I had a mini meltdown this weekend. I decided to take advantage of the sales during tax free weekend and supplement my dwindling wardrobe (despite the fact that I feel our staste needs the revenue during these bleak economic times.)
After many trips to the dressing room, I ended up with one pair of black dress pants, and bile rising in my throat. I cannot begin to tell you how bad my body image is right now. Any false confidence I had despite my obesity was apparently sucked out wiht my placenta. I was so disgusted looking at myself in that mirror that I couldn't fathom buying anything even if it fit and was a good price. Nothing looked good on me.
After I left, I had to go pick up dinner. DH wanted Panera. I fought a war with myself the entire way there. "Don't eat you fat cow." "But you have to eat to make milk for Matthew." I got a chicken pannini with an apple, but was in tears before I got home. It felt like the world was crashing in on me. Everythign was wrong.
When I walked in, matthew was asleep for the night and I knew he would be up in a few hours as he never sleeps that early. So I went straigh tto bed...without eating. DH knew something was wrong, but I wouldn't talk to him. I laid in my bed and sobbed. I was hoping he would come in and lay with me (like a typical girl) but him being a typical male, he just grabbed his dinner and dug in.
When I couldn't breathe from the snot blockage and my stomach was in knots from hunger, I got up and ate some leftover chicken and rice casserole. (DH ended up eating my sandwich too!) I told him what was going on and he suggested we go shopping together on Sunday...which never happened, once again dissappointing me.
On an up note though, I finally conquered the laundry monster residing in my bedroom and found a few articles of clothing I had been missing so that improved my wardrobe!
I'm better today. i have on a jean skirt, royal blue silk tank with silver chain trim, white ruffled shrug and sandas. I feel like its flattering and I lost 2.4 lbs. I laid out my clothes for the whole week and put together a few cute outfits including accessories so I feel like my odl put together self.
I still have an internal war raging though. The one part that wants to hit dieting hardcore to drop the weight (milk supply be damned since he drinks formula anyway) justifying it by being a healtheir smaller prettier mom sooner to make his life better vs the part that says chill out, you won't be able to breastfeed much longer, do whatever to keep your meager supply up, you can diet later.
It's tough. My son is the most important thing in my life so I want to give him the best start but I also want to live as long as possible to watch him grow. I also want to be a pretty mom because pretty moms are more popular, therefore their children have more playdates, friends, etc. but thats a shallow society conversation for another day. For now, I have enough to worry about fighting with myself. I seem to have a lot of wars raging in me on different subjects. It's amazing my brain is still sane.
Showing posts with label Metformin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Metformin. Show all posts
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Breastfeeding vs. Formulafeeding
This post is not intended to start a debate between breastfeeders vs formula feeding. It is merely to express my emotional journey between the two. I have no problems with formula feeding (for other people), though I will admit that I side eye people who HAVE milk and CAN breastfeed but choose to formula feed for no medically necessary reason (boob jobs, medicines etc.) as well as those who give up because it hurts or is hard. Those opinions also are closely tied to my own journey though and I realize this.
Breastfeeding (especially in the first weeks-err months) is one of the hardest things I've done. There was a weekend that I resorted to exclusively pumping because of how painful it was, but I went back to it and gritted my teeth through the pain. I'm 4 months in and my nipples are still tender and sore but not to an unbearable degree. I can still enjoy the act of breastfeeding at this point and appreciate the bonding experience.
I have fought, cried, and emotionally abused myself to breastfeed. Thanks to PCOS, my body does not produce enough to meet my sons needs. In four months my supply has not increased at all. Period. When my milk came in, I could pump 2 ounces. Which was fine for a 3 day old. Not so much for a 3 month old. I have worked with Dr's, lactation consultants, gadgets, pumping regimens, natural remedies, foods and prescription drugs. To this day, I can still only get 2 ounces every few hours. Which means he gets 2-4 ounces of formula every few hours (except at night).
the first time I gave him formula he was 5 or 6 days old and I cried the entire time. I think I cried the whole first week while giving him a bottle. I felt like a failure as a mom and to this day, those emotions and that memory of that moment haunt me.
(Here's where formula feeding moms will really gnash their teeth.) I'm EMBARRASSED to BUY FORMULA. I won't look the cashier in the eye. It's like being a teenage girl buying a pregnancy test or condoms. I'm embarrassed to give my baby a bottle in public because people can see me mix the powder and water and know its formula. (On the other hand I won't breastfeed in public either. I will whip them out around female family members or in a public retail women's lounge or mother's room, or even in my car parked at the edge of a prking lot away from everyone but won't find me on a bench int he mall with my boob out flapping in the breeze for the world to see.) (So there I have offended both types of moms with my prudishness equally!).
I have a negative image of formula feeding (that I never had before) due to my own struggle and desire to breastfeed. I'm projecting my own fears, experiences etc. into this one act of parenting becaue of my own dissappointment. The studies and articles about the benefits of breastfeeding over formula swim through my subconcious brain to give me nightmares.
I KNOW its okay. The Dr's tell me his fine and healthy and I'm doing a good job. Everyone comments on how alert and strong he is; How good his disposition and behavior are; how clear his skin; how beautiful of a baby he is. He is getting the immunities and benefits of breastmilk and the intimate bonding of nursing two ounces at a time.
I can go on like this as long as my body produces. If I can make it to 6 months he will still have recieved a lot of benefit from my meager supply. I, however, need to reconcile with myself this negativity. I tell myself that my body sin't a failure. It gave me the most amazing little boy after years of struggle, but this is one more black mark against it. Maybe thats part of the scars of being a bitter infertile. We never quite learn how to love ourselves again (and forgive our bodies) and automatically self loathe when our bodies don't perform the way we want.
I will always struggle with breastfeeding, the way my birth went, and with my body but just as I haven't given up with breastfeeding, I won't give up on trying to forgive me, even while I die of shame when purchasing formula.
Breastfeeding (especially in the first weeks-err months) is one of the hardest things I've done. There was a weekend that I resorted to exclusively pumping because of how painful it was, but I went back to it and gritted my teeth through the pain. I'm 4 months in and my nipples are still tender and sore but not to an unbearable degree. I can still enjoy the act of breastfeeding at this point and appreciate the bonding experience.
I have fought, cried, and emotionally abused myself to breastfeed. Thanks to PCOS, my body does not produce enough to meet my sons needs. In four months my supply has not increased at all. Period. When my milk came in, I could pump 2 ounces. Which was fine for a 3 day old. Not so much for a 3 month old. I have worked with Dr's, lactation consultants, gadgets, pumping regimens, natural remedies, foods and prescription drugs. To this day, I can still only get 2 ounces every few hours. Which means he gets 2-4 ounces of formula every few hours (except at night).
the first time I gave him formula he was 5 or 6 days old and I cried the entire time. I think I cried the whole first week while giving him a bottle. I felt like a failure as a mom and to this day, those emotions and that memory of that moment haunt me.
(Here's where formula feeding moms will really gnash their teeth.) I'm EMBARRASSED to BUY FORMULA. I won't look the cashier in the eye. It's like being a teenage girl buying a pregnancy test or condoms. I'm embarrassed to give my baby a bottle in public because people can see me mix the powder and water and know its formula. (On the other hand I won't breastfeed in public either. I will whip them out around female family members or in a public retail women's lounge or mother's room, or even in my car parked at the edge of a prking lot away from everyone but won't find me on a bench int he mall with my boob out flapping in the breeze for the world to see.) (So there I have offended both types of moms with my prudishness equally!).
I have a negative image of formula feeding (that I never had before) due to my own struggle and desire to breastfeed. I'm projecting my own fears, experiences etc. into this one act of parenting becaue of my own dissappointment. The studies and articles about the benefits of breastfeeding over formula swim through my subconcious brain to give me nightmares.
I KNOW its okay. The Dr's tell me his fine and healthy and I'm doing a good job. Everyone comments on how alert and strong he is; How good his disposition and behavior are; how clear his skin; how beautiful of a baby he is. He is getting the immunities and benefits of breastmilk and the intimate bonding of nursing two ounces at a time.
I can go on like this as long as my body produces. If I can make it to 6 months he will still have recieved a lot of benefit from my meager supply. I, however, need to reconcile with myself this negativity. I tell myself that my body sin't a failure. It gave me the most amazing little boy after years of struggle, but this is one more black mark against it. Maybe thats part of the scars of being a bitter infertile. We never quite learn how to love ourselves again (and forgive our bodies) and automatically self loathe when our bodies don't perform the way we want.
I will always struggle with breastfeeding, the way my birth went, and with my body but just as I haven't given up with breastfeeding, I won't give up on trying to forgive me, even while I die of shame when purchasing formula.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Undiagnosed PCOS
I am a woman living with PCOS. To be exact, I am the one in ten women living with PCOS. PCOS is the leading hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age and the main cause of infertility. I recently stumbled across an article in Health magazine (October 2009 by Harriet Brown and Kimberly Holland) that actually speaks frankly about it as one of the top 7 women’s issues that Doctors still miss today.
PCOS is most simply a woman having an imbalance in insulin (which regulates blood sugar) and causes the typical male hormones to have too high of levels (all women have them but in a woman with PCOS, they are higher). The abnormally high levels of insulin also “bombard the ovaries, causing them to produce too much testosterone and develop cysts. Half of all women with PCOS end up with pre-diabetes or diabetes.”
Symptoms include:
Irregular periods or none at all (check)
More hair on face, chest, back, and limbs (check)
Acne (check)
Baldness (thank goodness that’s not a check for me)
Rapid, substantial weight gain that seems impossible to control(triple check and check some more)
There is no conclusive test for this disorder but several small tests plus your symptoms can help a Dr. determine a diagnosis. “Check your reproductive organs for signs of masses or growths using a pelvic or vaginal ultrasound and physical exam. Blood tests are used to measure levels of glucose and several hormones; they also can exclude abnormalities, like hypothyroidism, that mimic PCOS.”
Unfortunately, there is no fix for PCOS. There are treatments that focus on the symptoms and help with fertility issues, limiting risk of diabetes and heart disease. “Birth Control pills help regulate menstrual cycles, lower androgen levels, reduce hair growth, and clear up acne. Metformin, which controls blood glucose and lowers testosterone production, can help you lose weight.”
Birth control has its own set of side effects and risks though especially after 35 years of age.
I have dealt with PCOS since puberty even before I knew I had it. Had I been properly diagnosed back then, I may have avoided some of the things I have been through in my life and been properly prepared for the fertility issues I faced. PCOS is very real and very painful (emotionally). PCOS can also trigger other issues like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome due to the hormonal imbalance. Being diagnosed with PCOS does not provide an instant remedy or even a totally confined diagnosis/path.
What really hit home about the article is that “More than 40% of women who are eventually diagnosed…have basically been told that they’re just too concerned with their health or they’re a hypochondriac.” What it forgot to say is that we’ve also been told “there is no reason, you are just fat because you eat too much. Quit putting food in your mouth and get off your lazy arse.” Yea, because in a body conscious society when you are trying every diet known to man and nothing is working, a comment like that is going to help.
We have been stigmatized, made fun of, struggled and defined by something most of us didn’t even know we had. I’ve become a stronger person since being diagnosed. I know more about my body then I ever hoped to (with much more to learn) and I have found a passion to share my knowledge with others and teach my children so they do not suffer from ignorance.
Knowing is half the battle. Arm yourselves with knowledge and help others get the tools to fight. Through information, proper diet, modern medicine etc. we can help ourselves and others to be prepared and live with a brighter future. Pregnancy does not fix PCOS and nothing I do will ever make it go away.
PCOS is most simply a woman having an imbalance in insulin (which regulates blood sugar) and causes the typical male hormones to have too high of levels (all women have them but in a woman with PCOS, they are higher). The abnormally high levels of insulin also “bombard the ovaries, causing them to produce too much testosterone and develop cysts. Half of all women with PCOS end up with pre-diabetes or diabetes.”
Symptoms include:
Irregular periods or none at all (check)
More hair on face, chest, back, and limbs (check)
Acne (check)
Baldness (thank goodness that’s not a check for me)
Rapid, substantial weight gain that seems impossible to control(triple check and check some more)
There is no conclusive test for this disorder but several small tests plus your symptoms can help a Dr. determine a diagnosis. “Check your reproductive organs for signs of masses or growths using a pelvic or vaginal ultrasound and physical exam. Blood tests are used to measure levels of glucose and several hormones; they also can exclude abnormalities, like hypothyroidism, that mimic PCOS.”
Unfortunately, there is no fix for PCOS. There are treatments that focus on the symptoms and help with fertility issues, limiting risk of diabetes and heart disease. “Birth Control pills help regulate menstrual cycles, lower androgen levels, reduce hair growth, and clear up acne. Metformin, which controls blood glucose and lowers testosterone production, can help you lose weight.”
Birth control has its own set of side effects and risks though especially after 35 years of age.
I have dealt with PCOS since puberty even before I knew I had it. Had I been properly diagnosed back then, I may have avoided some of the things I have been through in my life and been properly prepared for the fertility issues I faced. PCOS is very real and very painful (emotionally). PCOS can also trigger other issues like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome due to the hormonal imbalance. Being diagnosed with PCOS does not provide an instant remedy or even a totally confined diagnosis/path.
What really hit home about the article is that “More than 40% of women who are eventually diagnosed…have basically been told that they’re just too concerned with their health or they’re a hypochondriac.” What it forgot to say is that we’ve also been told “there is no reason, you are just fat because you eat too much. Quit putting food in your mouth and get off your lazy arse.” Yea, because in a body conscious society when you are trying every diet known to man and nothing is working, a comment like that is going to help.
We have been stigmatized, made fun of, struggled and defined by something most of us didn’t even know we had. I’ve become a stronger person since being diagnosed. I know more about my body then I ever hoped to (with much more to learn) and I have found a passion to share my knowledge with others and teach my children so they do not suffer from ignorance.
Knowing is half the battle. Arm yourselves with knowledge and help others get the tools to fight. Through information, proper diet, modern medicine etc. we can help ourselves and others to be prepared and live with a brighter future. Pregnancy does not fix PCOS and nothing I do will ever make it go away.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Metformin
Since today has been a discussion of drugs, let's go ahead and speak of the other one. Metformin. Typically a drug used for Type II diabetes but has also been prescribed recently for PCOS sufferers as it helps regulate insulin levels and hormones which keep the body from ovulating correctly. It has its own side effects which can be attributed to my issues of late just as easily as clomid though I distinctly remember having a few issues on just the clomid last time, but the worst? was definately when I started the IF cocktail as I like to call it.
Another resource that specifically talks about the side effects? HERE. I definately have the gas. Lord Help me do I have the gas. The nausea, seems to be sporadic, thank the heavens.
There isn't really anything to say about monitoring on Met. My GP says that Metformin is one of the mildest drugs out there with the fewest side effects. (probably meaning severe) and I should feel comfortable taking it despite all my allergy issues. (that only made me feel slightly better and still took me two months before I made the commitment and popped a pill. Did I have success? Yes. I don't know WHICH med/method etc worked because on the fourth cycle of Clomid I was also on the second cycle of Metformin and then we added Preconcieve. Was it one or all of the above or coincidence? We will never know, so for now, I'm dealing with the side effects in all their plentiful glory, and praying that it works again and I dont' have to stay on it for a few more months. I want this to be our month, our cycle, our sticky egg meets sperm and hangs out for nine months. In the meantime? I'm passing on information.
Another resource that specifically talks about the side effects? HERE. I definately have the gas. Lord Help me do I have the gas. The nausea, seems to be sporadic, thank the heavens.
There isn't really anything to say about monitoring on Met. My GP says that Metformin is one of the mildest drugs out there with the fewest side effects. (probably meaning severe) and I should feel comfortable taking it despite all my allergy issues. (that only made me feel slightly better and still took me two months before I made the commitment and popped a pill. Did I have success? Yes. I don't know WHICH med/method etc worked because on the fourth cycle of Clomid I was also on the second cycle of Metformin and then we added Preconcieve. Was it one or all of the above or coincidence? We will never know, so for now, I'm dealing with the side effects in all their plentiful glory, and praying that it works again and I dont' have to stay on it for a few more months. I want this to be our month, our cycle, our sticky egg meets sperm and hangs out for nine months. In the meantime? I'm passing on information.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Beginning Again and Infertility Awareness
This week is Infertility Awareness week. Something that has not been highly publisized or recognized despite the fact that it affects 7.3 million Americans. (I don't know the figure worldwide). It is not limited to women and is a highly emotional and often complicated process for couples. It is heartbreaking, devastating and all consuming in their lives.
As you all know, I know this. I've been struggling for over three years now to have a child with one pregnancy ending towards the end of the first trimester and one chemical pregnancy. But I am, unfortunately, not alone in this fight. There are others. Hundreds of others. Like the fun and talented Jenny. The ambitious and beautiful Mrs.S. The vivacious Johanna.. The Very zen and spirited American Tribal. The beautiful and amazingly strong Jeanna. And the sweet and hopeful Dee. These women are just a FEW of the amazing women I have met that suffer along with me.
Infertility hurts. The common comfort sayings that issue from people's mouths without thought such as "Relax" and "When the time is right" do not help. Telling me you had trouble getting pregnant when it took you two months, is not even close to being comparable. Telling me you have ADHD and understand what its like to go through life broken? Bitch please. You have no idea.
For everyone out there reading this, whether you suffer from infertility or not, please educate yourselves. Spread the word this week so that other women can have the support and understanding they need. Visit sites, read statistics. Hug your friends who are suffering.
I have an amazing network of women and bloggers who are supportive. Do we always say the right things to each other even though we KNOW what catch phrases are meaningless? Absolutely not. As a society we seem to be programmed with certain "comfort" phrases that vomit forth automatically. Faith phrases may be fine for one but a slap in the face for someone else. No one is perfect. Even those that suffer from the same issues can slip up with someone else, but you can tell when someone is sincerely offering understanding and comfort from someone who just has diahrea of the mouth and is clueless. No matter what though, they need understanding. Just shut up and listen sometimes. You can't fix it. Nothing you say will fix it or make it go away or make it easier. Infertility is a lonely dark road full of depression, excitement, and fear. It's often a long journey with crossroads, straying paths, and broken bridges. It's a journey that so many of us are forced to take without choice.
It is not my job as an infertile woman to provide a home for all the orphans out there. Could that be a possibility in our future. Yes. By all means it may be. But I will not adopt a child as a substitute for a biological child. I will adopt one because I want to. So please don't say "you can always adopt." Adoption comes with its own heartaches, struggles, budget and pitfalls. It's a beautiful and amazing thing but its not the answer for everyone and is not the responsibility of those of us who have trouble. Life isn't fair but we shouldn't be looked down upon as inferior because of a medical condition that we have no control over. Again, Educate yourselves and those around you. You never know who is going to go through this that you may know.
And with that, I will end by saying it is fitting in a way, that this week I finally stepped up to the plate. I took my medicine. Literally. Last night was the first night of clomid. We are TTC with medical help once again. So in this week, while I stand up and recognize Infertility for everyone and encourage you to spread the word for all of us, I continue the effort for that one thing that will complete us...a baby of our own.
All my love to all my girls and I pray that 2011 will be a wonderful birth year for our little ones.
As you all know, I know this. I've been struggling for over three years now to have a child with one pregnancy ending towards the end of the first trimester and one chemical pregnancy. But I am, unfortunately, not alone in this fight. There are others. Hundreds of others. Like the fun and talented Jenny. The ambitious and beautiful Mrs.S. The vivacious Johanna.. The Very zen and spirited American Tribal. The beautiful and amazingly strong Jeanna. And the sweet and hopeful Dee. These women are just a FEW of the amazing women I have met that suffer along with me.
Infertility hurts. The common comfort sayings that issue from people's mouths without thought such as "Relax" and "When the time is right" do not help. Telling me you had trouble getting pregnant when it took you two months, is not even close to being comparable. Telling me you have ADHD and understand what its like to go through life broken? Bitch please. You have no idea.
For everyone out there reading this, whether you suffer from infertility or not, please educate yourselves. Spread the word this week so that other women can have the support and understanding they need. Visit sites, read statistics. Hug your friends who are suffering.
I have an amazing network of women and bloggers who are supportive. Do we always say the right things to each other even though we KNOW what catch phrases are meaningless? Absolutely not. As a society we seem to be programmed with certain "comfort" phrases that vomit forth automatically. Faith phrases may be fine for one but a slap in the face for someone else. No one is perfect. Even those that suffer from the same issues can slip up with someone else, but you can tell when someone is sincerely offering understanding and comfort from someone who just has diahrea of the mouth and is clueless. No matter what though, they need understanding. Just shut up and listen sometimes. You can't fix it. Nothing you say will fix it or make it go away or make it easier. Infertility is a lonely dark road full of depression, excitement, and fear. It's often a long journey with crossroads, straying paths, and broken bridges. It's a journey that so many of us are forced to take without choice.
It is not my job as an infertile woman to provide a home for all the orphans out there. Could that be a possibility in our future. Yes. By all means it may be. But I will not adopt a child as a substitute for a biological child. I will adopt one because I want to. So please don't say "you can always adopt." Adoption comes with its own heartaches, struggles, budget and pitfalls. It's a beautiful and amazing thing but its not the answer for everyone and is not the responsibility of those of us who have trouble. Life isn't fair but we shouldn't be looked down upon as inferior because of a medical condition that we have no control over. Again, Educate yourselves and those around you. You never know who is going to go through this that you may know.
And with that, I will end by saying it is fitting in a way, that this week I finally stepped up to the plate. I took my medicine. Literally. Last night was the first night of clomid. We are TTC with medical help once again. So in this week, while I stand up and recognize Infertility for everyone and encourage you to spread the word for all of us, I continue the effort for that one thing that will complete us...a baby of our own.
All my love to all my girls and I pray that 2011 will be a wonderful birth year for our little ones.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Too Soon?
Is it too soon to contribute dizzyness, nausea, and headaches to side effects of metformin since I've only taken the first one last night?
I'm barely on "this side" of feeling like utter crap. YUCK.
I'm barely on "this side" of feeling like utter crap. YUCK.
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