Monday, November 8, 2010

Gender Anxiety

I can’t believe tomorrow is the big day. It blows my mind. What happened to “this day will never get here?” I’m expecting today and tomorrow morning to move so slowly but so far it has sped along at a normal clip to spite me.

I know, the time is hurtling towards the ultrasound because I’m scared to death. I’m not scared my baby won’t be there but I’m scared of what will happen AFTER we find out the gender. Why you ask? Well let me be blunt.

We don’t care what we have. I am just as excited for a boy as a girl and vice versa as is my husband but we are both worried about our families’ relationship and reactions with our child.

We have tried for three almost four years for a child, long after our other siblings have had a few. (Each of our siblings has two children already). All of the grandchildren are boys. We have been put upon with so much pressure to have “THE girl.” Even when we were struggling with IF, insensitive comments were made constantly about its up to us, and we need to figure it out because we owe the family a girl etc. etc. It was very hurtful because all we wanted was a baby.

Since getting pregnant, more pressure has been put on us. “Make sure it’s a girl, we are putting our order in for a granddaughter etc.” to the point that it has taken all I had in me not to scream at them. Now that the time is here to find out, I’m scared to death. They have taken a lot of our joy and excitement away to be replaced by nerves and apprehension.

DH and I discussed it yesterday and he has the same fears that I do. We have been planning all along for either sex: picking out both names, picking out both sets of bedding and nursery ideas etc. We are both prepared for the fact that if HLB is a girl we will be inundated with gifts and clothes that we don’t even want but its already been established that if it’s a boy we will be getting hand me downs only as no one is excited to buy for another boy and I want to cry.

I want to cry for my son that I will love very much because he will be overlooked by his extended family and it breaks my heart. We are prepared for the comments. My husband is actually ready to end his relationship with his parents if they say one negative thing about our son being a boy. He was furious in his discussion yesterday because he knows them, and he knows what things will be said and he if it comes to pass like that, he will never again see his family and I know this.

We know my family will not be as bad though there are bound to be some stupid comments made (and have already been but I refrain from mentioning them here for many reasons) but my mother has already expressed excitement in having either sex so we are more apt to put them in their place over stupid comments then to end a relationship with them completely. Maybe its different as they only have TWO grandchildren where as the other side has FOUR. I don’t know. But it hurts me unbearably.

I want a little boy. I want a little girl too. I’m greedy. I want both and we fully intend to have a second child in 2-3 years. I feel that if this one is a boy though, I will be so full of anxiety waiting for the end of relationships, the inevitable comments, etc. that I won’t enjoy it. I feel that for my baby’s sake, it would be best if this first one is a girl, and THAT makes me feel like an absolutely horrible mother.

I have been living with this apprehension over the sex of my baby for a very long time. I can’t get it out of my head right now with it looming tomorrow. I side-eye people when they express gender disappointment because a baby is all I want but now that its here I’m so afraid I will have it simply because of family dynamics and I feel like a wretched person and a fraud. Maybe this is a Karmic lesson that I shouldn’t judge other’s because I don’t know what they are going through (though most of the time they give stupid reasons like they don’t want to clean a penis or simply want to decorate in pink and they still deserved side-eyeing).

It’s all I can do to type this out and put this giant fear into words. I feel physically sick to my stomach having written it but I don’t want it festering inside me. I’m hoping by getting it out that I can focus on the joy. We are so truly excited to give a name to our baby and go shopping and plan for this little One’s future and we will do so with or without our families but I so want this baby to be loved and know its grandparents and cousins. It DESERVES that no matter what is between its legs.

I know, that no matter what happens and who this baby turns out to be, that it will never want for love because his/her Daddy and Mommy love it to the moon and back and that will be enough it has to be.


  1. I wish I could just hug you so hard right now. Just know that all over the country there are women who are celebrating this baby with you. We will be so happy for your boy, or girl. Hang in there ma'am. I for one, cannot wait to find out what baby Buckin is!

  2. I'm with Johanna, I wish I could give you a BIG giant hug! Love to you and your sweet sweet babe.