Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Someone want to let me in?

How do you get through the day? i'm a semi reformed caffiene addict. I limit my caffiene intake so that my child does not get caffiene laced breastmilk (even though it may still be coffee flavored as I try to trick my body with lots of decaff). and also so as not to further reduce my supply.

But heaven help me, my child has not been cooperative on the sleep side of things since going back to work. So I'm having zombie periods during the day. Especially right around the time I pump. that whole hour I could easily join a thriller Flash mob and fit right in. I eat and drink a whole bottle of water during that time but then I just feel like a floating zombie. More along the lines of Kevin Costners acting job in Waterworld than a hip Michael Jackson Video.

Will I get used to this or are there tricks to dealing with exhaustion besides caffiene, protein and stretching muscles? If so, please let me in on the mom code because I'm feeling a little left out

Monday, June 27, 2011


The coffee is brewing. The morning news is on and my baby is eating breakfast. Today I go back to work.

Last week I got off track with the diet. I didnt count points. I ate too much fast food but i want to say my milk supply seemed better so I went with it. This weekend I just enjoyed my son and anniversary cake. Lots of cake. oops And it showed on the scale. I gained a pound. But I know what I did and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Just get back on track and keep on trucking.

But today as I start life as a working mom Ive packed up whole wheat bagels and fruit and water to take to work. Ive noticed the easiest things to take that are healthy are carb foods. Sammies, bagels, etc. To be lower carb for my pcos is always difficult when working. What foods do you eat while on the go?

Today I get back on track and will see how things are affecting my supply as I join the ranks of daytime pumpers.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Perfect Day to end and Begin

A perfect day, as perfect as it can be, is both a joy and a curse. Today is my last full day alone on maternity leave. My time is up. It means that my baby is no longer solely mine but a little boy that I have to share with the world. I will no longer get all of his firsts.

I may not hear his first word or see his first crawl or tentative step. I've had three months of watching him develop and grow. Of watching his smiles light up his face. Of being his whole world. Days when his eyes glow as he stares at me while he eats. Moments that I hold close to my heart as he smiles at me around the breast because he's more happy to coo at his mom than to eat (and for my chunky monkey that is saying a lot because my boy loves to eat).

I'm torn because today has been one of those rare perfect mornings. We managed to run errands and he stayed happy the whole time. We snuggled this morning and he has smiled and cuddled all day. It thrills me that this day was so amazing but it also makes it hard because I'm not going to get these great days anymore. My life is fixing to be packed full because I have to be at the office during the day which means in the evening and weekends I have to cram it all in at home. It's a hard concept.

I don't want to go back to work but I know he will be fine. I know anyone who has the care of him will love him because he's a joy and a beautiful child. I know my aunt will love her month with him and I know he will enjoy being around other children at the daycare. I also know that the paycheck I earn will allow for all the things we want to do for him and give him. Money isn't everything but it sure does afford more possibilities. We have a good life. We have a nice place with room for him to run and explore and have adventures. Land that bears fresh food for us, a pool for amazing summer fun. We don't have anything huge or fancy or fancy cars but what we do have needs maintenance. We just took a loan out to put a new roof on the house. It's one of those things that has to be done which means I need to work because for now, its just not enough for his dad to do so alone. We have a great plan. A healthy one and one that works for all parties. I just have to stick to it.

I remember my mom both as a working mom and a SAHM. I never felt any differently toward her whether she worked or not. Looking back I know I always admired how much she accomplished either way. While I feel the need to live up to her because she was so amazing, I also hope that my children will feel the same about me. That they never lacked for anything and that whether I worked or not I always provided for them and loved them and that they suffered nothing because of our choices as parents. Even through my rebellious teen years when I thought I was smarter then them, I knew that they provided well and was always grateful for what I had. That's a lot to live up to but it was also a great example for me to parent by.

So I am thankful for this amazing day and I know that even though I will be a working mom and miss my baby like crazy that I will provide a good life and he will love me and this is the right thing for us. I will keep telling myself that anyway.

I was starting to get the hang of superSAHMmom. It's time I master SuperWorkingMom and if I come close to being as accomplished as my mother was then I know I will be doing a good job. My whole life is my son. As parents we both totally believe everything we are doing is for him now, and it motivates you like nothing else. I will be good at this....and my coworkers, bless them have already armed themselves with boxes of kleenex's just in case I blubber my way through the first week.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Whoa, Bessy, slow it down

Yea, I just called myself a cow...but in a loving way. ;)

2.2. That was my official weightloss for the week. This was a wierd week. Thursday night I made dinner and had been tracking my food and doing well and then about thirty minutes later I got violently ill. We are guessing Food Poisoning but it was miserable. I lost over 5lbs in one night but I knew it needed to come back because I lost a lot of fluid. For several days I lost my appetite. I lived off Cola and gatorade. Yesterday I finally ate a few meals. Mostly carbs. I finally gained a few pounds back when I weighed this morning. It's a dissappointment but I knew I would and needed to so its fine.

Weight Watchers actually fussed at me though. My average is 2.8lbs per week which is too fast for their preferences. I'm torn. I love that I'm losing and I feel so much better about myself just a mere 11.3 lbs later (in four weeks). I'm about five pounds from achieving my firt WW goal and 16lbs from prepregnancy weight. BUT I do not wish to do anything that would negatively affect my body or my milk supply as I'm doing all of this for my son. To be a healthy a mom and be here for him for as long as I can be. So its a fight within my brain to actively SLOW my weightloss. A foreign concept for sure!

Change is in the air though. This is my last week at home. ::tear:: I think going back to work will be good for my body, mind and even weightloss. It will be a schedule with a mixture of adult time, mental stimulation, and set eating (plus prepared meals to take with me). But it will be bad on my heart which will be at home with my baby boy. I hope the emotional turmoil of adjustment does not negatively affect my progress.

I still need to work more activity into my routine preferably without spending more time away from my son. This is one area I have not grasped yet. Any tips or advice or encouragement in that aspect would be appreciated. How do you work exercise in around an infant and a full work schedule. With DH working and in school I sometimes feel like a single parent. How do single parents work in exercise etc? I admire their stamina because I'm not sure I could do it 24/7 and retain my sanity. Seriously.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Fathers Day

Here Daddy, we got you something! Thank you! See how sweet my mornings have become? Thats the best gift either of us could ask for.

Video Link on Youtube of their morning chat:

Portrait Studios have Possibility

My MIL wanted family photos (with the entire family) as her birthday gift. How can I complain when I got this out of it? cheesy Portrait pictures? Yes please.

double cheese but whatevs.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Catching a Wave

Sometimes we have to learn a lesson over and over again before it actually sinks in. We get ahead of ourselves.

I'm an intelligent person (although I feel like several of my more mechanically inclined braincells exited along with my placenta). Sometimes I think a little higher of my abilities then I should. I go along keeping up with finances, expenses, and most recently WW points in my head. This almost always gets my slightly in trouble. Spending more than I budgeted, having overdraft kick in, and of course going over my points.

The past few days I have been more active. I actually took a day to go shopping with a girlfriend and catch a movie (Bridesmaids is fantastic btw). I ate fast food. I knew the points of what I got but I didn't take the time to write them down every day. I went over but not over the weekly points. I also increased my food a little bit this week to purposefully dip into the weekly points because I noticed i seemed to have more breastmilk. So all in all I stayed on track but I didn't do as well as I should have.

After working out midweek I had seen a new low number on the scale. I was down 11 lbs from start point, but that wasn't my official weigh in day. Then after the weekend fast food shenanigans, I was a little nervous to get on the scales this morning. 1.9lbs from last week. The good news is it is a loss. I'm trying to hold to the information that as a nursing mother I am not supposed to lose more than 1lb per week so as not to affect my milk supply so in that sense I'm on track. And my milk has been better the past few days than ever before. Still not enough but I seem to be supplementing him a little less.

But as an overweight woman with newly developed body image issues, its hard to see the scale go up even a little bit and know that it was my choice of foods. I could have made better choices, eaten out less and still kept food in my system to keep up my milk supply that would have been better for the scale. Its as simple as that.

I will hug tight my 1.9 lb loss for a total of 9.1 lbs in three weeks. I'm still on track. I didn't fall off the wagon and I didn't let the "setback" knock me down. I regrouped this morning and kissed up to my WW Online tools. I was forgiven and am currently please with myself typing this while I munch on a whole wheat raisen bagel and a banana.

We are women. We are constantly changing, improving, slipping but we continue. I'm growing as a mother, a human, a wife, and a future thin person. Weightloss is like a waterpark. Sweating in a long line, tired of climbing the steep steps for a 3 second refreshing drop, only to do it again. I'll keep aiming for the big slides and Fighting the Wave Pool and be happy with the simple Kiddie Hills along the way. I just have to remember as relaxing as it may be, i have to stay out of the Lazy River ride.
Photo Credit

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

2 Months

My how the time Flies. I'm not ready!

At two months:
Mommy is my favorite person in the world. I hear her voice and I look for her no matter who is holding me.
I've slept through the night a few times but mostly I'm still fussy and want to be cuddled at night to sleep soundly.
I can still wear Newborn onsies and a few rompers but I'm too long for most everything else.
My eyes are deep vivid blue and my hair is slowly turning from dirty blonde to red tinted.
I'm not digging the paci's but my fist and thumb are my best friend.
I love the ring toy on my play gym.
I coo and talk and smile and laugh. I can stick out my tongue in response and make kissy faces.
To calm me down,have mommy sing Amazing Grace.

And the cat is still bigger than me.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Honesty is a Weighty Subject

I had a breakthrough/breakdown (depending on how you look at it) last weekend. I organized my belly pictures from pregnancy and realized how good I had looked losing the 46lbs last year...even though I had more to lose.

Then I saw a picture of myself taken memorial sunday visiting friends and ZOMG. I look horrendous. I do not look like I've only gained 24lbs. OH NO. I realized how bad my stomach rolls pooch out thanks to numbness and no more stomach muscles thanks to pregnancy and a c-section. I realized how far my hips had spread despite not getting to actually go through birth vaginally. To top off the trifecta of body alteration hell, my already flat fat ass is now sagging right along with my boobs. I look 100 lbs bigger rather than 24.

AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! FRUMP monster anyone? I'm facing what I actually look like post pardum and it scares the hell out of me. I don't look like myself and I don't look like I feel.

I do know this. I will not look like this forever. I may never be able to straighten out the wierd dip where my C-section scar is, I may always have some numbness and sagging there but I can REDUCE the fat. I can become stronger and if I'm never thin (because I've rarely been truly thin in my life) I can atleast show my kids that I'm always trying, active and eating healthy. I can instill good examples because I refuse to believe that my chance at looking like I want is over. I'm just getting started.

In two weeks I have lost 8 pounds via weight watchers. That people is progress. So you may snicker that I posted this horrible picture of myself and laugh at how big I've become. You may gasp behind your computer screens at "OMG she's huge. WHO KNEW?!" but I'm being honest with myself, with you. I'm holding accountable my body.

I'm being proactive and making changes. I have a son to live for, to be healthy for and I refuse to feel bad about myself in a few years when I need to be focused on his activities and his giggles and smiles. I may never wear a bikini but I will like myself in a sedate one piece while tossing my baby in the air and down into the water of our pool no matter who is around. I will not live my life trying to hide my body through THICK and THIN. I am who I am and I can say that no matter what people think of me, I'm always trying.

I don't WANT to look like this. So when you pass me (or anyone else) don't feel sorry for me. Just pray for me and know that my story isn't over. This isn't what I will face in the mirror everyday. I will always try for the rest of my life and I'm doing a damn good job at it.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dirty Houses=Happy Kids

I can not tell you how sick I am of hearing that my house doesn't need to be clean because my child will be happy.

My MIL went so far as to frame up a poem for me to put in the nursery to remind me. I have to admit I was a bit offended. I take pride in my house and presenting a clean house to guests.

Song for a Fifth Child
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

But here is what I learned this weekend. There is another camp that says you have to continue to put yourself as a priority in order to be a good mother. You can't be so self sacrificing that you slip away. So I joined weight watchers but haven't quite figured out working exercise in but I'm getting there. This weekend my Mom babysat while I worked outside. Guess what? It felt amazing.

I ENJOYED mowing my yard instead of paying someone to do it. I ENJOYED hand weeding my terrace flowerbed and hefting on the sprayer backpack to spray the weeds and poison ivy around the yard. I ENJOYED hoeing and planting three rows of green beans in my garden. I ENJOYED lugging the big grill out and using it to cook steaks for the first time in 2011.

I came in three or four times to wash up and feed my child and my mom got to spend a ton of time with her grandson. I was sore and sunburnt at the end of the day but I felt accomplished. You know what else? My child was happy. He spent time snuggling his grandma and his mom got a good workout doing something she loves.

So I've come to the conclusion that SO WHAT if I choose to clean while my child naps in his swing. So WHAT if I as he gets older I let him play quietly with his toys on the floor while I dust. SO WHAT if I strap him in the carrier to my chest and chop vegetables for dinner and sweep my floors while singing to him. Those few hours total a week that I am not paying him complete attention make ME a happier more sane person so I don't have guilt or wandering mind while I DO play with him.

We don't always have a choice of spending time away from our children. I HAVE to go back to work and I'm sick of people trying to make me feel guilty about it. YOU made your choice and sacrifices and you have your complaints. I'm making mine. It's important to me to be able to afford to take family vacations, have him in activities like Boy Scouts, Soccer and Martial ARts. It's Important that we can build him a giant play ground in our backyard and open our swimming pool every summer for him to play. It's important that we can afford a pony or two to fill our empty barn and pasture when he is older so he can learn to ride and terrorize the neighborhood on horseback with his cousin Aidan next door. It's IMPORTANT that we can put him in private school if that is what we choose. RIGHT NOW its important that we can pay our bills and put a new roof on our house and that requires me working. My sanity and mental health requires me to clean my house and weed my flower bed while my sweet boy gets some one on one time with another human who loves and adores him for a few hours or a chance to explore his imagination or snooze.

NONE of these things makes me a bad person because I choose to make them priorities. You can not spend every single moment with your child. It's virtually impossible and i'm not sure it would be healthy for them anyway. Can we say CO-Dependence and therapy?

So I have learned a little lesson about me and I'm comfortable with my choice. So people can take their cutesy messy house signs, demeaning poems and shove them up their ass. I CHOOSE to be supermom: Play with my well adjusted and loved child, provide for him more than the basics, and have a mostly clean house.

The only sign I approve of is:

And because that is so true, I will not apologize for my occasionally messy house but neither will I apologize for constantly stealing a moment to clean something.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011