and Mama would be ME! (and I say that extremely smugly).
I went to the Dr. today. Everything was good. It took them awhile to find the heartbeat though, which started making me nervous. As much as I love seeing my baby on a sonogram, HAVING to have one always makes me apprehensive. So right before they were about to give up with the Doppler, I told them they should look right below my belly button where my stomach is hard because that's where I felt the kick.
They denied that baby would be up that far yet but as soon as they put the Doppler down where I pointed, there was the heartbeat. Beating beautiful and strong. I just smiled. They were impressed and confirmed that if baby had progressed to there I most certainly felt a kick and should start to feel them more regularly and stronger soon. Yea, I'm a little smug that I knew where my baby was. It made me feel like I was tuned in to my child after all and may not turn out to be such a bad mom after all.
Colopscopy came back okay too. No cells they are worried about biopsy etc. Will follow up with a pap after birth so I'm glad that is over. More importantly is that my Anatomy scan is in FOUR WEEKS! (I could have had it in two but would still have to come back for a regular appt in 4 and I don't need to miss more work than I have to so we are going to do it all at once). October 9th SQUEEEE. So excited.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
The First Flutters? HLB is that you?
I think I may have felt HLB last night. I’ve been waking up consistently between 3 and 4am and having trouble getting back to sleep. Often times my abdomen will be very sore during this time or I will wake up absolutely starving, ready to gnaw my own arm off.
I’ve started joking that it must be the baby’s active time because there really is no explanation for this pattern. Last night, I woke up, and it felt like my stomach had been used as a trampoline it was so sore (which is not out of the realm of possibility as my 17 lb cat likes to climb up on me and snuggle during the night). I put my hands over my stomach and I felt the slightest ripple of vibration from the inside.
I could not feel it through my hands or skin, but it was an internal feeling. It was something different that I haven’t felt before, not like gas bubbles. The best way I can describe it is a ripple of vibration feather light inside. I lay there for a long time trying to feel it again before I finally managed to drift off to sleep.
This morning, while I was sitting on the bed eating cereal and watching the morning news with my dog curled up beside me listening to Steve curse at the TV over some political story (which is hilarious), I thought I felt it again. I stopped moving and sat very still, but no repeat performance.
It’s exhilarating to think that it may just well be my child! I thought I would be a little wierded out when I started feeling him/her but its so exciting I want to burst with joy. I may change my mind about that when I’m getting kicked in the ribs though.
After eating decently all weekend and working hard yesterday outside, I was very disappointed in myself when the scales were way up this morning. A total of 5 lbs up (which is 3 lbs since Friday). I know it may be bloat but I’m afraid of the dr. tomorrow. I don’t want to be yelled at since they don’t want me gaining hardly anything! LOL.
I’ve started joking that it must be the baby’s active time because there really is no explanation for this pattern. Last night, I woke up, and it felt like my stomach had been used as a trampoline it was so sore (which is not out of the realm of possibility as my 17 lb cat likes to climb up on me and snuggle during the night). I put my hands over my stomach and I felt the slightest ripple of vibration from the inside.
I could not feel it through my hands or skin, but it was an internal feeling. It was something different that I haven’t felt before, not like gas bubbles. The best way I can describe it is a ripple of vibration feather light inside. I lay there for a long time trying to feel it again before I finally managed to drift off to sleep.
This morning, while I was sitting on the bed eating cereal and watching the morning news with my dog curled up beside me listening to Steve curse at the TV over some political story (which is hilarious), I thought I felt it again. I stopped moving and sat very still, but no repeat performance.
It’s exhilarating to think that it may just well be my child! I thought I would be a little wierded out when I started feeling him/her but its so exciting I want to burst with joy. I may change my mind about that when I’m getting kicked in the ribs though.
After eating decently all weekend and working hard yesterday outside, I was very disappointed in myself when the scales were way up this morning. A total of 5 lbs up (which is 3 lbs since Friday). I know it may be bloat but I’m afraid of the dr. tomorrow. I don’t want to be yelled at since they don’t want me gaining hardly anything! LOL.
Menu Monday
I'm definately feeling the Fall season despite the fact that our weather seems to not have gotten the memo. What is with the high 80's? jeesh. In celebration of getting our pool closed this weekend, reducing the time we have to spend on outdoor work, I'm planning a menu that requires a bit of fuss this week.
Fried Chicken Tender Salad and French Onion Soup
Chicken Pot Pie
Filet Mignon with Salad and corn Chowder
Soft Taco's
Barbeque chicken with Scalloped Potatoes and Limas.
Most of this is already on my blog so not many recipes to update but I am on the hunt for a good homemade BBQ recipe so I may have atleast that to share! Don't worry though, my big baking and cooking season is upon us!
Fried Chicken Tender Salad and French Onion Soup
Chicken Pot Pie
Filet Mignon with Salad and corn Chowder
Soft Taco's
Barbeque chicken with Scalloped Potatoes and Limas.
Most of this is already on my blog so not many recipes to update but I am on the hunt for a good homemade BBQ recipe so I may have atleast that to share! Don't worry though, my big baking and cooking season is upon us!
Friday, October 8, 2010
An extra Belly Pip this week
I took another pip today because I lost 2 pounds since Wednesday's pip AND my stomach looks smaller...I must have been bloated the past few weeks. It's still hard under my belly button and the waist of my pants are getting tight but I'm not pooching as much as I was. OH well. Bloat comes and goes right? Am I just carrying really low or as I finally start really showing a bump will it fill out above my belly button too?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
15 Week update and Belly Pic
How far along? 15 weeks
Total weight gain: 4 pounds (in one week...yikes! WTF happened? I've been eating great!)
Maternity clothes? No, though another pair of pants (my jean capri's are getting tight in the waste).
Sleep: Not good. I keep waking up at 3am and having trouble getting back to sleep. I can't get comfortable anymore.
Best moment this week: ummmmm.....I don't think this week has had anything special about it.
Gender: leaning more towards boy now.
Craving: Apples
Movement: No.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In but slightly more shallow.
What I miss: SLEEP!
What I am looking forward to: Spending time with my girls this weekend.
Weekly Wisdom: Spreading the chores out and keeping the house clean has worked wonders for my stress and energy levels.
Milestones: Is gaining weight a milestone? LOL
Friendships in my Life
It’s hard letting friends pull away and have their space, even when they need it. I’ve had many friendships in my life and I’ve lost very few. I’m one of those rare people who hold onto a friendship truly through thick and thin. I have had three best friends through most of my life. After college two of those moved away and for years we continued the friendships through email, occasional visits etc. One of them drifted and now we get the occasional email once a year when we one of us is thinking of the other but for the most part we don’t really know anything about the other’s life. She’s never met my husband and I don’t know if she has children.
The other friend moved back and we recently went through a very tough patch while I was dealing with the loss of my child and she was dealing with undiagnosed Post Partum Depression. Individually we moved on but the friendship is in a weird place right now but there have been tentative feelers thrown out from each party to see if the other is receptive. We are working on it.
When I married, I made a new friend and for years she was one of my rocks as I was hers, but through a bitter separation and even odder reunification within her own marriage, the friendship between us became forced and uneasy and we both let it become a casual comment on Facebook and a hug when we run into each other thing.
I’ve developed fabulous e-ships and a network of amazing women that share both online and offline moments with me. Babyshowers, tacky sweater parties, etc. Sometimes those friendships too hit a rocky place though. It’s very difficult when you share for so long a struggle with someone, a trait that binds you even in the most horrible circumstances, and then one of you “moves on.” I’ve watched and supported many women moving on and it was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I mourned the loss of my child every day that I saw the other girls progress in their pregnancies. I cried tears of happiness and mourning when another’s child was born when our due dates had been shared. I’ve watched these precious little beings grow and everyday it’s a reminder of what Bumblebee would be doing now, the milestones he/she would have passed. Even being pregnant and looking forward to this new life, it doesn’t take the pain away from what once was my future.
Now, I’m the one who has moved on. Everyday my fear and anxiety are still very real that something is going to go wrong but at the same time I’m also able to laugh about the small things (like craving apples) and enjoy some of these little moments. Some of my girls can’t share that with me and it breaks my heart for them. I have to let them have their space and I know that’s what they need. I’ve been there so I absolutely do not want to be “too much” by checking in too often but at the same time, I’m not always sure when its been too long and I should step in and say “hey, haven’t heard from you” or “you’ve been quiet lately.”
It’s such a fine line to walk between caring and sensitive to being a reminder of what they want. I know that they need their space and my condition can be difficult for them sometimes. Because I’ve been there, and I truly understand what they are going through both on the infertility front and the being left behind front, it plagues me that I can’t BE more support. If I could fix it for you all I would. I love you and empathize with you that much and I am continuing to hold a place on my friends list for you for when you “catch up” because I believe that you all will. Even to those e-friends who aren’t as close or are going through other trials in their life right now and have drifted for the moment, I’m always here to listen, to support and to love you. Whether it is the occasional cup of coffee and chat you need from me, or hours of Facebook conversation to take your mind off of a bad day.
I’m here and I just want to remind each of you (online and off) that I’ll never forget or move on from my past. From the years of struggle and heartache. They are with me forever and no matter where I am in life, I will always understand where you are coming from and love you no matter what. I will always be an advocate for fertility education. The women I have met and bonded with over the past few years will always be a part of me no matter where my journey takes me.
The other friend moved back and we recently went through a very tough patch while I was dealing with the loss of my child and she was dealing with undiagnosed Post Partum Depression. Individually we moved on but the friendship is in a weird place right now but there have been tentative feelers thrown out from each party to see if the other is receptive. We are working on it.
When I married, I made a new friend and for years she was one of my rocks as I was hers, but through a bitter separation and even odder reunification within her own marriage, the friendship between us became forced and uneasy and we both let it become a casual comment on Facebook and a hug when we run into each other thing.
I’ve developed fabulous e-ships and a network of amazing women that share both online and offline moments with me. Babyshowers, tacky sweater parties, etc. Sometimes those friendships too hit a rocky place though. It’s very difficult when you share for so long a struggle with someone, a trait that binds you even in the most horrible circumstances, and then one of you “moves on.” I’ve watched and supported many women moving on and it was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I mourned the loss of my child every day that I saw the other girls progress in their pregnancies. I cried tears of happiness and mourning when another’s child was born when our due dates had been shared. I’ve watched these precious little beings grow and everyday it’s a reminder of what Bumblebee would be doing now, the milestones he/she would have passed. Even being pregnant and looking forward to this new life, it doesn’t take the pain away from what once was my future.
Now, I’m the one who has moved on. Everyday my fear and anxiety are still very real that something is going to go wrong but at the same time I’m also able to laugh about the small things (like craving apples) and enjoy some of these little moments. Some of my girls can’t share that with me and it breaks my heart for them. I have to let them have their space and I know that’s what they need. I’ve been there so I absolutely do not want to be “too much” by checking in too often but at the same time, I’m not always sure when its been too long and I should step in and say “hey, haven’t heard from you” or “you’ve been quiet lately.”
It’s such a fine line to walk between caring and sensitive to being a reminder of what they want. I know that they need their space and my condition can be difficult for them sometimes. Because I’ve been there, and I truly understand what they are going through both on the infertility front and the being left behind front, it plagues me that I can’t BE more support. If I could fix it for you all I would. I love you and empathize with you that much and I am continuing to hold a place on my friends list for you for when you “catch up” because I believe that you all will. Even to those e-friends who aren’t as close or are going through other trials in their life right now and have drifted for the moment, I’m always here to listen, to support and to love you. Whether it is the occasional cup of coffee and chat you need from me, or hours of Facebook conversation to take your mind off of a bad day.
I’m here and I just want to remind each of you (online and off) that I’ll never forget or move on from my past. From the years of struggle and heartache. They are with me forever and no matter where I am in life, I will always understand where you are coming from and love you no matter what. I will always be an advocate for fertility education. The women I have met and bonded with over the past few years will always be a part of me no matter where my journey takes me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
OWT: Wedding Ring Dousing
Why do I call it dousing or dowsing also known as a form of divinization? Because it is. Dowsing comes down from the German Renaissance practice of searching for water using a diving rod. It was used in other magical practices through the years via a pendulum asking the divine questions and interpreting the pendulum swings.
There are several Old Wives Tales that use this form of traditional magick probably passed down through that ages by “wise women,” the real “midwives” etc. So the next time you perform a Gender prediction “trick”, just know that it stems from a very magickal and humble pagan traditions.
Now that the lesson is over, we tried the wedding ring on a string over the tummy last night. We couldn’t get that sucker to move though. It probably doesn’t help that my Husband with hands as steady as a rock was holding it. You would think having the resident practicing Pagan in the house hold the string would produce more accurate results but NOOOOOOO he had to be difficult.
Don’t worry Jeanna, I’ll get one of my girlfriends to do it this weekend. Nothing like having a Catholic girl or an Agnostic perform a Pagan ritual on a Southern Baptist.
::giggles::
There are several Old Wives Tales that use this form of traditional magick probably passed down through that ages by “wise women,” the real “midwives” etc. So the next time you perform a Gender prediction “trick”, just know that it stems from a very magickal and humble pagan traditions.
Now that the lesson is over, we tried the wedding ring on a string over the tummy last night. We couldn’t get that sucker to move though. It probably doesn’t help that my Husband with hands as steady as a rock was holding it. You would think having the resident practicing Pagan in the house hold the string would produce more accurate results but NOOOOOOO he had to be difficult.
Don’t worry Jeanna, I’ll get one of my girlfriends to do it this weekend. Nothing like having a Catholic girl or an Agnostic perform a Pagan ritual on a Southern Baptist.
::giggles::
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