Friday, August 27, 2010

Solving the National Gas Shortage Crisis

America will not have a gas shortage in the next 7 months. How do I know this? Because I can guarantee my body can make up any differences in the gas department. The heartburn may be easing a tad bit, but the gas has bloomed in full force.

I lay awake most of the night last night with my stomach doing somersaults and passing some of the longest winded, loudly obnoxious gas of my life. I think the only thing that comes remotely close is the time DH ran me out of the bedroom after eating 6 bowls of chili. At one point, I scared the cat off the bed and woke DH up with it. I’m so glad after 6 years of being together we have moved beyond the point where I run into another room if I have to poot or burp.

It is insane ya’ll. I have to admit too, after yesterday, when my body flushed every bit of fluid out the exit (I lost two pounds in less than four hours yo), I feared sharting. I can’t believe I’m even saying that because proper Southern women don’t speak of such things, but let’s be real here. When you experience fluid release on short notice with a grumbling of stomach, the fear of pooting liquid becomes a very real and tangible thing. So half the night I was running to the bathroom to release gas into the toilet, just in case.

Needless to say, it was a very restless night. At one point, I contemplated getting up and cleaning the house but I was torn between being noisy and waking DH up and trying to get any sleep I could even if it meant washing the sheets in the a.m.

Please don’t think I’m complaining. I will gladly take sleepless gas filled nights, heartburn and nausea in exchange for a healthy baby. I am however, fascinated at all these changes my body is going through. New symptoms seem to crop up daily. Some I have experienced before and some are just a little bit “more” this time around.

For now though, I’m just happy to know that my baby will never leave me stranded as we can fill the tank with the never-ending supply of gas. I feel sorry for the poor bloke who walks behind me and tries to light a cigarette. It may have an atomic effect on NC.

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