Thursday, April 30, 2009

Blog Award!

YAY! Little Ole ME got a blog award! (which is a glorified blog chain letter! LOL) I love it anyway. Thank you ISHA! Smooches.
"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"

May I choose people who have already recieved the award?? Okay, as is my perogative, I deem the following blogs worthy of a Zombie Chicken Award:


NoOne Told Me That TTC Would Suck Hardcore

Taking It One Step at A Time

Cotton Socks

CRAZY. I WAS CRAZY ONCE ( I love your recipes!)

Congratulations and may the force of the Zombie Chicken be with you!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Round 2 Insanity

The second round of Clomid is not proving to be any friendlier than the first. Once it was all said and done, it was not that bad looking back on the first round. However, living through it, you tend to forget that. So far, I've completely lost my effing mind. I FORGOT to take my Clomid night before last. Yesterday, in a panic, I googled dosing and found that you should take a missed dose immediately or at minimum WITH your next dose. So as it was my LAST dose of the month, I took it last night.

Last night, I not only enjoyed the first wave of night sweats but I also received the gift of constipation. I'm sure you are asking yourself, how that could possibly be derived from Clomid. Aside from the fact that I've already admitted to brain issues, I have not been constipated since 1999 (gallbladder removed). Let me tell you, it sucked. Going to bed with the bloated, knotted, pain in the abdomen. That feeling that you want to push but it wasn't quite ready to be expelled from your body (grossed out yet?). MISERABLE. Followed by waking up in the A.M. to sweaty cold chills and a purring cat draped across my face causing my FACE and NECK to sweat as well. Pleasant. There was also, no WAY I was going back to sleep as I had to pee worse than a three dicked dinosaur during a glacier raid.

So there I was, 5:30a.m. taking my temperature an HOUR early, slumped over the kitchen counter, pleading with the coffee pot to hurry up. A half a pot of coffee later I had done two loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, taken the dogs out, fed the animals, made lunch, made DH breakfast in bed (bacon and eggs), finally used the bathroom (RELIEF, BLESSED RELIEF), read some of my book annnnnnddddddd fallen asleep across the bed, coffee IN HAND, morning news blaring as DH took a shower. ODE to the sad and pathetic version of myself. Joy to the next week and a half of Clomid side effects.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

An Exhausted Wishlist

My workload has exploded. I'm tired. There is too much to do and the pressure is slowly driving me insane. I'm exhausted.

I hear that first tri is supposed to wear you out? Due to the compounding forces in my life at the moment, I'm seriously wondering if we were to conceive at this time, if I would make it out of First Tri alive (or atleast with a job that I don't get fired from for falling asleep.)

Placenta head? I'm not pregnant and I forgot my last Clomid pill last night because of Exhaustion Over-worked head. Do I take it tonight? CRAP. I feel like an idiot calling my dr. on this one.

I need sleep and a secretary, maid, and personal assitant. (While I'm dreaming throw in a landscaper, pool boy, personal chef, personal trainer and stable boy).

Monday, April 27, 2009

Spring Allergies

I love spring, I hate the allergies. The lack of sleep, the puffy, swollen eyes, sore throat, stuffiness. UGH.

Not to mention that I am sitting at work trying not to throw up. I am positive this nausea is related to the allergies and can only imagine the slimy pollen bile that is sitting like a lump in my stomach just begging to travel back up my throat. Nice imagery huh? Just makes me really want to puke. Ofcourse now, I have the Lump Song stuck in my head.

"Lump sits alone in a boggy marsh, totally motionless except for her heart. Mud flows up through lumps pajamas....She's Lump, She's Lump, she's in my head. She's Lump, She's Lump, She might be dead."

This week is going to be crazy. I sold two houses yesterday so now I have to handle paperwork, inspections, closing schedules, mortgage issues on top of my full time job. DH also drained the pool half way down yesterday so we could scrub it and clean it before the rain comes in on Wednesday. WHOOPS. Now I have to work in the evenings so I'm not sure how all this will get done. On top of all that, towards the end of the week, we will be in sexathon mode, but we will be too exhausted to enjoy it. Ahh the joys of a stressful week and its only Monday.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

High Temps

Why are my temps starting out so high? I know I've been off on times this weekend, which is completely my fault, but seriously? UGH.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Yard-1, Me-0

Grocery Shopping-Check
Push mowing-Check

I can check those off even if the backyard isn't done right? Afterall, the part people SEE is done. DH and I trimmed for two hours. We only got the front yard done. The sun was blistering and I am completely out of shape. We are both exhausted. Definately glad I have the treadmill, exercise bike and soon the pool to help me get back in shape and stay in shape for baby.

Off to enjoy a Dijourno Pizza and a rental movie. Ahhh...this is the life.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Clomid-Round 2

Picked up my Clomid prescription last night, so here we go again. This time around its double dose of 100mg. I am not looking forward to the night sweats etc. again but am hoping this time it works. First Dose technically worked but I'm not sure why we didn't get pregnant. Possibilities are endless but I'm trying to regain my positive attitude. Overall this has been a hard long week.

Corporate functions/meetings, death of a friend, raging AF, Clomid. I'm WORN out and I only have ONE day before it starts all over again! Right now I just want to tear my hair out. There is NOT enough time to do everything. Saturday, my one day off, I can't stop, I can't sit down, I can't rest. There is no Rest for the Weary. Lord, how I have learned that as truth. Somehow I have to find the strength, on less than normal sleep (as we will be out late tonight-planning to visit Vicki et al), to push mow/trim the yard, put up a fence for the horses, finish cleaning out the garden, plant the garden, mulch the garden, fix the pool fence and start cleaning out the pool, de-weed the flowerbeds, clean off the deck, clean the house, and the list goes on.

THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY to get it all done. Even with DH helping me by weedeating, fixing the garden boxes, hauling the compost, etc. it can not possibly get done. We need help but can't afford to pay anyone. I really thought we could handle this property/house, but I guess I was wrong. Between the crabgrass, poison ivy, locust trees, roots and weeds our workload is ten times harder then it ever had to be and just when I get a handle on ONE area, another one has gone under. Garden/horses AND pool are too much without laborers, especially when I'm working two jobs. I know our money situation was worse when I had the one job where I was working from home most of the time but man the house and land was cared for. I think that is the only way it is possible to take it all in is if Real Estate Picks back up or he finds a job that makes enough I COULD stay home. Which scratch that last one. DH does not do well being the sole supporter of the family. He's much happier and our relationship is much better (not that its ever been BAD persay) when I'm bringing home money so I know I will never be a SAHM or SAHW unless we win the lottery, which we don't play, so back to square one STILL.

Anyone want to come clean my pool or weed my flowerbeds for me? PUHLEASSEEEEE. I have no money, but I'll beg and grovel and make you a fantastic meal. ::sniffles:: PWEASE? ::tear::

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Warrior Mother

DH and I attended Robbies Wake/Visitation last night. It was not as hard as I expected. I have this innate ability to lock things down in time of crisis, to put myself on hold for the sake of others. I don't control it or make a concious effort of it, it just happens when I see someone crying, upset, distraught, I go into automatic comforting mode. Robbie looked young again, the ravages of his pain and disease were gone and he was at peace lying in his final bed. How could I be sad for this vibrant man who had lived in so much pain and discomfort when I knew he was at peace and healed. I couldn't. This amazing sense of complete and utter stillness filled me and I was happy for him.

His family on the other hand, were devastated. His sister, bless her heart, was lost in a sea of tears the whole night. His wife, Vicki, was holding together amazingly well. She was on autopilot ofcourse, seeing to the details, struggling to hold back the tears and greet people and stay strong for all the kids. You could see it the way she rubbed one of their backs as they cuddled closer or how she rubbed her hand down her little boys hair as he passed by. She was the perfect image of a Mother. This amazing woman with 4 inche black stilletos tucked under her chair, stockinged feet stepping softly on carpet, red rimmed eyes, and a long black dress smiling and hugging people as they passed. She truly amazed me. In her grief and strength she was a goddess of motherhood and someone I can look up to.

I greeted those I knew, held his sister while she cried, hugged my friends as they struggled to be stronger for the sake of his family. I chatted in the sunshine outside with a group of old friends as we laughed about all the good times and crazy things we had done at Robbie's house and where everyone was now. We planned for the future, in the way he would have wanted us to. We discussed getting everyone back together for a reunion in his honor and trying to keep better lines of communication open to stay in touch. We passed around new phone numbers, a few tears, some comforting smiles and hugs (and all secretly wondered when we could go searching for that bottle of Jack Daniels that some one was bound to have stashed under the seat in their car.)

Through it all, the one thing I kept coming back to was Vicki. This woman showed me in a two hour period what it was to truly be a strong loving mother and wife. I grew up a little more last night in the shadow of death. I realized that I'm not only going to have to be this provider and nurturer but I'm going to have to put aside everything that I am sometimes and be a warrior, a lioness, a pillar of strength. Not just in times that cause for protection which we all expect. Every one of us knows that should something threaten our families we would kill to protect them. I have no problem with that. But we have to also put our grief and fear aside in times of pain and be the strong ones for our children. At this moment, I can not imagine the absolute pain and tragedy that would befall me if I lost my husband. I would be devastated beyond compare, but I know that WHEN we succeed in having children, I will be strong for them. I will be XENA, warrior mother, when I have to be. I have it in me. It does not diminish my desire in the least bit. It only makes it stronger to see a family, so loving, so full of life, being held together by that strongest of links: a true mother.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Earth Day

While Aunt Flo does her best to ravage my body today, I am taking the higher road to help her sister Mother Nature. Mother Nature is known by many names depending on your religious beliefs and societal background. Some people think of her simply as a living machine, a planet that hosts life, but other's see her more as the mother of life holding us all to her bosom, an entity of massive proportions. She is known by many names including but not limited to: Earth, Mother Nature, Gaia, Mother Earth, etc. Her images surround us via a photograph of a still lake, a child cuddling a small puppy, a fertility goddess from ancient eras. We see her best after the rain, when the world is sparkling and clean, the pollution cleaned from the air. We hear her sighs on the wind, her lusty cries through a new born babe, and her mourns in the haunting howls of a dog. We smell her scent in a spring flower and the freshly turned soil. We taste her wealth in a sun ripened tomato and tender green beans. She shares with us all that she is, just as we share and provide for our children. We are all hers. Whether she as an inanimate object was created by God, or whether life was breathed into her by a gaseous explosian, does not matter. She, the provider or life, the spirit of earth,inanimately or real, exists. She exists.

It is a pop culture movement to preserve the Earth and reverse the damages done by our generation and the generations before us. In the past century our strides in technology and advancement in science have wreaked havoc upon our planet. Each generation has a segment of society that pleads Earth's cause but this time around, they have made great efforts to change the minds of the masses. Our new badge of success is driving a hybrid car and eating organic foods. Starbucks are being replaced by Whole Food Stores and California pizza shops. While some people are attendant to the movement only for the status symbol it affords them atleast they are making less of a mark on the planet's surface.

Preserving life, preserving Earth and the spirit of Mother Nature is not a status symbol or a popular cultural item. Unlike Disco, the movement will not just end with a memory of go go boots and a fondness for black lights. Our children will not find a box in the attic with Recycling stickers and think, "our parents were so wierd with their hybrid cars". We are destroying that which keeps us living. Every thing we have, everything we do is related to the earth. This magnificent unimaginably fragile machine of nature that provides life and reclaims us in death.

No matter what your feelings towards political party affiliations, the pressures of celebrity icons, and the fragility of our existence period, your decisions today will still be here in 100 years even after you as an individual are gone. What we leave behind us, is what our children have to live with. That is the biggest problem I have. I want to leave the world in a condition that my children will not suffer, and that they will not worry about what they will be leaving their children. My native American ancestors knew their relationship to the earth and the fragility of what Gaia could give and take away. The hippies of my parent's generation knew that we were on a downward slope if we did not slow down. Yes, they learned this through sex, pot, and Rock and Roll but they knew deeep down a great cause when they acidicly tripped over one.

So today, Earth day, I will not preach to you about recycling, going green and pollution. You already know it. I will leave you with this: Make a concious effort to leave this world a better place for the sake of our children.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

R.I.P. Sweet Robbie.

I learned last night that a dear friend of ours passed away. Robbie was not just a friend but he was the heart and soul of our group of friends back in the day that DH and I met. For those of you who do not know, DH and I met online in a chat room. This particular chat room was very active IRL and always had get together's hosted by Robbie at his home. He was one of the friendliest people I have ever met and he always believed in the good in people. He was talented on the computer and a true friend. No one minded driving all over the state to go to Robbie's house as Robbie was in a wheelchair due to MS. I started hanging out with Robbie, his new girlfriend Vicki et al. about five years ago or so. DH was regular member of the chat room who I spoke to several times and we became online friends.
Robbie's big Halloween party was coming up so since DH did not live far from me we decided to meet up and drive down together. He had met and partied with several of them IRL as well as I had but HE and I had never officially met. We met, the rest is history. The first night we met we stayed up talking all night long and were together ever since. A successful romance originating from online friendly flirtations. We spent many nights, days, parties with Robbie and Vicki who were married only a few months after DH and I.
You will never meet a nicer, warmer, more sincere person than Robbie. Despite his disability, his limitations etc. he believed in people and helped anyone any way he could. My heart not only breaks that such a good man was broken and persevered only to be taken at such a young age, but my heart breaks for Vicki who found the love of her life for such a short period of time, and for their children who joined to become one family.
DH and I will be leaving work early tomorrow to make the trip for the wake and to be with our friends who have all come back together to celebrate Robbie's life and mourn his passing, to support Vicki and Robbie's family who we all loved. This will be one of the hardest wakes I have ever had to attend and I am fully prepared to be a crying blubbering mess.
Times like this only reaffirms my desire to be a parent. To take what DH and I have together and share our love and compassion with a child. To teach our child to be loving and compassionate and to have inner strength as sweet Robbie did. To look for the beauty and good in others in a this crazy world.
So while I have these crazy cramps, bloodclots and am fully miserable at work today, I've already steeled myself for the next round of Clomid. I will do this. I will have my baby in my arms and will remember the good people who helped make it possible. I will do everything in my power to show my child the good and love of the world so that he or she may grow up to make their mark on the lives of others.
Robbie/Eagle, I know you are in heaven, and I know you have no more pain and are at peace. We love you and will always miss you.
~Buckin and Raven

Monday, April 20, 2009

It's Over.

My temp dropped below the line this morning. My downward rush finally put me out of my misery. My positive attitude last week was out the window this weekend. Friday night I just KNEW it was over and it is. Atleast I don't have to wonder anymore. I did learn several things this cycle though, and I will take those positives away from this experience into the next time this happens.

1) I can ovulate and have a nice normal looking chart on a minimum dose of Clomid.
2) I am not immune to the phantom symtoms and other such "nonsense" that the "idiots" are always blathering about.
3) Hope and heartache go hand in hand
4) Complacency and acceptance of your shortfalls turn you on your ear when hope becomes possibility.
5) Friends are priceless including the "creepy internet" ones.
6) DH is supportive and even though he jokes away his feelings he was hopeful too. He was disappointed this morning as well as Saturday when we tested.
7) I'm not as strong and complacent as I thought I was.
8) I can have sore boobs, nausea and breakouts before AF like the rest of the world with the right hormones coursing through my body. (which totally sucksass)

If it first you don't succeed, try try again. This may have been our last hope of a 2009 baby (and I was actually getting excited for a Christmas baby), but maybe the promise of 2010 will be our golden ticket to the land of parenthood.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

aaaaannnnndddd I made it

Through this day that is. I actually had the laundry and dishes started and all the errands done by 1. DH helped me bring in the groceries and he loaded the pressure washer and lawnmower in the truck while I put them away and we were on the road before 2 and back home by 5:30ish. I've since done more laundry, more dishes and come up with an idea for a project. Will let you know how it works once its done. I'm still tweaking in my head.

If I can talk DH into steam cleaning the livingroom carpet while I do dinner and then get off this darn foot, I will be a fairly happy camper considering the start of my day. Thank goodness. I need a decent note to end the day on.

PS. Rachel dear, I expect you to be up and chatting bright and early in the am. I have projects for you as well. MWUHAHAHAHA

Wrong Side of the Bed

I woke up extremely pissed off this morning. DH kept me up last night by watching a movie in bed. He was trying to cuddle but I was exhausted. This morning, I wake up to his dog yapping to get out of his crate and DH refuses to get up. I know he hears him. How can you not fucking hear those high pitched barks. It's always "his" dog or "his" bird with the high pitched barks and screeches that wakes me up on the weekend. Since we got those two creatures last fall, I have not slept in, not once.

So I get up, take my temperature, its above the coverline but its in a downward drive. Depressing. I take the dogs out, do the dishes, get the laundry going, look at my nasty ass house and realize I need to clone myself like in Multiplicity with Michael Keaton. No wonder I feel so old, I'm always tired and never done!

Oh yes, and my ankle, that I have no idea what happened to? Is swollen and I can hardly walk on it today. So I'm hobbling and I have to look forward to driving a straightdrive truck with a hard clutch with this foot all day today.

Buckin, my dear, why not let DH drive that truck back to your Dad in the mountains and you drive the SUV? Ah yes, because my Darling Husband can't drive a straight drive. He can drive a 7 ton down at the beach or the Afghan minefield but heaven forbid he have to stop an average straight drive on a slope in the North Carolina foothills. It is a situation that is best avoided in a vehicle that we don't own and costs more then both of our cars put together. The payments on this bad boy are more then my mortgage so I'll drive it back hurt foot and all. Flatlanders, I swear.

The best thing for me to do, is to just get dressed, go to the office, do the paperwork, and head to the mountains and get all this done and behind me so I can put my foot up this afternoon. Unfortunately, I can't budge DH from the bed, and he has to follow me so I can get home. This is just the icing on my suckyass weekend cake.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Consolation Prize

DH actually got up early this morning. Not just early for him but like Early period: 7:30am. He even went to yardsales with me to get my mind off the BFN. We hit two in particular that advertised on Craigs list with treadmills of which I have been on the hunt for 2 months. I keep JUST missing a good deal. I had 300.00 earmarked for one because of all the ones we have been pricing out we seem to be finding them between 2-500.00 so 300.00 was the budget for one. (DH kept wanting to go higher). I love to walk and have wanted one for a LONG time to help me control the weight but I don't need a big new fancy one. We've done our research and getting a decent used one for this price didn't seem to be a problem except every time we made it to the Play It Again Sports or to Craigs List, the item had JUST SOLD. Fuckers.
After a VERY disappointing morning we went to eat breakfast with friends and stumbled across a little Used Sporting Goods store in a little Podunk town that I NEVER go to. Walked in and there was THE treadmill. The big mamba jamba that was one of the fancier versions (two year old model) that DH had been wanting to get. Now we aren't talking HIGH END here but just a better quality then the average economic ones you can find on craigslist in abundance. It's a NordicTrac with IFit capability, IPod hook ups, this that, blah blah blah. New Price (because we just priced one like it at Sears: $1500.00 or so). Used price: $450.00 plus tax. What I paid total: $385.00
Did I mention I can negotiate pretty well? I'm my father's daughter. So we bought it, brought it home. I used it for 20 minutes due to the little incident of loading the darn thing where I bashed my knee into the trailer hitch and ripped my jeans, cut my leg and somehow in the process twisted my ankle a bit. Don't ask me how I did that. Anyway.
We also found some beautiful small azalea bushes in the same town and a dog crate for our Doxie. So while this morning sucked, this afternoon wasn't bad. I got to weed one of my flowerbeds and plant beautiful bushes, use my new-to-me treadmill, and relax a bit. Tomorrow will be working (have to submit an offer on a house, fingers crossed, I need the money), return my Dad's truck and clean the house.
Another Saturday, GONE. There is never enough time to get what I need to done, but there's always too much time at work. I really need a 3-4 day work week and a 3-4 day weekend. Would be so much better.


What a crappy start to my morning. I know its possibly too early..but that was an instantaneous BFN with no possibility of a faint line whatsoever. I can honestly say I'm upset about it.

I've had to take very few tests in the past year but each one of them was a let down even when I KNEW it was negative (like the one they make you take before you start progesterone from a long period).

Due to temps etc. and hope in general, this BFN was a punch to the gut. It fuckin sucks. I'll wait and see what happens temp wise etc. Fortunately, I have a Dr.'s appt in a week so I can verify through bloodwork everything and see whats going on. The last few days were long..this week is going to SUCKASS.

Friday, April 17, 2009


The one thing I said I would never want to do was saddle my child with a Christmas birthday. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone involved. Then comes two years of TTC and I was not about to wait ANOTHER CYCLE to try, and bet on it not working the first cycle anyway, but KNEW if it did I would have an EDD in December.

For the hell of it I just ran my EDD if I am pregnant because I was thinking I might be pushing January. Guess what? 12/25/2009 YEP. Karma is a bitch but I'll take it! At this point, I will happily spend all day christmas day in the Hospital because that would be the ultimate christmas present. I still had to post because Irony does not even come close to what I think about that particular gem of information.

BTW: nausea has resurfaced today but not as bad as yesterday. Only a few dry heaves but I'm sticking with mild white pasta and bread so far. Now what's coming out the OTHER end is much worse I think. Glad I shared huh? I thought so! *sticks tongue out*


Feeling a little better this morning. I never could really keep anything down yesterday except bread and some bland pasta (wonderful, just what I need, carbs). Once I went to bed the nausea eased off (after a few battles with it once I went horizontal). This morning is not so bleak but I'm starting to feel it creeping back up, gag. I don't even think I will get through my morning coffee that I desperately need.

I am feeling more positive this morning though, despite of or because of the nausea, I'm not sure. My temp held steady with a small rise and did not continue to decline so that helps too. I have to show houses tonight after work so I'm hoping to have time to run by a drug store and pick up some tests for in the morning. Otherwise it may be Sunday. I still feel like it may be too early to test but I don't know if my Darling Pee Pushers/Bestie Nesties can hold out much longer ( I LOVE YOU GIRLS!).

Yes, someone voted that I had lost my mind on my poll, oh wait, that would be ME, because thats how I roll. LOL

Thursday, April 16, 2009

New Symptom?

Before lunch I was feeling exhausted like you wouldn't believe. Then I felt nauseated. I just threw up the tiny bit of lunch I managed to choke down.

If this isn't pregnancy I am going to be PISSED.

If this is pregnancy and its this bad at 9 days, please knock my ass out and wake me up in Second Tri.

Furthermore if this is the early onset of pregnancy, I'm in trouble. My office mates (all 4 men) work elbow to elbow with me..not even cubicle walls to seperate us (our desks are just bumped up together). There is NO WAY I'm going to be able to keep constant nausea and upchucking hidden from them which means I won't be able to hide pregnancy. I was hoping to hold out long enough for them to lift the hiring freeze so I could get off this contract. Otherwise, I'm screwed on the job angle for sure. Starting a new job (if I could find one) with this type of bathroom running etc. will also be impossible. Effin fabulous.

::trying to hold out till Saturday to test.

Mood to Improve

No, mine hasn't. I do not know what is wrong with me AT ALL. I slept GREAT last night. I didn't get up to pee but once which in the past few days is a major accomplishment. Yet, today I feel exhausted. I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep. Oh Buckin, take a nap when you get home...GREAT IDEA! Except I have to leave my 8-5 job to go to my PITA commission-based-Real-Estate-I-am-starting-to-hate-you job. Joy. By the time I get home it will be 7:30ish and I will have to cook something to eat and do dishes and laundry and BOO.

Breathe:: tomorrow is Friday. I can't muster up the energy to be happy about this at the moment. Mood swing much from yesterday? Jeesh.

Temp Drop

Yesterday I was so upbeat and positive. Today I feel like crap. I actually felt it even while the thermometer was in my mouth: negativity creaping up on me telling me it's not real this time. Then the temp drop. I know its not "over" because it is still above the coverline but I just woke up today feeling depressed. Maybe insanity really kicked in but this depressing crap needs to end.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Cyst spike

So reading through my books tonight I learned that your chart can give you a false impression of pregnancy if you have cysts. I can't remember the jargon but given that I had a cyst rupture at time of ovulation and now have the promising chart, I'm not so positive anymore. BOO Hiss.


An ex-coworker of mine claimed that she felt pregnant from the moment she had sex, because she felt different. I’m not going to call her a liar to her face (and she will never read this) because she really is a sweet little old lady and time has undoubtedly dimmed her recall ability. I’m pretty sure it is impossible physically to feel that different before the sperm has even had time to find the egg and every book I have read has backed me up. MENTALLY it is an entirely different story though.

Our brains are an amazing muscle with firing neurons, electrons etc. We barely even tap into the potential of our brains. So I do not doubt the possibility of someone mentally psyching themselves up to believing they are pregnant before a BFP. This is true for those who know NOTHING about their bodies and those that have excellent looking charts for the first time. I have officially become excited and positive feeling about my chart. I had a lovely temperature boost today and my chart is “purdy.”

Do I feel different with this new positive outlook? No, of course not. Yes my boobs are sore and I’m extremely gassy (but so is my husband so it could be our diet). Yes, I’m tired but I always am (you try working two jobs and keeping up with a garden, horses, house etc.) I’ve actually had little bursts of energy that are abnormal but that too can be because of diet/lifestyle etc. and overall feel really good right now. A million things can be both contributed to pregnancy and proven not to be associated with pregnancy so there really are no early signs in my opinion and I have yet to prove otherwise via experience and I honestly doubt I ever will because its just too subjective a subject and everyone is different.

Am I pregnant? I don’t know. I’m 8 DPO and I personally think my chart looks excellent. I can’t believe I’m 8 DPO already. Where did the time go? I know people get BFP’s this early but I’m going to wait. I’m enjoying waiting. I do have a confession though: I’m feeling really positive and excited right now. My negativity is trying to kick in and say “ you are setting yourself up for disappointment” but my positivity (imagine the angel/devil on the shoulder scenario) is saying “I don’t care, I just know its real this time.”

Whether I’m doomed to disappointment, I don’t know. I’m chilling and enjoying the positive glow and the pretty chart and waiting patiently to test. I’ve probably completely lost my mind.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Early Symptoms of Insanity

This is hard for me to admit, but I think I owe some people an apology. If you have ever fished on BOTB and I have been rude, mean, or snarky to you during your 2WW, then I apologize. (This apology does not apply to people who come on with “clockwork” cycles, do not chart, do not know when they actually ovulate and are only going off the fact they are one day late-those people are still idiots and I refuse to apologize to you or for you.)

I never realized how difficult it would be to not analyze every little twinge, pain, pimple (and I have great skin so these are especially annoying-especially the two extremely sore mountains that have taken up residence on my chin) etc during the 2WW. All these signs that are signs of an oncoming visit from AF as well as pregnancy (even though its really too early to experience them as pregnancy signs), are amplified (if only in my head) during this waiting period. I stare at my temperatures/chart and wonder if these are signs of AF or signs of pregnancy because the signs are pretty much the same this early on. Signs that I’ve rarely paid attention to because I know I am an-ovulatory. This month though is different, because even the Dr. confirmed I ovulated. This information combined with “symptoms” and chart are driving me absolutely batty.

So every cramp becomes the possibility of a miracle in the ute. Every time I rub my breast (or more likely my DH tries to cop a feel) and it is tender or downright sore, my mind starts spinning. You can hear the gears grinding. I KNOW I’m being silly because there is no way to know until I POAS, but you really can’t help it. No matter how many times I roll my eyes at myself (and yes, I badger myself the same that I would badger any of you) I still can’t help it. So in retrospect, I’m thinking I may have been a little brash towards people going through the same thing. (I don’t think so, as I am usually very supportive as long as you speak intelligently about your body and know a little something more than your periods are clockwork but just in case).

Who knows, maybe I was bitterer (I can’t believe that is an actual word it looks so odd) then I even thought and because I had never experienced the 2WW assumed you would be more intelligent over it. I REALIZE the symptoms are the same and that they are probably not as noticeable as I think they are but we can’t control our subconscious and it is what it is. I admit that I’m silly and thinking the same way countless others do. Will I take it any further then acknowledging it on a blog? Nope. I’m silly not stupid.

So I sit here, another day down, wondering if AF is going to show up soon or if I’m going to get to continue waiting for another week to POAS. The only sticks I’ve peed on are OPK’s so I really do want to POAS. I just hope its for a good reason.

So for shits and giggles here are my symptoms:
1) slight pain still in left ovary area (most likely associated with ruptured cyst)
2) twinges of pain in middle of abdomen (I’m guessing gas or I will be taking a shat soon ;)
3) tender breasts (maybe DH has been playing with them too much lately)
4) pimples (extremely sore ones and several all over my face)
5) tired (I’m always tired though)
6) peeing constantly (maybe it’s the recent intake of more water then normal)
7) poop is not its normal consistency (wtf this has to do with anything I don’t really know but who doesn’t love a good poop reference?)

Yep..that’s it…told you it was all silly but good for a laugh!!

Monday, April 13, 2009


My vacation is over and now I don't have another day off to look forward to? Is my life this boring of a merry go round? I guess so. It's another RAINY monday! It's ALWAYS monday and ALWAYS raining it seems like. Weekends fly too quickly. How lame am I to attempt to talk about something other than charts and temps and end up discussing the weather on a monday? REALLY??!! I'm annoying myself, so don't worry, its not just you!!

EVERYTHING seems overly lame to me today. I'm not looking forward to my boss being back tomorrow either because it always seems the phones explode and my work load triples when he comes back and my work load is bad enough as is. Atleast being busy makes the days go by quicker!!

Nothing new with chart and/or body except some low cramping to the left around the ovary that had the ruptured cyst and low back behind said ovary. Not bad pains, barely noticeably just twinges when I move certain ways so I'm sure nothing to worry about. A little gassy and I'm breaking out with small bumps everywhere but its the change of season so it could be that. I think its too early for an AF break out but I won't rule it out. Another boring monday..another boring post. I promise towards the end of the week I will have thought of SOMETHING a little more intelligent then this brain-dead drivel.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Holy Cow

Welcome to the next few weeks of freaking out on my part until AF comes. Please understand I am not fishing or implying. I'm just freaking excited. It has been TWO years of TTC. In those two years I have not had any signs of ovulation, fertile CM, and since I've been charting have not had cross hairs, thermal shift etc. This chart is completely new to me and every morning that I get another high temp and those crosshairs remain there, I breathe a sigh of relief as well as get a little more nervous. HOLY COW could I finally be pregnant? Did it finally work? Could it really be that simple that one low dose round of clomid could work? All the stress and that's all it took really?

Then there is the other side. We become so complacent that it is never going to happen that even our hope becomes complacent. We haven't thought about all the changes that will happen in so long because they seemed so distant that along with this excitement is FREAK OUT time. OMG, what did we do? Are we really ready for this? The answers are ofcourse yes. I want to be a mom. I want to share childish giggles, new adventures, a wonderous world through the eyes of my child. HOLY COW though!!

I've watched girls on BOTB go through the 2WW and I know its difficult and I was prepared for it to be difficult but I NEVER expected it to be this pins and needles, emotional ups and downs, stressful difficult. The mornings are the worst. That whole morning temp nervousness then excitement, then STARING at my chart thing is crazy. During the day is fine. I go about my business, no big deal. The evening it creeps back in my head and I'm more day down, I have to temp in the morning! It is definately a new experience for me. I know I don't have a huge chance of getting the BFP this month due to first month of Clomid, anovulatory past cycles, rupturing of cyst and the not absolutely believing I really did O and/or that we timed it right, BUT it is still an entirely new experience for me.

I hope I don't run all my readers away over the next week or so because of my consant rambling about every dip, increase etc in my temp/chart!! I will try to think of a few good things to talk about other than my temp! LOL

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Drink Till It's Pink

Last night, we had a small birthday party for me and a coworker. He brought his girlfriend over to meet us, another coworker came by, and one of my friends stopped by for a bit with her daughter as it was her birthday as well. I AM SO EXHAUSTED! I have had three days off this week. All three days I ended up getting up at the normal time so that I could do various things.

Wednesday I was in a lot of pain and only managed to do laundry and dishes etc. and spent the majority of the afternoon in the Dr.'s office figuring out the cyst thing. Thursday I was out the door bright and early to drive to the mountains and pick up my father. He enjoyed coming down here and even helped me plant some garden. I spent all day out in the garden planting lettuce, cabbage, and tomato. As I took him home, I showed two houses to a client. Thursday was a very productive and tiring day. Friday, I woke up tired and slightly sore, and spent the entire day cleaning the house, running errands, cooking, etc. My feet were so sore and tired last night I could hardly enjoy the party.

My counter was covered in tons of food. As always I was worried I wouldn't have enough so I made way too much: Cheesy Chicken Cups, Pigs in a Blanket, Fresh Pineapple, Fresh Strawberries, Gourmet Olives, and German Chocolate Cupcakes. Everyone brought me alcohol for gifts so there was a flow of that as well: Mango Margaritas and Royal Flushes were the drinks of choice last night.

I drank. Mango Margaritas were my poison of the night. It was the first time I hadn't thought about my body, sex, CM and children in a long time. I just enjoyed the people, the food and the moment. About four drinks in, I finally stopped. I was feeling quite full and couldn't remember EATING that much so it had to be from the drinks, and I know you can drink till its pink but seriously you shouldn't exactly get shit faced. That is never good for you much less good for your body trying to produce a fetus.

There again, with or without the alcohol, late night etc. because I'm still not truly convinced I ovulated and that this thermal shift is real, I was scared of taking my temp this morning but there it is. Slight dip, but still well above the "cover line." Another day of disbelief and hope. Maybe I will feel a little more confident at the end of the first week if temps stay high. Who knows.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Just Stare, at my Crosshairs

Fertility Friend finally gave me crosshairs this morning. They are not solid, but they are crosshairs nonetheless. I am still in denial that I possibly ovulated. The pain in my ute finally eased up yesterday and is hardly noticeably now but as you can see from my chart I just couldn't face sex again through the pain the night before and I was too exhausted last night to try. Since it was really too late anyway if I had truly ovulated, I didn't see the point anyway.

So yesterday morning was disappointing when I had a slightly higher temp, and no crosshairs. Today, I was so nervous temping this morning, but when I saw a new higher temp I ran to the computer and filled in my temp, calling my husband back here to see our crosshairs that popped up. He didn't satisfy my excitement. I KNOW ITS EARLY, but I have never ovulated and had a nice climb of temperatures and crosshairs. I've never seen fertile quality CM as I did two days ago. It's all new and exciting to me. Will I be extremely dissappointed when this turns into a BFN or my temps drop and my crosshairs disappear? You bet I will.

As I said, I'm still struggling believing that I ovulated anyway. OPK's were always negative and my cervix never got really low. For now, I'm hoping and clinging to the new positive aspects that are steps in the right direction.

Stalk my Chart, tell me what you think!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Ruptured Cyst

Yes, you read the title right. The Clomid worked. It stimulated my ovaries (atleast the left one). After being subjected to a painful exam, a dildocam (THAT was a new experience!) and an external ultrasound that was very uncomfortable (pushing down caused pain), they concluded that while my ovary was trying to ovulate, one of the (large) cysts on it ruptured.

They are sure that I ovulated and released an egg though during that so maybe I had ovulation pain as well cyst pain. Who knows. I'm not sure if I believe I ovulated though. During the exam she used a small brush and pulled out a large portion of CM that was a textbook case of clear, slippery, and stretched for about 3 inches. I have NEVER seen my body produce such a miracle and to me, it was gorgeous and I was as giddy as a schoolgirl after seeing it. I have not seen a clear thermal shift nor crosshairs on my chart and all OPK's have been negative (line not digitals). Although looking at the nice upward momentum from the past four days, its making me wonder if possibly that is my shift. Take a gander if you please, link to the left.

The doctor thinks that if the egg is a good one that did not get "caught up" in the cyst explosion and debris (great so there is a war going on in my ute, no wonder it effin hurts), then our timing was great and it is a wait and see. We ofcourse should continue to have sex to cover our bases if I could stand the pain. I thought long and hard about it last night and as sore as I was, I just didn't think I had the strength to try, so we didn't. I have to believe that my husbands sperm will hold strong and get the job done as is this time around and hope that if we don't "catch" this month that NEXT month we will have more success with Clomid WITHOUT cysts bursting.

She made me a follow up appointment with my normal doctor for three weeks to give me time to start my period if it is going to happen.

I am so paranoid now. I'm giddy and excited, nervous and scared. It's more real and I am afraid to get my hopes up but I can't help doing so. I'm very afraid of the let down. I figured I could handle BFN's and letdowns after 2 years of defeat but now, I don't think it will be as easy as I once thought.

Dear Lord, Please let me accept easily the ways that come to pass and the path I am meant to follow. Let me accept your decisions as well as my own in all matters. Should you see fit to give us a child, I will accept it gratefully and care for it on your earth. Show me your will so that I may follow you faithfully in all things. Amen.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Off to see the Wizard

the wonderful Wizard of OB (GYN). Joy and rapture. The pain in my low ad/ute area has spread and is quite painful. It is not unbearable but I wouldn't want to live with it on a permanent basis either.

Last night, in an effort to solve the current mystery of my ute, DH and I decided to do some investigation. We found that while there wasn't much, I did have SLIPPERY CM and my cervix was lower then before but still firm and closed. OPK was negative. So we came to the agonizing decision of trying to have sex just in case this pain was possible ovulation related and my body was gearing up since a few signs were pointing to the possibility.

Can I just tell everyone that it was acutely ackward and extremely painful. Today the pain is still there and the bloating is holding tight to. I can not fathom that this is simply gas or poo pains as I have done both yesterday and today and the pain did not ebb. The pain is localized to the ute area and the fact that sex triggered it (or aggrivated it) and was painful both times leads me to the conclusion that this is indeed a ute issue versus intestinal. TMI right? YW :P

I called the Dr. this morning, gave the nurse the details and she agreed that I should come in for exam/ultrasound. It is unfortunately with the Dr. I am not too fond of as my regular is on call at the hospital today, but atleast it is something and I want to know what is going on! Why does EVERYTHING involving my body and uterus have to be THIS difficult?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


My husband tells me that any slight little stress I tend to latch on to and blow out of proportion. Apparently he is correct. Dear sweet Ohzy tells me that I dwell. Apparently she is correct as well. (As if I ever doubted either of them). Things that upset me or could possibly be bad, I latch onto and stress about them which according to every insightful magazine article, babybook and dr is not good for reproduction.

Thank goodness for vacation because after today there is no way I could make it not one more day. Sadly my work brain shut down at about 1pm and I've barely been going through the motions since.

Tuesday Decisions

I think I am going to take my vacation as is. I checked the weather for Monday and it is supposed to be rainy now while tomorrow will be chilly but dry. Either way, my gardening is not getting done so I think I would rather NOT bother my bossman with switching things around while he's at a conference in Denver. I will just deal with it. I figure I can atleast get my house clean for my birthday, maybe do a little baking. I was even contemplating going to get my father and getting him out of the house with his broken leg. However, that's an hour drive up and an hour drive back in the big monster Diesel sucking dually truck since he can't fit his big bulky cast and crutches in my little mustang convertible. I will think on this. I know he would really like to get away for awhile even if it is to come down and sit in my house while I clean. He would atleast get to chit chat with his brother and sister since they both live down my road. Oh joy what my birthday would be to attend a convention of the brutal older members of my family..sigh.

I love my family but they are older and set in their ways. My father is the youngest of six children and I am the youngest of 17 grandchildren on that side. My Dad has NEPHEWS as old as he is. Many of the Great Grandchildren are my age or Older then me. It's very hard to relate to them as I am in such a different stage in life and a different age bracket. Some members want to lump me in with the GREAT grandchildren because of my age, when in actuallity I should be sharing with my 1st cousins when it comes to group pictures at the reunions etc. See the conflict? To make it more difficult, I'm the youngest one that still lives out near the "homeplace." There are five houses on the road. Of those there is my uncle and his wife, my aunt, my 1st cousin and his wife and my other first cousin and his girlfriend. The two cousins are brothers and are children of my uncle that lives on the road. Not one of them is under 45 or 50. They have been married before, have children, pay child support. My aunt and uncle both have great grandchildren themselves. I help mow my aunts yard and do this and that but thank goodness I live on the end and don't have to deal with them too awfully much because they really don't understand what it is like to be a newly wed and not have ALL the equipment and vacation days etc that they have. Anyway, I digress, I wasn't intending to write about this and really don't know where I was going with it anyway. I will decide in the morning what to do about my Dad. It's not like he needs much notice to get off the sofa.

On to more pressing matters. What is going on with my stomach? Ready for TMI? Night before last during sex, it hurt like hell, which ofcourse made it very ackward. Afterwards, the pain continued for sometime making it difficult to sleep. It was this extremely wierd metallic pain in the low left of my abdomen. Yesterday it ached on and off. Today it has been quite excruciating and not located to a small area but spread across my low abdomen. I feel like if I just took a poo or something but I have done that..and it made the pain worse and it still hasn't gone away. In addition to the pain, the bloat today is horrid. This pain is different from cramping or anything else I have felt before and is lasting longer then the typical sex pains I'm used to.

I have checked my TCOYF book and all the possibilities in there are not comforting. I have had repeated issues with pain during sex but this is bad. I guess next trip to the Dr. will be to have scans done for cysts on the ovaries. I'm wondering if maybe the Clomid tried to make me ovulate but it just put another cyst or something on my left ovary which was being aggrivated during sex. Whatever it is, this shit hurts. I am starting to worry that my PCOS is further along then they want to think even though my hormone levels were good at the last blood test.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Monday Madness

Mondays are a PITA. I have said it before and I will probably say it multiple times in the future. Monday's are not only one of my busiest mornings at work of the week, but they are also the beginnings of long slow weeks. The weekends fly by and I never get accomplished what I need to. During the week I am too exhausted to accomplish everything that needs to be done and it is a vicious cycle.
This week, I was hoping for a pleasant two days at work and a nice long weekend since I am taking Wed-Fri off. However, I am unsure what to do at this point as the weather is supposed to be cruddy through my entire vacation which means I will NOT get my flowerbeds weeded as planned, my yard cleaned up as planned, my garden cleaned out/partially planted as planned, my porch dewinterized as planned, etc. I will be stuck in my house staring at the rain and feeling dreary with no energy.
I will also miss the Easter Egg hunt at work which will include cash prizes and gift certificates. See where I am going with this? UGHH. I don't know what to do. I half want to atleast change ONE of my days off from Wed to Monday as Monday will be GOURGEOUS but Mondays are busy days for me. I suppose I could do everything on Tuesday though. HELP!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Morning Muse-AW

I am relieved this morning as I sit here enjoying my coffee. The day is beautiful, I am going to accomplish some yardwork today and above all, the majority of my wedding pictures have been resurrected. My darling husband had downloaded them on one of the computers and recently while restoring some crashed harddrives he pulled the pictures off of them and stored them on CD's. My wedding pictures are there. I don't know if the resolution will be enough to have them printed in various sizes but I'm going to try anyway. I still have a call in to my photographer to see if she can help me with another disk at a reasonable price.

Last night, when he told me about them, I took a trip down memory lane. The nostalgia overwhelmed me. I can not believe that was 2 1/2 years ago. Holy Moly. I look at us then and look at us now, and realize how solid we are as a family unit. I can not imagine two people loving each other more or my life without this man.

Yes he irritates the piss out of me sometimes, and I do him as well, but we love each other beyond measure. We will make wonderful parents and beautiful children. (Hey, I'm allowed to be vain once in awhile). Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, please let our children have their father's metabolism though!
Okay sweet angel baby, I have posted pictures of your wonderful parents-to-be. Aren't we fabulous? You can enter my ute at ANY TIME now! I've showed you the goods, all you have to do is show up! Thanks so much, Your Awaiting Mommy.

Friday, April 3, 2009


This week has been long and agonizing mostly because I have been swamped, exhausted and I have vacation coming up. Father time is toying with me.

Friday (today) however has been Craptastic. Not only was it excruciatingly long but it was also tormenting to my emotions. We* lost my wedding pictures CD which means we do not have any pictures of our wedding except the few I put on photobucket. I am devastated. I have called my photographer to see if she could make me a copy and how much it would be but the wedding was TWO years ago. I'm not holding out much hope.

DH and I have also been snippy with each other since this all transpired.

All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I'm too stressed out for even that.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Side Effects

Faithful bloggers, be you few, I do apologize for not writing in almost a week. It’s not that I had nothing to say (I mean really, me, the mouth of the south, having nothing to say? I don’t think so), just that time got away from me.
This week has not been a fun week, between the breakouts, the pain in my side, night sweats and restlessness, headaches and being buried at work, I am exhausted. I am irritable from not sleeping and just feeling all around old and fugly.

You would think, that dealing with ALL of this stuff, it would mean my body would cooperate a bit with me and Ovulate or something, but so far, NOTHING. My darling husband has been participating beyond my wildest expectations with this whole process. As I will hold nothing back from you, I will admit that he is even checking CM and cervix position every night for me. Probably sounds weird to most of you but I have an extremely abnormally high cervix to the point my Dr. has trouble getting to it (see the HSG recap post). I have never been able to feel it and this frustrates me trying to chart. So my DH with his long fingers has taken over this function. (He can barely reach it). I must admit that was sweet and kind of hysterical the first few nights of him trying to compare what he’s feeling with the pictures and information in the TCOYF book. He knows what he’s doing now and while it is still a bit embarrassing for me (I can’t even check my own body wtf?), I am happy that my husband is being so considerate and helping instead of blaming me for being broken or letting me DEAL with the issues since they are mine alone. He truly is in this with me through thick, thin, good, bad and bitchy utes.
I know it’s early in the cycle yet, but it’s hard not getting slightly frustrated when you are this exhausted and NOTHING is changing. My cervix is closed up like Fort Knox and I’m tired of seeing negatives on the OPK’s. I’m still staying hopeful that Clomid will work for me and it’s only the first month (and early) and a low dose but the side effects are making me anxious and cranky. I can only imagine what the higher doses are going to do to me. I thought I was doing well. When I was actually TAKING the pills, there were little to no side effects. I though it was going to be a breeze. Nope, it hits me a week later. Is this normal? I have no idea. Maybe a question I should ask the BOTB girls. May be a stupid question, but it is mine none the less and I will embrace it because frankly I want to know if my body is even more weird then I thought it was.

So there it is: A recap of crappy rundown irritating week. I need sleep. Positive thought for the day: Next week is a short week and I get a few days off work. Second Positive for the day: my husband rocks for being so good to me about all this.