Monday brings the Same

The same feelings of disillusion and mental exhuastion. I was hoping today, I would be out of my funk, and ready to conquer the world. I'm usually pretty elastic when it comes to being positive but then again, these depressions are not the normal me. I didn't snap out of it.

I did get some last night. It was more of a chore and that sucks. It also hurt which means my ovary is doing SOMETHING because it was identical to what happened/how it felt last month. I didn't O (as in ORGASM not ovulate) either. Which REALLY pisses me off because I get mine 95% of the time (one of the reasons I married this man, ha ha). After the week I have had, and the crap I am putting my body through, I damn sure deserve atleast a small orgasm for my troubles. That whole, "as long as my man is satisfied, I'm happy" line? Yea, that's complete and utter BULLSHIT. I am not one to lay and cuddle and stroke him as he lays there like a cat after creme, all smug and satisfied. Nope, I by golly, better be a quivering puddle of goo afterwards or I will be pissed. Obviously, last night I was pissed. Just not at him, because it wasn't his fault. It's my stupid body.

It's retalliating against me. I'm forcing a drug induced function upon it and it hates me. Therefore it takes the one thing I'm really good at away from me. "Sure, bitch, you can force me to try and have a baby, but you damn sure aren't going to enjoy it. How do you like me now?" Dear Body, I don't like you AT ALL. Not one little bit. I hate you.

I also hate, what this is doing to me, and who it is making me become. I don't like the thug version of myself and I feel these angry tentacles of meaness creeping up to spew forth and its choking me. I'm going to end up unloading on someone over the smallest little thing and I won't like myself for that either. I need to be locked up and recieve conjugal visits until this deal is done or seriously not do it. 50mg was manageable. 100mg is making me a raving bitchy lunatic. I can not even fathom what 150 mg will do to me. I really really can't grasp the thought of doing this another month. Really.