One year ago today, I was sitting at home grieving, wondering what I should do. Not ready to let go even though everything was already gone. Not wanting to take that final step that would say Goodbye.
I just realized what today is. October 22nd. Which means I completely forgot about the 19th. It slipped past me and I was so consumed with the cramps and feeling off, worrying about HLB that I didn’t even make the connection that that was the day I found out we had lost Bumblebee.
I know that’s not the day Bumblebee died, but its still a day of the pain. I was so consumed with what was going on now, that I didn’t even think of it and now I feel like a horrible person for forgetting my 1st baby.
What kind of mother am I going to be? I have a horrible memory for dates. Maybe I should reconsider having two children.
I’ve been living in this world of progression. Trying to get through each slow week to get to the next thing, the next marker of time that brings me closer to knowing my baby on a more intimate level: knowing sex, feeling more of a bump, feeling kicks, DH feeling kicks, picking a name, buying something just for him/her.
Am I losing part of my past, part of what makes me who I am, and the love I’ve felt because I’m living for tomorrow? How do I slow myself down before I regret what I’ve missed trying to get THERE?