Week 11-Lime
(with a Key Lime Cupcake)
Week 12-Plum
(with the beautiful moon rising over over the trees in my front yard. )
Showing posts with label 1st tri. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1st tri. Show all posts
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Fruit Pics- Week 11 and 12
I am officially in 2nd Trimester and other then still being tired after an overly full day yesterday and my sleep still being messed up I still can't tell I'm pregnant. LOL Before I start posting in the second tri though, I wanted to finish First Tri's pic's up. Our schedules were off the past few weeks so I ended up taking this pics by myself so don't blame the fabulous Beth for my poor photography. LOL
Week 11-Lime
(with a Key Lime Cupcake)
Week 12-Plum
(with the beautiful moon rising over over the trees in my front yard. )
Week 11-Lime
(with a Key Lime Cupcake)
Week 12-Plum
(with the beautiful moon rising over over the trees in my front yard. )
Friday, September 24, 2010
Hi, I think my name is psycho Hormonal crazy pants
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Is this the psycho hormones I always hear about? I have MOCKED people for blaming hormones for their behavior but now I’m not so sure I should be doing that.
Let’s start with me being a horrible mother. Lately, my dogs (the doxies) have been whining at night. Nothing is wrong with them, they just aren’t sleeping and whining to get out of their crates and be with us. They have been in their routine for TWO years so I don’t know why this whining has started now! They have always whined when the sun was up and/or they hear the alarm going off. They want out to use the bathroom understandably. But ALL NIGHT LONG? That is new.
The past two nights, I chalked it up to them hearing my husband up moving around as he’s had an upset stomach. I’m also thinking my more frequent bathroom trips at night are causing them unrest as they hear me. Last night however, two hours after bed, they woke ME up whining. I yelled at them. Ten minutes later, whining resumed. I yelled again. Same thing. So I finally get up and go in there, and pop their little butts. (yes, on occasion, I lightly pop their butts-it hurts their feelings more than anything, get over it.) Finally silence. An hour later, I woke up to resumed whining. I LOST MY SHIT. I took my poor little dogs, crates and all and put them outside on the porch. I was so tired, I just wanted sleep and was at my wits end and cramps had kicked in real low stressing me out. Of course, I didn’t get any sleep the rest of the night because I laid in bed and cried my eyes out because I was such a horrible mother and started thinking about the long nights ahead with a screaming child which I absolutely can not stick in a crate and dump outside. (I also can not call in to work because of whining dogs where I can with a sick child). (BTW, this is the first time in 13 years, I have ever put a dog outside like that-in fact my 13 yo Chow/shepherd mix glared at me, like “wtf are you doing mom.” And slept by the back door where the doxies were at).
So needless to say, my husband woke up to me- a balling panicky mess this morning that is completely exhausted, feeling quite inhumane and cruel and thinking I am going to be the worst mother in history.
My dogs are fine. It was a beautiful balmy night and I went to the back door to see them snoozing away and happy as clams when I let them out to potty. They were their normal overly loving selves when we came back in the house.
I get to work and am immediately bombarded by a nasty email from one of our counterparts in Germany. He copied the higher ups and completely LIED in his email and distorted the situation. My boss told me what he was going to reply and it was basically just letting him do what he wants because he didn’t want to deal with him and did not address the issue of the lies. I LOST IT. (and I don’t lose it at work people. I am a hardass and I become a complete bitch. I DO NOT EFFING CRY.) I started uncontrollably sobbing. Of course I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom where I spent a half hour soaking my face in cold rags and slobbering into a wad of toilet paper. I AM A MESS.
I did regain some semblance of composure and wrote a very scathing reply with facts and supporting documents and sent it to my boss. He laughed at me and he can send it as is or change it. I don’t care. Since then I have fought the tears by stuffing my face with Coco Rice Krispy treats from a co-worker.
W.T.F. is wrong with me? Is this just hormones? Is this lack of sleep? Combination of both? Or am I really doomed to be a psycho mom that gets her kids taken away because I dump them on the porch at night? I feel completely out of my element, and barely myself. What happened to me?
Let’s start with me being a horrible mother. Lately, my dogs (the doxies) have been whining at night. Nothing is wrong with them, they just aren’t sleeping and whining to get out of their crates and be with us. They have been in their routine for TWO years so I don’t know why this whining has started now! They have always whined when the sun was up and/or they hear the alarm going off. They want out to use the bathroom understandably. But ALL NIGHT LONG? That is new.
The past two nights, I chalked it up to them hearing my husband up moving around as he’s had an upset stomach. I’m also thinking my more frequent bathroom trips at night are causing them unrest as they hear me. Last night however, two hours after bed, they woke ME up whining. I yelled at them. Ten minutes later, whining resumed. I yelled again. Same thing. So I finally get up and go in there, and pop their little butts. (yes, on occasion, I lightly pop their butts-it hurts their feelings more than anything, get over it.) Finally silence. An hour later, I woke up to resumed whining. I LOST MY SHIT. I took my poor little dogs, crates and all and put them outside on the porch. I was so tired, I just wanted sleep and was at my wits end and cramps had kicked in real low stressing me out. Of course, I didn’t get any sleep the rest of the night because I laid in bed and cried my eyes out because I was such a horrible mother and started thinking about the long nights ahead with a screaming child which I absolutely can not stick in a crate and dump outside. (I also can not call in to work because of whining dogs where I can with a sick child). (BTW, this is the first time in 13 years, I have ever put a dog outside like that-in fact my 13 yo Chow/shepherd mix glared at me, like “wtf are you doing mom.” And slept by the back door where the doxies were at).
So needless to say, my husband woke up to me- a balling panicky mess this morning that is completely exhausted, feeling quite inhumane and cruel and thinking I am going to be the worst mother in history.
My dogs are fine. It was a beautiful balmy night and I went to the back door to see them snoozing away and happy as clams when I let them out to potty. They were their normal overly loving selves when we came back in the house.
I get to work and am immediately bombarded by a nasty email from one of our counterparts in Germany. He copied the higher ups and completely LIED in his email and distorted the situation. My boss told me what he was going to reply and it was basically just letting him do what he wants because he didn’t want to deal with him and did not address the issue of the lies. I LOST IT. (and I don’t lose it at work people. I am a hardass and I become a complete bitch. I DO NOT EFFING CRY.) I started uncontrollably sobbing. Of course I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom where I spent a half hour soaking my face in cold rags and slobbering into a wad of toilet paper. I AM A MESS.
I did regain some semblance of composure and wrote a very scathing reply with facts and supporting documents and sent it to my boss. He laughed at me and he can send it as is or change it. I don’t care. Since then I have fought the tears by stuffing my face with Coco Rice Krispy treats from a co-worker.
W.T.F. is wrong with me? Is this just hormones? Is this lack of sleep? Combination of both? Or am I really doomed to be a psycho mom that gets her kids taken away because I dump them on the porch at night? I feel completely out of my element, and barely myself. What happened to me?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Power of Hormones and Dreams
Why is it that, as women, whatever happens in our dreams we carry over to real life, particularly if it’s bad? Dreams, especially when pregnant, can be so vividly real that it is hard to distinguish between the dream world and real life even upon waking. When you get that vivid dream early in the morning, right before the alarm goes off, and are startled into wakefulness, there is a distinct disorientation that takes place.
In my house, when this happens, my husband usually gets the blunt end of the stick figuratively speaking. No matter what happens, he is always the reason for my wrath or pain in my dreams, and my victim during those first waking moments. He takes the blame with humor and grace though. I give him that.
This morning’s dream? He came home late at night with a friend from school (in an old beater car) and reeked of marijuana. I was FURIOUS. My home is a drug free zone. We are drug free people. The one area I have always been a goody two shoes is drugs. I have honestly never touched the stuff, not even a second hand whiff. I have no desire to. My husband’s past, before me, a little sketchy in that area, but as I said, that was BEFORE I ever came into the picture.
I have three rules: No cheating, No lying, and No drugs. Those are end all breaking points in my book and I’ve never worried about any of them with him. Not once in 6 years have I even come close to thinking he would break my trust or those rules. These are sacred trusts to me. I’ve been burned by all three in past relationships. Putting your life unknowingly in the hands of a driver who unbeknownst to you is high as a kite on cocaine is not an experience I ever want to repeat.
So in my grogginess this morning, while my husband was cuddled up to me, rubbing my stomach trying to wake me up, I was pretty irrational at first. Fortunately, I was too tired to do more than mumble at him that he was smoking pot and I was furious.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done this (pregnant or not) and won’t be the last. No matter how many times it happens though, he always asks the question of WHY he gets blamed for everything that happens in MY dreams. LOL
That’s completely not true darling. I NEVER blame you when I’m having a good ROMP with Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson or Jensen Ackles.
In my house, when this happens, my husband usually gets the blunt end of the stick figuratively speaking. No matter what happens, he is always the reason for my wrath or pain in my dreams, and my victim during those first waking moments. He takes the blame with humor and grace though. I give him that.
This morning’s dream? He came home late at night with a friend from school (in an old beater car) and reeked of marijuana. I was FURIOUS. My home is a drug free zone. We are drug free people. The one area I have always been a goody two shoes is drugs. I have honestly never touched the stuff, not even a second hand whiff. I have no desire to. My husband’s past, before me, a little sketchy in that area, but as I said, that was BEFORE I ever came into the picture.
I have three rules: No cheating, No lying, and No drugs. Those are end all breaking points in my book and I’ve never worried about any of them with him. Not once in 6 years have I even come close to thinking he would break my trust or those rules. These are sacred trusts to me. I’ve been burned by all three in past relationships. Putting your life unknowingly in the hands of a driver who unbeknownst to you is high as a kite on cocaine is not an experience I ever want to repeat.
So in my grogginess this morning, while my husband was cuddled up to me, rubbing my stomach trying to wake me up, I was pretty irrational at first. Fortunately, I was too tired to do more than mumble at him that he was smoking pot and I was furious.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done this (pregnant or not) and won’t be the last. No matter how many times it happens though, he always asks the question of WHY he gets blamed for everything that happens in MY dreams. LOL
That’s completely not true darling. I NEVER blame you when I’m having a good ROMP with Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson or Jensen Ackles.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I don't know HOW to be pregnant
I know nothing about being pregnant. IF, TTC or PCOS? I’ve got that covered. I’ve researched PCOS, diets for PCOS, treatments for PCOS. I’ve struggled with emotions of inferiority, bitterness, inadequacy, etc. I KNOW how to handle those. I can spout side-effects and statistics of Clomid in my sleep. I’ve read Fertility Books and what to do and not to do in the first trimester.
Now, I am in territory I’ve never been in and suddenly realize I have no clue what I am doing. All my knowledge and know how is out the window because I’ve never READ this far or BEEN this far. I’m entering a phase where I could be asking stupid questions and getting side-eyed because I feel like a moron.
I still THINK like an IFer and Miscarriage survivor. Those are still my identities. I do not think like a pregnant woman going in to her 2nd Trimester. I don’t know HOW to do that. Who knew those feelings of inadequacy and inferiority would continue on but with new direction? I surely didn’t. (and don’t call me Shirley)
For example today’s “What I don’t know”: Is cracked lips, dry bloody nose and tight chest and itchy skin normal? Is it because I’m pumping more blood and need even more water to keep hydrated as I’m sharing with the baby? I know I’m supposed to drink more water than normal but I feel like I’m trying to water the Sarah Dessert with a garden sprinkler here.
So what do I need to know? What books do you recommend for me? I have the Pregnancy Bible and I’ve been reading that. I have What to Expect stashed somewhere though I admit, I’ve never been a big fan of that book since I read some of its fear mongering.
If you could leave me and my readers any piece of information what would it be? Could be a book recommendation, a to do list, etc.
Now, I am in territory I’ve never been in and suddenly realize I have no clue what I am doing. All my knowledge and know how is out the window because I’ve never READ this far or BEEN this far. I’m entering a phase where I could be asking stupid questions and getting side-eyed because I feel like a moron.
I still THINK like an IFer and Miscarriage survivor. Those are still my identities. I do not think like a pregnant woman going in to her 2nd Trimester. I don’t know HOW to do that. Who knew those feelings of inadequacy and inferiority would continue on but with new direction? I surely didn’t. (and don’t call me Shirley)
For example today’s “What I don’t know”: Is cracked lips, dry bloody nose and tight chest and itchy skin normal? Is it because I’m pumping more blood and need even more water to keep hydrated as I’m sharing with the baby? I know I’m supposed to drink more water than normal but I feel like I’m trying to water the Sarah Dessert with a garden sprinkler here.
So what do I need to know? What books do you recommend for me? I have the Pregnancy Bible and I’ve been reading that. I have What to Expect stashed somewhere though I admit, I’ve never been a big fan of that book since I read some of its fear mongering.
If you could leave me and my readers any piece of information what would it be? Could be a book recommendation, a to do list, etc.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Introducing HLB
Yesterday, was once again, amazing. They couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler so they sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound found it right away and there was my sweet babe sucking its thumb. When she pressed down with the ultrasound wand/thingie my feisty little babe reared back and kicked with all its might, both legs and butt in the air. Oh he/she was MAD! Heaven help us, s/he has my temper and Daddy’s long legs. At 11 weeks 5 days old, my babe has an attitude and does not like to be disturbed.
The very last image before she stopped was of a little perfect arm and hand waving goodbye. It was the most amazing thing. It felt like Christmas.
It is completely beyond my comprehension though that there can be THAT much movement and I feel NOTHING. It’s so bizarre to see that little image of this perfect little being with an attitude and not be able to feel it. It’s so surreal!
The very last image before she stopped was of a little perfect arm and hand waving goodbye. It was the most amazing thing. It felt like Christmas.
It is completely beyond my comprehension though that there can be THAT much movement and I feel NOTHING. It’s so bizarre to see that little image of this perfect little being with an attitude and not be able to feel it. It’s so surreal!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Inevitable Fear
I’m very nervous about today. Over the weekend, I had crazy diarrhea, not to mention excruciating back, neck and shoulder pain. Since yesterday the fear has crept back in and I’ve done everything to keep it at bay including ordering something for the baby as a sign I believe my baby is there and okay.
This morning though, things are not quite as defiantly hopeful. I got on the scale and I’m down two pounds, which means I weigh less than when I first got pregnant. I know that’s not atypical for the first tri due to morning sickness etc. but I ate this weekend. Heck, for dinner last night I had a piece of fried chicken and green bean casserole with a soda! I hope its just nerves and that everything is going to be beautiful and I will finally relax into this pregnancy. I said in the very beginning I was going to enjoy every moment with this baby in case it didn’t last and I have failed miserably because I keep expecting each moment to be the last.
I think if everything is fine today, I’m not holding back anymore. I’m going to go out and buy baby things. I’m so afraid to buy anything or to jinx myself and it can’t be healthy. I purchased a book last time for Bumblebee and shortly after I lost him. Maybe its bad form or me trying to be courageous in the face of adversity (my own thoughts) but I purchased a book for Ladybug last night. After today though? I’m buying whatever I want. A snuggly blanket, a stuffed animal, a sweet little sleeper with an owl on it. I can’t hold back in fear anymore. I can’t. I have to start treating this pregnancy like its going to make it to gain the confidence for it to actually do so.
In the back of my mind, I keep waiting for it to go wrong and I come up with all these reasons. The most recent: I’ve skipped church three weeks in a row so God is going to punish me. I KNOW this isn’t true but maybe it’s me trying to cast blame somewhere. I don’t know why I do this to myself when I could be more productive and make a happier healthier environment by just believing in myself and my body’s capability to hold life.
This morning though, things are not quite as defiantly hopeful. I got on the scale and I’m down two pounds, which means I weigh less than when I first got pregnant. I know that’s not atypical for the first tri due to morning sickness etc. but I ate this weekend. Heck, for dinner last night I had a piece of fried chicken and green bean casserole with a soda! I hope its just nerves and that everything is going to be beautiful and I will finally relax into this pregnancy. I said in the very beginning I was going to enjoy every moment with this baby in case it didn’t last and I have failed miserably because I keep expecting each moment to be the last.
I think if everything is fine today, I’m not holding back anymore. I’m going to go out and buy baby things. I’m so afraid to buy anything or to jinx myself and it can’t be healthy. I purchased a book last time for Bumblebee and shortly after I lost him. Maybe its bad form or me trying to be courageous in the face of adversity (my own thoughts) but I purchased a book for Ladybug last night. After today though? I’m buying whatever I want. A snuggly blanket, a stuffed animal, a sweet little sleeper with an owl on it. I can’t hold back in fear anymore. I can’t. I have to start treating this pregnancy like its going to make it to gain the confidence for it to actually do so.
In the back of my mind, I keep waiting for it to go wrong and I come up with all these reasons. The most recent: I’ve skipped church three weeks in a row so God is going to punish me. I KNOW this isn’t true but maybe it’s me trying to cast blame somewhere. I don’t know why I do this to myself when I could be more productive and make a happier healthier environment by just believing in myself and my body’s capability to hold life.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Locked and Loaded
Let’s talk about my nipples shall we, because frankly I’m obsessed with this topic? I’ve had the occasional problem with nipple hardness and tenderness. Last night however, they felt like someone was ripping them off. I literally sat with a heating pad across my breasts for an hour before I got some comfort.
This morning, they are at it again. Granted I sit underneath an air-conditioning unit at work but this is ridiculous. I have on a cable knit SWEATER (with it being 92 outside), a cotton t-shirt and a cotton seamless bra and they are already aching. It’s not even 9:30am. How am I supposed to get through the day dealing with this? I do not have a heating pad. I also work in a cramped little office with four men. It’s not like I can sit here holding my breasts or holding my shirt away from my breasts in front of them! Three of them don’t even know I’m pregnant (though they may be starting to suspect it)!
So here I sit miserably trying not to puke again. On top of that my gas is atrocious. I literally have gas bubbles rioting happily through my body. They occasionally exit, quite loudly and obnoxiously sometimes causing me to puke on top of it. For the most part though, they just make me feel like they are going to explode out of my stomach with their interpretation of Sigourney Weaver giving birth to an Alien circa 1988.
I’ve thus come to the conclusion, that the problems are not independent of each other. The GAS is trying to exit through my nipples in true torpedo titty style. I could take out half my coworkers in a blaze of glory that would be remembered in history books by firing rounds of gas bombs by cupping my breast and pointing my nipples! Maybe then I could gain some relief! I think the Second Amendment should be adjusted to include the right to “bare” breasts especially in war time situations.
If I am this run down to the point of wishing I had stayed home, how in the world am I going to make it through 3rd tri when I’m uncomfortable and exhausted? Is 3rd tri truly worse than 1st?
This morning, they are at it again. Granted I sit underneath an air-conditioning unit at work but this is ridiculous. I have on a cable knit SWEATER (with it being 92 outside), a cotton t-shirt and a cotton seamless bra and they are already aching. It’s not even 9:30am. How am I supposed to get through the day dealing with this? I do not have a heating pad. I also work in a cramped little office with four men. It’s not like I can sit here holding my breasts or holding my shirt away from my breasts in front of them! Three of them don’t even know I’m pregnant (though they may be starting to suspect it)!
So here I sit miserably trying not to puke again. On top of that my gas is atrocious. I literally have gas bubbles rioting happily through my body. They occasionally exit, quite loudly and obnoxiously sometimes causing me to puke on top of it. For the most part though, they just make me feel like they are going to explode out of my stomach with their interpretation of Sigourney Weaver giving birth to an Alien circa 1988.
I’ve thus come to the conclusion, that the problems are not independent of each other. The GAS is trying to exit through my nipples in true torpedo titty style. I could take out half my coworkers in a blaze of glory that would be remembered in history books by firing rounds of gas bombs by cupping my breast and pointing my nipples! Maybe then I could gain some relief! I think the Second Amendment should be adjusted to include the right to “bare” breasts especially in war time situations.
If I am this run down to the point of wishing I had stayed home, how in the world am I going to make it through 3rd tri when I’m uncomfortable and exhausted? Is 3rd tri truly worse than 1st?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Catchup (or Ketchup) Fruit Pics
As Jeanna pointed out I am behind on updating my fruit pics. I do apologize but we were behind a bit in taking them as my schedule was differing from my photographer (the ever lovely Beth). We are caught up though and as we start incorporating Belly Pics soon we will be more diligent about taking them weekly. Promise. (my toes were crossed, just to warn you..LOL)
This weeks: Prune
Last Weeks: Olive
Week 8: Raspberry
This weeks: Prune
Last Weeks: Olive
Week 8: Raspberry
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hurricane Season-HLB
For some reason, we apparently have a bug fetish in our house (which is pretty odd considering I despise insects). When we found out we were pregnant this time, DH and I started dreaming about STUFF again. Surprisingly we were drawn to all the ladybug bedding. We looked at boy stuff but every time either of us came across a ladybug pattern we immediately became all soft and gooey. (and we had always planned to do a girl’s nursery in fairies!)
After our sonogram that found the sac in the right place, my mother (who knew nothing of our ladybug fetish) said the sonogram looked like a ladybug. So I started with the nickname Ladybug (even though I feel bad if it turns out to be a boy sticking him with a ladybug nickname in the womb. LOL). DH’s Dad called after seeing the sonogram and said it looked like a Hurricane…which it does.
Thus HLB (Hurricane Ladybug) came into existence. I consider it kind of fitting that DH and I are taking a short vacation (if you can call visiting the in-laws a vacation) to the coast with two hurricanes coming in this weekend! It’s been well over a year and a half since we have been anywhere. Of COURSE, hurricanes have to threaten the coast EXACTLY where we are headed. Fortunately, the first one should hit Thursday night/Friday morning if it comes ashore at all and we won’t be down there till Friday evening. The second one is not predicted to be very strong but may come in Sunday night/Monday. Due to our high pressure systems, they are predicting they will hook out into the ocean like Hurricane Danielle did but Earl (what a redneck hurricane name) may graze us.
We are keeping an eye on them. We would never put our baby in harms way even if we are both accustomed to hurricanes having been through a few ourselves. I just find it completely ironic that we are heading into them with another little hurricane in tow!
I am planning to do very little except sofa surf. DH has several home repair projects to complete for his parents but I’m taking a good book, a bathing suit and my cuddly dogs. I plan on sitting on the beach, visiting my nephews and seeing my SIL’s new house. That’s about it.
What are your plans for the upcoming Labor Day weekend (or regular weekend for you Canadians!)?
After our sonogram that found the sac in the right place, my mother (who knew nothing of our ladybug fetish) said the sonogram looked like a ladybug. So I started with the nickname Ladybug (even though I feel bad if it turns out to be a boy sticking him with a ladybug nickname in the womb. LOL). DH’s Dad called after seeing the sonogram and said it looked like a Hurricane…which it does.
Thus HLB (Hurricane Ladybug) came into existence. I consider it kind of fitting that DH and I are taking a short vacation (if you can call visiting the in-laws a vacation) to the coast with two hurricanes coming in this weekend! It’s been well over a year and a half since we have been anywhere. Of COURSE, hurricanes have to threaten the coast EXACTLY where we are headed. Fortunately, the first one should hit Thursday night/Friday morning if it comes ashore at all and we won’t be down there till Friday evening. The second one is not predicted to be very strong but may come in Sunday night/Monday. Due to our high pressure systems, they are predicting they will hook out into the ocean like Hurricane Danielle did but Earl (what a redneck hurricane name) may graze us.
We are keeping an eye on them. We would never put our baby in harms way even if we are both accustomed to hurricanes having been through a few ourselves. I just find it completely ironic that we are heading into them with another little hurricane in tow!
I am planning to do very little except sofa surf. DH has several home repair projects to complete for his parents but I’m taking a good book, a bathing suit and my cuddly dogs. I plan on sitting on the beach, visiting my nephews and seeing my SIL’s new house. That’s about it.
What are your plans for the upcoming Labor Day weekend (or regular weekend for you Canadians!)?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Whiney Poor Pitiful Me Monday
I’m hoping it’s just the Monday blues but I’m back to being a doubting Debbie. I woke up this morning with full intention of having a good day. I dressed the part, took time to curl my hair and ran out the door only a few minutes behind schedule. Then nothing.
My car wouldn’t start. No clicking, no groaning, nothing. Silence. Completely dead. So I saw one neighbor’s car still there, and I trotted across the just cut dewey grass to knock on their door. They didn’t answer. Their dog didn’t even bark so I have no idea where they were. I do know, I was now, not getting to work, my sandals and feet were caked in wet cut grass, my pants were wet and I had ripped my hem.
I finally got hold of my husband who graciously said I’ll be home in 10 to jump it, so there I sat dejected on the front porch steps waiting while the humidity made my hair frizz and sweat started rolling down my face. TWENTY-FIVE minutes later he rolled in. He was loading his work truck for the day to go out on a job site and so he finished and just drove the work truck by the house on his way so it wouldn’t delay him any. I can’t blame him for that, I would have done the same thing in his situation.
My car fired right up as soon as he connected them. So off I went to Auto Zone for a new battery. I wasn’t even that upset with my car. It’s a good car. That battery has lasted for 8 years and the car had warned me on occasion with the battery light showing that it was getting time to get a new one. Seriously, 8 years and 85,000 miles later, I need a new battery. Big whoop. It was just inconvenient to have to do it first thing on a Monday morning and be an hour late to work!
I did make it though. Wet grassy shoes, ripped hem, frizzy hair and all. Whew. Maybe the worst of today is over. Well, no. Then I get to check my bank account and realize thanks to a $100.00 battery that was not planned into the budget, a labor day weekend trip and eating out twice because of a hectic schedule that was not planned either, we are going to be short this pay period and have to dip slightly into savings rather than contributing to it.
Okay. So now I’m at work, with an achy upset stomach, my pants are not only ripped and wet but they are falling off my butt because my bloat went away. I’m feeling very discouraged and NOT pregnant. That fear is creeping in and its two weeks till my next appt. This week marks the week (in the timeline) that I found out we had miscarried. I never made it past this mark. So even though my baby had a heartbeat measuring past when we lost the other one, this is still a milestone for us. I won’t even know if we made it past the milestone for two more weeks!
My mom told me to call the Dr. but what am I supposed to say? “I know you are busy and trying to fit everything in before labor day but I would really like a sonogram because I don’t feel pregnant?...No I’ve had no pain, or bleeding but my cat’s not being as snuggly over the weekend and my m/s is practically non existent now.” Yea, that will go over well, I’m sure. I still have heartburn and gas. I’m still pretty exhausted though I’m getting bursts of energy where I clean like crazy. (During one of those yesterday, I did four loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, cooked dinner, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen.) I’m just back to “not feeling it.” I know, if it weren’t for morning sickness, I probably wouldn’t even know I was at this stage of the game. I’m thankful I haven’t gained weight (okay, two pounds) and the bloat is gone so my pants are back to falling off but I wish I could find some sign of pregnancy that would reassure me on days like today. Is that too much to ask for?
My car wouldn’t start. No clicking, no groaning, nothing. Silence. Completely dead. So I saw one neighbor’s car still there, and I trotted across the just cut dewey grass to knock on their door. They didn’t answer. Their dog didn’t even bark so I have no idea where they were. I do know, I was now, not getting to work, my sandals and feet were caked in wet cut grass, my pants were wet and I had ripped my hem.
I finally got hold of my husband who graciously said I’ll be home in 10 to jump it, so there I sat dejected on the front porch steps waiting while the humidity made my hair frizz and sweat started rolling down my face. TWENTY-FIVE minutes later he rolled in. He was loading his work truck for the day to go out on a job site and so he finished and just drove the work truck by the house on his way so it wouldn’t delay him any. I can’t blame him for that, I would have done the same thing in his situation.
My car fired right up as soon as he connected them. So off I went to Auto Zone for a new battery. I wasn’t even that upset with my car. It’s a good car. That battery has lasted for 8 years and the car had warned me on occasion with the battery light showing that it was getting time to get a new one. Seriously, 8 years and 85,000 miles later, I need a new battery. Big whoop. It was just inconvenient to have to do it first thing on a Monday morning and be an hour late to work!
I did make it though. Wet grassy shoes, ripped hem, frizzy hair and all. Whew. Maybe the worst of today is over. Well, no. Then I get to check my bank account and realize thanks to a $100.00 battery that was not planned into the budget, a labor day weekend trip and eating out twice because of a hectic schedule that was not planned either, we are going to be short this pay period and have to dip slightly into savings rather than contributing to it.
Okay. So now I’m at work, with an achy upset stomach, my pants are not only ripped and wet but they are falling off my butt because my bloat went away. I’m feeling very discouraged and NOT pregnant. That fear is creeping in and its two weeks till my next appt. This week marks the week (in the timeline) that I found out we had miscarried. I never made it past this mark. So even though my baby had a heartbeat measuring past when we lost the other one, this is still a milestone for us. I won’t even know if we made it past the milestone for two more weeks!
My mom told me to call the Dr. but what am I supposed to say? “I know you are busy and trying to fit everything in before labor day but I would really like a sonogram because I don’t feel pregnant?...No I’ve had no pain, or bleeding but my cat’s not being as snuggly over the weekend and my m/s is practically non existent now.” Yea, that will go over well, I’m sure. I still have heartburn and gas. I’m still pretty exhausted though I’m getting bursts of energy where I clean like crazy. (During one of those yesterday, I did four loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, cooked dinner, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen.) I’m just back to “not feeling it.” I know, if it weren’t for morning sickness, I probably wouldn’t even know I was at this stage of the game. I’m thankful I haven’t gained weight (okay, two pounds) and the bloat is gone so my pants are back to falling off but I wish I could find some sign of pregnancy that would reassure me on days like today. Is that too much to ask for?
Friday, August 27, 2010
Solving the National Gas Shortage Crisis
America will not have a gas shortage in the next 7 months. How do I know this? Because I can guarantee my body can make up any differences in the gas department. The heartburn may be easing a tad bit, but the gas has bloomed in full force.
I lay awake most of the night last night with my stomach doing somersaults and passing some of the longest winded, loudly obnoxious gas of my life. I think the only thing that comes remotely close is the time DH ran me out of the bedroom after eating 6 bowls of chili. At one point, I scared the cat off the bed and woke DH up with it. I’m so glad after 6 years of being together we have moved beyond the point where I run into another room if I have to poot or burp.
It is insane ya’ll. I have to admit too, after yesterday, when my body flushed every bit of fluid out the exit (I lost two pounds in less than four hours yo), I feared sharting. I can’t believe I’m even saying that because proper Southern women don’t speak of such things, but let’s be real here. When you experience fluid release on short notice with a grumbling of stomach, the fear of pooting liquid becomes a very real and tangible thing. So half the night I was running to the bathroom to release gas into the toilet, just in case.
Needless to say, it was a very restless night. At one point, I contemplated getting up and cleaning the house but I was torn between being noisy and waking DH up and trying to get any sleep I could even if it meant washing the sheets in the a.m.
Please don’t think I’m complaining. I will gladly take sleepless gas filled nights, heartburn and nausea in exchange for a healthy baby. I am however, fascinated at all these changes my body is going through. New symptoms seem to crop up daily. Some I have experienced before and some are just a little bit “more” this time around.
For now though, I’m just happy to know that my baby will never leave me stranded as we can fill the tank with the never-ending supply of gas. I feel sorry for the poor bloke who walks behind me and tries to light a cigarette. It may have an atomic effect on NC.
I lay awake most of the night last night with my stomach doing somersaults and passing some of the longest winded, loudly obnoxious gas of my life. I think the only thing that comes remotely close is the time DH ran me out of the bedroom after eating 6 bowls of chili. At one point, I scared the cat off the bed and woke DH up with it. I’m so glad after 6 years of being together we have moved beyond the point where I run into another room if I have to poot or burp.
It is insane ya’ll. I have to admit too, after yesterday, when my body flushed every bit of fluid out the exit (I lost two pounds in less than four hours yo), I feared sharting. I can’t believe I’m even saying that because proper Southern women don’t speak of such things, but let’s be real here. When you experience fluid release on short notice with a grumbling of stomach, the fear of pooting liquid becomes a very real and tangible thing. So half the night I was running to the bathroom to release gas into the toilet, just in case.
Needless to say, it was a very restless night. At one point, I contemplated getting up and cleaning the house but I was torn between being noisy and waking DH up and trying to get any sleep I could even if it meant washing the sheets in the a.m.
Please don’t think I’m complaining. I will gladly take sleepless gas filled nights, heartburn and nausea in exchange for a healthy baby. I am however, fascinated at all these changes my body is going through. New symptoms seem to crop up daily. Some I have experienced before and some are just a little bit “more” this time around.
For now though, I’m just happy to know that my baby will never leave me stranded as we can fill the tank with the never-ending supply of gas. I feel sorry for the poor bloke who walks behind me and tries to light a cigarette. It may have an atomic effect on NC.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Rover knows best...
Animals know. You know how I know? I know because my animals have lost their ever loving minds.
I have furbabies, even though I know some people cringe at that word, there really is no other way to describe it. You can say my dog is just a dog, but it doesn’t make it true. My female Dachshund, Scarlett, who is prone to shivering in winter and likes to snuggle, has an extensive wardrobe. She will dive into a sweater quicker than you can say “dogs don’t wear clothes.” My girl, Tedda, has personality plus. She’s a half chow, half german shepherd mix who I have babied for the past 13 years. She’s lazy and obnoxiously stubborn and we haven’t decided if she really is going blind and deaf or just using it as an excuse to do what she wants in her old age. My little boy Dachshund, he is a character all on his own, obsessed with stuffed squirrels, we have a rodent problem littering our living room at all times. Cody was a Daddy’s boy from the first moment we got him, while all the other animals are predominantly mamma’s girls.
Then there is THE CAT. She surreptitiously rules the house, lording it over the dogs that she can come and go while they are barred from entering the bedroom area by that pesky iron baby gate. She perches high on our bed and stretches and yawns as they glare at her through the bars while I get dressed in the morning. She sneaks under sofas and reaches out and swats them as they pass by. She knows she is queen. She has at least five pounds on poor little Scarlett who is determined no cat is going to get the best of her. Truffles has been THE CAT and Queen for 7 years. I think she still holds resentment that I not only brought a man into our bed, but two more dogs. She rubs up against Tedda and glares at me like “see, THIS DOG and I are family. Those two munchkin rats do not belong.”
So how did they lose their minds? Every single one of them have become obsessed with me to the point I can hardly function. If I’m in the kitchen, so are they. Tedda lies in the middle of the floor watching me with deep sighs and huffs. The two little dogs move under my feet every time I do. The cat becomes a statue in the barstool watching me with those unblinking eyes. If I’m on the sofa? So are they. Tedda lays in the floor (as she’s never been one to climb on the furniture which would require hefting her old 65lb self up which is way too much energy for her to expend), Cody curls up behind my legs, Scarlett takes roost up against my stomach or back, and the Cat tries to balance on my hip while glaring at the dogs.
At night, the dogs have taken to whining in their crates because they can’t be with me. The cat tries to sleep on my stomach and if I throw her off enough times she settles with wrapping herself around my head and whacking me in the face with her plumed tail. And occasionally if DH tries to cuddle she attacks him or at minimum tries to butt her head up under his hand to move it or divert his attention.
My animals have always been loving, but now they are just suffocating me. They are ignoring DH, and shoved so far up my ass they can probably keep visual tabs on the baby. I distinctly remember Cody and the Cat acting different last time. We had actually suspected I was pregnant this time from some of the animals’ actions before we got the BFP (but were still shocked because of all the cyst issues we were dealing with). So you can be a naysayer about the intuitive nature of animals all you want, but I KNOW that my ANIMALS know. Maybe they are just smarter than yours, but they know. ::shrugs::
I have furbabies, even though I know some people cringe at that word, there really is no other way to describe it. You can say my dog is just a dog, but it doesn’t make it true. My female Dachshund, Scarlett, who is prone to shivering in winter and likes to snuggle, has an extensive wardrobe. She will dive into a sweater quicker than you can say “dogs don’t wear clothes.” My girl, Tedda, has personality plus. She’s a half chow, half german shepherd mix who I have babied for the past 13 years. She’s lazy and obnoxiously stubborn and we haven’t decided if she really is going blind and deaf or just using it as an excuse to do what she wants in her old age. My little boy Dachshund, he is a character all on his own, obsessed with stuffed squirrels, we have a rodent problem littering our living room at all times. Cody was a Daddy’s boy from the first moment we got him, while all the other animals are predominantly mamma’s girls.
Then there is THE CAT. She surreptitiously rules the house, lording it over the dogs that she can come and go while they are barred from entering the bedroom area by that pesky iron baby gate. She perches high on our bed and stretches and yawns as they glare at her through the bars while I get dressed in the morning. She sneaks under sofas and reaches out and swats them as they pass by. She knows she is queen. She has at least five pounds on poor little Scarlett who is determined no cat is going to get the best of her. Truffles has been THE CAT and Queen for 7 years. I think she still holds resentment that I not only brought a man into our bed, but two more dogs. She rubs up against Tedda and glares at me like “see, THIS DOG and I are family. Those two munchkin rats do not belong.”
So how did they lose their minds? Every single one of them have become obsessed with me to the point I can hardly function. If I’m in the kitchen, so are they. Tedda lies in the middle of the floor watching me with deep sighs and huffs. The two little dogs move under my feet every time I do. The cat becomes a statue in the barstool watching me with those unblinking eyes. If I’m on the sofa? So are they. Tedda lays in the floor (as she’s never been one to climb on the furniture which would require hefting her old 65lb self up which is way too much energy for her to expend), Cody curls up behind my legs, Scarlett takes roost up against my stomach or back, and the Cat tries to balance on my hip while glaring at the dogs.
At night, the dogs have taken to whining in their crates because they can’t be with me. The cat tries to sleep on my stomach and if I throw her off enough times she settles with wrapping herself around my head and whacking me in the face with her plumed tail. And occasionally if DH tries to cuddle she attacks him or at minimum tries to butt her head up under his hand to move it or divert his attention.
My animals have always been loving, but now they are just suffocating me. They are ignoring DH, and shoved so far up my ass they can probably keep visual tabs on the baby. I distinctly remember Cody and the Cat acting different last time. We had actually suspected I was pregnant this time from some of the animals’ actions before we got the BFP (but were still shocked because of all the cyst issues we were dealing with). So you can be a naysayer about the intuitive nature of animals all you want, but I KNOW that my ANIMALS know. Maybe they are just smarter than yours, but they know. ::shrugs::
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dr. Update!
I don’t even know where to begin. Friday, we had the first official OB appointment, blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound went well. It was the first ultrasound that was completely good news actually. I was so dazed I had trouble taking it all in. There was a little peanut on the screen with a beautiful heartbeat at 162bpm. When she measured, it measured exactly 8 weeks 2 days which is perfectly in line with my ovulation. I was stunned. The happiness didn’t really set in but pure overwhelming relief did. I felt like I could breathe. I’ve been holding my breath for weeks and I suddenly could breathe.
I was filled with such wonder and peacefulness that I didn’t want to ruin my little bubble of joy by going to work. So I didn’t. (It would have been 2 before I got there anyway). I went and picked up Panera Bread and fell asleep on the sofa with the dogs curled around me. I slept so well. It was a peaceful sleep because I knew everything was okay. I think it’s the first time I’ve slept decently in weeks as well. (No breathing, no sleeping, no wonder I’ve been a wreck).
The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. We had friends over both days and relaxed in the pool. DH helped me clean the house Saturday morning and ran errands with me Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was spent with him helping me, friends relaxing, cuddling and napping with my husband. It was a much needed weekend.
I also found out this morning at work, that I get 12 weeks maternity leave. I’m very excited. So I’m going to be optimistic that things are going to go more smoothly now and the months are going to FLY by as fall is a very busy time of year for us. We have a beach trip coming up (the first time in three years we have traveled at all even to his family’s), followed shortly by my Dad’s big 60th birthday party hosted by yours truly, decorating the house for the fall and Halloween holidays. A few weeks after that is our annual Halloween Chili party which to us kicks off the holidays as the few weeks after that is spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping (and of course this year our big ultrasound will garner lots of excitement before Thanksgiving) and on to the marathon of Christmas events with a full weeks vacation which I will use for nursery decorating.
Then its only three short months till baby! By the time I return from Maternity leave 2011 will be half over! Do you see how I am already panicky because the time is just going to whiz right by me! At the same time, a busy and fast moving time span is very appealing after three years of “waiting.” I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant but I also want to be busy and get to the next thing. The In between times especially this early when I can’t feel anything, is killer.
I guess its safe to start the weekly updates and belly pics now huh?
I was filled with such wonder and peacefulness that I didn’t want to ruin my little bubble of joy by going to work. So I didn’t. (It would have been 2 before I got there anyway). I went and picked up Panera Bread and fell asleep on the sofa with the dogs curled around me. I slept so well. It was a peaceful sleep because I knew everything was okay. I think it’s the first time I’ve slept decently in weeks as well. (No breathing, no sleeping, no wonder I’ve been a wreck).
The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. We had friends over both days and relaxed in the pool. DH helped me clean the house Saturday morning and ran errands with me Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was spent with him helping me, friends relaxing, cuddling and napping with my husband. It was a much needed weekend.
I also found out this morning at work, that I get 12 weeks maternity leave. I’m very excited. So I’m going to be optimistic that things are going to go more smoothly now and the months are going to FLY by as fall is a very busy time of year for us. We have a beach trip coming up (the first time in three years we have traveled at all even to his family’s), followed shortly by my Dad’s big 60th birthday party hosted by yours truly, decorating the house for the fall and Halloween holidays. A few weeks after that is our annual Halloween Chili party which to us kicks off the holidays as the few weeks after that is spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping (and of course this year our big ultrasound will garner lots of excitement before Thanksgiving) and on to the marathon of Christmas events with a full weeks vacation which I will use for nursery decorating.
Then its only three short months till baby! By the time I return from Maternity leave 2011 will be half over! Do you see how I am already panicky because the time is just going to whiz right by me! At the same time, a busy and fast moving time span is very appealing after three years of “waiting.” I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant but I also want to be busy and get to the next thing. The In between times especially this early when I can’t feel anything, is killer.
I guess its safe to start the weekly updates and belly pics now huh?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Happy Butt what..
I think my Prentals may truly be miracle pills. Every other day I am racked by a stomach ache. From the gut gurgling pain you would expect constipation and while there is often a considerable amount of pushing and vomit inducing gorans of pain, the consistency stays on the softer side and once started usually exits with some ease. Were it not for these brown horse pills, I'm pretty sure I would be screaming for an enima by now.
I distinctly remember my first bout of pregnancy induced constipation. It was miserable. I have been very lucky thus far in that these pills seem to be preventing the scales tipping over into hardcore realm of constipation.
I must thank my new insurance here. Last year, I loved teh sample of PreNexa so much I tried to fill the prescription to the tune of $200.00 per month. Apparently, Blue Cross and Blue Shield has something against pregnant women having comfortable bowels.
This time, with the new insurance it is only $35.00 per month. Much more reasonable and budget friendly. So I am in a $35.00 per month prenatal pill bliss with happy bowels and butt.
I'm sure you wanted to know all that.
I distinctly remember my first bout of pregnancy induced constipation. It was miserable. I have been very lucky thus far in that these pills seem to be preventing the scales tipping over into hardcore realm of constipation.
I must thank my new insurance here. Last year, I loved teh sample of PreNexa so much I tried to fill the prescription to the tune of $200.00 per month. Apparently, Blue Cross and Blue Shield has something against pregnant women having comfortable bowels.
This time, with the new insurance it is only $35.00 per month. Much more reasonable and budget friendly. So I am in a $35.00 per month prenatal pill bliss with happy bowels and butt.
I'm sure you wanted to know all that.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It's a new dance: The Fester and Rot
I can feel anger and impatience festering up inside of me and I can’t stop it. I knew this morning that I was going to be in a bad mood today. I’m snappish and pissy. There is so much negativity that wants to spew that I’m choking on it in my throat. I don’t know why.
I’ve always thought that women who blame everything negative they do on pregnancy were frauds and couldn’t own up to having emotions or faults. I have plenty of faults. Mood swings have always been one of them. I can’t blame this on pregnancy because I’ve had days like this long before I ever got pregnant. Can I blame my effed up hormone imbalance? Maybe, but it’s me. It’s just the way I am, have always been.
I, like everyone else in the world, have bad days. I have bad things that all conspire together to hit me at once and make my day worse. I take things wrong and I also sometimes just see them clearly because I don’t have it in me to make excuses for them. When I’m in these moods I don’t try and justify other’s reasons because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Trying to always rationalize all sides and walk a middle ground is exhausting. Sometimes I just need to throw in the towel and quit being strong and quit appeasing people and let them deal with the real me since I have to deal with them on a daily basis. Today is that day.
Maybe it all started from the dream I woke up from this morning. I dreamed we were at the ultrasound and there were two little sacs that had not grown past 5 weeks. No babies. No heartbeats. They also found cancer on my brain and my sister was happy about it. What kind of fucked up dream is that on top of a restless night? Strike 1.
I’m trying to wade through a pile of paperwork and things to do. I’ve faxed in my Certification of coverage from my previous insurance so my new insurance will quit denying everything as “preexisting condition.” I noticed that the termination date was two pay periods BEFORE they quit taking the $150.00 from DH’s check which pissed me the hell off. That’s $300.00 we are short that the company is denying giving back to us. Strike 2.
I’m having really sharp pains on either side of my lower abdomen with strong smelling dark urine. That scares me. Everything to do with my body scares me right now. I really just want to hide away from the world, scream at everyone to leave me alone, and not resurface until after Friday morning. Strike 3.
This doesn’t even include some other thoughts in my head over other situations and people in my life.
I’m out. I’m over this day and its not even 10:30 a.m. How in the hell am I supposed to make it through the rest of this week?
I’ve always thought that women who blame everything negative they do on pregnancy were frauds and couldn’t own up to having emotions or faults. I have plenty of faults. Mood swings have always been one of them. I can’t blame this on pregnancy because I’ve had days like this long before I ever got pregnant. Can I blame my effed up hormone imbalance? Maybe, but it’s me. It’s just the way I am, have always been.
I, like everyone else in the world, have bad days. I have bad things that all conspire together to hit me at once and make my day worse. I take things wrong and I also sometimes just see them clearly because I don’t have it in me to make excuses for them. When I’m in these moods I don’t try and justify other’s reasons because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Trying to always rationalize all sides and walk a middle ground is exhausting. Sometimes I just need to throw in the towel and quit being strong and quit appeasing people and let them deal with the real me since I have to deal with them on a daily basis. Today is that day.
Maybe it all started from the dream I woke up from this morning. I dreamed we were at the ultrasound and there were two little sacs that had not grown past 5 weeks. No babies. No heartbeats. They also found cancer on my brain and my sister was happy about it. What kind of fucked up dream is that on top of a restless night? Strike 1.
I’m trying to wade through a pile of paperwork and things to do. I’ve faxed in my Certification of coverage from my previous insurance so my new insurance will quit denying everything as “preexisting condition.” I noticed that the termination date was two pay periods BEFORE they quit taking the $150.00 from DH’s check which pissed me the hell off. That’s $300.00 we are short that the company is denying giving back to us. Strike 2.
I’m having really sharp pains on either side of my lower abdomen with strong smelling dark urine. That scares me. Everything to do with my body scares me right now. I really just want to hide away from the world, scream at everyone to leave me alone, and not resurface until after Friday morning. Strike 3.
This doesn’t even include some other thoughts in my head over other situations and people in my life.
I’m out. I’m over this day and its not even 10:30 a.m. How in the hell am I supposed to make it through the rest of this week?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
AW I'm a Fruity Person anyway ;)
Despite my hesitancy over this pregnancy coming to “fruition”, I have wanted to keep up with the early stages. Ways to commemorate the process no matter how it ends this time. It’s been weird doing this but at the same time gives me hope. I took inspiration from my friend jcam’s fruited belly pics and from thebump’s progress ticker that compares each week with a fruit/veggie size for baby.
With the help of my dear friend Beth, we embarked on a weekly photography journey starting at five weeks. (sorry folks I missed the poppy seed stage). I’ll try and post each picture weekly but just to catch you up, following are the first three pics, in reverse order.
Week 7: Blueberry
Week 6: Sweet Pea
Week 5: Appleseed
I hope we don’t run out of ideas before the end! Once I start showing I will try and do more belly pics as well but for now, I’m digging the “fruitful” artistic expressions. Don’t hold your breathe to catch an elusive sighting of my husband though. We’ll be lucky if we can even get him to participate in maternity photo’s much less weekly food art! LOL
With the help of my dear friend Beth, we embarked on a weekly photography journey starting at five weeks. (sorry folks I missed the poppy seed stage). I’ll try and post each picture weekly but just to catch you up, following are the first three pics, in reverse order.
Week 7: Blueberry
Week 6: Sweet Pea
Week 5: Appleseed
I hope we don’t run out of ideas before the end! Once I start showing I will try and do more belly pics as well but for now, I’m digging the “fruitful” artistic expressions. Don’t hold your breathe to catch an elusive sighting of my husband though. We’ll be lucky if we can even get him to participate in maternity photo’s much less weekly food art! LOL
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The See Saw goes up and down
So I did what I didn’t think I would let myself do last night and I’m not sure it was a good thing. I dug out “The Pregnancy Bible” from where I had it stashed away with all the baby books, onesies etc that people had given me or been purchased during Bumblebee’s pregnancy.
I had told myself that I would only pull it out and start looking at the progression of baby etc. when baby made it PAST where Bumblebee did. I didn’t want to go through the same weeks again, only to fail again and have to put everything away AGAIN. I want to share with this baby uncharted territory without any painful memories. I couldn’t resist trying to get an idea of where baby might be and how far apart the growth rate is between where ultrasound said I should be and where my dates tell me I should be (again with the overanalyzing, sheesh!)
I’m trying to prepare myself for what I MAY see on the ultrasound and rationalize how far off measurements can be. I’m starting to obsess. I’ve done pretty well keeping my mind off of it up till now, but I can’t seem to help myself. I tried focusing on the stuff that we would pick out and need, but after a few days of that, I gave up because its too depressing thinking I won’t get to actually BUY anything this time around either.
It’s hard feeling that everything is going along fine because I don’t FEEL pregnant. I don’t have morning sickness or nausea or anything like last time. (yes, I know, I’ve been over this already on the blog.) Stephen tried to give me a laundry list of things that are different:
• I’ve gotten dizzy a few times standing up (what like twice? I did that once in a blue moon before pregnancy).
• I’m tired all the time (I went through phases of exhaustion before pregnancy too when I try to do so much or am not eating or sleeping well).
• I have heartburn (yea, I don’t really have a rebuttal for that one as I don’t have heartburn on a daily basis as norm)
• My boobs are tender (but they get tender occasionally during pms as well)
• My boobs are bigger (yea I can’t argue that one either. I’m falling out of my bra and he’s become even more obsessive about them because they are visibly larger and IN YOUR FACE).
Even when he calmly and rationally tried to make this list for me, I still can’t convince myself that I am indeed pregnant with a progressing and growing baby. I fight this fear of what we will see (or rather won’t see). Some days are better than others but they are still there. There are still days, like last night and today that I can’t wrap my brain around the possibility that this won’t turn out bad.
There are some days where I see myself pregnant at each holiday, and the things I will do, and when the milestones are. Those are happy days, where I rub my stomach and smile at the things to come.
It’s the days like today that are tough to get through. I’m a fairly strong person. I’m a scrapper. I try to fight myself to remain calm and peaceful and I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it, but lord have mercy, these days are tough.
I expect everyone who has experienced loss, will never be the same when it comes to pregnancy. No matter how far you get or how many successes you have, we forever will carry the scars of the pain of that one loss. That one time that even though its not our fault, we failed. We failed at the first task of being a good mother. It’s not something I care to repeat. I don’t know if I can handle losing another and I don’t want to find out how “strong” I am.
I had told myself that I would only pull it out and start looking at the progression of baby etc. when baby made it PAST where Bumblebee did. I didn’t want to go through the same weeks again, only to fail again and have to put everything away AGAIN. I want to share with this baby uncharted territory without any painful memories. I couldn’t resist trying to get an idea of where baby might be and how far apart the growth rate is between where ultrasound said I should be and where my dates tell me I should be (again with the overanalyzing, sheesh!)
I’m trying to prepare myself for what I MAY see on the ultrasound and rationalize how far off measurements can be. I’m starting to obsess. I’ve done pretty well keeping my mind off of it up till now, but I can’t seem to help myself. I tried focusing on the stuff that we would pick out and need, but after a few days of that, I gave up because its too depressing thinking I won’t get to actually BUY anything this time around either.
It’s hard feeling that everything is going along fine because I don’t FEEL pregnant. I don’t have morning sickness or nausea or anything like last time. (yes, I know, I’ve been over this already on the blog.) Stephen tried to give me a laundry list of things that are different:
• I’ve gotten dizzy a few times standing up (what like twice? I did that once in a blue moon before pregnancy).
• I’m tired all the time (I went through phases of exhaustion before pregnancy too when I try to do so much or am not eating or sleeping well).
• I have heartburn (yea, I don’t really have a rebuttal for that one as I don’t have heartburn on a daily basis as norm)
• My boobs are tender (but they get tender occasionally during pms as well)
• My boobs are bigger (yea I can’t argue that one either. I’m falling out of my bra and he’s become even more obsessive about them because they are visibly larger and IN YOUR FACE).
Even when he calmly and rationally tried to make this list for me, I still can’t convince myself that I am indeed pregnant with a progressing and growing baby. I fight this fear of what we will see (or rather won’t see). Some days are better than others but they are still there. There are still days, like last night and today that I can’t wrap my brain around the possibility that this won’t turn out bad.
There are some days where I see myself pregnant at each holiday, and the things I will do, and when the milestones are. Those are happy days, where I rub my stomach and smile at the things to come.
It’s the days like today that are tough to get through. I’m a fairly strong person. I’m a scrapper. I try to fight myself to remain calm and peaceful and I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it, but lord have mercy, these days are tough.
I expect everyone who has experienced loss, will never be the same when it comes to pregnancy. No matter how far you get or how many successes you have, we forever will carry the scars of the pain of that one loss. That one time that even though its not our fault, we failed. We failed at the first task of being a good mother. It’s not something I care to repeat. I don’t know if I can handle losing another and I don’t want to find out how “strong” I am.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Not Really a McFatty Monday but kinda sorta ;)
I know I said I wouldn’t really do any more McFatty Monday updates but I feel it is very important to mention here that I am back down to my pregnancy start weight. The week after I found out I was pregnant, my weight ballooned up almost 8 pounds overnight. I realized it was probably bloat but as the time passed, I panicked that the bloat wasn’t going away. Because I’m already overweight, I have to watch my weight during pregnancy very carefully so I don’t gain too much.
Last week, it finally left. I was back down to my start weight. I have been trying to eat healthy but there are some days I just don’t care. It’s not like I have had cravings, or food aversions, or even morning sickness (Praise the Lord!) but sometimes I just WANT or don’t want something. So far this pregnancy, the most prevalent food choice is Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. I should buy stock in that company for the next 7 months. I don’t always get my water in, like yesterday though most of the time I’m very good about it. I’m still trying to stay away from soft drinks but the fizzy sweet goodness really hit the spot the past week, so ginger ale has become my carbonated drink of choice. I figure it is slightly better for me than mountain dew at least and I try to limit myself to one if any.
After this weekend, I pretty much let myself have what I want as we did a LOT of walking at the zoo. We had a blast, I was sore for days (still am). So I didn’t really limit my intake because I felt dehydrated and run down energy wise when it was over. I am happy to report that my weight has not gone up again! YAY! So I guess what I ate balanced out with all that exercise! LOL
I’m starting to get a tiny bit nervous now that the ultrasound is getting close. It’s NEXT week. Granted its next FRIDAY so its practically two weeks away but its still NEXT week. I’m praying so hard that everything is great. According to my O date, I will be 8 weeks and 3 days which I believe is older than BB made it (though we didn’t find out till 10 weeks). According to my last ultrasound I will be 7 weeks 4 days so just under that mark. I am really hoping we have a strong heart beat and are measuring with my O date. That would make me feel a lot better! Until then, I guess the only thing I can do is keep trucking along, trying to get my water in, eating well and taking my vitamins.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is going into this week feeling positive and upbeat. I am for the most part.
Last week, it finally left. I was back down to my start weight. I have been trying to eat healthy but there are some days I just don’t care. It’s not like I have had cravings, or food aversions, or even morning sickness (Praise the Lord!) but sometimes I just WANT or don’t want something. So far this pregnancy, the most prevalent food choice is Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. I should buy stock in that company for the next 7 months. I don’t always get my water in, like yesterday though most of the time I’m very good about it. I’m still trying to stay away from soft drinks but the fizzy sweet goodness really hit the spot the past week, so ginger ale has become my carbonated drink of choice. I figure it is slightly better for me than mountain dew at least and I try to limit myself to one if any.
After this weekend, I pretty much let myself have what I want as we did a LOT of walking at the zoo. We had a blast, I was sore for days (still am). So I didn’t really limit my intake because I felt dehydrated and run down energy wise when it was over. I am happy to report that my weight has not gone up again! YAY! So I guess what I ate balanced out with all that exercise! LOL
I’m starting to get a tiny bit nervous now that the ultrasound is getting close. It’s NEXT week. Granted its next FRIDAY so its practically two weeks away but its still NEXT week. I’m praying so hard that everything is great. According to my O date, I will be 8 weeks and 3 days which I believe is older than BB made it (though we didn’t find out till 10 weeks). According to my last ultrasound I will be 7 weeks 4 days so just under that mark. I am really hoping we have a strong heart beat and are measuring with my O date. That would make me feel a lot better! Until then, I guess the only thing I can do is keep trucking along, trying to get my water in, eating well and taking my vitamins.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is going into this week feeling positive and upbeat. I am for the most part.
Friday, August 6, 2010
For all my girls
It’s odd. In my little internet world, BFP’s come in waves. I’ve watched for years as beloved members/friends of our group have joined the ranks of pregnancy in envy. Last year, I joined one of the babyplosions. I rejoiced, as did many people at my success. They mourned with me with my M/C. I watched them continue on with a mix of joy and sadness.
I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.
I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.
There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”
Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.
I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.
I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.
I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.
But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.
I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.
I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.
I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.
There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”
Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.
I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.
I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.
I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.
But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.
I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Ode to a Wilted Southern Flower
I’m struggling today. I feel like one of my little red petunias in my porch planter that has wilted in this horrid NC heat wave. It’s a struggle to bloom and be colorful when your leaves are dragging the ground, your earth is parched and cracked and the sun is beating you down. Not even the bees are attracted to your pollen.
Southern belles are never supposed to look wilted and weak. We are proud women who even in a heat wave sip our sweet iced tea and fan ourselves with big cartwheel hats while saying things like “fiddle dee dee” and “bless your heart.” (Okay, I don’t say the first one but I do say the second). We serve up fried chicken, grit casserole and coleslaw in the blink of an eye and always have some type of pie and casserole fixings on hand for emergency rations (new neighbors, babies, funerals). We are garden warriors, over the fence rail gossipers, flower mavens, and manipulative maidens disguised as sweet maple syrup and fresh honey. We do not WILT or fail.
My southern belle card is going to be revoked soon. I can feel it. I’m still not sleeping. I do not know what the deal is. Besides being up 20 times last night to relieve my bladder and intestines (oh what, I said we were polite in the South, I didn’t say we didn’t blab about our bodily functions on the internet!) I lay there all night, tossing and turning, uncomfortable and mad. I’m mad at the world today. I woke up that way this morning. I was ticked off at the alarm clock which went off a total of 5 times every 9 minutes before my husband woke up enough to sit up and turn it off. After the fourth time I threw the covers back and stomped to the dining room to take the dogs out. I was furious. I don’t even know why. The alarm did what it does every day, as did my husband. Nothing changed either of them. It was ME that was exhausted, ill and irate.
I worked out yesterday: walked and swam. I went to bed at the normal time with a glass of milk. I was tired from not sleeping the past few nights. By all standards, I SHOULD have slept last night. Oh nooooo, I apparently don’t follow logical standards. So today I’m alternating between being deliriously spastic and a walking zombie hugging my cup of green tea.
I’m not stressed or worried per say. I’m on a rather even and calm ground yesterday and today. I’m a little irritated as they scheduled my second interview for August 19th at 9am so I had to reschedule my ultrasound YET AGAIN to the 20th. My Dr’s office and my husband are getting irritated on having to work around my job. This is the second time I’ve rescheduled and just a few minutes ago the meeting for the 18th got cancelled so if I had never started rescheduling, I would have been fine. Very frustrating, but yet none of that has any bearing on not sleeping last night or waking up ill as a hornet this morning as all of that happened AFTER the fact.
So here I am, irrationally ill, exhausted and deciding if I want more apple juice bad enough to stop by the store on the way home. Apple juice and I have become great friends this past week. ::ponders whether that may have something to do with my nighttime bathroom trips and sleeplessness:: I actually think I may choose apple juice over sleep. Interesting.
Southern belles are never supposed to look wilted and weak. We are proud women who even in a heat wave sip our sweet iced tea and fan ourselves with big cartwheel hats while saying things like “fiddle dee dee” and “bless your heart.” (Okay, I don’t say the first one but I do say the second). We serve up fried chicken, grit casserole and coleslaw in the blink of an eye and always have some type of pie and casserole fixings on hand for emergency rations (new neighbors, babies, funerals). We are garden warriors, over the fence rail gossipers, flower mavens, and manipulative maidens disguised as sweet maple syrup and fresh honey. We do not WILT or fail.
My southern belle card is going to be revoked soon. I can feel it. I’m still not sleeping. I do not know what the deal is. Besides being up 20 times last night to relieve my bladder and intestines (oh what, I said we were polite in the South, I didn’t say we didn’t blab about our bodily functions on the internet!) I lay there all night, tossing and turning, uncomfortable and mad. I’m mad at the world today. I woke up that way this morning. I was ticked off at the alarm clock which went off a total of 5 times every 9 minutes before my husband woke up enough to sit up and turn it off. After the fourth time I threw the covers back and stomped to the dining room to take the dogs out. I was furious. I don’t even know why. The alarm did what it does every day, as did my husband. Nothing changed either of them. It was ME that was exhausted, ill and irate.
I worked out yesterday: walked and swam. I went to bed at the normal time with a glass of milk. I was tired from not sleeping the past few nights. By all standards, I SHOULD have slept last night. Oh nooooo, I apparently don’t follow logical standards. So today I’m alternating between being deliriously spastic and a walking zombie hugging my cup of green tea.
I’m not stressed or worried per say. I’m on a rather even and calm ground yesterday and today. I’m a little irritated as they scheduled my second interview for August 19th at 9am so I had to reschedule my ultrasound YET AGAIN to the 20th. My Dr’s office and my husband are getting irritated on having to work around my job. This is the second time I’ve rescheduled and just a few minutes ago the meeting for the 18th got cancelled so if I had never started rescheduling, I would have been fine. Very frustrating, but yet none of that has any bearing on not sleeping last night or waking up ill as a hornet this morning as all of that happened AFTER the fact.
So here I am, irrationally ill, exhausted and deciding if I want more apple juice bad enough to stop by the store on the way home. Apple juice and I have become great friends this past week. ::ponders whether that may have something to do with my nighttime bathroom trips and sleeplessness:: I actually think I may choose apple juice over sleep. Interesting.
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