Remembering Bumblebee

My due date has come and gone and I thought about writing about it many times but I kept refocusing on my baby. I've had moments of sadness, confusion and even some joy. If I had had bumblebee, I wouldn't have Matthew. That is a hard reality to face because I will always love my first babe but I could never imagine not having Matthew or wishing for something that I've never known when it means not having him.

How do you reconcile a feeling of grief when you are holding your whole world in your arms? The pain is easier this year, because I'm holding my son and I have to believe that things happened the way they did because I was meant to have him in my arms at this time.

It doesn't make me miss bumblebee less or not wish I could have known him/her but it is easier to deal with the loss knowing I have Matthew and I would never have had both.

It's easier to believe in "meant to be" when you have that child in your arms staring back at you but its still a little...confusing feeling all that emotion.

If that makes sense.

I don't think I can take much more today

I got a text from a dear friend of mine who has given up on having children due to severe endometriosis. She could never get pregnant. She texted me that she went to the dr. due to severe pain only to find out she was having a miscarriage. A baby she never even knew about due to a slippage of a hormonal IUD that the Dr's had recommended she get to help her body's hormones etc. They will be doing a D and C. My heart is broken today.

I’m depressed and feeling lost and my heart is breaking for her. I pray I have the strength to help her through this, through the tumult that my mind and heart are in.

I pray that I can shoulder all the emotions that are overwhelming me today, not just hers, but my own.

Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to make it through and be strong for my friend. Help me to put aside my own discontent and awkward feelings for the next few days so that i may lead her through this terrible time. She has come to me for help because she knows I've been through this. Please do not let me let her down.

Help me to dry my tears (and get out of this bathroom at work), get through the day with strength and courage. Help my sweet friend find peace and love and understanding in this tragic event.

I know Bumblebee is taking care of her little one and giving him/her comfort. Help me give my friend that calm comfort that people provided to me.

Lord give me strength.

Time is Slow but it flies by

One year ago today, I was sitting at home grieving, wondering what I should do. Not ready to let go even though everything was already gone. Not wanting to take that final step that would say Goodbye.

I just realized what today is. October 22nd. Which means I completely forgot about the 19th. It slipped past me and I was so consumed with the cramps and feeling off, worrying about HLB that I didn’t even make the connection that that was the day I found out we had lost Bumblebee.
I know that’s not the day Bumblebee died, but its still a day of the pain. I was so consumed with what was going on now, that I didn’t even think of it and now I feel like a horrible person for forgetting my 1st baby.
What kind of mother am I going to be? I have a horrible memory for dates. Maybe I should reconsider having two children.
I’ve been living in this world of progression. Trying to get through each slow week to get to the next thing, the next marker of time that brings me closer to knowing my baby on a more intimate level: knowing sex, feeling more of a bump, feeling kicks, DH feeling kicks, picking a name, buying something just for him/her.
Am I losing part of my past, part of what makes me who I am, and the love I’ve felt because I’m living for tomorrow? How do I slow myself down before I regret what I’ve missed trying to get THERE?

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

I wasn't sure I would write about today. I've done my best to actually avoid thinking too much about what today is and how much it hurts. Last year at this time I was mourning the babies that have been lost and all the beautiful and strong mother's who were not holding their precious babes. I didn't know that my own precious baby was already dead. Last year, I was still living in my wonderful world of innocence and bliss about my own pregnancy.

October 19th is the day my world officially fell apart when we found the missed miscarriage. All I have to do is close my eyes and it all comes rushing back as if I were there again, the smells, the dr's office, the feeling of my heart being torn in two. This year, on this day, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day means so much more to me. I never gave birth. I never saw my baby or even knew what the sex was but it doesn't matter. Bumblebee was my baby and I mourned and I still grieve and think of what would be had things not happened the way it did.

Today, I think of all those other mothers who I can't even bear to name because the tears are already splashing on my keyboard. My heart aches for them.

Even looking forward to holding HLB in my arms, it doesn't diminish the pain of losing Bumblebee. Today, I grieve and I dread the 19th. Today, I send hope out into the world for the others like me who have known loss and pain. Today, I pray that our angels are high in the clouds frolicking in joy and peace having never known the sorrow of this world.

Happy Due Date Bumblebee

I wanted to let this day go by in a fog,
To not remember that today was the day my precious baby was supposed to join us.

A day that you never actually expect to be THE DAY
but when it is taken from you, you cling tight to the date

The date of hope
The date of longing
The date of pain
The date of tears.

While people are out celebrating,drinking, being merry and eating spicy food
I sit alone remembering a baby that never came to be.

My bumblebee.

And for added torture, there are two EDDs. May 5th based on Ovulation, and then May 11th based on that first ultrasound. I have to go through it all over again 6 days from now.

I have to sit here and mourn while my baby frolics in heaven. I should be happy that I got those few months of "knowing" something more than myself. I should see it as a gift that another soul touched me so briefly and brought such joy into our lives.

But today, I only feel the emptiness. My body and heart feels hollow and the tears track down my face. Nothing distracts me from imagining the joy that should have been ours, the joy that is floating with the angels. The joy that so briefly touched me and then passed me by.

Happy Due Date Bumblebee, whereever you are. Mommy Loves you.

International Lost Mother's Day

As I opened my day planner this morning, I noticed that yesterday was International Lost Mother's Day.

I had MEANT to go to all the blogs of the girl's I knew who had lost their children before their life really began and wish them a Happy Mother's Day. Not that the day would be happy but I think its important to recognize those mother's who have nothing to show for their heartache. We ARE mothers. We held life in our bodies that was not our own. We experienced the grief and torture of losing a child whether we ever held it in our arms or not. We held them in our hearts and cradled them in our wombs.

I don't think it will dawn on anyone in my family to acknowledge me next Sunday and that day too shall pass. As will the EDD this week of Bumblebee. I will get through it and I will keep going. Just as all of you do and will. Your strength amazes me on a daily basis and admire you more than you will ever know.

While we may not have our little one's here to hold we do still love them and miss them and we are mother's. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I love you all and I wish only peace for you this week. Hugs.

Hospital Bill came today.

I have no words to express what went through my head. I literally became a sobbing pile of mush on my kitchen floor. It costs more to remove the remnants of my child then it does to give birth and stay over night in the insurances eyes.

The pain came rushing back. And with it the anger. The anger at the world at the unfairness of this. Anger at myself for letting the hurt and pain back in. The grief.

It all came back with a piece of paper. My bravado and positivity and strength came crashing to my feet.

Post D&C Check Up

The Doctor cleared me for sexual activity today. My poor husband is thrilled I'm sure. I have a cyst on my right ovary but they do not think it will cause any problems or be abnormal. They prefer I wait three cycles to try again and if I am not ovulating by then they will let me use the Clomid again. I'm going to be continuing the metformin until then though.

They also went ahead and gave me a perscription for the Prenatals with the stool softener that I liked and told me to go ahead and keep my Folic Acid intake higher BEFORE TTC this time.

So until 2010, I'm TTA. I did pick up a magazine talking about recipes that give you optimal health for your reproductive system, which I thought was interesting. I'll read it and review it as well as the recipes for you in the TTA meantime.

Good News: I did not gain any weight during my pregnancy and since the Miscarraige (2 weeks) I've lost 9 lbs. WOOT! (I'd ofcourse rather be gaining and have a healthy baby but ya'll know that).

Bad News of the day: Dh's company landscapers hit his vehicle and I had to take it to the body shop for an estimate on the way to work from the Dr's. $1600.00. Yikes.

My few Choices

Is it possible to be more sore today then yesterday? Apparently. The coughing and hacking have made my ribs and back more sore. I'm also experiencing discomfort in the ute, heavier bleeding and some slighty chunkage today. I thought they got all that out? WTF people. Can someone please explain to me how long this is supposed to last?
I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm sore. I just want to cry because I want this done with. I want to get back to some semblance of life and quit harping on the way I feel and my emotional trauma because frankly I'm starting to have a really hard time of holding my shiz together. At this moment with my throat on fire and my chest hurting so bad, crying would do me more physical harm than emotional good and I just can't handle that on top of everything else. I shouldn't have to choose between crying and breathing.
I have very few choices in my life at the moment: sofa or recliner, channels on TV, water or apple juice, chicken soup or icecream (neither of which go down very well) and that's about it. Adding crying vs breathing to that small list is not exactly comfort.
I REALLY want something else to talk about.

Morning After-Our Anniversary

I woke up this morning to dog's whining and NOT my husbands annoying blaring alarm clock. He took today off to be with me during my recovery period. It just so happens to be our anniversary as well. Some may call that convenient, but I think its a little more ironic but not in a funny way.

I was not expecting to feel like I had been in a head-on collision (and I've been in a few so I know). I'm so sore, I can hardly move, but that is so much better then the rending pain of yesterday. I can honestly be thankful it is over, all of it. Even the scary part post surgery where I was disoriented and stopped breathing when they took away the oxygen and had to shove it back up my nose really quickly. Not breathing or knowing what is going is TERRIFYING especially to one who likes to be in control.

The hospital, suctioned my lungs while I was under because apparently there was a lot of yellow mucos lying at the bottom of them. Thanks assholes, you just kicked up my chronic bronchitis of which I am coughing my head off now, which hurts my poor battered body. Do I thank them for sucking out some of the grossness or kick them? When I regain my strength I may kick them.

All in all, despite the soreness and lack of motion/mobility I'm feeling, this day does look a bit brighter then yesterday. This doctor would prefer we don't start trying for atleast three cycles to lessen the risk of miscarriage. We were really hoping to try in one. When we see my regular Dr. for the follow-up we may see what he thinks about splitting the difference if I've healed well. Trying ON the third cycle versus waiting till AFTER the third cycle. Either way I guess it doesn't matter as no matter what we are now TTA until 2010. I thought I would be more upset then this but maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Or maybe the trauma that I just went through has scared me off just a bit if I'm honest with myself. Fortunately, I can produce other things to look forward to besides the nursery and baby. There's a girl's day out for B's birthday, Thanksgiving Dinner and black Friday shopping, Christmas decorating and baking and movies. New Years where we will celebrate beginning to TTC again. While most people cringe at the thought of going through late pregnancy in the summer, I quite relish it. I have a pool, and during the cumbersom months I see no better relaxation and exercise options then using that. So for me, it may be a good thing.

I'm holding on to all those positives I can wrap my brain around right now.

DNC

It turns out,I know my body. The pain I was going through, was unbearable. By the time my sister got here towards mid day, I was screaming in agony. My body was actually in labor trying to pass the dead fetal tissue. My own body was tearing itself up.

My sister took me back to the Doctor. Bless her heart, someone was going to fix me or they were going to have trouble. If you have never seen an irate Southern Mary Kay Sales rep, its a lesson in polite hostility all dressed in pink. LOL I may not always get along with her but I know when it comes down to my well being and pain, and a can of whoopass, she comes through.

The Doctor sent me immediately to the hospital where I was admitted to the OR and prepped for surgery. I had no choice. I had to have the DNC afterall. The Dr. came out and talked to my husband after it was done and told him, there is no way I would have been able to pass it on my own. The DNC was completely unavoidable and I, despite my 4 months of Clomid use, have the thickest uteran lining he had ever seen. Who knew?

This day sucked. Hard Core. No doubt about it. Tomorrow has to be better. For tonight, I'm going to relax in my husbands arms and be thankful the pain has stopped and I can breathe. I'll go to sleep for the first time, undrugged in two days, listening to the rain, knowing it can truly come to an end and we can move on.

Hello, My name is Demeter

I'm not quite sure which is harder? The mornings or the nights or the time in between. Yesterday was rough for me. No particular reason. I felt stress because I was way behind at work for missing those three days. I felt pressure from a client to find her a house meeting severe restrictions (price, location, land quantity) because she wants it under contract ASAP to get the tax credit. All of this work drowning me as I just try to make it through one more day. One day closer to the "physical event." One more day experiencing increasing physical pain that is unexplained. Possibly miscarry but no blood yet.

Hours go by, where I'm normal and functioning and living. I make plans, I look toward the holidays and being with people. Then something happens. A reminder, a picture, a commercial, a kind word sent from a friend to let me know they are thinking of me. And I lose it. The tears come and I become motionless and my mind goes to so many places and I have to WORK to get myself under control.

I go to bed early at night because I'm physically exhausted after fighting myself inside all day. I wake up early in the morning and the house is quiet and I'm alone. Alone with my thoughts and my fully caffienated coffee, the wind howling at the door sending the leaves raining down upon my world. Winter is coming.

Greek mythology tells us that the seasons were developed due to the abduction of Demeter's daughter Persephone by Hades. He whisked the fair maiden off to the underworld and in Demeter's grief the world died as she was the embodiment of mother nature. When Demeter grieved over her child, the world literally grieved with her.When Persephone was returned to her by decree of Zues, the world bloomed again and became living, but Persephone had been tricked by Hades to eat the food of the underworld dooming her to spend a season each year there for eternity and so she had to split her time among the living and the dead. When Persephone came to be with her mother every year, the world begin to live thus Spring and Summer as Demeter became happy. When Persephone went to spend time in her forced imprisonment, Demeter became sad thus we have Fall and Winter.

I am reminded of this story as I sit here and the leaves fall with my tears. Soon the trees will be bare, the air will be cold, there will be no color in the world but the bright lights of christmas as joyful music fills the air and I will go on living and celebrating and loving but I will never forget these moments. These moments of crumbling color and sadness. The feel of the wind whisking away my tears. Like the season, the month, the year, this too shall pass. This will be yet another memory, another story, I share in my life. Time is fleeting, pain eases, but memories return like the seasons as the world keeps spinning.

My Amazing Flowers

I've tried not to post today since its been a "not so good day" for me. I've been very down in the dumps and having quite a bit of pain. I'm hoping that my body is trying to naturally do this and its nothing else (as if that's not bad enough).

I found something positive to share though. My amazing flowers from Rachel, Alyssa, and Stephanie. They are gourgeous and mean the world to me (both the flowers and the ladies). This one bright point, their love and compassion for me, continues to be a beacon through my cloudy days.

I love you girls, with all my heart.

Blessings and Hope

I made it to work today. I've only teared up once and I got it under control. I'm going to make it through till the weekend and try to be strong because I'm sure I will go through another round of emotions on Monday when I start the physical part of this ordeal.

I put the baby things away. The baby books, the clothes, the few little oddities that people had started "passing" to me. There is no point in torturing myself with them as that does neither me nor my baby or future babies any good.

I find my strength in my blessings. This baby let me know that we have a future. I was able to concieve. I was getting desperate and depressed and tottering on the edge of giving up my dream when I was surprised with this BFP. That is the gift my child gave to me. HOPE. I was blessed with the presence of one of God's Angels for a short time and I will always carry that blessing and hope with me.

My husband. He was amazing through the pregnancy and through this week. It's hard to believe that our love could grow but it did. We are stronger together and are stronger as a couple, as parents, for the experience and for the love of a child.

My family and close friends. They have checked on me everyday. They have brought me really fattening cake, watched movies with me, cried with me, consoled me, sent me flowers, and loved me.

My bloggers and Chat Board girls. You have provided me with comfort, knowledge and answered my questions and sent thoughts and prayers. You have been my voices of reason, experience and strength. Your smiling babies are my promise. Your happy and healthy pregnancies are my dream. I will still follow you all with tears of joy, kind words, and always be here for you in return for all you have given me.

During dark times, there is a light of hope. I choose to honor that hope and continue on this journey looking at my blessings. I try not to take for granted the things that are good in my life but I often do. In this time of reflection, I see too many wonderful things to ignore them for the pain. The pain is real but "Hope springs eternal."

A Living Love

I don't want to be THAT girl. The one that sits at home for two weeks sobbing, acting like a weak willed psycho chick. The one that returns to the land of living only to be bitter and disillusioned. I don't want to push my baby out of my head so that I can be strong either. I'm trying to find my balance. There are hours where I'm fine. I can clean or go shopping with my sister and be okay. There are still hours where I cry because I can't quite make myself call the Doctor and ask for the pills. (which I finally did this morning and they haven't called back yet).
I almost made it to work this morning. Then I panicked. What if I broke down when I called the Dr. and all these guys I work with that didn't know I was pregnant stared at me in confusion and asked me what was wrong?

Then my mother called me. For the first time since this happened. She thought tough love would be appropriate. Telling me that I wasn't meant to have this child so I needed to get off my ass and get rid of it so I could get pregnant again, so go to work and stop crying. Yes. Because THAT is SO the right thing to say. Then she tells me she has so much empathy for me and the only way she could get through a conversation was being tough because SHE is so hurt and grieving. FAIL. BIG FAT FUCKING FAIL of MOTHERHOOD! Atleast I don't have much to live up to to be Mother of the Year in this family. My husband came home shortly after this as I was sitting in a tub full of steaming hot bubbles trying to scald away the previous conversation. He had forgotten the company credit card and his first words were "You aren't going to work?" I can tell he's frustrated with me for staying home today but only because he is confused on how I feel. I think he thinks I sit at home and cry all day. I told him about the conversation with my mom and she is now on his shitlist. Great.

I have felt such an outpouring of love these past few days. From friends and family. From my online community. The blog entries from other people grieving for me are unbelievable. The lives my story has touched through IF, pregnancy and now loss. I had no idea. My baby was loved. I am Loved. How can I ask for more than that in a time so hard? How can I be hateful and bitter and depressed when so much love and so many prayers are coming my way? I have an entire Catholic church in Winston-Salem praying for me (and I'm not Catholic, never stepped foot in a Catholic church). A friend of mine stopped by last night (the one I got Scarlett from) and stayed with me for a few hours. When she left she called her exhusband and told him what happened. For the first time since their breakup, he called my husband to offer him condolences and let him know that even though he's been caught up in his own world and been a horrible friend to us, that if we needed anything he would be here and if we needed them together they would come, no matter what was going on in their life.

My BFF Sarah recieved her notice that her divorce was final on Monday but she cried for me and my baby instead. This baby who had such a short existence, who will never know all these people, brought people together. Showed them love and hope. Showed me how big my world is and despite it crashing on my head, showed how much I am loved. My husband and I are strong. We are stronger together and we have loved a child. Alfred Lord Tennyson gave us the famous line: "Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Those are hard words to live by when you have lost, but I have known the love of being a mother. I may never have held my child, but I have felt my husbands arms around me and cradled a growing a life inside me. I have felt my heart grow. I can not be bitter about knowing what that's like. I can not be bitter about touching so many people's lives. I can not let my baby's short existence end in hatred and me turning negative because that is not honoring it.

I can't promise not to cry anymore. I can't promise not to write about the hurt but I can promise to honor my child's memory and look to the future. To carry on in creating a family of this love that has grown from me. To continue to fill this house with love and laughter, spirit and hope, family and faith.

There is a quote from one of my favorite movies Ever After (Drew Barrymore) at the very end: " And while Cinderella and her Prince *did* live happily ever after, the point, gentlemen, is that they *lived*." My prince and I shall live, and in doing so, the memory and love of a child shall live with us.

Emotions and Grief

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through me for the past 24 hours I don't even know where to begin. Or where to end. My brain is logical and strong but my heart is weak and emotional. My body is a bitch. I was hoping that now that my brain knows the truth my body would follow suit. Apparently, its going to continue to be my biggest foe, forcing me to decide on a method that I neither want nor believe in. I don't believe in abortion. (In case you have ever had a doubt, I'm Republican and despite my some what modern and slightly paganistic religious tendencies my Southern Baptist roots are ingrained to the core of my being.) Despite the fact that my brain knows my baby is dead, my heart refuses to believe and taking the pills or having the D&C feels like abortion to me.

How do I face forcibly removing my baby from my body? How do I face day in and day out keeping it with me? My husband is trying to be strong. He's trying to support me but I know a bit of himself has died inside as well. I try to make a plan just to get through the next hour of the day, but I still can't keep the pain from creeping in for even that long.

I fueled myself up on caffiene and IBprofen yesterday. I even thought about nicotine, but I didn't do it. I'm not suicidal or slipping into depression. I just hurt. I'm grieving and it doesn't happen very quickly. It doesn't matter that I'm not grieving for someone who lived, whom I knew for a long time. I KNEW this baby, and it was mine. I'm not ready to let go. How can I let go? What if I never get pregnant again? I will have only known what its like to be pregnant, to be a mom for such a short time. It's not fair.

In hindsight, I knew deep down since the first ultrasound, something wasn't right. It always bothered me that my baby was measuring so far behind where I knew it should be. I KNOW when I ovulated. I know the time frame for cells to form. I KNEW I should have been a week further along. I deluded myself because that heartbeat was so bright and strong and we couldn't stop smiling. I also, knew when I looked at that screen yesterday morning that I was not looking at an 11 week old baby. It was too small and there was no precious little flashing light. I couldn't breathe. I Couldn't think. Time stopped. But then it started again without me and I can't smile any more.

I was so proud of myself for not gaining any weight. I can't help but think, gaining 20 lbs and being yelled at by the dr. would be so much better than this. My head knows, there is no correlation between the two but my heart isn't rationale. I can't keep the thoughts, the doubts from creeping in. Maybe it was the IBprofen I took for the crazy backpain before I found out I was pregnant. Maybe it was the wine and cosmo's I drank 16DPO the day before my BFP. Maybe it was this or that. I heard the words that my Dr. spoke. There was nothing I could have done, nor nothing I did to cause this. 1 in 5 pregnancies end.

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR. We waited and tried for so long. We went through so many emotions being infertile. Why? Why was our happiness so short lived? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO OFFEND THE COSMO's THIS BADLY? I look at the pics we took this weekend. Our first Belly Pics. Happy Pics of us together with his hand on my stomach. What do I do with them? They are a lie, but I can't delete them because what if we never do it again. What if those are the only pregnancy pictures I ever have even though they are a lie? The picture I posted the other day, the "first family photo of the three of us?" That's the only REAL picture. On THAT day, my baby was alive. According to the ultrasound, the next day, it was dead.

I HATE this. I HATE feeling so out of control and helpless. I hate HAVING the control of decisions I don't want to make. I hate crying as soon as I open my eyes in the morning and crying myself to sleep at night. I hate that my baby will never open its eyes at all or see how much I loved it.

Devastated

No heartbeat. Baby measured only 8 weeks. I have no words to describe what I feel right now. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.