My due date has come and gone and I thought about writing about it many times but I kept refocusing on my baby. I've had moments of sadness, confusion and even some joy. If I had had bumblebee, I wouldn't have Matthew. That is a hard reality to face because I will always love my first babe but I could never imagine not having Matthew or wishing for something that I've never known when it means not having him.
How do you reconcile a feeling of grief when you are holding your whole world in your arms? The pain is easier this year, because I'm holding my son and I have to believe that things happened the way they did because I was meant to have him in my arms at this time.
It doesn't make me miss bumblebee less or not wish I could have known him/her but it is easier to deal with the loss knowing I have Matthew and I would never have had both.
It's easier to believe in "meant to be" when you have that child in your arms staring back at you but its still a little...confusing feeling all that emotion.
If that makes sense.