I’ve come to the conclusion that only the strong are cursed with and survive IF. In an age of pure impatience when people feel abnormal and bitter when they haven’t conceived after 2 cycles of trying, it must mean those of us who continue to fight and have lasted for years in this process are miraculous in and of ourselves for our strength of character alone.
It takes strength, character, patience, hope and bravery to face Infertility. Some infertility cases are a lot easier to diagnose and treat; some are harder. None should be diminished. Even with the mildest of treatments, there are still consequences, emotional roller coasters, side effects etc.
I am fortunate in my own way, in that some of the simpler treatments worked for me. Clomid + Metformin + Preconcieve = Success. That was my miracle formula. It took a few months to get it right after several months of Charting, Dr.’s appts, and tests for the diagnosis to get to that point. Overall it took 2 years 6 months to conceive. Then we miscarried which brought a whole new set of emotions, fears, months of waiting while dealing with my emotional state. Then a Chemical Pregnancy and a few more months of waiting (on me.) Finally our miracle formula again for a few months and Success with HLB. Even the easier treatment (compared to shots, IUI, IVF etc, multiple meds etc) are not “easy.”
With each passing day, negative thoughts creep into your head. WHAT IF I can’t ever carry to term? WHAT IF I can’t conceive again? WHAT IS the next step? Etc. Etc. I did not have to continue on searching for answers and help. I can’t say for sure that this is the end all for me because I’m not yet holding my baby and I’ve been around long enough to know that things can happen late in the game but I choose not to think about that. I’ve made it this far and for me I’m hoping the worst is over (aside from that pesky C-section it looks like I’m going to HAVE TO HAVE thanks to a low-lying placenta).
For those that are still fighting this fight, it’s not over and even through my happiness and sometimes my silence, I worry with them, I pray for them, and I continue to hope for them. I continue to follow stories and medical practices to see what their Success formula will be. IF is a sisterhood, not a fun one like my Gamma Sigma Sigma girls, but a sisterhood none the less. The Loss Club is not one you ever want to be in but its there none the less as well. You can’t identify us by big letters across our chests or dainty pendants on a necklace. Sometimes, you can identify us by a simple pink and blue ribbon that we may wear or a red thread bracelet around our wrists or even a Baby’s foot Seashell necklace. We are out there, and we are (Army) strong and we are fighting a battle with our own bodies. Sometimes, we are an “Army of One” and sometimes we find each other to provide support.
It takes a strong woman to suffer through and conquer IF. We are not weak, we are not pitiful and we are not broken (as much as we think we are). I am continually amazed by women around me who have exhibited strength far beyond what I had to endure and continue to traverse this IF journey though their difficulties have been many. We are warriors, fighters, and the strongest for we can deal with what others would have trouble facing. We learn to stand proud and continue on the roughest roads. WE ARE the epitome of STRENGTH.
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Being an Obese Mom
It’s hard to look at oneself honestly and even harder to admit to the world at large our major flaws but in the spirit of full disclosure (and the fact that ya’ll have seen my pictures) I am not only a woman living with PCOS but also obesity (partly stemming from the PCOS). I have not lived the healthiest of lifestyles. Not to cast blame but before I knew about the PCOS I would try diets and exercise routines and I would get extremely frustrated at the lack of losing weight so I would give up. I’ve been fighting my weight for years. I basically do not know how to live without fighting my weight.
After being diagnosed with PCOS, I started reading, researching and learning. Combined with my recently developed food allergies, I lost almost 46 pounds before getting pregnant again. Even though my Dr. told me he was not too concerned with my weight because of how my body carried it etc. something in me (that little fat girl that has been mocked and pushed down for years) blamed me for my miscarriage. The one thing I have also been labeled and had other’s (and myself) blame me for was being fat so naturally I blame myself and my weight for losing the one thing I wanted most. My Dr. tells me its not true and statistics tell me its not true, but I can’t help but wonder. So I worked really hard and before this pregnancy lost the weight. Is it healthy that I’m so obsessed DURING my pregnancy with my weight creeping up? Probably not. But I take the high risk specialist’s advice seriously when he recommended I don’t gain ANYTHING! I’ve been trying I swear. I did really well until week 14 when the weight started piling on. I’ve gained 6 pounds in the past two weeks without changing my eating habits…which means, I have to change my eating habits to counter act the baby growing. (Baby is already helping in this area by turning me into a vegetarian me thinks. Baby must have been listening to that conversation! LOL)
If you read WTEWYE, it makes fat people out to be monsters if they choose to get pregnant before being “ideal weight.” What they don’t mention is that sometimes you take the risk because if you wait till you have lost all the weight, then you are a lot older and your fertility issues are even further along so you reduce your change of conception and increase your chance of other baby related issues. It’s like being forced to choose between two evils and either way you go you are chancing the health of your baby (and yourself). It’s not a fun place to be and if I think too hard about it, panic and fear sets in at the chance I made the wrong choice and am a horrible person for choosing to bring a baby into this world as a fat mom. I wish I had been diagnosed in my early 20’s and had a longer time frame for counteracting this and my choices may have been different but I didn’t have that choice or time frame to work with.
I found an article that brings up the weight issues in Health magazine (May 2009) called FAT by Ginny Graves. I’m not going to review the article because basically any article talking about obesity in women is a fear mongering article but mostly, they should be. People are more scared of cigarettes than fast food and in today’s society, they probably should be about equal (slight exaggeration but it’s not all together false. A burger may not kill you but a lifestyle of fast food surely will). Here are some facts, quotes etc. from the article that really stand out to me though:
“An astounding two-thirds of American adults, including 65 million women, are overweight or obese- a rise of 10 percent in just a decade. According to a new study, all adults in the United States will be overweight or obese in 40 years” at that rate.
“In fact, an ADA survey recently suggested that people are more afraid of shark attacks and snake bites than diabetes, even though diabetes contributes to more than 230,000 deaths every year-compared with 5-10 a year from sharks and snakes!”
“Being obese can lop as many as 20 years off your life.”
“1 Fat Ratchets up your risk for cancer.
2. Fat can make cancer treatment and recovery difficult.
3. It’s hard on your heart.
4. It makes exercise unappealing.
5. Fat is bad for your brain (more likely to have dementia in later life)
6. It doesn’t do much for your mood (no shit Sherlock)
7. Fat takes a toll on joints.
8. It puts pressure on your bladder.
9. It isn’t good for your other organs.
10. Fat may produce a backlash in the bedroom (low sex drive, performance issues, lack of enjoyment.)
11. It makes some medical tests tricky.
12. It may affect your medical care.
Some Doctors associate obesity with unpleasant character traits, like hostility, dishonesty, and poor hygiene, research has shown. In fact, in a survey of nearly 2,500 overweight and obese women, 69% said they’d been on the receiving end of a doctor’s bias. The result, according to a 2008 report from the Yale University Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, is that doctors spend less time with overweight patients and are even reluctant to perform preventive screenings and exams. (I have definitely been the victim of weight bias by a Dr. and it was an awful experience).
13. It can interfere with your fertility.
Obesity accounts for 6 percent of infertility cases in women. Too much body fat may produce too much estrogen, which can suppress ovulation. In one study, the probability of getting pregnant declined in women with BMIs higher than 29-and for every one-point increase in BMI, there was a 4 percent lower pregnancy rate. In other research, obese women had high levels of fats and inflammation in the fluid surrounding their eggs, an environment that could affect an egg’s developmental potential. Even a 5-10 percent weight loss may dramatically improve pregnancy rates, but it’s important to establish and maintain a healthy weight before trying to conceive.
14. It makes pregnancy riskier.
Overweight and obese women are more likely to have GD, Pre-E, and cesarean sections-all of which pose risks to mom and baby. They’re also 67 percent more likely to have a miscarriage than normal-weight women, researchers in the UK say. (sigh)
15. It may even affect your baby’s health.
In a study of nearly 15,000 mothers, more than 10,000 of whom had babies with birth defects, it was found that obesity was associated with seven birth defects, including spina bifida, heart defects, shortened limbs, and hernias. (::chews nails in terror::)
16. It may make asthma harder to treat.
17 It keeps you up at night.
18. It makes you less likely to be hired.
19. It can affect your bottom line. (earn less in jobs than normal-weight people).
That’s some pretty scary and powerful stuff. My advice to anyone who is overweight (whether extremely or not) is that you have to make the decisions based on all the factors not just weight but do whatever you can to lose weight before pregnancy and maintain a healthy low-gain DURING pregnancy. It’s not just a physical thing, it’s an emotional thing as well, and I question myself all the time if I can handle what happens should something be wrong with my baby because of what I CHOSE to do. Good luck to anyone with these decisions to make and anyone who is going down this same road. It’s not an easy journey no matter what choices you make.
I’m a 32 year old Obese woman with PCOS and Infertility who chose to get pregnant without losing as much weight as I probably should have versus waiting till I was possibly older with increased issues due to age and PCOS/IF and it haunts me even while I’m ecstatic to be carrying this precious child that I pray every day is healthy and not suffering from my choices.
After being diagnosed with PCOS, I started reading, researching and learning. Combined with my recently developed food allergies, I lost almost 46 pounds before getting pregnant again. Even though my Dr. told me he was not too concerned with my weight because of how my body carried it etc. something in me (that little fat girl that has been mocked and pushed down for years) blamed me for my miscarriage. The one thing I have also been labeled and had other’s (and myself) blame me for was being fat so naturally I blame myself and my weight for losing the one thing I wanted most. My Dr. tells me its not true and statistics tell me its not true, but I can’t help but wonder. So I worked really hard and before this pregnancy lost the weight. Is it healthy that I’m so obsessed DURING my pregnancy with my weight creeping up? Probably not. But I take the high risk specialist’s advice seriously when he recommended I don’t gain ANYTHING! I’ve been trying I swear. I did really well until week 14 when the weight started piling on. I’ve gained 6 pounds in the past two weeks without changing my eating habits…which means, I have to change my eating habits to counter act the baby growing. (Baby is already helping in this area by turning me into a vegetarian me thinks. Baby must have been listening to that conversation! LOL)
If you read WTEWYE, it makes fat people out to be monsters if they choose to get pregnant before being “ideal weight.” What they don’t mention is that sometimes you take the risk because if you wait till you have lost all the weight, then you are a lot older and your fertility issues are even further along so you reduce your change of conception and increase your chance of other baby related issues. It’s like being forced to choose between two evils and either way you go you are chancing the health of your baby (and yourself). It’s not a fun place to be and if I think too hard about it, panic and fear sets in at the chance I made the wrong choice and am a horrible person for choosing to bring a baby into this world as a fat mom. I wish I had been diagnosed in my early 20’s and had a longer time frame for counteracting this and my choices may have been different but I didn’t have that choice or time frame to work with.
I found an article that brings up the weight issues in Health magazine (May 2009) called FAT by Ginny Graves. I’m not going to review the article because basically any article talking about obesity in women is a fear mongering article but mostly, they should be. People are more scared of cigarettes than fast food and in today’s society, they probably should be about equal (slight exaggeration but it’s not all together false. A burger may not kill you but a lifestyle of fast food surely will). Here are some facts, quotes etc. from the article that really stand out to me though:
“An astounding two-thirds of American adults, including 65 million women, are overweight or obese- a rise of 10 percent in just a decade. According to a new study, all adults in the United States will be overweight or obese in 40 years” at that rate.
“In fact, an ADA survey recently suggested that people are more afraid of shark attacks and snake bites than diabetes, even though diabetes contributes to more than 230,000 deaths every year-compared with 5-10 a year from sharks and snakes!”
“Being obese can lop as many as 20 years off your life.”
“1 Fat Ratchets up your risk for cancer.
2. Fat can make cancer treatment and recovery difficult.
3. It’s hard on your heart.
4. It makes exercise unappealing.
5. Fat is bad for your brain (more likely to have dementia in later life)
6. It doesn’t do much for your mood (no shit Sherlock)
7. Fat takes a toll on joints.
8. It puts pressure on your bladder.
9. It isn’t good for your other organs.
10. Fat may produce a backlash in the bedroom (low sex drive, performance issues, lack of enjoyment.)
11. It makes some medical tests tricky.
12. It may affect your medical care.
Some Doctors associate obesity with unpleasant character traits, like hostility, dishonesty, and poor hygiene, research has shown. In fact, in a survey of nearly 2,500 overweight and obese women, 69% said they’d been on the receiving end of a doctor’s bias. The result, according to a 2008 report from the Yale University Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, is that doctors spend less time with overweight patients and are even reluctant to perform preventive screenings and exams. (I have definitely been the victim of weight bias by a Dr. and it was an awful experience).
13. It can interfere with your fertility.
Obesity accounts for 6 percent of infertility cases in women. Too much body fat may produce too much estrogen, which can suppress ovulation. In one study, the probability of getting pregnant declined in women with BMIs higher than 29-and for every one-point increase in BMI, there was a 4 percent lower pregnancy rate. In other research, obese women had high levels of fats and inflammation in the fluid surrounding their eggs, an environment that could affect an egg’s developmental potential. Even a 5-10 percent weight loss may dramatically improve pregnancy rates, but it’s important to establish and maintain a healthy weight before trying to conceive.
14. It makes pregnancy riskier.
Overweight and obese women are more likely to have GD, Pre-E, and cesarean sections-all of which pose risks to mom and baby. They’re also 67 percent more likely to have a miscarriage than normal-weight women, researchers in the UK say. (sigh)
15. It may even affect your baby’s health.
In a study of nearly 15,000 mothers, more than 10,000 of whom had babies with birth defects, it was found that obesity was associated with seven birth defects, including spina bifida, heart defects, shortened limbs, and hernias. (::chews nails in terror::)
16. It may make asthma harder to treat.
17 It keeps you up at night.
18. It makes you less likely to be hired.
19. It can affect your bottom line. (earn less in jobs than normal-weight people).
That’s some pretty scary and powerful stuff. My advice to anyone who is overweight (whether extremely or not) is that you have to make the decisions based on all the factors not just weight but do whatever you can to lose weight before pregnancy and maintain a healthy low-gain DURING pregnancy. It’s not just a physical thing, it’s an emotional thing as well, and I question myself all the time if I can handle what happens should something be wrong with my baby because of what I CHOSE to do. Good luck to anyone with these decisions to make and anyone who is going down this same road. It’s not an easy journey no matter what choices you make.
I’m a 32 year old Obese woman with PCOS and Infertility who chose to get pregnant without losing as much weight as I probably should have versus waiting till I was possibly older with increased issues due to age and PCOS/IF and it haunts me even while I’m ecstatic to be carrying this precious child that I pray every day is healthy and not suffering from my choices.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Undiagnosed PCOS
I am a woman living with PCOS. To be exact, I am the one in ten women living with PCOS. PCOS is the leading hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age and the main cause of infertility. I recently stumbled across an article in Health magazine (October 2009 by Harriet Brown and Kimberly Holland) that actually speaks frankly about it as one of the top 7 women’s issues that Doctors still miss today.
PCOS is most simply a woman having an imbalance in insulin (which regulates blood sugar) and causes the typical male hormones to have too high of levels (all women have them but in a woman with PCOS, they are higher). The abnormally high levels of insulin also “bombard the ovaries, causing them to produce too much testosterone and develop cysts. Half of all women with PCOS end up with pre-diabetes or diabetes.”
Symptoms include:
Irregular periods or none at all (check)
More hair on face, chest, back, and limbs (check)
Acne (check)
Baldness (thank goodness that’s not a check for me)
Rapid, substantial weight gain that seems impossible to control(triple check and check some more)
There is no conclusive test for this disorder but several small tests plus your symptoms can help a Dr. determine a diagnosis. “Check your reproductive organs for signs of masses or growths using a pelvic or vaginal ultrasound and physical exam. Blood tests are used to measure levels of glucose and several hormones; they also can exclude abnormalities, like hypothyroidism, that mimic PCOS.”
Unfortunately, there is no fix for PCOS. There are treatments that focus on the symptoms and help with fertility issues, limiting risk of diabetes and heart disease. “Birth Control pills help regulate menstrual cycles, lower androgen levels, reduce hair growth, and clear up acne. Metformin, which controls blood glucose and lowers testosterone production, can help you lose weight.”
Birth control has its own set of side effects and risks though especially after 35 years of age.
I have dealt with PCOS since puberty even before I knew I had it. Had I been properly diagnosed back then, I may have avoided some of the things I have been through in my life and been properly prepared for the fertility issues I faced. PCOS is very real and very painful (emotionally). PCOS can also trigger other issues like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome due to the hormonal imbalance. Being diagnosed with PCOS does not provide an instant remedy or even a totally confined diagnosis/path.
What really hit home about the article is that “More than 40% of women who are eventually diagnosed…have basically been told that they’re just too concerned with their health or they’re a hypochondriac.” What it forgot to say is that we’ve also been told “there is no reason, you are just fat because you eat too much. Quit putting food in your mouth and get off your lazy arse.” Yea, because in a body conscious society when you are trying every diet known to man and nothing is working, a comment like that is going to help.
We have been stigmatized, made fun of, struggled and defined by something most of us didn’t even know we had. I’ve become a stronger person since being diagnosed. I know more about my body then I ever hoped to (with much more to learn) and I have found a passion to share my knowledge with others and teach my children so they do not suffer from ignorance.
Knowing is half the battle. Arm yourselves with knowledge and help others get the tools to fight. Through information, proper diet, modern medicine etc. we can help ourselves and others to be prepared and live with a brighter future. Pregnancy does not fix PCOS and nothing I do will ever make it go away.
PCOS is most simply a woman having an imbalance in insulin (which regulates blood sugar) and causes the typical male hormones to have too high of levels (all women have them but in a woman with PCOS, they are higher). The abnormally high levels of insulin also “bombard the ovaries, causing them to produce too much testosterone and develop cysts. Half of all women with PCOS end up with pre-diabetes or diabetes.”
Symptoms include:
Irregular periods or none at all (check)
More hair on face, chest, back, and limbs (check)
Acne (check)
Baldness (thank goodness that’s not a check for me)
Rapid, substantial weight gain that seems impossible to control(triple check and check some more)
There is no conclusive test for this disorder but several small tests plus your symptoms can help a Dr. determine a diagnosis. “Check your reproductive organs for signs of masses or growths using a pelvic or vaginal ultrasound and physical exam. Blood tests are used to measure levels of glucose and several hormones; they also can exclude abnormalities, like hypothyroidism, that mimic PCOS.”
Unfortunately, there is no fix for PCOS. There are treatments that focus on the symptoms and help with fertility issues, limiting risk of diabetes and heart disease. “Birth Control pills help regulate menstrual cycles, lower androgen levels, reduce hair growth, and clear up acne. Metformin, which controls blood glucose and lowers testosterone production, can help you lose weight.”
Birth control has its own set of side effects and risks though especially after 35 years of age.
I have dealt with PCOS since puberty even before I knew I had it. Had I been properly diagnosed back then, I may have avoided some of the things I have been through in my life and been properly prepared for the fertility issues I faced. PCOS is very real and very painful (emotionally). PCOS can also trigger other issues like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome due to the hormonal imbalance. Being diagnosed with PCOS does not provide an instant remedy or even a totally confined diagnosis/path.
What really hit home about the article is that “More than 40% of women who are eventually diagnosed…have basically been told that they’re just too concerned with their health or they’re a hypochondriac.” What it forgot to say is that we’ve also been told “there is no reason, you are just fat because you eat too much. Quit putting food in your mouth and get off your lazy arse.” Yea, because in a body conscious society when you are trying every diet known to man and nothing is working, a comment like that is going to help.
We have been stigmatized, made fun of, struggled and defined by something most of us didn’t even know we had. I’ve become a stronger person since being diagnosed. I know more about my body then I ever hoped to (with much more to learn) and I have found a passion to share my knowledge with others and teach my children so they do not suffer from ignorance.
Knowing is half the battle. Arm yourselves with knowledge and help others get the tools to fight. Through information, proper diet, modern medicine etc. we can help ourselves and others to be prepared and live with a brighter future. Pregnancy does not fix PCOS and nothing I do will ever make it go away.
Monday, October 4, 2010
I'm Breaking Up with Ladies Home Journal
My Great-aunt Doris has several women’s magazine prescriptions. After the magazines have made their rounds through the family, they end up coming to me so I can pick through them for recipes etc. Going through a stack of them this weekend I discovered an article in Ladies Home Journal (July 2010) by Catherine Bolgar (who I now believe is a complete idiot) on Birth Control that struck me the wrong way.
In my opinion, there were several misleading statements and an overall underplayed message about women’s fertility. Even our journalism is continuing this cycle of not educating women about their fertility and how their body works. It disturbs me greatly.
The first and second sentence of the article rubbed me the wrong way: “It seems as though every week another celebrity is talking about her quest to have a baby. There’s so much focus on infertility in the media these days that it’s easy to forget you can get pregnant right up until menopause.” WHAT? There is very little TRUE information about infertility in the media. The “celebrities” CHOOSE to have IVF, Multiples etc because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. Thank you Ladies Home Journal for being so blasé about a very real issue that is certainly NOT discussed as it should be in the media.
Under the category of Single and Dating, one of the methods recommended is an IUD. “is much less trouble and works up to 12 years with lowest failure rates.” No mention of what COULD happen should you get pregnant with an IUD or the increasing frequency of pregnancies, ectopics and miscarriages with the IUD, not to mention that IUD’s can move with as little as a 10 pound weight increase or drop. More and more information is being learned about IUD’s, and info is changing all the time, for them to be so flippant about recommending this to a young woman.
Then there is the contradictory statements: “It can take you as long as a year to get pregnant after stopping Depo shots.” Very next sentence: “Talk to your doctor if you have trouble conceiving six months after suspending birth control.” Well, if it takes you up to a year as a healthy couple or AFTER suspending the shots, shouldn’t you wait 12 months before getting panicky? They go on to say, “the doctor uses the date you last ovulated to calculate your baby’s due date.” Why NO, no they don’t. They use your OVULATION date IF YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, which the majority of women don’t and thanks to YOUR article probably won’t. They use the first cycle day (day 1 of your last period) and add 14 days to get an ESTIMATED Due date.
By this time I’m getting highly irritated at the complete lack of intelligence in the article but the next paragraph lends a doozy. “You can get pregnant a month after the baby is born, especially if you’re not breast-feeding.” Whoa. 1) I would hope you aren’t having sex in that first month as it is doubtful the doctor will release you for 6 weeks so shouldn’t that be 2 months? 2) The way that sentence is written leads you to believe if you are breast feeding you won’t get pregnant. WRONG.
Not ONE explanation of how your body works, the varying times of ovulation, not relying on the 14 day method etc. At the very end of the article they do a chart of options and the very last option with a blip for explanation: “Monitoring Your Fertility-This method has no hormones and is inexpensive but somewhat complicated. Has a high failure rate of 3-25%.”
O.M.G. No explanation as to WHAT it is, HOW you do it, etc. How fucking complicated is taking your damn temperature every morning and plugging it in to a chart? How hard is it to write a three sentence semi explanation and refer them to books or online resources should they want to investigate this method further. The whole article is promoting the IUD and even talks about sterilization but can’t even mention properly how to monitor your fertility or lack thereof?
This outdated view of requiring medical intervention, procedures or hormone inducing contraceptives pisses me off. We are not TEACHING women about our bodies and how they work and giving them the proper view of responsibility, we are shoving medications down their throats without blinking an eye. What kind of “journalist” and “women’s magazine” promotes that kind of misinformation? Do they really think they are helping women or are the writer’s and editors just that stupid?
The tag line touts “There are lots of choices…Here’s how to decide which method makes the most sense for your body and your life stage.” Yet, they do not give you real information, or an accurate overview. Way to go Ladies Home Journal. I am one of the least “crunchy” people I know, but I do not believe in belittling a woman’s intelligence and giving out such poorly written and researched information. You are officially off my reading list and I will shout it from the highest hills that you are the poorest choice for women’s health issues. You are basically a magazine with fluff ads on surgical weight loss and facelifts but have no care to represent what the majority of women NEED to know. How does it feel to be complete journalistic sell outs to your advertising dollars? You make me sick.
In my opinion, there were several misleading statements and an overall underplayed message about women’s fertility. Even our journalism is continuing this cycle of not educating women about their fertility and how their body works. It disturbs me greatly.
The first and second sentence of the article rubbed me the wrong way: “It seems as though every week another celebrity is talking about her quest to have a baby. There’s so much focus on infertility in the media these days that it’s easy to forget you can get pregnant right up until menopause.” WHAT? There is very little TRUE information about infertility in the media. The “celebrities” CHOOSE to have IVF, Multiples etc because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. Thank you Ladies Home Journal for being so blasé about a very real issue that is certainly NOT discussed as it should be in the media.
Under the category of Single and Dating, one of the methods recommended is an IUD. “is much less trouble and works up to 12 years with lowest failure rates.” No mention of what COULD happen should you get pregnant with an IUD or the increasing frequency of pregnancies, ectopics and miscarriages with the IUD, not to mention that IUD’s can move with as little as a 10 pound weight increase or drop. More and more information is being learned about IUD’s, and info is changing all the time, for them to be so flippant about recommending this to a young woman.
Then there is the contradictory statements: “It can take you as long as a year to get pregnant after stopping Depo shots.” Very next sentence: “Talk to your doctor if you have trouble conceiving six months after suspending birth control.” Well, if it takes you up to a year as a healthy couple or AFTER suspending the shots, shouldn’t you wait 12 months before getting panicky? They go on to say, “the doctor uses the date you last ovulated to calculate your baby’s due date.” Why NO, no they don’t. They use your OVULATION date IF YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, which the majority of women don’t and thanks to YOUR article probably won’t. They use the first cycle day (day 1 of your last period) and add 14 days to get an ESTIMATED Due date.
By this time I’m getting highly irritated at the complete lack of intelligence in the article but the next paragraph lends a doozy. “You can get pregnant a month after the baby is born, especially if you’re not breast-feeding.” Whoa. 1) I would hope you aren’t having sex in that first month as it is doubtful the doctor will release you for 6 weeks so shouldn’t that be 2 months? 2) The way that sentence is written leads you to believe if you are breast feeding you won’t get pregnant. WRONG.
Not ONE explanation of how your body works, the varying times of ovulation, not relying on the 14 day method etc. At the very end of the article they do a chart of options and the very last option with a blip for explanation: “Monitoring Your Fertility-This method has no hormones and is inexpensive but somewhat complicated. Has a high failure rate of 3-25%.”
O.M.G. No explanation as to WHAT it is, HOW you do it, etc. How fucking complicated is taking your damn temperature every morning and plugging it in to a chart? How hard is it to write a three sentence semi explanation and refer them to books or online resources should they want to investigate this method further. The whole article is promoting the IUD and even talks about sterilization but can’t even mention properly how to monitor your fertility or lack thereof?
This outdated view of requiring medical intervention, procedures or hormone inducing contraceptives pisses me off. We are not TEACHING women about our bodies and how they work and giving them the proper view of responsibility, we are shoving medications down their throats without blinking an eye. What kind of “journalist” and “women’s magazine” promotes that kind of misinformation? Do they really think they are helping women or are the writer’s and editors just that stupid?
The tag line touts “There are lots of choices…Here’s how to decide which method makes the most sense for your body and your life stage.” Yet, they do not give you real information, or an accurate overview. Way to go Ladies Home Journal. I am one of the least “crunchy” people I know, but I do not believe in belittling a woman’s intelligence and giving out such poorly written and researched information. You are officially off my reading list and I will shout it from the highest hills that you are the poorest choice for women’s health issues. You are basically a magazine with fluff ads on surgical weight loss and facelifts but have no care to represent what the majority of women NEED to know. How does it feel to be complete journalistic sell outs to your advertising dollars? You make me sick.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I don't know HOW to be pregnant
I know nothing about being pregnant. IF, TTC or PCOS? I’ve got that covered. I’ve researched PCOS, diets for PCOS, treatments for PCOS. I’ve struggled with emotions of inferiority, bitterness, inadequacy, etc. I KNOW how to handle those. I can spout side-effects and statistics of Clomid in my sleep. I’ve read Fertility Books and what to do and not to do in the first trimester.
Now, I am in territory I’ve never been in and suddenly realize I have no clue what I am doing. All my knowledge and know how is out the window because I’ve never READ this far or BEEN this far. I’m entering a phase where I could be asking stupid questions and getting side-eyed because I feel like a moron.
I still THINK like an IFer and Miscarriage survivor. Those are still my identities. I do not think like a pregnant woman going in to her 2nd Trimester. I don’t know HOW to do that. Who knew those feelings of inadequacy and inferiority would continue on but with new direction? I surely didn’t. (and don’t call me Shirley)
For example today’s “What I don’t know”: Is cracked lips, dry bloody nose and tight chest and itchy skin normal? Is it because I’m pumping more blood and need even more water to keep hydrated as I’m sharing with the baby? I know I’m supposed to drink more water than normal but I feel like I’m trying to water the Sarah Dessert with a garden sprinkler here.
So what do I need to know? What books do you recommend for me? I have the Pregnancy Bible and I’ve been reading that. I have What to Expect stashed somewhere though I admit, I’ve never been a big fan of that book since I read some of its fear mongering.
If you could leave me and my readers any piece of information what would it be? Could be a book recommendation, a to do list, etc.
Now, I am in territory I’ve never been in and suddenly realize I have no clue what I am doing. All my knowledge and know how is out the window because I’ve never READ this far or BEEN this far. I’m entering a phase where I could be asking stupid questions and getting side-eyed because I feel like a moron.
I still THINK like an IFer and Miscarriage survivor. Those are still my identities. I do not think like a pregnant woman going in to her 2nd Trimester. I don’t know HOW to do that. Who knew those feelings of inadequacy and inferiority would continue on but with new direction? I surely didn’t. (and don’t call me Shirley)
For example today’s “What I don’t know”: Is cracked lips, dry bloody nose and tight chest and itchy skin normal? Is it because I’m pumping more blood and need even more water to keep hydrated as I’m sharing with the baby? I know I’m supposed to drink more water than normal but I feel like I’m trying to water the Sarah Dessert with a garden sprinkler here.
So what do I need to know? What books do you recommend for me? I have the Pregnancy Bible and I’ve been reading that. I have What to Expect stashed somewhere though I admit, I’ve never been a big fan of that book since I read some of its fear mongering.
If you could leave me and my readers any piece of information what would it be? Could be a book recommendation, a to do list, etc.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What IF?
Everyone has there ups and downs. We all know IF, pregnancy etc is a roller coaster and I have said it many times before. If you have read my blog for even five minutes you know I’m an emotional Six Flags all on my own. I just talked about being the strong one for everyone around me but today I had an abject lesson in strength.
I’m having an off day. I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel well. My back aches, I’m tired, and I’m obviously whiney. As I texted Beth and she tried to support me and keep me optimistic which is usually the role I always try to take, I realized that we have opposite days. When she’s down, I’m up. When I’m down, she automatically takes the UP approach. We do this for each other. I do this for other’s and other’s do it for me. ALL.THE.TIME.
This is a hard road, but it is a little easier with people who understand and support each other around me. I WISH no one around me had to go through this. Its not something I wish on anyone and I would rather be alone if it meant no one else had to know the emotional and physical pain of IF and loss, but I can’t say that it doesn’t help to have these amazing women around me. “Pain is inevitable, Misery is Optional.”
My sister has actually been trying to read up on PCOS and what goes on. She admitted that her eyes kind of glaze over and it’s a LOT of information to digest and she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand Luteal Phases and basic reproduction of our bodies. She’s trying. It begs the question, would any of us know if we had not had issues or found online boards of knowledgeable women who did? Would we have taken the time to LEARN all this technical stuff if we didn’t have to? For someone to fully understand what I go through, they have to be educated on what our bodies do. Sometimes that’s hard for me to grasp, but I definitely appreciate that she is trying. She is trying to learn what my body doesn’t do and what to say during conversations that aren’t offensive. She read the IF article I sent and has read other’s IF blogs. I appreciate that. That is an amazing step in her support of me.
It makes me wonder if I should push for EVERYONE to learn this information even if they don’t know people with IF or loss (because so many people don’t ever let on). It’s like an embarrassment that people hide in the closet. They don’t want to bring people “down” by talking about their misfortune and dead babies. We can talk about breast cancer and prostate cancer till we are blue in the face. But we don’t talk about defective uteruses? That’s taboo? Really?
So what do I do? How do I educate people? Do I bite the bullet and contact my preacher about starting an IF related Journey group for other members of my church? Do I spread out and start a RESOLVE group in the triad? What if no one shows up? What if SEVERAL show up? How do I TEACH and HELP and SUPPORT them when I am still learning and struggling EVERY DAY? And what if…I get pregnant? Will that hurt them to see me pregnant and will it demean the message and the knowledge I’m trying to convey? Will I start a group only to disband it a few months later when I start showing? My preacher is starting a series on GO. Go out and minister in your backyard, to the world. Share the knowledge, but to me, God isn’t the only thing that needs addressing or sharing. When you have a very real pain, sometimes your relationship with God suffers and sometimes you turn more fully towards him. What if this is my chance to minister? What if Infertility and the struggle to create and supporting those going through it is my calling to share God’s love to others? What IF this is part of his plan for me?
What if I just DO it? What if I just quit asking questions and take action to help others on a more local scale? What IF?
I’m having an off day. I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel well. My back aches, I’m tired, and I’m obviously whiney. As I texted Beth and she tried to support me and keep me optimistic which is usually the role I always try to take, I realized that we have opposite days. When she’s down, I’m up. When I’m down, she automatically takes the UP approach. We do this for each other. I do this for other’s and other’s do it for me. ALL.THE.TIME.
This is a hard road, but it is a little easier with people who understand and support each other around me. I WISH no one around me had to go through this. Its not something I wish on anyone and I would rather be alone if it meant no one else had to know the emotional and physical pain of IF and loss, but I can’t say that it doesn’t help to have these amazing women around me. “Pain is inevitable, Misery is Optional.”
My sister has actually been trying to read up on PCOS and what goes on. She admitted that her eyes kind of glaze over and it’s a LOT of information to digest and she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand Luteal Phases and basic reproduction of our bodies. She’s trying. It begs the question, would any of us know if we had not had issues or found online boards of knowledgeable women who did? Would we have taken the time to LEARN all this technical stuff if we didn’t have to? For someone to fully understand what I go through, they have to be educated on what our bodies do. Sometimes that’s hard for me to grasp, but I definitely appreciate that she is trying. She is trying to learn what my body doesn’t do and what to say during conversations that aren’t offensive. She read the IF article I sent and has read other’s IF blogs. I appreciate that. That is an amazing step in her support of me.
It makes me wonder if I should push for EVERYONE to learn this information even if they don’t know people with IF or loss (because so many people don’t ever let on). It’s like an embarrassment that people hide in the closet. They don’t want to bring people “down” by talking about their misfortune and dead babies. We can talk about breast cancer and prostate cancer till we are blue in the face. But we don’t talk about defective uteruses? That’s taboo? Really?
So what do I do? How do I educate people? Do I bite the bullet and contact my preacher about starting an IF related Journey group for other members of my church? Do I spread out and start a RESOLVE group in the triad? What if no one shows up? What if SEVERAL show up? How do I TEACH and HELP and SUPPORT them when I am still learning and struggling EVERY DAY? And what if…I get pregnant? Will that hurt them to see me pregnant and will it demean the message and the knowledge I’m trying to convey? Will I start a group only to disband it a few months later when I start showing? My preacher is starting a series on GO. Go out and minister in your backyard, to the world. Share the knowledge, but to me, God isn’t the only thing that needs addressing or sharing. When you have a very real pain, sometimes your relationship with God suffers and sometimes you turn more fully towards him. What if this is my chance to minister? What if Infertility and the struggle to create and supporting those going through it is my calling to share God’s love to others? What IF this is part of his plan for me?
"10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
What if I just DO it? What if I just quit asking questions and take action to help others on a more local scale? What IF?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Metformin
Since today has been a discussion of drugs, let's go ahead and speak of the other one. Metformin. Typically a drug used for Type II diabetes but has also been prescribed recently for PCOS sufferers as it helps regulate insulin levels and hormones which keep the body from ovulating correctly. It has its own side effects which can be attributed to my issues of late just as easily as clomid though I distinctly remember having a few issues on just the clomid last time, but the worst? was definately when I started the IF cocktail as I like to call it.
Another resource that specifically talks about the side effects? HERE. I definately have the gas. Lord Help me do I have the gas. The nausea, seems to be sporadic, thank the heavens.
There isn't really anything to say about monitoring on Met. My GP says that Metformin is one of the mildest drugs out there with the fewest side effects. (probably meaning severe) and I should feel comfortable taking it despite all my allergy issues. (that only made me feel slightly better and still took me two months before I made the commitment and popped a pill. Did I have success? Yes. I don't know WHICH med/method etc worked because on the fourth cycle of Clomid I was also on the second cycle of Metformin and then we added Preconcieve. Was it one or all of the above or coincidence? We will never know, so for now, I'm dealing with the side effects in all their plentiful glory, and praying that it works again and I dont' have to stay on it for a few more months. I want this to be our month, our cycle, our sticky egg meets sperm and hangs out for nine months. In the meantime? I'm passing on information.
Another resource that specifically talks about the side effects? HERE. I definately have the gas. Lord Help me do I have the gas. The nausea, seems to be sporadic, thank the heavens.
There isn't really anything to say about monitoring on Met. My GP says that Metformin is one of the mildest drugs out there with the fewest side effects. (probably meaning severe) and I should feel comfortable taking it despite all my allergy issues. (that only made me feel slightly better and still took me two months before I made the commitment and popped a pill. Did I have success? Yes. I don't know WHICH med/method etc worked because on the fourth cycle of Clomid I was also on the second cycle of Metformin and then we added Preconcieve. Was it one or all of the above or coincidence? We will never know, so for now, I'm dealing with the side effects in all their plentiful glory, and praying that it works again and I dont' have to stay on it for a few more months. I want this to be our month, our cycle, our sticky egg meets sperm and hangs out for nine months. In the meantime? I'm passing on information.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Beginning Again and Infertility Awareness
This week is Infertility Awareness week. Something that has not been highly publisized or recognized despite the fact that it affects 7.3 million Americans. (I don't know the figure worldwide). It is not limited to women and is a highly emotional and often complicated process for couples. It is heartbreaking, devastating and all consuming in their lives.
As you all know, I know this. I've been struggling for over three years now to have a child with one pregnancy ending towards the end of the first trimester and one chemical pregnancy. But I am, unfortunately, not alone in this fight. There are others. Hundreds of others. Like the fun and talented Jenny. The ambitious and beautiful Mrs.S. The vivacious Johanna.. The Very zen and spirited American Tribal. The beautiful and amazingly strong Jeanna. And the sweet and hopeful Dee. These women are just a FEW of the amazing women I have met that suffer along with me.
Infertility hurts. The common comfort sayings that issue from people's mouths without thought such as "Relax" and "When the time is right" do not help. Telling me you had trouble getting pregnant when it took you two months, is not even close to being comparable. Telling me you have ADHD and understand what its like to go through life broken? Bitch please. You have no idea.
For everyone out there reading this, whether you suffer from infertility or not, please educate yourselves. Spread the word this week so that other women can have the support and understanding they need. Visit sites, read statistics. Hug your friends who are suffering.
I have an amazing network of women and bloggers who are supportive. Do we always say the right things to each other even though we KNOW what catch phrases are meaningless? Absolutely not. As a society we seem to be programmed with certain "comfort" phrases that vomit forth automatically. Faith phrases may be fine for one but a slap in the face for someone else. No one is perfect. Even those that suffer from the same issues can slip up with someone else, but you can tell when someone is sincerely offering understanding and comfort from someone who just has diahrea of the mouth and is clueless. No matter what though, they need understanding. Just shut up and listen sometimes. You can't fix it. Nothing you say will fix it or make it go away or make it easier. Infertility is a lonely dark road full of depression, excitement, and fear. It's often a long journey with crossroads, straying paths, and broken bridges. It's a journey that so many of us are forced to take without choice.
It is not my job as an infertile woman to provide a home for all the orphans out there. Could that be a possibility in our future. Yes. By all means it may be. But I will not adopt a child as a substitute for a biological child. I will adopt one because I want to. So please don't say "you can always adopt." Adoption comes with its own heartaches, struggles, budget and pitfalls. It's a beautiful and amazing thing but its not the answer for everyone and is not the responsibility of those of us who have trouble. Life isn't fair but we shouldn't be looked down upon as inferior because of a medical condition that we have no control over. Again, Educate yourselves and those around you. You never know who is going to go through this that you may know.
And with that, I will end by saying it is fitting in a way, that this week I finally stepped up to the plate. I took my medicine. Literally. Last night was the first night of clomid. We are TTC with medical help once again. So in this week, while I stand up and recognize Infertility for everyone and encourage you to spread the word for all of us, I continue the effort for that one thing that will complete us...a baby of our own.
All my love to all my girls and I pray that 2011 will be a wonderful birth year for our little ones.
As you all know, I know this. I've been struggling for over three years now to have a child with one pregnancy ending towards the end of the first trimester and one chemical pregnancy. But I am, unfortunately, not alone in this fight. There are others. Hundreds of others. Like the fun and talented Jenny. The ambitious and beautiful Mrs.S. The vivacious Johanna.. The Very zen and spirited American Tribal. The beautiful and amazingly strong Jeanna. And the sweet and hopeful Dee. These women are just a FEW of the amazing women I have met that suffer along with me.
Infertility hurts. The common comfort sayings that issue from people's mouths without thought such as "Relax" and "When the time is right" do not help. Telling me you had trouble getting pregnant when it took you two months, is not even close to being comparable. Telling me you have ADHD and understand what its like to go through life broken? Bitch please. You have no idea.
For everyone out there reading this, whether you suffer from infertility or not, please educate yourselves. Spread the word this week so that other women can have the support and understanding they need. Visit sites, read statistics. Hug your friends who are suffering.
I have an amazing network of women and bloggers who are supportive. Do we always say the right things to each other even though we KNOW what catch phrases are meaningless? Absolutely not. As a society we seem to be programmed with certain "comfort" phrases that vomit forth automatically. Faith phrases may be fine for one but a slap in the face for someone else. No one is perfect. Even those that suffer from the same issues can slip up with someone else, but you can tell when someone is sincerely offering understanding and comfort from someone who just has diahrea of the mouth and is clueless. No matter what though, they need understanding. Just shut up and listen sometimes. You can't fix it. Nothing you say will fix it or make it go away or make it easier. Infertility is a lonely dark road full of depression, excitement, and fear. It's often a long journey with crossroads, straying paths, and broken bridges. It's a journey that so many of us are forced to take without choice.
It is not my job as an infertile woman to provide a home for all the orphans out there. Could that be a possibility in our future. Yes. By all means it may be. But I will not adopt a child as a substitute for a biological child. I will adopt one because I want to. So please don't say "you can always adopt." Adoption comes with its own heartaches, struggles, budget and pitfalls. It's a beautiful and amazing thing but its not the answer for everyone and is not the responsibility of those of us who have trouble. Life isn't fair but we shouldn't be looked down upon as inferior because of a medical condition that we have no control over. Again, Educate yourselves and those around you. You never know who is going to go through this that you may know.
And with that, I will end by saying it is fitting in a way, that this week I finally stepped up to the plate. I took my medicine. Literally. Last night was the first night of clomid. We are TTC with medical help once again. So in this week, while I stand up and recognize Infertility for everyone and encourage you to spread the word for all of us, I continue the effort for that one thing that will complete us...a baby of our own.
All my love to all my girls and I pray that 2011 will be a wonderful birth year for our little ones.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Clomid Day 1
Today is supposed to be the day we start back on Clomid. I had decided due to recent financial strains, that we would put off TTC as much as I didn't want to. Then last weekend happened and my hopes were so high as were DH's.
He really doesn't want me putting off TTC, but I'm trying to be responsible. Honestly, all the things that can go wrong is scarying me to death on the tail end of a m/c and the allergy attack.
I had a mild allergic reaction last night, to my blessed Subway. Same sandwich at the Same location I always get. So there is one of two things that cold have happened:
1) They were busy and were not changing gloves between sandwiches so their gloves could have been contaminated by another food.
2) Something had mold in it (since I have a known mold allergy). This seems more probable to me.
The first thing I noticed was my lips went numb, and then the end of my tongue. My chest got blotchy red and then my face started turning pink. Then my stomach started rolling and my throat got a little itchy and I started coughing. I did manage to stay calm and took a swig of liquid benedryl which promptly knocked my arse out within 10 minutes. I slept through everything else.
This morning my face felt hot but wasn't red so I just drank A LOT of water and I feel okay now. Chest feels a little tight today but I stayed calm and the benedryl kicked it. So that's good.
Not so good when I'm thinking about taking Clomid. Does NOT help the decision. I've been putting it off because I know my husband doesn't want to talk about it. It makes him upset but its tonight or never. We have to discuss this.
I honestly don't know what I want to do. TTC and deal with it as it comes or wait. AGAIN. On one shoulder is a voice saying: You have waited over three years through your struggles of TTC, don't put it off now. On the other, You have waited this long, its not like its going to matter since you will never have a kid anyway.
What to do, what to do.
He really doesn't want me putting off TTC, but I'm trying to be responsible. Honestly, all the things that can go wrong is scarying me to death on the tail end of a m/c and the allergy attack.
I had a mild allergic reaction last night, to my blessed Subway. Same sandwich at the Same location I always get. So there is one of two things that cold have happened:
1) They were busy and were not changing gloves between sandwiches so their gloves could have been contaminated by another food.
2) Something had mold in it (since I have a known mold allergy). This seems more probable to me.
The first thing I noticed was my lips went numb, and then the end of my tongue. My chest got blotchy red and then my face started turning pink. Then my stomach started rolling and my throat got a little itchy and I started coughing. I did manage to stay calm and took a swig of liquid benedryl which promptly knocked my arse out within 10 minutes. I slept through everything else.
This morning my face felt hot but wasn't red so I just drank A LOT of water and I feel okay now. Chest feels a little tight today but I stayed calm and the benedryl kicked it. So that's good.
Not so good when I'm thinking about taking Clomid. Does NOT help the decision. I've been putting it off because I know my husband doesn't want to talk about it. It makes him upset but its tonight or never. We have to discuss this.
I honestly don't know what I want to do. TTC and deal with it as it comes or wait. AGAIN. On one shoulder is a voice saying: You have waited over three years through your struggles of TTC, don't put it off now. On the other, You have waited this long, its not like its going to matter since you will never have a kid anyway.
What to do, what to do.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Clomid: A New kind of Terrorism
As my husband is lying on the bed with his penis out, making comments and gestures, this is the conversation that transpires:
ME: “Are you really horny or something honey?” (I know, kind of a duh question with a man)
DH: “I’m trying to impregnate you. I can’t take many more months of this Clomid/Met stuff”
ME: “How do you think I feel?”
DH: “Yea, but you are like a terrorist. You strapped the bomb to your chest and I’m just the innocent bystander getting blown up.”
ME: “EXCUSE ME? I’m a terrorist…..(sputter sputter) and you are innocent?”
DH: “Okay, so maybe I’m more like the driver of the car, I KNOW you have the bomb strapped on, but I’m still innocent, but you are my friend. We are friendly suicide bombers.”
ME: “You may want to stop now, if you plan on having a chance in hell of impregnating me tonight. If you don’t like my crazy suicide bomber emotions now, what do you think is going to happen for the next 9 months?”
DH: “Yes, but at that point, I KNOW I’m getting something out of the deal at the end. I get a baby. Right now its just an unending walk in a mine field.”
ME: “So first I’m a terrorist suicide bomber and now I’m a mine field. Nice.”
DH: “Okay, so you are the Taliban begging for me to invade you. I know I’m going to get blown up but you are asking for it. So woman, prepare to be invaded.”
ME: “The Taliban huh? Invaded? You are such a romantic asshole.”
This is what happens when you marry an ex-marine. Everything in life becomes a military analogy, including IF. Yes ladies, my IF journey has now become my husbands crusade. He is conquering foreign lands and defeating IF with the shear force of his sperm army. His guns are loaded and he is making nightly forays into enemy territory laying siege to land waiting for the commanding egg to appear and the Talimoodswing Leader to change tactics. So far we have not won a battle, but we continue to storm the forts.
Oy Vey.
ME: “Are you really horny or something honey?” (I know, kind of a duh question with a man)
DH: “I’m trying to impregnate you. I can’t take many more months of this Clomid/Met stuff”
ME: “How do you think I feel?”
DH: “Yea, but you are like a terrorist. You strapped the bomb to your chest and I’m just the innocent bystander getting blown up.”
ME: “EXCUSE ME? I’m a terrorist…..(sputter sputter) and you are innocent?”
DH: “Okay, so maybe I’m more like the driver of the car, I KNOW you have the bomb strapped on, but I’m still innocent, but you are my friend. We are friendly suicide bombers.”
ME: “You may want to stop now, if you plan on having a chance in hell of impregnating me tonight. If you don’t like my crazy suicide bomber emotions now, what do you think is going to happen for the next 9 months?”
DH: “Yes, but at that point, I KNOW I’m getting something out of the deal at the end. I get a baby. Right now its just an unending walk in a mine field.”
ME: “So first I’m a terrorist suicide bomber and now I’m a mine field. Nice.”
DH: “Okay, so you are the Taliban begging for me to invade you. I know I’m going to get blown up but you are asking for it. So woman, prepare to be invaded.”
ME: “The Taliban huh? Invaded? You are such a romantic asshole.”
This is what happens when you marry an ex-marine. Everything in life becomes a military analogy, including IF. Yes ladies, my IF journey has now become my husbands crusade. He is conquering foreign lands and defeating IF with the shear force of his sperm army. His guns are loaded and he is making nightly forays into enemy territory laying siege to land waiting for the commanding egg to appear and the Talimoodswing Leader to change tactics. So far we have not won a battle, but we continue to storm the forts.
Oy Vey.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Whoops
I realized today, that my brain is not functioning on all cylinders. As I am inputting my temp this morning I realize that today really is the third day....I think.
Saturday I had high temps and bright spotting and cramps. Sunday morning I woke up to major flow and a low temp. I counted Saturday in my head because it was the first day of bright red, but I am thinking maybe Sunday really was day one since it was the first day with significant flow and the temp. drop. EEGATS I've confused myself! In the long run, it probably doesn't matter. However, I did take my first Clomid last night, so do you think it will really make a difference if it was actually day 2 versus 3? Why oh why am I making stupid little mistakes and stressing myself out. STOP BUCKIN RIGHT NOW (and you know it is bad when I start talking to myself, as if I would really listen anyway, what was I thinking?).
Breathe. I'm done. So really, all in all, there is nothing new to report today except for my temporary pscyizophrenic breakdown. Carry on.
Saturday I had high temps and bright spotting and cramps. Sunday morning I woke up to major flow and a low temp. I counted Saturday in my head because it was the first day of bright red, but I am thinking maybe Sunday really was day one since it was the first day with significant flow and the temp. drop. EEGATS I've confused myself! In the long run, it probably doesn't matter. However, I did take my first Clomid last night, so do you think it will really make a difference if it was actually day 2 versus 3? Why oh why am I making stupid little mistakes and stressing myself out. STOP BUCKIN RIGHT NOW (and you know it is bad when I start talking to myself, as if I would really listen anyway, what was I thinking?).
Breathe. I'm done. So really, all in all, there is nothing new to report today except for my temporary pscyizophrenic breakdown. Carry on.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Free Clomid
Progesterone: Copay 40.00 for 10 pills.
Clomid: Free
Possibility of Baby: Priceless
As stated before, Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance does not make sense. I never KNOW how much I am going to have to pay out of pocket for medicine at Walgreens. Wierd.
In other news, I miscalculated my cycle days (don't ask me HOW I did this, I just was skewing it in my head). Today is my third day, which means TODAY is the day I start Clomid. Exciting but scary all at the same time.
Today is officially, CYCLE 1 on Clomid. It's like a fresh start. I no longer feel the past two years of barren bitterness. I no longer care about the past 8 months of anovulatory charts. Today is a new day in my TTC journey. (Probably not the most rational way to look at it, but it just feels more positive to me). Time will tell.
Clomid: Free
Possibility of Baby: Priceless
As stated before, Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance does not make sense. I never KNOW how much I am going to have to pay out of pocket for medicine at Walgreens. Wierd.
In other news, I miscalculated my cycle days (don't ask me HOW I did this, I just was skewing it in my head). Today is my third day, which means TODAY is the day I start Clomid. Exciting but scary all at the same time.
Today is officially, CYCLE 1 on Clomid. It's like a fresh start. I no longer feel the past two years of barren bitterness. I no longer care about the past 8 months of anovulatory charts. Today is a new day in my TTC journey. (Probably not the most rational way to look at it, but it just feels more positive to me). Time will tell.
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