Friday, May 29, 2009
Then thirty minutes later, "If I were to get pregnant next month its not like this situation won't be resolved by then anyway". I'm SOOO tired of the pressure and the flip flopping. I never knew how much PRESSURE it was and I do NOT like to FAIL at anything, and I feel like one giant FAILURE and it is pissing me the EF off. Month after month, year after year, I FAIL. I'm sick and FUCKING tired of it.
So what is the latest item on my freak out list? My car spazzed out yesterday on the way home, in rush hour traffic, in a thunderstorm that was flooding the roads and making it hard to see the end of my hood. What did it do? When I push the clutch to change gears and/or brake...my engine would rev up and red line like it was going to blow up. THE ENTIRE WAY HOME. It scared me to death. I called every mechanic I knew: my neighbor/cousin, BFF's husband, and both BIL's (yes, they are ALL mechanics). They all agreed on what it may be. My cousin stopped by this morning and messed with the throttle body which helped but didn't fix it all the way. One of the guys here at works is going to take apart the throttle body after work and clean it and see what that does. Bless my Husbands heart but he doesn't mess with cars. The man can wire up a missile to attack a foreign country, but he won't mess with an American Vehicle. *sigh*.
Not a problem that really warrants stopping TTC but just another stressful annoyance and money sucking issue that makes me spaz out myself. I'm tired of the roller coaster. Can I please get off now. I just want to settle down with a working budget and a baby...is that too much to ask? I don't think so.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I keep putting off calling my Dr. because I need to talk to him about other options which he will make me come in for, which will piss me off paying a copay for what he can tell me on the phone.
I'm still wavering with stopping the treatments but then I would have to start all over again and I'm getting antsy with this whole process. I just want to move forward or give up completely. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
A fresh start and a new cycle would atleast be a refreshing change since I am sick to death of looking at my pathetic chart from hell. Stupid non functioning right ovary.
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Oh wait, that's right, I woke up period which makes this a bad day. Where is my dark hole when I need it?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
S starting to shave her:
And After (looking at me like she's going to bite my face off for doing that to her! LOL
Looking out from my garden.
My crazy lettuce bed that desperately needs to be weeded! (I'm so far behind still but its getting better!)
Squash and Zuchini in the front box. In the back box are cucumbers, corn, and peppers.
Greenbeans, eggplants, petunia's (they make the greenbeans taste better).
Monday, May 25, 2009
We then checked in with Vickie (Robbie's Widow) and her three kids. Her daughter Maddie has long been a favorite of mine as I've watched her grow from a wee toddler. She call's me "her Bucket" because she could never say Buckin. Yep, ovaries aching big time. I think this was all too much cuteness for one day.
Oh yea, and darling Maddie, took this shot of us, blurry as it is I have a point to make. Granted my husband is making one of his typical faces when there is a camera around (we have so few good pics of us) but here are my thoughts as I glance through the multitude of pics: "Wow, look at our eyes, our children will have the most awesome eyes." These thoughts thrill me and make me sad all at once. I'm officially pathetic even to myself.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I'm practising on myself for when my future child turns three.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Trust me, I want more than anything to be talking about Two week waits, gas bubbles, sonograms, and onesies. I really really do. Unfortunately, I am in one of those UTE STALLS, where my chart is anovulatory with no end in sight. Key up the callypso music, we are in limbo. dun dun dun dun dun DUN, hey! So no discussions of the evil Clomid. No Dr's visits. No possibilities of ovulation or BFP's. No Pee Stick conversations.
Do I continue to write because all of the above is what the blog is about? Or do I just work on my garden blog instead because my entire life is on EFFING HOLD! ::deep breath::
It's my blog, and I'll write if I want to. (anyone? No? you younguns' have no appreciation for good music). So I will continue to blather about the boring mundane things in my life until SOMETHING interesting happens. I promise SOMETHING WILL happen. I refuse to believe it won't happen for me if I have to pay someone to have a baby for me....any takers? Steph did you just raise your hand?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
In mid panic, I get another call: My horses are out roaming the neighborhood. I call DH who is closer to the house then I am and he gets off work to take care of it but he's ill about it.
An hour later: another call from my sister. Apparently said neighbor was not satisfied that I would take care of it and called my dad who called my sister. Now the whole family knows my horses got out. I wouldn't be surprised if animal control was called even though within thirty minutes of the original call the horses were safely back in the pasture and happily munching grass. They could not have been out very long because when I left at 7:45 they were in their pasture. I got the phone call at 8:20, DH would have been home by 8:40 at the latest. Thank you for the call neighbor but don't call my family that lives an hour away and can do absolutely nothing to help you busybodied bat.
I was having such a calm day today too before all this. I was excited I had worked out yesterday, was feeling great about everything I've done this week and BAM..right between the eyes. Do you see a pattern here? I do. One day up, one day down. Son of a Bitch. If this continues, I'm going to quit blogging because I'm getting tired of writing the same old thing and I know ya'll are getting tired of reading it.
I have absolutely nothing to report on the baby front. No O in sight, no interesting sexual conquests, no end to this pathetic cycle, nothing. I'm stalled and I totally do not care at this point. The longer it takes for AF to show, the longer I have to put off making a decision about more Clomid.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Yes, this was totally worth this pathetic little post because I am a Narcisstic Attention Whore. Thank you Very Much.
Rewind: Before we worked on the pool (and this proves that I wasn't bitchy) I did the longest treadmill workout to date (since getting the treadmill), worked up a sweat and gritted my teeth through the stupid Charley Horses. Do you know how difficult it is to eat bananas while walking quickly on a treadmill? Surprisingly, its not that easy. I've been told by numerous people that the calf cramps are most likely due to lack of Potassium so I went through two bananas while on the treadmill. It's also interesting to note that increase potassium levels in my family tend to make people mean...its like our dark liquer. We are mean banana eaters. I wonder if this has anything to do with my little pissy episode at the pool. Interesting.
Anyway, we did get quite a bit done on the pool, I got my workout in, fixed dinner, did the dishes, laundry is caught up and I slept like a rock last night. I went to bed sore but accomplished and my mind shut right down and I didn't think about all the client problems etc. It was wonderful. Not so great getting up this morning as I felt like I could have slept for several hours more, but that's okay. I can only hope that today is as productive as yesterday.
Extra Positive for the day: I put on a pair of dresspants I haven't worn in quite awhile as they were a bit tight around the waist and they fit great! WOOT WOOT.
Now if only my body would take a page from Rachel's book of positives and cooperate, my life would be on a more even road.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Now, in honor of Rachel who always encourages us to be positive, I will abide and write something positive. I didn't win the bid on the car and I have decided this is not a negative thing. While we need the car we dont' HAVE TO HAVE the car and I can use that money to pay bills with so that's a good thing. That will take a bit of the stress off for this week on the whole bill thing and now we can move on instead of holding that money to the side for the car bid. There are always pros and cons to every situation but I will take the pro's and run with it.
As my dear friend Isha has said today, Life is too short and I need to figure out what I can enjoy right now to get through this negativity that is surrounding me because I have NO CONTROL over it. I love both of you girls and can positively thank God for bringing you into my life so maybe he doesn't hate me after all.
I am also tired of every week being on a roller coaster with one of my jobs which is not helping with my mental stability. The past two weeks I have had lay off scares from my pathetic full time job that is paying me crap but atleast it is an income in this topsy turvy economy. This week, it is my psychotic client who is so highstrung she can't keep her mind together for five damn minutes and is now threatening to walk on TWO transactions which will in effect finish my Real Estate career as I have so much money tied up in advertising etc. on these two properties that if they do not close, I can't afford to renew my license for next year. I'm banking, literally, on these contracts and when (because its pretty much inevitable thanks to her stupidity and self centeredness) they fall apart I'm going to completely and utterly lose my sanity.
I have been a mental basket case for the past several weeks. It has been such an up and down rollercoaster that I never know what day I will be fine and what day I will fall apart or from which direction I am going to get hit. I'm worn out and I'm tired of fighting. I really am.
What is not helping is the Clomid. I'm finally over the symptoms for the month, but no ovulation, no chance in hell of pregnancy. I'm tired of fighting there as well. Yesterday, I got crosshairs on my dilapidated chart. I knew they weren't real and I knew without a shadow of a doubt they would disappear so I saved a picture to prove that I am not losing my mind. As predicted, today they are gone.
There is no part of my life that is not a battle right now. Those battles effect my marriage and my relationships because I'm constantly in inner turmoil. I don't sleep, my energy is gone, I can feel myself slipping into depression and no amount of drugs is going to help me because its external factors that are creating it. So please tell me, what I did to piss you off? Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because I question humanity or have not chosen the path you wished me to take? I'm confused. I'm struggling and I absolutely am not going to be able to hold it together much longer. Please give me strength if you want me to continue to fight. I surrender to your will, but please let me know what it is you want from me.
I'm using this from Mrs. S's blog since she tagged EVERYONE!
Here are the rules of the game:
-Mention the person that tagged you.
-Complete the following lists of 8's.
-Tag 8 of your wonderful bloggy friends.
-Go tell them you tagged them!
Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:
2)Having a Clean Pool
3)Being done with my current client
4)Finding peace in my life
5)The First Tomato Sandwich
6)Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred
Eight Things I Did Yesterday:
1) Floced Pool
2) Watched a movie with DH
3) Made pancakes with strawberry topping for breakfast
4) Downsized our movie collection
5) Watched my garden grow
Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:
1) Get ONE well paying job
2) Win the lottery!
3) Travel More
4) Lose weight.
5) Be a SAHW
6) Fix my apparently broken lady-bits
7) Be a SAHM
8) Sleep LESS so I'd have more time to do things
Eight Shows I watch:
4) Biggest Loser
6) Lie To Me
I'll be lazy too and say you are ALL tagged ;)
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Our timing was not only sucktastic this month but nonexistent thanks to Clomid. I am just not getting my libido back together and I get the lack there of all month rubbed in my face. Thanks FF, you are not a friend to me and right now you are barely even helpful. I hate you. I hate my body. I hate Clomid. I hate my pathetic excuse for a ute. I LOATHE and DESPISE IF.
"and I'm crying....cryyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnng"
I finally got up and took an IBProfen. Since I was up, I went ahead and put laundry in, moved some paperwork to the office from the kitchen and sat down at the computer. If it wasn't that pitchblackness before the dawn, I would probably be outside putting chemicals in the pool and weeding my garden. Well, and besides the darkness, I ran into a possum on my back porch earlier and while he didn't act threatened or offer to attack me, those are the ugliest creatures on earth and I would rather not see him again tonight. (Stephen tried to shoot it with his new crossbow but the arrow ricocheted off my deck chair with a loud clanging noise.)
Why is it, that as soon as I lay down, everything negative crowds into my head: bills, money/budget issues, real estate license renewals, continuing education class deadlines, contract problems, closing issues as well as chores that need to be done, items that can go in the yardsale. It goes on and on. I find myself getting more awake by the second and I know in approximately 4 hours, the stupid bird is going to wake up and I will be reduced to a pathetic sobbing zombie version of myself begging for mercy. There is too much to do tomorrow for me not to get any sleep tonight and to start my week off exhausted and iritated.
This has been a repeating pattern recently. Since turning 30 I've had less sleep then ever before, but since Clomid sleep is elusive at best. It is taking its toll on my health at this point. Can you tell I am not a happy camper tonight?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Today was one of those great days. DH and I took Cody to the Wiener Roast at The Castle to benefit Dashchund rescue. Now I don't mean to brag, but we have one of the most beautiful doxie's on the planet. It was so great because his breeder (Cindy) spotted us from a mile away and yelled out "OMG is that my Grandpuppy? He looks fabulous." AWE, I love it when people remark how beautiful he is. We snapped a few pics, please excuse my overly sweaty face but it was extremely humid out there today with all the storms and the plus 80 degree weather.
Friday, May 15, 2009
AWW, I got an adorable Blog award. This one isn't as precise in its explanation as the first one, (and we all know it goes under the fun chain/quiz/games style anyway) but it is apparently based on the Sisterhood of the Traveling pants. A sweet award especially come from such a fabulous person that is Rachel.
The Rules are ofcourse:
1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate at least 5 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.
Now I will not follow the rules as I'm not going to just choose 5 people at random who haven't recieved the award yet, because to me, that is just too chain like. Three of the people who would be on my list have been nominated already (Rachel, Lyssa, and Stephanie). These are my "e-sisters". My go to girls who are awesome in all aspects.
So while I won't officially nominate them (as they already have the award) or nominate exactly five more there are a few who deserve recognition from me for having interesting blogs and show their love to other bloggers consistently. The winners are:
2)Nikki- Another Whirlwind Adventure
3) Loretta- Lorettas Vendetta
Have fun ladies!
The perfect outfit: Jeans, strappy tank top, and tennis shoes. Comfortable and appropriate for all kinds of events: gardening, messing with the horses, chilling with friends, earth dog trials.
The perfect meal: Grilled burgers, pasta salad and home made icecream.
The perfect hangover cure: Greasy bacon and eggs and gallons of coffee
The perfect facial feature: Teeth. I always look at teeth first.
The perfect drink: Mango Margarita-fruity, whimsical and perfect by the pool.
The perfect song: Depends on what your mood is. "Jolene" by Dolly Parton-It's strong, memorable, and elements of compassion and ruthlessness and the power of the fem psyche.
The perfect sign of affection: A kiss on the forehead. It's sweet and endearing and can be for a lover, a child, a parent a friend.
The perfect afternoon: Laying on a float in my pool, with my horses grazing in the pasture, burgers smoking on the grill, a margarita in my hand, and conversation with good friends.
The perfect vacation: Any vacation will do at this point.
The perfect invention: toilet paper
The perfect type of wedding: One where every moment is happy and the love lasts a lifetime.
The perfect album: Elvis Presley
The perfect accent: A Southern drawl ;)
The perfect date: A nice dinner with stimulating intellectual conversation and a steamy kiss goodnight.
The perfect weather: 85 degrees, sunny but not humid.
The perfect party: Come to my house, I'll show you.
The perfect sport: Swimming. Great exercise and no sweat!
The perfect thing to say: "You've won the lottery." bwahahaha
The perfect day of the week: Saturday. I get things done around the house and Saturday nights are usually our night out.
Okay, tag YOU are ALL it.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I have been looking up the whole issue of whether OPK's work for people with PCOS and basically can not confirm/deny that. Its one of those ::everyonesdifferentdust:: things. Bugger. I don't think I'm going to waste any more money on them none the less.
Preseed: Should I or shouldn't I? Last month when I ovulated, I had that beautiful CM that the Dr. pulled out. However, she had to scrape it with a brush and it wasn't that much. Needless to say, neither of us ever find it so I'm wondering if I should start using preseed.
So many questions. Everytime I think I have a handle on the mechanics, I only come up with more questions. I'm trying to make a decision on what to do, where to go from here and I'm just getting more stressed out and confused. I'm only two months into a plan of action and I already need a break. WTF.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Yesterday while enjoying a perfect southern day, I kept hearing this odd whirring sound. I didn't pay much attention as I was busy planting my greenbeans and eggplants. My dogs were lazily lying on the porch and my horses were grazing in the pasture as the sun glinted off my the sparkling water in my pool. It was a perfect afternoon!
Then armegeddon happened. My dogs went apeshitbatty cowering down and barking. My horses started screaming and bucking and running, the roar grew louder and a shadow fell across the ground. OMG there are lunatics in a hot air balloon trying to crash into my house and they are WAVING at me? Are you kidding? The Roar ofcourse was them laying on the gas (or whatever it is they do) to keep the ballon aloft. I gathered they were specifically trying to keep it low so that the neighborhooods could read the giant LUBRANO's PIZZA sign on the side.
Don't get me wrong, it was a neat advertising ploy and one I'm sure the kids in the area enjoyed but did you have to scare the ever loving crap out of my animals? I enjoy a hot air balloon siting and all, but pretty please keep it a little higher next time. kthxbai
BTW: I really do love Lubrano's. I loved you more when you delivered. Since you can afford a hot air balloon ride over my house does that mean you will deliver to it again?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I had pretty much given up on this month. My chart was off and we weren't having sex, so I didn't see the point. I didn't use OPK's, not checking my cervix, I was done. Today I noticed my last few temps. It almost looks like I may have ovulated. I won't know for sure until I watch it for the next few days. I did not have any ovulation pain or cyst rupturing pain this time. So if I did ovulate, my right ovary may work painlessly.
The biggest problem is, the lack of sex which means, if I did ovulate, we missed it. DAMNIT. So either way you look at it, this was a wasted cycle. Bless DH's heart, he has been trying, and I've wanted NOTHING to do with it. He keeps asking me how we are supposed to have children if I won't let him touch me. I can tell he's getting frustrated with me. It's pretty bad when a man doesn't get excited by a BJ. "You can't get pregnant that way." Sigh.
I'm AFRAID to take the clomid next month. I'm afraid it will be worse since it will be a higher dose yet again. Plus I'm pretty sure based on last month that my left ovary does work. DH has also said, "We are having sex from the time you stop AF to the time you start AF again if it kills me." No darling, that much sex won't kill you, but I might if you keep coming near me with that thing.
I'm so confused by all of this. How my body feels versus natural tendencies. I'm not myself anymore. I'm this bitter, hateful, spastic, a-sexual person who wants to hide in a hole like a hermit crab. It's taking all my will power to work and be somewhat social. I dont' even like people anymore. This is not me. God help me, I think I need a psych eval.
PS. (while I'm complaining for the day) I'm fighting a migraine and my new PNV are making me nauseated. If this gets any more Fun I'll have to join the circus. *rolls eyes*
Monday, May 11, 2009
BFF bought me Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred. I'm so excited I could pee myself. Hopefully by the time it is delivered my knees will be better.
Speaking of knees, mine are so sunburnt its not funny. My pants are killing me and I don't want to be wearing clothes at the moment.
My Clomid is making me so sensitive I can't stand for DH to touch me. He has tried. I'm giving BJ just to avoid being touched..like I literally won't let him touch me AT ALL. This sucks.
My client is driving me insane. There are hiccups when buying a house. They sometimes take longer than INSTANTANEOUS to fix. I have TWO jobs. Please bear with me and FYI, we still have over 30 days to fix these minute problems. I'm going to strangle you.
My house is a mess: IT.Must. Be. Cleaned.Soon. or I will SCREAM!
My yard and half of my garden looks fabulous (grass not flowerbeds) which explains why my knees are burnt and my house is a mess.
Mother's Day was a clusterfuck of my sister and mother bickering at each other, spoilt children and me trying to hurry the day up to get the hell out of there. I did enjoy spending time with my BFF at her house before hand though. I am so jealous of her backyard and manicured fish pound,decks, flowerbeds. Makes my yard look pitiful.
Oh yes, my pool is no longer slime green. It is cloudy blue. Yay for progress. I'm seriously considering giving my 23yo college student cousin permission to use the pool with up to 2 friends during the work week this summer in exchange for his cleaning services (I.E. a real life pool boy). Hmmmm.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I was with him when he took it to the local autozone a few months ago but the guy was a prick and wouldn't give him the part numbers so we couldn't have our friend get them for us at cost. I've insisted week after week he take it to a different one. They are supposed to give you the info. SOOOOOOOOOOOO...there is a different Autozone on the way to the pool store and I knew this, so I specifically wore the skankiest spaghetti strap tank top in my aresenol over the wrong colored push up bra. The girls' were OUT there to say the least. Throw in a little southern molasses in the voice, soften it up a bit and..
The poor bastard would not be able to identify me in a line up. He NEVER saw my face. I think he drooled a bit. I however, have my engine codes, the part numbers, their prices, the generic parts and instructions on how to make the generics work.
Yea. My boobs are that good. They are a menace to society and I willfully used them to my advantage and then smugly told DH about it who rolled his eyes at me. If the stupid things are not going to be used as God intended, then I surely will put them to use for something.
Dear Boobs, Since you are so good at getting your way, could you PUHLEASE have a conversation with my ute? You are the only thing that I currently like about my body because unlike other parts, you are quite useful.
I'm such a slore.
Friday, May 8, 2009
In other news:
I'm thinking of bidding on a car. It's worth 3000.00, I'll bid 400.00. I know I won't get it, but its worth a shot. It's all highway miles as it is a company car used for visiting interns and all scheduled maintenance has been performed on it through the years. Plus one of the mechanics here said he would look it over if I got it and make sure everything is up to par. I need a family vehicle and a back up plan since our cars are older. Yes this car is older too, but we would have a spare. Can't really afford it (since I could put that money towards baby fund) but if I were to get it for 400.00, we can't afford to pass it up either.
In Other OTHER news:
DH finally decided what he wants a degree in. I can totally see him doing it and getting a job in this field which would help us out financially. Now I just have to figure out how to pay for him to go to college our of our current funds on top of everything else. He's so smart and has so much knowledge in computers already. He wired computer systems for missiles in the military for heaven's sake. He can hack or build a new computer from spare parts, he has a computer that he COLLECTS computer viruses on as a hobbie so he damn sure should have the degree to get paid well for this crap. I've got to make this work because in four years, our lives would be better and we could revisit that whole SAHM thing if he were making a nicer salary.
I'm just scared that with all of this, its just another point for not having a baby now. Then it goes back to its now or never, so I'm screwed either way. I just don't know what God is telling me to do here. I really don't. These are positive things, but they can create such havoc so is it a plus or negative. I just don't know.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
- My adoring husband who loves me despite my mood swings, unhealthy fear of tornadoes, and various other pyschopathic tendencies.
- My pets who show me love in new ways every day and challenge my patience on a consistent basis.
- My family who while many members are trying to say the least, my parents are wonderful people who would give someone the shirts off their backs and haven't caught any breaks lately.
- My friends both IRL and on the Interwebz. You are all blessings. Like snowflakes you are all different and I love each and every one of you as I love the beauty found in a snowflake. You are amazing people and I am touched on a daily basis by your strength, beauty (both inner and outer) and kindness.
- My job(s). While neither is really what I should be doing/making at the moment, I atleast am working and bringing in enough money so that between the two of us we are making it. We can pay our bills, we can feed our animals, we can buy gifts for our friends on their birthdays and occasionally we can buy a little trinket for ourselves.
- My house. While not my dream house, I could not pass it up. I love every inch of it including the sagging patchwork roof (okay its not THAT bad but it does have patches of different color shingles which is totally my fault for not buying the right color to replace the missing ones after storms.) I love every red brick and every nail sticking out of my deck that has to be hammered back in. I am very lucky to have a house that we could never afford, built by my father's hands and basically given to us. I won't go into the details but we are EXTREMELY fortunate despite the things that need to be done and the amount of work it takes to keep the place up. I know most people would KILL to have been given this opportunity. So feel free to e-smack me when I complain about my house.
- My education: it's not exactly helping me out at the moment due to the economy and overabundance of experienced workers needing jobs but it was mostly free (thank you Mom and Dad) and I had an amazing college experience. I am extremely fortunate.
- My health. I'm not the healthiest person in the world as I struggle with weight and IF but I do not have a disease that keeps me sick etc. So I have to include my health because overall I am a healthy person able to live a happy, productive, normal daily life.
Not a bad life all and all. I struggle with things. I let the current circumstance get me down. I fight with my own emotions and mental attitude which has only been heightened by the Clomid making my fight an all out battle at times. When you review the positives in your life though, you see the bigger picture. Yes, I'm going to struggle and have to re-evaluate the savings account and the budget and financing payments possibly to go forward with having a child (as well as the darn patchwork roof). Things are tight and may not always be easy (as if they ever truly are). I will complain, I will get down but for now, I survived the bad weather last night (a little neurotic through the evening hours but I'm still sane), I slept like a rock for SEVEN WHOLE HOURS, the pain in my ute is at the moment bearable, and despite the nausea I'm managing to stay up right at my desk. Today could still be a good day. And that my friends is about all the sunshine I can blow out my ass today. *wink*
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'm an idiot for not getting the latest and greatest insurance info as well. I thought I had read all the updates that came in but I should have known when the whole Insurance Card Catastrophe happend a few months ago that I was not receiving everything. It may be totally my fault that I had different figures in my head. I don't deny that. However, when I start getting higher deductibles, 60/40 pay outs, blah blah blah thrown at me, I freaked.
Melt Down insued. Preparing my mind that I was never going to have a child because I can't afford it without IF much less WITH IF, was like taking a knife to my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, my head felt like it was literally going to explode. Somehow, miraculously, I made it through the work day. I just knew DH was going to have a shitfit over all of this.
When I told him, and he looked at me and said "So?" I was speechless. I started arguing all the money matter on why we couldn't do this despite all the reasons we have to do it now if we stand a chance at having a child. He was SO CALM and reminded me about AFLAC and the suplemental plan he chose etc. which makes the numbers come up better. I have requested all of the updated information so I can make sure the exact figures are right but until then DH doesn't want to stop. We looked at all this insurance stuff BEFORE PCOS and IF etc. I'm such an idiot for not looking again and readjusting the budget!
I don't want to be one of those people who ends up paying huge hospital bills and can't afford to pay it off immediately. I also want a child, and my PCOS and 31 yo body isn't going to cooperate forever (hell, it doesn't cooperate now). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Between common financial sense and natural desire/need.
::head in hands:: I don't know what to do. I thought I had it all figured it out but now I just don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe its being taken out of my hands anyway. Look at my chart, as if I really have anything to worry about. The negative side of me says "You aren't going to ever get pregnant anyway, so why worry or bother?" The other side says "You will get pregnant and have a baby, you just may owe your right arm when its all said and done." Not exactly positive on that side either.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
In addition, the storm that came through at 2:30am that rocked the house and our power go out for a short period of time kept me awake. My poor dog who is terrified of storms was clawing the bed (she's too old and fat to get in the bed) and when I got up to set the travel clock alarm she was under my feet. If this dog could have crawled up my butt she would have. I felt bad for her. Once the puppy heard me moving around he started whining and barking in his crate. The cat decided it must be playtime since I was up and decided to irritate me. I was not a happy camper this morning.
So another day of being a Zombie at work. These sleepless nights, lack of three solid hours of sleep etc. are taking their toll on my chart. I REALLY dont' see the point of even charting but I can't stop. I want to. It's addictive. I'm continuing to have pain on the left side around the ovary which is bothering me. So far there isn't any pain with sex like when the cyst ruptured last month. No sign of fertile CM either. I still have some time but it's very hard for me to hang on to the positives this month. I know Rachel says to visualize everything. I'm trying...but I can't focus. I'm too tired. BOO.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I did get some last night. It was more of a chore and that sucks. It also hurt which means my ovary is doing SOMETHING because it was identical to what happened/how it felt last month. I didn't O (as in ORGASM not ovulate) either. Which REALLY pisses me off because I get mine 95% of the time (one of the reasons I married this man, ha ha). After the week I have had, and the crap I am putting my body through, I damn sure deserve atleast a small orgasm for my troubles. That whole, "as long as my man is satisfied, I'm happy" line? Yea, that's complete and utter BULLSHIT. I am not one to lay and cuddle and stroke him as he lays there like a cat after creme, all smug and satisfied. Nope, I by golly, better be a quivering puddle of goo afterwards or I will be pissed. Obviously, last night I was pissed. Just not at him, because it wasn't his fault. It's my stupid body.
It's retalliating against me. I'm forcing a drug induced function upon it and it hates me. Therefore it takes the one thing I'm really good at away from me. "Sure, bitch, you can force me to try and have a baby, but you damn sure aren't going to enjoy it. How do you like me now?" Dear Body, I don't like you AT ALL. Not one little bit. I hate you.
I also hate, what this is doing to me, and who it is making me become. I don't like the thug version of myself and I feel these angry tentacles of meaness creeping up to spew forth and its choking me. I'm going to end up unloading on someone over the smallest little thing and I won't like myself for that either. I need to be locked up and recieve conjugal visits until this deal is done or seriously not do it. 50mg was manageable. 100mg is making me a raving bitchy lunatic. I can not even fathom what 150 mg will do to me. I really really can't grasp the thought of doing this another month. Really.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Woke up late after a restless night so again with the effed up chart and sleep deprivation. I have similar feelings in my abdomen that I did when I ovulated/cyst ruptured last month. Same side and everything which is wierd as I was expecting to get some activity on my right side or none at all. If my body is gearing up to ovulate or it did yesterday, I'm screwed this month. Well, technically I'm UNSCREWED as we haven't had sex AT ALL.
WTF is the point? This Clomid is making me literally insane. I'm moody, I have hot flashes, I can't sleep, night sweats, I am NOT myself and I don't even want to have sex most of the time. I don't know if I want to do this anymore.
I'm thinking about stopping. Stopping it all: charting, Clomid, EVERYTHING. I don't know if I can do this anymore or if I even want to. I'm not particularly fond of the human race lately on an overall level, so do I really want to contribute to it?
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Interestingly enough, I was having this fabulous sexual dream about my DH and I out by the pool. When I woke up, my sweet DH was gone. HE ALWAYS SLEEPS later then me. I found him outside......at the pool. Unfortunately, the pool is currently in a state of green slime and cold but I got a kick out of it and so did he when I told him. Hmmmm maybe sleep was all it took, to get me out of my Lorraina Bobbit mood. Maybe he will actually get some tonight. Poor soul, trying to knock me up is difficult when I threaten him if he gets too close to me..LOL.
I'm also planning on working VERY little today. I will put in my 6-7 hours but I refuse to work and take phone calls the rest of the weekend. ( I say this but you and I both know that if someone calls to put an offer on a house, my butt will be at the office because I can't turn down money.)
This morning, I'm going to try and get the grocery shopping out of the way, so I need to get to it, if its going to be done before work. Have a great weekend everyone.
Friday, May 1, 2009
After hours of restlessness, I finally got up at the first evidence of the sky lighting up. The Dawn is a beautiful but lonely time. In the spring and summer when I am up at Dawn, standing outside breathing in the fragrant air (and pollen), with distant house lights twinkling on randomly, my dogs running through the grass, my cat wrapped around my ankle, I always have the most contented feeling of pure peace. I’m alone with the world, alone with Mother Nature and God. There is no noise, no rude people, just the sounds of the earth I enjoy. Today, that was the only rest for my battered soul, as sleep never came to me during the dark hours of night. Dawn was my rest, the gentle hand that cleared my head like brushing away the glistening webs with morning dew.
Dawn is also a quick lover, and has since vanished in the brightening sun. My fatigue has returned, my confidence is ebbing., and I have a long day ahead of me. The mix of Clomid and the high levels of stress due to two jobs has really taken a toll on me this week. It is like a physical blow just trying to keep my mind on task. I find myself wondering in a strange places in my own head, only to mentally whimper when I’m snapped back to reality by a difficult task or question. My brain checked out wholly about two days ago, and I am simply riding a wave of pure emotion with occasional bursts of coffee induced adrenaline.
This must be what a drug addict feels like. Being trapped in a body that will only respond to various drug induced commands. My two drugs of choice: Clomid and Caffeine. Not the best mix I’m sure. I know I only have 2-4 more months of Clomid anyway before I have to stop and go see the RE, but at this moment, I’m not sure I can make it through THIS month much less commit to another one when this one doesn’t work. Seriously is there any point? If I ovulate, it doesn’t do me much good, when my body is so whacked out I can’t tell and I’m too tired to have sex anyway.
Poor DH, tried to initiate last night, but at 11 pm, lights off, full blown exhaustion, I was not cooperating AT ALL. I’m not even going to pretend I tried. Now really, how am I supposed to get pregnant when I don’t even want my DH to touch me! All I want, is to find a dark hole and crawl into it. I want to shut the world out and sleep for a month. Maybe Rumplestiltskin will join me and grant me a child without all this emotional drug induced drama.