8 Month Letter (a month late)

Because I'm backlogged on posts and pictures, I'm just now posting this one. OOPS.

Dear Matthew,

I can scarcely believe you are 8 months old. Day by day I watch you rush headlong into boyhood and leave the baby traits behind. I know it won’t be long before you no longer want to be rocked to sleep, cuddle into my neck and touch my face.
I wallow everyday in your sweetness; trying to store the memories up, for when you’d rather play in the dirt than sit in my lap. For now, you are content to interact with us but growing up too fast. You started crawling a few weeks ago and haven’t stopped or slowed down since. In the past few days you’ve been standing and pulling up. You have even walked while hanging on to my hands, the sofa, and the table.
I glow and encourage each new achievement and while I’m thrilled for each new phase my heart hurts at how fast you are going to leave me behind. Since becoming a crawler, you have graduated to the big boy tub where you crawl and splash and giggle happily every night.
You are enjoying a whole world of new foods and blends, cookies, snacks and crackers. You are still sensitive to textures so you are not crazy about even coarsely mashed adult food, though you are glutton for Thanksgiving Pumpkin Pie and my coffee.
You have started sleeping in your own bed for at least part of the night on most occasions. While I know you need your own space and our bed is quickly growing too small for all three of us, I still enjoy your warm body curled into mine, your breath on my cheek and your little hand gripping me as you dream limitless possibilities.
I love you so much, words can not even say. It seems impossible but my love grows everyday, and while I know you are going to be a great toddler, I can wait for you to get there if you’d like to slow down and be a baby for just a little longer.

For now, you are splish splash baths, frozen waffles, stuffed tree frogs, chasing Truffles the cat, giggles under blankets, open mouth slobbery kisses, toothy grins, and deep hugs.

You are dreams come true, magic and snuggles, peace and Christmas spirit. You are everything good that daddy and I can give you. You have the best of us always in your heart.

All my love,

Momma

A Look Back at the Unforgettable 2011

There are no huge crowds, alcohol soaked midnight kisses, or giant lighted balls dropping from rooftops. No party hats, drunk strangers, and loud bands. Tonight does not end in a haze of smoke and laden trays of food.

This amazing year will pass, much like it began, watching movies with my husband, the glow of the christmas tree casting soft shadows as the dogs lay in our laps. Except this year, I am not feeling my little boy kicking inside my stomach and dreaming about what he will be like this time next year. No. This year passes with my livingroom floor littered with his childish delights, his warm body tucked into his bed that we lovingly picked out and placed in his decorated room that I stressed over the last detail of.

I can't help but be sad to see 2011 go. It was an amazing year, full of adventure, love, hope, dreams and joy. I look forward to 2012 and watching my son grow but I will always hold 2011 close to my heart and remember it fondly.

And Don't Call Me Shirley

or Matthew. I spent months agonizing over the perfect name for my child, arguing the merits and flow of combinations with my husband. As beautiful as the name is, we call him everything but.

Monster is the most prevalent and courtesy of his father (in utero making it the oldest used nickname and probably the "official" nickname.)


Pee-turkey (something random I spewed that has stuck)
Suger boog (a southerN thing as my aunt calls him this too)
Punkin (My sister tends to use this one as well)

Cuteboy
Monkeybutt (especially in his outfit with the monkey face patch on the bottom)
Cuteness
Fussybutt
Booboo
Wiggleworm
Squirmy pants
Slobber box

And I'm sure a myriad of other names that pop out of my mouth randomly...but never Matthew.

I'm pretty sure he's going to think his name is Monster, but I would have been majorly sideeyed had I put that on his birth certificate!

Best Friends in the House of Smith

In a house full of animals, I envisioned my son romping around with a frisky dachshund at his heels (mostly our rambunctious boy doxie). I even imagined that our female would be very mothering and snuggling with him. So far our boy dog wants nothing to do with him and is acting out: peeing in the house, disobeying, getting into everything. Basically driving me insane. Our female acts like she has been beat when you say one negative word to her (like NO) and runs tail tucked to her crate as if the hounds of hell were after her. She is slowly coming around to listening to commands without being offended but she is still so desperate for attention that she goes stupid occasionally. She is coming along. Atleast she likes the baby she just wants to be in my lap and with him at all times.
Scarlett and Matt

What I didn't expect, was the cat to be the most behaved and attentive. She hangs out in Matthew's room. Sleeps in the drawer under his crib and on the daybed in his room. She is constantly hanging out whereever we are and acting like a gargoyle perched on the arm of the recliner. She gently sniffs the top of his head and licks the bottom of his feet at risk to life and limb as he is very ticklish and one day with deadly accuracy is bound to kick her in the head. When he's in his bouncy chair I've even caught her on her back underneath pulling herself over the top to pat him on his head and then darting off to come back and do it again. She's infatuated.
Truffles and Matt

I just wonder if she will still be the numero uno bestest bud when he can pull her fluffy tail.

Dear Matthew

How is it possible that you are four weeks old today? It seems only yesterday that I got my first glimpse of your precious face and a month has passed already. You are growing so fast that I can't keep up. You are holding your head up and aware of things. You are focusing on the animals on your mobiles, cooing, smiling, and making kissy faces when we kiss you on the mouth. You are grasping at everything and trying to get control of your hands and arms. You have even rolled a few times though I don't think that was all together your idea but more a result of your spastic movements.

Your personality is starting to shine through and you definitely have a little temper. When you get a gas bubble, you have this heartbreaking shuddering cry with big crocodile tears that break my heart. I would literally fight tigers for you if it would keep you from making that pitiful cry.

We've had our bad days with colic but we have managed to get through them, maybe not always with grace but with plenty of love. The good days are amazing. In the early dawn when you look at me with those big blue eyes fresh from sleep as you drink from my breast. The first smile of the day and a soft coo; a sweet nap in your swing as I go about the house hold chores. We are making it work and developing a new pattern and a new life. I know it will change again when I go back to work and the days are passing too fast heading that way, but for today and next week, I know I have you to myself and I'm wallowing in every minute of you.


Your Daddy is completely enamored and ya'll already have this amazing bond. He smothers you in kisses every morning, afternoon and night. He cuddles you, bathes you, snuggles you and I swear the love shines right out of his eyes when he looks at you. I know he wishes he had more time with you but working full time and going to school are hard on him but he's doing it so that in two years he can provide better for you and a possible sibling and have more time as you grow to do boyscouts, sports etc with you.

I can barely remember life before you, and frankly I don't want to. It may have not had nights of fussy colic baby cries but it did not have days of this amazing little baby that you are. I just ask one favor of you as you rush head long to being one month old....please slow down. You are getting so big so fast, already over 8lbs and outgrown your Newborn clothes. Time is running away from me and I'm afraid you will be going off to college in a week.

I love you baby boy, to the moon and beyond for all eternity.

Love,
Mama

MIA and First Pips of Matthew Levi

It's been two weeks and those that follow me on facebook know what I've been going through. I fully intend to post a birth story and pictures and follow up info etc. I have a ton of ideas for posts but right now I'm just trying to muddle through and adjust to being a new mom, recovering from a hard delivery/c-section (seriously 72 hours and bleeding out during surgery- landed me a week stay at the Hospital).

Dealing with the challenges of breastfeeding with low supply and a hungry growing boy that I can't keep up with.

But life is good. There are snuggles and smiles, cuddles and kisses and the most amazing beautiful little boy in the history of the world. (don't argue with me, I know these things!).

So to pacify you until I get the hang of managing my time and actually put this little monster down long enough to type out something (much less do laundry or something productive) I will leave you with an introduction to Matthew Levi via a hillarious picture from the hospital.


And one that I just love: Daddy and mini-me

Dear Matthew

Today is the last day I will write to you in utero. Tomorrow our dream comes true and we start the process of meeting you. I hope you come tomorrow and don't delay the process. I woke up this morning and had so many thoughts running through my head and I wrote to my friends with this message. It says everything I was feeling this morning.

"So I woke up this morning with the realization
that today is the last day as just a married couple. Everything we have worked towards for the past four years, that we started 7 years ago, is culminating now.

Tomorrow we become parents. We become a family of three (even though we already are). Tomorrow (or shortly thereafter as the process could take awhile) we have this much desired, long awaited squirmy little boy entirely dependent on the two of us. Tomorrow we wake up at 5am to head to the hospital to have a baby!

And I have to admit, as much as we have wanted this, and worked toward this, and are ready for this....I am scared out of my every loving effing mind.

It's kind of a wierd feeling, realization to know it all comes down to this...our last day, our last morning...as just the two of us. I'm excited, scared, overwhelmed, anxious and every other emotional adjective you can think of. I never thought I would feel ALL OF THIS."

Your daddy and I are so excited to meet you and start our life. We are overwhelmed and excited and scared. We love you so much and tomorrow is approaching so fast. I hope we are everything you need us to be and that we can give you the best life and everything you deserve.

Love,
Your Mama

Sex- It's whats for dinner

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Happy EDD Matthew

Today is our Estimated Due Date. I figured I would have you in my arms by now. Even the Dr's had planned on inducing you to come early but my body and you decided otherwise. This messed up body of mine that had so much trouble getting pregnant decided it knew what it was doing with you. It loves you and did everything right. No gestational diabetes. No pre-e. No blood pressure issues. It loves keeping you safe and warm and all to ourself.

You should be ready to come into the world now though. Your daddy and I really want to meet you and snuggle you and smooch you and start this amazing life with you.

So happy EDD baby. You still have a few hours to kick it in to gear and if you come tomorrow, I won't consider you late. I think you would really enjoy being a March baby though.

Whenever you are ready darling but just so you know, we are getting an ultrasound tomorrow...and picking a day of eviction so you should probably prepare if you aren't ready to come on your own.

We love you to pieces and can't wait to meet you, whatever your birthday may be.

38 Weeks and the Countdown is on

As I write this, I only have 12 official days left till my E.D.D./Two until the Full Moon that will be closer to the earth than ever before (at least in recent years). Things could get interesting around here in the next two weeks folks!

Total weight gain: Yesterday at the Dr. The scales read 40lbs. I almost cried.

Maternity clothes? Barely. I'm still rocking some premat clothes. I'm pretty proud of myself for doing so too. Where the heck is this 40lbs hanging out? My chin? Yea, I think so.

Sleep: Very little especially now that my Spring Allergies have kicked in and are draining down my throat!

Best moment this week: Feeling a little hand pushing back against my finger and trying to grasp it from under my skin. It was 3a.m. and had a dream like quality but I cried it was so awesome. (I cry a lot lately).

Gender: No question this is a boy. None (especially after the last ultrasound..wowzers!)

Craving: Bagel with Cream Cheese has been the flavor of the week though I'm not really craving anything.

Movement: Very strong movements still but lower now.

Labor Signs: Well, I have a LOT of pain and pressure in the lower stomach and my cervix is softening according to the dr. The Dr. measurements also say he has moved down a little but still no contractions.

Belly Button in or out? Still In

What I miss: At this point, despite the lack of sleep etc, I don't really miss anything. i'm just trying to hold onto these amazing feelings of having an inside baby all to myself because I know soon I'm going to have to share him with the world.

What I am looking forward to: Finally finishing the nursery this weekend (hopefully).

Milestones: Baby moving downward so I guess we are getting ready for labor. I did at least pack a basic hospital bag to commemorate the event. LOL We also had Maternity Pics done! So excited!

35 weeks, 35 Days to GO!

Total weight gain: At the Dr's yesterday I was up a total of 31 lbs. I've blown past that 15-20 lb mark a long time ago. ::sigh:: The only bright spot is that I've been hovering around this weight for a few weeks. Only a month left so maybe I won't gain to a point I can't lose it quickly.

Maternity clothes? Yea. Unfortunately. See my whole rant on that topic here.

Sleep: This is a joke. A brutal constant weekly reminder of what I'm not getting. I've reached the point where my exhaustion is rivaling that of 1st tri.

Best moment this week: Reaching this incredible milestone. Its so amazing to look at those numbers and see how far I've come and how little I have left to go! Scary too!.

Gender: This is pretty pointless too since he is obviously a very stubborn boy that takes after his daddy.

Craving: Vanilla icecream with caramel and fudge sauce. YUM! (what was that about not gaining too much more weight?)

Movement: Very strong movements. Some days he's more active than others. I miss the little thumps and rolls and kicks. Now I get BIG rolls that are painful and he's getting the hiccups more frequently.

Labor Signs: Nope.

Belly Button in or out? Still In

What I miss: Sleep and living off Zantac and Tums.


What I am looking forward to: Shopping with my BFF on Saturday for a little girl time. Plus she's after clothes for her sons and this time I get to shop for my son too so its going to be a whole new thing for us to do together!

Milestones: 35 weeks, 35 days to go! Anesthesia consult on Friday! Things are moving right along baby!

34 Weeks

Total weight gain: This morning I was sitting at 26 pounds but when I got to the Dr. I was at 29lbs. I've been sick for two days and today was the first day I could really eat and drink so I was knocking back the Gatorade. Dr. was pretty sure it was my body retaining all the water it had lost and not worried about the gain.

Maternity clothes? Still mostly but I still have those few pieces I haven't let go of. I don't think they will make it all the way to the end but I can live without them for a few weeks....I've only got five weeks left ya'll!

Sleep: Off and on. I tend to be able to take naps but not sleep through the night. Go figure. Maybe its getting me in practice so I don't become a zombie mom.

Best moment this week: Losing weight (and that was before I got sick!)I lost four pounds between last thursday and Monday. Not sure how I did it. Probably water.

Gender: Definitely a BOY!

Craving: Still Salad..with Steak. Coca Cola (which is odd since I'm a pepsi product girl)

Movement: Definitely and I love every second of it.I'm totally going to miss this part of pregnancy. Even though his rolls are getting pretty painful.

Labor Signs: Some mild Braxton Hicks but nothing too bad.

Belly Button in or out? Still In

What I miss: Sleep and living off Zantac and Tums.


What I am looking forward to: Getting some housework done.

Milestones: Bought the last of the big items on the registry that were musts. We almost have all the minimal things that we need to start out.

Nursery Sneak Peak 1

So we have actually made way more progress on the nursery but I thought I would post a few of the beginning pictures. DH spent a lot of time painting the ceiling, the walls and putting up a new light fixture so I thought it only fair that I start at the beginning.

Color: is Bullfrog.

Crib: DaVinci Richmond

Metal Accents: Brushed Nickle

Trim: Dark Walnut

Floor: Red Oak Hardwoods with Dark Walnut Pegs

NURSERY NEWSFLASH!

THE BEDDING IS HERE!

MY SON HAS CRIB BEDDING! OMG! He's not even here yet and he's already such a little boy I want to cry. It was all I could do to not blubber all over the bedding as I unpacked it but it made it so real. Now I get to pick paint colors! I adore the teal blue but I think its too dark. I'm thinking possibly doing half the wall in tan and half the wall in the avocado green with a chair rail or yellow stripe in the middle.

Decisions, decisions.

Week 23!

Total weight gain: I'm terrified to admit that its up 13 pounds. I cringe on the scale every week and I thought I was prepared for the number to go up over Thanksgiving but I still gagged.
Maternity clothes? No but getting closer everyday.
Sleep: crappy over the holiday weekend and through the storms last night but I'm getting more comfortable sleeping on my side now. I still sleep on my back a lot.
Best moment this week: Getting ready for the holidays and seeing Gifts the Inlaws bought baby on Black Friday because they couldn't resist!
Gender: Definately a BOY!
Craving: Starbucks Peppermint Mocha and Lemon Loaf (random sweet tooth anyone?)
Movement: Getting stronger and more active. Feeling regular movement for long stretches several times a day.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist and lack of double chin and smooth splotchless skin.
What I am looking forward to: Ordering the crib bedding!
Milestones: One week till Viability.

I'm totally wearing Pocohontas braids to honor my heritage for Thanksgiving ;)

Total weight gain: As of Monday it was back to 10 but its Thanksgiving, I odn't see that number staying there. LOL
Maternity clothes? No but I wear some of them anyway. It won't be long before I have to wear the pants though.
Sleep: Somewhat decent.
Best moment this week: DH getting to listen to his son play and move via dopplar while we snuggled in the bed.
Gender: Definately a BOY!
Craving: Collard greens and Fried chicken dipped in ranch.
Movement: Getting stronger with more distinct thumps.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist and a lowering number on the scale.
What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping.
Milestones: Finding baby with a home dopplar and getting very distinct thumps.

Letter to My Son

Dear Baby Boy,

We haven’t decided on your name yet. It’s a big decision because you have to live with it the rest of your life. We don’t want to make a mistake and have you hate us for it later. We have picked it out along with a few backups but have not made the official decision yet. If only I could ask you what you wanted to be called…or could see your precious face and know what name would suit you best.

You have no idea what is in store for you though. You have an amazing life ahead of you. Your father and I both have big ideas of things for you to do, activities you may enjoy, and the endless possibilities of what you will turn out to be. None of them matter. Only your happiness matters. We will support you in whatever way you need, whatever you decide to do and whoever you turn out to be.

Until I meet you though, I am dreaming of all the possibilities. I’m imagining the activities that you will enjoy, the things you are going to do as you grow and the pure joy you are going to experience. You will have opportunities to ride horses through the mountain trails with your cousins, have cannonball competitions in the pool with your friends on a hot southern summer day, learn how to garden with your mommy and experience the most amazing flavors like fresh tomatoes off the vine, build birdhouses for boy scouts with your Dad, ride a hay wagon behind your grandpa on his tractor, eat fresh crisp watermelon on your Grandma’s front porch, splash through the waves with your cousins that live on the coast, and frolic in the yard with two doggies that are waiting in unbridled anticipation to be your best friends.

There are so many things you will learn, and unending possibilities of what you can be. You can be a doctor, a lawyer, a true cowboy, a grocery store bag boy or the President of the United States. You can join the military and fight for our freedom like your father and his father before him and/or you can go to college like your parents and grandparents before us. You can start a high school rock band, and make platinum albums or play in the garages. You can fly to the moon or mars or another galaxy all together.

As my favorite author once stated “The knowledge that someone believes in one keeps one trying to make good.” ~ Emilie Loring. Your father and I will always believe in you and help you to make good in your life. To live as happily as possible and weather the storms when they come.

I promise you that no one will ever love you more or believe in you as we already do. Our love can only grow as you do, as we guide you on your journey to becoming a great man that I already feel you are. You will be the best of both of us and a true reflection of how much we love each other. We put everything into having you and we will continue to put everything into making your life an amazing adventure of love and hope and endless possibilities.

My precious little boy, I love you beyond words, beyond time and beyond anything I’ve ever imagined. I carry you with me now and soon will hold you in my arms and gaze upon your perfect face.
Always,

Mom

20 Week Update and Gender Reveal

How far along?20 weeks
Total weight gain: 10(The Doctor is not too happy with me over that one.)
Maternity clothes? No. But my ebay clothes came and I'm definately going to start wearing them just because I love some of them!
Sleep: Off and On depending on the day.
Best moment this week: Finding out HLB is a BOY!
Gender: Definately a BOY!
Craving: Panera Bread broccoli and Cheddar Soup.
Movement: Very sporadic and mostly translate into quarter sized sore spots with light thumps for a few moments.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist and a lowering number on the scale.
What I am looking forward to: Baby shopping this weekend and adding stuff to the registry!
Milestones: Gender Scan and Registering!

Thanksgiving-OCD style

I already have my Thanksgiving Menu planned out in detail. What I’m going to have made the night before as the travelers filter in, and what will be pre-made for breakfast as people wake up for the day, what I am making from scratch and what I’m giving in and doing from a box/can, who is peeling/chopping and who will be my assistant in the kitchen against their will!

I even have it down to chores performed on what day to prepare for the guests arriving and setting out serving dishes and the table days before.

You see, I am an OCD detail oriented perfectionist. I like lists and precise time frames and plans down to the minutest of details. As the hostess of Thanksgiving (and any other party), I run my house and preparations like a military event. I make the military look like an unorganized Boy Scout troupe actually (ask my In-laws who are all military- I drive them insane with my perfectionism).

Add to my insanity the fact that I go a little nutty over the Holidays and you have one normally giant stress ball. Since this stress ball also has nesting and pregnancy hormones I am stretching out the planning and prep over two weeks instead of ½ of a week and enlisting the involuntary help of my husband for it.

My accommodating sister-in-law has no idea that she is going to be enforced labor as my souse chef.

I’m pretty sure, all of my readers will think I’ve lost my mind, but I think it’s ingenious that I’ve figured out a way to have my Thanksgiving perfect (otherwise I would be MORE stressed out that everything wasn’t done properly) without killing myself in the process! It’s a totally perfect plan! (said in my best Elle Woods voice).

Nothing (and I repeat nothing) will get in the way of my morning which consists of absolute quiet while HLB and I snuggle with the pups over a cup of coffee and the Thanksgiving day parade before people wake up and stir around. (My Husband and his family are notorious for sleeping till mid morning at any opportunity-my mother-in-law is about the only one who will venture forth and she is satisfied to watch tv with me with a pup in her lap and a cup of coffee as well. In THAT respect, we jive perfectly).

Mid morning I will pop the turkey in the roaster and give orders for the peeling and chopping that my husband is going to do and will follow that with an afternoon in my kitchen, an evening gathered around the table followed by mapping out our Black Friday attack plan and a movie or game! Catch a few hours of sleep and it’s off to begin the madhouse of Christmas shopping, home for a lazy afternoon of leftovers and TV marathons. Saturday will bring a day of dragging out Christmas decorations and wrapping paper to transform my house into a festive holiday sanctuary that I will enjoy for a full month while dreaming of nursery decorations.

TWO more weeks until this all transpires, but for today, I get to think about it between pushing around paperwork until my journey begins to the Dr’s office for the EVENT OF the SEASON and my LIFE up unto this point! Thanksgiving smanksgiving. HLB what are you baby?!

Gender Anxiety

I can’t believe tomorrow is the big day. It blows my mind. What happened to “this day will never get here?” I’m expecting today and tomorrow morning to move so slowly but so far it has sped along at a normal clip to spite me.

I know, the time is hurtling towards the ultrasound because I’m scared to death. I’m not scared my baby won’t be there but I’m scared of what will happen AFTER we find out the gender. Why you ask? Well let me be blunt.

We don’t care what we have. I am just as excited for a boy as a girl and vice versa as is my husband but we are both worried about our families’ relationship and reactions with our child.

We have tried for three almost four years for a child, long after our other siblings have had a few. (Each of our siblings has two children already). All of the grandchildren are boys. We have been put upon with so much pressure to have “THE girl.” Even when we were struggling with IF, insensitive comments were made constantly about its up to us, and we need to figure it out because we owe the family a girl etc. etc. It was very hurtful because all we wanted was a baby.

Since getting pregnant, more pressure has been put on us. “Make sure it’s a girl, we are putting our order in for a granddaughter etc.” to the point that it has taken all I had in me not to scream at them. Now that the time is here to find out, I’m scared to death. They have taken a lot of our joy and excitement away to be replaced by nerves and apprehension.

DH and I discussed it yesterday and he has the same fears that I do. We have been planning all along for either sex: picking out both names, picking out both sets of bedding and nursery ideas etc. We are both prepared for the fact that if HLB is a girl we will be inundated with gifts and clothes that we don’t even want but its already been established that if it’s a boy we will be getting hand me downs only as no one is excited to buy for another boy and I want to cry.

I want to cry for my son that I will love very much because he will be overlooked by his extended family and it breaks my heart. We are prepared for the comments. My husband is actually ready to end his relationship with his parents if they say one negative thing about our son being a boy. He was furious in his discussion yesterday because he knows them, and he knows what things will be said and he if it comes to pass like that, he will never again see his family and I know this.

We know my family will not be as bad though there are bound to be some stupid comments made (and have already been but I refrain from mentioning them here for many reasons) but my mother has already expressed excitement in having either sex so we are more apt to put them in their place over stupid comments then to end a relationship with them completely. Maybe its different as they only have TWO grandchildren where as the other side has FOUR. I don’t know. But it hurts me unbearably.

I want a little boy. I want a little girl too. I’m greedy. I want both and we fully intend to have a second child in 2-3 years. I feel that if this one is a boy though, I will be so full of anxiety waiting for the end of relationships, the inevitable comments, etc. that I won’t enjoy it. I feel that for my baby’s sake, it would be best if this first one is a girl, and THAT makes me feel like an absolutely horrible mother.

I have been living with this apprehension over the sex of my baby for a very long time. I can’t get it out of my head right now with it looming tomorrow. I side-eye people when they express gender disappointment because a baby is all I want but now that its here I’m so afraid I will have it simply because of family dynamics and I feel like a wretched person and a fraud. Maybe this is a Karmic lesson that I shouldn’t judge other’s because I don’t know what they are going through (though most of the time they give stupid reasons like they don’t want to clean a penis or simply want to decorate in pink and they still deserved side-eyeing).

It’s all I can do to type this out and put this giant fear into words. I feel physically sick to my stomach having written it but I don’t want it festering inside me. I’m hoping by getting it out that I can focus on the joy. We are so truly excited to give a name to our baby and go shopping and plan for this little One’s future and we will do so with or without our families but I so want this baby to be loved and know its grandparents and cousins. It DESERVES that no matter what is between its legs.

I know, that no matter what happens and who this baby turns out to be, that it will never want for love because his/her Daddy and Mommy love it to the moon and back and that will be enough it has to be.