Monday, May 24, 2010

McFatty Monday

Let’s just start out by saying I’m thoroughly disgusted. Last week, I reached a low point in my weight. A whopping 46lbs and one pound away from my goal. It was a relief after the struggling for a few weeks. This weekend I expended a LOT of energy and ate decently. I ate Late one night but I more than made up for it with the exercise department.

My biggest failure is I don’t think I got all my water in yesterday. Yesterday was an off day-stormy weather creating perfect conditions for an afternoon nap. But I did my chores and went grocery shopping, went to church and still took the dogs out etc. It was ONE NAP for heaven’s sake and I didn’t drink as much water as I should.

Is that really any reason to get on the scales this morning and have them FOUR pounds up from Friday? REALLY? How is that fair? I’m RIGHT back to where I have been the past month. I don’t understand. Yes I realize that I’m bloated. That my hateful body has plunged in a headfirst dive towards AF. I know I’m going to start any second now so a lot of this may be bloat and water, but my goodness, could it not have held off for a DAY so I could see my goal weight? That’s all I wanted.

I even filled out insurance paperwork this weekend and put that goal weight on there because it was one pound away. My body just made a complete and utter liar out of me. I have finally reached a point in my weightloss after 5 months and 40 something pounds of “What is the point when my hateful body is going to betray me everytime I turn around?” Can I never nap again? Can I never have an off day? Most people fluctuate a pound. Me? I fluctuate FOUR pounds at a time. I just want to cry and scream because I’m tired of perching on this plateau.

The logical side of me says “STOP (hammer time, just kidding). A four pound gain/loss over a month is nothing because you are maintaining with relative ease 40 some pounds LOWER than you have been in the past 3 years. You are wearing clothes that you wore before meeting your husband and they are even starting to show signs of bagginess. This is still an accomplishment.” But I don’t want to listen to me.

I want my bigger number drops back again. I want to see a remarkable difference and progress and see how that effects my fertility because I feel my ute progress is becoming static again. In my head everything is connected. I’m measuring my worth by my ability to lose weight AND get pregnant. Not a very healthy place to be mentally maybe, but I’m so wrapped up in myself or rather what my body is failing/accomplishing that I’m getting discouraged on both fronts because nothing is happening.

I’m sliding into a funk and trying really hard not to but it’s difficult when the numbers go up or stay stagnant for so long despite your best efforts. Back to the Special K and Slim Fast. Maybe I can kick start it again.

1 comment:

  1. I struggled for a year and a half after the 37lbs I lost for our wedding. I could maintain like a champ, but lose!? No way.

    It hasn't been until I started managing my carbs that I've made any progress. Don't get me wrong, it SUCKS most days. But if it is going to help me lose weight, get healthy, AND have a baby - peace out, pasta.

    Give it a try! It does get easier after about the first week. Call me or email if you want to chat more about it!