Santa's Binge Eating Issue

I was joking earlier today on Facebook when I posted "mmmmm then again, these ginger butterscotch cookies are pretty scrumptious too. Maybe I should leave carrot sticks and celery for Santa and save him from his bad binge habits. I mean really, I would only be doing him a favor by keeping these cookies for myself right? The best gift I could give Santa and his OLD ASS JOLLY self would be one more year without a cholesterol fueled artery clogged heartattack. So that settles it: Santa is getting a bottle of water, carrots and celery and a Bayer aspirin. I'm sure he will thank me. ::nomscookies::"

Honestly it made me think though. Being an overweight person, I have pretty much dieted since I was a teenager. I struggle with my weight. In today's ever increasing waistline of a world, we are bombarded with Biggest Loser, Weight Watchers, etc. day in and day out. Guilt assaults us when we have a dessert. We struggle to teach our kids good eating habits and exercise to combat a generation of video game addicts. "Too Fat for Fifteen" wars with Fast Food Commercials and we as parents worry about how to best keep our children healthy and educate them about the issue.

Except at Christmas time. At Christmas we parade out the Jolly much loved FAT GUY who brings them toys in exchange for cookies and milk. It's okay for this guy to binge eat on cookies, in fact we train our kids to bribe him with fattening snacks, but they have to understand its not okay for them? I get that we only leave a serving size (or two) out for him but times that by millions of homes and I'm surprised this guy doesn't kill over before the night is through. We can chalk it up to him being magic and burning a crap ton of calories going up and down chimneys but obviously his calorie intake far exceeds his output since he's so rotund his Belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly. (and how do you not imagine Bill Cosby in a Santa Suit everytime you hear that line?)

Maybe society should tone down Santa's girth and put HIM on a diet like the rest of us. We may not need so many gym memberships and New Years resolutions if we really did start leaving healthy snacks for Santa.

My joke turned into truth. I really am putting out celery and carrots this year...but just in case, I'm leaving cookies as well. I don't want to piss of Jolly Old St. Nick on Matthew's first year. He will either be pleased I'm thinking of his healthy and giving him options or be pleased that I thought of snacks for his reindeer. Either way, I've got Matthew covered! ha ha

The Diet War

I had a mini meltdown this weekend. I decided to take advantage of the sales during tax free weekend and supplement my dwindling wardrobe (despite the fact that I feel our staste needs the revenue during these bleak economic times.)

After many trips to the dressing room, I ended up with one pair of black dress pants, and bile rising in my throat. I cannot begin to tell you how bad my body image is right now. Any false confidence I had despite my obesity was apparently sucked out wiht my placenta. I was so disgusted looking at myself in that mirror that I couldn't fathom buying anything even if it fit and was a good price. Nothing looked good on me.

After I left, I had to go pick up dinner. DH wanted Panera. I fought a war with myself the entire way there. "Don't eat you fat cow." "But you have to eat to make milk for Matthew." I got a chicken pannini with an apple, but was in tears before I got home. It felt like the world was crashing in on me. Everythign was wrong.

When I walked in, matthew was asleep for the night and I knew he would be up in a few hours as he never sleeps that early. So I went straigh tto bed...without eating. DH knew something was wrong, but I wouldn't talk to him. I laid in my bed and sobbed. I was hoping he would come in and lay with me (like a typical girl) but him being a typical male, he just grabbed his dinner and dug in.

When I couldn't breathe from the snot blockage and my stomach was in knots from hunger, I got up and ate some leftover chicken and rice casserole. (DH ended up eating my sandwich too!) I told him what was going on and he suggested we go shopping together on Sunday...which never happened, once again dissappointing me.

On an up note though, I finally conquered the laundry monster residing in my bedroom and found a few articles of clothing I had been missing so that improved my wardrobe!

I'm better today. i have on a jean skirt, royal blue silk tank with silver chain trim, white ruffled shrug and sandas. I feel like its flattering and I lost 2.4 lbs. I laid out my clothes for the whole week and put together a few cute outfits including accessories so I feel like my odl put together self.

I still have an internal war raging though. The one part that wants to hit dieting hardcore to drop the weight (milk supply be damned since he drinks formula anyway) justifying it by being a healtheir smaller prettier mom sooner to make his life better vs the part that says chill out, you won't be able to breastfeed much longer, do whatever to keep your meager supply up, you can diet later.

It's tough. My son is the most important thing in my life so I want to give him the best start but I also want to live as long as possible to watch him grow. I also want to be a pretty mom because pretty moms are more popular, therefore their children have more playdates, friends, etc. but thats a shallow society conversation for another day. For now, I have enough to worry about fighting with myself. I seem to have a lot of wars raging in me on different subjects. It's amazing my brain is still sane.

Return

The coffee is brewing. The morning news is on and my baby is eating breakfast. Today I go back to work.

Last week I got off track with the diet. I didnt count points. I ate too much fast food but i want to say my milk supply seemed better so I went with it. This weekend I just enjoyed my son and anniversary cake. Lots of cake. oops And it showed on the scale. I gained a pound. But I know what I did and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Just get back on track and keep on trucking.

But today as I start life as a working mom Ive packed up whole wheat bagels and fruit and water to take to work. Ive noticed the easiest things to take that are healthy are carb foods. Sammies, bagels, etc. To be lower carb for my pcos is always difficult when working. What foods do you eat while on the go?

Today I get back on track and will see how things are affecting my supply as I join the ranks of daytime pumpers.

Whoa, Bessy, slow it down

Yea, I just called myself a cow...but in a loving way. ;)

2.2. That was my official weightloss for the week. This was a wierd week. Thursday night I made dinner and had been tracking my food and doing well and then about thirty minutes later I got violently ill. We are guessing Food Poisoning but it was miserable. I lost over 5lbs in one night but I knew it needed to come back because I lost a lot of fluid. For several days I lost my appetite. I lived off Cola and gatorade. Yesterday I finally ate a few meals. Mostly carbs. I finally gained a few pounds back when I weighed this morning. It's a dissappointment but I knew I would and needed to so its fine.


Weight Watchers actually fussed at me though. My average is 2.8lbs per week which is too fast for their preferences. I'm torn. I love that I'm losing and I feel so much better about myself just a mere 11.3 lbs later (in four weeks). I'm about five pounds from achieving my firt WW goal and 16lbs from prepregnancy weight. BUT I do not wish to do anything that would negatively affect my body or my milk supply as I'm doing all of this for my son. To be a healthy a mom and be here for him for as long as I can be. So its a fight within my brain to actively SLOW my weightloss. A foreign concept for sure!

Change is in the air though. This is my last week at home. ::tear:: I think going back to work will be good for my body, mind and even weightloss. It will be a schedule with a mixture of adult time, mental stimulation, and set eating (plus prepared meals to take with me). But it will be bad on my heart which will be at home with my baby boy. I hope the emotional turmoil of adjustment does not negatively affect my progress.

I still need to work more activity into my routine preferably without spending more time away from my son. This is one area I have not grasped yet. Any tips or advice or encouragement in that aspect would be appreciated. How do you work exercise in around an infant and a full work schedule. With DH working and in school I sometimes feel like a single parent. How do single parents work in exercise etc? I admire their stamina because I'm not sure I could do it 24/7 and retain my sanity. Seriously.

Catching a Wave

Sometimes we have to learn a lesson over and over again before it actually sinks in. We get ahead of ourselves.

I'm an intelligent person (although I feel like several of my more mechanically inclined braincells exited along with my placenta). Sometimes I think a little higher of my abilities then I should. I go along keeping up with finances, expenses, and most recently WW points in my head. This almost always gets my slightly in trouble. Spending more than I budgeted, having overdraft kick in, and of course going over my points.

The past few days I have been more active. I actually took a day to go shopping with a girlfriend and catch a movie (Bridesmaids is fantastic btw). I ate fast food. I knew the points of what I got but I didn't take the time to write them down every day. I went over but not over the weekly points. I also increased my food a little bit this week to purposefully dip into the weekly points because I noticed i seemed to have more breastmilk. So all in all I stayed on track but I didn't do as well as I should have.

After working out midweek I had seen a new low number on the scale. I was down 11 lbs from start point, but that wasn't my official weigh in day. Then after the weekend fast food shenanigans, I was a little nervous to get on the scales this morning. 1.9lbs from last week. The good news is it is a loss. I'm trying to hold to the information that as a nursing mother I am not supposed to lose more than 1lb per week so as not to affect my milk supply so in that sense I'm on track. And my milk has been better the past few days than ever before. Still not enough but I seem to be supplementing him a little less.

But as an overweight woman with newly developed body image issues, its hard to see the scale go up even a little bit and know that it was my choice of foods. I could have made better choices, eaten out less and still kept food in my system to keep up my milk supply that would have been better for the scale. Its as simple as that.

I will hug tight my 1.9 lb loss for a total of 9.1 lbs in three weeks. I'm still on track. I didn't fall off the wagon and I didn't let the "setback" knock me down. I regrouped this morning and kissed up to my WW Online tools. I was forgiven and am currently please with myself typing this while I munch on a whole wheat raisen bagel and a banana.

We are women. We are constantly changing, improving, slipping but we continue. I'm growing as a mother, a human, a wife, and a future thin person. Weightloss is like a waterpark. Sweating in a long line, tired of climbing the steep steps for a 3 second refreshing drop, only to do it again. I'll keep aiming for the big slides and Fighting the Wave Pool and be happy with the simple Kiddie Hills along the way. I just have to remember as relaxing as it may be, i have to stay out of the Lazy River ride.
Photo Credit

Honesty is a Weighty Subject

I had a breakthrough/breakdown (depending on how you look at it) last weekend. I organized my belly pictures from pregnancy and realized how good I had looked losing the 46lbs last year...even though I had more to lose.

Then I saw a picture of myself taken memorial sunday visiting friends and ZOMG. I look horrendous. I do not look like I've only gained 24lbs. OH NO. I realized how bad my stomach rolls pooch out thanks to numbness and no more stomach muscles thanks to pregnancy and a c-section. I realized how far my hips had spread despite not getting to actually go through birth vaginally. To top off the trifecta of body alteration hell, my already flat fat ass is now sagging right along with my boobs. I look 100 lbs bigger rather than 24.


AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! FRUMP monster anyone? I'm facing what I actually look like post pardum and it scares the hell out of me. I don't look like myself and I don't look like I feel.

I do know this. I will not look like this forever. I may never be able to straighten out the wierd dip where my C-section scar is, I may always have some numbness and sagging there but I can REDUCE the fat. I can become stronger and if I'm never thin (because I've rarely been truly thin in my life) I can atleast show my kids that I'm always trying, active and eating healthy. I can instill good examples because I refuse to believe that my chance at looking like I want is over. I'm just getting started.

In two weeks I have lost 8 pounds via weight watchers. That people is progress. So you may snicker that I posted this horrible picture of myself and laugh at how big I've become. You may gasp behind your computer screens at "OMG she's huge. WHO KNEW?!" but I'm being honest with myself, with you. I'm holding accountable my body.

I'm being proactive and making changes. I have a son to live for, to be healthy for and I refuse to feel bad about myself in a few years when I need to be focused on his activities and his giggles and smiles. I may never wear a bikini but I will like myself in a sedate one piece while tossing my baby in the air and down into the water of our pool no matter who is around. I will not live my life trying to hide my body through THICK and THIN. I am who I am and I can say that no matter what people think of me, I'm always trying.

I don't WANT to look like this. So when you pass me (or anyone else) don't feel sorry for me. Just pray for me and know that my story isn't over. This isn't what I will face in the mirror everyday. I will always try for the rest of my life and I'm doing a damn good job at it.

Honesty is a Weighty Subject

I had a breakthrough/breakdown (depending on how you look at it) last weekend. I organized my belly pictures from pregnancy and realized how good I had looked losing the 46lbs last year...even though I had more to lose.

Then I saw a picture of myself taken memorial sunday visiting friends and ZOMG. I look horrendous. I do not look like I've only gained 24lbs. OH NO. I realized how bad my stomach rolls pooch out thanks to numbness and no more stomach muscles thanks to pregnancy and a c-section. I realized how far my hips had spread despite not getting to actually go through birth vaginally. To top off the trifecta of body alteration hell, my already flat fat ass is now sagging right along with my boobs. I look 100 lbs bigger rather than 24.


AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! FRUMP monster anyone? I'm facing what I actually look like post pardum and it scares the hell out of me. I don't look like myself and I don't look like I feel.

I do know this. I will not look like this forever. I may never be able to straighten out the wierd dip where my C-section scar is, I may always have some numbness and sagging there but I can REDUCE the fat. I can become stronger and if I'm never thin (because I've rarely been truly thin in my life) I can atleast show my kids that I'm always trying, active and eating healthy. I can instill good examples because I refuse to believe that my chance at looking like I want is over. I'm just getting started.

In two weeks I have lost 8 pounds via weight watchers. That people is progress. So you may snicker that I posted this horrible picture of myself and laugh at how big I've become. You may gasp behind your computer screens at "OMG she's huge. WHO KNEW?!" but I'm being honest with myself, with you. I'm holding accountable my body.

I'm being proactive and making changes. I have a son to live for, to be healthy for and I refuse to feel bad about myself in a few years when I need to be focused on his activities and his giggles and smiles. I may never wear a bikini but I will like myself in a sedate one piece while tossing my baby in the air and down into the water of our pool no matter who is around. I will not live my life trying to hide my body through THICK and THIN. I am who I am and I can say that no matter what people think of me, I'm always trying.

I don't WANT to look like this. So when you pass me (or anyone else) don't feel sorry for me. Just pray for me and know that my story isn't over. This isn't what I will face in the mirror everyday. I will always try for the rest of my life and I'm doing a damn good job at it.

Back on the McFatty Train

Back before pregnancy I participated in Heir To Blair's McFatty Monday posts. In 6 months I had lost 46 lbs and was battling a plateau when I finally got pregnant. During pregnancy I was bound and determined to gain no more than 15lbs. Up until half way through I had not gained anything, and then the pounds packed on. I think part of me did get a little slack but the biggest part is that I quit exercising and didn't adjust my food to account for that.

I am embarrased to say that I put on 44lbs during pregnancy. While in the hospital I gained 10 lbs in fluid and was a swollen blimp. I can't stand looking at the pictures from the hospital. My follow up appointment the next week to have my staples removed I had lost 32lbs leaving me with 22 to lose before reaching prepregnancy weight (and then still a whole lot more). Two weeks later I was at the exact same weight. Nothing lost.

I put off thinking about weight loss for a bit as I was struggling with making enough milk and having to supplement formula. One of my problems was I WASn't eating throughout the day due to constantly dealing/holding a fussy baby and shoving whatever I could get my hands on in my mouth once or twice a day (a lot of it being straight carbs for quick energy as I was sleep deprived as well). The result was still not enough milk (thanks to PCOS) and I gained 5lbs after starting to take the fenugreek and eating more (carbs).

So after much research and struggling with milk supply and seeing a Lactation Consultant and my Dr's etc. multiple times, I decided dieting appropriately was probably more condusive to a healthy milk supply (if I'm ever going to get one) as going the way things are now. I'm joining weightwatchers online as they have a program that takes into consideration nursing moms. I'm also going back to a lower carb lifestyle. Carb loaded foods are easy and quick so that's what I've been eating but that is the exact wrong thing for my PCOS body.

This weekend I picked up veggies and fruits at the Farmer's Market, whole wheat pastas and English Muffins at the store, lots of spinach and lean meats. I started yesterday eating through the day (starting off with my lactation inducing oatmeal fix -that so far hasn't helped a whole lot) and finishing off with brown rice, fresh spinach, roasted veggies and baked chicken.

This morning? I've already lost two pounds and yesterday I had more energy despite a sleepless night. Last night was fantastic. We slept well and he has been a happy baby this morning.

So here I go. Back on the McFatty monday Train armed with Weight Watchers Online, low carb options, Zumba DVD's, 30 Day Shred DVD and a stroller and treadmill. I have the tools, now I just need to put everything in practise and make it a priority so that I already have the habits when I go back to work in a few weeks. I've put myself on the back burner adjusting to life as a new mom and a milk cow with low supply. My baby is priority but I have to keep focused on making me a priority so that I am a better parent and a healthy one that will be here for him.

Wish me Luck.

an Ode to Future McFatty Mondays

I am not currently participating, as all I'm doing is trying to maintain through pregnancy and as we all know that hasn't been going so well. Hello, week 30 with a gain of 22lbs. So anywho, I am excited about one thing: I BOUGHT A JOGGING STROLLER THIS WEEKEND. I don't jog. I don't run. I will stroll from a burning building inhaling smoke versus getting out of breath in order to reach fresh air.

Over the past few months though, I have been inspired and DH and I agreed to "train" for a marathon. Our first goal is to do a 5k next fall: either a Susan G Komen or a Turkey Trot.

I did not register for a jogging stroller as its not a necessity at this point and its something WE want to do and would pick up later when he's a few months old. However, we came across one at Target on clearance for a ridiculously low price. Total: $53.00.

I'm totally stoked. So much that it is currently hanging out in my livingroom to keep me inspired. I want to put my cat in it and go for a job but the baby pressing on my sciatic nerve causing my legs and feet to randomly go numb prevents me from doing so. The cat can thank the baby later.

Have no fear ladies, I will be back in the McFatty Monday game soon...and with a vengeance. Keep up the good work gals!

I'm Dreaming of McFatty Mondays

I actually miss dieting. (I can’t believe I actually said those words aloud and put them in writing.) I miss the conscious effort of food to exercise ratio to results on a scale. Pregnancy counteracts that equation in every way. I eat well, watch my portions, do some exercise and the scale goes up. It’s a mind-fuck after years of it working the other way.

It is very difficult to find a balance between eating well for pregnancy and dieting in order to NOT gain weight by doctor’s orders. I don’t seem to be able to grasp the concept. So I’m focusing on all the ways I’m going to LOSE the weight after HLB is born.

For years, I had trouble losing weight for myself. I walked the line of trying and wanting to be that healthy version of me and then I started getting the hang of it and eating to suit my body with the new information I have. Now, it’s a whole different story.

I want to be everything I can be, as healthy as I can be for my son. I want to be an active pretty mom that sets a good example and has the energy to go to all his events and play in the yard even after a full day of work and housework. I’m already going to be an “old” mom (which hopefully in today’s society isn’t as noticeable) but I don’t want to be an ugly fat one on top of that.

I have new directions, new goals, new inspiration to be the absolute best and live a very full life so that my SON has the best childhood and experiences that I can give him and that includes being able to keep up with him and play in the yard, go hiking, go riding, and not pass out on the sofa as soon as I hit the door. Some people let themselves go as a mother blaming lack of time on the children.

I can’t imagine, because I want to take care of myself MORE now FOR my child.

Not Really a McFatty Monday but kinda sorta ;)

I know I said I wouldn’t really do any more McFatty Monday updates but I feel it is very important to mention here that I am back down to my pregnancy start weight. The week after I found out I was pregnant, my weight ballooned up almost 8 pounds overnight. I realized it was probably bloat but as the time passed, I panicked that the bloat wasn’t going away. Because I’m already overweight, I have to watch my weight during pregnancy very carefully so I don’t gain too much.

Last week, it finally left. I was back down to my start weight. I have been trying to eat healthy but there are some days I just don’t care. It’s not like I have had cravings, or food aversions, or even morning sickness (Praise the Lord!) but sometimes I just WANT or don’t want something. So far this pregnancy, the most prevalent food choice is Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. I should buy stock in that company for the next 7 months. I don’t always get my water in, like yesterday though most of the time I’m very good about it. I’m still trying to stay away from soft drinks but the fizzy sweet goodness really hit the spot the past week, so ginger ale has become my carbonated drink of choice. I figure it is slightly better for me than mountain dew at least and I try to limit myself to one if any.

After this weekend, I pretty much let myself have what I want as we did a LOT of walking at the zoo. We had a blast, I was sore for days (still am). So I didn’t really limit my intake because I felt dehydrated and run down energy wise when it was over. I am happy to report that my weight has not gone up again! YAY! So I guess what I ate balanced out with all that exercise! LOL

I’m starting to get a tiny bit nervous now that the ultrasound is getting close. It’s NEXT week. Granted its next FRIDAY so its practically two weeks away but its still NEXT week. I’m praying so hard that everything is great. According to my O date, I will be 8 weeks and 3 days which I believe is older than BB made it (though we didn’t find out till 10 weeks). According to my last ultrasound I will be 7 weeks 4 days so just under that mark. I am really hoping we have a strong heart beat and are measuring with my O date. That would make me feel a lot better! Until then, I guess the only thing I can do is keep trucking along, trying to get my water in, eating well and taking my vitamins.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is going into this week feeling positive and upbeat. I am for the most part.

The Last McFatty Monday till 2011

This will probably be my last McFatty Monday update. Last week, we achieved pregnancy and I’m very ecstatic. Fearful but ecstatic. We got our first beta numbers in. At 14dpo- 155 with a progesterone level of 50.2. At 16dpo=320 with a progesterone level of 52.

My first OB appointment is this afternoon. While I will continue to follow everyone’s weightloss journeys, trying to exercise regularly and eat well, I will not be focused on LOSING weight during pregnancy of course so I will just be monitoring my weight gain (or hopefully lack thereof for awhile) during weekly pregnancy updates.

This is going to be quite difficult as I’ve been a starvin’ marvin for the past week. It’s quite bizarre. Even before I knew I was pregnant I was suddenly getting hungry (to the point of stomach twisting, almost gagging because I was so hungry) every few hours. It’s continued for a week. The odd thing was, I was losing weight. By Friday I had dropped four pounds (from Monday). Today I am back up three so it must have been a fluke caused by nerves or something (or else that steak I had this weekend packed on the pounds!)…oh wait….scratch that…steak and ICECREAM. I forgot I had a Bruster’s brownie sundae yesterday. (on top of homemade creamed corn over a buttermilk biscuit). Okay…OKAY..so I was a pig this weekend but it was so good. I would like to see the person that turns down southern creamed corn and fluffy biscuits OR a brownie sundae after a day of swimming in the insane heat and sun. I’ll be extra cautious this week.

Anyway, I’m very thankful that I participated in this and dropped the weight I did and look forward to participating again after a healthy baby is born. Fingers crossed! I wish lots of luck and love to all my girls who are still on the weight loss journey. Do not give up. I predict you will all be skinny minis by the time I’m a hugely pregnant woman begging to give birth soon so that I can see my feet once more.

Treading Water

Do you ever just stop when you are swimming and gently tread water and look around you? You take in the sky, the trees, the sounds of summer and wonder how you can miss this stuff on a consistent basis because you are so busy trying to get through the next thing. My days have become small increments of getting through. I get through work by blocking off my day in increments and counting down the increments. I get through the week waiting for the weekend. I push myself into getting a certain number of things done per evening, per week etc. My life goes into a tailspin if it gets out of hand because I lose control in my mind.

I am so out of control in some areas that I’m obsessive about others. The result is that I don’t always stop and enjoy just treading water. I don’t take the time to feel the coolness against my skin, the feeling of freedom from gravity, the joy in the song of a bird, and the sun shining on my face.

I’m not happy at work. My job is boring and it’s just a job. There is nothing exciting or challenging or even remotely stimulating about it. It is merely a paycheck to keep a roof over our head and health insurance. A trained monkey could do my job. I think my job would be more interesting if they would give me some freedom, let go of the short leash they have me on, quit micromanaging me and let me actually DO my job and work with my vendors and customers. However, I feel that I’m just the paper pusher behind the scenes, stifled in a corner while other people get to go DO. It’s suffocating. I don’t look forward to going to work in any remote way. I only look forward to going home and thus the past 2 ½ years of my life have passed in this manner. I’m only thankful that I HAVE A job in this economy.

The summer is half over and I have not taken the time NOT ONCE, to lie out in the pool. This used to be one of my favorite pass times. I could easily have given Sookie Stackhouse a run for her money in the tan department. I have not thrown ONE pool party or dinner party. My deck isn’t even cleaned off nor is the patio around the pool. The lawn furniture has not been cleaned because we haven’t used it.

Instead, this summer has been one giant unending cycle of cleaning house, working in the garden, preserving foods, stressing out and trying to overbook myself to keep me from thinking. I’ve been planning huge 60th birthday parties, Infertility Journey group for church, exercise sessions with friends, fall garden projects, but I haven’t just enjoyed the stage I am in, which is mid summer, with veggies coming in, opportunities to fire up the grill and eat healthy. I’ve barely used anything from my garden…it has gone into cans and in freezer bags for the winter and we have been living off sandwiches and quick heavy pasta’s because I’m so busy dealing with the produce. I haven’t even ENJOYED canning, I’m just doing it to get it done. Then what do I do? I complain about it.

This blog that was going to be full of fun and insight and keeping me sane has gone down hill on a consistent basis to drivel about weightloss plateaus and disappointing charts. I keep making promises to myself to pull my bootstraps up and start writing something worth reading again, but I don’t even take the time to do that.

I’m being forced on a TTC break thanks to a ruptured cyst and resulting infection. I’m not happy about it at all. I want to cry if I let myself think too long on it but the choice has been taken from me. I’ve been living with constant pain and soreness in my abdomen for two weeks now. I start antibiotics today. Follow up appt next Monday.

For the next month, I can solely focus on my weight/diet and LIVING. I don’t want to look back and say “I wasted five years of my life waiting on a child that never came.” Right now, I look back and feel that I’ve wasted so much of the last three years of my life being obsessed with that next phase of our family that I’ve lost precious time of just living. I read back over this blog and I’ve had this same argument several times so I am at a loss of how to actually accomplish living. How do you learn how to live?

I’m relatively happy. I’m not depressed. I appreciate so many things in my life and I try to be thankful for those and focus on those: the joy of dogs who love me like crazy, a supportive husband, my ability to turn a few ingredients into an orgasm for your mouth, a ripe tomato, a lovely home that has stood through many a storm (even if the moldings, cabinets and counters are stuck in the 80’s). I have recently rediscovered my love for going to the movies with my husband. An activity we abandoned some time ago due to the expense but we have taken it up again as “us” time in our busy schedules.

How do you live? What activities make you feel your life means something? I keep moving in the direction of trying to help others through their infertility struggles, starting groups etc but I’m having second thoughts on this. I feel like it’s dragging me down in the same muck that I’m stuck in now and I need to get OUT of the mire, not further immersed. I need a break from my own fertility issues and maybe giving it “a bigger meaning” by helping others isn’t the best way to do that In this moment.

McFatty Monday update: still stuck on the plateau. No loss this week. Going to work on furthering the low carb endeavors and working out harder.

I really want to write. I love to write, but if I don’t talk about fertility or weightloss, what would be interesting for anyone to read much less me to write? I’m in a very confused moment right now. Before posting this, I ran over to Blair's Blog to see what her questions of the day are and saw this paragraph:

Why is it that weight loss is such a journey? (& why does it always feel like such a whiney one?) I wish I could wave a magic wand that made every week be fantastic, that made medications not alter appetite, that made it easy to admit that I just couldn’t hack it when it came to losing another round of big numbers. Is it because I’m afraid of success? Am I afraid to be deserving of good things, to want good things for myself, & to make them happen? In weight loss, but maybe even in life?

I wanted to weep because she always sums everything up so well and I feel the same way but not just about weightloss....about fertility. I am definately struggling right now trying not to think that I deserve what I get (or don't get) because I haven't done enough or worked hard enough or I'm not perfect enough, or nice enough. As for that question? Sometimes I wonder what I've learned about myself through this journey. Everytime I think I've learned a lesson, I have to relearn it.

McFatty Monday: Finally a little progress!

Another week has come and gone. It’s insane how fast the time is going. Summer is half over, fall is just around the corner. I feel like I need to start Christmas shopping!

I finally started exercising this week on a consistent basis. A dear friend of mine, Beth, has been driving over with her dog and we have been walking ½ mile to a mile and then swimming laps afterwards. Our workouts have been consistently about an hour. On the few days she hasn’t come, I have done about 30 minutes in the pool. So last week I worked out Tuesday through Sunday, everyday in addition to gardening for several hours.

So how did I do on the food portion? Well, not great but not bad. My carb intake was WAY Too high but my calories and nutrition wasn’t bad. See, I have this little problem in the summer time. It’s called a fresh ripe tomato. When I have those in my garden I practically LIVE on turkey, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. They are so yummy, quick and I don’t feel weighted down afterward. I tried to stir things up with baked chicken, garden salads and boiled eggs. I had another little issue: Homemade Blueberry muffins with fresh picked blueberries. Again, CARBS.

My portion sizes weren’t bad, none of the items were that bad, but again, with PCOS I’m supposed to stay away from the carbs: sandwich bread, muffins, and fruit…all carbs. ::sigh::

Then last night disaster struck. Yesterday afternoon during our workout after church, I was hit with sharp abdominal pain. I went in to use the potty and was immediately wracked with coughing, puking, stabbing pain. It was awful. It was a throwback to my cyst rupturing, my gall bladder going bad and even my m/c pain though not quite as severe. Enough to have me crying and curled up in the fetal position though. My husband brought me some of the oxycodine pills from my M/C aftermath and that helped dull the pain and let me sleep through part of it. My parents came down and I was not up to swimming with them again or grilling out as I had never made it to the grocery store anyway. So we ordered pizza. I ate two slices of Pizza Hut, Stuffed Crust Veggie Pizza with no sauce.

A little ray of sunshine this morning was that I had lost two pounds, despite the pizza. So that’s good right? I’ve got to keep the exercising up! I think that’s the answer to getting over this weight loss hump. Hopefully this abdominal pain will go away soon. It’s been somewhat manageable this morning but it has already flared up on me once today causing me quite a bit of discomfort and agony here at work. I have a Dr’s appt scheduled at 3. Maybe I will get some answers in a few hours.

Between the abdominal pain and the classes at church (we are moving forward with starting a community/church group for IF/loss sufferers in our area) the next two nights in addition to possible storms, I do not foresee being able to workout in the next two days but I’m not letting that deter me. I am planning on Wednesday being back on the exercise wagon. Really, two days off a week is not going to affect my exercise. Many people workout every other day anyway.

So this week is going to be yet another busy week with gardening, canning, classes, working out, work meetings and then preparing for the in-laws visit this weekend (which means cleaning my house!).

In other news, my chart looks half way decent this month. FF has flip flopped between day 16 and 17 for O so I’m not sure how good our timing is though. For now, I will hold out a little hope as it’s the most decent looking chart we’ve had since starting the Clomid again.

I will probably test on Sunday if it still looks good so that if by chance I get a BFP I can get into the Dr. on Monday for Progesterone and Beta tests. Fingers crossed.

How is everyone else doing this week?

Metta (who hosted McFatty Monday this week and did an excellent job! You go girl and rock out that bathing suit!) asks

How are you working through body image issues? What do you do when you find yourself on your own ledges of self loathing? How do you want to help your little ones, boys and girls, love themselves no matter what?

Having always been overweight, I'm very self concious but I overcompensate for that sometimes by being a bitch. It's one of my biggest flaws (besides my roly poly stomach and waving underarms). I am proud of myself because I rarely give up. I threaten to, and I fall off the bandwagon, but in my life I have accomplished a lot and I hold my head high and DARE people to say anything to me about my flaws which includes my weight. There are more important things than a svelt physique thought being healthy should never be discounted. I try to remember everything I am good at and what my accomplishments are when I get on those loathsome ledges. I want to make sure that my children are very active and love being involved in activities that they enjoy so that they too have positive outlets. I want to insure that they have good habits in exercise and eating but also that they respect people's struggles and mind their manners. I will reinforce that all people are beautiful and as long as they continue to try and never give up on themselves, they should always hold their head high and be proud. Tomorrow is another day of this life's adventure.

McFatty monday

Another Monday. Another Weigh in. Let’s just cut to the chase. I didn’t lose. I didn’t gain. Yep, plateaued again right back at that plateau weight. I don’t know what it is about this weight! OMG. I’m going to try and get over this hump with an extra push now that my pool is clean and ready to be used! Woot! Thank goodness for fun exercise!

Even though my back muscles and shoulders are killing me, I think I’m getting more in shape with all the yardwork, gardening etc. I will admit that my eating was not that great this weekend. I was hot, tired, and hungry all weekend. Being back on clomid for this cycle isn’t helping. I’m always hungry when I’m taking these things.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with more rambling drivel about my never ending plateau. I’m pretty sure you are tried of reading about my sucktastic weightloss journey now that its going NO WHERE along with my fertility.

I don’t even like my blog anymore and yet I have no desire to make it better. I’m apathetic towards everything baby related and weight related at the moment. So till next week, have a happy 4th and may you not gain weight eating all that Apple pie!

McFatty Monday: Spiraling Out of control and hatin'

I’m disgusted. I busted my ass this weekend. I sweated gallons. I pushed myself harder than ever. I’m sore and exhausted. My late ovulation and temps hanging just above the coverline are sucktastic and depressing so I was hoping the scales would offer me some relief but they only added to my misery.
I GAINED THREE POUNDS! WTF.
So I’m right back to that stupid plateau weight. And I want to cry. I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m frustrated and tired of being depressed about it. But I can’t stop, because I see pictures of myself from a wedding this weekend in a dress I love and I look hideous. It’s like I never lost the weight and I’m back to my heaviest where I am grotesquely obese. I hate that my arms are the last place to lose but even my face looks bloated and it had slimmed down! Did I gain the three pounds in my face?! I don’t know whats going on but I look at these pictures and I want to throw up.
I feel fat and ugly. I hate my body and my uterus. Right now I hate myself because I can’t seem to get on the right path to do something right about it. I think I’m doing great and I gain! I keep trying to fit more and more in. I can’t give up the garden because it provides me with healthy foods and exercise. I can’t give up the pool because it will provide me with exercise and it would ruin my property value and aesthetics if I let it go to crap. I can’t not clean my house, I would go insane. So if I fit more exercise I’m giving up rest and sleep and I’m exhausted and sore all the time anyway. I know: energy breeds energy. That is why I am disgusted with myself. I’ve made all these changes: water, foods, processed foods, soft drinks, caffeine, smoking even. In the past year I’ve made myself over but for this one thing. It (and carbs) are holding me back. Why can I not break through this? Why am I keeping myself miserable?
Jillian Micheals was in my dream last night. I was a balloon handler in a parade (like the giant cartoon characters). This really fat girl jumped out of a window (from 80 stories up…LOL) grabbed the balloon ropes and slid down the balloon. We were all amazed and thought she was crazy and suicidal but she took a place in line with us. At the end of the parade we were going into a banquet/party for the participates but they wouldn’t let my group in because we were 1 over. Everyone looked at the fat girl to step out of line and she glared back at all of us. We were holding up the whole parade so I stepped out and she smugly walked in with everyone (as people we held up glared at me thinking I was the problem to begin with) while I was left alone in the pouring rain.
Jillian came up and asked what I was going to do about it. I said I was going to go to the gym and work out my anger and hurt. She gave me a hug, said “good girl”, and disappeared and left me alone in the rain and dark. So I was trying to get back to my car which was miles away where the parade had started. I ran into a man and his daughter. She was really young and tired and cold. She had ridden a horse in the parade and they were trying to get back to the start but all the cars were back in the city streets and it was raining so hard. I told them I would ride the horse back and he could take his daughter in a warm cab. As I got on the horse and headed toward “home”, I woke up. The dream was so vivid.
What does that say? I feel there was definitely a message in there. Was that the real giving, caring me showing myself what the fat bitter girl is doing to me? What do you think?

McFatty Monday

Another Monday has come. They sneak up so fast. There is never enough time to get everything done. We worked diligently in the garden/yard this weekend despite the insane heat and the severe afternoon storms.

I drank gallons of water and sweated out the same, but I kept going. I definitely got a workout and I fueled myself with spinach noodle spaghetti with ground turkey, turkey bacon and homemade biscuits, zucchini casserole and subway. I’m trying very hard to change over to better carbs and give up my much loved pasta. It’s been weeks since I’ve had my addictive Creamy Pea Pasta. My downfall this weekend? Hot chocolate. At the end of a long hard day, I showered and curled up on the sofa with my dog and a starbucks Venti Hot cocoa. BOTH DAYS. Good for the soul, bad for the diet. I didn’t sleep well this weekend either but I’m hoping the forward motion on the garden will keep me motivated to get things done in the evenings.

Gardening and yard work especially in the heat are great exercise. We made headway on the pool as well. It is blue and starting to get clearer. We definitely have water mold again this year but now we know how to handle it so its all about patience and diligence. I hate that we are already into the high temps of summer and can’t use the pool but I’ll be okay as long as its ready by July 4th which will be cutting it close for sure.

I also need to focus on my house this week. I alternate between the yard getting done and the house getting done. This weekend was definitely a yard weekend so this week I need to focus on getting the house clean! All great exercise but I really need to work on fitting in some exercise on top of that. My husband starts back to school this week so maybe I can incorporate some exercise on days he’s at school. That’s always been the goal but I’ve fallen short on that goal. New season, new focus though. Speaking of, I was diligent about the sunscreen this weekend. If any of you know me, you know I don’t use sunscreen. I tan easily and I tend to LOVE the sun but I have found in recent years that working outside and tanning are two different things. I can TAN by the pool and not get burnt but I can work outside and not think about it and get burnt in a heartbeat. So I broke out the Waterbabies spf 50 this weekend. I’m happy to report: NO BURNS and nice browned shoulders. Thank you very much (RACHEL). So if I can change that habit I can change exercise right? RIGHT? Right.

I’ve got to focus on something or I’ll go insane. I’m torn between giving up for awhile because I’m exhausted of constantly thinking about it or going full fledge to get my mind off the lack of progress in the baby department. Focusing on the weight is getting disheartening. I gained two pounds since last Monday despite all the work and sweating and sore muscles. It seems so unfair. I’ve made so many positive changes, I’m really trying and when I do get more exercise than normal, I gain. I’m stuck in weight and I’m stuck in the reproduction aspects. I’m stuck in a boring job I’m not fond of in a bad economy. I’m trying very hard not to slip into full blown FML depression or apathy. I’m not sure how not to or not to go home and dive into a huge piece of pie and icecream because I’m frustrated with the scales.

When you are on a plateau or fighting a certain three or four pounds for so long, how do you stay motivated?

McFatty Monday

Do you ever go shopping and buy a few (or several) new things? Do you wake up on a Monday morning not minding the week ahead because you are excited about the new clothes you get to wear? I forgot how good that felt. Two months back I raided my mom’s and sister’s closets looking for smaller clothes. It felt great wearing my “skinny” pants and new (to me) shirts that were fitted & smaller but I have not really been shopping since losing the weight. (minus one dress I bought courtesy of my blog girls gift card for my birthday)..

Armed with birthday money & gift cards (and my husband with a cattle prod as I hate spending money), I finally bought some new clothes. (Oy Vey did I spend the money!) I should do fashion show reminiscent of Blair’s “dress me” posts! LOL I came home with: new dress, black sweater, handkerchief top, hippie top, 3 sets of jewelry to coordinate, 2 pairs of shoes and 5 pair of sassy underwear. Sadly, no bottoms.  I was looking for a brown pair of Capri pants and maybe a black pair, but they didn’t have any I liked. Everything is distressed jeans! UGH!

Last night, I gave myself a fresh mani/pedi. This morning I actually hot rolled my hair. Armed with my new black and white handkerchief top with yellow trim, yellow accessories, black sweater, slim black dress pants and new black leather/cork sandals and smoky eye shadow I trotted into work feeling very sissified and ready to conquer a Monday.

Then it got BETTER! I hopped on the scales and I’m back down to my low weight. (46 lbs down, 1 pounds away from goal). I’ve been fighting 3-4 pounds for awhile now. I finally kicked its butt and I hope this is just the beginning.

If I can keep up the exercise and energy aspect, I think I can easily plow past my goal. I would love to drop another pant size. I’m right on the verge where I can get into them but they give me camel toe. LOL

This weekend was a marathon of shopping with the in-laws while they were in town (we have a lot more/better stores). Saturday night, I ached from all the walking. Yesterday was more shopping and errands, weeding, staking/stringing tomatoes, picking garden, cleaning pool plus household chores. Exhausting! I think being super active though is what lost the weight. It sure wasn’t my spinach lasagna and McDonald’s Milkshake or the Fountain Coke I had!

Sometimes I think we just have to take the time and live. Change it up so your body doesn’t get too comfortable, but keep on. Don’t give up and slip into old routines because what I’ve learned on this extended plateau is even though I’m not losing, I’m maintaining without trying by sticking to simple changes. And that is an accomplishment that has kept me sane.

And BTW Blair, You are definately not the only one that thinks about food all day. I WAKE UP in the morning thinking about lunch and as soon as I'm done eating that, I'm mentally preparing dinner. On days like today, when its Menu Monday on my FOOD blog (hello, thinking about food all the time there), I think about food non stop, all day long. It's normal.

McFatty Monday (a day late)

I admit it, I didn’t really watch what I ate this weekend. I took a Holiday Break for a long weekend. I took a Holiday break for a long weekend. Two Things:
1)Even when not consciously dieting I’ve made healthy changes that stuck.
a) was still conscious of my water intake or lack thereof
b) still watched portions
c) when healthier options were available I went for those without thought
d) chocolate chip cookies are and forever will be my weakness
2) I didn’t gain. I didn’t lose but I didn’t gain.

I’m still hovering 4 lbs away from my goal 2 months later. I’ve been on this plateau for 2 MONTHS. Up and down these 3 pounds. What that tells me is I’ve made the changes and lost all I’m going to on those changes alone. Now I’ve got to step up the plate and make additional changes and exercise more. That’s the only way I will drop this weight, but I also know that I CAN take holiday weekends off to enjoy food with friends and family and not undo everything I’ve worked for. It’s nice to know that.

I think a part of me let the fact that my body was in a tumultuous state last month due to the Clomid and Metformin, mess with my head. As in, “I shouldn’t try too hard to diet because the drugs are counteracting that and I can’t lose weight if I get pregnant anyway. Maybe this is my month.” Well, it wasn’t my month, and I wasted a month with that kind of thinking.

I’ve got to give up this constant frame of mind that “this is my month.” Because let’s be honest, its been three years and I’ve only had ONE “this is my month.” I’m not giving up, by any means, but I can’t put my life back on hold because we are trying with drugs again, because it may not work. It may be the next set of drugs or what have you. I can’t keep putting off going further in my weight loss efforts because I’m focusing on the pregnancy efforts. I have to learn to coincide with those because my weight doesn’t end with pregnancy. I still have to manage it very severely and eat well to avoid gestational diabetes and complications. I KNOW this. I’m prepared for this (as much as I can be). There is just a disconnection in my brain with the whole focusing on more than one aspect of my life at a time. I can’t quite get working on Weight AND pregnancy. I can only seem to focus on one at a time and its throwing me off.

This week I'm focusing on reducing the carbs, cutting back on portions a little bit more and exercise.

McFatty Monday

Let’s just start out by saying I’m thoroughly disgusted. Last week, I reached a low point in my weight. A whopping 46lbs and one pound away from my goal. It was a relief after the struggling for a few weeks. This weekend I expended a LOT of energy and ate decently. I ate Late one night but I more than made up for it with the exercise department.

My biggest failure is I don’t think I got all my water in yesterday. Yesterday was an off day-stormy weather creating perfect conditions for an afternoon nap. But I did my chores and went grocery shopping, went to church and still took the dogs out etc. It was ONE NAP for heaven’s sake and I didn’t drink as much water as I should.

Is that really any reason to get on the scales this morning and have them FOUR pounds up from Friday? REALLY? How is that fair? I’m RIGHT back to where I have been the past month. I don’t understand. Yes I realize that I’m bloated. That my hateful body has plunged in a headfirst dive towards AF. I know I’m going to start any second now so a lot of this may be bloat and water, but my goodness, could it not have held off for a DAY so I could see my goal weight? That’s all I wanted.

I even filled out insurance paperwork this weekend and put that goal weight on there because it was one pound away. My body just made a complete and utter liar out of me. I have finally reached a point in my weightloss after 5 months and 40 something pounds of “What is the point when my hateful body is going to betray me everytime I turn around?” Can I never nap again? Can I never have an off day? Most people fluctuate a pound. Me? I fluctuate FOUR pounds at a time. I just want to cry and scream because I’m tired of perching on this plateau.

The logical side of me says “STOP (hammer time, just kidding). A four pound gain/loss over a month is nothing because you are maintaining with relative ease 40 some pounds LOWER than you have been in the past 3 years. You are wearing clothes that you wore before meeting your husband and they are even starting to show signs of bagginess. This is still an accomplishment.” But I don’t want to listen to me.

I want my bigger number drops back again. I want to see a remarkable difference and progress and see how that effects my fertility because I feel my ute progress is becoming static again. In my head everything is connected. I’m measuring my worth by my ability to lose weight AND get pregnant. Not a very healthy place to be mentally maybe, but I’m so wrapped up in myself or rather what my body is failing/accomplishing that I’m getting discouraged on both fronts because nothing is happening.

I’m sliding into a funk and trying really hard not to but it’s difficult when the numbers go up or stay stagnant for so long despite your best efforts. Back to the Special K and Slim Fast. Maybe I can kick start it again.