McFatty Monday: Finally a little progress!

Another week has come and gone. It’s insane how fast the time is going. Summer is half over, fall is just around the corner. I feel like I need to start Christmas shopping!

I finally started exercising this week on a consistent basis. A dear friend of mine, Beth, has been driving over with her dog and we have been walking ½ mile to a mile and then swimming laps afterwards. Our workouts have been consistently about an hour. On the few days she hasn’t come, I have done about 30 minutes in the pool. So last week I worked out Tuesday through Sunday, everyday in addition to gardening for several hours.

So how did I do on the food portion? Well, not great but not bad. My carb intake was WAY Too high but my calories and nutrition wasn’t bad. See, I have this little problem in the summer time. It’s called a fresh ripe tomato. When I have those in my garden I practically LIVE on turkey, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. They are so yummy, quick and I don’t feel weighted down afterward. I tried to stir things up with baked chicken, garden salads and boiled eggs. I had another little issue: Homemade Blueberry muffins with fresh picked blueberries. Again, CARBS.

My portion sizes weren’t bad, none of the items were that bad, but again, with PCOS I’m supposed to stay away from the carbs: sandwich bread, muffins, and fruit…all carbs. ::sigh::

Then last night disaster struck. Yesterday afternoon during our workout after church, I was hit with sharp abdominal pain. I went in to use the potty and was immediately wracked with coughing, puking, stabbing pain. It was awful. It was a throwback to my cyst rupturing, my gall bladder going bad and even my m/c pain though not quite as severe. Enough to have me crying and curled up in the fetal position though. My husband brought me some of the oxycodine pills from my M/C aftermath and that helped dull the pain and let me sleep through part of it. My parents came down and I was not up to swimming with them again or grilling out as I had never made it to the grocery store anyway. So we ordered pizza. I ate two slices of Pizza Hut, Stuffed Crust Veggie Pizza with no sauce.

A little ray of sunshine this morning was that I had lost two pounds, despite the pizza. So that’s good right? I’ve got to keep the exercising up! I think that’s the answer to getting over this weight loss hump. Hopefully this abdominal pain will go away soon. It’s been somewhat manageable this morning but it has already flared up on me once today causing me quite a bit of discomfort and agony here at work. I have a Dr’s appt scheduled at 3. Maybe I will get some answers in a few hours.

Between the abdominal pain and the classes at church (we are moving forward with starting a community/church group for IF/loss sufferers in our area) the next two nights in addition to possible storms, I do not foresee being able to workout in the next two days but I’m not letting that deter me. I am planning on Wednesday being back on the exercise wagon. Really, two days off a week is not going to affect my exercise. Many people workout every other day anyway.

So this week is going to be yet another busy week with gardening, canning, classes, working out, work meetings and then preparing for the in-laws visit this weekend (which means cleaning my house!).

In other news, my chart looks half way decent this month. FF has flip flopped between day 16 and 17 for O so I’m not sure how good our timing is though. For now, I will hold out a little hope as it’s the most decent looking chart we’ve had since starting the Clomid again.

I will probably test on Sunday if it still looks good so that if by chance I get a BFP I can get into the Dr. on Monday for Progesterone and Beta tests. Fingers crossed.

How is everyone else doing this week?

Metta (who hosted McFatty Monday this week and did an excellent job! You go girl and rock out that bathing suit!) asks

How are you working through body image issues? What do you do when you find yourself on your own ledges of self loathing? How do you want to help your little ones, boys and girls, love themselves no matter what?

Having always been overweight, I'm very self concious but I overcompensate for that sometimes by being a bitch. It's one of my biggest flaws (besides my roly poly stomach and waving underarms). I am proud of myself because I rarely give up. I threaten to, and I fall off the bandwagon, but in my life I have accomplished a lot and I hold my head high and DARE people to say anything to me about my flaws which includes my weight. There are more important things than a svelt physique thought being healthy should never be discounted. I try to remember everything I am good at and what my accomplishments are when I get on those loathsome ledges. I want to make sure that my children are very active and love being involved in activities that they enjoy so that they too have positive outlets. I want to insure that they have good habits in exercise and eating but also that they respect people's struggles and mind their manners. I will reinforce that all people are beautiful and as long as they continue to try and never give up on themselves, they should always hold their head high and be proud. Tomorrow is another day of this life's adventure.

Mind = Gone (FUCK YOU FF)

I’m so depressed right now, I want to scream. My temp was up this morning so I thought, awesome, I’ll test tomorrow. I feel good. Then I put my temp into FF and it finally gave me cross hairs. Solid ones! THREE FUCKING DAYS AGO, after we gave up and quit having sex. Last month I ovulated way earlier than I ever have before and missed it. This month I ovulated LATE and we were too worn out to keep going. WHAT THE FUCK?

Why is everything conspiring against me to have a child? Am I really that bad of a person that I can’t get one little fucking break?

I don’t know what I believe. I didn’t have any O pain’s three days ago. The only pains I’ve had is constipation and low back pain. I had the tender soreness with painful sex back on day 14. Though four days ago, it was a little tender during sex again but not like before. I want to believe that if I did just O because temps don’t lie, that I have a chance. I had sex the day before O but at the same time I’m so disgusted with the whole situation I just don’t have it in me to do another 2ww and have hope anymore. I was planning to test tomorrow. I guess there’s no point. I just want to curl up in a dark place and cry.

I’ve been trying to have a good week and keep my mind off this mess because I really wanted to believe this was going to be a good cycle. Despite not having cross hairs and thinking I o’d I really wanted to believe it would be okay. DH started back to school and I’ve been super productive each night cleaning the house, cooking, dealing with the garden etc. I’ve gone to bed each night completely exhausted and sore but feeling good about all I’ve accomplished.

I was happy it was Friday. Looking forward to spending tonight in my garden and despite having a million and one errands to do tomorrow, excited about testing in the morning. I felt positive (with a little fear) and was determined to continue my great productivity.

All of that just went out the window. With the solid crosshairs after I’d given up, I deflated like a balloon. I don’t know why I’m more anxious this time around. I don’t know why I’m more neurotic but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I want off the roller coaster but after three years of trying, two years of charting, I don’t even know how to stop.

We are tired. Sex feels like a chore. I don’t enjoy it at all anymore. I just want it done. Thanks to the meds, my breasts and vag fucking hurt all the time. They are super sensitive and I want to knock his head off when he touches me. Sex is painful. It’s a duty. I don’t like what we’ve become.

And I’m tired of people telling me to relax. I can’t fucking relax you stupid morons. I HAVE TO THINK about this shit. I have to analyze everything. I HAVE TO TAKE MEDS because my stupid body doesn’t fucking work. YOU’VE OBVIOUSLY RELAXED YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE TOO MUCH because you clearly can’t think logically and with any intelligence whatsofuckingever.

I take it back. I don’t want to curl up in a dark place. I WANT TO FUCKING BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING. I need a punching bag, STAT.

My emotions are out of control over this. I’m irrational and I’m mean. I’m not good to be around. The weeds are in trouble tonight because all hell (pissed off me) is breaking loose in my garden tonight. I’ve got to work this emotional tornado out of my system or I’m going to go apeshit on someone and it won’t be pretty. I’m losing my mind.

And just like that I get an email that takes the wind out of my sails.

Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped into a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call The Law of the Garbage Truck. He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, resentments, anger, and frustration; so keep that little spigot we all have at our side shut off. CHOOSE to not let it in because when you do, it will surely contaminate that great work you have planned for this fantastic day!

I let me emotions get to me but I won’t edit it out. You can see the garbage that I had filling me up and I let myself go. Now I’m back to being depressed and miserable but at least I’m not spewing garbage at everyone. I’m definitely losing my mind.

2WW psychosis 101: aka BUCKIN loses her mind

Now my chart looks more an-ovulatory thanks to the lovely spike. Let’s break it down though. We can disregard this huge spike since I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

If we assume I ovulated on day 14 which is what I’m leaning toward, then the small spike would be perfectly in line with an implantation spike that I have experienced with my BFP’s as would the flat line temps.

We can also keep the large spike today if my temp stays up tomorrow as a normal increase if I were pregnant.

I’m fluctuating between anger and disbelief that I didn’t ovulate and positivity and excitement in the feeling I’m pregnant. (I’m delusional and insane currently…really I am over this.)

Just for funsies my body decided to throw sever low back pains and exhaustion on top of my psychosis. Oh wait, those were early pregnancy symptoms too! See isn’t this FUN?!

The fact that PMS and pregnancy symptoms are so much alike is mother natures asskick to women with IF. (okay anyone who is trying but especially those who try for a long time IF or not).

So that is where I am today. Tired, ill, moody and hoping I really did O and that my temps look good through Saturday for a BFP. (I’m dreaming. I know and am waiting for the inevitable let down and depression). At least I was poetic for a few days and move quickly though right?

I’m like one of those bouncy balls from a 25 cent machine that drive parents insane bouncing out of control. Up, down, rolling around, teasing the cat then freaking her out. Yep that’s me. Are we having fun yet?

Waiting and Dreams

Has it come and gone again so soon? I’m already in another two week wait? FF hasn’t confirmed yet but by the temps, position of my cervix, pain in myute and excruciating sexual experience, I’m pretty sure I’m 3 DPO.

I didn’t do the POM juice or the pineapple this time. I am drinking green tea but that’s just because I’ve gotten to where I love it.

I’m very confident with our timing this time. (You kind of have to be with sex EVERYDAY!) Whether it will “catch” or not or if the egg was released good quality are two different things. So now we wait. Okay we continue to have sex just in case and we wait.

I freaked myself out last night. I keep remembering the truly heinous experience I had with my miscarriage and the bad reaction to the anesthesia during the d&E. I had a full blown panic attack lying in bed asking myself “how can I do this?” I’m scared to death of never having a baby. I’m more scared of pregnancy, loss, labor and having a baby!

People think that because you suffer from IF you lose all unease about pregnancy and babies because you become desperate to experience it. NOT TRUE! Honestly, my fears have grown tremendously since my miscarriage and experiences. Maybe I’m not the norm but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

On loss boards I’ve seen it said that you know when you ready when the desire to have a baby outweighs your fear. I guess that’s true because my fear isn’t stopping me from trying (now) but it (desire) certainly doesn’t make the fear shut up and go away.

Behind every hope and excitement, fear lurks. I used to be brave, brash and bold (the three B’s of bitchdom yo!) but now I’m a timid, fearful stressed out wuss. I’m living with that but it’s not easy that’s for sure.

I have one wish above and beyond a baby. When I do become pregnant again, I will be able to enjoy it and experience all that excitement and wonder and joy of pregnancy. I don’t want to live the entire time fearing loss, trying not to get attached, waiting for it to end.

I know its going to be hard, especially the first trimester. But I won’t even feel safe then because of all the late term losses I’ve witnessed. How do I ever feel true uncomplicated joy again without all this fear? I don’t want to waste anymore of my life on fear and pain and grief.
I want to live and love and be hopeful everyday that I have. If I only get 10 weeks with another baby, I want to enjoy and treasure every second of it because it may be my last opportunity to hold my child’s’ soul and heart that close to mine. I don’t want to spend 10 weeks fearing the loss and pain to come but 10 weeks treasuring the moments of carrying such precious cargo.

Testing Tomorrow

I am so ready for the weekend. I don’t like talking about work too much on here. It’s no one’s business what goes on in the corporate world. My business life and the rest of my life are separate. There are snippets, vague impressions of the environment but not really any concrete evidence of WHERE I work or what I do. That’s how I like it. I do have to throw out that there is a lot going on here right now, rumors flying, people exiting (that’s being polite and noncommittal about it), mandatory meetings etc. I feel like I’m walking through a farmyard with a bunch of Henny Penny’s screaming “The sky is falling!”

It’s taxing on a body. Really. Stress is not good. I don’t like what is going on but there is nothing I can do so rather than listen to the corporate blather, I choose to stick my head in the sand and huddle at my desk. But until then, I have to get through the day, the high energy stress balls that surround me, the meetings and the fear of the unknown that hangs in the air like the Mark of Voldemort. Am I worried about not having a job to come back to? No. I will be back here on Monday and going through it all again, but today, I’m just trying to get to 5:00pm. To Freedom.

I have so much to do. We are taking the dogs to a Dachshund Festival benefiting a rescue group. At some point, working around the rain, we have to work on the garden. I have plants that need staking, dusting, picking, planting, weeding. I have a house that needs cleaning, grocery shopping to do, and a list a mile long that is not possible to complete in two days. ::sigh::

But the big plan? The big plan is to test on Saturday morning. I tested last night because of the nausea. No dice. Big Fat negative. I’ve had a bad feeling about this cycle from the second week but there is a tiny spark of hope that I will have the ugliest BFP chart EVER and that last night was just too early with 10 dpo and afternoon pee (yea, thanks Isha and Beth for insisting on not giving up thanks to those little factors). I used to NEVER pee on sticks, and now I’ve become obsessed. I hate the negatives, but I just can’t seem to stop myself. So tomorrow morning, I will be up, bright and early, POAS, and will report the results over my morning cup of hot cocoa. You can all be nervous with me.

Make up your mind already

FF is screwing with me hard core. First it had ovulation at day 14. Not a chance in hell that was going to work out. Then it moved it to day 16 which I felt was a tad more accurate and gave us a better chance. This morning it wanted to move it to day 18 with solid crosshairs which gives us ZERO chance and I don't necessarily agree anyway.

I've studied chart reading with FF and played the analyzing games. I've never quite understood why FF chooses the day it chooses sometimes. I think it says EENY MEENY MINEY MO.

So I don't know what to think. I currently have crosshairs (dotted ones) on day 16) which of the three gives us the best chance but I don't feel confident that its accurate. I think I may go insane during this 2WW.

Let me introduce you to my new BFF:

Mr. Enima. Never met him? well I was cordially introduced during a meltdown on Isle three in Food Lion today. Milk of Magnesia? Could Not Find it. There was Liquid Lemon Magnesium, and other Magna stuff but no Milk Of. There was more Colace and ExLax than I could shake a stick at but no MoM.

As I sat there, in tears, clutching my box of frozen spinach to my stomach, trying desperately not to shove it between my butt cheeks to soothe my sore bum with its icey goodness in front of the stock boys, I started to hyperventilate silently. After all, I have lost all dignity in the internet world by talking incessently about the state of my clogged ass for days, I'll be damned if I lose my Southern Lady rep at my local grocery store.

There, on the bottom shelf, winking up at me, was Mr. Enima. My mother had referred me to him earlier but I blew her off. Why would I possibly want to stick SOMETHING ELSE UP MY BUTT. I want things OUT OF MY BUTT.

In complete and utter desperation, I grabbed him (and went through the self check out line so as not to further my humiliation of waddling through the store with my ass cheeks tucked up under my spinal cord by having some teenager ring up my enima and then gossip about me when I walked out the door.

For two agonizing hours I procrastinated. I tried once more on my own, but it gets to a certain spot and becomes so painful that I know I can push it out. Quite frankly the enima terrified me though. I finally gave in. I was miserable and could not stand it (or sit) any more.

Now if you are like me and wonder how that thing is going to go up there, let me comfort you now, IT's PRELUBED! genius. I won't gross you with the details or the fact that I was so clogged I had to try twice. Fortunately, this thing is almost instantaneous. Maybe 1-2 minutes max and I was ready to go...with very little pushing. Was it wierd? OMG yes, but RELIEF. Sweet baby jesus, thank you lord, relief!

And with one little enima and bowel movement, I clogged the toilet. Why? WHY? Why should I have to deal with that TOO on top of this crap (literally?).

Anyway, it was quite impressive to say the least, and I now have NO FEAR of using an enima should the need ever arise again because those few moments of uncomfortable humiliation curled up on the bathroom floor with a gushing plastic bottle up my butt? (and the extra few moments retyping this?) are SO WORTH not walking around for four days with a painful cork.

Get thee an enima ladies. I promise. BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE! Now we can resume staring at our pretty charts and not discussing poop. YAY!

Tax Day

I hate Tax Day. I really really hate tax day, because no matter what we do, how much we pay in, we always get hit for some reason. Even taking a loss last year, we got hit. We had our taxes done two months ago but I refused to send that money off until today. I wrote the check last night, stuffed the envelopes and have them with me today to stamp and send off which I will do in just a few minutes.

Here's the thing though. I feel free. There's nothing hanging over my head anymore. That dread, the fighting with myself over money issues. We can pay what we owe. We aren't happy about it, but we can pay it. We can pay all our bills and put food on the table. We have insurance. We have jobs. We have a nice house even though it needs a new roof. We don't have to touch our pitiful savings and I was even able to add to it this month. We are blessed in so many ways.

And my chart is looking fantastic and for some unknown reason, I can't help but be optimistic this cycle. Am I destined for depression in one week? Maybe, but for now, I'm going to be absolutely positive and enjoy a week of hope. Even paying taxes today can not damper my mood.

O.M.G.-heart palpatations

I know, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. This morning when I took my temp, my heart dropped with my temperature and I knew it was over this month. Anovulatory.

I plugged in my temp to FF though and BAM. SOLID CROSSHAIRS with GOOD TIMING indicators. And even this morn's low temp is above cover line.

And at the very bottom (after all hopes of a 2010 baby were gone), EDD if I concieved this cycle: December 31st, 2010.

::heart beating out of my chest::

this is going to be the most torturous 2WW (and biggest let down in history)

::chews nails::

Ultimate disappointment

It wasn't even three days ago I laughed at a commercial that said "1 in 4 women can mis-read a pregnancy test". Apparently, everyone I know, including myself can misread a pregnancy test.

I admit it. I took two last night. The uber cheap store brand pink dye tests. There was no mistaking a faint plus sign. We both saw it. I took pictures and texted it to several of my BOTB girls for second (third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc.) opinions. They all saw it. Around me, there was giddyness and celebration while I tried to maintain some composure. My heart was leaping, I could hardly breathe. My head was still saying "PROCEED WITH CAUTION!"

I hardly slept. About two hours in, I got up and collected my pee and took my temp. My temp had fallen below the cover line and I cried. Then I realized I had not even been asleep for two hours or so. When I got up like normal this morning, my temp was 97.9 so I poured out the other pee and peed again.

I was on the way out the door but discovered my sick old dog had exploded her bowels all over my livingroom carpet. She hasn't used the bathroom in the house in over 12 years. She's a very sick girl. I spent the next two hours gagging and cleaning up poop and steam cleaning my carpets with Resolve. I still have work to do but for now, my carpet has to dry.

So I took a shower and raced to Walgreens. I got not only a digital but a regular pink dye FRER. I used the FMU and got a big FAT NEGATIVE with the digital. My heart fell to the floor and I thought I was going to stop breathing. I did the pink dye. Negative though I swear I could see a faint shadow of a line.

But you know what? A line isn't always a line. Sometimes its just a shadow. I'm like 18 dpo. There is no way a digital could not detect HSG in FMU at 18 dpo. I am not pregnant. And I just wasted $45.00 on what I knew to be true yesterday.

The lesson here, is do not buy cheap tests. Do not look at shadows and do not get excited until you see a fucking ultrasound. Listen to your gut. When you know what your body does, believe your instinct, not the little hopeful voices that say "there is always a first time for everything." No. Not in the world of my broken uterus.

Excuse me while I go back to cleaning up the dog shit that is both literally and metaphorically my life today.

I'm a Procrastinator, In Case You Didn't know

Most people have to be talked down from POAS too early. 7 dpo, if their chart looks good, they are itching to cock their leg on a pretty pink stick like a dog marking its territory.

This very feminine response is somehow absent from me. POAS scares the bajezus out of me. I haven't ever used that many in my lifetime. One or two when I first started trying but in the past 2 years? TWO. Both were positive within a day of each other. The second one was because I simply didn't believe the first one.

Last month I had to pee at the Dr.'s office before I had the lung scans just to make sure. The nurse and Dr. were so callous towards me anyway and their delivery of the news that it was negative hurt me deeply. They were so flippant about it, but these were the most rude, uncaring dr.'s I've ever come across in my lifetime. Seriously. I guess being a lung specialist doesn't require you to care about anyone. But I digress.

So despite the fact that I'm 16 dpo, I continue to put off buying a pregnancy test. TCOYF says that if you go 18 dpo above the cover line, you are pregnant. Well, no discredit to you, TCOYF, but I'm not buying it until I see a positive test even though that's EXACTLY what happened to my last BFP.

Why you ask? Because not only am I a procrastinator, but I'm also a pessimist. Let me count the reasons I am not pregnant:
1) I have no clue if we had sex remotely close to the right time (DH thinks we did).
2) We didn't use Preconcieve and I have sucktastic CM if any at all.
3) I've never ovulated on my own
4) My body hates me.
5) My temperatures are hovering, not really rising

But to be fair, I'll recount why I COULD be.
1) I had INSANE, unexplainable back pain around my kidneys for several days which is identical to what I felt with the first BFP.
2) I'm having more gas than normal (and this morning the gas bubbles are hovering in my back and it hurts like hell).
3) Stupid FF is showing a tentative ovulation.
4) My temperatures are hovering which again, is reminiscent of my BFP.

I'm scared. I'm scared of seeing a negative after this hope. I'm scared of seeing a positive after what we went through last time. Therefore, I'm putting off POAS. If I put it off long enough, my head tells me AF will show up (but if miracle of miracles I AM PREGNANT, I know this isn't true.)

Things that make you go HMMM

I know I've been a terrible creepy internet friend and blog follower lately. I promise I've been skimming blogs on my list. (MK, yours doesn't show up on my list and I have to remember to go to favorites atleast once a week, but I swear I do read). So while it may seem my stalking skills are quite pathetic and I'm not making quite an effort to entertain everyone in my writing, its just been a little crazy lately. I haven't abandoned you or my efforts in TTC.

I'm currently in the 2ww, despite my nonfunctioning right ovary (it functions after all), despite not having sex this month (we accidentally hit around the time by sheer dumb luck) and despite not having any hope for the month.

Despite ALL that, my chart is doing interesting things and I can't help but go HMMMM and have this tiny little flicker of hope. In ten cycles of charting, I've had three ovulations with decent thermal shifts but no pretty 2ww climbs. My numbers are always just even until the drop. The first month, when it stayed above the cover line, I got excited. I've sense learned that those charts aren't that pretty. It's the wonky spikes and climbs that give you the nice BFP charts. So you can imagine the skip in my heart when my temp jumped this morning!

LOOK AT MY CHART! (throws out a fishing pole). I know its probably a fluke and I'm doomed to disappointment, but for one day, I will have hope. I can be disappointed later.

So today, I'm going to enjoy my little slice of sunshine. I'm going to go to the farmer's market and pool store. Come back and clean my house while watching the Hannah Montana movie (shut your mouth, I admit it freely) and enjoy my girlfriends who are coming by later. I don't know if we will get to enjoy the pool (which its kinda gross anyway with all the dead algae dirt on the bottom) but we will hang and have fun and today will be good.

Before I go, LOOK AT MY CHART. yikes.

Official BFN

I couldn't sleep this morning, I'm not sure why. I just had a wierd feeling. Hope had sprung anew. Today was the day AF would show her dirtywhore face which means today would be my temperature drop. I knew if my temperature did not plummet I was digging out that HPT and testing. I was excited. I took my temp. It dropped from yesterday but was still high and right in line with the rest of my temps for the past week. So I took the HPT. I turned it this way and that, nothing, nada, zip. It might as well had a big glaring Neon sign that said "LOSER" or "No Chance in Hell, Bitch."

I plastered a groggy before coffee smile on my face, chuncked the little pink and white plastic bastard in the trash and trotted out of the bathroom to start my day. All of this time I have calmly known that I was not pregnant this month. I accepted it. I emotionally crashed and moved on. Somehow, I still set myself up at the last minute for utter failure and rejection by my own body. I'm pissed at myself for doing that to myself. I knew better. As I sat on the bed with the cat at my feet and my dog in my lap, watching the morning news, drinking my bitter half caff coffee with no sugar (as I am trying to make my body a habital environment for a fetus), I realized, WTF am I doing this to myself for? Is my life so bad without children? DH asked me what was wrong but I told him nothing.

Nothing is wrong, besides the same old shit that my body hates me, but we have established that and there is absolutely no point in discussing it at 6:30 a.m. when I have had very little coffee. My life is not a bad life. There are things I need to do to improve it (pay off debt, downsize some of our obligations and responsibilities to alleviate stress) but its not a bad life. It just feels empty and as if we are not progressing. My future feels wrong, lonely and bleak if I try to imagine it without children.

I have not learned the art of patience very well. I've been forced into limbo by not succeeding but that doesn't mean I'm patient. That is definately a lesson I need to learn as my age creeps up and my life ticks by, its hard to learn patience.

I guess tonight will come the discussion with my husband on what we do from here and tomorrow will be the call to my Dr. to verify what our options are for the next cycle. Do we want to bother with Clomid again since my Right ovary has shown no signs of cooperation or give the Clomid a break and just do Metformin this month? Do we try Clomid again the next cycle or are we giving up for awhile. These are decisions I am faced with yet again but its not just my decision which is both comforting and bothersome. I don't have to blame myself solely for giving up if it is a joint decision but at the same time if I'm too tired to continue, I don't have the total say if DH wants to try One more month etc. This is ultimately the part I hate. The end of a cycle, decision time.

It's Almost Over

The 2WW that is. I can not believe how fast it flew by this time. No excitement, no desire to test, nothing. AF is due to arrive tomorrow. I'm in this super mellow state of submission. Submission to whatever will be will be. I'm not exactly dissappointed but resigned to AF and a little ready to start a new cycle. I feel like I should be MORE dissappointed because our timing and everything was good which leaves more issues than just not ovulating. Maybe I got it all out of my system in my mega break down last week. I finally sat down and showed DH why my chart was not a BFP chart so I think he's over his excitement as well.

It's a little surreal. I'm starting to stall myself on some things because I don't want to move forward knowing we are doing so without a child when some of the things are for a child. I don't know. It's a very odd feeling right now. I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep well, I'm overwhelmed and yea, maybe there is a bit of dissappointment lurking in there as well.

I don't even know what to write much less feel like writing, so I'm a little unsure why I'm even here pecking at the keys.

Complete and Total Melt Down

It happened. I cracked. I was innocently driving home from the grocery store and was completely overtaken by emotion and hormones. There I was, driving 35 miles per hour through tears, beating my hand against the steering wheel and begging God to give me a baby. I did it all, I bargained, I pleaded, I begged, I cried, I screamed. Every commuter on my road now thinks there is a psycho driving a yellow convertible mustang.

My story does not end here however. My meltdown was not yet complete. I had control again for about two hours. In that time, I sat there snapping beans, stressing over all the things I had yet to do while DH snored on the sofa with his Man Cold. So I get up to let the dogs out and when I open the door there is someone walking their dog down my road. I grab my chowchow and hang on to her and my Doxie in all his 13lbs of ferocious glory charges out to the edge of the yard to bark. The lady starts yelling at him to go home. Well you stupid bitch, he IS home. He is STANDING IN THE YARD 10 feet from the road. You have a Collie that is atleast 40 lbs STFU. Ofcourse I'm yelling for the little brat but he totally ignores me. Her dog freaks out, twists out of his collar and runs. He RUNS from a 13lb Doxie. What a wus. When he twists free, I thought OH GOD, He's going to come in my yard and attack my dog, and Tedda starts growling really low so I'm hanging on to her for all I'm worth because she would tear that dog limb from limb if he comes in the yard. He didn't. The moment passed but I started crying because I looked like a screaming banshee in my own yard and that pissed me off.

Then my little brat wouldn't come back to me because he knew he had been bad...so I had to chase him down and I spanked him. One Pop (yes, I pop my dogs, I also give them time outs. My dogs are very well behaved and know exactly what they did wrong and why they are being punished and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass) but it was too hard and I knew it before I was doing it. It didn't hurt him, but he yelped as if I had stabbed him and ran in the house and jumped in his crate. My Doxie is a drama King. Major Drama King and his little feelings get hurt easily. You can look at him cross eyed and he gets upset. It is not necessary to pop him except on rare occasions because he does get his feelings hurt so easily. Time outs work great for him. I know this, I knew it at the time, I did it anyway which made me feel worse and like a monster and that got me more upset.

I KNEW better then to go feed the horses but I did it anyway because I thought it would help me calm down. My heart, my soulmate, he died when we moved into the house and I know the horses we have now just don't do it for me. They are asses and they showed their asses last night. As I opened the stall door to go in, the boys, tried to invade my personal space and run me over for the food. If you have never had two 1100 lb small draft horses that wrap around each other like eels because they are twins try to take advantage of your space, well you are lucky. It's not a pleasant feeling. I screamed bloody murder at them, at which they jumped back and pawed the ground and looked at me as if I had lost my damn mind, which ofcourse I had. I was consumed with so much rage and hate and anger it was not healthy. My skin became hot, I started sweating, I turned red, I was crying boiling tears, I couldn't breathe. I sat in the hammock under the deck and called Sarah.

I told her everything and she calmed me down and we figured it out. I don't ovulate. Therefore I don't have the same hormones everyone else has that triggers PMS etc. I'm not used to emotional swings of this nature. I'm not accustomed to the PMS bloat, crampiness, twinges etc. that are so often connected with both PMS and pregnancy. So when the meds straighten out my hormones and allow my body to function properly, its hard not to obsess over these feelings even though my temperature tells me they are a lie. (As well as FF with your 77pregnancy points. FUCK YOU FF). Because I do not normally have them, my brain tells me the truth, my body tells me something else, and throw in a bunch of hormones I'm not used to and you have psycho crazy lady driving down the road in a mustang screaming like a banshee and beating her animals.

I am what nightmares are made of. Then I started crying again. Why would God give me a child when I turn into this monster? Who would want to see me as a mom? I've always thought I was an excellent mom to my animals. My Chowchow knows 45 commands. She's 12 yo and everyone wants her. My Doxie has come a long way and while he isn't the brightest lightbulb in the world he is learning and everyone loves him as well. My cat is a Diva. I don't know if I've ever lost control like that before but if I'm capable of losing control because my hormones go crazy, what else am I capable of.

Today, I feel empty and hollow. DH tried to comfort me last night when he woke up and I told him what had happened. He tried to be sweet and tell me it didn't matter, that he wouldn't leave me if I couldn't give him a family (which is one of my big fears), that we would just BUY a family if we had to hang out at highschools hunting for scared pregnant teenagers and put ads in the PennySaver like Juno to do so. I'm toying with going ahead and putting our name on the list for foster/adopt. I'm confused and I'm torn. Part of me doesn't want this cycle to end because I want time for a little more hope but then when I enter another temp that doesn't help the chart I am ready to start over.

I believe in the power of dreams. I think some people have something extra that allows them to see events as they unfold. Steph dreamed that I got a BFP after Lucas front teeth poked through. He's teething now. Maybe I will keep at the drugs for two more months. Until then, I am going to try to get through today without being bitter and depressed with emotional outburts. I'm going to go home tonight, primp and go on a date with my husband and see Harry Potter. I REFUSE to become Psycho crying beatmydog lady today (and my dog has forgiven me and I spent extra time cuddling with him in the bed this morning). I am NOT an evil person I swear.

FF Pregnancy Monitor

So I have the "free VIP" trial on FF. Ofcourse the one option that VIP's get that I want to use and they do not give me, is "find BFP charts like yours." Bastards. If I want to torture myself and provide myself with a little bit of hope in the face of my devastation, then you should damn well let me. The only thing you have "given" me is the Pregnancy Monitor where you give me points if I'm constipated.

Symptoms: constipated (despite my splurge of chinese food, fiber and fruit), bloated, fatigued, crampy (probably from my intestinal blockage)...whoohoo 67 points for pregnancy. OY VEY. come on REALLY? Basically you are telling me that if people enter symptoms that can be explained by PMS, poor diet, or a cold you give me pregnancy points? DUMBEST THING EVER.

Quit toying with me.

In other news, I have really been toying with taking a mini vacation of some sort. Blair's post only confirmed that I need to do this. We never had a honeymoon and every "vacation" we get (rare moments when someone will actually feed our horses for us which has happened ONCE in the past three years for Christmas) we end up visiting the inlaws and wasting a weekend on their sofa and being drug to walmart etc. with them in their daily lives. BORING. I want to REALLY get away.

Necessities for Minivacation:
Driving distance (within 6hrs)
Cheap accomodations
Limited Budget
Things to see and Do
Preferably NOT the beach (as DH can't stand the beach)

So far I've come up with:
Charleston (based on Blair's post and the recommendation for years from BFF)
Atlanta (My cousin lives there and would welcome us with open arms and no pressure to hang around)
Williamsburg/Busch Gardens/Jamestown (DH's grandparents live there and have a free room but it would feel like a family visit even though they won't care if we are gone during the day).
Asheville (Biltmore house, horseback riding, antique shops/museaums-but DH isn't real thrilled about seeing the Biltmore)
Cherokee (we would both love to go but DH really wants to do a Sweat Lodge and you have to be invited and since my grandfather died I don't have any relatives who have taken time to register with the reservation and tribe)

If we use family connections for places to stay then we have more money to explore/shop/do things during the day. However, I'm not sure that would "FEEL" like a vacation. I really want it to be just the two of us. We have NEVER had that. UGGH

Maybe just a little bit Neurotic

It's another month and another failure. I know this. My chart suckage confirms this. My crampy ute and some of the worst PMS bloat I've ever had (or maybe I'm in denial over how much Amish Friendship bread I've actually eaten) confirm the suckage. I can not help but hold out the smallest flicker of hope until AF shows though.

When she does, it will be another slide into depression I'm sure. Yesterday, I had to walk away from the computer when I visited some boards etc and realized how far people were along...with their second baby. I remember when they had their first. Here I am, still struggling to get pregnant for once in my life in the face of toddlers and second pregnancies.

Cute conversations between DH and I are great for blog material but the underlying truth can not be ignored: Even he is questioning continuing with meds which leaves us where? Reviewing our insurance information it does not cover any Fertility Treatments or "unnatural conception including IVF etc.".

I keep coming back to that whole "Why am I being punished scenario." I'm questioning my faith, religion, EVERYTHING about my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt when I get that final confirmation that this is another cycle bust, I am going to be absolutely devastated. I can already feel the tide of despair lapping at my feet. With every temperature, the tide goes higher.

Neurotic 2WW

I doubt I will be one this month. Nothing close to what I was the first time around unless something seriously changes. I don't feel it at all. We had good timing, I knew the day I was ovulating. Everything went very similar to the first time without the severe pain. FF confirmed.

My temperatures are not very high over the coverline and on an overlay are not much different from previous two BFN months. The pain in the lower left around my left ovary has kicked BACK in and I'm almost afraid it didn't really ovulate. I don't know. This crampy bloated pain needs to go away. I think this may be a sign that my luteal phase is going to be extremely short (maybe thanks to the metformin?) and I will be fighting that Biddy AF sooner then normal. ARGH.

I can't win. I need painless, non bloated, pee-free sleep, SOON!

Chart Suckage

I really don't have much to say. Except FF is saying I O'd when I thought I did but my chart sucks. That is all.

FF, Make up Your Mind

I swear, every time I put a new temperature in, FF changes my O date. I get the whole day 49 to day 50 thing. But Day 51? Really? Come on Now. It would be great for the simple fact we had sex that day, but honestly FF, I'm not buying it. If I ovulated, it was day 49-50. Don't effing TEASE me with hopes of day 51 with corresponding sex. I am NOT in a 2WW. I'm still waiting for this cycle from Hades to be over, AF to show up like a dirty whore late to a truck stop, and start anew.

I've had multiple stressing, mood swings and quite a few break downs. The most recent was Friday night's panic attack because I googled Ectopic symptoms after reading JLT's blog about shoulder pain. Given my recent week of random shoulder pain, clomid cycle from hell etc. I admit to a slight panic attack. Thank you Stephanie for being here to bring me back down to earth.

Should FF be right, then ofcourse I just ovulated and the point would be moot as all the symptoms would have to have stemmed from a much earlier ovulation. Whoever said I was completely sane and in my right mind? Surely, not me!