Monday, August 31, 2009

Telling DH

As he came in last night from feeding the horses.

Me: So keep April 30th open.

DH: Ok. Why?

Me: (as I produce the pee stick) because you are going to be a Daddy.

DH: (turns away with a teary face. Turns back) I'll believe it when the Dr. tells me its true.

He's much more settled about it today but very happy I'm getting the bloodwork tomorrow to prove it and already taking off work for our first ultrasound and visit.

He even refrained from smacking my ass this afternoon but gently patted it. Which is probably a good thing because I swear I'm carrying this kid in my ass and low back. HOLY FREAKIN' COW I can barely stand up straight. Thank goodness I went to Walgreens on the way home and got pepcid and tylenol. Between the back pain and the hellacious heartburn/reflux, I think its starting to sink in. Now if the stomach cramps that make me nervous would go away, I would be a little less scared of m/c I think.

I will definately try to RELAX and enjoy every moment with my child no matter what: back pain and all.


1st Beta Draw at 8:30am tomorrow!! Hopefully DH will find this proof enough that we are indeed pregnant.

1st ultrasound and appt: September 21st.

From the Fabulous MK

In Honor of Buckin
A Poem:

There once was a girl named Buckin,

She and her man did alot of f*ckin.

She peed on a stick,

Waited while the clock went "tick",

And Preggie Pops now she'll be suckin.

Because I'm neurotic

I took my temp again this morning: 97.7

I took the other HPT with FMU: still pregnant.

I didn't sleep last night. Every twinge or cramp, I panicked. My back is killing me and I didn't have tylenol but I didn't want to put one more IBprofen in my body so that made for a very uncomfortable night.

I am however eating my chef salad leftovers for lunch today with the deli meat on it. LOL

Crap. I have to go re-read everything because it has been so long of trying that I think I've forgotten EVERYTHING.

My main concern today: Call Dr. and make appt. Pick up Metformin prescription and tylenol.

Sunday, August 30, 2009



B FUCKING P. After 2 years 6 months, 4 cycles of Clomid plus 2 cycles of Metformin, I got a BFP!

Right ovary, how I love thee.

So, apparently feeling like you were beat with a baseball bat IS a sign of pregnancy!

Holy shit, I'm pregnant.

May the panic begin!


I'm 17 DPO. My temperature is still 97.7. No upward shift nor downward shift.

Smell of cooked chicken makes me gag. I've had horrid intestinal issues for three days. I'm talking green/brown WATER here. If feeling like someone has taken a baseball bat to your back and ass are signs of pregnancy-I'm having triplets.

I'm so tired. Other than that, nothing. Easily written off as PMS, stomach bug and/or stress from work project.

To appease Isha though, I will swing by and pick up an EPT on the way home from showing a house tonight. I may even take it tonight instead of in the morning since I am 17 DPO. If it were to be positive it would be positive tonight just as easily as tomorrow morning this far into the LP.

I guess fingers crossed if you got them. I'm actually very blase/apprehensive about it. Probably because there is not change in temp so I'm not feeling it. But I will do it given the length of time it has been.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


My back hurts like hell. Someone has used my ass and tail bone for a punching bag and taken a good swift kick between my shoulder blades to boot.

I can't lay down, I can't sit, I can't stand, I can't bend. WTF. I hurt. I hurt bad. FROM HEAD TO FUCKING TOE. This project at work is killing me.

My husband is miserable at work and threatening to quit or get fired. I want to kill him and I feel all of this pressure because we need health insurance. I just wish he would hold out for two more months or go ahead and start LOOKING for another job, DUH. My job and benefits are right around the corner. I can FEEL IT.

I do NOT Need this SHIT right now when I can barely move. Fucking Hell.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

She-Ra with Sore Fingers

Yep, you read that right. I woke up this morning and my whole body hurt, including my fingers. I slept like the dead last night and apparently didn't move at all. I'm sure my DH enjoyed my spreadeagle corpse like state with the elbow in his back and a knee up his ass all night. Bless his heart, the man bitches but he still sleeps with me every night no matter how much of the bed my cat and I take up. A saint he is, I tell ya!

Anyway, this week is CRAZY! I'm running errands, preparing for this purse and wine party on Saturday ( I went from being invited to co-hosting!) and making a birthday cake for a friend of mine. Not to brag on myself but I'm quite the baker and she was so excited when she found out I could make her all time favorite cake, the hummingbird cake complete with Martha Stewart Pineapple flowers. A southern creation that will send your sweet tooth in overdrive. However, the pineapple flowers need to be done in advance so I need to begin on thursday. Plus I'm making chicken salad for the party so I need to cook the chicken on Thursday as well, so I can make the chicken salad on Friday. AAGGGHHH. Sometime during the errand running and food prep I need to clean my darn house. Dishes and vacuuming and bathrooms and bill paying would make me happy. I don't ask for much! I just don't have enough time! I didn't get home till 8pm last night and had dinner to fix, dogs to take out, mail to deal with, groceries to put away and whiney butt hubby with a sinus headache to baby!

::breathe:: I am She-Ra, hear me roar (by the power of grayskull). I can do this.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Alas, I knew it was a fluke. One little "fuck you" before AF shows up. My chart is literally flipping me off. I'm 10 dpo so my temp will start to drop tomorrow. By Tuesday or Wednesday I'm sure I'll be cursing Mother Nature yet again.

Atleast my girls from highschool kept me company yesterday and we had a blast. It was a nice refreshing change having a girls day.

::puts fishing pole away::

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Things that make you go HMMM

I know I've been a terrible creepy internet friend and blog follower lately. I promise I've been skimming blogs on my list. (MK, yours doesn't show up on my list and I have to remember to go to favorites atleast once a week, but I swear I do read). So while it may seem my stalking skills are quite pathetic and I'm not making quite an effort to entertain everyone in my writing, its just been a little crazy lately. I haven't abandoned you or my efforts in TTC.

I'm currently in the 2ww, despite my nonfunctioning right ovary (it functions after all), despite not having sex this month (we accidentally hit around the time by sheer dumb luck) and despite not having any hope for the month.

Despite ALL that, my chart is doing interesting things and I can't help but go HMMMM and have this tiny little flicker of hope. In ten cycles of charting, I've had three ovulations with decent thermal shifts but no pretty 2ww climbs. My numbers are always just even until the drop. The first month, when it stayed above the cover line, I got excited. I've sense learned that those charts aren't that pretty. It's the wonky spikes and climbs that give you the nice BFP charts. So you can imagine the skip in my heart when my temp jumped this morning!

LOOK AT MY CHART! (throws out a fishing pole). I know its probably a fluke and I'm doomed to disappointment, but for one day, I will have hope. I can be disappointed later.

So today, I'm going to enjoy my little slice of sunshine. I'm going to go to the farmer's market and pool store. Come back and clean my house while watching the Hannah Montana movie (shut your mouth, I admit it freely) and enjoy my girlfriends who are coming by later. I don't know if we will get to enjoy the pool (which its kinda gross anyway with all the dead algae dirt on the bottom) but we will hang and have fun and today will be good.

Before I go, LOOK AT MY CHART. yikes.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Doggie Mom Panic

Sometimes I wonder if I will be a good mom. I get through crisis with a firm grip and low emotion but when its over, I melt down. When something happens to one of my furbabies I freak, I can only imagine what I would do if my human child went through the same thing.

Something happened to Cody last night. One minute we are watching TV the next minute DH is saying, "somethings wrong with Cody." I look over and my little boy is trembling and going into a seizure. I told DH to pick him up as he was rolling over on his back. DH stands him up and his poor little head is falling to the left, his whole body is shaking and a stream of drool is steadily coming out of his mouth and his eyes, god his eyes are looking at me like "mom please help, I don't understand." It absolutely broke my heart and I couldn't do anything but call my sister who used to be a Vet tech and grab the stuff I thought we would need to go to the Emergency Vet while DH kept him upright.

It all happened so fast but it seemed like time stood still. After a minute his little body started heaving and DH jumped up to head to the bathroom with him. He made it half way down the hall before Cody threw up everywhere. I couldn't believe so much could come out of a little dog. It was all over my hardwood floors, splashed on the walls. DH climbed in the tub with him and washed his mouth out with water, cleaned him up, calmed him down and it was all over. He stopped shaking, he acted tired but he was fine. I cleaned up the mess, dissected it with my hands to see if I could find anything out of the ordinary. Nothing. After about 15 minutes he was completely back to normal. It had to have lasted 2-3 minutes at most. I went through all the motions calmly. I followed the steps, I gave clear concise descriptions to my sister of what was happening and she calmly told me what to do and what items I need to keep on hand for situations like this. I had such conflicting emotions over the whole thing.

My heart swelling at DH's love and devotion to this small animal knowing what a wonderful and calm father he would make in time of crisis with our children warring with the fact that I can't stand something wrong with my dogs, how in the hell am I going to survive something like this happening to my child? I never melted down but in my heart, there was undeniable panic of what was happening and I felt completely helpless to take away his pain and comfort him. When he was better, he wanted Mommy. It didn't matter that he is always a Daddy's boy and Daddy was the one holding him and getting him through it. He wanted Mommy and wanted to cuddle with me and lick me in the face (mmm doggie throw up breath..loverly) and for once I let him because he needed the comfort and it made me melt (not melt down). I know I will go through the panic and the inner turmoil during every small crisis with both my dogs and my children because of love. You can't help but love these innocent little souls no matter how much pain it causes you but you will do it because of the pain that comes from all that love. That love will make it worth it. All this that I struggle with. All this turmoil and doubt of myself and abilities and decisions of continuing to struggle to have children, I will go through it, because I have so much love to give.

I didn't sleep all night. I kept checking on him. Everytime I got up Scarlett started whining. It was a terrible night. I'm exhausted, feeling poorly and constipated.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Holy Right Ovary Batman

After deciding that my right ovary is screwed (and totally not doing the sex thing this month) I noticed a high temp yesterday and thought "wow, maybe I did ovulate but that's just my luck, I missed it sex wise."

I came in this morning and entered all my weekend temps, and wtf, I have dotted crosshairs. I actually ovulated on a day I had sex too. One of the few this month.

Could it be? Could the month we don't even try be a possible hellish 2ww (notice I'm still not betting on actual insemination). But holy cow, that one took me by surprise. Maybe my right ovary isn't completely dead. Who knew?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Your Favorite Toppings?

Why that would be a large helping of no ovulation and a fucked right ovary please. I just realized I am on CD 22 with no sign of ovulation, no semblance of a decent chart and a dead right ovary yet again. I'm on the highest dose of Clomid plus metformin and still no sign of life on my right ovary. I do have a LOT of pain in my ute but its like concentrated gas pockets that never go away and are constantly sore.

So to top off my horrible sleepless night, I get hit with that. I'm so tempted to say FML but there are always people worse off then me so I can't bring myself to go that far.

Even in the face of bad luck, losing friends and a beloved pet I am thankful for a husband who stands strong by my side and is trying to protect my feelings. I am thankful for NEW friends that have entered my life and some positive changes that may be coming my way in my work. I'm thankful to have steady work and health insurance in this trying economy.

I played the lottery for the first time in my life. Maybe I've had my share of bad and will get lucky with some good. Then I could share it with people I know who need it and spread some joy.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So Emotional, baby.

I can't stop crying. I've been rejoicing in my heart all day that Landon was born (during the time I bet on, sorry Rachel for being right!) and I fell in love when I saw his pictures on the web this afternoon.

Then my heart was broken when I found out I'm going to lose Scarlett. Audrey called me and told me that J has been adamant that she come get Scarlett and return her to the house. He's already filed for divorce and there is wording about Scarlett in there and picked out a house in VA that he and his brother are getting together. He doesn't care to speak to us again (as if ANY of this is our fault) because he doesn't care if we are his friends. He also doesn't care that they owe us 340.00 for Scarlett's surgery ( so I feel I have paid for this dog). He also doesn't care that he has several of our Wii games for his son as well as our PlayStation 2 system and 20 games among other things. Now he wants to take my dog from me as well. My husband is blaming Audrey for this mess as well but is adamant that no one is picking this dog up unless J has the balls to call him and talk to him and give him everything back.

Which puts me in an even worse position because now I feel like I have to be reserved from her (Scarlett) because its already breaking my heart thinking about her leaving and we're going to do what? Hold her for ransom for how long? Have her here in my house attaching to my heart for a longer period of time as blackmail?

I'm so confused and so upset and heartbroken. Its not supposed to go like this! I can't even be there for Audrey right now because I'm so upset about all this. How am I supposed to support her through this divorce when its effecting me now too. Every time I trust a friend and bail them out and loan them things, I get shit on. I'm tired of it and yet I don't want to live my life distrusting the world.

The worst part that keeps coming back to my head, is that being the crazy dog lady was my back up plan. I already started buying the frilly dog clothes and planning on the dog events to keep me occupied when I failed at becoming a mom AGAIN. Now any hope of any kind of parenting is being ripped away from me AGAIN. I can't just replace her because it all centered around her. Why am I constantly being punished.

I have brief shining moments of complete happiness and seeing silver linings and BOOM, a fucking bomb is dropped through my sky.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fall Garden

Ideas for Fall Garden Plantings:
(may try a bed of tomatoes, squash and zuchini, green beans)

Lettuce (leaf and head)
Mustard greens

Maybe my fall garden will be better. I like fall anyway. I always have more energy in fall.

Garden Fail 2009

One would think that with a year that started out extremely wet, our garden's would have been fabulous this year. Not true. What started as a delay in planting due to time constraints and bad weather became a battle against humidity, squash bugs, mildew, blossom rot and black stalkage that I have no clue about.

I finally gave up. I had two or three weeks of excellence and I finally got tired of the battle. I have put up 9 quarts of green beans, 5 quarts of tomatoes (which I had to buy at the farmer's market), 20 bags of zuchini/squash stirfry, and we had an abundance of cucumbers that I didn't do anything with.

My garden is embarrassing. It came in fast and hard before anyone else had the goods...but it also died fast and hard. I'm ready to rip it all out and put in a fall garden but the heat and humidity are wearing me down. I don't have the energy or desire to fight this again this year. I need to step it up though.

I'm in the cooking mood. My yard is horrid. My favorite season is around the corner.

Stick a Fork in Me...I'm Done.

I have been in one of the worst moods and funks this weekend. To the point where I want to hide from the world because I'm not sure I can turn the spigot to my mouth off. I can feel myself ready to spew truth at the world. I always try to be compassionate and understanding to other's points of views and decisions in their life. I am completely over the stupidity though. *Edited*
I'm also tired of being negative. I have been so negative towards EVERYTHING lately. I see the pattern repeating from previous months but yet I can't help the cycle. I can't correct how I feel even though I see the reasons why. I want a change but I don't know how or what to change.
We aren't quite ready to give up and just be the crazy dog parents (though we are seriously leaning that way.)I'm not quite ready to give up on having friends to hang out with either. It's hard realizing that EVERY Single person you used to have fun with is now in a totally different position then you are in. I've always had this happen.
No. I don't think I do anymore. I'm tired, I'm miss negative, and I'm aggrivating myself with this post. I'm definately done.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Sex Fail

So my plan on being a smartass backfired. Backstory: My husband likes his alarm to go off for an hour before he gets up. I've learned to sleep through his alarm so he wakes me up. The iritating part is that I get up, make coffee, take the dogs out, do all this stuff and 90% of the time I come back in and he's still in bed. He's SUPPOSED to be in the shower. This always means I don't get showers in the morning and usually run late.

I should also mention that his favorite way to wake me up: rubbing my breasts and nipples. So this morning as I wake up I get the brilliant idea to jump his bones. which I do. A nice quickie to start the morning. I go do my thing and he immediately gets up and takes a shower. BRILLIANT. I won!

NOPE, I ran late anyway because I thought I would have extra time so I did a few extra things. Not to mention, I get to work and realize I FORGOT TO TEMP!

So while its yay for sex, its BOO for not being able to help determine if the sex will do us any good. (Truly doubtful that I've ovulated or close to it but still).


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sex Deprived

FF has a spot to mark Sleep Deprived but not Sex Deprived. My husband stuck his nose in a new computer nerd book last night and I had to TELL him to put it down so I could turn out the light and go to sleep. By that point I was definately too tired and irritable to have sex and he didn't even try which just pissed me off more.

I had severe pain around the right ovary yesterday (no temp jump, so no ovulation) but its doing something, not sure what. Probably just being a bitch but still. I finally asked this morning if we were just going to ditch this cycle and he said, "I dunno." WTF?

I'm taking these drugs, which I hate, because you want me to do a few more cycles. I'm putting my body through hell not to mention my emotional well being and you are tired? Let me tell you something buddy, I suggest you get your dick in gear because you damn well will try this cycle or you will face the wrath of a pissed off, overdrugged, sex deprived wife. It won't be pretty. I don't care if you are tired and didn't sleep well because of my "whining dog." It happens. A child will be worse. Get the fuck over it and get to gettin'.

In other news: apparently my right ovary makes my mouth cuss like a sailor (or maybe that's just me and I notice it more when I'm irritated on "right ovary month.")

The farrier that came out ripped us off yesterday. $125.00 to trim 3 horses. I've never paid more than 90.00. Jeezus Lapeezus. That hurt. Holistic Pedicures my ass. She was in a freakin' Toyota Camry for goodness sakes, she didn't even have the expensive farrier truck and equipment that everyone else has. Oy Vey. I did get most of the yard mowed, thank goodness. I'm going to finish it (the riding part) this afternoon and try to get some of the push mowing done. Hopefully DH will work on the weedeater because we can't go much longer without one, the weeds are getting ridiculous. I am so ready to work on my garden and start up the fall plantings. I'm completely over this pathetic summer we've had.

I'm hoping to take a break from the house work tomorrow, go have drinks with Audrey and then do the 30 Day Shred. (I might NEED to be a little tipsy to take on Jillian! ha ha )

Monday, August 3, 2009


Well, Scarlett has done more than just distract me from my Ute Woes, she has succeeded in destracting us completely from the end goal. DH and I have not had sex at all this cycle. Granted, our window of opportunity has not yet opened but come on. We have been so caught up in dog stuff, that we've been too exhausted to do anything. I go to bed at night and take my dog with me. DH comes in later puts her in the crate and crawls in. I'm already asleep at this point.

I know its early but I can already FEEL my chart shaping up to be craptastic. I have no faith in my right ovary whatsoever and I definately wasted a month of Clomid. I've also noticed that on the months of my right ovary, my attitude is worse and my negativity is greater. Interesting. I'm not even far into it and I don't even care. I'm also already fighting the feelings of not wanting him to touch me. It's a very odd sensation following the patterns.

My right ovary is dead to me. DEAD TO ME. Do you hear me you piece of shit? DEAD. From now on, every other month, I will be a doggie mom and that's it.

Oh yea, and more wisdom from my sucktastic family. My sister this time. In a conversation of children I said I would love to have twins since I am having such a hard time getting pregnant. That way I could do it once and still have two. Otherwise we may adopt a second anyway. My sister: You don't want two kids. You don't NEED two kids.

Did I mention SHE has two kids? Yea, the second being "an accident" which conveniently happened when DH and I made the mistake of announcing we were trying and she just wanted me NOT to have all the attention and "we can be pregnant together." Yea, that one bit her in the ass huh? And thank you so much for telling me WHAT I want and/or need. Just because YOU don't like your children and can't handle them doesn't mean I can't. TWIT.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Introducing Scarlett-Web Debut

Scarlett and Cody took Mount Airy by storm for the Dog Days of Summer in Mayberry. They were the hit of the town and even the most crotchety old man said what a "handsome pair" they were. I was so proud. While I was a bad doggie mommy and forgot to take pictures of their day out on the town, I did snap a few of the exhausted pups when we got home. So enjoy the photo montage of Scarlett and Cody.

First up: Scarlett's big Web Debut-

Scarlett and Cody napping:

DH and Cody chillaxin' in the pool:

Cody climbing all over Tedda to get to DH (he's such a daddy's boy). The whole family was tired..LOL