Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The See Saw goes up and down

So I did what I didn’t think I would let myself do last night and I’m not sure it was a good thing. I dug out “The Pregnancy Bible” from where I had it stashed away with all the baby books, onesies etc that people had given me or been purchased during Bumblebee’s pregnancy.

I had told myself that I would only pull it out and start looking at the progression of baby etc. when baby made it PAST where Bumblebee did. I didn’t want to go through the same weeks again, only to fail again and have to put everything away AGAIN. I want to share with this baby uncharted territory without any painful memories. I couldn’t resist trying to get an idea of where baby might be and how far apart the growth rate is between where ultrasound said I should be and where my dates tell me I should be (again with the overanalyzing, sheesh!)

I’m trying to prepare myself for what I MAY see on the ultrasound and rationalize how far off measurements can be. I’m starting to obsess. I’ve done pretty well keeping my mind off of it up till now, but I can’t seem to help myself. I tried focusing on the stuff that we would pick out and need, but after a few days of that, I gave up because its too depressing thinking I won’t get to actually BUY anything this time around either.

It’s hard feeling that everything is going along fine because I don’t FEEL pregnant. I don’t have morning sickness or nausea or anything like last time. (yes, I know, I’ve been over this already on the blog.) Stephen tried to give me a laundry list of things that are different:
• I’ve gotten dizzy a few times standing up (what like twice? I did that once in a blue moon before pregnancy).
• I’m tired all the time (I went through phases of exhaustion before pregnancy too when I try to do so much or am not eating or sleeping well).
• I have heartburn (yea, I don’t really have a rebuttal for that one as I don’t have heartburn on a daily basis as norm)
• My boobs are tender (but they get tender occasionally during pms as well)
• My boobs are bigger (yea I can’t argue that one either. I’m falling out of my bra and he’s become even more obsessive about them because they are visibly larger and IN YOUR FACE).

Even when he calmly and rationally tried to make this list for me, I still can’t convince myself that I am indeed pregnant with a progressing and growing baby. I fight this fear of what we will see (or rather won’t see). Some days are better than others but they are still there. There are still days, like last night and today that I can’t wrap my brain around the possibility that this won’t turn out bad.

There are some days where I see myself pregnant at each holiday, and the things I will do, and when the milestones are. Those are happy days, where I rub my stomach and smile at the things to come.

It’s the days like today that are tough to get through. I’m a fairly strong person. I’m a scrapper. I try to fight myself to remain calm and peaceful and I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it, but lord have mercy, these days are tough.

I expect everyone who has experienced loss, will never be the same when it comes to pregnancy. No matter how far you get or how many successes you have, we forever will carry the scars of the pain of that one loss. That one time that even though its not our fault, we failed. We failed at the first task of being a good mother. It’s not something I care to repeat. I don’t know if I can handle losing another and I don’t want to find out how “strong” I am.

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