Friday, August 6, 2010

For all my girls

It’s odd. In my little internet world, BFP’s come in waves. I’ve watched for years as beloved members/friends of our group have joined the ranks of pregnancy in envy. Last year, I joined one of the babyplosions. I rejoiced, as did many people at my success. They mourned with me with my M/C. I watched them continue on with a mix of joy and sadness.

I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.

I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.

There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”

Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.

I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.

I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.

I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.

But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.

I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.


  1. I love you. I feel very fortunate to call you a friend and have you in my life. Even if it is not as much as I would prefer.


  2. I hate you. Not really, but I didn't expect to make my daily visit to your blog and cry! The direct tv guy should be here any time and now I'm a blubbery mess.

    While I cannot relate to all that you've written today I certainly understand the feeling of time moving on without you. That feeling where your heart swells for the joy of someone else, while it breaks a little more for you.

    Krista, you deserve this. This baby can do no better for a mother than you. I truly believe this is your time. This painful journey has contributed to the loving, empathetic, understand, supportive, and caring woman that you are.

    You're an amazing friend and I'm happy to have you in my life. Even if you're entirely too far away.


  3. Yep. I just cried at work.
    Just beautifuls words, made extraordinary with the feeling behind them.
    Thank God I've met you.

  4. I love you. You rejoiced with me. Through your pain. I know I've told you before. But you will never know what that means to me. You are an incredible woman of strength and beauty. And I am proud to call you a friend. xoxo

  5. You are a sweet sweet girl. And I hear every word you wrote.