Friday, October 15, 2010
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day
I wasn't sure I would write about today. I've done my best to actually avoid thinking too much about what today is and how much it hurts. Last year at this time I was mourning the babies that have been lost and all the beautiful and strong mother's who were not holding their precious babes. I didn't know that my own precious baby was already dead. Last year, I was still living in my wonderful world of innocence and bliss about my own pregnancy.
October 19th is the day my world officially fell apart when we found the missed miscarriage. All I have to do is close my eyes and it all comes rushing back as if I were there again, the smells, the dr's office, the feeling of my heart being torn in two. This year, on this day, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day means so much more to me. I never gave birth. I never saw my baby or even knew what the sex was but it doesn't matter. Bumblebee was my baby and I mourned and I still grieve and think of what would be had things not happened the way it did.
Today, I think of all those other mothers who I can't even bear to name because the tears are already splashing on my keyboard. My heart aches for them.
Even looking forward to holding HLB in my arms, it doesn't diminish the pain of losing Bumblebee. Today, I grieve and I dread the 19th. Today, I send hope out into the world for the others like me who have known loss and pain. Today, I pray that our angels are high in the clouds frolicking in joy and peace having never known the sorrow of this world.