Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What IF?

Everyone has there ups and downs. We all know IF, pregnancy etc is a roller coaster and I have said it many times before. If you have read my blog for even five minutes you know I’m an emotional Six Flags all on my own. I just talked about being the strong one for everyone around me but today I had an abject lesson in strength.

I’m having an off day. I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel well. My back aches, I’m tired, and I’m obviously whiney. As I texted Beth and she tried to support me and keep me optimistic which is usually the role I always try to take, I realized that we have opposite days. When she’s down, I’m up. When I’m down, she automatically takes the UP approach. We do this for each other. I do this for other’s and other’s do it for me. ALL.THE.TIME.

This is a hard road, but it is a little easier with people who understand and support each other around me. I WISH no one around me had to go through this. Its not something I wish on anyone and I would rather be alone if it meant no one else had to know the emotional and physical pain of IF and loss, but I can’t say that it doesn’t help to have these amazing women around me. “Pain is inevitable, Misery is Optional.”

My sister has actually been trying to read up on PCOS and what goes on. She admitted that her eyes kind of glaze over and it’s a LOT of information to digest and she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand Luteal Phases and basic reproduction of our bodies. She’s trying. It begs the question, would any of us know if we had not had issues or found online boards of knowledgeable women who did? Would we have taken the time to LEARN all this technical stuff if we didn’t have to? For someone to fully understand what I go through, they have to be educated on what our bodies do. Sometimes that’s hard for me to grasp, but I definitely appreciate that she is trying. She is trying to learn what my body doesn’t do and what to say during conversations that aren’t offensive. She read the IF article I sent and has read other’s IF blogs. I appreciate that. That is an amazing step in her support of me.

It makes me wonder if I should push for EVERYONE to learn this information even if they don’t know people with IF or loss (because so many people don’t ever let on). It’s like an embarrassment that people hide in the closet. They don’t want to bring people “down” by talking about their misfortune and dead babies. We can talk about breast cancer and prostate cancer till we are blue in the face. But we don’t talk about defective uteruses? That’s taboo? Really?

So what do I do? How do I educate people? Do I bite the bullet and contact my preacher about starting an IF related Journey group for other members of my church? Do I spread out and start a RESOLVE group in the triad? What if no one shows up? What if SEVERAL show up? How do I TEACH and HELP and SUPPORT them when I am still learning and struggling EVERY DAY? And what if…I get pregnant? Will that hurt them to see me pregnant and will it demean the message and the knowledge I’m trying to convey? Will I start a group only to disband it a few months later when I start showing? My preacher is starting a series on GO. Go out and minister in your backyard, to the world. Share the knowledge, but to me, God isn’t the only thing that needs addressing or sharing. When you have a very real pain, sometimes your relationship with God suffers and sometimes you turn more fully towards him. What if this is my chance to minister? What if Infertility and the struggle to create and supporting those going through it is my calling to share God’s love to others? What IF this is part of his plan for me?

"10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

What if I just DO it? What if I just quit asking questions and take action to help others on a more local scale? What IF?


  1. "if you build it they will come" remember this old movie! I keep hearing this over and over in my head. BTW: i will come!