This post is not intended to start a debate between breastfeeders vs formula feeding. It is merely to express my emotional journey between the two. I have no problems with formula feeding (for other people), though I will admit that I side eye people who HAVE milk and CAN breastfeed but choose to formula feed for no medically necessary reason (boob jobs, medicines etc.) as well as those who give up because it hurts or is hard. Those opinions also are closely tied to my own journey though and I realize this.
Breastfeeding (especially in the first weeks-err months) is one of the hardest things I've done. There was a weekend that I resorted to exclusively pumping because of how painful it was, but I went back to it and gritted my teeth through the pain. I'm 4 months in and my nipples are still tender and sore but not to an unbearable degree. I can still enjoy the act of breastfeeding at this point and appreciate the bonding experience.
I have fought, cried, and emotionally abused myself to breastfeed. Thanks to PCOS, my body does not produce enough to meet my sons needs. In four months my supply has not increased at all. Period. When my milk came in, I could pump 2 ounces. Which was fine for a 3 day old. Not so much for a 3 month old. I have worked with Dr's, lactation consultants, gadgets, pumping regimens, natural remedies, foods and prescription drugs. To this day, I can still only get 2 ounces every few hours. Which means he gets 2-4 ounces of formula every few hours (except at night).
the first time I gave him formula he was 5 or 6 days old and I cried the entire time. I think I cried the whole first week while giving him a bottle. I felt like a failure as a mom and to this day, those emotions and that memory of that moment haunt me.
(Here's where formula feeding moms will really gnash their teeth.) I'm EMBARRASSED to BUY FORMULA. I won't look the cashier in the eye. It's like being a teenage girl buying a pregnancy test or condoms. I'm embarrassed to give my baby a bottle in public because people can see me mix the powder and water and know its formula. (On the other hand I won't breastfeed in public either. I will whip them out around female family members or in a public retail women's lounge or mother's room, or even in my car parked at the edge of a prking lot away from everyone but won't find me on a bench int he mall with my boob out flapping in the breeze for the world to see.) (So there I have offended both types of moms with my prudishness equally!).
I have a negative image of formula feeding (that I never had before) due to my own struggle and desire to breastfeed. I'm projecting my own fears, experiences etc. into this one act of parenting becaue of my own dissappointment. The studies and articles about the benefits of breastfeeding over formula swim through my subconcious brain to give me nightmares.
I KNOW its okay. The Dr's tell me his fine and healthy and I'm doing a good job. Everyone comments on how alert and strong he is; How good his disposition and behavior are; how clear his skin; how beautiful of a baby he is. He is getting the immunities and benefits of breastmilk and the intimate bonding of nursing two ounces at a time.
I can go on like this as long as my body produces. If I can make it to 6 months he will still have recieved a lot of benefit from my meager supply. I, however, need to reconcile with myself this negativity. I tell myself that my body sin't a failure. It gave me the most amazing little boy after years of struggle, but this is one more black mark against it. Maybe thats part of the scars of being a bitter infertile. We never quite learn how to love ourselves again (and forgive our bodies) and automatically self loathe when our bodies don't perform the way we want.
I will always struggle with breastfeeding, the way my birth went, and with my body but just as I haven't given up with breastfeeding, I won't give up on trying to forgive me, even while I die of shame when purchasing formula.
Showing posts with label Baby Development. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby Development. Show all posts
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Never say Never
I will Never...
...let my grandma keep my baby. She's getting frail.
...ask for help from anyone.
...leave my infant with someone other than his father.
...feed my child formula.
...co sleep. He has his own room.
...kiss my baby on the mouth.
...buy one of those hideously ugly bumbo seats.
A lesson in statements you make before becoming a parent...because you will obviously stick to them so well.
...let my grandma keep my baby. She's getting frail.
...ask for help from anyone.
...leave my infant with someone other than his father.
...feed my child formula.
...co sleep. He has his own room.
...kiss my baby on the mouth.
...buy one of those hideously ugly bumbo seats.
A lesson in statements you make before becoming a parent...because you will obviously stick to them so well.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
2 Months
My how the time Flies. I'm not ready!
At two months:
Mommy is my favorite person in the world. I hear her voice and I look for her no matter who is holding me.
I've slept through the night a few times but mostly I'm still fussy and want to be cuddled at night to sleep soundly.
I can still wear Newborn onsies and a few rompers but I'm too long for most everything else.
My eyes are deep vivid blue and my hair is slowly turning from dirty blonde to red tinted.
I'm not digging the paci's but my fist and thumb are my best friend.
I love the ring toy on my play gym.
I coo and talk and smile and laugh. I can stick out my tongue in response and make kissy faces.
To calm me down,have mommy sing Amazing Grace.
And the cat is still bigger than me.
At two months:
Mommy is my favorite person in the world. I hear her voice and I look for her no matter who is holding me.
I've slept through the night a few times but mostly I'm still fussy and want to be cuddled at night to sleep soundly.
I can still wear Newborn onsies and a few rompers but I'm too long for most everything else.
My eyes are deep vivid blue and my hair is slowly turning from dirty blonde to red tinted.
I'm not digging the paci's but my fist and thumb are my best friend.
I love the ring toy on my play gym.
I coo and talk and smile and laugh. I can stick out my tongue in response and make kissy faces.
To calm me down,have mommy sing Amazing Grace.
And the cat is still bigger than me.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Happy EDD Matthew
Today is our Estimated Due Date. I figured I would have you in my arms by now. Even the Dr's had planned on inducing you to come early but my body and you decided otherwise. This messed up body of mine that had so much trouble getting pregnant decided it knew what it was doing with you. It loves you and did everything right. No gestational diabetes. No pre-e. No blood pressure issues. It loves keeping you safe and warm and all to ourself.
You should be ready to come into the world now though. Your daddy and I really want to meet you and snuggle you and smooch you and start this amazing life with you.
So happy EDD baby. You still have a few hours to kick it in to gear and if you come tomorrow, I won't consider you late. I think you would really enjoy being a March baby though.
Whenever you are ready darling but just so you know, we are getting an ultrasound tomorrow...and picking a day of eviction so you should probably prepare if you aren't ready to come on your own.
We love you to pieces and can't wait to meet you, whatever your birthday may be.
You should be ready to come into the world now though. Your daddy and I really want to meet you and snuggle you and smooch you and start this amazing life with you.
So happy EDD baby. You still have a few hours to kick it in to gear and if you come tomorrow, I won't consider you late. I think you would really enjoy being a March baby though.
Whenever you are ready darling but just so you know, we are getting an ultrasound tomorrow...and picking a day of eviction so you should probably prepare if you aren't ready to come on your own.
We love you to pieces and can't wait to meet you, whatever your birthday may be.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I'm totally wearing Pocohontas braids to honor my heritage for Thanksgiving ;)
Total weight gain: As of Monday it was back to 10 but its Thanksgiving, I odn't see that number staying there. LOL
Maternity clothes? No but I wear some of them anyway. It won't be long before I have to wear the pants though.
Sleep: Somewhat decent.
Best moment this week: DH getting to listen to his son play and move via dopplar while we snuggled in the bed.
Gender: Definately a BOY!
Craving: Collard greens and Fried chicken dipped in ranch.
Movement: Getting stronger with more distinct thumps.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist and a lowering number on the scale.
What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping.
Milestones: Finding baby with a home dopplar and getting very distinct thumps.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
20 Week Update and Gender Reveal
How far along?20 weeks
Total weight gain: 10(The Doctor is not too happy with me over that one.)
Maternity clothes? No. But my ebay clothes came and I'm definately going to start wearing them just because I love some of them!
Sleep: Off and On depending on the day.
Best moment this week: Finding out HLB is a BOY!
Gender: Definately a BOY!
Craving: Panera Bread broccoli and Cheddar Soup.
Movement: Very sporadic and mostly translate into quarter sized sore spots with light thumps for a few moments.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist and a lowering number on the scale.
What I am looking forward to: Baby shopping this weekend and adding stuff to the registry!
Milestones: Gender Scan and Registering!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Gender Anxiety
I can’t believe tomorrow is the big day. It blows my mind. What happened to “this day will never get here?” I’m expecting today and tomorrow morning to move so slowly but so far it has sped along at a normal clip to spite me.
I know, the time is hurtling towards the ultrasound because I’m scared to death. I’m not scared my baby won’t be there but I’m scared of what will happen AFTER we find out the gender. Why you ask? Well let me be blunt.
We don’t care what we have. I am just as excited for a boy as a girl and vice versa as is my husband but we are both worried about our families’ relationship and reactions with our child.
We have tried for three almost four years for a child, long after our other siblings have had a few. (Each of our siblings has two children already). All of the grandchildren are boys. We have been put upon with so much pressure to have “THE girl.” Even when we were struggling with IF, insensitive comments were made constantly about its up to us, and we need to figure it out because we owe the family a girl etc. etc. It was very hurtful because all we wanted was a baby.
Since getting pregnant, more pressure has been put on us. “Make sure it’s a girl, we are putting our order in for a granddaughter etc.” to the point that it has taken all I had in me not to scream at them. Now that the time is here to find out, I’m scared to death. They have taken a lot of our joy and excitement away to be replaced by nerves and apprehension.
DH and I discussed it yesterday and he has the same fears that I do. We have been planning all along for either sex: picking out both names, picking out both sets of bedding and nursery ideas etc. We are both prepared for the fact that if HLB is a girl we will be inundated with gifts and clothes that we don’t even want but its already been established that if it’s a boy we will be getting hand me downs only as no one is excited to buy for another boy and I want to cry.
I want to cry for my son that I will love very much because he will be overlooked by his extended family and it breaks my heart. We are prepared for the comments. My husband is actually ready to end his relationship with his parents if they say one negative thing about our son being a boy. He was furious in his discussion yesterday because he knows them, and he knows what things will be said and he if it comes to pass like that, he will never again see his family and I know this.
We know my family will not be as bad though there are bound to be some stupid comments made (and have already been but I refrain from mentioning them here for many reasons) but my mother has already expressed excitement in having either sex so we are more apt to put them in their place over stupid comments then to end a relationship with them completely. Maybe its different as they only have TWO grandchildren where as the other side has FOUR. I don’t know. But it hurts me unbearably.
I want a little boy. I want a little girl too. I’m greedy. I want both and we fully intend to have a second child in 2-3 years. I feel that if this one is a boy though, I will be so full of anxiety waiting for the end of relationships, the inevitable comments, etc. that I won’t enjoy it. I feel that for my baby’s sake, it would be best if this first one is a girl, and THAT makes me feel like an absolutely horrible mother.
I have been living with this apprehension over the sex of my baby for a very long time. I can’t get it out of my head right now with it looming tomorrow. I side-eye people when they express gender disappointment because a baby is all I want but now that its here I’m so afraid I will have it simply because of family dynamics and I feel like a wretched person and a fraud. Maybe this is a Karmic lesson that I shouldn’t judge other’s because I don’t know what they are going through (though most of the time they give stupid reasons like they don’t want to clean a penis or simply want to decorate in pink and they still deserved side-eyeing).
It’s all I can do to type this out and put this giant fear into words. I feel physically sick to my stomach having written it but I don’t want it festering inside me. I’m hoping by getting it out that I can focus on the joy. We are so truly excited to give a name to our baby and go shopping and plan for this little One’s future and we will do so with or without our families but I so want this baby to be loved and know its grandparents and cousins. It DESERVES that no matter what is between its legs.
I know, that no matter what happens and who this baby turns out to be, that it will never want for love because his/her Daddy and Mommy love it to the moon and back and that will be enough it has to be.
I know, the time is hurtling towards the ultrasound because I’m scared to death. I’m not scared my baby won’t be there but I’m scared of what will happen AFTER we find out the gender. Why you ask? Well let me be blunt.
We don’t care what we have. I am just as excited for a boy as a girl and vice versa as is my husband but we are both worried about our families’ relationship and reactions with our child.
We have tried for three almost four years for a child, long after our other siblings have had a few. (Each of our siblings has two children already). All of the grandchildren are boys. We have been put upon with so much pressure to have “THE girl.” Even when we were struggling with IF, insensitive comments were made constantly about its up to us, and we need to figure it out because we owe the family a girl etc. etc. It was very hurtful because all we wanted was a baby.
Since getting pregnant, more pressure has been put on us. “Make sure it’s a girl, we are putting our order in for a granddaughter etc.” to the point that it has taken all I had in me not to scream at them. Now that the time is here to find out, I’m scared to death. They have taken a lot of our joy and excitement away to be replaced by nerves and apprehension.
DH and I discussed it yesterday and he has the same fears that I do. We have been planning all along for either sex: picking out both names, picking out both sets of bedding and nursery ideas etc. We are both prepared for the fact that if HLB is a girl we will be inundated with gifts and clothes that we don’t even want but its already been established that if it’s a boy we will be getting hand me downs only as no one is excited to buy for another boy and I want to cry.
I want to cry for my son that I will love very much because he will be overlooked by his extended family and it breaks my heart. We are prepared for the comments. My husband is actually ready to end his relationship with his parents if they say one negative thing about our son being a boy. He was furious in his discussion yesterday because he knows them, and he knows what things will be said and he if it comes to pass like that, he will never again see his family and I know this.
We know my family will not be as bad though there are bound to be some stupid comments made (and have already been but I refrain from mentioning them here for many reasons) but my mother has already expressed excitement in having either sex so we are more apt to put them in their place over stupid comments then to end a relationship with them completely. Maybe its different as they only have TWO grandchildren where as the other side has FOUR. I don’t know. But it hurts me unbearably.
I want a little boy. I want a little girl too. I’m greedy. I want both and we fully intend to have a second child in 2-3 years. I feel that if this one is a boy though, I will be so full of anxiety waiting for the end of relationships, the inevitable comments, etc. that I won’t enjoy it. I feel that for my baby’s sake, it would be best if this first one is a girl, and THAT makes me feel like an absolutely horrible mother.
I have been living with this apprehension over the sex of my baby for a very long time. I can’t get it out of my head right now with it looming tomorrow. I side-eye people when they express gender disappointment because a baby is all I want but now that its here I’m so afraid I will have it simply because of family dynamics and I feel like a wretched person and a fraud. Maybe this is a Karmic lesson that I shouldn’t judge other’s because I don’t know what they are going through (though most of the time they give stupid reasons like they don’t want to clean a penis or simply want to decorate in pink and they still deserved side-eyeing).
It’s all I can do to type this out and put this giant fear into words. I feel physically sick to my stomach having written it but I don’t want it festering inside me. I’m hoping by getting it out that I can focus on the joy. We are so truly excited to give a name to our baby and go shopping and plan for this little One’s future and we will do so with or without our families but I so want this baby to be loved and know its grandparents and cousins. It DESERVES that no matter what is between its legs.
I know, that no matter what happens and who this baby turns out to be, that it will never want for love because his/her Daddy and Mommy love it to the moon and back and that will be enough it has to be.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
19 weeks
How far along?19 weeks
Total weight gain: 9 pounds (Yep, that's 7lbs in one week. I blame the Holiday party foods of chicken stew (with real cream) cake etc.)
Maternity clothes? No. I did however purchase several items through ebay and am waiting on them to arrive. Probably not a moment too soon as my pants are getting tight in the waist and my clothes, while still fitting look awkward.
Sleep: When I do sleep, its very heavy and I wake up stiff and sore. I'm just not getting quite enough still.
Best moment this week: Ordering maternity clothes.
Gender: Leaning towards boy.
Craving: Nothing really
Movement: I've felt a few wierd thumps once or twice.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist. LOL
What I am looking forward to: The ANATOMY SCAN ON TUESDAY!
Milestones: Needing maternity clothes?
Total weight gain: 9 pounds (Yep, that's 7lbs in one week. I blame the Holiday party foods of chicken stew (with real cream) cake etc.)
Maternity clothes? No. I did however purchase several items through ebay and am waiting on them to arrive. Probably not a moment too soon as my pants are getting tight in the waist and my clothes, while still fitting look awkward.
Sleep: When I do sleep, its very heavy and I wake up stiff and sore. I'm just not getting quite enough still.
Best moment this week: Ordering maternity clothes.
Gender: Leaning towards boy.
Craving: Nothing really
Movement: I've felt a few wierd thumps once or twice.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? Still In.
What I miss: My waist. LOL
What I am looking forward to: The ANATOMY SCAN ON TUESDAY!
Milestones: Needing maternity clothes?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Menage a Trois
I'm barely feeling the baby but last night I had the wierdest experience. The baby got active while I was laying in bed with my husband trying to get our groove on.
The baby sensations aren't strong yet, just ripples like waves internally, taps of vibration, barely there thumps that feel like your pulse (heartbeats) when you put your fingers to your neck. It's not like I'm feeling full on kicks nor am I feeling it on a regular basis. It's usually only when I'm laying down and have been still and quiet for awhile.
Despite the "barely" there movement. I can tell when my baby is really active. I jokingly call it "playtime." It struck me last night though because playtime started while it was adult time. I had to really wrap my brain around the two being simultaneous and if I was okay with that. I'm not sure I am!
What happens when I can really feel baby moving and kicking while ummm...yea.
I may have grown-up a lot this weekend with buying maternity clothes and a mommymobile but I'm not sure my mommy brain is ready to ponder the oddities of baby playing while having sex.
::chews lip in thought::
The baby sensations aren't strong yet, just ripples like waves internally, taps of vibration, barely there thumps that feel like your pulse (heartbeats) when you put your fingers to your neck. It's not like I'm feeling full on kicks nor am I feeling it on a regular basis. It's usually only when I'm laying down and have been still and quiet for awhile.
Despite the "barely" there movement. I can tell when my baby is really active. I jokingly call it "playtime." It struck me last night though because playtime started while it was adult time. I had to really wrap my brain around the two being simultaneous and if I was okay with that. I'm not sure I am!
What happens when I can really feel baby moving and kicking while ummm...yea.
I may have grown-up a lot this weekend with buying maternity clothes and a mommymobile but I'm not sure my mommy brain is ready to ponder the oddities of baby playing while having sex.
::chews lip in thought::
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Mama Knows Best
and Mama would be ME! (and I say that extremely smugly).
I went to the Dr. today. Everything was good. It took them awhile to find the heartbeat though, which started making me nervous. As much as I love seeing my baby on a sonogram, HAVING to have one always makes me apprehensive. So right before they were about to give up with the Doppler, I told them they should look right below my belly button where my stomach is hard because that's where I felt the kick.
They denied that baby would be up that far yet but as soon as they put the Doppler down where I pointed, there was the heartbeat. Beating beautiful and strong. I just smiled. They were impressed and confirmed that if baby had progressed to there I most certainly felt a kick and should start to feel them more regularly and stronger soon. Yea, I'm a little smug that I knew where my baby was. It made me feel like I was tuned in to my child after all and may not turn out to be such a bad mom after all.
Colopscopy came back okay too. No cells they are worried about biopsy etc. Will follow up with a pap after birth so I'm glad that is over. More importantly is that my Anatomy scan is in FOUR WEEKS! (I could have had it in two but would still have to come back for a regular appt in 4 and I don't need to miss more work than I have to so we are going to do it all at once). October 9th SQUEEEE. So excited.
I went to the Dr. today. Everything was good. It took them awhile to find the heartbeat though, which started making me nervous. As much as I love seeing my baby on a sonogram, HAVING to have one always makes me apprehensive. So right before they were about to give up with the Doppler, I told them they should look right below my belly button where my stomach is hard because that's where I felt the kick.
They denied that baby would be up that far yet but as soon as they put the Doppler down where I pointed, there was the heartbeat. Beating beautiful and strong. I just smiled. They were impressed and confirmed that if baby had progressed to there I most certainly felt a kick and should start to feel them more regularly and stronger soon. Yea, I'm a little smug that I knew where my baby was. It made me feel like I was tuned in to my child after all and may not turn out to be such a bad mom after all.
Colopscopy came back okay too. No cells they are worried about biopsy etc. Will follow up with a pap after birth so I'm glad that is over. More importantly is that my Anatomy scan is in FOUR WEEKS! (I could have had it in two but would still have to come back for a regular appt in 4 and I don't need to miss more work than I have to so we are going to do it all at once). October 9th SQUEEEE. So excited.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The First Flutters? HLB is that you?
I think I may have felt HLB last night. I’ve been waking up consistently between 3 and 4am and having trouble getting back to sleep. Often times my abdomen will be very sore during this time or I will wake up absolutely starving, ready to gnaw my own arm off.
I’ve started joking that it must be the baby’s active time because there really is no explanation for this pattern. Last night, I woke up, and it felt like my stomach had been used as a trampoline it was so sore (which is not out of the realm of possibility as my 17 lb cat likes to climb up on me and snuggle during the night). I put my hands over my stomach and I felt the slightest ripple of vibration from the inside.
I could not feel it through my hands or skin, but it was an internal feeling. It was something different that I haven’t felt before, not like gas bubbles. The best way I can describe it is a ripple of vibration feather light inside. I lay there for a long time trying to feel it again before I finally managed to drift off to sleep.
This morning, while I was sitting on the bed eating cereal and watching the morning news with my dog curled up beside me listening to Steve curse at the TV over some political story (which is hilarious), I thought I felt it again. I stopped moving and sat very still, but no repeat performance.
It’s exhilarating to think that it may just well be my child! I thought I would be a little wierded out when I started feeling him/her but its so exciting I want to burst with joy. I may change my mind about that when I’m getting kicked in the ribs though.
After eating decently all weekend and working hard yesterday outside, I was very disappointed in myself when the scales were way up this morning. A total of 5 lbs up (which is 3 lbs since Friday). I know it may be bloat but I’m afraid of the dr. tomorrow. I don’t want to be yelled at since they don’t want me gaining hardly anything! LOL.
I’ve started joking that it must be the baby’s active time because there really is no explanation for this pattern. Last night, I woke up, and it felt like my stomach had been used as a trampoline it was so sore (which is not out of the realm of possibility as my 17 lb cat likes to climb up on me and snuggle during the night). I put my hands over my stomach and I felt the slightest ripple of vibration from the inside.
I could not feel it through my hands or skin, but it was an internal feeling. It was something different that I haven’t felt before, not like gas bubbles. The best way I can describe it is a ripple of vibration feather light inside. I lay there for a long time trying to feel it again before I finally managed to drift off to sleep.
This morning, while I was sitting on the bed eating cereal and watching the morning news with my dog curled up beside me listening to Steve curse at the TV over some political story (which is hilarious), I thought I felt it again. I stopped moving and sat very still, but no repeat performance.
It’s exhilarating to think that it may just well be my child! I thought I would be a little wierded out when I started feeling him/her but its so exciting I want to burst with joy. I may change my mind about that when I’m getting kicked in the ribs though.
After eating decently all weekend and working hard yesterday outside, I was very disappointed in myself when the scales were way up this morning. A total of 5 lbs up (which is 3 lbs since Friday). I know it may be bloat but I’m afraid of the dr. tomorrow. I don’t want to be yelled at since they don’t want me gaining hardly anything! LOL.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Movement or lack thereof
On the 2nd Trimester Message Boards, they talk about feeling flutters, tickles, ghostly pokes, and what is described as a fish flipping over around 14 weeks. My book says nothing about feeling the baby yet, but many I know have mentioned these sensations around 15-16 weeks.
All I feel is pain and soreness, which I investigated via Google. In addition to RLP (round ligament Pain) the other twinges and constant soreness could not be explained until I found some information that said “Women with high hormone levels can experience feelings of soreness in the abdominal area through 18 weeks.” Well, we already know my progesterone level was through the roof (see stats to the left) and I have PCOS which makes my hormones batty anyway.
So am I not feeling the early signs of baby due to the soreness? Is the soreness more powerful than any flutter? Or am I not feeling the baby for some other reason?
I am not thinking there is something wrong, because I feel like my stomach is changing and firming up and rounding out. I wouldn’t be progressing like that if something was wrong. Right?
Last night, I looked in my book to see when it said I would start feeling movement and it actually said that “if you have had a baby before, you may start to feel movement around Week 17.”
So are these girls full of gas or is the Pregnancy Bible outdated and out of touch? All I know is that I can feel/see a difference in my stomach. I still have RLP occasionally, gas all the time, heartburn all the time, and abdominal tenderness/soreness quite frequently.
I think this period of Second Tri is a lull in pregnancy. You start feeling better after the “torture” of first tri ute stabs, puking and exhaustion but you aren’t feeling anything different quite yet.
Given HLB’s name, I’m considering this more of the Calm before the Storm. I have a feeling my little Hurricane is going to be a doozy and pack quite a punch once it becomes active.
All I feel is pain and soreness, which I investigated via Google. In addition to RLP (round ligament Pain) the other twinges and constant soreness could not be explained until I found some information that said “Women with high hormone levels can experience feelings of soreness in the abdominal area through 18 weeks.” Well, we already know my progesterone level was through the roof (see stats to the left) and I have PCOS which makes my hormones batty anyway.
So am I not feeling the early signs of baby due to the soreness? Is the soreness more powerful than any flutter? Or am I not feeling the baby for some other reason?
I am not thinking there is something wrong, because I feel like my stomach is changing and firming up and rounding out. I wouldn’t be progressing like that if something was wrong. Right?
Last night, I looked in my book to see when it said I would start feeling movement and it actually said that “if you have had a baby before, you may start to feel movement around Week 17.”
So are these girls full of gas or is the Pregnancy Bible outdated and out of touch? All I know is that I can feel/see a difference in my stomach. I still have RLP occasionally, gas all the time, heartburn all the time, and abdominal tenderness/soreness quite frequently.
I think this period of Second Tri is a lull in pregnancy. You start feeling better after the “torture” of first tri ute stabs, puking and exhaustion but you aren’t feeling anything different quite yet.
Given HLB’s name, I’m considering this more of the Calm before the Storm. I have a feeling my little Hurricane is going to be a doozy and pack quite a punch once it becomes active.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Introducing HLB
Yesterday, was once again, amazing. They couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler so they sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound found it right away and there was my sweet babe sucking its thumb. When she pressed down with the ultrasound wand/thingie my feisty little babe reared back and kicked with all its might, both legs and butt in the air. Oh he/she was MAD! Heaven help us, s/he has my temper and Daddy’s long legs. At 11 weeks 5 days old, my babe has an attitude and does not like to be disturbed.
The very last image before she stopped was of a little perfect arm and hand waving goodbye. It was the most amazing thing. It felt like Christmas.
It is completely beyond my comprehension though that there can be THAT much movement and I feel NOTHING. It’s so bizarre to see that little image of this perfect little being with an attitude and not be able to feel it. It’s so surreal!
The very last image before she stopped was of a little perfect arm and hand waving goodbye. It was the most amazing thing. It felt like Christmas.
It is completely beyond my comprehension though that there can be THAT much movement and I feel NOTHING. It’s so bizarre to see that little image of this perfect little being with an attitude and not be able to feel it. It’s so surreal!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Catchup (or Ketchup) Fruit Pics
As Jeanna pointed out I am behind on updating my fruit pics. I do apologize but we were behind a bit in taking them as my schedule was differing from my photographer (the ever lovely Beth). We are caught up though and as we start incorporating Belly Pics soon we will be more diligent about taking them weekly. Promise. (my toes were crossed, just to warn you..LOL)
This weeks: Prune
Last Weeks: Olive
Week 8: Raspberry
This weeks: Prune
Last Weeks: Olive
Week 8: Raspberry
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dr. Update!
I don’t even know where to begin. Friday, we had the first official OB appointment, blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound went well. It was the first ultrasound that was completely good news actually. I was so dazed I had trouble taking it all in. There was a little peanut on the screen with a beautiful heartbeat at 162bpm. When she measured, it measured exactly 8 weeks 2 days which is perfectly in line with my ovulation. I was stunned. The happiness didn’t really set in but pure overwhelming relief did. I felt like I could breathe. I’ve been holding my breath for weeks and I suddenly could breathe.
I was filled with such wonder and peacefulness that I didn’t want to ruin my little bubble of joy by going to work. So I didn’t. (It would have been 2 before I got there anyway). I went and picked up Panera Bread and fell asleep on the sofa with the dogs curled around me. I slept so well. It was a peaceful sleep because I knew everything was okay. I think it’s the first time I’ve slept decently in weeks as well. (No breathing, no sleeping, no wonder I’ve been a wreck).
The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. We had friends over both days and relaxed in the pool. DH helped me clean the house Saturday morning and ran errands with me Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was spent with him helping me, friends relaxing, cuddling and napping with my husband. It was a much needed weekend.
I also found out this morning at work, that I get 12 weeks maternity leave. I’m very excited. So I’m going to be optimistic that things are going to go more smoothly now and the months are going to FLY by as fall is a very busy time of year for us. We have a beach trip coming up (the first time in three years we have traveled at all even to his family’s), followed shortly by my Dad’s big 60th birthday party hosted by yours truly, decorating the house for the fall and Halloween holidays. A few weeks after that is our annual Halloween Chili party which to us kicks off the holidays as the few weeks after that is spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping (and of course this year our big ultrasound will garner lots of excitement before Thanksgiving) and on to the marathon of Christmas events with a full weeks vacation which I will use for nursery decorating.
Then its only three short months till baby! By the time I return from Maternity leave 2011 will be half over! Do you see how I am already panicky because the time is just going to whiz right by me! At the same time, a busy and fast moving time span is very appealing after three years of “waiting.” I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant but I also want to be busy and get to the next thing. The In between times especially this early when I can’t feel anything, is killer.
I guess its safe to start the weekly updates and belly pics now huh?
I was filled with such wonder and peacefulness that I didn’t want to ruin my little bubble of joy by going to work. So I didn’t. (It would have been 2 before I got there anyway). I went and picked up Panera Bread and fell asleep on the sofa with the dogs curled around me. I slept so well. It was a peaceful sleep because I knew everything was okay. I think it’s the first time I’ve slept decently in weeks as well. (No breathing, no sleeping, no wonder I’ve been a wreck).
The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. We had friends over both days and relaxed in the pool. DH helped me clean the house Saturday morning and ran errands with me Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was spent with him helping me, friends relaxing, cuddling and napping with my husband. It was a much needed weekend.
I also found out this morning at work, that I get 12 weeks maternity leave. I’m very excited. So I’m going to be optimistic that things are going to go more smoothly now and the months are going to FLY by as fall is a very busy time of year for us. We have a beach trip coming up (the first time in three years we have traveled at all even to his family’s), followed shortly by my Dad’s big 60th birthday party hosted by yours truly, decorating the house for the fall and Halloween holidays. A few weeks after that is our annual Halloween Chili party which to us kicks off the holidays as the few weeks after that is spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping (and of course this year our big ultrasound will garner lots of excitement before Thanksgiving) and on to the marathon of Christmas events with a full weeks vacation which I will use for nursery decorating.
Then its only three short months till baby! By the time I return from Maternity leave 2011 will be half over! Do you see how I am already panicky because the time is just going to whiz right by me! At the same time, a busy and fast moving time span is very appealing after three years of “waiting.” I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant but I also want to be busy and get to the next thing. The In between times especially this early when I can’t feel anything, is killer.
I guess its safe to start the weekly updates and belly pics now huh?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
AW I'm a Fruity Person anyway ;)
Despite my hesitancy over this pregnancy coming to “fruition”, I have wanted to keep up with the early stages. Ways to commemorate the process no matter how it ends this time. It’s been weird doing this but at the same time gives me hope. I took inspiration from my friend jcam’s fruited belly pics and from thebump’s progress ticker that compares each week with a fruit/veggie size for baby.
With the help of my dear friend Beth, we embarked on a weekly photography journey starting at five weeks. (sorry folks I missed the poppy seed stage). I’ll try and post each picture weekly but just to catch you up, following are the first three pics, in reverse order.
Week 7: Blueberry
Week 6: Sweet Pea
Week 5: Appleseed
I hope we don’t run out of ideas before the end! Once I start showing I will try and do more belly pics as well but for now, I’m digging the “fruitful” artistic expressions. Don’t hold your breathe to catch an elusive sighting of my husband though. We’ll be lucky if we can even get him to participate in maternity photo’s much less weekly food art! LOL
With the help of my dear friend Beth, we embarked on a weekly photography journey starting at five weeks. (sorry folks I missed the poppy seed stage). I’ll try and post each picture weekly but just to catch you up, following are the first three pics, in reverse order.
Week 7: Blueberry
Week 6: Sweet Pea
Week 5: Appleseed
I hope we don’t run out of ideas before the end! Once I start showing I will try and do more belly pics as well but for now, I’m digging the “fruitful” artistic expressions. Don’t hold your breathe to catch an elusive sighting of my husband though. We’ll be lucky if we can even get him to participate in maternity photo’s much less weekly food art! LOL
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's never simple or easy is it?
I wish for once, I could have complete good news when I visit the Dr. This is why I don’t ever want to go alone again because I always get some kind of negative news. This morning, I had an ultrasound. The good news is: the sac is in the uterus. No ectopic and there wasn’t as much fluid. Unfortunately, we couldn’t just leave it there. No, we had to measure the sac and tell me it was 4 weeks 6 days. Well NO I had an ultrasound at that point in my pregnancy and they couldn’t even FIND the sac which is why I came back today…at 5 weeks 5days. So now you are telling me this baby is measuring a week behind already. And all I can think of is: “Exactly like bumblebee.”
Looking back I always felt I should have known bumblebee wouldn’t make it because he was measuring behind from the get go. But I didn’t let it worry me. Now with this one it has been one worry after another. I’m trying so hard to enjoy being pregnant because of that deep fear that it won’t last, but how can I help it when I am constantly getting news like this?
I feel numb and broken. Everyone keeps saying: “it’s great news, don’t worry!” but all I want to do is cry because I have such a sick feeling in my gut. So I’m pretending to everyone that I’m fine and I’m not worried when all I want to do is throw up.
Looking back I always felt I should have known bumblebee wouldn’t make it because he was measuring behind from the get go. But I didn’t let it worry me. Now with this one it has been one worry after another. I’m trying so hard to enjoy being pregnant because of that deep fear that it won’t last, but how can I help it when I am constantly getting news like this?
I feel numb and broken. Everyone keeps saying: “it’s great news, don’t worry!” but all I want to do is cry because I have such a sick feeling in my gut. So I’m pretending to everyone that I’m fine and I’m not worried when all I want to do is throw up.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
10 WEEK Update
How far along? 10 weeks.HOLY COW. Time is starting to move now!
Total weight gain: Unsure.
Maternity clothes? Nope. Not even a bella band.
Sleep: Uneven and uncomfortable.
Best moment this week: DH offering to go get me icecream before bed because I wanted some. So cliche!
Gender: I'm back and forth between boy and girl.
Movement: No.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Not having HeartBurn EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
What I am looking forward to: Shopping for DH's birthday.
Weekly Wisdom: Gingersnaps are a girl's Best Friend. (not diamonds despite what Marylin said)
Milestones: I'm not quite as exhausted as before despite the lack of sleep so maybe my energy is returning.
Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)
Total weight gain: Unsure.
Maternity clothes? Nope. Not even a bella band.
Sleep: Uneven and uncomfortable.
Best moment this week: DH offering to go get me icecream before bed because I wanted some. So cliche!
Gender: I'm back and forth between boy and girl.
Movement: No.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Not having HeartBurn EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
What I am looking forward to: Shopping for DH's birthday.
Weekly Wisdom: Gingersnaps are a girl's Best Friend. (not diamonds despite what Marylin said)
Milestones: I'm not quite as exhausted as before despite the lack of sleep so maybe my energy is returning.
Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Baby at 9 Weeks
Baby's now the size of a green olive!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)