Tuesday, August 17, 2010

It's a new dance: The Fester and Rot

I can feel anger and impatience festering up inside of me and I can’t stop it. I knew this morning that I was going to be in a bad mood today. I’m snappish and pissy. There is so much negativity that wants to spew that I’m choking on it in my throat. I don’t know why.

I’ve always thought that women who blame everything negative they do on pregnancy were frauds and couldn’t own up to having emotions or faults. I have plenty of faults. Mood swings have always been one of them. I can’t blame this on pregnancy because I’ve had days like this long before I ever got pregnant. Can I blame my effed up hormone imbalance? Maybe, but it’s me. It’s just the way I am, have always been.

I, like everyone else in the world, have bad days. I have bad things that all conspire together to hit me at once and make my day worse. I take things wrong and I also sometimes just see them clearly because I don’t have it in me to make excuses for them. When I’m in these moods I don’t try and justify other’s reasons because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Trying to always rationalize all sides and walk a middle ground is exhausting. Sometimes I just need to throw in the towel and quit being strong and quit appeasing people and let them deal with the real me since I have to deal with them on a daily basis. Today is that day.

Maybe it all started from the dream I woke up from this morning. I dreamed we were at the ultrasound and there were two little sacs that had not grown past 5 weeks. No babies. No heartbeats. They also found cancer on my brain and my sister was happy about it. What kind of fucked up dream is that on top of a restless night? Strike 1.

I’m trying to wade through a pile of paperwork and things to do. I’ve faxed in my Certification of coverage from my previous insurance so my new insurance will quit denying everything as “preexisting condition.” I noticed that the termination date was two pay periods BEFORE they quit taking the $150.00 from DH’s check which pissed me the hell off. That’s $300.00 we are short that the company is denying giving back to us. Strike 2.

I’m having really sharp pains on either side of my lower abdomen with strong smelling dark urine. That scares me. Everything to do with my body scares me right now. I really just want to hide away from the world, scream at everyone to leave me alone, and not resurface until after Friday morning. Strike 3.

This doesn’t even include some other thoughts in my head over other situations and people in my life.

I’m out. I’m over this day and its not even 10:30 a.m. How in the hell am I supposed to make it through the rest of this week?

1 comment:

  1. Oh Buckin, I understand the stress of one's body. I'm so sorry things are unsure. I think about you and your babe daily.

    I hope the insurance crap gets figured out SOON.