Tuesday, June 30, 2009


With all the deaths of celebrity figures lately, do you ever wonder who will impact your child's life? Who will the hot celebs be on the Disney Channel. Hannah Montana will be a distant memory, Raven Simone will be peddling career wear at Walmart, and Selena Gomez will have Waverlyed into Playboy by then.

Who will be the next child prodigy. Which one of today's tween drama queens be the Jenny Craig Spokesmodel and which one will be the Shawn Connery of my child's generation? I'm betting on one thing for sure. Shia LeBeouf is the next Tom Cruise.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Breaking Wind

Passing gas, dutch oven, toots, poots, farts etc. Not the best thing to have happen during the ramping up of Sexathon. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be this sweet southern Belle who does not discuss burping butts. My DH on the other hand has no preconceived social standards about such things.

So as you can imagine last nights assclapping experience was quite amusing and un-southernly sexy. When your husband rolls away from you slightly in the middle of foreplay and then you hear a percussion band warming up under the covers.....run. When the bed starts vibrating and you don't hear your husband breathing (because he's laughing so hard trying to be silent about it)....RUN SCREAMING. DO NOT WAIT...I repeat...DO NOT WAIT till the godawful smell of rotten eggs permeates the air. By then, its too late, and all your dignity will be gone as you scream like a banshee at him and run from the room without underwear and your cami top pulled down around your boobs gasping for oxygen. Ten minutes later when your bedroom doesn't smell as if a large rodent crawled between the mattresses and died, its a little hard to get back in the mood. Especially when your husband still has bursts of giggles (yes, I said GIGGLES) while pinching your nipples.

I realize that we didn't have much luck with the sexcapades last month because Clomid made me complete unsexy and tempermental. I realize that my darling husband is in essence a child trapped in a really tall body, but seriously, his farts can run you out of the room. Yes, I'm guilty as well. I'm not claiming my toots don't stink because frankly, I don't know what we ate this weekend but everything was foul! I, however, know where the bathroom is.

Ladies, hands off, he's all mine. I know it breaks your little hearts that I get this hunk of toxic waste processor all to myself, but try to keep your pitypat hearts in check. He's mine.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Conversations from a lost soul

So I had the oddest conversation with my mother tonight. I know better then to call her, but sometimes, you just want to talk to your mother. We used to have a fabulous relationship until well circumstances being what they are. We have drifted. Yet, I still go through phases where I want my family no matter how beat down I feel afterward.

Today, was one of those days. I've been battered by my body this week and I wanted some comfort. What the hell was I thinking? Bless her heart, she tries, I guess. She doesn't understand though and how could I expect her to? I just never quite expect what I do get.

"Are you sure you want kids? Is it worth putting yourself through all this?" Well, gee Mom, let me think, I don't know. BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING HAVE KIDS, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YET! Was it worth it to you? You seem to enjoy having your grandchildren around you at all times? Do you just not want any from me because I'm not T? YOU HAVE KIDS! You tell me.

"Well, I'm sorry you have to go through this, but atleast you didn't get it from my side of the family." WHAT? I don't even know how to respond to this. WHAT? I'm not BLAMING anyone. You didn't PICK the genes to give out at birth. This isn't ABOUT YOU.

"You should write everything your going through down, like a journal, so you can hold it over your kids heads, if you ever have them that is." A) I do, its called a blog and no you can't read it because I'm going to periodically verbally throat punch your ass on it. B) Who the fuck are you? Do I know you at all?

"You shouldn't be bitter. You should be happy for everyone who has children and are blessed, especially since you aren't." Who the fuck are you and what did you do with my mother? You know, the mother I had 10 years ago, who was supportive and loving and had it together. Who the hell is this scatterbrained woman who doesn't know how to comfort me or even talk to me? I want a shoulder to cry on and someone who can answer why this is happening to me.

My mother knew everything. She was the smartest person I knew, the matriarch of the family. Where did she go? Why am I crying on my keyboard when I should be curled up in my mother's lap, asking her to fix it? Why can't you fucking fix me? Why am I broken? Why don't you love me now that I'm broken?

Too Soon?

Is it too soon to contribute dizzyness, nausea, and headaches to side effects of metformin since I've only taken the first one last night?

I'm barely on "this side" of feeling like utter crap. YUCK.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Science Fair 101

Break out your tri-fold foam core boards, it's time for a science Fair project.

Question: Can Buckin conceive a child?

Background Research: Diagnosis of PCOS with proven anovulatory cycles, 2.3 years of TTC without success, 2 cycles of Clomid without success but probable ovulation indicators.

Hypothesis: With the correct combination of drugs, diet and exercise along with the power of prayer and modern scientific tools, we are going to prove that conception can occur.

Experiment tools:
Thermometer- check
Pre-concieve Lubricant-check
FF Graphing capability-Check

Method of experiment: Through a combination of taking a drug cocktail, a two on, one off sexual schedule (or every other day minimum), monitoring of OPK's and BBT's as well as CM while using PCL and FF, we will give optimum possibility for conception which will be proven or disproven not only by FF from BBT but as well as HPT's.

While all this sounds extremely scientific, evidence shows that our chances are merely hopeful at best, but in the spirit of science: let the sex marathon begin. Official start: t-minus 4 days (or when AF goes the eff away).

BOTB Post of the Week

Brought to you by: MEAGKEB

"So I am getting married exactly a month from today and am 2 weeks late. I took 2 pregnancy tests and they came back positive. The doctor won't see me until I am 8 weeks, though! This is driving me crazy!!!" The key to this post is the title "POSSIBLY PREGNANT...AAGGH"

You are most DEFINATELY pregnant you twit but you possibly deserve my foot up your ass for this pathetic attempt at attention amongst random strangers. WTF. The sheer stupidity of this drivel is what earned it the spot this week.

Clomid Plus Metformin

I am home again today. I toyed with going to work but I just couldn't quite make myself. The worst of it today is having no voice and a scratchy throat. I'm assuming all the puking yesterday really tore up my throat. I could hardly eat yesterday evening and today I can only croak instead of talk. I'm still passing clots but they are smaller and the pain is just cramps: constant aches but nothing more than discomfort. I can handle that. I can handle cleaning myself up every 30 minutes to an hour due to Niagara in my drawers, but I didn't think I could handle sitting at a desk all day being uncomfortable (and that's if I could get any of my pants buttoned around this distended bloat). Thank god for leopard print cotton genie lounge pants that may be out of style and too big but by golly are awesomely comfortable during times like this. (Only over my dead body will you ever see a picture of me in them they are THAT bad).

So today, I'm going to alternate between cleaning my house and laying on a heating pad watching TV. It's 9am and I've already conquered the laundry monster that was in my bedroom.

Thankfully the Dr.'s office called a little before 9am to tell me that they have called in prescriptions for me to Walgreens. They approved the Clomid AND Metformin. I told DH if I was going to do it, then I was going to do it all the way so here we go. I am honestly dreading this but a tiny bit excited that hopefully I will increase my chances. I'm going to hunt down some Pre-conceive as well to improve all odds as much as possible.

I've been told that the clotting issues I have may go away once I have a child. That's just one more plus (as if we really NEED any more positives to having a baby) to push myself to get KTFU. You know, besides the typical biological reasons for wanting one. So despite my previous whining about not doing more drugs, I'm on board for this month atleast.

Thank you girls for your words of comfort and well wishes both on the blog and via text yesterday. It's nice to know that people are thinking about me when I'm feeling that low. Big e-hugs!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Happy Period? I joked about it yesterday, today, I'm fuming. There is a letter floating out there somewhere that a comedian wrote discussing what a period was really like. I would post a copy here, but I can't seem to find it. Let me just state, that even she was wrong.

Warning: gross destriptive language used below.

My body does not just "shed its lining" or have a "period." It's not just an inconvenience to slip tampons out of their floral plastic casings discreetly in the public restroom. I can't just pop a midol and complain about my bloat to my girlfriends over chocolate cake. That would be too easy.

My AF visits me in a rip roaring mudslide complete with rocks and a few houses thrown in. Seriously, I give BIRTH to blood clots. My bathroom looks like a bomb went off at a nuclear power plant. There are finger indentions in my solid surface counter tops from me gripping it, my throat is sore from groaning while pushing as well as from throwing up acidic bile and IBprofun slime. There's towels on the floor to mop the hot water since I crawled out of a hot bath (heat and water sometimes soothes and helps pass the clots, don't ask, it obviosly didn't work today) to puke over the toilet. There is yellow thick bile all in the bathtub since I threw up in there while Sitting on the toilet giving birth. THIS WAS MY MORNING. After two hours of this I finally curled up in a ball on a heating pad in my bed and slept for two hours only to wake up and do it all again for another hour. For the past FOUR hours I've been on my Sofa, with a heating pad, a comforter and my dog in the fetal position crying. Atlast, another clot passed and I have found some comfort. The last one, was complete with chuncks the size of dimes of fleshy bloody material that makes you want to cry.

I KNOW I am not pregnant this time. I can tell you that before charting, I wondered if it was baby material though. I have always had very bad periods with clots through out my life randomly. The worst one was the summer before we got married. I was living with my parents but DH (then FI was staying with me that weekend because I was in so much pain and he was trying to comfort me) finally they took me to the hospital after two days of not passing anything where they gave me morphine and wanted to a DNC. I thought I had lost a baby but they said no, I was never pregnant. My body just has problems "shedding the lining." I have not had one quite that bad since but almost. If that was a 10 on the pain scale, today was a 7 but I made it through it. I'm hoping that since I have been fairly comfortable for the past 30 minutes, its over this month.

This scares me for multiple reasons. 1) the pain of labor is all too real to me and I don't do that well with it. The words "I'm dying, there is no way I can live through this" and "Somebody please just kill me" have actually been used during some of my more horrendous clotting moments. Bless my husband's heart, he doesn't quite know how to handle when I'm in pain. 2) I can not imagine having an actual miscarriage. For those of you who have experienced it, you have my complete sympathy not only for the loss of life but the trauma and pain you have to experience on top of knowing what it is. I KNOW my clots are unfertilized lining (and probably clumps of dead semen and egg tissue) but to know what I was looking at was MORE than that. I can NOT imagine and I don't know how I would deal with that.

You never think it could happen to you, but I never thought PCOS would happen to me or infertility. I never even considered it because my family is so big. Now I'm scared that it will. That I will finally get my positive sign only for it to end in a painful bloody clumpy mess a short time later. I don't know how much strength I have left to fight this war with myself. I admire all of you for standing strong and having faith and love to get through those times. I don't know how you do it.

For today, I will stay on my sofa and hopefully convince DH to go to Walgreens to pick up feminine products, chocolate and dinner. (I think I've done pretty well not asking him to do this for me in the five years we've been together...its time he was broken in don't ya think?) I will be pissed at my body and pissed at the Dr's office who still hasn't called me back even though I left two messages AGAIN today. I'm supposed to start my Clomid tomorrow and I can't even get the Dr.'s to call me to get the prescription but that's a conversation for later. I'm going back to my fetal position on my heating pad with my puppy. (Who knew wiener dogs could be such good little nurses? He has been the absolute best dog today.)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

AF finally

She finally showed. Am I the only person that now imagines AF as the dark headed lady in the green suit on the Kotex commercials? Happy Period my arse.

I also called my doctor over 2 1/2 hours ago to discuss my Clomid perscription etc. and have not heard back. ::drums fingers::

The appointment for DH's financial Aid went much better last night. While I am not happy about the cost nor the school I am okay with the breakdown of the loan/credit/expenses. DH is set on going there starting in September so I guess I don't have anything else to say about it. I asked to get copies of everything he has to sign and read it all instead of signing there last night and he had no problem with that so atleast he's being patient with me getting on board and wanting to look at all the options.

Today is pretty quiet all in all. I'm sore from AF, cramps, headache, all that jazz but its a fairly calm day so far. I'm pretty mellow which is nice for a change and probably a good break before I start the next round of drug induced psychosis.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Message Truncated

So as you can clearly see, my temperatures still did not change from the consistent 97.7 until today. (and I also completely forgot to temp yesterday. This weekend I was a scatter brain) I'm betting that it really was the same today. I forgot to temp this morning until about 15 minutes after I'd been up. So for shits and giggles I stuck a thermometer in my mouth. 98.0. I recorded that with a note but ten dollars says it would have been 97.7 upon waking. *rolls eyes*

Rest of post Truncated.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Weekend AT LAST

"At Last, my love has come along." ::singing::

The day from Hell is OVER! (well not officially as I have to work Monday morning and finish things up to get paid). The closings are done, paperwork is signed, offer is signed, and clients are happy and settled. While the day wore me out in every way (mentally, physically, and emotionally), it is over. I can move on. I can try to find some level of normalcy and happiness to get my body back in kilter. What could have possibly been so bad? I overdosed on Coffee. Don't laugh, its true. 96 degree weather and putting over 400 miles on my car running around, takes a toll so I was downing coffee like it was water. Which ofcourse its not, and unlike water, it makes you dehydrated after so much of it. I spent over 12.00 on coffee: Two giant triple shot frappicino's, One Monster Java Bean Energy coffee, one cup of coffee here at home and several mountain dews thrown in there. What the hell was I thinking?

This is how you know you have drank too much coffee: YOUR PEE SMELLS LIKE COFFEE! Disgusting I know. You also don't pee very much at a time and feel very bloated. And when you crash, you crash hard but only sleep for an hour before you are tossing and turning enough to slide the bed 2 feet across the floor. You wake up with a coffee hangover which includes a headache, gritty eyes and starving to death. Fun times.

In other news, you will never guess what my temperature this morning was, wait for it, yea, you guessed it: 97.7. WTF. Am I to think that no matter what kind of night I have, what I do the day before, what time I wake up, my temp is forever 97.7 now? Tell me that is not the most bizarre chart you have ever seen in your life. I dare you.

Today is going to be fun though, which means it will fly by. Since losing THE JOB I loved and adored several years ago and learning to live on a budget and then further cutting that budget when Real Estate went into the toilet, I have very rarely allowed myself to shop for me. Once you quit wearing designer clothes and buying expensive handbags and shoes, and adjust to life at Walmart (okay not really, I despise Walmart) instead of Macy's, it's very hard to go back to Macy's. Why? Because you see that yes while the pattern and material and stitching are better for 95.00, you get the same look for 15.00 and don't feel bad about throwing it out the next year when the fashion changes. You also don't buy enough clothes to wear something new every day for a month, you scale that back to a week. What will REALLY change your life forever, learn to sew. When you MAKE the ultra trendy top that is identical to Macy's with superior stitching and material for less then 10.00 dollars (even though you have two broken nails, 8 hours of time, and several needle pricks in your fingers) you realize, wow consumerism SUCKSASS. I'm all about contributing to our economy, but sometimes I prefer to do it via the fabric store versus the overpriced snotty retail outlet.
The point to all this, is I haven't shopped for new clothes in AGES. Since atleast a year and a half ago when DH gave me a gift card to Old Navy. My clothes are wearing out, I don't have time to sew, and damn it I deserve a small trip. I still can't bring myself to hop over to Macy's but I will be hitting up Old Navy, Cato's and Target. Sarah is coming down (I know its not S, I wish you and R and Steph and A and EVERYONE could come) and shopping with me and we have appointments for pedicures at 4. The problem is I have a gift certificate for the pedicure but now I can't find it. UGH. It's not a big deal if I can't, because I can always use it for another one in a few weeks, but the point is I HAVE IT and have been waiting to use it for months and NOW I CAN"T FIND IT! UGH.
Anyway, I don't know if I've grown up or just changed my way of thinking from past necessity because I used to have really bad Champagne tastes but now, not so much. Things just don't seem so important to me anymore. DOING and taking pride in what I accomplished and how much money I've saved whether it be canning fresh grown veggies or sewing a fabulous new shirt or keeping a really clean house (which is not the case at the moment), I enjoy that more than BUYING items now. All that matters is providing a healthy home for a family (that I can't seem to have). Maybe I was born in the wrong decade. I would have made a GREAT SAHM mom in the 40's. For today, I'm going to enjoy a day of shopping as if Sarah and I were 18 again and didn't have houses, kids, jobs etc. SQUEE

Friday, June 19, 2009


No, that's not my temperature this morning. That is my post number. I can not believe I am over the 100 mark. Who knew (obviously not me till I went to post this morning!)
My temperature was yet again, 97.7. Wonkiest thing I've seen since charting. I'm on day 60 but according to FF only 9 dpo (I still say I O'd the day before FF claims but that would still only be 10 dpo). Based on my previous ovulation my LP was 12 days so I'm looking for AF to arrive Monday.
The day has come. The day I have dreaded and looked forward to for a month and a half. Multiple closing day where I have to drive all over NC (the triad area) to close two properties, three sides of a transaction. (and then there is jackass who wants to do an offer today) Here is my schedule:

8:15am-Get ass off computer and get dressed for the day.
9am -Clean out car so signs will fit in it (which requires getting all loose paperwork up so it doesn't fly out since I have to put the convertible top down to be able to get the big signs in my car since I couldn't take DH's SUV today as there is something wrong with it...joy)
9:15-Leave house in High Point to go to Closing
10:00am Downtown Greensboro Closing
11:00am Pick up sign and lockbox from Greensboro Property and return it to office.
Spend 30 minutes at office faxing signed huds and submitting paperwork.
12:00 Drive 1 1/2 hours to Pinnacle, NC to let Greensboro client into house she is purchasing with funds from house she just sold.
12:30-1 Meet Sarah for lunch
2:30-20 minute drive to King to Attorney's to Close previously mentioned Pinnacle House (whose sellers are also my clients).
3:30-Drive 30 minutes to Mount Airy to put offer in on house for jackass.
4:30-Hopefully pick up checks from King Attorney as well as lock boxes and sign from Volunteer house
5:00-Drive on major highway in rush hour-an hour 1/2 (probably 2 given traffic through Winston) back to Greensboro Office. Submit paperwork. ( I will have to pick up checks from Greensboro closing on Monday as they will be closed by the time I return to town. BOO
Spend about an hour at the office closing up loose ends on these accounts.
Hopefully get home by 8pm. This is a conservative estimate. It will probably take longer to do all this.
Did I mention that it is supposed to be 96 degrees and sunny all day? I will be driving around in a convertible with signs sticking out of my non-existent back seat in a business suit. Yea, I'm going to burn the hell up today. I despise business suits, I really do. (and high heels). Whoever thought up the idea that Real Estate agents should wear business suits when they have to drag signs around and hammer posts in the ground and walk around yards especially during the summer were seriously demented. Thank god, most of my clients don't care when I show up in jeans when we are doing marathon showing days, but for meetings in attorney's office I follow protocol. Bastards. (and in the past few days my language has really taken a turn for the worst. Yikes).

Dear sweet Angel Baby,
Your future mommy is slightly neurotic, a little bit OCD, and very much foul mouthed at the moment. Don't you worry sweet child of mine, because this only means you will have an extreme amount of love, a really clean room, and you will hate the line "Do as I say, not as I do." You will be happy, healthy, and loved though. I promise. People all over the world may want babies, but your Daddy and Me, we want YOU. We know you are up there waiting to inhabit those cluster of cells, someway somehow. I'm working this hard for you, for our future, for a family. You are welcome to join us any time you and God feel your ready, but baby, please make it soon. There are a whole bunch of people down here waiting on you (and like your momma you like to make a late entrance, I understand, I really do).
Your Future (currently stressed out) Momma.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


Waking Temp: 97.7 AGAIN for what the fifth day in a row? Sixth? I can't keep up and am too lazy to look.

As I popped off FF to come write this I got the inspiring idea that I would go take my temperature now. Just to make sure my battery wasn't low, I wasn't half way awake without realizing it in the mornings etc. ( I did have a very rough night last night). Temperature: 99.2

WHAT? I'm a very low grade temperature gal. My normal is typically below the standard 98.7. So I'm running a FEVER??

Am I sick? I don't feel sick. Other than having a slight headache, taking a major poop this morning and feeling very hot in the face and flushed, I feel fine.

Yep, further confirmation that my body hates me.

PS. DH got a call from the Director of ITT who is "looking forward to meeting with us on Monday."

PPS. I tried to postpone a client for a day because of the stress I'm under tomorrow with closings that have changed times, and he doesn't want to wait to put an offer in so asked for someone else. I've worked with them for THREE years. I've sold thier house and been helping them find a new one and he can't give me 24 fucking hours after all this time. So being at the whim of my clients, I will meet this jackass tomorrow KNOWING the offer will not get submitted by the other Agent till Monday anyway. Knowing that the bank will not even look at it for a month as the property is not even fully listed and is not on the MLS yet. Knowing that I will resent the fuck out of them but I refuse to lose this piddly amount of money when I have worked for so long with these people. KNOWING that their offer will not be accepted. KNOWING that it will delay me enough that I will not get my paycheck until Monday now. They used to be my favorite clients. They have now cemented themselves in my HATE category.

Great fucking day off. I hate people and I hate my body.

Day Off My Ass

This is why I hate Days Off. Something always goes wrong. Last night at the meeting with the financial Aid "specialist" at ITT, everything went downhill. The "specialist" was a joke who could not answer a single intelligent question. I despise math and I can run numerical circles around her. When I started spouting figures of loan accruement based on semester costs over a four year span, her face went blank and her response " I don't understand that attitude." Bitch, that is not attitude that is called IQ, something you are obviously lacking even though you work at a college. So ofcourse I did unleash some attitude on her. I kept myself in check but she thought I was a psycho bitch. She literally ran out of her own office and down to the "recruiters" office (who had been some big honcho in the military. I could hear her crying from three doors down. Needless to say, you try to sick some big bad ass (with a used car salesman attitude who wants to placate me and treat me like I'm an idiot) on me, I'm going to unleash the holy hell that is thugbuckin on your ass and completely talk over your head. Which I did (and reduced him to a confused pile of slobbering goo in a Men's Warehouse suit). (I did it all with a Sookie-esque smile plastered across my face and a Southern sugar accent-Yea, I can railroad with the best of them).
If you are going to feed me a line of financial bullshit, you are wasting my time, and you will pay for that. We have an appointment on Monday with the Director and the Dean. This isn't going to be pretty. (and just so we are clear, the poor bastards were getting it from both ends as Stephen was pissed off as well. I was trying not to steam roll over my husband so it ended up being a verbal back and forth where we tag teamed their asses.) They were all glad to see us leave.
I mean seriously, not to sound like an egocentrical bitch, but you put a 20 yo highschool graduate behind a computer screen that takes a Monkey to press some buttons to "tell people what their financial situation is" against a college educated 31 yo Real Estate Broker who eats financial figures for lunch? PUHLEASE. What the hell were they thinking?
So of course last night, in the middle of the night, I'm still rehashing these conversations in my head, creating lines to say to the Director and Dean, formulating my day as I have to deal with closing attorneys, HUD statements etc. All equals out to NO SLEEP. So my day off started slow and drowsy. Nothing has been accomplished and I feel like it was a complete waste of time to take the day off. This is how my days off go. I never have a good productive day off that goes like I want it to.
I'm leaving to get my hair done and a wax. Hopefully that will make me presentable enough to conquer both housework and work work today. Wish me luck. (and if you even think about messing with my money, I would advise you to keep the hell out of my way as Miss S. Johnson learned last night). Rachel, darling, you are right. I am such a bitch, it's a damn good thing you love me anyway..LOL

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


For S.-it’s early, keep charting, stay calm, find inner strength and peace. Prayers for you.

What it is: Hormonal Imbalance can lead to diabetes and heart disease (which my doctor said I am at risk for after my blood work). Typically the small amount of hormones most associated with males, is produced in larger quantities.

Weight Problems (insulin levels get out of balance due to hormones)-while not an excuse it explains a whole lot. It is murder to drop weight but I have no problems packing it on eating LESS then what everyone else does!
Extra Facial and Body Hair-Uni-brow anyone? Extra eyebrow over my lip, course patches of whiskers on my chin, a goody trail over my lower abdomen that doesn’t point to anything at all as its not in a line, the most recent favorite, those three long black hairs that appear above my shoulder blades (SEXY BABY, YEA!). I spend quite a bit of money on waxing, bleaches, VEET, and razors.
Acne-I do not have BAD acne but I have constant tiny clogged pores and black head with random mountains and horns that sprout all over my body at the most inconvenient times.
Thinning Hair on the scalp/dandruff-I do have issues with dry scalp and a place on the back of my head that I feel is thinning but my hair is so thick its hard to tell.
Irregular Periods-Have always had irregular periods since a teen often going MONTHS without a period and then having a painful, clotting, mess for 2 weeks.
Fertility Problems-I’ve been TTC for over 2 years. Until Clomid, my charting had shown maybe one possible ovulation in over six months. Who knows how long it had been since I had truly ovulated.

Why Me?:
PCOS is hereditary. In my family I know of two females in my generation (1st cousins) who have it. Of those two, one had two children when she was very young, and the other has resorted to adoption. Recently learned that the next generation also has one confirmed case of PCOS. We are not sure who we inherited it from as previous generations have all been supremely fertile (6 children or more) that we know of and we have a pretty extensive genealogy thanks to the hobby of one of my cousins. A few of my aunts show classic symptoms but they all had multiple children (3-4 each) starting very young. Maybe that is my biggest problem is that I did not start trying till I was 29.

How I was diagnosed:
During one of my horrible periods complete with clotting and pain so bad I wanted to die (or more accurately go to the hospital for morphine which I had done before), my regular OB could not see me so I saw a PA. She asked me several questions, did a pelvic exam (which if you have never had a pelvic exam while bleeding and clotting heavily, it is completely uncomfortable embarrassing and unpleasant. It makes a regular PAP look like a walk in the park on a summer day. If I could have crawled in the drawer under the exam table, I would have), gave me a preliminary diagnosis and ordered blood work to confirm.
I will admit, since I did not know much about it at the time other then a few mentions of the acronym on BOTB, my world shattered. You would have thought they had told me I would have to have a hysterectomy or something. (I’m a bit of a drama queen sometimes). So through the tears and nerves I proceeded to do a follow up with my regular Dr. who wanted to try Clomid and wanted me to follow up my Bloodpressure etc with a regular dr. I have since found a regular family Dr. (as I didn’t have one before) but I have only been there Once.
What does this bring to my life? Frustration, mad charting, Clomid, increased exercise, constantly working on improving my eating habits and making better choices and I was able to quit smoking for good. It’s been 5 months since I have had a cigarette. I do drink a bit more now though *wink*. (not really, I’ve never been too much of a drinker).
How does my story end? I don’t know, I haven’t given up completely yet. For those of you who are having difficulties, I pray that you are not one of every 15 women who have PCOS. I pray that no matter what comes your way, you have strength and courage to get through it. If any of you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me. I am always here for you. My cousin (the one who adopted) gave me one of the most heartfelt long discussions about her journey and what would happen to me as I sat in my car and cried in my Dr.’s office parking lot. She prayed for me and told me how she had made it through. I’ve found strength in that and while we never have had the best relationship, I have counted her friendship through this and her strength as one of my saving graces through this ordeal. Thank you Renee. I admire you so much in not only your faith and strength but for turning your ordeal into an opportunity of love in adopting your beautiful babies and providing a wonderful home to countless foster children.
It is my turn to pass on my story and hopefully provide knowledge if not hope and faith for someone who reads this.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I, Robot, that's me

I have turned into a robot. Look at my chart. Since the crazy late ovulation, my temperatures are staying at 97.7. WHAT? maybe its not unheard of but it is a bit odd in my opinion. I'm an up and down kind of temperature girl (look at the previous 50 days if you don't believe me). I knew this cycle was bust. I wish I had never shown any kind of ovulation at all, stupid right ovary. Atleast then I wouldn't be pissed at myself for giving up even though the liklihood of the egg being any good is slim to none. Upside? This time it didn't hurt. So had I ovulated at a normal time, I may have had a chance. Stupid right ovary.

In other news, I worked out last night. I made it through half of what I was doing just a week ago thanks to not working out. It's amazing how fast you lose all your hardwork. I'm not sure if its the work out as I didn't really do anything with my shoulder or the pouring rain and cooling temperatures, but my shoulder is on fire today. I can hardly move it.

It is at the very tip on the bone (which leads me back to my ectopic freak out...no no no, steph slap me). My stress is still way up there. Thanks to my blue tooth I made several calls this morning to attorneys to get the closing ball on the road. I'm going to see what I can get done at lunch today as well. The problem is, lunch time and evenings, people aren't working so I can never get anything done. This is the trouble with the two jobs.

I tried to talk DH into helping me organize the office last night (where I emptied my work office and have to combine it into my home office, things are a bit disorganized at the moment) so I could make sure all my paperwork was together for Friday. He didn't. I love the man but sometimes I want to beat him upside the head. He was being very disagreeable and moody yesterday. I ofcourse was not in the best mood either so who knows.

Stress is still there. I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time. I still don't know where to go or what to do about the whole picture but one step at a time right? (I say that now, but as the day creeps by, my time runs short, the stress sets in). YAY

Monday, June 15, 2009

Stress Overload

I can feel it. The overwhelming black whole of despair that opens up like a yawnig chasm before me when I get overly stressed. I'm thinking about bills, the damn roof, the real estate closings, work here, meeting at DH's college about financial options (have I mentioned its going to cost us 80,000.00 for his degree?)etc.

He wants to go to school which will mean 3-4 nights a week after work. I will have all the household chores and animals and he still wants to go forward with baby. We are both in our early 30's at this point. Our money is tight as it is, I have fertility problems. The overwhelming stress on me is insane at this moment. I feel like I'm going to rupture into tears at any moment. The acid is creeping up wanting to break forth and spew in chuncks. It feels like ants under my skin rampaging through my body. My eyes are going blurry.

I can't seem to shut it down or compartmentalize. I've been living like this for the past year or more and nothing gets solved, nothing is taken off of me, just more keeps adding to me. My burden is too great and I think I'm going to crack soon. I've got to get out of here. I've got to get away or get something to change but I don't know where to turn. I absolutely have no one to help me figure this out.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Baby Stalkage: Movie Review

Not to give credit to Ms. Courtney, the poster previously mentioned who believed babies were stalking her (which in all honestly was a very bad attempt to humor on her part...hey we all can't be witty in writing), I do have a similar tale to tell (without all the paranoia and over dramatized stalker bits).

You know how you try to be a little unique but up on the times but you end up falling into an overdone trend without realizing it (basically because we are too busy trying to keep up AND be original that we fail on powers of observation). I am a total victim of that. My friends and family have joked for YEARS that there is a satellite trained on me to snatch every thought from my head as soon as I have it and turn it into a major trend. Example: I wanted to be different so I bought a YELLOW mustang (versus the ever popular black, white and red). Before I knew it, every where I turned there is a yellow mustang. I started gardening using the Box method, and now everyone is talking about that being the best method. I could go on forever.

This is what I think dear Courtney was trying to express. When we become focused on something so heavily we see it everywhere. In her case: smiling, cooing, adorable babies. During my wedding, I know it seemed there was a barrage of wedding movies coming out, wedding shows, wedding this, wedding that. Now that I'm trying so hard to have a family: baby movies, baby shows, OMGwouldtheworldjustleavemetosufferinpeace!

Ofcourse, faced with this barrage of media stimuli I torture myself by CHOOSING to watch it. The most recent? BABY ON BOARD starring Heather Graham. While she is not in the least one of my favorite actresses she can be rather humorous so I gave it a try. As a relationship movie: B-. As a Baby movie: FAIL. The movie was really nothing to do with the baby but a bunch of whiney successful career minded deceitful cheating brats. He did this, friend consults for revenge and upper hand (who is completely off base), retaliation, vice versa, etc. NO ONE COMMUNICATES. UGH. Ofcourse the bitter bitch rears her ugly head and I'm going "how do self involved people like this get to have children and NOT WANT THEM because their CAREER is taking off and I don't." (It lasted all of 3 seconds literally.) As a cheesy B movie, it had a few funny moments. Acting was decent, had a decent cast. You won't be missing anything if you wait till its on the ONE dollar rental table though.

FF, Make up Your Mind

I swear, every time I put a new temperature in, FF changes my O date. I get the whole day 49 to day 50 thing. But Day 51? Really? Come on Now. It would be great for the simple fact we had sex that day, but honestly FF, I'm not buying it. If I ovulated, it was day 49-50. Don't effing TEASE me with hopes of day 51 with corresponding sex. I am NOT in a 2WW. I'm still waiting for this cycle from Hades to be over, AF to show up like a dirty whore late to a truck stop, and start anew.

I've had multiple stressing, mood swings and quite a few break downs. The most recent was Friday night's panic attack because I googled Ectopic symptoms after reading JLT's blog about shoulder pain. Given my recent week of random shoulder pain, clomid cycle from hell etc. I admit to a slight panic attack. Thank you Stephanie for being here to bring me back down to earth.

Should FF be right, then ofcourse I just ovulated and the point would be moot as all the symptoms would have to have stemmed from a much earlier ovulation. Whoever said I was completely sane and in my right mind? Surely, not me!

Friday, June 12, 2009


I can feel it climbing up my throat and I know its not from the McDonald's sausage. It's the desolate, longing for a BFP, for a functioning body, for a happy feeling, in the wake of a barrage of other's BFP's.

I am truly ecstatic for them. I know a few have had a rough go of it, and I just want to cry tears of joys for their happiness and success. BUT I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I would be crying for myself too. For not knowing when of IF I will ever experience any of this stuff that I'm forced to live through other's eyes. There are people with longer wait times then me who have or have not recieved their miracles but to me, I'm at 2 years 3 months of TTC and the emotional toll is catastrophic. Somedays, I know I've lost most hope and I don't know where to go.

It's like I'm constantly standing at a crossroads, not knowing which path to choose but knowing ONE is childless and ONE has a slim possibility but still not knowing which to go down. I feel myself slipping into one of those funks. DH still maintains that he wants me to try atleast one more round of Clomid despite the horrible way it made me feel. I'm scared to go through all of that AGAIN for no reason. I'm scared to keep doing these things at DH's insistence because I feel I owe him the duty of trying long after I've given up. I don't want to hate him for the pain. I don't want him to hate me for not being able to give him a child.

I don't want to sit here at my desk on my lunch break crying over these stupid possibilities that may never come to pass. I want to be HAPPY for everyone and move on in a steady direction, but there's that nasty sludge creeping up my throat, knotting there, ready to spew disillusion and hatred at the world. Please come quickly 5pm.

I have Issues

Issues with McDonald's Gravy biscuits. They are so yummy in their sawmill sausage peppered goodness with a bazillion calories. I despise fast food, but I LOVE breakfast food and well, McD's had me at Gravy.

I very rarely allow myself this pleasure but in my anxiety yesterday I did. This morning when DH took the last granola bar AND my last poptart as well as the debit card, I took the fact that I had 4 dollars in my purse as a sign that I could indeed provide myself with breakfast on the way to work. The impatient Buckin actually sat in a 12 car line at the McDonald's drive through for a gravy biscuit and it was GOOOODDDDDD!

I absolutely can not have another one, until Fall. It is one of the few foods that I could create an addiction to. I contribute about 10 lbs to breakfast foods from a job I had 5-6 years ago. When you have to be at work before sun up to unlock the place and the only thing between home and work is a McDonalds and Biscuitville, yea, they know you by name. Le sigh.

This week has just been bad all the way around for my healthy lifestyle. Shoulder injury, fast food, not working out, stormy weather creating lazy me every evening on the sofa with a Sookie Stackhouse novel. Thank goodness for a weekend and hopefully a productive crazy short week next week.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

WTF Chart

Why is this fair? Round TWO of Clomid, I had the most horrible beginnings to the month. This was a really hard month for me to the point I still haven't decided if I am doing another round. My sex drive went to ZERO, not just I don't feel like having sex but a GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME OR I WILL CHOP IT OFF type Zero (just scroll back through the blog, those entries are there).

I gave up on this cycle. My chart was so obviously annovulatory and it was dragging out and at one point I tried to quit temping but that didn't last long..so I kept temping and just didn't enter the info into FF. The past few days I've noticed an excess of discharge (which I never have). Yesterday the tiniest bit of spotting, hardly noticeable AT ALL, so I'm thinking AF is finally on her way. Here's a little TMI: last night I finally "serviced" DH and I noticed some twinges of pain (if you didn't read my blog over a month ago, I had serious pain with a cyst rupturing during ovulation to the point sex was almost impossible. Then today I noticed a jump in temp. So I imput the past several temps into FF and what do I get? FUCKING CROSSHAIRS. Are you kidding me? OVULATION on day 49? Ofcourse we didn't have sex in time if it were real. WHO THE HELL OVULATES on day 49? Oh wait, that COULD be me.

I'm ready to stab myself, I'm so frustrated right now. I guess if AF shows her dirty face in 9 more days I will know I ovulated as that would be my LP. Then I will be even more pissed that thanks to my fucked up body I missed a chance AGAIN.

I was done with this cycle. I was over it. Now I'm crying because I may have given up too soon. My emotional wreckage of yesterday may not have been PMS but a surge of hormones from Ovulation. Just effin great. I'm not technically in a 2 week wait as there is nothing to WAIT on, since we didn't have sex. This is just extremely depressing at this point. I truly think this is WORSE then not ovulating at all.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Another Courtney?

courtney.wells of Texas contributed this gem to BOTB today. Her original post was wether to BD (for those with brains that is sex) if an OPK line turned dark on that night. It went down hill from there. The thing is, most of these posts become entertaining because people get bent out of shape and keep posting idiotic things Like this follow up post:

Joined on 01-21-2009
29 Posts
620 Points
Great, thanks... you guys were awesome. and i am a big girl. I don't care if you can google me or read my facebook. I am from TEXAS....as I was so kindly reminded of.... and in Texas we revere our "religion and weapons" or so I have heard so I am not worried if someone can find my address. I live in the damn country so if they can find it more power to em....

I have read the f'n instructions on everything 60 thousand times. I just had a miscarriage....at 15 weeks. Everything we are trying to do to conceive right now I am second guessing because we are going on cycle 6 and still nothing. I didn't have trouble getting pregnant with my son so I am not an idiot ....I mostly just needed some support and a little affirmation.

But thanks anyway ....you all have made my day.

Really? Wow. Since when does being from TEXAS (not just Texas ya'll but TEXAS) mean you have religion and guns that keep you safe? Did she sneak off the the Yearning for Zion Ranch just to post to our humble message board? Not to mention her pity stories (and we know they are stories since she had a blog and then later deleted that blog and felt the need to elaborate on the stories (take my word for it, big ole mess).

I really hate that I missed what apparently was great entertainment from yet ANOTHER Courtney. If I can say one thing about this message board it is to never name a girl Courtney as apparently that has become THE name for girls in 2009 to use to post stupid blathering posts with.

So where was I during all this? Either asleep or mowing my lawn since I only worked an hour today and came home. My day has passed by in a dream and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow, but I will.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Protect Your Children

This post is not meant to scare anyone, so don't freak out. As many of you know, I am in Real Estate and I have to take Continuing Education classes to keep my license every year. Now, while this is the bane of my existence right now, I do learn something new occasionally and this year I took a class on Environmental Hazards because it sounded interesting.

A few things stood out to me:
New statistics show that 75-90% of the population now has a predominantly indoor sedentary lifestyle.
EPA says that our indoor air quality is 10-200 times worse than outdoor air quality.
New construction techniques which improve efficieny also creates an environment for mold which can include toxic varieties due to new construction materials and the air tightness of methods.
150,000 known species of MOLD.

What does this mean to you? Be aware of health issues where you live whether you rent or own. This includes but is not limited to Asbestos building materials, formaldehyde (more prevalent in newer construction), Radon (all over the United States and probably world wide), Lead Paint (structures built prior to 1978) and MOLD. Be very concious of humidity and moisture in your home to help prevent mold issues.

These issues can cause serious health issues for everyone but are especially noticeable in children under 6 and pregnant women. While I may be reduced to a bored mass of blubbering tears from these classes, it is worth it to share information with all of you and my clients, so I wanted to take this opportunity to post a simple reminder. Consider yourself reminded and more informed. If I can ever answer any questions, please let me know. Much Love to all of you and your loved ones!

*Disclaimer: I am not nor do I claim to be an expert on any Environmental Hazardous Issues nor on Real Estate in any area other than North Carolina. I will however help direct you in the appropriate direction/professionals/agencies/organizations if any of these issues are of concern to you.

Swim Suit Shopping

The dreaded debacle: Swimsuit shopping. I have not purchased a swimsuit in 5 years. Everytime I go, I am tortured and depressed with the selection and how they look. The swimsuits I love are over 100.00 and I just can't see paying that. Back in the day they were 40 or 50 and I can justify that, but 100? for underwire and shaping panels? No.

So every year I torture myself with the marathon run of stores before the first pool party that always leaves me ill, depressed and pissed off. My poor husband hates these trips and bless his heart, accompanies me EVERY year. I usually throw a temper tantrum in Macy's and go home empty handed. This year was not much different. My temper tantrum was in the car, but I still had one.

I did end up in a last second ditch effort of necessity (all my bathing suits are thread bare with dry rotted elastic and material) buy a two piece at Walmart. It does not have the desperately sought after underwire for bodacious boob support but it is comfortable and a little bit cute with the flat skirted hip hugging bottoms.

What I didn't do? Follow a friends advice to buy a maternity suit as they have "better boob support". Yes she did it, and has an adorable tankini that does not look like a maternity suit but the emotional ramifications for me was a bit much especially in my state of heightened psychosis. I just could not bring myself to go the maternity section.

What if someone said "oh when are you due?" I would have cried or smacked them (or knowing me, smacked them then cried as they were hauling me out in front of news cameras from Target) ha ha. I'm so paranoid about "jinxing" myself which is absolutely absurd I know, but also I just don't want to deal with the emotions of being a barren woman buying maternity and baby stuff. Both makes me sound/look crazy but I just can't help myself.

So my big boobs and I, while great for getting car information, had a traumatic Friday evening in the bathing suit delimma of 2009.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I have taken this limbo in between time to really focus on my health and try to drop some poundage because I know an RE is going to demand it be so. This week has been extremely productive in working out routinely and addressing my calorie intake and problem areas. However, at this point, I need to make note that I am absolutely SICK of broccoli. I swear I have eaten more veggies this week then ever before, but broccoli is the one flavor that is standing out the most. I brought steamed broccoli, rice and chicken leftovers for lunch today and with every bite I come close to puking.

I know this shit is good for me, but my goodness, someone give me a brownie STAT. I am a Southern girl, damn it and that requires fried foods, gravy and biscuits not this brown rice and broccoli cardboard. Why the hell do you people think we held onto our corsets and hoop skirts long after the city folks went to more slim lined looks? Its not only because we look fabulous sitting on a veranda sipping sweet tea, it was to hold the fried gravy soaked fat rolls in place and prohibit us from eating anything more. Where is grandma's corset when you need it? Blubber wasn't the only reason Ishmael hunted whales. The Southern state trade was very lucrative in corset boning!

DAMN modern times and thier fashion pressures. *wink*

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

BOTB Posts of the Day

The crazies came out in droves on a Wednesday. Between people cursing out PEE Pushers because the internet pregnancy test was malfunctioning and baby stalkage, it has been quite amusing so far. The winner..and I don't think it will be surpassed anytime soon:


Ok here is the deal my other non married with no children friends think I am crazy but I feel that I am being followed by babies. And yes now that I have said it out loud several times it does sound crazy. But I believe it is true. My husband and I have been married for 4months so I'm still on the fence as to when we should start trying to conceive. But lately every where I go I feel like I am being stalked by babies and not just any kind of babies these are babies that look like they could be from me and my husband. Again strange I know. And they smile at me, laugh at me, wave at me, one baby even reached out and asked for a hug. Is it in my mind or is someone trying to send me a message that me and my husband need to start being in the "family way?" Someone please tell I am not crazy and that being stalked by babies might possible be something that really happens? Please help! Picture contributed by the hilarious Nikisnow as a warning.

Thank goodness I'm not THAT crazy yet (and it gets better, as she continues we find she works for unemployment..and we wonder why our jobmarket and economy have gone to hell in a handbasket...me thinks its from all the darn babies stalking our officers). That is the thing I love about BOTB. No matter how stupid I may feel sometimes about my baby related actions/thoughts/emotions, I can always go here to prove I am far more superior than the majority of the population that is reproducing. HA HA


Confession: I'm completely obsessed with Tori Spelling. Not in a bad stalker kind of way, but in a growing fan kind of way. I was never a huge fan of hers on 90210 and I admit to gossiping about Daddy landing her the job, but I also loved her as Violet on Saved By the Bell. I happened across Tori and Dean: Inn Love one day and I've been hooked ever since. I even read sTori Telling and loved it.

DH is even watching Tori and Dean: HOme Sweet Hollywood with me. I can not WAIT for her new book to come out. I think the biggest thing about Tori, is that I'm on the same page with her. (without the money, fame, opportunities etc.) ha ha. I've found THE GUY after a relationship that was toxic, I have family issues (not nearly to her caliber), I'm ready to be both successful at work as well as a great mom (though I can't get pregnant like she can) and there is never enough time to do everything.

So yea, ofcourse our lives are completely and totally different, but I do RELATE to her. So as silly as it is for one such as me who has NEVER followed the gossip rags, can't stand Access Hollywood or Entertainment Tonight, I absolutely adore following Tori Spelling. There, I've said it and I am not ashamed.


Due to all this rain, being late getting things planted, etc. I feel like I haven't followed the steps closely as planned. I did take some updated pictures last night so you can see how much everything has grown though. I'll post them later. Right now I wanted to do a quick review of the steps up to this point.

Tilled Lettuce bed (late start didn't get prepared)
Planted lettuce, cabbage and early tomatoes
Removed weeds
Added manure (let sit for a few days)
Tilled manure and soil to mix
Added 10-10-10 fertilizer just for fun
Two weeks later, deweeded, added more fertilizer and mulched Beans, squash, eggplant.
Planted petunia's around Beans
Four weeks after planting-deweeded, hoed, fertilized cucumbers and peppers and corn.
Staked tomatoes
Picking and eating lettuce at this point.

Updates: Weeds are taking over lettuce bed because it was not properly prepared. Due to the massive amounts of rain we have had, much of my lettuce is already bolting and the bugs and rabbits are destroying my cabbage. I can't keep 7 Dust on it because of the rain.

My cucumbers and squash/zuchini have had to be seperated as they were planted double (by the nursery)and the second plants did not die off. I have lost ONE pepper plant and ONE eggplant due to forces unknown. (My guess is trampling by dogs, rabbits or cats that like to plow through my garden beds willy nilly. RIP little planties.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Good Babyless Days

After a terrible start to my morning, DH and I had a great evening. When I got home from work, we ofcourse talked over our days as usual. (DH and I do not email, text or talk on the phone during working hours AT ALL which makes for a great routine of sharing our days when we get home.) Then I did my work out (complete with yelling at the TV and complaining that I was going to die, while DH laughed at me.)

After that, I put dinner in the oven and trotted out to the pool where I swam laps waiting for DH to get back from the barn. He actually got in the pool with me, which is amazing as he rarely uses the pool with me unless we are having a party or something. He even helped me do laundry while I finished up dinner and we ate while watching Greek and went to bed early.

A VERY relaxing evening, that made me so happy. I have to admit, while I was swimming laps and getting smooched by my Doxie at each turn, I started to wonder if this made me happy. This freedom to swim when I want and how little I will be able to use the pool when there is a baby. I also had to examine whether I would be happy forever having fur babies and no sounds of baby coos. I don't know. I think if I HAVE to accept a childless future, I will have no choice but to try and find happiness in the activities such as that or I will go insane. I'm sure it would be easier to bear if I drank, but I'm not much of a drinker. The few years of having to center my activities around a small baby though can't compare with the years afterwards of excited childish laughter begging to go swimming.

There just really isn't a comparison and for a brief millasecond I may have thought, "Wow, this is peaceful, this childless life of mine" but then the pain crept in, the tears came up, and no amount of telling myself that, made up for what we are lacking. So yes, I can appreciate that yesterday was a great day for a babyless day but I can only imagine the good days WITH a baby will mean so much more.