Never say Never

I will Never...

...let my grandma keep my baby. She's getting frail.

...ask for help from anyone.

...leave my infant with someone other than his father.

...feed my child formula.

...co sleep. He has his own room.

...kiss my baby on the mouth.

...buy one of those hideously ugly bumbo seats.



A lesson in statements you make before becoming a parent...because you will obviously stick to them so well.

Mousecrumb Mom

which includes shoving whatever crumbs from a bare cabinet in your mouth that you can.

My cupboards are empty. Seriously. We have food in there but I've discovered that what we have left is gas inducing in me, which increases gas in Matthew so I'm avoiding those foods...and we have emptied out everything else.

I need to go to the grocery store but my maternity checks have not started arriving yet and we are dipping into savings to pay the bills. I have this thing about not using savings even though that is what it is there for and I knew we would have to use some of it, but I just can't bring myself to use it for groceries. Quarky I know.

I am hoping my check arrives today, but if it doesn't, I will break down and go grocery shopping. I'm desperate.

For breakfast this morning I scrambled an egg and paired it with a piece of lunchmeat and cheese on toast. There is one piece of lunchmeat and cheese left...just enough for DH to have a sammy this afternoon. My shelves in the fridge are barren except for cartons of eggs and a brita water pitcher (thanks to Dad's very productive chickens!). It's rather pitiful.

I have a feeling my well stocked kitchen is going to be pretty pitiful from here on out...just because I won't have the time to experiment, cook elaborately, and shop whenever I want. It is way too much of a hassle to make sure everything is in the diaper bag, get him ready, haul him in and out of the car etc. and time it all around naps so he's not fussing and disturbing everyone under the sun. I'd rather live off eggs and water.

From Foodie to Mousecrumb Mom....and maybe back again? We shall see.

Writers Block- sort of

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've lost the desire to blog. I keep handwriting great entries, taking pictures, writing notes in my dayplanner of what to blog that day, but when I actually log on, my mind goes blank and/or I don't feel like typing up what I handwrote earlier.

I'm not sure what the deal is. I need to post all these pregnancy posts NOW because they won't be relevant when the baby is here and I'll be consumed with him.

Right now, I'm consumed with getting him here. My whole life is revolving around getting things ready (and the nursery is done! so I need to post pics!), walking, spending time with my husband, and just BEING before my world changes.

So forgive the temporary break. I'll probably have a posting blitz one night when I can't sleep after feeding my child or something and all of a sudden there will be a million posts to catch up on.

For now, I'm just trying to get through each day functioning through the pressure (it feels like a bowling ball pressing down on my pubic area), going to work, breathing through contractions, walking in the evening, cooking dinner, doing chores...just living normally while waiting for this next step.

The Simple Conversations that shouldn't be taken for granted

While reading "babyproofing your marriage," I ran across an interesting statistic: 21% of couples do not agree on the number of children to have. 47% only think they agree (I may have that one slightly off as I'm doing this from memory). The woman usually gets the swing vote much to the dissatisfaction of the man. Couples actually bargain over having another kid trading things like weekly sex and chores. (Really? W.T.F. It's a child not a stock certificate!)
I know I've changed my mind several times over the years about how many munchkins I wanted and we have spent so much time and effort to get THIS ONE that we haven't really talked about overall family goals. We've talked abotu having another in two years and DH has only half joked about getting me knocked up immediately but nothing really past that.
So as we lay in bed reading, I casually turn to him and ask "so how many kids do you want?" Having been with the man for 6 years i was expecting a definitive TWO. he managed to surprise me with "as many as we can have." Okay. Taking into age and fertility? "2 or 3 is probably what we'll be able to do."
Just for shits and giggles, what if age weren't a factor? "As many as we could have which would still probably only be 2 or 3 because of affordability but if we could, I'd have more." (when did we become quiverfulls?)
Perfect answer though. I want two with an option of a third (assuming single births). I can't imagine having more so I think its safe to say my husband and I are in the statistical category of being in agreement. God how I love that man.
The fact that we can even have this conversation so casually feeling secure in our success of it is a wonder and blessing in itself. A year ago, I couldn'nt imagine planning our future children out with so much assurance but I'm finally feeling the peace and security of knowing I'm a mom and can plan to be a mom in the future.
I finally feel secure that I can give my husband his dreams (okay, not the duggar household, he can forget that!) without doubt.
After so many years of fear, this casual conversation with my soulmate can not pass without recognition. I can not take for granted the amazing gift I've been given to experience such peace and normalcy in a simple thing. A moment of discussing our future children with an assurance and peace of dreams that will happen.
I hope everyone has that moment and recognizeds it. Holds it in their hearts.

Looking Back ...Looking Forward...Looking Beyond Myself

It's Happening Too Fast. Everything. It's just whizzing by like a speeding Amtrak Train and I can't slow it down. This past week has been crazy. Monday after the babyshower I woke feeling puny. Puny enough to stay home from work and sleep most of the day. Monday Afternoon was my first NonStress Test which stressed ME out after waiting in the waiting room for over an hour watching people come and go. (yea, they forgot about me).

Tuesday I found out my Uncle (and neighbor) died during the night. It hit me hard. He was like a grandfather to me, this giant presence always in my life. I spent the next few days in a haze of trying to finish up Thank You notes from the Shower, Dr's appointments, work during the day, and spending every night with my family next door at my cousins, taking food over, sharing stories and tears.

Thursday afternoon, at the second NonStress Test I had a melt down. For twenty minutes two different nurses could not pick up the heartbeat. Even though I had felt him move on the way there, I lost it. The stress came crashing in and I panicked. Everything was fine though. He was in a wierd position and the machine was having trouble keeping the heartbeat but once he started moving his test came back perfect. They left me hooked up longer because of that though and so I was stiff and uncomfortable by the time I was done. I rushed off to the Viewing Service at the funeral home and stayed till the very end spending time among my family.

Friday was one of the hardest days in a long long time. I had the day off work since the funeral was at 2 so I spent the morning running errands: hem tape for DH's suit pants, dress shoes for him (as this was the first time EVER my husband donned a suit. He didn't even wear one at our wedding!) the post office to mail out TY notes. I hemmed DH's pants and tried to clean the house to keep myself busy but as usual I overdid it. By the time the funeral rolled around I could barely stand but I made it through. It was one of the largest I have seen in a very long time and I cried my way through it. Silent tears streaming down my face, embracing my loved ones.

Nothing can prepare you for seeing your father cry though. My dad is such a strong man and I've seen him tear up but a few times but when he openly stood there staring at his brother's casket and loudly weeping, no one could take it. My sister, mother and I closed ranks and surrounded him and openly cried for him, with him and for the rest. Nothing prepares you for your family growing old. We have buried two uncles within the past three months. My father is the only brother left among his siblings. Two of my aunts are sick and on the other side of the family the numbers are dwindling. I wouldn't be surprised if before this year is over we are burying four more.

How do you make it through such upheavals of emotions in such short time periods? Elation and joy over family coming together to welcome my baby boy to sadness and grief a few days later over losing one of our own? Not to mention the stress in between with the Dr's etc.

Needless to say, I have not touched my blogs in a week or more. It's just been too much. I didn't know what to say, how to form the words. I missed my weekly update but I just couldn't bring myself to post it amidst everything going on.

And now we have return to normal, but I feel like I've forever been changed. My aloof self that was happy in my own little world with my husband and baby and dogs is gone. I'm clinging to my expanded family and I want Matthew to know them. To have those memories of cousins and crazy adventures and not just at funerals and reunions every other year. I want him to know vacations and holidays and all the frustration of leaving right on top of your family, the good, the bad and the irritating. I want him to be part of this craziness and tell stories to his children of yesteryear and days gone by.

Yesterday morning my parents met me at Babies R Us with an old car seat and highchair that they had tried to donate to Goodwill. We traded them in at the "Trade In Event" and even though Mom and Dad had just bought us our Pack N Play the weekend before for the shower, they shelled out the money for one of our carseats and a few small items. I took full advantage of the sale and coupons to pick up the other carseat, the baby tub set, hooded towels, several outfits and a boppy.

So even though the night before we had just celebrated the life and passing of family, the next morning we still looked to the future and prepared for Matthew. We cried for one and cooed over the cuteness of baby things and the circle continued. This morning I went to church, a church that my grandmother helped start and that my family still attends and I was welcomed with open arms by my aunts and the congregation and they spoke of my Uncle and his passing with fondness and admiration and I cried again. One life that has touched so many in his way, and I hope and pray that I can do the same and raise this precious little boy to make such an impact on his family and community.

I hope, I find the strength and the way to keep this generation tied so closely together and loving and supporting each other the way the generation before me did. We have a lot of stories to create, a lot of life to live to come anywhere close, but I've seen how important it is, and Matthew has led me to see the worth in trying.

Effortlessly Cool

I've always wondered what it is about certain people that have the ability to be cool without trying. Oh they may try to keep up appearances, standards, dress codes etc. but they have this innate ability to instantly join the cool crowd without effort. Whether its the girl in highschool, the "it" blogger, the co-worker who is always front and center.

I'm not talking about the loud boistrous ones who are IN-YOUR-FACE-I'm-THE-COOL-SHIT. Those are usually the ones everyone tolerates for some unknown reason but no one really likes them. They try too hard and are too demanding in their attempt for the spotlight.

It's the unassuming ones who are there naturally and quietly. They can be the life of the party but also the good friend that everyone wants.

What puts them there? Is it genetics? The "it" factor? Don't get me wrong because I'm not talking about physical beauty. Sometimes the most popular aren't remotely close to being the same as the most beautiful although they tend to run in the same groups. You either have the beauty or the innate ability to be popular. If you have both its devastating to everyone around you. LOL

I've never been the popular one. Oh I've never been the complete outcast. I get along well with others when I want but I also don't care enough to try too hard. I make the occasional witty comeback that can endear me to some but I'm bitchy enough to keep most at bay. I'm a bit stand offish. Those that really know me, know how loyal and comforting I can be. They know my funny side, my vulnerable side but the masses don't. So it always leaves me with a group that adores me, most people know me (even if they don't all like me), and a few who despise me.

My husband, he was the quiet one of the popular kids. The one that no one was quite sure why he was in the popular crowd and not everyone quite remembers him being there. The overly tall, nerdy one with the good drugs that was most likey well known because of relative association (his brother and sister). He did the whacky stunts, but never got too close to many.

Between the two of us, what will we pass on to our son? Is the "it" factor hereditary or by shear chance? Will our son, find success among his pears and be a sociable little butterfly that plays sports or will he be the quiet unassuming one who is friends to many and unknown to other's?

All these thoughts are randomly going through my head as I reflect on my friendships and relationships both past and present. What will my son's life be like and what can I do to make it the best possible? What can I do to equip him with all the tools he needs to be not only a success in life, knowledge and love but with people?

Fat Ladies Eat Small Children

and they cry. It's no secret that I'm overweight. I've talked about it often enough on here and many of you join me in the constant struggle against bodies that fight us back. I've been overweight since puberty. Dieting is not something I do, its a way of life for me and one I was starting to get a handle on once I learned to eat around my PCOS issues. In 2010 I lost 46 lbs before getting pregnant.

I've whined about how I struggle with the pregnancy weight gain and losing control of my body that I was finally gaining control of. It's a daily fight in my own head to accept what is happening to my body to carry this child that I want so badly. I realize that most people probably can't tell I'm pregnant because I just look fat and do not have a pretty little bump. Today however, I was completely humiliated for being fat at the hands of a three year old and her inconsiderate mother.

I have never been more aware of my size than I am today when a little girl and her brother played a shopping cart game of duck down and hide from the "Fat Lady so she doesn't eat us." I was mortified as they pointed and squealed in their high voices: "there she goes, that was close but she might eat us next time" as I pass thier cart.

I was shaking and as the tears started to fall and I purposefully went the opposite direction, I could hear that little high voice "Where did the fat lady go Mom?" And the mother replied? "I don't know, I'm sure you will see her again." "Will she eat us mom?" "She might."

I broke down crying with this conversation ringing in my ears as I stared unseeingly at the aisle of bread. To complete my mortification, people veered around me and wouldn't look me in the face as if I had the plague. For thirty minutes I stood there, with tears streaming down my face and a child's high pitch voice becoming increasingly louder ringing through the store wondering where the Fat Lady who was going to eat them was.

It was all I could do to calmly exit with my pile of groceries that we desperately needed without crawling inside myself and feeling like I was going to die of shame as people stared at me.

Had it been just the mother, I'm sure I would have spouted something off about how humorous it was coming from someone in Pink Velour pants that showed every dimple of her cottage cheese ass bouncing over her knock off designer tennis shoes with the cubic zirconian glinting rather dully on her orange spray tanned fingers. But really, what do you say to someone in front of children who don't know any better? They don't know that they are being insensitive and rude because it was so obviously what they are being taught. What happens in 10 years when that little girl develops an eating disorder or a weight problem? What happens when these children become bullies and cause a girl to kill herself because of her hateful taunts because that just happened in our local high school.

How do you tell a parent off for their complete disregard for appropriate parenting in front of children without making it worse for the kids? Nothing I could have said in that situation would have made a difference for those children. The mother would have just turned it around as a lesson to the children on how fat people are evil and rude and completely belittled the whole point of any sermon I could have spewed at her. How do you fight ignorance and insensitivity?

All I could do was get in my car and know that my son will not behave in such a manner and if he were ever to innocently make an inconsiderate remark I would correct him immediately and teach him how to behave appropriately. MY SON will know kindness and have actual class. That lesson, on how to treat other humans, may be the finest lesson I can bestow upon my son. People are often crap, and its easy to form opinions based upon those examples, but we have to continue to rise above and be the best that we can be and provide better examples when we have learned from experiences such as this.

It hurts. I admit it. It hurt me to my soul. I dropped my groceries and sat in the middle of my kitchen floor balling and hiccuping while my husband tried to soothe me and find out what happened through my garbled stream of words. I questioned my ability to parent and if i was going to be a horrible person because I would be the "fat mom" that the kids make fun of hindering my child's ability to have a normal social life. I questioned everything about my existence as that little voice still echoed through my head. It HURT and I let it hurt me, but I'm not going to hide from it and let it fester. I'm going to post this, and let it out into the world that there are mean people who are raising mean children and I will not be one of them. I may judge harshly and make snap rude comments occasionally but my New Year's Resolution is to try and better control that part of my personality because it is only a part. A small part at that. I'm a nice person with a great capacity to love and give of myself and provide comfort to others and damn it I will be a great mother to a compassionate and giving child.

Christmas Snow 2010

Here in North Carolina, it is a very rare occurrence to get a White Christmas. We sing along to Bing Crosby every year with little hope that it will come true. 2010 set a record though, not only did we get snow on Christmas but we got the most accumulation on record for Christmas Snow surpassing the previous record set in 1947.

Here's a glimpse of Our Snowy Christmas Home for 2010! I hope you enjoy it as much as we have!

Blogger Luncheon

Last Thursday, I did something very special. I met up with a long time Blogger Pal Jeanna! Jeanna and I have shared a great deal in the past year. We met during our 1st Trimester's on The Bump and unfortunately both experienced loss, heart ache, and a myriad of other emotions. We have continuously followed each other's story and become friends online. We finally met face to face and I foresee a long friendship in our future including our boys playing together. That's the best part of this fairytale: we are pregnant together AGAIN with healthy baby boy's five weeks a part.

I count myself and my son lucky to be included in such company for Jeanna truly is a sweet soul through and through. I'm so happy to be a party of her story and she a part of mine and I can't wait to meet up with her again!

Controversial Discussions-Financial Aid and Diet

I was involved briefly in an internet discussion about junk food versus nutritional food and what is acceptable to purchase when receiving government aid.

I have to say that I have several views on this subject that I didn’t have time to get into in one lunch hour. So let’s just break it down and see if I can articulate it to make some kind of sense. (and here’s where you get a bigger glimpse into my very judgmental and warped mind).

A) I understand living with a certain amount of money for food and having to choose how to best appropriate those funds to maximize them. It’s called a budget and is not exclusive to those receiving aid. It should be a common denominator across the board. Some peoples’ budgets may be higher than others making it easier to make decisions, but all responsible (and therein lies the problem) people should have a budget for groceries.
I shop cheap, at discount stores, at multiple stores trying to maximize my dollars. Not everything I buy is the healthiest choice. Example: I may skip the whole wheat pasta for a box of regular pasta because it’s cheaper. I do not however skimp on making homemade sauces which are better for you and if done right are cheaper. You can pack a lot of veggies, vitamins, protein etc in a good homemade sauce. It’s a balance act.

B) I am not against all junk food or having someone buy it. I’m not about to say “if you are poor you can’t buy a candy bar.” My husband is a junk food fiend. Seriously. It disgusts me at some of the things that man can pack away. To keep him from becoming mutinous I am committed to buying him a junk food item now and again. At Halloween we have a bowl of candy out. It will last for several weeks though a bag of Swedish fish disappears in 30 minutes or less. During the holidays I bake cakes, cookies, brownies etc periodically. I give in on the occasional bag of chips. He takes Poptarts for breakfast. Heck, I enjoy my Coco Pebbles cereal sometimes (ahem every morning during second tri!). The biggest problem in our house is by far soda.
Part of this stems from his growing up poor and nutritionally uneducated. They ate hamburger helper without the hamburger. Canned Fruits and Veggies were a luxury item that they hoarded when they were brought in the house. They lived off bags of chips because they were cheap and in bulk at the discount places. This makes me sad beyond belief and I am constantly counter acting his habits (which have improved greatly over the past several years) because I will be damned if my son is going to learn to eat crap from him.
I work very hard at providing balanced meals, fresh fruits and veggies every week mixed with a few convenience foods (frozen scalloped potatoes) for time constraints. I shop the farmer’s market and grow my own veggies but in the winter I am all about buying frozen veggies, rice etc. Not all processed food is crap and the occasional crap is not going to kill you.

C) I don’t actually know how some people buy a cart full of crap groceries with or without paying for it with government aid. We all know I’m a judgmental person no matter how hard I try. If I’m in line at the store, I am not one to browse through the National Enquirer. I’m more likely appraising what’s in your cart and comparing it to my own as I have seen many people do. If you have an entire cart full to the brim of sugared cereals, processed junk food, frozen family meals, soda, etc. I’m going to judge. If you are a ringless male, I’m going to judge and probably feel sorry for you a little bit. If you are a man or woman with a kid or more in tow, I’m going to judge and probably want to slap you for your poor choices and what you are teaching/not teaching your children about nutrition. You can bad mouth society’s judgments on fat/poor/ugly people all you want but the fact is if you are living off a diet consisting of mostly junk and processed foods you pretty much deserve to be looked down upon for your bad skin, fat rolls etc. That type of food shows in someway even if you have an exceptional metabolism so don’t think if you are thin you are exempt.
I say this fully aware that I’m overweight and I get judged. I haven’t made the best choices. I was not informed about what my body required since my PCOS was misdiagnosed but that’s only a part of my weight. If I had made healthier choices long ago, I have no doubt that my weight would not nearly be what it is. When I finally did figure out what I was doing, my weight started improving tremendously. And I did it ON A BUDGET.
The point is, there are certain things I get embarrassed about purchasing: tampons, condoms, KY Jelly, Pregnancy Tests and copious amounts of junk food. (Especially if I’m buying them all at the same time. Don’t ask, it was only once, swearsies.)

Now add to that my discomfort if I were on government aid (which now a days they don’t have those pesky “stamps” but a card that looks like a credit card…not sure who they think they are fooling, we still know what that flag flying piece of plastic is folks.) I would melt into a little puddle of mush standing in line with a cart full of crap and whipping out a food stamp card. Maybe I have too much pride or don’t understand what needing help is truly like. I understand there are situations that call for help and my heart goes out to those people (I actually know a few and do not begrudge them their aid at all).
I have been blessed in so many ways which include family always willing to lend each other a helping hand, a strong work ethic and a sense of pride in making my way in the world even if leanly. I hope I NEVER have to rely on the aid of our tax dollars for any reason and I would bite my pride in the ass if it meant putting food in my child’s mouth but I damn sure wouldn’t lose all my pride, knowledge and moral decency by buying crap. It would mortify my southern lady sensibilities down to my toes.
Poverty does not equate to uneducated or unhealthy. At least it shouldn’t. Unfortunately, it seems like more people who are thrown into poverty, the worse they eat and that’s just sad. There are a lot of programs out there designed to assist in teaching people better choices, other ways of eating, nutrition etc. For example, community garden projects are becoming more abundant though in my opinion not nearly as common as they should be especially in the cities. It is more of a reflection on our society’s ineptness that we have so many uneducated in nutrition, living in a poverty level and consisting off of a crap diet than that we live in a society that financial aid for those people.
Do I think we should dictate that only people who can afford it be “allowed” to buy junk food? YES. Junk food is a luxury item in my opinion. I wouldn’t go as far to say its so luxurious it needs to have a Fat Tax added to it as Bev Perdue, the idiot Governor of NC believe but it is something that should be considered a treat and not part of a regular diet. Luxury as in “Extra; indulgence; or bonus”. If you can’t afford bonus items in your weeks menu/budget plan then you don’t get the treat. Occasional candy bar/soda/pack of cookies? No big deal. An entire cart full? Yea I have a problem with it on several levels.
People want to defend a person’s right to do what they want and live like everyone else even if they are poor. It’s the American way. Well, NO it’s not. The American way is to work your ass off to purchase those things you want and have the freedom to do so. You have the freedom to work and earn as much money as you want and live the way your earnings justify. Living outside one’s means is what has turned our economy upside down in the first place. I’m sick of the entitlement theories. “I’m entitled to what you are because we are all equal.” No we aren’t. If you are taking assistance, you don’t have that luxury (as in Comfort; extravagance; lavishness). Luxury of choice does come with having your own earned income. So I absolutely do not believe someone on welfare, food stamps and other assistance programs need to be getting their hair done, fake nails, going out to eat etc. If I can’t afford to do so off of what I make, then I don’t get those things. I have to abide by my paycheck and my budget to afford my lifestyle. If your lifestyle includes taking tax dollars that other people pay in, then you adjust your lifestyle to that level of income. Yes, it pisses me off when people I am paying for have more luxury items than I do working my ass off. Our systems have been abused for far too long. Statistically, its not ALL people on welfare etc. and I am not making that generalization but it’s the few that are constantly brazen about it and in your face that make it really hard for the rest who are trying their best to get some where and get off assistance to deal with the impressions portrayed by the few to the rest of us.

Four Legged Yard Swiffers

So I've been noticing these clumps of brown all over my floors.

>So do I have extremely dirty floors and need a prescription to Flylady asap?

So what is wrong with my floors at this time of the year? That would be this:

Don't let their cute innocence fool you. It's a disguise. They are not really adorable mini long haired dachshunds. They are four legged fall yard swiffers. Their silky downy fur drags in every leaf, stem and seed pod four times a day. They are driving my early OCD nesting urge insane.

Circle of Life- RIP Uncle Chuck

We often forget in our obsession with our babies and starting a family that there is an end. All life ends and we take it for granted. Those who have experienced infant loss, know intimately how quickly things end and carry with them a heavy dose of fear for the future.

When we finally get past a comfort point, we know that there are still things that can happen and we retain that apprehension through it all but we find a comfort level. It all floods back in when there is a loss of any kind.

Yesterday, my Uncle died. I’ve lost all my grandparents save one and a year ago I lost a Great Uncle but this is the closest family member to die in a long time. I was not close to him but he was family. I remember the big family holiday dinners when my grandmother was still alive when Uncle Chuck and his wife would come by. They were always
immaculately dressed and proper. I was always in awe of them because they were so put together. My dad respected his oldest brother. There was almost a 20 year difference.

While my father was in diapers, his brother was fighting the German’s in World War II. At a young age he was cleaning out concentration camps and seeing the evils of humanity, greed and power. Yet, he came home to be an upstanding family man and remained true and faithful to his church. He was married for 60 years and raised three children. He suffered losing a granddaughter at the age of 8 who was born with half a heart. He lived a long and productive life and in the end he was able to leave the pain of pancreatic cancer behind and go home to heaven.

Tomorrow will be hard. Tomorrow I have to be strong for my father who is upset and grieving. We lost my grandmother on Thanksgiving 7 years ago. I never met my grandfather. He died 37 years ago before I was born. I can only imagine what is going through my father’s head as his big family ages before his eyes. He just turned 60 (he’s the youngest of 6 children) and I can see the age wearing on him.

Times like this I wonder what the future holds. Will my children get a chance to know their grandparents and have a relationship with them that they can remember. Will they know the joys of a large extended family? Will they get to run wild in the woods playing hide and seek with their cousins?

I started late in life. I’m 32 having my first child. My parents are 58 and 60. Sometimes I wonder what kind of life and traditions my children will remember. They will be different from mine. They will hold things dear to their hearts but will they know the same joys, love, sorrow, I know? Sometimes the future scares me. I can’t imagine life without my parents, cousins, etc. That day is coming but its not today.

Today I have to remember the life of a great family man who was loved by many. Today I have to celebrate the continuance of the circle starting with HLB. There is joy even in the passing. There is a tomorrow even in the dawn of today.

The Power of My Vote

Today is VOTING day in America. Every election is important and we should always exercise our right to vote. I’m not trying to get all political on my blog even though I am a very political person. However, I think it’s important to bring attention to this day just as we would a holiday or other important day in our history and daily lives. Every November 2nd, history is made somehow even if it’s not widely known to the masses. Each person, even in the lowliest of offices has the potential to change other’s lives in ways unforeseen (or foreseen). Whether its good, bad, logical or emotional, people across this great nation are inserting their political opinions and taking stands today at the polls.

This is a great honor that we can do this even when we don’t agree with how the vote goes. People by nature do not always agree with each other. That’s the beauty of humanity. We try things, we see if they work and when they don’t we have opportunity to change them. Sometimes one group of people has the advantage and other times another group does. It balances the desires and wants of all people by creating a natural checks and balances. One president and his congress may focus on some issues dear to their side, while other issues go unaddressed. When change happens, the direction focuses and appeases another group.

Some people align themselves through their hearts, through their dreams and desires, through their wallets, their religions, their ideals. There isn’t necessarily a right way because there are so many issues concerned.

I vote for the way that is best for the future of my children and the prosperity and safety of my country in a world riddled with war, hatred, and economic unease. The important thing is that you vote. You stand up for what you believe and you make educated guesses by looking at what people stand for. You don’t rely on heresay and political ads but look behind the scene at voting records, platforms and resumes. Do a little work yourselves and teach your children to do the same for more educated voters. This is our legacy that we leave to them.

The power to think freely and choose people that best represent the direction of their country and their future. Our choices are not always good, but it is still a choice.

So today, think about these precious lives we carry or will carry or have carried. What will you do today that will benefit them tomorrow? What will we as a nation leave for them? Today, HLB goes to the polls and is very much a part of my vote. I hope it will be the first of many trips to the polls during his/her lifetime.

Cook, Laugh, Love, Live

I grew up in the house that I live in now. Not exactly the floor plan I would choose but I do love the sentimental value of the house and have made it my own. I thought it would be weird and always feel like my mother’s house but it doesn’t. At all. When I visit her in her adorable farm house in the mountains, that’s her house.

When I was young though, my sister and I spent many days alone when she was a teenager and I was middle school age in my mom’s kitchen (which is now mine). The product of working parents, we had great imagination. We turned our kitchen and dining room into a restaurant called Old Timer’s every day for lunch. We served up meals to each other with flair from the humblest grilled cheese and soup to a can of chef boy r Dee garnished with parmesan from a can.

It was a production from beginning to end, greeting each other at the front door and seating them at the choicest table, playing chef, plating the food, playing waitress, busboy and dishwasher (which often included acting a dishwashing soap commercial but that was more of a ploy for her to pretend to film while I got stuck doing all the dishes…I was very much a drama queen even then.)

We used to talk about actually opening Old Timer’s when we grew up. I can only think that the famed Cracker Barrel was our inspiration for Restaurant Design. I’ve held onto that dream though. The dream has changed over the years and morphed from being a bakery/café, to sometimes a bed and breakfast, and sometimes even a full out restaurant.

Tonight, my sister is coming over to help me in the kitchen. We are whipping up giant pots of chili and chicken stew, veggie and cheese platters, and a cake for my Halloween Party tomorrow. It’s going to be like Old Timer’s is open again twenty years later.

Sometimes it’s the simple things in life that you look back on with fond memories but I have noticed that the majority of the family’s greatest memories center around the kitchen. The kitchen is truly the heart of the home and I’m looking forward to making memories for my own children: giggles and smiles over cupcake frosting, smells of cookies baking on Christmas Eve, mini aprons enveloping wiggly bodies with chocolate smears on the nose, beaters to be licked, family dinners, etc.

Despite all the work I have to do, I’m looking forward to taking this sweet trip down memory lane tonight. Laughing, arguing, getting in each other’s way, making a mess and above all spending quality time with my sister is a great way to spend a Holiday whether its Halloween or Christmas. Sisters, who for many years were each other’s arch nemesis and saving grace. We are siblings, friends, families who cook, laugh, love and live.

I think they need to adjust those popular phrases for the wall art: COOK, Laugh, Love, Live. I like it.

Happy Anniversary to Us.

Yesterday was our Anniversary.

FOUR YEARS of marriage. Six years together. It’s almost hard to believe that I’ve been with him that long and at the same time it still feels new and exciting sometimes, like we’ve just moved in and are still newly weds.

Our life has changed quite a bit for this year though. Last year at this time we were suffering the physical and emotional effects of the miscarriage, clinging together, blocking out the world.

This year, we are celebrating my expanding waist line, struggling with exhaustion of his hectic schedule being in school and working full time, trying to get through and live life. We are doing our Annual Halloween Party this year that we cancelled last year. DH has been sick and exhausted, I’ve had the severe back pain this week etc.

So on our actual anniversary, we spend a giftless quiet night laying together on our sofa watching Halloween Sitcoms and eating a quick easy dinner of beef and cheese burritos (homemade of course) and Halloween mini chocolates.

It was quiet and humble and sweet. As much as I’m looking forward to cooking the party foods with my sister’s help tonight, and having people come and enjoy a fire, food and fun tomorrow, DH and I are in agreement that we are looking forward to a quiet relaxing Sunday doing NOTHING.

A day together, watching DVR’d tv shows and movies, munching on leftovers and candy in our pajamas.

The older we get, the crazier our life gets, the more we appreciate those rare days when we don’t have to think about yard work, house chores, budgets, commitments and errands. We get to cuddle, veg and look forward to getting through one more week of voting, chiro appts, and daily life before the BIG Ultra Sound. It’s SO CLOSE!

Through everything we’ve been through in the past 4 years: home, job layoffs, pay cuts, IF, miscarriage etc. I can honestly say that our relationship has stayed strong and grown. We are solid. We are still in love and looking forward to our family with our whole hearts. I still look forward to seeing him at the end of each day, a kiss on the top of my head still makes my knees week, he still makes me laugh, he’s still the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and grow old with. He’s still the man I want to present HLB to, and say “Look at what we did. Look at the perfection our love created.”

Being Self-aware and Self-centered

I may not be a smug pregnant woman, because I appreciate every moment I am pregnant (despite the occasional complaint about the cramps, back pain and sleeplessness LOL) but I can honestly say I am a self-centered one.

I think everyone needs to be honest with themselves and other’s and I am self-centered right now. I think, in a way, its justified. Pregnant women (and not just IFers and loss sufferers but pregnant women as a whole group) should be more aware of their bodies during this time. (Charters, IF sufferers, and Loss sufferers tend to be more aware than most people even before pregnancy and become hyper aware afterwards). Our bodies are these amazing natural machines that go through all these organic changes that can seem really crazy sometimes.

Not to mention we want and should keep our bodies absolutely healthy as possible, be even more conscious of what we put in our mouths, exercise, injury etc. because its no longer just us that we are screwing over, there’s another being in there dependent on our bodies. (Like a parasite, isn’t that a lovely thought?)

I’ve had my share of junk food. I’ve never done drugs nor been a heavy drinker but I have had my share of rough and tumble party nights and I was a smoker for 15 years. (a few off years here and there but most of that decade and a half I smoked.) I haven’t maintained a healthy lifestyle my whole life though is the point.

In the past few years, I have become a more self conscious person when it comes to how I live. I’ve been a non smoker for almost two years (yes, I know if you do the math, that means I smoked during the first year of TTC with the intentions of quitting the moment I found out…it was stupid of me.) I’ve made so many changes to my diet and lifestyle as I’ve actually discovered things about myself (my mortality, my allergies, my PCOS etc.) and have become a much healthier (and smaller!) version of me.

Now that I have finally made it some distance on a long awaited journey of actually bringing a child into the world, I am even more self centered. Everything we do, every place we go, everything we eat is first weighed and thought about in terms of “what about me and my baby?” Do I want to try a new restaurant that DH wants to go to and risk an allergy attack since I’m pregnant? Do I really want to get up early and go shopping all day and if I do are their baby stores nearby? Etc. etc. etc.

Do I want to go to the in-laws at Christmas when I am 7 months pregnant? (that would be a hell no by the way). I am completely absorbed by myself and this child. I day dream about cribs and bedding during work. I mark the passage of time by counting down days to my next events which bring me closer to the next baby appt.

I’ve let certain aspects of my life outside the home slide because I just don’t feel like putting in the effort anymore and that’s probably a little self centered too. But hey, at least I’m honest and I don’t act or pretend like the world revolves around me nor do I ask to be waited on hand and foot or be focused on at family events etc. But in my own head? Yea, I’m totally focused on me and my little family. I admit it freely.

Hump Day Melancholy

So my whiny mood on Monday? Turned into an emotional breakdown by Tuesday. The knot in my shoulder and headache got worse. On Tuesday morning I got out of bed (after very little sleep from the pain) to half my face being numb, blurred vision in that eye, numb arm and leg with horrible pain. I called the Dr. to get a recommendation on seeing a masseuse or a chiropractor and they wanted me to come in immediately.

I did not know this but there is a thing called “pregnancy induced Bells Palsy.” That’s pretty scary, but I don’t have it. I have a hormone induced muscle knot that I get to look forward to dealing with on and off through my entire pregnancy. Yay me.

I did end up seeing a chiropractor yesterday who adjusted me and worked on that knot and put me on a gentle setting roller bed. I felt great for about 10 minutes….till I went home and everything tightened back up. I did catch a few cat naps during my imposed bed rest though. My OB felt that I should stay out of work and do nothing because my blood pressure and heart rate were a little elevated. Not high, but higher than my norm most likely due to the pain and stress of it (aka lack of sleep). So I managed to take a few short naps on the sofa but I had to get in just the right positions to prop my shoulder on pillows a certain way to find any comfort.

Last night, I would have slept a little better had it not been for the combined pain and tornadoes. None of the bad weather came directly near me but was in the same county so my weather radio kept going off and I kept waking up to watch the radar. I get to look forward to more of that tonight.

To say I’m pretty miserable is probably an understatement though I know many that are far more miserable than I so I feel guilty for complaining too much. What really got me going was the new car finance company. I had a set to with one of their non English speaking lying customer service reps at near 9pm last night. I eventually had to hang up the phone because I was so upset with them I could feel my Blood pressure rising. My first payment isn’t due till November 28th. I haven’t even gotten any paperwork from them on how to pay them (since Carmax doesn’t provide that) and they have an automated phone system dialing my CELL phone multiple times a day and hanging up on me. According to call center bitch, their records only indicate one phone call to my home number to welcome me and they left a message on my answering machine. WRONG. My home number doesn’t have an answering machine you lying twatwaffle and I have a record of the multiple calls and times on my cell phone. When I hit callback, guess what? I GOT YOU fucker. It was bad. I lost it and she wouldn’t transfer me to a manager. I eventually said something extremely not nice and hung up and ended up sobbing in my husbands arms in the middle of my kitchen because I was so stressed out over everything: car, pain, upcoming party, trying to get dinner done, bad weather etc.

Carmax and this new finance company will be getting very explosive letters from me to say the least and I damn well hope they recorded that phone call. I have been with Ford Credit through three cars in the past 10 years. Needless to say, I will be going BACK to Ford and their lovely finance company when we trade DH’s vehicle. Carmax has officially lost my business after this and the DMV license plate fiasco. Two weeks I’ve had my car, and it’s been nothing but a hassle for stupid reasons. Reasons an emotional pregnant women should not have to deal with.

Sometimes I wish my husband was one of those guys who handled the money and investments and dealing with stuff like that, but in our household, I’m the one. I handle the money better and pay all the bills, and plan the expenditures and deal with insurance problems etc. etc. He isn’t very good about that kind of thing so it makes our life smoother, but sometimes, like yesterday, I wish I didn’t have to do it all.

My Gourmet Life

I have tried to maintain this blog as I would a business. Strictly to the point of food with snippits of commentary about my life to “spice” it up. My readers come for the food, not for me but my personality and life flavor my food. If you have been a follower for long, you can detect a pattern but may not know what is triggering the recipes. I’ve been very honest about my recent trial with food allergies and the less flavorful and more natural recipes reflect that as I tried to reset my body and figure out what the allergy triggers were.

(Now here is where I come clean.) What you may not have known, is that last fall when I was posting so much and really focused on my blog, what was going on. I love this blog but I don’t try new recipes ALL the time or cook hearty comfort foods EVERY DAY. I’m a busy person (as evidenced by the lack of posts every summer when my garden, pool and yard are in full swing on top of a full time job). I don’t have time to cook, photograph and experiment EVERY night. Last fall however, was full of colorful posts, new recipes, and rich comfort foods. Last fall, after 2 ½ years of Infertility and drugs, we lost our first child via a very emotionally traumatic and physically painful miscarriage. I threw myself into this blog with a passion to escape myself.

I’m not sorry I did so. It was therapy for me. Cooking is therapy. Depending on what kind of emotional state I am in depends on what I make. If I’m focusing on being a better me, the recipes go healthy, natural. If I need comforting they go hearty and rich. If I’m crunching a budget, they reflect that too. If I’m happy, I bake. I’m a southern gal and our kitchens are the heart of the home. We spend our lives there out of responsibility but also out of love.

I used to think that I had to be a perfect hostess and wife. I was raised with the values of home coming first and a happy family revolved around great food. Holidays revolved around family coming together over great food. I had to maintain a spotless house, cook everything, bake like a professional, decorate to the 9’s. I have pushed myself over the years to achieve perfection in my home. For what? A family I don’t have. It becomes not so important when you are only cooking for the two of you. Especially when you’re married to one of the most Non-foodie people you will ever meet. A can of cold Chef Boy R Dee is fine with my husband, but I want my family to have more than that.

I have reprioritized. I will always be a cook. It is who I am. I love it, but I’ve realized that I don’t have to be perfect or do it all. I can throw a party and delegate dishes (or the whole darn thing, hello catering), I can release myself of the responsibility of doing it all. And if by chance, a partier finds that one illusive dust bunny that escaped me, so be it. Dust happens.

I’m trying to find my balance. I love to blog. I have a million ideas in my head for posts, projects, etc for this blog. I love to share my recipes as much as I love making them. I just need to find my voice and relate more to my blog with my life than being a food reporter. This isn’t a business, this is my love of food and all things to do with it, not just recipes.

So my dear readers, my original intention of this blog was food. It worked for me for years as that is where I was in my life. I new wife, a new home owner, a new everything in my own kitchen for the first time armed with only the skills I learned at the elbows of my mother and grandmother (and they were great skills-I was well armed). I have a passion for cooking and gardening and I showcased that here, but I also have a passion for family, those suffering from infertility, and other aspects of my life. I’ve kept them separate (on separate blogs and never the two shall meet) but I’m not sure that I should anymore.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here to be honest. I don’t know if I will maintain the two or if I will combine them here or there or somewhere completely new. I’m not sure how open I’m ready to be to readers who came for the food or how receptive my readers of my most intimate yearnings will be of food recipes. I don’t want to keep up a farce of maintaining a food blog when my focus isn’t necessarily here but I also see myself returning to food again and again so its not really a farce. Holidays are coming up, I’m going to be in the kitchen a lot. In the future, I will want to share my experiments with homemade baby food when the time comes (because it will.) I still want to try out a food related project to share with you. I just have to figure out the timeline, the how, and do it. I’m not saying good bye. I’m just saying, “hello” from the real gardener, the real gourmet, the person behind the words that puts the love into the food.

Friendships in my Life

It’s hard letting friends pull away and have their space, even when they need it. I’ve had many friendships in my life and I’ve lost very few. I’m one of those rare people who hold onto a friendship truly through thick and thin. I have had three best friends through most of my life. After college two of those moved away and for years we continued the friendships through email, occasional visits etc. One of them drifted and now we get the occasional email once a year when we one of us is thinking of the other but for the most part we don’t really know anything about the other’s life. She’s never met my husband and I don’t know if she has children.

The other friend moved back and we recently went through a very tough patch while I was dealing with the loss of my child and she was dealing with undiagnosed Post Partum Depression. Individually we moved on but the friendship is in a weird place right now but there have been tentative feelers thrown out from each party to see if the other is receptive. We are working on it.

When I married, I made a new friend and for years she was one of my rocks as I was hers, but through a bitter separation and even odder reunification within her own marriage, the friendship between us became forced and uneasy and we both let it become a casual comment on Facebook and a hug when we run into each other thing.

I’ve developed fabulous e-ships and a network of amazing women that share both online and offline moments with me. Babyshowers, tacky sweater parties, etc. Sometimes those friendships too hit a rocky place though. It’s very difficult when you share for so long a struggle with someone, a trait that binds you even in the most horrible circumstances, and then one of you “moves on.” I’ve watched and supported many women moving on and it was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I mourned the loss of my child every day that I saw the other girls progress in their pregnancies. I cried tears of happiness and mourning when another’s child was born when our due dates had been shared. I’ve watched these precious little beings grow and everyday it’s a reminder of what Bumblebee would be doing now, the milestones he/she would have passed. Even being pregnant and looking forward to this new life, it doesn’t take the pain away from what once was my future.

Now, I’m the one who has moved on. Everyday my fear and anxiety are still very real that something is going to go wrong but at the same time I’m also able to laugh about the small things (like craving apples) and enjoy some of these little moments. Some of my girls can’t share that with me and it breaks my heart for them. I have to let them have their space and I know that’s what they need. I’ve been there so I absolutely do not want to be “too much” by checking in too often but at the same time, I’m not always sure when its been too long and I should step in and say “hey, haven’t heard from you” or “you’ve been quiet lately.”

It’s such a fine line to walk between caring and sensitive to being a reminder of what they want. I know that they need their space and my condition can be difficult for them sometimes. Because I’ve been there, and I truly understand what they are going through both on the infertility front and the being left behind front, it plagues me that I can’t BE more support. If I could fix it for you all I would. I love you and empathize with you that much and I am continuing to hold a place on my friends list for you for when you “catch up” because I believe that you all will. Even to those e-friends who aren’t as close or are going through other trials in their life right now and have drifted for the moment, I’m always here to listen, to support and to love you. Whether it is the occasional cup of coffee and chat you need from me, or hours of Facebook conversation to take your mind off of a bad day.

I’m here and I just want to remind each of you (online and off) that I’ll never forget or move on from my past. From the years of struggle and heartache. They are with me forever and no matter where I am in life, I will always understand where you are coming from and love you no matter what. I will always be an advocate for fertility education. The women I have met and bonded with over the past few years will always be a part of me no matter where my journey takes me.

Whiney Poor Pitiful Me Monday

I’m hoping it’s just the Monday blues but I’m back to being a doubting Debbie. I woke up this morning with full intention of having a good day. I dressed the part, took time to curl my hair and ran out the door only a few minutes behind schedule. Then nothing.

My car wouldn’t start. No clicking, no groaning, nothing. Silence. Completely dead. So I saw one neighbor’s car still there, and I trotted across the just cut dewey grass to knock on their door. They didn’t answer. Their dog didn’t even bark so I have no idea where they were. I do know, I was now, not getting to work, my sandals and feet were caked in wet cut grass, my pants were wet and I had ripped my hem.

I finally got hold of my husband who graciously said I’ll be home in 10 to jump it, so there I sat dejected on the front porch steps waiting while the humidity made my hair frizz and sweat started rolling down my face. TWENTY-FIVE minutes later he rolled in. He was loading his work truck for the day to go out on a job site and so he finished and just drove the work truck by the house on his way so it wouldn’t delay him any. I can’t blame him for that, I would have done the same thing in his situation.

My car fired right up as soon as he connected them. So off I went to Auto Zone for a new battery. I wasn’t even that upset with my car. It’s a good car. That battery has lasted for 8 years and the car had warned me on occasion with the battery light showing that it was getting time to get a new one. Seriously, 8 years and 85,000 miles later, I need a new battery. Big whoop. It was just inconvenient to have to do it first thing on a Monday morning and be an hour late to work!

I did make it though. Wet grassy shoes, ripped hem, frizzy hair and all. Whew. Maybe the worst of today is over. Well, no. Then I get to check my bank account and realize thanks to a $100.00 battery that was not planned into the budget, a labor day weekend trip and eating out twice because of a hectic schedule that was not planned either, we are going to be short this pay period and have to dip slightly into savings rather than contributing to it.

Okay. So now I’m at work, with an achy upset stomach, my pants are not only ripped and wet but they are falling off my butt because my bloat went away. I’m feeling very discouraged and NOT pregnant. That fear is creeping in and its two weeks till my next appt. This week marks the week (in the timeline) that I found out we had miscarried. I never made it past this mark. So even though my baby had a heartbeat measuring past when we lost the other one, this is still a milestone for us. I won’t even know if we made it past the milestone for two more weeks!

My mom told me to call the Dr. but what am I supposed to say? “I know you are busy and trying to fit everything in before labor day but I would really like a sonogram because I don’t feel pregnant?...No I’ve had no pain, or bleeding but my cat’s not being as snuggly over the weekend and my m/s is practically non existent now.” Yea, that will go over well, I’m sure. I still have heartburn and gas. I’m still pretty exhausted though I’m getting bursts of energy where I clean like crazy. (During one of those yesterday, I did four loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, cooked dinner, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen.) I’m just back to “not feeling it.” I know, if it weren’t for morning sickness, I probably wouldn’t even know I was at this stage of the game. I’m thankful I haven’t gained weight (okay, two pounds) and the bloat is gone so my pants are back to falling off but I wish I could find some sign of pregnancy that would reassure me on days like today. Is that too much to ask for?