I forgot about the insomnia

Completely slipped my mind. Three days of it and a scary episode this morning? Reminded me. I'm so exhausted and I have broken bloodvessels in my eyes that would put me in the running for a character in Twilight. I could play Edward better than Rob at the moment (pale, bloodshot, moody). And even with my big boobs, I would still do a better job, guaranteed, without looking like a constipated paste muncher.

But we are not here to discuss the onset of teenybopper vampire drama. We are here to talk about clomid. The bane of my existence and the only current hope I have of achieving pregnancy. So what was so scary this morning? I woke up. Great right? No. I woke up while DRIVING my car and had no clue where I was. This wasn't a freaky incident of auto pilot people. I made random turns to places I've never gone for any reason and ended up in some neighborhood I've never been in and I WOKE UP. Thank god I did not hit anyone. I don't remember anything for about a 5 mile stretch. It wasn't ME driving. I was really disoriented there for a bit. That is how tired I am people. I'm exhausted and even my reliable autopilot is broken.

I can't even look at myself because of this big red spot in my eye. It's gross. There has been a lot of talk about clomid lately. A lot of Dr's prescribe it without monitoring and without much information. Looking up information online can often be overwhelming and scary, though it should always be done. We are living in an age that the common person can be proactive in their treatment and atleast come prepared with knowledge of what is going on. So here is a comprehensive list of side effects (I know it sounds awful and even the side effects I have, while some of them are on that list they aren't as bad as they sound. I don't sleep, have breast tenderness, a get nauseaus and have some abdominal pain -which for me is the stimulation of my slackass ovaries actually doing their job). There are other symptoms I have but those are the basics. It sounds terrible but considering what I'm trying to gain, I can get through it (with a lot of venting on here. HA!)

So lets talk monitoring for a moment. I admit it. I'm not monitored. I was the first month with sonograms because I had not ovulated in years. I did have a small cyst burst. It was painful but not large enough to damage anything. I ovulated. My ovaries looked good, my tubes are clear (discovered from having an HSG prior to clomid). Because I aggressively chart and check cervical mucous and position, my dr's did not feel it was necessary to continue monitoring me. I got pregnant and they did bloodwork and monitored my progress at that point. I lost the baby but not due to the clomid. So at this point they know clomid works for me, we know how it effects me and we can confirm that i indeed ovulate via charting. I did the research, I know the risks. I also know what insurance covers, and how far away my Dr is and how much time that would require me to take off work which I don't have. I'm comfortable with the decisions between me and my dr. Some people aren't given the choice due to government run healthcare etc. to be monitored. So when we talk about monitoring what are we talking about? Here is a basic monitoring method of clomid.

For some more information about Clomid and monitoring go here. There is a LOT of information out there about this drug. Its not all pretty and its not all good. I advocate monitoring but I don't advocate scaring the crap out of people about it who it literally is not an option for monitoring. Not every country's healthcare is the same as USA and not every insurance provider is decent. It's a fact that we live with. My best advice: be educated about what is going on, about what your options are, what to look for, and make the best choices you can for you. If you have the option to be monitored and the opportunity, by all means, DO IT. Give people the information and suggest places for them to go to be informed. ADVOCATE EDUCATION about anything someone is going to do to their body/about their body/drugs/treatments.

And if you experience a random sleep driving episode, calmly turn around in someones driveway, wave at them, and get thee to starbucks ASAP. ::sips Venti Starbucks daintily::

Whine, Whine, pass the wine

I had a horrible night last night. It started around 4pm yesterday afternoon and I had an onset of a bad headache. So pressured through making dinner, picking the garden and taking the dogs out. Went through my normal routine before bedtime without eating dinner as I just couldn't stomach it. Went to bed about 10:45. And this is where the fun begins.

11:30ish I woke moaning loudly and thrashing from severe pain shooting down my right side in my back and ribs. It woke my husband up. I sat up and he tried rubbing my shoulders and back and that's when I realized I was going to puke everywhere. I was so nauseated and the room was spinning. I hurt ALL over. You know the body aches when you have the flu? yea, THAT.

I tried to sleep again as the severe pain eased but I literally woke up in a sweat every 30 minutes to an hour and had to pee. Every trip to the bathroom was like walking the Green Mile and I felt 90 years old my body hurt so bad.

This morning when the alarm went off, I just cried. Bless DH's heart he had a horrid night too. He kept trying to comfort me all night and snuggle with me and I was a mess.

I am so freakin' tired today I don't know how I'm going to make it and I have so much to do! I'm also excruciatingly sore. If I weren't already taking Friday afternoon off to go to Charlotte with some girlfriends, I would totally be taking this afternoon off to go home and sleep.

Is this the effect of the drugs? I don't know. It's been so long since I've taken them I honestly don't remember everything. I do know, IT SUCKS!

Clomid Day 2...err 3?

I take the Clomid at night so I will take another does tonight. I'm not sure if that makes today day 2 or 3. LOL. Despite my massive allergic reaction ALL day yesterday that landed me on my sofa at home with a slight fever, I took my meds. I was able to come off the reaction after about an hour or two at home so I figured if it was the meds, I could get through it and if it wasn't then I had nothing to worry about.

The interesting thing is that literally five minutes after walking into the office this morning, I started reacting again. I never had allergies until I started working here. My coworker has major allergy problems since working here. People walk into our office all the time and start sneezing and coughing. My job is killing me. In the past two years, I've progressively gotten worse.

I broke down and sent yet another letter to HR about the situation. Their basic air quality study they had done turned up nothing "significant." I have a confirmed mold and mildew allergy so even a non "significant" amount of mold and mildew in the air can be harmful. thank you very much. It's very frustrating. My boss said they may move me out of this office to upstairs in accounting or parts. Bigger desk of my own..which means more space. Either place would allow me to work around women instead of all men. I could start wearing nicer shoes as I wouldn't have to worry about busting my butt just to go to the bathroom on these armoralled floors. However, it would be quite annoying when I have to deal with parts and filing etc as I would still have to come back here to my current office area. I guess we will wait and see. I despise being difficult. I never want to put my job on the line but this is my HEALTH.

On to other news, I've been doing a lot of research about PCOS. I did a lot before when I got the diagnosis but I'm learning more about the actual insulin regulation correspondance to diet etc. I'm hoping to share some of this information with you over the next few weeks as well as change my diet to start reflecting it. I will probably coordinate my two blogs on this endeavor. Introducing PCOS to my food followers and linking PCOS friendly recipes over here. I'm not ready to combine the two blogs as my family and coworkers etc. do not read this one and I'm not ready to be bitchily honest about my lady bits to readers who just want recipes. LOL So for now, it will maintain seperate blogs. However if you do read both, please do not be surprised to see some duplicate posts. I apologize for that but I don't know how else to do it right now. They are both important to me. This one is my emotional outlet. The other one keeps me sane and focused on something other than my brokenness. I need them both to function at the moment.

Beginning Again and Infertility Awareness

This week is Infertility Awareness week. Something that has not been highly publisized or recognized despite the fact that it affects 7.3 million Americans. (I don't know the figure worldwide). It is not limited to women and is a highly emotional and often complicated process for couples. It is heartbreaking, devastating and all consuming in their lives.

As you all know, I know this. I've been struggling for over three years now to have a child with one pregnancy ending towards the end of the first trimester and one chemical pregnancy. But I am, unfortunately, not alone in this fight. There are others. Hundreds of others. Like the fun and talented Jenny. The ambitious and beautiful Mrs.S. The vivacious Johanna.. The Very zen and spirited American Tribal. The beautiful and amazingly strong Jeanna. And the sweet and hopeful Dee. These women are just a FEW of the amazing women I have met that suffer along with me.

Infertility hurts. The common comfort sayings that issue from people's mouths without thought such as "Relax" and "When the time is right" do not help. Telling me you had trouble getting pregnant when it took you two months, is not even close to being comparable. Telling me you have ADHD and understand what its like to go through life broken? Bitch please. You have no idea.

For everyone out there reading this, whether you suffer from infertility or not, please educate yourselves. Spread the word this week so that other women can have the support and understanding they need. Visit sites, read statistics. Hug your friends who are suffering.

I have an amazing network of women and bloggers who are supportive. Do we always say the right things to each other even though we KNOW what catch phrases are meaningless? Absolutely not. As a society we seem to be programmed with certain "comfort" phrases that vomit forth automatically. Faith phrases may be fine for one but a slap in the face for someone else. No one is perfect. Even those that suffer from the same issues can slip up with someone else, but you can tell when someone is sincerely offering understanding and comfort from someone who just has diahrea of the mouth and is clueless. No matter what though, they need understanding. Just shut up and listen sometimes. You can't fix it. Nothing you say will fix it or make it go away or make it easier. Infertility is a lonely dark road full of depression, excitement, and fear. It's often a long journey with crossroads, straying paths, and broken bridges. It's a journey that so many of us are forced to take without choice.

It is not my job as an infertile woman to provide a home for all the orphans out there. Could that be a possibility in our future. Yes. By all means it may be. But I will not adopt a child as a substitute for a biological child. I will adopt one because I want to. So please don't say "you can always adopt." Adoption comes with its own heartaches, struggles, budget and pitfalls. It's a beautiful and amazing thing but its not the answer for everyone and is not the responsibility of those of us who have trouble. Life isn't fair but we shouldn't be looked down upon as inferior because of a medical condition that we have no control over. Again, Educate yourselves and those around you. You never know who is going to go through this that you may know.

And with that, I will end by saying it is fitting in a way, that this week I finally stepped up to the plate. I took my medicine. Literally. Last night was the first night of clomid. We are TTC with medical help once again. So in this week, while I stand up and recognize Infertility for everyone and encourage you to spread the word for all of us, I continue the effort for that one thing that will complete us...a baby of our own.

All my love to all my girls and I pray that 2011 will be a wonderful birth year for our little ones.

Clomid Day 1

Today is supposed to be the day we start back on Clomid. I had decided due to recent financial strains, that we would put off TTC as much as I didn't want to. Then last weekend happened and my hopes were so high as were DH's.

He really doesn't want me putting off TTC, but I'm trying to be responsible. Honestly, all the things that can go wrong is scarying me to death on the tail end of a m/c and the allergy attack.

I had a mild allergic reaction last night, to my blessed Subway. Same sandwich at the Same location I always get. So there is one of two things that cold have happened:
1) They were busy and were not changing gloves between sandwiches so their gloves could have been contaminated by another food.
2) Something had mold in it (since I have a known mold allergy). This seems more probable to me.

The first thing I noticed was my lips went numb, and then the end of my tongue. My chest got blotchy red and then my face started turning pink. Then my stomach started rolling and my throat got a little itchy and I started coughing. I did manage to stay calm and took a swig of liquid benedryl which promptly knocked my arse out within 10 minutes. I slept through everything else.

This morning my face felt hot but wasn't red so I just drank A LOT of water and I feel okay now. Chest feels a little tight today but I stayed calm and the benedryl kicked it. So that's good.

Not so good when I'm thinking about taking Clomid. Does NOT help the decision. I've been putting it off because I know my husband doesn't want to talk about it. It makes him upset but its tonight or never. We have to discuss this.

I honestly don't know what I want to do. TTC and deal with it as it comes or wait. AGAIN. On one shoulder is a voice saying: You have waited over three years through your struggles of TTC, don't put it off now. On the other, You have waited this long, its not like its going to matter since you will never have a kid anyway.

What to do, what to do.

Clomid: A New kind of Terrorism

As my husband is lying on the bed with his penis out, making comments and gestures, this is the conversation that transpires:

ME: “Are you really horny or something honey?” (I know, kind of a duh question with a man)

DH: “I’m trying to impregnate you. I can’t take many more months of this Clomid/Met stuff”

ME: “How do you think I feel?”

DH: “Yea, but you are like a terrorist. You strapped the bomb to your chest and I’m just the innocent bystander getting blown up.”

ME: “EXCUSE ME? I’m a terrorist…..(sputter sputter) and you are innocent?”

DH: “Okay, so maybe I’m more like the driver of the car, I KNOW you have the bomb strapped on, but I’m still innocent, but you are my friend. We are friendly suicide bombers.”

ME: “You may want to stop now, if you plan on having a chance in hell of impregnating me tonight. If you don’t like my crazy suicide bomber emotions now, what do you think is going to happen for the next 9 months?”

DH: “Yes, but at that point, I KNOW I’m getting something out of the deal at the end. I get a baby. Right now its just an unending walk in a mine field.”

ME: “So first I’m a terrorist suicide bomber and now I’m a mine field. Nice.”

DH: “Okay, so you are the Taliban begging for me to invade you. I know I’m going to get blown up but you are asking for it. So woman, prepare to be invaded.”

ME: “The Taliban huh? Invaded? You are such a romantic asshole.”

This is what happens when you marry an ex-marine. Everything in life becomes a military analogy, including IF. Yes ladies, my IF journey has now become my husbands crusade. He is conquering foreign lands and defeating IF with the shear force of his sperm army. His guns are loaded and he is making nightly forays into enemy territory laying siege to land waiting for the commanding egg to appear and the Talimoodswing Leader to change tactics. So far we have not won a battle, but we continue to storm the forts.

Oy Vey.

Clomid Plus Metformin

I am home again today. I toyed with going to work but I just couldn't quite make myself. The worst of it today is having no voice and a scratchy throat. I'm assuming all the puking yesterday really tore up my throat. I could hardly eat yesterday evening and today I can only croak instead of talk. I'm still passing clots but they are smaller and the pain is just cramps: constant aches but nothing more than discomfort. I can handle that. I can handle cleaning myself up every 30 minutes to an hour due to Niagara in my drawers, but I didn't think I could handle sitting at a desk all day being uncomfortable (and that's if I could get any of my pants buttoned around this distended bloat). Thank god for leopard print cotton genie lounge pants that may be out of style and too big but by golly are awesomely comfortable during times like this. (Only over my dead body will you ever see a picture of me in them they are THAT bad).

So today, I'm going to alternate between cleaning my house and laying on a heating pad watching TV. It's 9am and I've already conquered the laundry monster that was in my bedroom.

Thankfully the Dr.'s office called a little before 9am to tell me that they have called in prescriptions for me to Walgreens. They approved the Clomid AND Metformin. I told DH if I was going to do it, then I was going to do it all the way so here we go. I am honestly dreading this but a tiny bit excited that hopefully I will increase my chances. I'm going to hunt down some Pre-conceive as well to improve all odds as much as possible.

I've been told that the clotting issues I have may go away once I have a child. That's just one more plus (as if we really NEED any more positives to having a baby) to push myself to get KTFU. You know, besides the typical biological reasons for wanting one. So despite my previous whining about not doing more drugs, I'm on board for this month atleast.

Thank you girls for your words of comfort and well wishes both on the blog and via text yesterday. It's nice to know that people are thinking about me when I'm feeling that low. Big e-hugs!

Back to Business

The Business of my Ute that is. I'm indecisive about taking more Clomid. This cycle has been hell on me to be frank. My chart is all over the place. My lack of sleep is driving me insane. I'm nervous, neurotic, moody and I want to kill someone. Anyone will do at the moment. I'm a very sexual person, and this month I can't stand my husband touching me. Everything is TOO sensitive to the point it hurts or is at minimum highly uncomfortable. Foreplay is completely out. IT SUCKS. I.do.not.like.it.at.ALL.

I had pretty much given up on this month. My chart was off and we weren't having sex, so I didn't see the point. I didn't use OPK's, not checking my cervix, I was done. Today I noticed my last few temps. It almost looks like I may have ovulated. I won't know for sure until I watch it for the next few days. I did not have any ovulation pain or cyst rupturing pain this time. So if I did ovulate, my right ovary may work painlessly.

The biggest problem is, the lack of sex which means, if I did ovulate, we missed it. DAMNIT. So either way you look at it, this was a wasted cycle. Bless DH's heart, he has been trying, and I've wanted NOTHING to do with it. He keeps asking me how we are supposed to have children if I won't let him touch me. I can tell he's getting frustrated with me. It's pretty bad when a man doesn't get excited by a BJ. "You can't get pregnant that way." Sigh.

I'm AFRAID to take the clomid next month. I'm afraid it will be worse since it will be a higher dose yet again. Plus I'm pretty sure based on last month that my left ovary does work. DH has also said, "We are having sex from the time you stop AF to the time you start AF again if it kills me." No darling, that much sex won't kill you, but I might if you keep coming near me with that thing.

I'm so confused by all of this. How my body feels versus natural tendencies. I'm not myself anymore. I'm this bitter, hateful, spastic, a-sexual person who wants to hide in a hole like a hermit crab. It's taking all my will power to work and be somewhat social. I dont' even like people anymore. This is not me. God help me, I think I need a psych eval.

PS. (while I'm complaining for the day) I'm fighting a migraine and my new PNV are making me nauseated. If this gets any more Fun I'll have to join the circus. *rolls eyes*

So much for thinking.

So, as I lay in bed after mind numbing, toe curling, foot cramping, entire body a puddle of goo sex, I thought "WOW, that was excellent, I'm going to sleep like a babe tonight." That's what I get for trying to think after a nuclear experience. I didn't sleep HARDLY a WINK. Not that DH didn't do his job (and do it extremely well) and not that I wasn't completely exhausted and satisfied. I just couldn't sleep.

In addition, the storm that came through at 2:30am that rocked the house and our power go out for a short period of time kept me awake. My poor dog who is terrified of storms was clawing the bed (she's too old and fat to get in the bed) and when I got up to set the travel clock alarm she was under my feet. If this dog could have crawled up my butt she would have. I felt bad for her. Once the puppy heard me moving around he started whining and barking in his crate. The cat decided it must be playtime since I was up and decided to irritate me. I was not a happy camper this morning.

So another day of being a Zombie at work. These sleepless nights, lack of three solid hours of sleep etc. are taking their toll on my chart. I REALLY dont' see the point of even charting but I can't stop. I want to. It's addictive. I'm continuing to have pain on the left side around the ovary which is bothering me. So far there isn't any pain with sex like when the cyst ruptured last month. No sign of fertile CM either. I still have some time but it's very hard for me to hang on to the positives this month. I know Rachel says to visualize everything. I'm trying...but I can't focus. I'm too tired. BOO.

Monday brings the Same

The same feelings of disillusion and mental exhuastion. I was hoping today, I would be out of my funk, and ready to conquer the world. I'm usually pretty elastic when it comes to being positive but then again, these depressions are not the normal me. I didn't snap out of it.

I did get some last night. It was more of a chore and that sucks. It also hurt which means my ovary is doing SOMETHING because it was identical to what happened/how it felt last month. I didn't O (as in ORGASM not ovulate) either. Which REALLY pisses me off because I get mine 95% of the time (one of the reasons I married this man, ha ha). After the week I have had, and the crap I am putting my body through, I damn sure deserve atleast a small orgasm for my troubles. That whole, "as long as my man is satisfied, I'm happy" line? Yea, that's complete and utter BULLSHIT. I am not one to lay and cuddle and stroke him as he lays there like a cat after creme, all smug and satisfied. Nope, I by golly, better be a quivering puddle of goo afterwards or I will be pissed. Obviously, last night I was pissed. Just not at him, because it wasn't his fault. It's my stupid body.

It's retalliating against me. I'm forcing a drug induced function upon it and it hates me. Therefore it takes the one thing I'm really good at away from me. "Sure, bitch, you can force me to try and have a baby, but you damn sure aren't going to enjoy it. How do you like me now?" Dear Body, I don't like you AT ALL. Not one little bit. I hate you.

I also hate, what this is doing to me, and who it is making me become. I don't like the thug version of myself and I feel these angry tentacles of meaness creeping up to spew forth and its choking me. I'm going to end up unloading on someone over the smallest little thing and I won't like myself for that either. I need to be locked up and recieve conjugal visits until this deal is done or seriously not do it. 50mg was manageable. 100mg is making me a raving bitchy lunatic. I can not even fathom what 150 mg will do to me. I really really can't grasp the thought of doing this another month. Really.

Rumplestiltskin, Where Art Thou?

How am I supposed to chart when I can’t sleep? My chart is craptastic this month due to waking up early, lack of sleep, restless sleep etc. Furthermore, how am I supposed to continue to FUNCTION without sleep? Last night was the fourth night in a row I didn’t sleep well. Actually, last night was the WORST. Not only did I start off the night not being able to get comfortable with a backache, but I had full blown hot flash and night sweat. It was so bad that I went to the sofa. (Again, I know I have two other beds in the house, but the sofa was convenient for me).

After hours of restlessness, I finally got up at the first evidence of the sky lighting up. The Dawn is a beautiful but lonely time. In the spring and summer when I am up at Dawn, standing outside breathing in the fragrant air (and pollen), with distant house lights twinkling on randomly, my dogs running through the grass, my cat wrapped around my ankle, I always have the most contented feeling of pure peace. I’m alone with the world, alone with Mother Nature and God. There is no noise, no rude people, just the sounds of the earth I enjoy. Today, that was the only rest for my battered soul, as sleep never came to me during the dark hours of night. Dawn was my rest, the gentle hand that cleared my head like brushing away the glistening webs with morning dew.

Dawn is also a quick lover, and has since vanished in the brightening sun. My fatigue has returned, my confidence is ebbing., and I have a long day ahead of me. The mix of Clomid and the high levels of stress due to two jobs has really taken a toll on me this week. It is like a physical blow just trying to keep my mind on task. I find myself wondering in a strange places in my own head, only to mentally whimper when I’m snapped back to reality by a difficult task or question. My brain checked out wholly about two days ago, and I am simply riding a wave of pure emotion with occasional bursts of coffee induced adrenaline.

This must be what a drug addict feels like. Being trapped in a body that will only respond to various drug induced commands. My two drugs of choice: Clomid and Caffeine. Not the best mix I’m sure. I know I only have 2-4 more months of Clomid anyway before I have to stop and go see the RE, but at this moment, I’m not sure I can make it through THIS month much less commit to another one when this one doesn’t work. Seriously is there any point? If I ovulate, it doesn’t do me much good, when my body is so whacked out I can’t tell and I’m too tired to have sex anyway.

Poor DH, tried to initiate last night, but at 11 pm, lights off, full blown exhaustion, I was not cooperating AT ALL. I’m not even going to pretend I tried. Now really, how am I supposed to get pregnant when I don’t even want my DH to touch me! All I want, is to find a dark hole and crawl into it. I want to shut the world out and sleep for a month. Maybe Rumplestiltskin will join me and grant me a child without all this emotional drug induced drama.

Round 2 Insanity

The second round of Clomid is not proving to be any friendlier than the first. Once it was all said and done, it was not that bad looking back on the first round. However, living through it, you tend to forget that. So far, I've completely lost my effing mind. I FORGOT to take my Clomid night before last. Yesterday, in a panic, I googled dosing and found that you should take a missed dose immediately or at minimum WITH your next dose. So as it was my LAST dose of the month, I took it last night.

Last night, I not only enjoyed the first wave of night sweats but I also received the gift of constipation. I'm sure you are asking yourself, how that could possibly be derived from Clomid. Aside from the fact that I've already admitted to brain issues, I have not been constipated since 1999 (gallbladder removed). Let me tell you, it sucked. Going to bed with the bloated, knotted, pain in the abdomen. That feeling that you want to push but it wasn't quite ready to be expelled from your body (grossed out yet?). MISERABLE. Followed by waking up in the A.M. to sweaty cold chills and a purring cat draped across my face causing my FACE and NECK to sweat as well. Pleasant. There was also, no WAY I was going back to sleep as I had to pee worse than a three dicked dinosaur during a glacier raid.

So there I was, 5:30a.m. taking my temperature an HOUR early, slumped over the kitchen counter, pleading with the coffee pot to hurry up. A half a pot of coffee later I had done two loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, taken the dogs out, fed the animals, made lunch, made DH breakfast in bed (bacon and eggs), finally used the bathroom (RELIEF, BLESSED RELIEF), read some of my book annnnnnddddddd fallen asleep across the bed, coffee IN HAND, morning news blaring as DH took a shower. ODE to the sad and pathetic version of myself. Joy to the next week and a half of Clomid side effects.

An Exhausted Wishlist

My workload has exploded. I'm tired. There is too much to do and the pressure is slowly driving me insane. I'm exhausted.

I hear that first tri is supposed to wear you out? Due to the compounding forces in my life at the moment, I'm seriously wondering if we were to conceive at this time, if I would make it out of First Tri alive (or atleast with a job that I don't get fired from for falling asleep.)

Placenta head? I'm not pregnant and I forgot my last Clomid pill last night because of Exhaustion Over-worked head. Do I take it tonight? CRAP. I feel like an idiot calling my dr. on this one.

I need sleep and a secretary, maid, and personal assitant. (While I'm dreaming throw in a landscaper, pool boy, personal chef, personal trainer and stable boy).

Clomid-Round 2

Picked up my Clomid prescription last night, so here we go again. This time around its double dose of 100mg. I am not looking forward to the night sweats etc. again but am hoping this time it works. First Dose technically worked but I'm not sure why we didn't get pregnant. Possibilities are endless but I'm trying to regain my positive attitude. Overall this has been a hard long week.

Corporate functions/meetings, death of a friend, raging AF, Clomid. I'm WORN out and I only have ONE day before it starts all over again! Right now I just want to tear my hair out. There is NOT enough time to do everything. Saturday, my one day off, I can't stop, I can't sit down, I can't rest. There is no Rest for the Weary. Lord, how I have learned that as truth. Somehow I have to find the strength, on less than normal sleep (as we will be out late tonight-planning to visit Vicki et al), to push mow/trim the yard, put up a fence for the horses, finish cleaning out the garden, plant the garden, mulch the garden, fix the pool fence and start cleaning out the pool, de-weed the flowerbeds, clean off the deck, clean the house, and the list goes on.

THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY to get it all done. Even with DH helping me by weedeating, fixing the garden boxes, hauling the compost, etc. it can not possibly get done. We need help but can't afford to pay anyone. I really thought we could handle this property/house, but I guess I was wrong. Between the crabgrass, poison ivy, locust trees, roots and weeds our workload is ten times harder then it ever had to be and just when I get a handle on ONE area, another one has gone under. Garden/horses AND pool are too much without laborers, especially when I'm working two jobs. I know our money situation was worse when I had the one job where I was working from home most of the time but man the house and land was cared for. I think that is the only way it is possible to take it all in is if Real Estate Picks back up or he finds a job that makes enough I COULD stay home. Which scratch that last one. DH does not do well being the sole supporter of the family. He's much happier and our relationship is much better (not that its ever been BAD persay) when I'm bringing home money so I know I will never be a SAHM or SAHW unless we win the lottery, which we don't play, so back to square one STILL.

Anyone want to come clean my pool or weed my flowerbeds for me? PUHLEASSEEEEE. I have no money, but I'll beg and grovel and make you a fantastic meal. ::sniffles:: PWEASE? ::tear::