Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween

Sometimes, you just appreciate being normal, even when you want to kill the dog. I was having the most wonderful dream this morning. Snuggled in my bed with my heating pad strapped to my belly, my husband snoring beside me softly. It was barely light enough to make out shapes of furniture and I was in that blissful stage between waking and sleeping when you can halfway direct your dreams like you are Stephen Spielberg.

Scarlett would have no part of my blissful dream of buying a complete new wardrobe in Paris after achieving my goal weight. As I walked the cobblestone strips scooping up Prada and Dolce, my ears were ringing with the far away sounds of pitiful whine.bark.whine. My shopping trip was over.

We trudged outside in the misty fall light of a Halloween morning to a light rain and a swirl of orange in the air. The leaves were falling like snow but it wasn't cold. The air was crisp and fresh and I turned my face to the overcast sky and just let it wash away the past. We stayed outside for probably 45 minutes. I cleaned up most of the cardboard recycling piled on the back of the deck. Set out the plastic chairs and tables around the deck, took down the window boxes and straightened some potted plants.

To continue the feeling of renewed energy and starting fresh, I cleaned my kitchen (again) and made a pot of chili, started some more laundry and took a nap cuddled with my now happy and pee-free pups.

I think sometimes we forget how to live. We forget what we live for, what we work for. We don't live just to procreate but to contribute to the cycle of life, the seasons of the earth. We have friendships, families, loved ones. We have holidays, parties, events, and meetings. We have work, yardwork, house maintenance, and bad times. Things that consume us when it deviates us from our plan.

There is a book by one of my favorite Authors who wrote back before, during and after the World Wars. She wrote of life in upper class America. Of how they continued to live every day to the best of their ability while assuming Red Cross Duties, Air Raid Warden positions and encouraging the youth of America to be upstanding citizens. One of her books, Spring Always Comes, ends a period of strife and conflict in the heroine's life with the first signs of Spring and renewel. Why wait for Spring? Even in the darkest days of winter, you can find love and peace and a continued effort to make life happen. Whether you are religious and believe in God's plan or not, there is always a feeling of being on a journey. At certain times by the universal plan or God's design, you are meant to be in a certain spot for a certain reason. It's not always about YOU but may be about influencing someone else's life. Bringing yourself through tragedy gives you the strength to provide it for someone else who may not have had enough of their own without your aid.

It's hard to admit we do not have control and we often cater to the perverse things of life: that new roof we have no choice but to buy, that expensive tune-up on a foreign car, a whiney dog needing to pee on a comfortable Fall morning, a baby crying at 2 am when you have the flu. It's not always easy even when we get what we want but taking the time to enjoy what is around you each and every day while getting to each destination along the way: Priceless.

I wish you all a Happy Fall Day full of love, compassion, strength and smiling Trick or Treaters. Happy Halloween.

Eagle's Chili

This recipe was given to me by a generous friend who passed away in April. Every Halloween he would make huge pots of this Chili and invite anyone and everyone to his house in celebration of Friendship. For our wedding, he passed the recipe to me. It's called Eagle's Chili. I have tweaked it a bit here to make a small pot of simple Chili for the everyday. It's hearty and thick and pairs Great with Cornbread or Garlic Bread. You can eat it plain or garnish it with a variety of crackers, sour cream, and/or cheese, nacho chips or even chives. There is an endless possibility of things you can do with a basic hearty chili.

Eagle's Chili
1 1/2 lbs hamburger, chopped fine or crumbled
1 large onion, chopped fine
1 large green bell pepper, chopped fine
2 large cans of Bushes Mild Chili Beans
1 Large can of Diced Tomatoes
1 jar of V8 Vegetable blend or Plain Tomato Juice
1 Package of Taco Seasoning
1 jar of sliced mushrooms
Chili Powder to taste

Brown Hamburger. When hamburger is almost done add in onions and green pepper and saute in the hamburger juice. Add in Envelope of Taco seasoning and stir till well blended. Transfer to a crockpot. Add the rest of ingredients and cook for 8-10 hours. Periodically stir and add chili powder.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Menu Friday

I know menu planning is normally reserved for Monday's but I'm behind due to recent events so today was my menu planning and shopping trip. For Halloween I'm trying Rachel Ray's Green Goble 'em Garlic Chuncks with a pot of chili. This will be easy comfort food for a spooky night in huddled under a blanket watching Ghost Hunters.

Also on the Fall menu for the next week:
Chicken Fajita Taco's
Roast Chicken and Veggies
Chicken Salad sandwiches
Sausage Balls and Green Bean Casserole
Left Overs (for lunches and maybe one or two dinners)

Hopefully some baking recipes will also show up this week. Possibilities: Sweet Potato Breads or Pumpkin Cupcakes. We shall see.


I woke up this morning from a deep slumber without all that pain I've had for the past several days. The sore muscles and aching body? Almost all gone. A little stiffness and a few sore spots left but I can MOVE again without feeling I'm going to fall apart.

I still have some pain and twinges in the ute area, so I'm going to take it easy for a few more days, but I can breathe again. I feel like I can live again. I'm not confined to my house popping pills like Hugh Laurie on House. I can cook my husband dinner and hopefully be able to eat it! (I was still unable to chew last night so stuck with chicken soup, which I am SICK OF-I'm STARVING for the first time in days.) I have 24 hours in which to salvage Halloween.

I don't want to over do it by any means, but I think I feel well enough to try and throw together a pot of chili to enjoy while we cozy in for our marathon of Live Ghost Hunters on SyFy. That's not too much to ask!

A friend of mine is coming by today for a some girl catch up time. Thank goodness my sister helped me clean my house yesterday! I can have people drop in on me and not be embarrassed! I may even trade my pj pants for jeans before she gets here and fix my hair. (Then again, maybe not!)

I'm even looking forward to going back to work and going back to 'normal' routine and living. I love being home but when I'm home and can't work on projects and my house, it drives me insane. I want to LIVE again. I want to get back to doing what I do, exercising, baking, cooking and just being and not having all this time to think and wait tied down by sore muscles that only remind me of what we've been through. While I can never forget this, EVER, I want to look to the future and make plans and dreams again. Being dreamless is a dark place to be. Here is to a new day of living. With the advent of Samhain, today is a time of honoring my family both past and future, honoring life and death and that precious balance between the two, honoring love which keeps us living and dying.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Apple Pie

Sometimes the simplest things can provide comfort to us and we look to our traditional cultural foods to provide those in our time of need. During a very emotional time for me, I turned to my love of food and cooking to help me cope. Being in the kitchen is comfort. Feeding people things I made from love and hard work give me joy.

Over home made warm apple pie and hot coffee, I found comfort in the simple things today. The things that make living worth it all. A sister who rushed to my aid, a husband who valiantly carried on while I took time to mend. A helping hand to clean my house while the fall leaves fell on a sunny day. A sweet dog lying in a patch of sun, a bag of fallen and bruised apples sent by a neighbor that found their way into an apple pie to be served up for my family.

Simple joys. Simple tastes. Simply comfort.

Apples. (I prefer four or five gala apples and one granny smith for a kick but any apples will do).
3 tbs flour
3/4 cup white sugar (less if the pie is not heaped with apples)
3/4 cup brown sugar (less if the pie is not heaped with apples)
1 tbs lemon juice
1 tsp nutmeg
2 tbs cinnamon
1/2 stick butter

One egg
two Pillsbury Roll Out pie crusts

Directions: Roll one pie crust into pan, pre-heat oven to 400 or 425 depending on your oven and elevation. Skin and slice apples thinly and arrange in pie crust. Sprinle lemon juice over it. In bowl, mix dry ingredients and pour over apples, spreading evenly. Divide butter into "pats" and spread evenly around pie. Roll top crust over and pinch together edges of two crusts. I use a fork or spoon to mash edges together and create a nice even sealed pattern. Cut an X into center of top. Whisk egg in bowl, add a bit of water and brush across top of pie crust. and around edges. Cover edges with aluminum foil and bake for 20-30 minutes till crust is startingly to bubble but before it turns golden. Remove tinfoil and bake an additional 10-15 minutes until crust is golden brown and shiny.

Cool and serve warm or cold. American tradition, simple, and oh so good.

My few Choices

Is it possible to be more sore today then yesterday? Apparently. The coughing and hacking have made my ribs and back more sore. I'm also experiencing discomfort in the ute, heavier bleeding and some slighty chunkage today. I thought they got all that out? WTF people. Can someone please explain to me how long this is supposed to last?
I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm sore. I just want to cry because I want this done with. I want to get back to some semblance of life and quit harping on the way I feel and my emotional trauma because frankly I'm starting to have a really hard time of holding my shiz together. At this moment with my throat on fire and my chest hurting so bad, crying would do me more physical harm than emotional good and I just can't handle that on top of everything else. I shouldn't have to choose between crying and breathing.
I have very few choices in my life at the moment: sofa or recliner, channels on TV, water or apple juice, chicken soup or icecream (neither of which go down very well) and that's about it. Adding crying vs breathing to that small list is not exactly comfort.
I REALLY want something else to talk about.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Morning After-Our Anniversary

I woke up this morning to dog's whining and NOT my husbands annoying blaring alarm clock. He took today off to be with me during my recovery period. It just so happens to be our anniversary as well. Some may call that convenient, but I think its a little more ironic but not in a funny way.

I was not expecting to feel like I had been in a head-on collision (and I've been in a few so I know). I'm so sore, I can hardly move, but that is so much better then the rending pain of yesterday. I can honestly be thankful it is over, all of it. Even the scary part post surgery where I was disoriented and stopped breathing when they took away the oxygen and had to shove it back up my nose really quickly. Not breathing or knowing what is going is TERRIFYING especially to one who likes to be in control.

The hospital, suctioned my lungs while I was under because apparently there was a lot of yellow mucos lying at the bottom of them. Thanks assholes, you just kicked up my chronic bronchitis of which I am coughing my head off now, which hurts my poor battered body. Do I thank them for sucking out some of the grossness or kick them? When I regain my strength I may kick them.

All in all, despite the soreness and lack of motion/mobility I'm feeling, this day does look a bit brighter then yesterday. This doctor would prefer we don't start trying for atleast three cycles to lessen the risk of miscarriage. We were really hoping to try in one. When we see my regular Dr. for the follow-up we may see what he thinks about splitting the difference if I've healed well. Trying ON the third cycle versus waiting till AFTER the third cycle. Either way I guess it doesn't matter as no matter what we are now TTA until 2010. I thought I would be more upset then this but maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Or maybe the trauma that I just went through has scared me off just a bit if I'm honest with myself. Fortunately, I can produce other things to look forward to besides the nursery and baby. There's a girl's day out for B's birthday, Thanksgiving Dinner and black Friday shopping, Christmas decorating and baking and movies. New Years where we will celebrate beginning to TTC again. While most people cringe at the thought of going through late pregnancy in the summer, I quite relish it. I have a pool, and during the cumbersom months I see no better relaxation and exercise options then using that. So for me, it may be a good thing.

I'm holding on to all those positives I can wrap my brain around right now.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


It turns out,I know my body. The pain I was going through, was unbearable. By the time my sister got here towards mid day, I was screaming in agony. My body was actually in labor trying to pass the dead fetal tissue. My own body was tearing itself up.

My sister took me back to the Doctor. Bless her heart, someone was going to fix me or they were going to have trouble. If you have never seen an irate Southern Mary Kay Sales rep, its a lesson in polite hostility all dressed in pink. LOL I may not always get along with her but I know when it comes down to my well being and pain, and a can of whoopass, she comes through.

The Doctor sent me immediately to the hospital where I was admitted to the OR and prepped for surgery. I had no choice. I had to have the DNC afterall. The Dr. came out and talked to my husband after it was done and told him, there is no way I would have been able to pass it on my own. The DNC was completely unavoidable and I, despite my 4 months of Clomid use, have the thickest uteran lining he had ever seen. Who knew?

This day sucked. Hard Core. No doubt about it. Tomorrow has to be better. For tonight, I'm going to relax in my husbands arms and be thankful the pain has stopped and I can breathe. I'll go to sleep for the first time, undrugged in two days, listening to the rain, knowing it can truly come to an end and we can move on.
I tried to prepare myself for the pain of the physical miscarriage. Emotionally I was prepared. Physically is another story. I know it will end eventually but I was not quite prepared for it to last this long.

Have you ever tried to sleep, shivering on a toilet? The pain was so bad last night and coming every 3-5 minutes that I basically stayed on the toilet wracked with cold chills, throwing up. I Couldn't lay down, they got worse. I'm exhausted and still hurting though not quite as bad as last night. I still can't lay down though, the pain gets really bad if I do.

I KNOW it has to end soon, but it would be nice if the stupid Vicodin would atleast take the edge off.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hello, My name is Demeter

I'm not quite sure which is harder? The mornings or the nights or the time in between. Yesterday was rough for me. No particular reason. I felt stress because I was way behind at work for missing those three days. I felt pressure from a client to find her a house meeting severe restrictions (price, location, land quantity) because she wants it under contract ASAP to get the tax credit. All of this work drowning me as I just try to make it through one more day. One day closer to the "physical event." One more day experiencing increasing physical pain that is unexplained. Possibly miscarry but no blood yet.

Hours go by, where I'm normal and functioning and living. I make plans, I look toward the holidays and being with people. Then something happens. A reminder, a picture, a commercial, a kind word sent from a friend to let me know they are thinking of me. And I lose it. The tears come and I become motionless and my mind goes to so many places and I have to WORK to get myself under control.

I go to bed early at night because I'm physically exhausted after fighting myself inside all day. I wake up early in the morning and the house is quiet and I'm alone. Alone with my thoughts and my fully caffienated coffee, the wind howling at the door sending the leaves raining down upon my world. Winter is coming.

Greek mythology tells us that the seasons were developed due to the abduction of Demeter's daughter Persephone by Hades. He whisked the fair maiden off to the underworld and in Demeter's grief the world died as she was the embodiment of mother nature. When Demeter grieved over her child, the world literally grieved with her.When Persephone was returned to her by decree of Zues, the world bloomed again and became living, but Persephone had been tricked by Hades to eat the food of the underworld dooming her to spend a season each year there for eternity and so she had to split her time among the living and the dead. When Persephone came to be with her mother every year, the world begin to live thus Spring and Summer as Demeter became happy. When Persephone went to spend time in her forced imprisonment, Demeter became sad thus we have Fall and Winter.

I am reminded of this story as I sit here and the leaves fall with my tears. Soon the trees will be bare, the air will be cold, there will be no color in the world but the bright lights of christmas as joyful music fills the air and I will go on living and celebrating and loving but I will never forget these moments. These moments of crumbling color and sadness. The feel of the wind whisking away my tears. Like the season, the month, the year, this too shall pass. This will be yet another memory, another story, I share in my life. Time is fleeting, pain eases, but memories return like the seasons as the world keeps spinning.

Friday, October 23, 2009

My Amazing Flowers

I've tried not to post today since its been a "not so good day" for me. I've been very down in the dumps and having quite a bit of pain. I'm hoping that my body is trying to naturally do this and its nothing else (as if that's not bad enough).

I found something positive to share though. My amazing flowers from Rachel, Alyssa, and Stephanie. They are gourgeous and mean the world to me (both the flowers and the ladies). This one bright point, their love and compassion for me, continues to be a beacon through my cloudy days.

I love you girls, with all my heart.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Blessings and Hope

I made it to work today. I've only teared up once and I got it under control. I'm going to make it through till the weekend and try to be strong because I'm sure I will go through another round of emotions on Monday when I start the physical part of this ordeal.

I put the baby things away. The baby books, the clothes, the few little oddities that people had started "passing" to me. There is no point in torturing myself with them as that does neither me nor my baby or future babies any good.

I find my strength in my blessings. This baby let me know that we have a future. I was able to concieve. I was getting desperate and depressed and tottering on the edge of giving up my dream when I was surprised with this BFP. That is the gift my child gave to me. HOPE. I was blessed with the presence of one of God's Angels for a short time and I will always carry that blessing and hope with me.

My husband. He was amazing through the pregnancy and through this week. It's hard to believe that our love could grow but it did. We are stronger together and are stronger as a couple, as parents, for the experience and for the love of a child.

My family and close friends. They have checked on me everyday. They have brought me really fattening cake, watched movies with me, cried with me, consoled me, sent me flowers, and loved me.

My bloggers and Chat Board girls. You have provided me with comfort, knowledge and answered my questions and sent thoughts and prayers. You have been my voices of reason, experience and strength. Your smiling babies are my promise. Your happy and healthy pregnancies are my dream. I will still follow you all with tears of joy, kind words, and always be here for you in return for all you have given me.

During dark times, there is a light of hope. I choose to honor that hope and continue on this journey looking at my blessings. I try not to take for granted the things that are good in my life but I often do. In this time of reflection, I see too many wonderful things to ignore them for the pain. The pain is real but "Hope springs eternal."

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Living Love

I don't want to be THAT girl. The one that sits at home for two weeks sobbing, acting like a weak willed psycho chick. The one that returns to the land of living only to be bitter and disillusioned. I don't want to push my baby out of my head so that I can be strong either. I'm trying to find my balance. There are hours where I'm fine. I can clean or go shopping with my sister and be okay. There are still hours where I cry because I can't quite make myself call the Doctor and ask for the pills. (which I finally did this morning and they haven't called back yet).
I almost made it to work this morning. Then I panicked. What if I broke down when I called the Dr. and all these guys I work with that didn't know I was pregnant stared at me in confusion and asked me what was wrong?

Then my mother called me. For the first time since this happened. She thought tough love would be appropriate. Telling me that I wasn't meant to have this child so I needed to get off my ass and get rid of it so I could get pregnant again, so go to work and stop crying. Yes. Because THAT is SO the right thing to say. Then she tells me she has so much empathy for me and the only way she could get through a conversation was being tough because SHE is so hurt and grieving. FAIL. BIG FAT FUCKING FAIL of MOTHERHOOD! Atleast I don't have much to live up to to be Mother of the Year in this family. My husband came home shortly after this as I was sitting in a tub full of steaming hot bubbles trying to scald away the previous conversation. He had forgotten the company credit card and his first words were "You aren't going to work?" I can tell he's frustrated with me for staying home today but only because he is confused on how I feel. I think he thinks I sit at home and cry all day. I told him about the conversation with my mom and she is now on his shitlist. Great.

I have felt such an outpouring of love these past few days. From friends and family. From my online community. The blog entries from other people grieving for me are unbelievable. The lives my story has touched through IF, pregnancy and now loss. I had no idea. My baby was loved. I am Loved. How can I ask for more than that in a time so hard? How can I be hateful and bitter and depressed when so much love and so many prayers are coming my way? I have an entire Catholic church in Winston-Salem praying for me (and I'm not Catholic, never stepped foot in a Catholic church). A friend of mine stopped by last night (the one I got Scarlett from) and stayed with me for a few hours. When she left she called her exhusband and told him what happened. For the first time since their breakup, he called my husband to offer him condolences and let him know that even though he's been caught up in his own world and been a horrible friend to us, that if we needed anything he would be here and if we needed them together they would come, no matter what was going on in their life.

My BFF Sarah recieved her notice that her divorce was final on Monday but she cried for me and my baby instead. This baby who had such a short existence, who will never know all these people, brought people together. Showed them love and hope. Showed me how big my world is and despite it crashing on my head, showed how much I am loved. My husband and I are strong. We are stronger together and we have loved a child. Alfred Lord Tennyson gave us the famous line: "Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Those are hard words to live by when you have lost, but I have known the love of being a mother. I may never have held my child, but I have felt my husbands arms around me and cradled a growing a life inside me. I have felt my heart grow. I can not be bitter about knowing what that's like. I can not be bitter about touching so many people's lives. I can not let my baby's short existence end in hatred and me turning negative because that is not honoring it.

I can't promise not to cry anymore. I can't promise not to write about the hurt but I can promise to honor my child's memory and look to the future. To carry on in creating a family of this love that has grown from me. To continue to fill this house with love and laughter, spirit and hope, family and faith.

There is a quote from one of my favorite movies Ever After (Drew Barrymore) at the very end: " And while Cinderella and her Prince *did* live happily ever after, the point, gentlemen, is that they *lived*." My prince and I shall live, and in doing so, the memory and love of a child shall live with us.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Emotions and Grief

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through me for the past 24 hours I don't even know where to begin. Or where to end. My brain is logical and strong but my heart is weak and emotional. My body is a bitch. I was hoping that now that my brain knows the truth my body would follow suit. Apparently, its going to continue to be my biggest foe, forcing me to decide on a method that I neither want nor believe in. I don't believe in abortion. (In case you have ever had a doubt, I'm Republican and despite my some what modern and slightly paganistic religious tendencies my Southern Baptist roots are ingrained to the core of my being.) Despite the fact that my brain knows my baby is dead, my heart refuses to believe and taking the pills or having the D&C feels like abortion to me.

How do I face forcibly removing my baby from my body? How do I face day in and day out keeping it with me? My husband is trying to be strong. He's trying to support me but I know a bit of himself has died inside as well. I try to make a plan just to get through the next hour of the day, but I still can't keep the pain from creeping in for even that long.

I fueled myself up on caffiene and IBprofen yesterday. I even thought about nicotine, but I didn't do it. I'm not suicidal or slipping into depression. I just hurt. I'm grieving and it doesn't happen very quickly. It doesn't matter that I'm not grieving for someone who lived, whom I knew for a long time. I KNEW this baby, and it was mine. I'm not ready to let go. How can I let go? What if I never get pregnant again? I will have only known what its like to be pregnant, to be a mom for such a short time. It's not fair.

In hindsight, I knew deep down since the first ultrasound, something wasn't right. It always bothered me that my baby was measuring so far behind where I knew it should be. I KNOW when I ovulated. I know the time frame for cells to form. I KNEW I should have been a week further along. I deluded myself because that heartbeat was so bright and strong and we couldn't stop smiling. I also, knew when I looked at that screen yesterday morning that I was not looking at an 11 week old baby. It was too small and there was no precious little flashing light. I couldn't breathe. I Couldn't think. Time stopped. But then it started again without me and I can't smile any more.

I was so proud of myself for not gaining any weight. I can't help but think, gaining 20 lbs and being yelled at by the dr. would be so much better than this. My head knows, there is no correlation between the two but my heart isn't rationale. I can't keep the thoughts, the doubts from creeping in. Maybe it was the IBprofen I took for the crazy backpain before I found out I was pregnant. Maybe it was the wine and cosmo's I drank 16DPO the day before my BFP. Maybe it was this or that. I heard the words that my Dr. spoke. There was nothing I could have done, nor nothing I did to cause this. 1 in 5 pregnancies end.

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR. We waited and tried for so long. We went through so many emotions being infertile. Why? Why was our happiness so short lived? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO OFFEND THE COSMO's THIS BADLY? I look at the pics we took this weekend. Our first Belly Pics. Happy Pics of us together with his hand on my stomach. What do I do with them? They are a lie, but I can't delete them because what if we never do it again. What if those are the only pregnancy pictures I ever have even though they are a lie? The picture I posted the other day, the "first family photo of the three of us?" That's the only REAL picture. On THAT day, my baby was alive. According to the ultrasound, the next day, it was dead.

I HATE this. I HATE feeling so out of control and helpless. I hate HAVING the control of decisions I don't want to make. I hate crying as soon as I open my eyes in the morning and crying myself to sleep at night. I hate that my baby will never open its eyes at all or see how much I loved it.

Monday, October 19, 2009


No heartbeat. Baby measured only 8 weeks. I have no words to describe what I feel right now. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

It's MY CAR, I'll Cry if I Want to.

His Name is Ra (for the Egyptian Sun God). He has been with me since I drove him off the showroom floor in 2002 1 1/2 years after graduation and into my first "real" job. He was young and fun, bright and cheerful, powerful and sexy. I knew the time would come when we said goodbye, and I knew that time was dawning soon, but I didn't think it would be coming so fast. I figured I would have atleast till halfway through my pregnancy to come to terms with the ending of this long and wonderful relationship. It may be as soon as Next Week due to sales at the "lot." I can only hope, that when his time comes, they find him a home where someone young in spirit who loves to fly, will love him. SHHHH don't tell him, yet.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A Picture Treat for you.

I thought I would give you guys a little treat. I tried to take a Belly Pic despite the fact that I'm fat and you really don't care to try and distinguish a bump. Fortunately for you, my camera kept flashing in the mirror or my hand would move so I gave up after about 5 attempts. Instead I'll treat to the first ultra sound pic (yes I know it was three weeks, almost four weeks ago, but I finally scanned it in) He/She is hovering at the very top. That's my baby ya'll! My little blurry black and white glorious wittle grainy baby! Isn't it precious? (Just say yes to the crazy southern lady, your life will be much simpler if you agree with me).

and also a picture of us, taken two weeks ago at the family reunion. The significance of this picture? It's the first "family" picture of the "three" of us. So please ignore the fact that I have no make up on and I'm freezing in the cold rain. Just Enjoy. Please note what my husbands shirt says. If only every idiot that passes through BOTB could see this picture they would never question why my husband married me but they would probably still worry for the sake of our future children. HA HA.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Your Pregnancy Musts

This list was posted to 1st Tri from MsMoseley in 3rd Tri. Some of these things are pretty common but I respect that she took the time and effort to make this list and want to share it here. If you know of anything else to add, please comment.

Things you may need during your pregnancy.
I in my third trimester, and I just wanted to give you some suggestion of things you will probably need as you get father along. I wish someone would have given me the heads up, so I extend this to you all.

First Trimester:

Ginger Ale
Ice Cream ( if your not holding food down, this will keep calcium coming, and its easy on the stomach)
Water Ice or Popsicles ( keeps you hydrated and is also easy to keep down, but adds flavor)
Stretch pants ( for when that bloat starts to kick in)
Metamucil ( constipation is a b*tch, but lots of fruit and water help as well, peaches worked wonders for me)

Second Trimester:

Eat up! You usually get you appetite back, so eat while you can, and eat good.
Drink loads of water, seriously.
Dont load up on caffeine, but a cup of coffee a day can get your bowels moving, and it wont harm the baby. Decaf works as well.
Exercise if you can, it will help stretch your muscles
Have sex! It so much harder to in enjoy (at least for me) in your 3rd trimester.
Maloxx (sp) is great for heartburn, upset stomach, and all the accompanies that.

Third Trimester:

Heating pad!!! ( life saver )
Pillows, comfortable ones
A full body pillow
Take baths (the help with aches, and are safe)
Get a pedi!! (Its so hard to reach your feet)
Shave with caution ( its hard to bend, its hard to see, and its hard to maintain whats below the belly )
Tylenol PM or Benadryl ( helps to sleep at night, on desperate occasions)
Sleepy Time Herbal Tea (helps sleep as well, if you want an un-medicated approach)
Pantyliners!! ( You will have discharge, and even leaking of urine at times)
Pampers wipes ( I started using these instead of toilet paper because it kept "that" are more clean, and it helped me cut back on yeast infections, and uti's)
Preparation H wipes ( these I used instead of toilet paper, but on my back end, because it clean it better, and helps with any irritation caused by constipation or hemis)
Lube! If you are still having sex, your privates may be sore, or swollen, lube helps to keep things comfortable.

Try to get a pre-natal massage, they are wonderful!
Walk if you can, mild exercise is good for keeping joints flexible.
Get a birthing ball to sit on instead of a chair, to help open up your pelvis.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

10 WEEK Update

How far along? 10 weeks.HOLY COW. Time is starting to move now!
Total weight gain: Unsure.
Maternity clothes? Nope. Not even a bella band.
Sleep: Uneven and uncomfortable.
Best moment this week: DH offering to go get me icecream before bed because I wanted some. So cliche!
Gender: I'm back and forth between boy and girl.
Movement: No.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Not having HeartBurn EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
What I am looking forward to: Shopping for DH's birthday.
Weekly Wisdom: Gingersnaps are a girl's Best Friend. (not diamonds despite what Marylin said)
Milestones: I'm not quite as exhausted as before despite the lack of sleep so maybe my energy is returning.

Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)

Friday, October 9, 2009

Can Gas Kill You?

My body is currently home to a hot air balloon residing under my left shoulder blade. Which is only a slight improvement from the middle of my spine where it started. For approximately 6 hours I have been spewing forth the most obnoxious burps to ever come from a human body. A body wracked with stabbing pain and completely and utterly exhausted from the sheer energy I've used to express this air from the hell it came from.

The range of demonic sounds that are coming out of my mouth would impress the Philharmonic Orchestra and scare a tyranasaurus back into extinction. My ribs actually feel bruised, my throat is partially on fire and I'm waiting for pea soup to geyser onto the wall while my head spins around. William Friedkin will be knocking on my door to cast me in the next big thriller and Linda Blair will hate me for my diabolical technique.

While I'm not sure its quite worthy of an Oscar nod, I'm pretty sure if it continues into tomorrow I may be forced to come to grips with the fact that something nefarious has indeed inhabited my body and will slowly take over. If my blog begins to change noticeably and I no longer sound like myself or start speaking in riddles, please send an entire horde of priests to my rescue A.S.A.P.

Hormonal Basketcase

I'm not one of those that falls back on "i'm hormonal, blah blah blah, I'm going to be mean and rude to people" crap. I'm mean and rude without hormones. ha ha. If anything hormones have made me a big fat sap. I cry at the phone commercial where he takes a picture of the Lost Dog sign and texts it to friends and returns the dog to the little girl. EVERY. EFFIN. TIME.

Yesterday, was a long day. I worked 9 hours then had to drive an hour to show houses and drive home. On the way there I got lost. LOST BAD. Yadkinville does not believe in fucking road signs apparently. They also don't believe in stores or gas stations or anything more human than a corn field. So in the midst of my frustration I LOST IT. I was driving aimlessly, crying my eyes out, screaming at my car because the windshield wipers weren't working (when in fact it was my sunglasses filling up with tears..DOH), splitting headache, stomach cramps. I was a complete and utter mess. I swear I heard dueling banjo's at one point.

Fortunately, my BFF's mom who works for the state and travels the roads was able to figure out where I was and come to my aid. I was a half hour late. By the time I got to my clients, my face was red and streaky and I was doing the little hiccup thing. Fortunately, they know I'm pregnant and laughed at me and she calmed down. They also put a really nice offer in. The commission very well could pay off my car. Fingers Crossed.

I didn't get home till 10pm last night, was completely wiped out and didn't sleep well. Thank goodness for the day off. After the car is fixed I was planning on going to work...but I think I may just take the day for me. It was THAT rough of a night.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Stormy Skies

Things have been wonderful lately. It seemed everything was falling into place. We got pregnant. PREGNANT. It was the ultimate achievement. My full time position with benefits was coming through. DH is back in school. Life was going good.

I was starting to dream of nurseries and cribs. Then the bottom fell out. IN ONE DAY. My job is a no go. So I'm back to looking for employment while I remain a contracted temp. DH's car needs repairing and it will cost an arm and a leg. He's in a bad mood over it all. His birthday is around the corner and I don't know if I can afford him anything with this car repair and its his 30th so I wanted it to be special.

Due to my employment status and some recent hits to my credit due to the down turn in the economy, I am not eligible for a traditional car loan. DH still refuses to drive my car so that will force me into buying through a money sucking scam like Drive Time.

I KNOW we couldn't wait due to my infertility issues and advancing maternal age to get pregnant and no time will ever be perfect. I also know that we are VERY blessed in what we have: stability, a nice house with low payments, love, family etc. We are far more stabile financially then probably 70% of people currently having children despite our few hiccups. It doesn't make it easier to face my short comings though. I had it so together a few years ago. My credit was perfect, I had the world in front of me, the great job, a fiancee, a house etc. and we were trying for a baby. My world fell apart with infertility and my job plummet. Those were some very dark days.

I know we just have a few storm clouds in our skies and they too will pass. None of them will matter when I'm holding that precious baby and the sun shines through our world. There will be rainbows and birdsong and the storms will have washed everything clean. Life will never be stress free. There will ALWAYS be something on the horizon but its how you deal with it that makes your life great or breaks you. I KNOW ALL this, and I still feel less stress than times before when things like this have happened because everything is minute compared to this baby. I can't deny that it is still worrisome and frustrating though! I just want to scream and get it out of my system rather than being stuck here at work not concentrating.

::breathes deep:: This too shall pass and day dreams of baby bedding and paint chips shall soon dance in my head again.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Baby at 9 Weeks

Baby's now the size of a green olive!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

Unchartered Territory and 9 week update!

Today I am 9 weeks. I have now passed into territory I've never entered. When I went to the doctor's two weeks ago, I thought I was about 8 weeks or maybe a few days shy based on my ovulation date. I was a little shocked to be measuring 6w6d. However, the heartbeat was strong and based on my chart, the Doc. was not concerned. So we did weeks 7 and 8 all over again. WEEK 9! SQUEE! I'm "finally" progressing.

I realized too, that the only things I've been writing about are pregnancy symptoms. Those pesky little things we focus on when we are hoping we are or still in denial. In denial, those symptoms help us rationalize this miracle. We begin to accept it, let it sink in and wallow around in it. We even get a little complacent about being pregnant. Admittedly after puking my guts up, I even feel smug. At long last, I AM PREGNANT! I am carrying this precious little life around inside me as it grows and forms and combines characteristics of my hsuband and me.

So I think its about time I start treating this pregnancy like the miracle it is and move past the denial/symptom stage of disbelief and on to the updates, letters, and general craziness of preparing for a child.

It should be mentioned here that that includes completely re-organizing my entire house and wiping it all down with clorox. Clorox was on sale. I bough lots and rubber gloves. I made a list! My household is in for a rude awakening. With the advent of hitting the 9 week mark, despite my exhaustion, I have entered Mommyzilla mode. I'm attacking my house with the full knowledge that I will be doing so periodically through my entire psychotic pregnancy because that's just how I am. And I'm okay with that.

9 Week Update:

Update Questionnaire which many of you have seen or used. It's made its rounds on many blogs but I totally snitched it from the infamous Blair but don't count on weekly belly pictures yet.

How far along? 9 weeks.
Total weight gain: Unsure.
Maternity clothes? Nope. Not even a bella band.
Sleep: Sleeping pretty well but I am so tired all the time.
Best moment this week: Hitting the 9 week mark.
Movement: No.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Energy.
What I am looking forward to: Scrubbing my house down with clorox so I'm not incubating baby in a cesspool of funk
Weekly Wisdom: Start focusing on the joys and preparations early versus the continued symptoms of denial.
Milestones: 9 weeks! (not much of a milestone but a big deal to me!)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Just Kidding: Still Exhausted

It was worth writing another post. I thought the worst of the exhaustion had passed sometime last week. I had actually had a few productive days and accomplished a few things on my house. Granted, I was exhausted yesterday but that was more like Yardsale Day hangover.

I've been very cold and tired today though. I went back into the "cage" where we keep returned parts. It is literally a cold dark room with little light, some vents to the outside and a large compressor that is so noisy you can't hear yourself think. Many people refer to it as the "scary room." It's full of floor to cieling chain link cages that divide up the departments and each cage has a padlock.

I was in there and I was so tired I had to put my head down on the work table. Next thing I know, I'm waking up! I FELL ASLEEP in the cage!! I was completely deluding myself that the exhaustion period had passed.

I'm like that scene in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo where he takes out the chick that falls asleep all the time and he ties her hair to the sconce so she doesn't faceplant in her soup? Yea, that's me.

DH's Morning Advice

My husband has been a saint during this pregnancy I swear. Bless his heart. Yesterday, he not only COOKED Me lunch but encouraged me to eat a pint of icecream for dinner since nothing else would settle my stomach.

He also put out some of the Halloween decorations while I snoozed on the sofa with the dogs.

This morning he tickled me because he was very concerned over my yacking in the bathroom.

DH: "Are you okay?"
ME: (glaring holes through the wall) MMMMHMMMM
DH: "How's our baby supposed to get any nutrients if you keep puking everything out?"
ME: "I've got enough fat to sustain this child for atleast two years, don't worry.
DH: (kisses me goodbye) "Try not to puke anymore."

Upside: This weekend my sister brought me her barely used swing (neither of her kids liked it), a pack of newborn diapers (her son was too big for them upon birth), a bouncy chair and I picked out four neutral onesies/sleepers from her collection she was selling at the yardsale. I had to stuff everything into a closet though so the In-laws do not see it upon their arrival before we tell them. Not a big deal. Only two more weeks till everyone knows! My Free Book from MommieswithCents arrived this weekend too!! (Thanks Rachel for reviewing that book and linking us to the drawing!)

I'm still planning to begin shopping with the black friday sales and do the nursery during my christmas vacation but its a start. Christmas is right around the corner afterall.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


After our very long rough day yesterday setting out the yardsale (where we only made 160.00 and still stuck with a BUNCH of crap), getting sunburnt, etc. I'm feeling rather poorly today. Just worn out and sore.

My darling husband who has been in my kitchen all of three times since we moved in here, is making me grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch. Bless his soul, I love this man.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


This yardsale is ON! I want this stuff OUT of MY House plus I want to line the baby fund with the proceeds. It's already a little late in the year to be having a yardsale but I can't abide storing this crap till spring when I'll be 9 months pregnant anyway.

STRESS STRESS STRESS. I'm looking forward to purging Saturday but I'm also dreading the not sleeping, getting up at 4am, the tiredness, the cleanup etc. Especially since I can't drink my weight in coffee like I have done in previous years.

Wish me LUCK!