I had this idea during pregnancy that I would be supermom. I sideeyed people who constantly had babysitters while they were stay at home moms. I had no doubt that I would be able to clean, cook, garden etc. all while taking care of this perfect baby.
Matthew didn't get that memo. I'm tired and cranky. My milk supply has tanked. I have a migraine and am sick on my stomach running back and forth to the bathroom. My child screamed and cried all morning but is blessedly sleeping right now.
I want nothing more than to beg someone, anyone to come help me or keep me company. DH has been working overtime, going to school and when he is home he's been taking care of the outside work or holed up in his office studying. I feel isolated, alone and inadequate.
And yet I have too much pride to ask for help because I still feel I should be able to handle this. I'm 33 years old and have wanted to be a parent for 5 years. I damn well should be able to deal with a cranky baby.
Why do I still cringe away from anyone thinking I'm incapable or weak? Why do I feel that I'm not a good parent if I need some attention and a little help? I have no idea. I guess me being a non-understanding judgemental bitch in the past years towards other's way of parenting by way of "it takes a village" am reaping the karma now by this self-imposed isolation.
I still don't think it takes a village and I don't WANT to have help too often but if the nanny fairy showed up at my door I would kiss her feet this week.