Thursday, October 28, 2010

Being Self-aware and Self-centered

I may not be a smug pregnant woman, because I appreciate every moment I am pregnant (despite the occasional complaint about the cramps, back pain and sleeplessness LOL) but I can honestly say I am a self-centered one.

I think everyone needs to be honest with themselves and other’s and I am self-centered right now. I think, in a way, its justified. Pregnant women (and not just IFers and loss sufferers but pregnant women as a whole group) should be more aware of their bodies during this time. (Charters, IF sufferers, and Loss sufferers tend to be more aware than most people even before pregnancy and become hyper aware afterwards). Our bodies are these amazing natural machines that go through all these organic changes that can seem really crazy sometimes.

Not to mention we want and should keep our bodies absolutely healthy as possible, be even more conscious of what we put in our mouths, exercise, injury etc. because its no longer just us that we are screwing over, there’s another being in there dependent on our bodies. (Like a parasite, isn’t that a lovely thought?)

I’ve had my share of junk food. I’ve never done drugs nor been a heavy drinker but I have had my share of rough and tumble party nights and I was a smoker for 15 years. (a few off years here and there but most of that decade and a half I smoked.) I haven’t maintained a healthy lifestyle my whole life though is the point.

In the past few years, I have become a more self conscious person when it comes to how I live. I’ve been a non smoker for almost two years (yes, I know if you do the math, that means I smoked during the first year of TTC with the intentions of quitting the moment I found out…it was stupid of me.) I’ve made so many changes to my diet and lifestyle as I’ve actually discovered things about myself (my mortality, my allergies, my PCOS etc.) and have become a much healthier (and smaller!) version of me.

Now that I have finally made it some distance on a long awaited journey of actually bringing a child into the world, I am even more self centered. Everything we do, every place we go, everything we eat is first weighed and thought about in terms of “what about me and my baby?” Do I want to try a new restaurant that DH wants to go to and risk an allergy attack since I’m pregnant? Do I really want to get up early and go shopping all day and if I do are their baby stores nearby? Etc. etc. etc.

Do I want to go to the in-laws at Christmas when I am 7 months pregnant? (that would be a hell no by the way). I am completely absorbed by myself and this child. I day dream about cribs and bedding during work. I mark the passage of time by counting down days to my next events which bring me closer to the next baby appt.

I’ve let certain aspects of my life outside the home slide because I just don’t feel like putting in the effort anymore and that’s probably a little self centered too. But hey, at least I’m honest and I don’t act or pretend like the world revolves around me nor do I ask to be waited on hand and foot or be focused on at family events etc. But in my own head? Yea, I’m totally focused on me and my little family. I admit it freely.

1 comment:

  1. Good for you! I found myself wanting to be the best role model I could be for my daughter - even while I was growing her - and as a result of my "self-centeredness" I lost 101 lbs from conception to her 3rd birthday. People always ask how I did it, and they are always disappointed when I say, "I got healthy. For me, and for my daughter." I know they want a fast answer, but what I'll give next time is the honest one that'll leave them thinking - I was self-centered about it! :)