Clomid Day 1

Today is supposed to be the day we start back on Clomid. I had decided due to recent financial strains, that we would put off TTC as much as I didn't want to. Then last weekend happened and my hopes were so high as were DH's.

He really doesn't want me putting off TTC, but I'm trying to be responsible. Honestly, all the things that can go wrong is scarying me to death on the tail end of a m/c and the allergy attack.

I had a mild allergic reaction last night, to my blessed Subway. Same sandwich at the Same location I always get. So there is one of two things that cold have happened:
1) They were busy and were not changing gloves between sandwiches so their gloves could have been contaminated by another food.
2) Something had mold in it (since I have a known mold allergy). This seems more probable to me.

The first thing I noticed was my lips went numb, and then the end of my tongue. My chest got blotchy red and then my face started turning pink. Then my stomach started rolling and my throat got a little itchy and I started coughing. I did manage to stay calm and took a swig of liquid benedryl which promptly knocked my arse out within 10 minutes. I slept through everything else.

This morning my face felt hot but wasn't red so I just drank A LOT of water and I feel okay now. Chest feels a little tight today but I stayed calm and the benedryl kicked it. So that's good.

Not so good when I'm thinking about taking Clomid. Does NOT help the decision. I've been putting it off because I know my husband doesn't want to talk about it. It makes him upset but its tonight or never. We have to discuss this.

I honestly don't know what I want to do. TTC and deal with it as it comes or wait. AGAIN. On one shoulder is a voice saying: You have waited over three years through your struggles of TTC, don't put it off now. On the other, You have waited this long, its not like its going to matter since you will never have a kid anyway.

What to do, what to do.

POAS 2010 is Over

I'm calling it this morning. BFN. I swear there was a trace of brown blood in my urine this morning but I tested anyway with the pink dye FRER. Nothing to interpret. Negative. Couple all that with the drop in temp and its over.

I honestly do not know what happened. There is no denying THREE faint positive tests, a thermal shift or the insanely long LP that should have resulted in a pregnancy. I don't know if you could call this a CP without a Dr.'s confirmation and I don't know if I want to know.

When I throw these peesticks away, I will also be throwing away our last dreams of a 2010 baby.

The best I can hope for this morning is to go to church and pray that god gives me peace with this, because right now, I'm not okay with it.

Ultimate disappointment

It wasn't even three days ago I laughed at a commercial that said "1 in 4 women can mis-read a pregnancy test". Apparently, everyone I know, including myself can misread a pregnancy test.

I admit it. I took two last night. The uber cheap store brand pink dye tests. There was no mistaking a faint plus sign. We both saw it. I took pictures and texted it to several of my BOTB girls for second (third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc.) opinions. They all saw it. Around me, there was giddyness and celebration while I tried to maintain some composure. My heart was leaping, I could hardly breathe. My head was still saying "PROCEED WITH CAUTION!"

I hardly slept. About two hours in, I got up and collected my pee and took my temp. My temp had fallen below the cover line and I cried. Then I realized I had not even been asleep for two hours or so. When I got up like normal this morning, my temp was 97.9 so I poured out the other pee and peed again.

I was on the way out the door but discovered my sick old dog had exploded her bowels all over my livingroom carpet. She hasn't used the bathroom in the house in over 12 years. She's a very sick girl. I spent the next two hours gagging and cleaning up poop and steam cleaning my carpets with Resolve. I still have work to do but for now, my carpet has to dry.

So I took a shower and raced to Walgreens. I got not only a digital but a regular pink dye FRER. I used the FMU and got a big FAT NEGATIVE with the digital. My heart fell to the floor and I thought I was going to stop breathing. I did the pink dye. Negative though I swear I could see a faint shadow of a line.

But you know what? A line isn't always a line. Sometimes its just a shadow. I'm like 18 dpo. There is no way a digital could not detect HSG in FMU at 18 dpo. I am not pregnant. And I just wasted $45.00 on what I knew to be true yesterday.

The lesson here, is do not buy cheap tests. Do not look at shadows and do not get excited until you see a fucking ultrasound. Listen to your gut. When you know what your body does, believe your instinct, not the little hopeful voices that say "there is always a first time for everything." No. Not in the world of my broken uterus.

Excuse me while I go back to cleaning up the dog shit that is both literally and metaphorically my life today.

I'm a Procrastinator, In Case You Didn't know

Most people have to be talked down from POAS too early. 7 dpo, if their chart looks good, they are itching to cock their leg on a pretty pink stick like a dog marking its territory.

This very feminine response is somehow absent from me. POAS scares the bajezus out of me. I haven't ever used that many in my lifetime. One or two when I first started trying but in the past 2 years? TWO. Both were positive within a day of each other. The second one was because I simply didn't believe the first one.

Last month I had to pee at the Dr.'s office before I had the lung scans just to make sure. The nurse and Dr. were so callous towards me anyway and their delivery of the news that it was negative hurt me deeply. They were so flippant about it, but these were the most rude, uncaring dr.'s I've ever come across in my lifetime. Seriously. I guess being a lung specialist doesn't require you to care about anyone. But I digress.

So despite the fact that I'm 16 dpo, I continue to put off buying a pregnancy test. TCOYF says that if you go 18 dpo above the cover line, you are pregnant. Well, no discredit to you, TCOYF, but I'm not buying it until I see a positive test even though that's EXACTLY what happened to my last BFP.

Why you ask? Because not only am I a procrastinator, but I'm also a pessimist. Let me count the reasons I am not pregnant:
1) I have no clue if we had sex remotely close to the right time (DH thinks we did).
2) We didn't use Preconcieve and I have sucktastic CM if any at all.
3) I've never ovulated on my own
4) My body hates me.
5) My temperatures are hovering, not really rising

But to be fair, I'll recount why I COULD be.
1) I had INSANE, unexplainable back pain around my kidneys for several days which is identical to what I felt with the first BFP.
2) I'm having more gas than normal (and this morning the gas bubbles are hovering in my back and it hurts like hell).
3) Stupid FF is showing a tentative ovulation.
4) My temperatures are hovering which again, is reminiscent of my BFP.

I'm scared. I'm scared of seeing a negative after this hope. I'm scared of seeing a positive after what we went through last time. Therefore, I'm putting off POAS. If I put it off long enough, my head tells me AF will show up (but if miracle of miracles I AM PREGNANT, I know this isn't true.)

All Systems Are Go...

Except my brain. Dr. called in perscription for Metformin and Clomid. So everything is set to begin when AF shows up.

I should be ecstatic, elated, excited and any other e word for happy you can think of.

Instead I'm sitting at my desk scared shitless. I'm past the M/C but not over it. I'm scared of the changes to come, both with Clomid and pregnancy and even a baby. I'm scared to death of going through a Miscarriage again. I don't know if my heart can take it.

I want a baby this year, but I'm truly apprehensive about doing this whole thing again.

And the little devil on my shoulder is taunting me with my recent health issues on top of it.

::curls in a ball and hyperventilites::

I did it

I called the Dr. I'm waiting on a return call.

I'm trying to get my life back on track. It's been derailed several times but I refuse to give up. I refuse to let all of it keep me from my dreams of a family.

I WILL PREVAIL damn it. I will hold my baby in my arms and I will make my husband a father.

I will have a cherub cheeked youngun' running rampant through my garden and being chased by my Doxie's. I WILL listen to childish squeels in a splashing pool and I will complain about lack of sleep during the first few years.

A phone call to the DR. and some medical bills will not keep me from this. I REFUSE to give in.

I'm a chickenshit.

I'm on day 18 or so of my last cycle of TTA. (which requires nothing more from me than not taking fertility drugs.) If we are going to TTC, I need to call the Dr. and get back on Met and get the Clomid ready. Every day I put it off for another day. Before too long, it will be too late.

I'm feeling better physically. I'm hoping I am moving beyond the crazywhateverthefuckitwas thing. DH is ready to try again and I would love to have a baby before the end of 2010.

So why can't I make my fingers dial the freakin' phone to the Dr.? Someone Kick me.