A perfect day, as perfect as it can be, is both a joy and a curse. Today is my last full day alone on maternity leave. My time is up. It means that my baby is no longer solely mine but a little boy that I have to share with the world. I will no longer get all of his firsts.
I may not hear his first word or see his first crawl or tentative step. I've had three months of watching him develop and grow. Of watching his smiles light up his face. Of being his whole world. Days when his eyes glow as he stares at me while he eats. Moments that I hold close to my heart as he smiles at me around the breast because he's more happy to coo at his mom than to eat (and for my chunky monkey that is saying a lot because my boy loves to eat).
I'm torn because today has been one of those rare perfect mornings. We managed to run errands and he stayed happy the whole time. We snuggled this morning and he has smiled and cuddled all day. It thrills me that this day was so amazing but it also makes it hard because I'm not going to get these great days anymore. My life is fixing to be packed full because I have to be at the office during the day which means in the evening and weekends I have to cram it all in at home. It's a hard concept.
I don't want to go back to work but I know he will be fine. I know anyone who has the care of him will love him because he's a joy and a beautiful child. I know my aunt will love her month with him and I know he will enjoy being around other children at the daycare. I also know that the paycheck I earn will allow for all the things we want to do for him and give him. Money isn't everything but it sure does afford more possibilities. We have a good life. We have a nice place with room for him to run and explore and have adventures. Land that bears fresh food for us, a pool for amazing summer fun. We don't have anything huge or fancy or fancy cars but what we do have needs maintenance. We just took a loan out to put a new roof on the house. It's one of those things that has to be done which means I need to work because for now, its just not enough for his dad to do so alone. We have a great plan. A healthy one and one that works for all parties. I just have to stick to it.
I remember my mom both as a working mom and a SAHM. I never felt any differently toward her whether she worked or not. Looking back I know I always admired how much she accomplished either way. While I feel the need to live up to her because she was so amazing, I also hope that my children will feel the same about me. That they never lacked for anything and that whether I worked or not I always provided for them and loved them and that they suffered nothing because of our choices as parents. Even through my rebellious teen years when I thought I was smarter then them, I knew that they provided well and was always grateful for what I had. That's a lot to live up to but it was also a great example for me to parent by.
So I am thankful for this amazing day and I know that even though I will be a working mom and miss my baby like crazy that I will provide a good life and he will love me and this is the right thing for us. I will keep telling myself that anyway.
I was starting to get the hang of superSAHMmom. It's time I master SuperWorkingMom and if I come close to being as accomplished as my mother was then I know I will be doing a good job. My whole life is my son. As parents we both totally believe everything we are doing is for him now, and it motivates you like nothing else. I will be good at this....and my coworkers, bless them have already armed themselves with boxes of kleenex's just in case I blubber my way through the first week.
No comments:
Post a Comment