I don't want to blog because I'm in a bad state right now and I'm tired of reading and writing about my bad mental places and then my happy days. This whole week has been nothing but stress, limbo, and flip flopping. Last night was a big pile of shit that is probably trivial to most people but just added another layer to my shitastic cake (if my life were a cake it would be layers of mud, fat frosting, shit, fat frosting, crap, fat frosting...you get the picture). Okay, so really its not that bad, but I'm just so tired of every little thing that goes wrong, I immediately say "Last straw, I'm not continuing TTC, IF drugs, I'm done."
Then thirty minutes later, "If I were to get pregnant next month its not like this situation won't be resolved by then anyway". I'm SOOO tired of the pressure and the flip flopping. I never knew how much PRESSURE it was and I do NOT like to FAIL at anything, and I feel like one giant FAILURE and it is pissing me the EF off. Month after month, year after year, I FAIL. I'm sick and FUCKING tired of it.
So what is the latest item on my freak out list? My car spazzed out yesterday on the way home, in rush hour traffic, in a thunderstorm that was flooding the roads and making it hard to see the end of my hood. What did it do? When I push the clutch to change gears and/or brake...my engine would rev up and red line like it was going to blow up. THE ENTIRE WAY HOME. It scared me to death. I called every mechanic I knew: my neighbor/cousin, BFF's husband, and both BIL's (yes, they are ALL mechanics). They all agreed on what it may be. My cousin stopped by this morning and messed with the throttle body which helped but didn't fix it all the way. One of the guys here at works is going to take apart the throttle body after work and clean it and see what that does. Bless my Husbands heart but he doesn't mess with cars. The man can wire up a missile to attack a foreign country, but he won't mess with an American Vehicle. *sigh*.
Not a problem that really warrants stopping TTC but just another stressful annoyance and money sucking issue that makes me spaz out myself. I'm tired of the roller coaster. Can I please get off now. I just want to settle down with a working budget and a baby...is that too much to ask? I don't think so.