Monday, May 30, 2011

Honesty is a Weighty Subject

I had a breakthrough/breakdown (depending on how you look at it) last weekend. I organized my belly pictures from pregnancy and realized how good I had looked losing the 46lbs last year...even though I had more to lose.

Then I saw a picture of myself taken memorial sunday visiting friends and ZOMG. I look horrendous. I do not look like I've only gained 24lbs. OH NO. I realized how bad my stomach rolls pooch out thanks to numbness and no more stomach muscles thanks to pregnancy and a c-section. I realized how far my hips had spread despite not getting to actually go through birth vaginally. To top off the trifecta of body alteration hell, my already flat fat ass is now sagging right along with my boobs. I look 100 lbs bigger rather than 24.

AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! FRUMP monster anyone? I'm facing what I actually look like post pardum and it scares the hell out of me. I don't look like myself and I don't look like I feel.

I do know this. I will not look like this forever. I may never be able to straighten out the wierd dip where my C-section scar is, I may always have some numbness and sagging there but I can REDUCE the fat. I can become stronger and if I'm never thin (because I've rarely been truly thin in my life) I can atleast show my kids that I'm always trying, active and eating healthy. I can instill good examples because I refuse to believe that my chance at looking like I want is over. I'm just getting started.

In two weeks I have lost 8 pounds via weight watchers. That people is progress. So you may snicker that I posted this horrible picture of myself and laugh at how big I've become. You may gasp behind your computer screens at "OMG she's huge. WHO KNEW?!" but I'm being honest with myself, with you. I'm holding accountable my body.

I'm being proactive and making changes. I have a son to live for, to be healthy for and I refuse to feel bad about myself in a few years when I need to be focused on his activities and his giggles and smiles. I may never wear a bikini but I will like myself in a sedate one piece while tossing my baby in the air and down into the water of our pool no matter who is around. I will not live my life trying to hide my body through THICK and THIN. I am who I am and I can say that no matter what people think of me, I'm always trying.

I don't WANT to look like this. So when you pass me (or anyone else) don't feel sorry for me. Just pray for me and know that my story isn't over. This isn't what I will face in the mirror everyday. I will always try for the rest of my life and I'm doing a damn good job at it.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Special Adventures

Today was a special day of Firsts. Our First family Road trip. The first time meeting a long time Blog/Internet friend from Seattle. The First Time I walked into an Ikea store. A First day of being out and about for several hours with Matthew.

It was an amazing day and I have pictures to prove it.
We met with Sarah at the Charlotte airport during their flight layover and went outside to the little park around the fountain to chat. Matthew LOVED being outside and listening to the water.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Falling out on the Floor

So you know that phrase "fell out on the floor" that usually applies to laughing too hard?

Last night, I knocked a bottle of water off the sidetable while holding my son on the sofa. So I got up to get it and was holding him in the football hold but the water was under the tray table that I keep my laptop on spilling water out on the carpet. So I gently but quickly placed Matthew on the floor so I could reach.

I looked down to this: (in two seconds my son had passed out and gone completely lax and). And yes, I completely left him there to grab my camera as I laughed. Sometimes all the rocking and shushing and lullabyes in the world won't work. You can try CIO....or you can just plop them down on my less then clean carpet and they will pass right out. All is right with the world.

Play Date

So my fabulous bloggy friend Jeanna came by yesterday with her adorable baby boy Owen. We call it a playdate but really the boys are so young they haven't a clue so its Mommies talking shop, feeding, joking and aggrivating our children by playing dress up. LOL

They did have a few moments of intense staring like "hey, whose that other little person". They may have exchanged subliminal conversation a la "Look Who's Talking."

How much do you really need to say when there are pictures with this much cuteness though?

Matthew rocking out Owen's cool glasses.

Adorable Faces

Owen and Matthew

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Best Friends in the House of Smith

In a house full of animals, I envisioned my son romping around with a frisky dachshund at his heels (mostly our rambunctious boy doxie). I even imagined that our female would be very mothering and snuggling with him. So far our boy dog wants nothing to do with him and is acting out: peeing in the house, disobeying, getting into everything. Basically driving me insane. Our female acts like she has been beat when you say one negative word to her (like NO) and runs tail tucked to her crate as if the hounds of hell were after her. She is slowly coming around to listening to commands without being offended but she is still so desperate for attention that she goes stupid occasionally. She is coming along. Atleast she likes the baby she just wants to be in my lap and with him at all times.
Scarlett and Matt

What I didn't expect, was the cat to be the most behaved and attentive. She hangs out in Matthew's room. Sleeps in the drawer under his crib and on the daybed in his room. She is constantly hanging out whereever we are and acting like a gargoyle perched on the arm of the recliner. She gently sniffs the top of his head and licks the bottom of his feet at risk to life and limb as he is very ticklish and one day with deadly accuracy is bound to kick her in the head. When he's in his bouncy chair I've even caught her on her back underneath pulling herself over the top to pat him on his head and then darting off to come back and do it again. She's infatuated.
Truffles and Matt

I just wonder if she will still be the numero uno bestest bud when he can pull her fluffy tail.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Back on the McFatty Train

Back before pregnancy I participated in Heir To Blair's McFatty Monday posts. In 6 months I had lost 46 lbs and was battling a plateau when I finally got pregnant. During pregnancy I was bound and determined to gain no more than 15lbs. Up until half way through I had not gained anything, and then the pounds packed on. I think part of me did get a little slack but the biggest part is that I quit exercising and didn't adjust my food to account for that.

I am embarrased to say that I put on 44lbs during pregnancy. While in the hospital I gained 10 lbs in fluid and was a swollen blimp. I can't stand looking at the pictures from the hospital. My follow up appointment the next week to have my staples removed I had lost 32lbs leaving me with 22 to lose before reaching prepregnancy weight (and then still a whole lot more). Two weeks later I was at the exact same weight. Nothing lost.

I put off thinking about weight loss for a bit as I was struggling with making enough milk and having to supplement formula. One of my problems was I WASn't eating throughout the day due to constantly dealing/holding a fussy baby and shoving whatever I could get my hands on in my mouth once or twice a day (a lot of it being straight carbs for quick energy as I was sleep deprived as well). The result was still not enough milk (thanks to PCOS) and I gained 5lbs after starting to take the fenugreek and eating more (carbs).

So after much research and struggling with milk supply and seeing a Lactation Consultant and my Dr's etc. multiple times, I decided dieting appropriately was probably more condusive to a healthy milk supply (if I'm ever going to get one) as going the way things are now. I'm joining weightwatchers online as they have a program that takes into consideration nursing moms. I'm also going back to a lower carb lifestyle. Carb loaded foods are easy and quick so that's what I've been eating but that is the exact wrong thing for my PCOS body.

This weekend I picked up veggies and fruits at the Farmer's Market, whole wheat pastas and English Muffins at the store, lots of spinach and lean meats. I started yesterday eating through the day (starting off with my lactation inducing oatmeal fix -that so far hasn't helped a whole lot) and finishing off with brown rice, fresh spinach, roasted veggies and baked chicken.

This morning? I've already lost two pounds and yesterday I had more energy despite a sleepless night. Last night was fantastic. We slept well and he has been a happy baby this morning.

So here I go. Back on the McFatty monday Train armed with Weight Watchers Online, low carb options, Zumba DVD's, 30 Day Shred DVD and a stroller and treadmill. I have the tools, now I just need to put everything in practise and make it a priority so that I already have the habits when I go back to work in a few weeks. I've put myself on the back burner adjusting to life as a new mom and a milk cow with low supply. My baby is priority but I have to keep focused on making me a priority so that I am a better parent and a healthy one that will be here for him.

Wish me Luck.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I think I may need help of the mental variety

I feel like my mental stability as a mom is coming unhinged. I've been rationalizing it as sleep deprivation because this week has been hell. I've been racking my brain and studying symptoms etc to see if it's something wrong with him causing him to be so fussy besides colic. Does he have reflux? Is he getting enough to eat?

Thursday my milk supply TANKED. So I increased the pumping, ordered FENUGREEK and Mother's MILK TEA and upped the oatmeal and food intake because I had started skipping meals again dealing with a fussy baby.

Everything had to do with HIM being fussy but that doesn't excuse the things I've done or thoughts I've had.

Last night I wasn't alert. He was screaming and i was in a fog. I was literally running into furniture and doorways and stumbling down the hall while holding him to change his diaper. That's not safe.

As I'm trying to change him he is full on screaming and kicking and I'm struggling just to get a diaper on. How is a 5 week old that strong and how is that I can't seem to "overpower" a 5 week olds legs to fasten some velcro tabs? And I'm telling him in a firm voice to "stop." Yea, because that's going to work.

I'm trying to burp him him and he's flailing fists and his head in my face and clawing at my chest. My chest is actually sore and I can't figure that out because I clip his nails every week. They are not long. Again, I'm telling him to "Stop, you are hurting mommy." Why do I bother? What possesses me to try and rationalize with an irate new born?

I'm so mad but I can't figure out if I'm mad at him, mad at my DH for being oblivious to all of this and giving me no help or support this week, mad at the world because I'm so tired I can't think straight or what. He is fighting me so hard he didn't even want to take the boob and I was being stubborn and not feeding him a bottle because I'm trying to get my supply up and I new damn well there was milk in the tits. I could feel it. He just wanted to scream and flail and suck on his fists instead. One point he grabbed my nipple (I'm sure by complete accident as he doesn't ahve control of his limbs yet) but once he got ahold of it he clamped down and wouldn't let go and was trying to rip it off. The same nipple that he has created a blister on from sucking so roughly. The same nipple he tried to rip off with his mouther earlier by bashing his head side to side with a hell of a latch going.

I think I may have been screaming in pain louder than him at this point. DH slept through it all.

Then when I didn't think I could take anymore he fell asleep in my arms while I rocked him and my tears fell on his face. I put him in his crib for the first time to actually get him away from me because I was so emotionally confused.

He slept for about 45 minutes and we started all over again. I finally broke down to give him a bottle and as I sit down with him he immediately stops crying and the most amazing smile lights up his face as he looks at me and I lose it.

I sat there while he happily sucked down a bottle and cried my eyes out.

I'm an emotional wreck. Most of the time I'm fine but there are hours when he is screaming that I get so confused at night on what I'm feeling. Last night as an added bonus I had gone through family crisis earlier in the evening. My dad had run over my sisters dog and left him there thinking he wasn't hurt that badly instead of taking him to the vet because he was in a hurry. My sister was irate and then called me from the emergency vet bawling her eyes out because the dogs pelvis, legs and base of his spine were shattered. This was her children's dog. They are 6 and 3. She had to put him down. I had to talk her through it while crying with her. Then I had to call my mom and warn her that all hell was going to break loose when she got home and Dad better run. As it turned out, my father was devastated when he found out. He really thought he had just bumped into him with the corner of the trailer he was pulling. He didn't realize the trailer had ran over him. He punched a wall, messed up his hand and they thought he was going to have a heartattack while he was burying the dog because he was crying so hard blaming himself he wasn't breathing. I'm dealing with all of this over the phone as they all live on a farm over an hour away and my kid is screaming the entire time as well. Last night, every time I drifted off for a cat nap in his quiet moments all of it replayed in my head...including the scene where the dog gets hit as if I were there. W.T.F. I'm losing my everloving mind.

I want to protect my son. I love him more than words can say but sometimes when I'm so tired that I'm a physical menace to both of us and I just don't have the mental capacity to even to through the motions I think I need to protect him from me.

I'm sick of hearing "Sleep when he sleeps." I can't fucking sleep. There is too much to do. There is laundry to be done because he pees through everything. There's bottles to be washed. I have to pump to stimulate my milk. I have to try and shove something passable as food down my throat to stimulate my milk. I have to do dishes and cook in order to have said food. I have to do our laundry. I have to take care of insurance claims and pay bills and go to the grocery store and Dr's appointments. That doesn't include the other household chores and yardwork that I have completely let go. I have dust buffalo hiding under my barstools because I haven't so much as swiffered my hardwoods in over a week. I haven't vacuumed in prob. four. I can see dust on my furniture. My flowerbeds are weed beds and there's overturned patio furniture on the porch from all the storms. If you drive by my house you would think we were Sampson and Son it looks so bad right now. AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE because I can't stop thinking about it or trying to get SOMEthing DONE IF i HAVE a spare ten minutes.

On his good days, things are awesome. Even on some of his bad days they are still great...but there have been two or three times in this hell week that I've been like this.

I despise medicines. I don't want to subject him to antidepressents. If I have to go on meds, breastfeeding is probably over. Part of me wants to give up breastfeeding and the other part of me can't. I feel like such a failure right now. As a wife, a mom, a sane human being.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Reality Check

I had this idea during pregnancy that I would be supermom. I sideeyed people who constantly had babysitters while they were stay at home moms. I had no doubt that I would be able to clean, cook, garden etc. all while taking care of this perfect baby.

Matthew didn't get that memo. I'm tired and cranky. My milk supply has tanked. I have a migraine and am sick on my stomach running back and forth to the bathroom. My child screamed and cried all morning but is blessedly sleeping right now.

I want nothing more than to beg someone, anyone to come help me or keep me company. DH has been working overtime, going to school and when he is home he's been taking care of the outside work or holed up in his office studying. I feel isolated, alone and inadequate.

And yet I have too much pride to ask for help because I still feel I should be able to handle this. I'm 33 years old and have wanted to be a parent for 5 years. I damn well should be able to deal with a cranky baby.

Why do I still cringe away from anyone thinking I'm incapable or weak? Why do I feel that I'm not a good parent if I need some attention and a little help? I have no idea. I guess me being a non-understanding judgemental bitch in the past years towards other's way of parenting by way of "it takes a village" am reaping the karma now by this self-imposed isolation.

I still don't think it takes a village and I don't WANT to have help too often but if the nanny fairy showed up at my door I would kiss her feet this week.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Stationery card

Modern Teal Birth Announcement
Create beautiful birth announcements at
View the entire collection of cards.

He beats me down and then lifts me up.

At 5:30 this morning I felt like I had reached my breaking point. Since Sunday, I have not had any amount of consecutive sleep nor a break. My husband has been so busy with school, work, the garden etc. that I have been on parenting duty 24 hours a day...and my child has been fussy that entire time. I think I may have had 2 hours of sleep total during each night.

So as he literally beat up on me this morning, whining, kicking me, punching me, flailing limbs, I thought I had reached my breaking point when it crossed my mind to go wake DH, hand him my child and walk out the door.

Don't get me wrong, I never thought about staying gone. I just needed down time and was desperate. I wanted to go for a thirty minute drive, a walk, something outside of this house to brush away the cobwebs in my brain.

As the tears started to fall, my child suddenly started smiling at me and staring at me with those gourgeous eyes and cooing. He was happy and I cried harder.

I worry that this is the beginning of Post Partum Depression but on the other hand I think any sane person may feel this desperate with this little sleep and a baby that is sleeping in 15 minute increments and needs a lot of attention. According to the Girlfriends Guide every single person experiences some type of Baby Blues or thoughts like that on some scale so maybe I'm normal and I not at the point of needing intervention.

I'm a good mom. He is a happy baby. He is just having some stomach issues right now and is very needy...and the result is a very zombie like, worn out, emotional mom. I can get through this.

Hopefully, my husband will get off work at a decent time tonight and can give me a much needed break.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


is Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to those who hold your babies in your arms and those who hold your babies in your hearts while the angels rock them.

This is my first with my baby in my arms and its a little bittersweet. There is nothing different today than yesterday except the memories of last year haunting me.

Today we are spending a quiet day, holding our babe. I took a nap with him sleeping on my chest but its hard not to shed a few tears today. In happiness, in rememberance, in love and in joy.

My heart is with the other mothers who may not be quite as lucky as me but are mother's in their hearts, in their souls. To the other Mother's who are celebrating life on this day but who have known other days of hardship as well.

Happy Mother's Day to all my girls, all the mothers.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Remembering Bumblebee

My due date has come and gone and I thought about writing about it many times but I kept refocusing on my baby. I've had moments of sadness, confusion and even some joy. If I had had bumblebee, I wouldn't have Matthew. That is a hard reality to face because I will always love my first babe but I could never imagine not having Matthew or wishing for something that I've never known when it means not having him.

How do you reconcile a feeling of grief when you are holding your whole world in your arms? The pain is easier this year, because I'm holding my son and I have to believe that things happened the way they did because I was meant to have him in my arms at this time.

It doesn't make me miss bumblebee less or not wish I could have known him/her but it is easier to deal with the loss knowing I have Matthew and I would never have had both.

It's easier to believe in "meant to be" when you have that child in your arms staring back at you but its still a little...confusing feeling all that emotion.

If that makes sense.

Mousecrumb Mom

which includes shoving whatever crumbs from a bare cabinet in your mouth that you can.

My cupboards are empty. Seriously. We have food in there but I've discovered that what we have left is gas inducing in me, which increases gas in Matthew so I'm avoiding those foods...and we have emptied out everything else.

I need to go to the grocery store but my maternity checks have not started arriving yet and we are dipping into savings to pay the bills. I have this thing about not using savings even though that is what it is there for and I knew we would have to use some of it, but I just can't bring myself to use it for groceries. Quarky I know.

I am hoping my check arrives today, but if it doesn't, I will break down and go grocery shopping. I'm desperate.

For breakfast this morning I scrambled an egg and paired it with a piece of lunchmeat and cheese on toast. There is one piece of lunchmeat and cheese left...just enough for DH to have a sammy this afternoon. My shelves in the fridge are barren except for cartons of eggs and a brita water pitcher (thanks to Dad's very productive chickens!). It's rather pitiful.

I have a feeling my well stocked kitchen is going to be pretty pitiful from here on out...just because I won't have the time to experiment, cook elaborately, and shop whenever I want. It is way too much of a hassle to make sure everything is in the diaper bag, get him ready, haul him in and out of the car etc. and time it all around naps so he's not fussing and disturbing everyone under the sun. I'd rather live off eggs and water.

From Foodie to Mousecrumb Mom....and maybe back again? We shall see.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dear Matthew

How is it possible that you are four weeks old today? It seems only yesterday that I got my first glimpse of your precious face and a month has passed already. You are growing so fast that I can't keep up. You are holding your head up and aware of things. You are focusing on the animals on your mobiles, cooing, smiling, and making kissy faces when we kiss you on the mouth. You are grasping at everything and trying to get control of your hands and arms. You have even rolled a few times though I don't think that was all together your idea but more a result of your spastic movements.

Your personality is starting to shine through and you definitely have a little temper. When you get a gas bubble, you have this heartbreaking shuddering cry with big crocodile tears that break my heart. I would literally fight tigers for you if it would keep you from making that pitiful cry.

We've had our bad days with colic but we have managed to get through them, maybe not always with grace but with plenty of love. The good days are amazing. In the early dawn when you look at me with those big blue eyes fresh from sleep as you drink from my breast. The first smile of the day and a soft coo; a sweet nap in your swing as I go about the house hold chores. We are making it work and developing a new pattern and a new life. I know it will change again when I go back to work and the days are passing too fast heading that way, but for today and next week, I know I have you to myself and I'm wallowing in every minute of you.

Your Daddy is completely enamored and ya'll already have this amazing bond. He smothers you in kisses every morning, afternoon and night. He cuddles you, bathes you, snuggles you and I swear the love shines right out of his eyes when he looks at you. I know he wishes he had more time with you but working full time and going to school are hard on him but he's doing it so that in two years he can provide better for you and a possible sibling and have more time as you grow to do boyscouts, sports etc with you.

I can barely remember life before you, and frankly I don't want to. It may have not had nights of fussy colic baby cries but it did not have days of this amazing little baby that you are. I just ask one favor of you as you rush head long to being one month old....please slow down. You are getting so big so fast, already over 8lbs and outgrown your Newborn clothes. Time is running away from me and I'm afraid you will be going off to college in a week.

I love you baby boy, to the moon and beyond for all eternity.