and making kissy faces when we kiss you on the mouth. You are grasping at everything and trying to get control of your hands and arms. You have even rolled a few times though I don't think that was all together your idea but more a result of your spastic movements.

Your personality is starting to shine through and you definitely have a little temper. When you get a gas bubble, you have this heartbreaking shuddering cry with big crocodile tears that break my heart. I would literally fight tigers for you if it would keep you from making that pitiful cry.

We've had our bad days with colic but we have managed to get through them, maybe not always with grace but with plenty of love. The good days are amazing. In the early dawn when you look at me with those big blue eyes fresh from sleep as you drink from my breast. The first smile of the day and a soft coo; a sweet nap in your swing as I go about the house hold chores. We are making it work and developing a new pattern and a new life. I know it will change again when I go back to work and the days are passing too fast heading that way, but for today and next week, I know I have you to myself and I'm wallowing in every minute of you.


Your Daddy is completely enamored and ya'll already have this amazing bond. He smothers you in kisses every morning, afternoon and night. He cuddles you, bathes you, snuggles you and I swear the love shines right out of his eyes when he looks at you. I know he wishes he had more time with you but working full time and going to school are hard on him but he's doing it so that in two years he can provide better for you and a possible sibling and have more time as you grow to do boyscouts, sports etc with you.

I can barely remember life before you, and frankly I don't want to. It may have not had nights of fussy colic baby cries but it did not have days of this amazing little baby that you are. I just ask one favor of you as you rush head long to being one month old....please slow down. You are getting so big so fast, already over 8lbs and outgrown your Newborn clothes. Time is running away from me and I'm afraid you will be going off to college in a week.

I love you baby boy, to the moon and beyond for all eternity.

Love,
Mama

34 Weeks

Total weight gain: This morning I was sitting at 26 pounds but when I got to the Dr. I was at 29lbs. I've been sick for two days and today was the first day I could really eat and drink so I was knocking back the Gatorade. Dr. was pretty sure it was my body retaining all the water it had lost and not worried about the gain.

Maternity clothes? Still mostly but I still have those few pieces I haven't let go of. I don't think they will make it all the way to the end but I can live without them for a few weeks....I've only got five weeks left ya'll!

Sleep: Off and on. I tend to be able to take naps but not sleep through the night. Go figure. Maybe its getting me in practice so I don't become a zombie mom.

Best moment this week: Losing weight (and that was before I got sick!)I lost four pounds between last thursday and Monday. Not sure how I did it. Probably water.

Gender: Definitely a BOY!

Craving: Still Salad..with Steak. Coca Cola (which is odd since I'm a pepsi product girl)

Movement: Definitely and I love every second of it.I'm totally going to miss this part of pregnancy. Even though his rolls are getting pretty painful.

Labor Signs: Some mild Braxton Hicks but nothing too bad.

Belly Button in or out? Still In

What I miss: Sleep and living off Zantac and Tums.


What I am looking forward to: Getting some housework done.

Milestones: Bought the last of the big items on the registry that were musts. We almost have all the minimal things that we need to start out.

I'm totally wearing Pocohontas braids to honor my heritage for Thanksgiving ;)

Total weight gain: As of Monday it was back to 10 but its Thanksgiving, I odn't see that number staying there. LOL
Maternity clothes? No but I wear some of them anyway. It won't be long before I have to wear the pants though.
Sleep: Somewhat decent.
Best moment this week: DH getting to listen to his son play and move via dopplar while we snuggled in the bed.
Gender: Definately a BOY!
Craving: Collard greens and Fried chicken dipped in ranch.
Movement: Getting stronger with more distinct thumps.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist and a lowering number on the scale.
What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping.
Milestones: Finding baby with a home dopplar and getting very distinct thumps.

Mama Knows Best

and Mama would be ME! (and I say that extremely smugly).

I went to the Dr. today. Everything was good. It took them awhile to find the heartbeat though, which started making me nervous. As much as I love seeing my baby on a sonogram, HAVING to have one always makes me apprehensive. So right before they were about to give up with the Doppler, I told them they should look right below my belly button where my stomach is hard because that's where I felt the kick.

They denied that baby would be up that far yet but as soon as they put the Doppler down where I pointed, there was the heartbeat. Beating beautiful and strong. I just smiled. They were impressed and confirmed that if baby had progressed to there I most certainly felt a kick and should start to feel them more regularly and stronger soon. Yea, I'm a little smug that I knew where my baby was. It made me feel like I was tuned in to my child after all and may not turn out to be such a bad mom after all.

Colopscopy came back okay too. No cells they are worried about biopsy etc. Will follow up with a pap after birth so I'm glad that is over. More importantly is that my Anatomy scan is in FOUR WEEKS! (I could have had it in two but would still have to come back for a regular appt in 4 and I don't need to miss more work than I have to so we are going to do it all at once). October 9th SQUEEEE. So excited.

The First Flutters? HLB is that you?

I think I may have felt HLB last night. I’ve been waking up consistently between 3 and 4am and having trouble getting back to sleep. Often times my abdomen will be very sore during this time or I will wake up absolutely starving, ready to gnaw my own arm off.

I’ve started joking that it must be the baby’s active time because there really is no explanation for this pattern. Last night, I woke up, and it felt like my stomach had been used as a trampoline it was so sore (which is not out of the realm of possibility as my 17 lb cat likes to climb up on me and snuggle during the night). I put my hands over my stomach and I felt the slightest ripple of vibration from the inside.

I could not feel it through my hands or skin, but it was an internal feeling. It was something different that I haven’t felt before, not like gas bubbles. The best way I can describe it is a ripple of vibration feather light inside. I lay there for a long time trying to feel it again before I finally managed to drift off to sleep.

This morning, while I was sitting on the bed eating cereal and watching the morning news with my dog curled up beside me listening to Steve curse at the TV over some political story (which is hilarious), I thought I felt it again. I stopped moving and sat very still, but no repeat performance.

It’s exhilarating to think that it may just well be my child! I thought I would be a little wierded out when I started feeling him/her but its so exciting I want to burst with joy. I may change my mind about that when I’m getting kicked in the ribs though.

After eating decently all weekend and working hard yesterday outside, I was very disappointed in myself when the scales were way up this morning. A total of 5 lbs up (which is 3 lbs since Friday). I know it may be bloat but I’m afraid of the dr. tomorrow. I don’t want to be yelled at since they don’t want me gaining hardly anything! LOL.

Fat Girl Bumpology 101

It’s no secret that I am a large girl. Amazonian in fact. If you can’t tell by my pictures, I’m fat. I’ve always fought my weight since the onset of puberty (now we know why, thank you PCOS). What you may not be able to tell is that I am also 6 foot tall. So the word large is not at all a foreign word to me. To be an overweight woman, I do carry my weight well (I’ve even had Dr.’s tell me that so I’m not delusional here people.)

I think there are of course stigma’s and myths associated with being an overweight pregnant woman though. First, anyone and everyone who has read What to expect When you are Expecting has probably had it ingrained in their heads that it is a malicious thing to do to a future child to get pregnant while overweight by even a pound. That book is hateful. Second, if you do get pregnant, you are surely going to have complications and Gestational Diabetes and Pre-E etc. So what about those girls that “didn’t know they were pregnant?” Well let’s talk about those because that ties into this whole myth thing.

Obviously, as a larger woman you are told not to gain much weight while pregnant. Your body will not starve the baby if you aren’t eating for two but will use some of your fat deposits for energy. SCORE! So based on this information and MTV you automatically go into pregnancy thinking you will never show, never have a bump and if you are lucky at 32 weeks or so, your fat will round out and you will for a few weeks look like you are pregnant before giving birth to a baby elephant (or having the baby fall out on your shoe, take your pick). NOT TRUE.

I chose to get pregnant while overweight for many reasons. 1) I am 32 years old with PCOS and struggled for 3 years to get pregnant with meds. 2) My dr. deemed my body healthy and capable to carry a child with little problem. 3) My physicals came back normal. I did however, struggle to be as healthy as possible which included quitting smoking and losing 44 pounds. I was absolutely confident that I could maintain my weight and be healthy during pregnancy.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Lies, lies and more lies. I have seen a specialist and I am at a higher risk for GD and Pre-E but just as much so because of PCOS than because of my weight. Put the two together and wa-la, greater risk. I have tried to maintain my weight diligently and did great…until this week.

As soon as second tri hit, it was like a light bulb went off in my body and BAM, instant pooch. Here’s what happens when a fat girl “pops” (though I highly doubt it can be considered a pop but for lack of better terms, lets go with it). Ready?

Your fat pokes out. You can’t tell you are pregnant unless you know someone intimately. Sure enough though, that pooch, roll, gut, whatever you want to call it, is rounding out, getting hard and STICKING OUT THERE but not in a cute bumpish sort of way. More like a “I just ate 20 cheeseburgers from Mickey D’s sort of way.”

I could possibly take a picture but I’m not sure there is a way to take it without losing some of my ego and/or grossing anyone out with a picture of my fat encased in jeans. I have a feeling that my idea that I could go to almost 30 weeks without maternity clothes was probably a pipe dream at best. I’m not sad I am showing after all, but it is kind of disconcerting as a woman who has always watched her weight to see a two pound scale difference but what appears to be a 15 lb difference in my clothes. I am in my FAT GIRL jeans overnight! You know, those jeans I kept from when I was 44 lbs heavier as a reminder of what I was? Yea, I’m wearing those today. They are still falling off my arse and bagging at the hips, but not very loose in the stomach. My regular jeans still fit but are way too uncomfortable when sitting. I went for comfort.

So to all my fat girls out there, be warned. Your bodies don’t do what we think they are going to do and I can imagine if I’m showing now, this could get really awkward here in 20 weeks. I’m imagining Shamu tossing on a beach while children laugh and point.

To all you skinny huzzies, don’t snicker behind your computer screens, because your bodies can do funky things too and I hate you. Just kidding. I don’t. I would love to have a beautiful bump and not look like a beached well. Bravo for you for keeping fit and trim!

Introducing HLB

Yesterday, was once again, amazing. They couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler so they sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound found it right away and there was my sweet babe sucking its thumb. When she pressed down with the ultrasound wand/thingie my feisty little babe reared back and kicked with all its might, both legs and butt in the air. Oh he/she was MAD! Heaven help us, s/he has my temper and Daddy’s long legs. At 11 weeks 5 days old, my babe has an attitude and does not like to be disturbed.

The very last image before she stopped was of a little perfect arm and hand waving goodbye. It was the most amazing thing. It felt like Christmas.

It is completely beyond my comprehension though that there can be THAT much movement and I feel NOTHING. It’s so bizarre to see that little image of this perfect little being with an attitude and not be able to feel it. It’s so surreal!

Dr. Update!

I don’t even know where to begin. Friday, we had the first official OB appointment, blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound went well. It was the first ultrasound that was completely good news actually. I was so dazed I had trouble taking it all in. There was a little peanut on the screen with a beautiful heartbeat at 162bpm. When she measured, it measured exactly 8 weeks 2 days which is perfectly in line with my ovulation. I was stunned. The happiness didn’t really set in but pure overwhelming relief did. I felt like I could breathe. I’ve been holding my breath for weeks and I suddenly could breathe.

I was filled with such wonder and peacefulness that I didn’t want to ruin my little bubble of joy by going to work. So I didn’t. (It would have been 2 before I got there anyway). I went and picked up Panera Bread and fell asleep on the sofa with the dogs curled around me. I slept so well. It was a peaceful sleep because I knew everything was okay. I think it’s the first time I’ve slept decently in weeks as well. (No breathing, no sleeping, no wonder I’ve been a wreck).

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. We had friends over both days and relaxed in the pool. DH helped me clean the house Saturday morning and ran errands with me Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was spent with him helping me, friends relaxing, cuddling and napping with my husband. It was a much needed weekend.

I also found out this morning at work, that I get 12 weeks maternity leave. I’m very excited. So I’m going to be optimistic that things are going to go more smoothly now and the months are going to FLY by as fall is a very busy time of year for us. We have a beach trip coming up (the first time in three years we have traveled at all even to his family’s), followed shortly by my Dad’s big 60th birthday party hosted by yours truly, decorating the house for the fall and Halloween holidays. A few weeks after that is our annual Halloween Chili party which to us kicks off the holidays as the few weeks after that is spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping (and of course this year our big ultrasound will garner lots of excitement before Thanksgiving) and on to the marathon of Christmas events with a full weeks vacation which I will use for nursery decorating.

Then its only three short months till baby! By the time I return from Maternity leave 2011 will be half over! Do you see how I am already panicky because the time is just going to whiz right by me! At the same time, a busy and fast moving time span is very appealing after three years of “waiting.” I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant but I also want to be busy and get to the next thing. The In between times especially this early when I can’t feel anything, is killer.

I guess its safe to start the weekly updates and belly pics now huh?

Houston, We have Heartbeat

Yesterday was an amazing day. Even though the ultrasound picture shows nothing but a blob hugging the top of my ute, I will try and scan it in for show and tell sometime this week. We have a HEARTBEAT. I very strong pulse of light with good sound. It melted me. I even managed to get a peak at DH smiling at the monitor.

I'm measuring behind at only 6 weeks/ 6 days (today is 7 weeks) but the Dr. was not concerned as my chart showed a late ovulation on day 21. So my new Due Date is May 11th (which is even later than I had figured). Oh well. I HAVE A BABY in there! I don't care!

They did this long questionaire and consultation and gave my so many books and phamplets and free trials of prescription Prenatals etc. It was very overwhelming.

After the two hour marathon Dr.'s appt, DH and I went by Babies R Us and picked out a crib and cards for the grandparents. He picked out a pack and play (he's so funny) and it was all I could do to drag him out before he bought some onesies our child would not be able to use until next fall. I had to tell him I'm pretty sure they will have them again for next Halloween. We do not need to buy our unborn child a halloween costume THIS year and pray he/she is still wearing 6-9 month clothes at that point.

After lunch at Chili's, I took a nap while he studied. Then i had a burst of energy and cleaned our bedroom, did laundry etc. At the end of the day, I was worn out, my feet hurt but I felt extremely happy and accomplished. I had successfully cleaned, spent time with my husband and grown a baby complete with heartbeat.

Life is Good.