I wanted to let this day go by in a fog,
To not remember that today was the day my precious baby was supposed to join us.
A day that you never actually expect to be THE DAY
but when it is taken from you, you cling tight to the date
The date of hope
The date of longing
The date of pain
The date of tears.
While people are out celebrating,drinking, being merry and eating spicy food
I sit alone remembering a baby that never came to be.
And for added torture, there are two EDDs. May 5th based on Ovulation, and then May 11th based on that first ultrasound. I have to go through it all over again 6 days from now.
I have to sit here and mourn while my baby frolics in heaven. I should be happy that I got those few months of "knowing" something more than myself. I should see it as a gift that another soul touched me so briefly and brought such joy into our lives.
But today, I only feel the emptiness. My body and heart feels hollow and the tears track down my face. Nothing distracts me from imagining the joy that should have been ours, the joy that is floating with the angels. The joy that so briefly touched me and then passed me by.
Happy Due Date Bumblebee, whereever you are. Mommy Loves you.