Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Doesn't that just Beet all?

I'm a Southern farm girl...who doesn't like beets. I think I may possibly be the only person in my family that doesn't like them. Unlike my grown-up love for broccoli, my beet palate never developed in an enjoyable manner.

Since my husband enjoys them on occasion and my parents had plenty in their garden (which they are fun to harvest) I decided to be a loving wife and try my hand at canning/pickling beets.

1) Rubber Gloves are your friend if you do not want stained fingers
2) No matter how neat you try to be your kitchen will still look like you slaughtered something large.

It's definitely interesting to note the change during cooking. It goes from black lumps boiling in a pot that smells (as my friend Beth put it) like cooking dirt to an aromatic pot of jars that are truly a beautiful deep fuchsia color. I love the end result and while messy, it really is easy. I may (or may not) do some more. Why? Because I can and they are free...and if Armageddon happens I can choke down beets to survive. LOL

To Can beets:
Boil with parts of the tops (stems) on to reduce "bleeding". When soft, remove tops and roots. quarter or half depending on size. Place in clean hot jars. On stove boil 1 cup water, 1 cup apple cider vinegar, and 1 cup of sugar. If you have whole cloves, place about five in each pint jar. If you have crushed cloves use about a tablespoon in the boiling mixture. Once it comes to a boil, pour the hot liquid over the jars. (you may have to make more if you have a lot of jars. Mine did about 4 jars but I didn't pack the beets tight. Place lids and rings on. In a large pot or canner, place the jars completely submerged (to a 1/2 inche over the lids)and bring to a boil. Turn off and let cool slightly. Remove the jars and let cool and dry.

Monday, June 28, 2010

McFatty monday

Another Monday. Another Weigh in. Let’s just cut to the chase. I didn’t lose. I didn’t gain. Yep, plateaued again right back at that plateau weight. I don’t know what it is about this weight! OMG. I’m going to try and get over this hump with an extra push now that my pool is clean and ready to be used! Woot! Thank goodness for fun exercise!

Even though my back muscles and shoulders are killing me, I think I’m getting more in shape with all the yardwork, gardening etc. I will admit that my eating was not that great this weekend. I was hot, tired, and hungry all weekend. Being back on clomid for this cycle isn’t helping. I’m always hungry when I’m taking these things.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with more rambling drivel about my never ending plateau. I’m pretty sure you are tried of reading about my sucktastic weightloss journey now that its going NO WHERE along with my fertility.

I don’t even like my blog anymore and yet I have no desire to make it better. I’m apathetic towards everything baby related and weight related at the moment. So till next week, have a happy 4th and may you not gain weight eating all that Apple pie!

Menu Monday

Another week has passed in a flash. I feel like I missed two days because I slept it away thanks to a beesting and benedryl. I hate beestings and their affects on me! I was very fortunate it wasn’t a yellow jacket or something I’m more allergic too. I’m pretty sure it was a wasp and let me tell you, it hurt like the dickens! My arm is no longer swollen and other than a discolored bruise, you can no longer tell. (FIVE DAYS LATER…jeesh).

We made a lot of progress on the yard and pool this weekend the big garden leaves much to be desired. The morning glory vines that are reminiscent of the killer vines in The Ruins, have taken over out there. I tried picking beans Saturday morning and less than ¼ of the way down the vines were so thick they were tripping me and keeping me from finding my beans. Steve was supposed to take the weed eater through there but he was sidetracked by stringing up tomatoes. One of my new goals is to get a lightweight weed eater that I can handle so I don’t have to depend on him and his schedule. (because you all know I’m super impatient so it KILLS me waiting on someone).

My little garden is doing very well this year though. It’s driving me insane that part of my boxes are not planted but I’m reserving space for fall crops! I did get green beans canned last week and this week I’m going to work on canning some beets and tomatoes!

So what’s for dinner? A Very uncoordinated plan of things that probably do not go together but that’s okay:

Green beans and new potatoes and corn (probably served up with Turkey Melts)
Turkey Melts
Veggie Pizza
Baked Spaghetti
Biscuits, eggs, grits

I have a long weekend coming up, and I have lofty goals of yardwork/gardening but I have this dream in the back of my mind that I can and make preserves etc. I guess we shall see which one wins out!

Happy Summer ya’ll!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Good Things from a Beesting

I’ve had a fairly interesting week. Sometimes our wishes are answered in mysterious ways. I was wondering how I was going to make it through this week. I was waiting on other people at work so I had little to do to occupy my time. I had a ton of work at home but could not justify an unpaid day off to do it. Then I got stung. Granted, not the best way to take time off work and not fully productive either as the benedryl knocks me out but not a totally unpleasant way to catch up on sleep and sleep through the AF cramps. I was able to catch up on laundry, can green beans, vacuum, go to the pool store, clean the bedroom and do a ton of chores in between icing my arm and sleeping on the sofa.

When I came back to work things had been done in my absence so now I have plenty to keep me occupied through next week! YAY! I get to start the weekend doing things I want to do (like working on the pool, stringing up beans, making peach jam) versus things I have to do (clean house, run errands).

To top it off, I jumped on the scales this morning to see the damage I had done by laying around the house eating everything in sight thanks to AF (including icecream, hot chocolate, chocolate milk, watermelon, squash pie, and chicken noodle soup-the high sodium canned kind) and to my pleasant surprise I lost five pounds. WHAT? You mean, I work my arse off, eat little and gain weight, but can lay around eating everything and lose weight? My body is seriously fucked up. I’m now sure that my weekend weight gain was all water and bloat. I was definitely bloated.

It’s a little depressing that I’m not knocked up. I’m going to give Clomid another month as I’m not completely sure I didn’t ovulate on the 14th day last month and have a long LP versus ovulating late and having a super short LP. So we will give it one more try versus wasting a month completely waiting on an appt with an RE as I will be starting Clomid today and I’m pretty sure I can’t get into see an RE THAT fast!

I can’t help but see the date I conceived Bumblebee creeping closer and closer on the calendar and I have such mixed emotions about that. Will it make it harder if I conceive the same month and have to go through all the dates again? Will it make it easier and feel like I have a second chance with the same spirit? I don’t know! I think making the appts and having to go through the loss dates are going to be even scarier if everything is the same though. How did that happen? How has it been a year already?

We are cancelling our insurance through DH’s work which is a tremendous savings but man is it scary! We have to start over with deductibles for this year but hopefully we won’t have any major events and need to worry about that anyway. For the next week there is nothing I can do about my fertility or anything else (including my super shallow budget till payday NEXT WEEK) so I am going to enjoy my yardwork, my home, and one of my favorite holidays. Fingers crossed the pool will be ready for a last minute party. That would make me happy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Bumblebee

I have not forgotten you. Yes, I'm depressed and ill because its yet another failed month, AF is here AGAIN with an 8 day LP but really, the beesting? Was completely unnecessary.

I really do not need a softball size swollen knot on the back of my arm that itches and hurts to side track me from the failed cycle. Another baby will never make me forget you so it is safe to resume your play with the other angels and quit sending the bees after mommy. K? Thanks


Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I want to be really upset today. My headache is coming back, I didn't get the beans done last night, and my temp dropped this morning.

But I can't. Because today all I can think of is my dear friend who lost her mother last night and my heart breaks for her. I know we will always continue to live and let the trivial and big things get to us. We will always need to vent but in the face of an event like this, things just don't seem so important or worthy of getting upset over.

There is enough in our lives to cause us pain. I don't feel like causing myself anymore self inflicted stress today over things that I can or can't change. They just are. I will reserve my brain power and good thoughts for my friends family.

I love you R.

Coconut Cream Trifle

For my mom’s birthday (which falls at Father’s Day every year), I had planned on making coconut cream cupcakes. Due to a wedding I forgot we had to go to, I decided it would be a little simpler to make a trifle instead so I didn’t have to wait on cooling to ice etc. This turned out really well. It is SO rich. Mom claims it’s the best thing she’s ever eaten, but she may be a little biased and I’m not sure anyone loves coconut as much as she does.

This took a little longer than I expected just because of the cooling times for the cream. Assembling it is a breeze and would be awesome with some slivered almonds, chocolate chips or fruit like pineapple to give the layers more color and depth!

1 white cake mix baked per instructions
1 15oz can of Cream of Coconut
½ cup sugar
2 tbs cornstarch
2 cups heavy cream
¾ cup powdered sugar
1 tsp coconut extract
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1 bag shredded coconut


Bake Cake per instructions and set aside to cool. (I used a bunt pan).

In a 350 degree oven (I did this while the cake was cooking), spread the shredded coconut on a cookie sheet. Bake in oven for 7-10 minutes, stirring every few minutes. Be careful. It burns easily. Set aside to cool.

In a medium sauce pan over medium heat bring coconut cream, sugar and cornstarch to a slow boil. Stir constantly. Reduce heat to medium low and stir until mixture is slightly thick. Pour into a glass bowl and let cool. Stir occasionally to release heat to cool it faster.

In a stand mixer, beat cream until whipped. Once stiff peaks have formed halve the mixture. Place one half with half of the cooled coconut cream mixture, folding together and refrigerate until assembly. Whip the other half for a minute more adding the coconut extract and powdered sugar till blended. You can store this in the refrigerator as well until needed.

To assemble: Stir the condensed milk into the coconut cream mixture (the half that doesn’t have the whipped cream in it). Set out all your layers: Cake (cubed), coconut Cream, Whipped coconut cream, whipped cream, toasted coconut. Start your layers in your trifle bowl with cake. Pour 1/3 of the coconut cream. Sprinkle with toasted coconut. Add 1/3 of the whipped coconut cream, sprinkle with coconut and then 1/3 of the whipped cream. Repeat 2 more times, topping with the remaining toasted coconut. Refrigerate for a few hours before serving for best taste.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Menu Monday

Another week has passed. Where does the time go? One minute I’m sweating over weeds in a garden and picking beans, the next I’m back at work on a Monday wondering what I’m going to prepare this week. I have no time to cook in the evenings with all this gardening going on!

I did get a chance to bake this weekend for father’s day. I made my father a squash pie and my mom (it was her birthday) a Coconut Cream Trifle. I will get those recipes posted soon!

I’m going to attempt to make these items this week as I need to cook out of the freezer to make room for all the veggies I need to put up as well as cook some of these veggies!!

Buttermilk chicken Tenders
Garlic Roasted Chicken
Chicken salad (made from roasted chicken leftovers)
Fried Cabbage
Squash Pie (I have filling left over so I just need to make or buy a crust)
Squash Fritters
Japanese Stir Fry (Homemade)
Grilled cheeseburgers with homemade coleslaw
Zuchini Bread (for breakfasts)
Veggie Gratin
Green Beans with Potatoes (have some getting soft) and corn (from a can)
Glazed Sautéed beets and carrots

What’s In the garden this week?
Beets and carrots (from Mom’s garden)
Green beans
Salad tomatoes
Cucumbers(will have them by the end of the week)

Fruit in Season: Peaches, blueberries and Blackberries

Also, It's the first day of SUMMER!! Happy Longest Day of the Year!

McFatty Monday: Spiraling Out of control and hatin'

I’m disgusted. I busted my ass this weekend. I sweated gallons. I pushed myself harder than ever. I’m sore and exhausted. My late ovulation and temps hanging just above the coverline are sucktastic and depressing so I was hoping the scales would offer me some relief but they only added to my misery.
So I’m right back to that stupid plateau weight. And I want to cry. I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m frustrated and tired of being depressed about it. But I can’t stop, because I see pictures of myself from a wedding this weekend in a dress I love and I look hideous. It’s like I never lost the weight and I’m back to my heaviest where I am grotesquely obese. I hate that my arms are the last place to lose but even my face looks bloated and it had slimmed down! Did I gain the three pounds in my face?! I don’t know whats going on but I look at these pictures and I want to throw up.
I feel fat and ugly. I hate my body and my uterus. Right now I hate myself because I can’t seem to get on the right path to do something right about it. I think I’m doing great and I gain! I keep trying to fit more and more in. I can’t give up the garden because it provides me with healthy foods and exercise. I can’t give up the pool because it will provide me with exercise and it would ruin my property value and aesthetics if I let it go to crap. I can’t not clean my house, I would go insane. So if I fit more exercise I’m giving up rest and sleep and I’m exhausted and sore all the time anyway. I know: energy breeds energy. That is why I am disgusted with myself. I’ve made all these changes: water, foods, processed foods, soft drinks, caffeine, smoking even. In the past year I’ve made myself over but for this one thing. It (and carbs) are holding me back. Why can I not break through this? Why am I keeping myself miserable?
Jillian Micheals was in my dream last night. I was a balloon handler in a parade (like the giant cartoon characters). This really fat girl jumped out of a window (from 80 stories up…LOL) grabbed the balloon ropes and slid down the balloon. We were all amazed and thought she was crazy and suicidal but she took a place in line with us. At the end of the parade we were going into a banquet/party for the participates but they wouldn’t let my group in because we were 1 over. Everyone looked at the fat girl to step out of line and she glared back at all of us. We were holding up the whole parade so I stepped out and she smugly walked in with everyone (as people we held up glared at me thinking I was the problem to begin with) while I was left alone in the pouring rain.
Jillian came up and asked what I was going to do about it. I said I was going to go to the gym and work out my anger and hurt. She gave me a hug, said “good girl”, and disappeared and left me alone in the rain and dark. So I was trying to get back to my car which was miles away where the parade had started. I ran into a man and his daughter. She was really young and tired and cold. She had ridden a horse in the parade and they were trying to get back to the start but all the cars were back in the city streets and it was raining so hard. I told them I would ride the horse back and he could take his daughter in a warm cab. As I got on the horse and headed toward “home”, I woke up. The dream was so vivid.
What does that say? I feel there was definitely a message in there. Was that the real giving, caring me showing myself what the fat bitter girl is doing to me? What do you think?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Mind = Gone (FUCK YOU FF)

I’m so depressed right now, I want to scream. My temp was up this morning so I thought, awesome, I’ll test tomorrow. I feel good. Then I put my temp into FF and it finally gave me cross hairs. Solid ones! THREE FUCKING DAYS AGO, after we gave up and quit having sex. Last month I ovulated way earlier than I ever have before and missed it. This month I ovulated LATE and we were too worn out to keep going. WHAT THE FUCK?

Why is everything conspiring against me to have a child? Am I really that bad of a person that I can’t get one little fucking break?

I don’t know what I believe. I didn’t have any O pain’s three days ago. The only pains I’ve had is constipation and low back pain. I had the tender soreness with painful sex back on day 14. Though four days ago, it was a little tender during sex again but not like before. I want to believe that if I did just O because temps don’t lie, that I have a chance. I had sex the day before O but at the same time I’m so disgusted with the whole situation I just don’t have it in me to do another 2ww and have hope anymore. I was planning to test tomorrow. I guess there’s no point. I just want to curl up in a dark place and cry.

I’ve been trying to have a good week and keep my mind off this mess because I really wanted to believe this was going to be a good cycle. Despite not having cross hairs and thinking I o’d I really wanted to believe it would be okay. DH started back to school and I’ve been super productive each night cleaning the house, cooking, dealing with the garden etc. I’ve gone to bed each night completely exhausted and sore but feeling good about all I’ve accomplished.

I was happy it was Friday. Looking forward to spending tonight in my garden and despite having a million and one errands to do tomorrow, excited about testing in the morning. I felt positive (with a little fear) and was determined to continue my great productivity.

All of that just went out the window. With the solid crosshairs after I’d given up, I deflated like a balloon. I don’t know why I’m more anxious this time around. I don’t know why I’m more neurotic but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I want off the roller coaster but after three years of trying, two years of charting, I don’t even know how to stop.

We are tired. Sex feels like a chore. I don’t enjoy it at all anymore. I just want it done. Thanks to the meds, my breasts and vag fucking hurt all the time. They are super sensitive and I want to knock his head off when he touches me. Sex is painful. It’s a duty. I don’t like what we’ve become.

And I’m tired of people telling me to relax. I can’t fucking relax you stupid morons. I HAVE TO THINK about this shit. I have to analyze everything. I HAVE TO TAKE MEDS because my stupid body doesn’t fucking work. YOU’VE OBVIOUSLY RELAXED YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE TOO MUCH because you clearly can’t think logically and with any intelligence whatsofuckingever.

I take it back. I don’t want to curl up in a dark place. I WANT TO FUCKING BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING. I need a punching bag, STAT.

My emotions are out of control over this. I’m irrational and I’m mean. I’m not good to be around. The weeds are in trouble tonight because all hell (pissed off me) is breaking loose in my garden tonight. I’ve got to work this emotional tornado out of my system or I’m going to go apeshit on someone and it won’t be pretty. I’m losing my mind.

And just like that I get an email that takes the wind out of my sails.

Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped into a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call The Law of the Garbage Truck. He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, resentments, anger, and frustration; so keep that little spigot we all have at our side shut off. CHOOSE to not let it in because when you do, it will surely contaminate that great work you have planned for this fantastic day!

I let me emotions get to me but I won’t edit it out. You can see the garbage that I had filling me up and I let myself go. Now I’m back to being depressed and miserable but at least I’m not spewing garbage at everyone. I’m definitely losing my mind.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

2WW psychosis 101: aka BUCKIN loses her mind

Now my chart looks more an-ovulatory thanks to the lovely spike. Let’s break it down though. We can disregard this huge spike since I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

If we assume I ovulated on day 14 which is what I’m leaning toward, then the small spike would be perfectly in line with an implantation spike that I have experienced with my BFP’s as would the flat line temps.

We can also keep the large spike today if my temp stays up tomorrow as a normal increase if I were pregnant.

I’m fluctuating between anger and disbelief that I didn’t ovulate and positivity and excitement in the feeling I’m pregnant. (I’m delusional and insane currently…really I am over this.)

Just for funsies my body decided to throw sever low back pains and exhaustion on top of my psychosis. Oh wait, those were early pregnancy symptoms too! See isn’t this FUN?!

The fact that PMS and pregnancy symptoms are so much alike is mother natures asskick to women with IF. (okay anyone who is trying but especially those who try for a long time IF or not).

So that is where I am today. Tired, ill, moody and hoping I really did O and that my temps look good through Saturday for a BFP. (I’m dreaming. I know and am waiting for the inevitable let down and depression). At least I was poetic for a few days and move quickly though right?

I’m like one of those bouncy balls from a 25 cent machine that drive parents insane bouncing out of control. Up, down, rolling around, teasing the cat then freaking her out. Yep that’s me. Are we having fun yet?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Peach and Blueberry Sonker

I promised I would list every version and concoction of the Sonker through the summer. This one is not much different then the previous post but here it is. I am trying to clean out my freezer to make room for fresh preserves. I found a lone package of peaches frozen from last year. The package was small so not enough to do the traditional peach sonker but I mixed it with a pint of blueberries and some vanilla for a flavorful purple pie full of antioxidants and southern goodness. I can not express the simple goodness of this pie. I put this together with hardly any time while waiting for my ingredients to cook for my zucchini casserole. Both items went in the oven together. I turned the oven off when I took the casserole out and let the pie finish baking as the oven cooled down. When we were done with dinner, the pie was ready! How perfect can you get for a summer dessert?

2 cups sliced peaches
1 pint blueberries
2 sticks of butter
2 cups of sugar
2 cups milk
2 cups Self Rising Flour
1 tsp vanilla


In a 350 degree oven, melt butter in 9 x 13 casserole dish. When butter is melted, whisk in sugar and flour. Slowly whisk in milk and vanilla. When there are no lumps spread fruit evenly across surface. Bake for 45 minutes.

Zucchini Casserole II

I use zucchini and squash in various ways: zucchini bread, fried squash cakes, zucchini crab cakes, squash pie, calico squash casserole, stuffed zucchini parmesan and even Zucchini Almond Biscotti.

This year I am on a mission to expand my repertoire for this versatile, healthy and abundant vegetable. First up for the year? A new version of a simple zucchini casserole.

4 ½ cups peeled zucchini cut in cubes
1 can Healthy Request Cream of chicken soup
1 container of light sour cream (8 oz)
4 large carrots peeled and coined
1 medium white onion chopped
1 stick of butter
1 sleeve Ritz Wheat Crackers
1 small can of French’s Fried Onion topping
Salt and pepper to taste

Boil Zucchini until just tender. Meanwhile, sauté carrots and onion in butter until tender. Drain zucchini. Remove carrots and onions from heat. Add soup and sour cream, salt and pepper directly to carrots and onion mixture. Stir in zucchini. Crumble ¾ of the crackers into mixture and stir gently. Pour into a greased casserole dish ( I used an 8 inch round corning ware soufflé dish). Top with the rest of the crackers crumbled and the can of French’s Onion topping. Bake at 350 for about 35 minutes.

Menu Monday-Zucchini Edition

So my garden is flourishing. I even picked my first tomatoes this weekend. Granted they are salad tomatoes but a tomato is a tomato! We also pulled up most of the cabbage this weekend so they didn’t bolt in the high heat like the rest of my broccoli did. I think I have three broccoli plants left and a few small heads of cabbage. Even more squash and zucchini came in though. I’ve been giving cabbage and zucchini and squash away by the bag full. I’m just not ready to go into canning/freezing mode. I need to make Saur kraut but I don’t have the time. I will rely on the fall crop for that I suppose. We only need a good dozen cans to get through the winter anyway and that doesn’t take that many heads to get.

Our small garden is ready for its second round of planting which I will be working on this week. Until that is done, I will be cooking our produce instead of worrying about preserving it. I’m not quite sure I can keep up with the yields but I’ll give it the old college try. This is a week full of garden goodness:

From the Simply In Season Cookbook:

Vegetable Pasta Salad pg 109
Squash Fritters pg 122
Italian Zucchini Pie pg 136
Zucchini Cookies
Zucchini Brownies

Baked Chicken
Fried Potatoes

Fried Cabbage

Towards the weekend I’ll probably do some more homemade Cole slaw and grilled burgers too.

What’s on your menu this week? Are you reaping the benefits of your garden or local farmer’s market yet? I have to admit I haven’t been to the farmer’s market in two weeks thanks to my garden though I really need some filler ingredients that I don’t grow. That is definitely on the agenda next weekend.

McFatty Monday

Another Monday has come. They sneak up so fast. There is never enough time to get everything done. We worked diligently in the garden/yard this weekend despite the insane heat and the severe afternoon storms.

I drank gallons of water and sweated out the same, but I kept going. I definitely got a workout and I fueled myself with spinach noodle spaghetti with ground turkey, turkey bacon and homemade biscuits, zucchini casserole and subway. I’m trying very hard to change over to better carbs and give up my much loved pasta. It’s been weeks since I’ve had my addictive Creamy Pea Pasta. My downfall this weekend? Hot chocolate. At the end of a long hard day, I showered and curled up on the sofa with my dog and a starbucks Venti Hot cocoa. BOTH DAYS. Good for the soul, bad for the diet. I didn’t sleep well this weekend either but I’m hoping the forward motion on the garden will keep me motivated to get things done in the evenings.

Gardening and yard work especially in the heat are great exercise. We made headway on the pool as well. It is blue and starting to get clearer. We definitely have water mold again this year but now we know how to handle it so its all about patience and diligence. I hate that we are already into the high temps of summer and can’t use the pool but I’ll be okay as long as its ready by July 4th which will be cutting it close for sure.

I also need to focus on my house this week. I alternate between the yard getting done and the house getting done. This weekend was definitely a yard weekend so this week I need to focus on getting the house clean! All great exercise but I really need to work on fitting in some exercise on top of that. My husband starts back to school this week so maybe I can incorporate some exercise on days he’s at school. That’s always been the goal but I’ve fallen short on that goal. New season, new focus though. Speaking of, I was diligent about the sunscreen this weekend. If any of you know me, you know I don’t use sunscreen. I tan easily and I tend to LOVE the sun but I have found in recent years that working outside and tanning are two different things. I can TAN by the pool and not get burnt but I can work outside and not think about it and get burnt in a heartbeat. So I broke out the Waterbabies spf 50 this weekend. I’m happy to report: NO BURNS and nice browned shoulders. Thank you very much (RACHEL). So if I can change that habit I can change exercise right? RIGHT? Right.

I’ve got to focus on something or I’ll go insane. I’m torn between giving up for awhile because I’m exhausted of constantly thinking about it or going full fledge to get my mind off the lack of progress in the baby department. Focusing on the weight is getting disheartening. I gained two pounds since last Monday despite all the work and sweating and sore muscles. It seems so unfair. I’ve made so many positive changes, I’m really trying and when I do get more exercise than normal, I gain. I’m stuck in weight and I’m stuck in the reproduction aspects. I’m stuck in a boring job I’m not fond of in a bad economy. I’m trying very hard not to slip into full blown FML depression or apathy. I’m not sure how not to or not to go home and dive into a huge piece of pie and icecream because I’m frustrated with the scales.

When you are on a plateau or fighting a certain three or four pounds for so long, how do you stay motivated?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Still confused...

but my garden looks fabulous. LOL My hands, wrists, shoulders and back are so sore from venting my frustrations over my cycle. My husband even came in behind me with our new sex Troy Built tiller and fluffed up everything. Then a heavy storm came up...ofcourse. FML. One step forward, two steps back.

I feel like somehow I stepped off the journey of life and onto a treadmill. I can see the future and see how these amazing things but I can never get to them.

It's depressing. I thought I was past this point. I thought since it worked before, it was just a matter of popping pills and having sex this time. I know better but I thought for once maybe I would get a break and only have to worry about sTAYING pregnant, not getting pregnant. How could I have been so stupid? I KNOW BETTER! Yet it still didn't prevent me from thinking and hoping for it.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

FF Roger That

So I was highly disturbed that I was not getting Crosshairs on my chart. So I went back looking at my past charts and see that there really isn't a nice shift or a good pattern. It looks like a typical anovulatory chart which pisses me off and makes me want to cry.

I'm on the highest level of Clomid and even between the miscarriage and when I started clomid again I was still ovulating. Now suddenly I'm not showing any signs. My cervix is high, I've had no CM this time around at all.

It's only day 19 but I would have to have a major drop in temps to have an ovulation now. I had the typical pain on day 14. I really thought I ovulated but if I did, it wasn't any good.

I'm really disturbed by all this, I can't lie. I'm sinking into depression over it I think. I guess I'll go vent my frustration on my garden weeds.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Waiting and Dreams

Has it come and gone again so soon? I’m already in another two week wait? FF hasn’t confirmed yet but by the temps, position of my cervix, pain in myute and excruciating sexual experience, I’m pretty sure I’m 3 DPO.

I didn’t do the POM juice or the pineapple this time. I am drinking green tea but that’s just because I’ve gotten to where I love it.

I’m very confident with our timing this time. (You kind of have to be with sex EVERYDAY!) Whether it will “catch” or not or if the egg was released good quality are two different things. So now we wait. Okay we continue to have sex just in case and we wait.

I freaked myself out last night. I keep remembering the truly heinous experience I had with my miscarriage and the bad reaction to the anesthesia during the d&E. I had a full blown panic attack lying in bed asking myself “how can I do this?” I’m scared to death of never having a baby. I’m more scared of pregnancy, loss, labor and having a baby!

People think that because you suffer from IF you lose all unease about pregnancy and babies because you become desperate to experience it. NOT TRUE! Honestly, my fears have grown tremendously since my miscarriage and experiences. Maybe I’m not the norm but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

On loss boards I’ve seen it said that you know when you ready when the desire to have a baby outweighs your fear. I guess that’s true because my fear isn’t stopping me from trying (now) but it (desire) certainly doesn’t make the fear shut up and go away.

Behind every hope and excitement, fear lurks. I used to be brave, brash and bold (the three B’s of bitchdom yo!) but now I’m a timid, fearful stressed out wuss. I’m living with that but it’s not easy that’s for sure.

I have one wish above and beyond a baby. When I do become pregnant again, I will be able to enjoy it and experience all that excitement and wonder and joy of pregnancy. I don’t want to live the entire time fearing loss, trying not to get attached, waiting for it to end.

I know its going to be hard, especially the first trimester. But I won’t even feel safe then because of all the late term losses I’ve witnessed. How do I ever feel true uncomplicated joy again without all this fear? I don’t want to waste anymore of my life on fear and pain and grief.
I want to live and love and be hopeful everyday that I have. If I only get 10 weeks with another baby, I want to enjoy and treasure every second of it because it may be my last opportunity to hold my child’s’ soul and heart that close to mine. I don’t want to spend 10 weeks fearing the loss and pain to come but 10 weeks treasuring the moments of carrying such precious cargo.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Quick Garden Update

Just wanted to do a quick touch base. I've had a busy few weeks between getting the pool open, dealing with an overgrown jungle of a garden with all the rain and storms we've had, in-laws in and our shopping extravaganza etc.

Over the weekend we picked several cabbage and about 6 zuchini per day. Last night we have even more cabbage ready, collard greens ready, and we picked 10 zuchini and 16 squash! HOLY MOLY. I'm not ready to preserve this stuff yet! It's too early, my freezer isn't cleaned out.

I'm physically pulling my hair out, giving away produce and fixing meals from the freezer to clean it out.

Oy Vey. But I'm here. and Kicking and while Steve is out on semester break from school we are definately spending time together and working on the yard etc. Don't worry, I'll be back with a few recipes soon and hopefully pictures shortly after that as we should be getting my laptop fixed soon so I will have better access!! YAY!

Subway Tirade aka The Day I lost all class at the Mall

Saturday while shopping, I was having stomach issues. Before we left the mall, I decided to duck into Subway, use the facilities and grab a drink. I had no sooner stepped into the bathroom when someone jerked on the door handle and proceeded to bang on the door. So I yelled out, “someone’s in here!”
I sat down. 30 seconds later they pounded on the door. So I yelled out “Jesus, give me a minute!”
Thus proceeded with continuous pounding and jerking on the door while I sat there with my stomach gurgling about to cry I was so mad. I jerked that door open to not a child doing the pee pee dance but a 25 yo asshole on a cell phone and his Barbie girlfriend beating on the door. I went OFF. It went something like this:

Me: WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM? DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY PATEIENCE AT ALL OR ARE YOU JUST SO FUCKING RUDE BECAUSE YOUR SLACKASS PARENTS NEVER TAUGHT YOU MANNERS? You can’t wait one GD minute to use the fucking restroom and give someone else peace? How would you like to be in there with someone acting like a child beating on the door?

Her: Honey he banged on the door first.


Girl darts in bathroom and slams door. I was two seconds from kicking the door in I was so livid. He stares at me and finally when I start walking away and everyone in the restaurant is cowering and staring he says “Well EXCUSE me” really loud.

So I turn and yell “You’re EXCUSED ASSHOLE.” And storm out.

It took me 3 hours to calm down. I realize I probably handled it poorly with all the cursing but I was so angry and sick to my stomach. I still get furious thinking about it. You know how you think of all the good things to say AFTER a confrontation is over? Yea, that’s me, replaying the various ways I could have handled it. I could have been extremely demeaning and treated them like the trash they were in calm superior lecturing tones. I could have just sat in the bathroom and banged back on the door to piss them off for 30 minutes in passive aggressive splendor. I could have said other things. I didn’t have to use foul language or the Lord’s name in vain (which I feel REALLY bad about). But most of all I WISH my last line had been “THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOU.”

What is wrong with people today? Yea, I was not on my best behavior and my language was obnoxious and classless. I get that. I own that. BUT MY GOODNESS, do people not “raise” their children anymore? Why on earth would anyone stand outside a bathroom door and beat on it knowing someone is trying to use the restroom inside? I have never in my life encountered something so rude. Maybe I have. Maybe it just hit home because I was sick to my stomach but I can’t imagine doing that to someone. I’ve been in that situation, where I NEEDED the toilet. Guess what? The men’s room works just as well and you had your BF to stand guard. How difficult is that? Why would you choose to harass a perfect stranger over that option?

I know you can’t tell by my verbal assault (that was in every word in poor taste and definitely made a scene) but I’m a nice person. I always try to be considerate of other people in public places. I would never dream of doing what they did. Maybe they deserved every ounce of what they got but I feel like a horrid person for creating such a trashy scene in public and I can’t let it go because I’m embarrassed over it and yet, still angry about it. I’m opinionated and brash but I try not to draw negative attention because I’m also a slight bit of a snob.

I honestly don’t think if I saw them again, I would apologize, I would probably go off and tell them all the things I thought of AFTER I left. LOL. Oh well. Chalk one more point up on the White Trash board for me. I’ll live with it.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Menu Monday

I actually have NO IDEA what I'm making this week because I spent the whole weekend working in the garden and shopping. (my life is terrible right?)

I do know I have a ton of zuchini and cabbage so the menu will include:

Zuchini bread and Fried Cabbage. LOL

the rest will look something like this:

Turkey Pot Pie (made two last night, so one will be dinner on Tuesday)

Baked Spaghetti with Spinach Wheat noodles


Grilled Cheese with Bean Soup

We shall see though. This is DH's last week off of school (semester break) so we are trying to get this stupid pool cleared up and the garden worked on. I'm sure I'll be back to some cooking next week, especially since we are starting to get vegetables in that have to be prepared/put away. My kitchen and I will be getting REAL friendly here soon.

McFatty Monday

Do you ever go shopping and buy a few (or several) new things? Do you wake up on a Monday morning not minding the week ahead because you are excited about the new clothes you get to wear? I forgot how good that felt. Two months back I raided my mom’s and sister’s closets looking for smaller clothes. It felt great wearing my “skinny” pants and new (to me) shirts that were fitted & smaller but I have not really been shopping since losing the weight. (minus one dress I bought courtesy of my blog girls gift card for my birthday)..

Armed with birthday money & gift cards (and my husband with a cattle prod as I hate spending money), I finally bought some new clothes. (Oy Vey did I spend the money!) I should do fashion show reminiscent of Blair’s “dress me” posts! LOL I came home with: new dress, black sweater, handkerchief top, hippie top, 3 sets of jewelry to coordinate, 2 pairs of shoes and 5 pair of sassy underwear. Sadly, no bottoms.  I was looking for a brown pair of Capri pants and maybe a black pair, but they didn’t have any I liked. Everything is distressed jeans! UGH!

Last night, I gave myself a fresh mani/pedi. This morning I actually hot rolled my hair. Armed with my new black and white handkerchief top with yellow trim, yellow accessories, black sweater, slim black dress pants and new black leather/cork sandals and smoky eye shadow I trotted into work feeling very sissified and ready to conquer a Monday.

Then it got BETTER! I hopped on the scales and I’m back down to my low weight. (46 lbs down, 1 pounds away from goal). I’ve been fighting 3-4 pounds for awhile now. I finally kicked its butt and I hope this is just the beginning.

If I can keep up the exercise and energy aspect, I think I can easily plow past my goal. I would love to drop another pant size. I’m right on the verge where I can get into them but they give me camel toe. LOL

This weekend was a marathon of shopping with the in-laws while they were in town (we have a lot more/better stores). Saturday night, I ached from all the walking. Yesterday was more shopping and errands, weeding, staking/stringing tomatoes, picking garden, cleaning pool plus household chores. Exhausting! I think being super active though is what lost the weight. It sure wasn’t my spinach lasagna and McDonald’s Milkshake or the Fountain Coke I had!

Sometimes I think we just have to take the time and live. Change it up so your body doesn’t get too comfortable, but keep on. Don’t give up and slip into old routines because what I’ve learned on this extended plateau is even though I’m not losing, I’m maintaining without trying by sticking to simple changes. And that is an accomplishment that has kept me sane.

And BTW Blair, You are definately not the only one that thinks about food all day. I WAKE UP in the morning thinking about lunch and as soon as I'm done eating that, I'm mentally preparing dinner. On days like today, when its Menu Monday on my FOOD blog (hello, thinking about food all the time there), I think about food non stop, all day long. It's normal.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Blueberry Sonker

Growing up, I always looked forward to peach season. I LOVE peaches. They are probably one of my favorite fruits. There was something else about peach season I loved: Dessert. My momma was never one to bake desserts often. She could bake, don’t get me wrong, but it was for special occasions. She was a busy woman with two unruly girls to raise, gardens, farming, house and yard and a family business to deal with. So baking desserts wasn’t high priority and truth be told, none of us needed it anyway.

Oh the peaches though. We would get a box on the way home from the beach and we would have peach EVERYTHING. Peach ice cream, peaches in milk, peaches on cereal and Peach Cobbler were the highlights of childhood summers (okay, that and watermelon but that’s an entirely different story). My momma made the most delicious peach cobbler that she called Easy Pie. Boy was it easy. It was one of the first things I remember making with her and it can be added to and changed at ease (a little vanilla, a little cinnamon and nutmeg, a mix of berries etc).

Since I’ve grown up, I still make it but have learned a few things. It’s not just peaches that go well with this dish. It’s any soft fruit. I’ve also recently discovered (thanks to my momma) that this pie has a real name. Fruit pies made like this are called Sonkers. Sonkers is a name completely indigenous to the Mt. Airy, North Carolina area and expands out from there. (That’s Mayberry, as in Andy Griffith to ya’ll). They actually have a Sonker Festival every year complete with Pies of all size and fruit, blue grass music etc. that benefits one of the historical homes in the area.

There are several variations of the traditional Sonker and some argument about what the original was! Some use old biscuits and juicy blackberries. Still other’s make a deep dish fruit pie with dumplings. The most well known is the Easy Pie version.

I’m THRILLED and I am TOTALLY going to go this year. October 2nd. Mark your calendars if you are anywhere close to the area or planning a trip to “my neck of the woods.” I will report back on all the various ways of the Sonker and what is my favorite (though I doubt I will find one to rival my Momma’s but that’s pure sentiment…just don’t tell her that!)

Blueberry Sonker

2 cups Sugar
2 Cups Self-Rising Flour
2 Cups milk
2 sticks of butter
1 pint Fresh Blueberries


Heat oven to 350 degrees. Place butter in a 9 x 13 casserole dish. Melt butter in heated oven. Whisk sugar into melted butter (right in the dish). Add Flour. Slowly whisk in milk. Pour fruit evenly over the top.

Bake for about 40 minutes or until bread is golden brown on top. Enjoy!

As I play with different versions of the Sonker I will definitely post them!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Menu Monday (day late)

Yesterday was Memorial Day, so instead of posting for Menu Monday, I used the holiday to remember those who are brave enough to die for us and spend time with friends. I had intended to work in the garden but unexpected rain prevented that course of action. This week is full of comfort foods with a focus on green vegetables and using what I have plus fresh foods from the farmer’s market.

Memorial Day: Grilled Steaks and Zuchini sticks, potato salad, and blueberry cobbler (and chocolate chip cookies, but I didn’t make them so I can’t claim them! LOL)

Chicken Pot Pie

Broccoli Casserole with Roasted chicken

Spinach Gratins with Turkey Meatloaf

And I always have a back up plan if I don’t feel like a certain meal one night. This weeks back up plan are two items I didn’t get to make this past weekend:
Blueberry Pancakes
Grilled cheese with leftover Bean soup (it’s in the freezer).

(maybe, I don’t think I will have time)
Mint Chocolate Chip Brownies
Orange Chocolate chip Scones

McFatty Monday (a day late)

I admit it, I didn’t really watch what I ate this weekend. I took a Holiday Break for a long weekend. I took a Holiday break for a long weekend. Two Things:
1)Even when not consciously dieting I’ve made healthy changes that stuck.
a) was still conscious of my water intake or lack thereof
b) still watched portions
c) when healthier options were available I went for those without thought
d) chocolate chip cookies are and forever will be my weakness
2) I didn’t gain. I didn’t lose but I didn’t gain.

I’m still hovering 4 lbs away from my goal 2 months later. I’ve been on this plateau for 2 MONTHS. Up and down these 3 pounds. What that tells me is I’ve made the changes and lost all I’m going to on those changes alone. Now I’ve got to step up the plate and make additional changes and exercise more. That’s the only way I will drop this weight, but I also know that I CAN take holiday weekends off to enjoy food with friends and family and not undo everything I’ve worked for. It’s nice to know that.

I think a part of me let the fact that my body was in a tumultuous state last month due to the Clomid and Metformin, mess with my head. As in, “I shouldn’t try too hard to diet because the drugs are counteracting that and I can’t lose weight if I get pregnant anyway. Maybe this is my month.” Well, it wasn’t my month, and I wasted a month with that kind of thinking.

I’ve got to give up this constant frame of mind that “this is my month.” Because let’s be honest, its been three years and I’ve only had ONE “this is my month.” I’m not giving up, by any means, but I can’t put my life back on hold because we are trying with drugs again, because it may not work. It may be the next set of drugs or what have you. I can’t keep putting off going further in my weight loss efforts because I’m focusing on the pregnancy efforts. I have to learn to coincide with those because my weight doesn’t end with pregnancy. I still have to manage it very severely and eat well to avoid gestational diabetes and complications. I KNOW this. I’m prepared for this (as much as I can be). There is just a disconnection in my brain with the whole focusing on more than one aspect of my life at a time. I can’t quite get working on Weight AND pregnancy. I can only seem to focus on one at a time and its throwing me off.

This week I'm focusing on reducing the carbs, cutting back on portions a little bit more and exercise.