Waiting and Dreams

Has it come and gone again so soon? I’m already in another two week wait? FF hasn’t confirmed yet but by the temps, position of my cervix, pain in myute and excruciating sexual experience, I’m pretty sure I’m 3 DPO.

I didn’t do the POM juice or the pineapple this time. I am drinking green tea but that’s just because I’ve gotten to where I love it.

I’m very confident with our timing this time. (You kind of have to be with sex EVERYDAY!) Whether it will “catch” or not or if the egg was released good quality are two different things. So now we wait. Okay we continue to have sex just in case and we wait.

I freaked myself out last night. I keep remembering the truly heinous experience I had with my miscarriage and the bad reaction to the anesthesia during the d&E. I had a full blown panic attack lying in bed asking myself “how can I do this?” I’m scared to death of never having a baby. I’m more scared of pregnancy, loss, labor and having a baby!

People think that because you suffer from IF you lose all unease about pregnancy and babies because you become desperate to experience it. NOT TRUE! Honestly, my fears have grown tremendously since my miscarriage and experiences. Maybe I’m not the norm but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

On loss boards I’ve seen it said that you know when you ready when the desire to have a baby outweighs your fear. I guess that’s true because my fear isn’t stopping me from trying (now) but it (desire) certainly doesn’t make the fear shut up and go away.

Behind every hope and excitement, fear lurks. I used to be brave, brash and bold (the three B’s of bitchdom yo!) but now I’m a timid, fearful stressed out wuss. I’m living with that but it’s not easy that’s for sure.

I have one wish above and beyond a baby. When I do become pregnant again, I will be able to enjoy it and experience all that excitement and wonder and joy of pregnancy. I don’t want to live the entire time fearing loss, trying not to get attached, waiting for it to end.

I know its going to be hard, especially the first trimester. But I won’t even feel safe then because of all the late term losses I’ve witnessed. How do I ever feel true uncomplicated joy again without all this fear? I don’t want to waste anymore of my life on fear and pain and grief.
I want to live and love and be hopeful everyday that I have. If I only get 10 weeks with another baby, I want to enjoy and treasure every second of it because it may be my last opportunity to hold my child’s’ soul and heart that close to mine. I don’t want to spend 10 weeks fearing the loss and pain to come but 10 weeks treasuring the moments of carrying such precious cargo.